"The Winds of Change and the Weeds of Sex"

This weekend flew by. And even though it's Monday, it's strangely quiet now. Hammer is in Phoenix for the week, and CouchSleeper is staying with Narc, seeming to have upset whatever delicate chemistry had the two of us spending more time together. Even Drippy is out of town, leaving B available for an "old school" 24-night tonight. (I might just wear my "Jack Bauer" T-shirt!)

Friday was a tough day for me. It took a lot of stamina to get through. I foolishly stayed out late on Thursday night (in the bar with CouchSleeper and Narc) and still felt the alcohol coursing through my veins when I arrived to teach on Friday morning. Six hours and a few gallons of water later I had to head straight to Penn Station (in rush hour, no less!) to get home in time for my mom's party.

With barely time to eat, I was cranky upon my arrival. But LilSis and mom were excited and rushing about the house in preparation, which started to get me into the right mood for the occasion. I helped LilSis with her makeup, and even though I didn't have time to shower, started to feel refreshed just from the change of clothes and re-combing of my hair.

The party was held at a colonial inn/catering hall (where George Washington once stayed). The centerpieces that I had been working on all week long looked perfect and my mom was so excited. She had her sweet sixteen in 1961, so the theme of the party was late '50s/early '60s music. Each table was named for a particular artist and we had a whole number of events laid out for the night ahead. I wrote a song for my mom to the tune of Heartbreak Hotel and I passed out the lyrics and brought the karaoke track. My sisters organized a ladies vs. men sing-off of two doo-wop songs; Bro-in-Law led a hand-jive contest. He and his sister have "Danny" and "Cha-Cha's" dance from Grease memorized and they entertained the crowd on the dance floor. I was laughing hysterically. While everyone was eating dinner, I took the mic and entertained with some smoky torch songs from the era (like "Misty" and "Cry me a River.") All in all, it was a great night. My mom's friend, Prissy, came in a poodle skirt. My cousin (who's all of seven years old) came with his hair spiked, wearing a huge gold cross.

"Don't I look like JBC?!?!" he insisted.

It was too cute.

Everyone was in the right spirit for the party and it was all just right. The only rub-- the W-family was there and HW and LW got pretty drunk. I didn't drink at the party and it made me feel funny to see them red-faced and changed by the alcohol. LW told me he had nearly finished off a bottle of Jameson by himself the night before. I don't want to be like that.

My mom had a candle-lighting at the party, and my stepbrother actually got up and walked to the cake to light a candle! Granted, he had a walker in one hand and my stepfather supporting him on the other side, but he made it by putting one foot forward and dragging the "paralyzed" side behind. Everyone was in tears. My mom later asked my stepfather:

"Were you crying because you were sad or were you crying because you were happy?"

"Sad with one eye, happy with the other," he said.

My heart was hurting.

At nearly midnight, I headed home with my parents. Hammer texted me a few times. She was out with Maximus and Mohawk in what would turn out to be a very eventful night for her! She wanted me to come out and join them at a bar, but I had to remind her that I was on Long Island. By the time my head hit the pillow that night, I was tired enough to pass out. Insomniac-Hyde was asleep within five minutes!

I didn't wake up until nearly noon the next day. My mom had prepared a huge breakfast-- chocolate chip pancakes and bagels with all the trimmings. (I had mine with Nova. Yum!) I hung out with LilSis, JBC and my stepbrother, watching TV and joking around until around 4:00 in the afternoon when I headed back into the city. It was raining and I was carrying a million and one packages.

On my way into the building (at around 6:30 pm), I bumped into NDN who was going to meet his sister before prepping for the dinner party that night. I called TT and told him to meet me at NDN's place at 9:00 pm. Then I went home to shower and "decompress."

NDN's dinner party was a great time, although I was in a very strange mood. I was hyper-aware that I was drinking and I was anxious about the TT situation. So, it was a little difficult for me to have a carefree spirit about everything. Bezoukhoff's girlfriend was very sweet. There was no lull in the conversation and I was impressed with NDN's "fancy" frosted brownies. TT seemed to be getting on well enough with everyone, but I was somehow aware that it was our "last" date, even as everything was going okay. He explained to me that he had been sick and that his parents had been in town, as if to say "That's why I haven't been around the past few weeks." But who are we kidding? He hadn't been around for the same reason that I hadn't been around-- a lack of chemistry. I was reasonably sure that neither of us was that interested in the other.

At one point, I sang for everyone. It's only worth noting because I have never sung a B-flat that fully before. I felt it vibrating through my face, in the "mask," in my bones, and my abdomen pushed outwards and down providing a support that I rarely manage to achieve. I was sure that the note would bring the walls down and it was exhilarating! I loved it.

Later, there was a bit of "to-do" about whether or not NDN would put on his infamous pirate patch. He and I had a stupid (alcohol-fueled) spat about it and I went back to my apartment. TT came with me. Perhaps it was all a pretense to get him alone. I had to say what I had to say. So I did.

I really don't want to recount this in all its detail, but I told him the truth-- the whole truth. I told him about Narc; I told him that it's stressful for me to start something new because I'm trying to face the drinking thing in a more head-on way. I told him more than that, too... things I don't even want to write here. I was definitely drunk or I never would have done it. I'm glad that I did.

"It's all right to tell me things," he said. "I don't know where things are going with us, and it seems like the last thing you need is some other guy fucking you with no relationship attached."

"You could say that... It's why I've been a little distant... I mean, why I haven't felt like I could totally be myself."

"I'm really attracted to you," he said. "And I think you're an awesome lady." (I HATE it when he says "lady!") "But I don't know if there's anything there yet either."

"So let's just be friends for now?" I asked.

"Sure."

He gave me a big hug and I felt an enormous rush of relief. I no longer have to be dodging his sexual advances. Now, I don't know if we're going to "be friends," but does it matter? I don't particularly feel like calling him. I think I may just let this one go.

Meanwhile, Narc had started texting me in the middle of the evening and we had been corresponding all throughout this time.

Narc (11:24 pm): How was the Sweet 60 party?
Hyde: It was great. How are you?
Narc: Good. Chillin'. May hit Patriot in a bit.
Hyde: Cool. Will you be out late?
Narc: Not sure. What are you up to?
Hyde: Half date/half dinner party but making it my business to be free later...
Narc: Call or text when you're out, perhaps a rendezvous at the Patriot.
Hyde: Would love to meet up.

Hyde (12:47 am): What's up now?
Narc: Still in, though may head out soon. What up?
Hyde: Finishing here soon...
Narc: Let me know if you feel like heading down.
Hyde: I do. Give me a little time to get out...
Narc: Let me know when you're near.
Hyde (1:13 am): Coming soon...

So, there it is... I left NDN's at around 1:30 am (with only Bezoukhoff and his girlfriend still there) and I headed down to meet Narc. On the way there, I gossiped on the phone with Hammer. She was stressed about going to Phoenix in the middle of all her boy drama, and about the fact that Mohawk hadn't contacted her to get together.

"Just press the pause button!" I told her.

I was still on the phone with her when I got to Narc's lobby. I waited in a chair while the doorman buzzed him to come down.

There he came, rounding the corner from the elevator area into the lobby, walking briskly towards the door. What? No stopping for me? No greeting? No pause?

"Hammer, I gotta go!" I leaped up and chased him out the door.

"Wait up, Narc! Stop walking so fast!"

He was still three strides ahead of me. I had to break into a half-jog to keep up.

"I can't run!" I complained. "I'm drunk, and only wearing flip flops! Wait up!"

"You don't have socks on?" He glanced back at me incredulously.

"Don't worry. I'm not cold."

When we got to the Patriot we took a seat by the door. I told Narc I had to go to the ATM and he ordered me a drink. The waitress was giving us doubles for only $4.75!!! (It seems they change their prices there every time we go!) I was determined not to get too drunk, though, so I sipped mine very slowly with water. Narc seemed edgy and in a bad mood. He asked me how the date was.

"It was okay," I said. "I needed to clear some things up with this guy, and tonight I did."

"Wait-- you mean this is the same guy as you had been seeing? Lasagna boy? He's persistent!"

"Yeah, I guess. Whatever... It was getting to be enough dates that I had to explain why I didn't want to sleep with him--that I'm not emotionally available. And that's that. The dinner party was fun, though."

"Why not?" he challenged.

"Because I'm emotionally invested elsewhere," was my pointed reply.

I think this whole conversation put him into an even worse mood. I sometimes don't know which he would prefer-- if I slept with TT or not! Anyway, the evening continued to sour. It soured and then it began to rot!

Some really drunk guy came and sat next to me. He was funny and asked me for a kiss on the cheek. I complied. I'm sure Narc didn't like that. Call it a bad drunk-judgment call on my part. This guy kept asking me to smack him in the ass. I said "no" laughingly for a while, but he kept coming back. Finally I gave him a whack.

"Leave her alone!" Narc said.

Was he defending me? His mood was worsening.

Narc said he ran out of money and I started paying for his drinks. The bar staff switched over and the new waitress started charging us $8.75 for the drinks.

"What? The other waitress was only charging us $4!" I said.

"Whatever, Hyde. It's not a big deal," Narc told me.

"It is. I don't have a lot of money."

"I thought you just went to the ATM."

"I did, but I don't have a lot of money in the ATM, Narc!"

The drunk guy told us that he designs video games and that he worked for Capcom-- on the original design for Streetfighter. (Narc said it meant this guy was old.) He had some kind of gaming system with him and Narc started playing Streetfighter on it. I was touching Narc's leg. He was still being cold and unresponsive to my advances.

The drunk guy offered to buy us tequila shots and before we could refuse, the shots arrived. Narc did his, but I really didn't want mine. I had been drinking vodka the whole time at NDN's and had since switched to whiskey. I don't drink tequila to begin with, and I certainly wasn't going to go for it on a stomach full of mixed alcohol. So I left the shot there. On Narc's other side, a lonely old man was drinking at the bar. He had been there sadly and quietly drinking all night. I decided to offer him my shot.

"Excuse me, sir! Do you want this shot?"

He didn't seem to hear me.

"Sir?"

"DON'T DO THAT!" Narc snapped at me.

I was taken aback.

"What? Why not?"

"You don't offer other people your drink!!!"

"Why not? I don't want it."

"You just don't. I mean it could be poisoned or something."

"Narc! Why would I poison that guy?"

"Ugh! It's bad etiquette, Hyde!"

He rolled his eyes in disgust and sort of turned away from me. Why was he so upset about this? Who knows. But it was the start of a slew of criticisms. After that, it seemed like nothing I could say or do was right. I was sure that he hated me. (I really think that in a lot of ways, he does.)

"I don't need lessons in etiquette, Narc," I protested. "I'm not the socially awkward one."

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have said that. But I didn't like being yelled at and admonished like that!

Anyway, like I said, it went from bad to worse. At one point Narc was telling me some story and I was leaning on the bar, propped up on my elbows, looking at him while he spoke.

"Stop looking at me like that!" he exclaimed, out of nowhere.

"Like what?" I was truly taken aback.

"Like that! You're staring at me! STOP STARING AT ME!"

"What? Narc?!?! I'm not staring at you! I'm just looking at you while you're talking."

"You're staring and I can't stand it. You do it all the time! Stop it! It's giving me the creeps!"

"What are you talking about?"

I felt so utterly attacked and for absolutely no reason. I wasn't staring at him at all. I don't know what was wrong with him or why he was so angry at me. But there was nothing I could do to avoid his criticism. It was flung at me even while I sat there silently listening. I decided to try to make light of it.

"I don't know, Narc. Maybe I just like looking at you!" I smiled. "Because I like you."

"I CAN'T STAND IT!" he snapped. "You know that I lived on camera. I don't like being looked at like that."

What the fuck was this about?!?!

"Okay, okay... I'm sorry," I said.

I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. I wasn't sure what to do.

"I didn't mean to upset you or make you uncomfortable. I really, REALLY didn't mean to upset you!" I was pleading with him to let up.

"Whatever..."

He went on talking, but now I felt helpless. I didn't know where to look or what to say or how to react or what to do. I felt like whatever I would say or do would be the wrong thing-- the wrong move. So I was immobilized. I just sat there at the bar, tightly sipping my drink, my arms pinned to my sides, my gaze directed away from Narc. I felt the tears coming lightly-- just one or two leaking out to stream down my cheeks.

"Ugh! Now you're crying again! Damn it!"

I did the wrong thing again. I felt so trapped. I felt frozen.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"I'm gonna take off."

He started to gather his things.

"Wait-- WHAT? You're leaving? Can't you wait for me to finish my drink?"

"I'm going home, Hyde."

"And you're not inviting me?"

"I'm just not in the mood," he said. "I'm not in the mood to deal with all.... THIS!" He waved his arm in a gesture towards me.

"But it's after last call! You're going to leave me drunk in a bar at 4:30 in the morning a block from your place when I came down here specifically to see you?"

"Um, yeah..."

"Narc! When have we ever done that?!?! What the fuck? There's no precedent for that! We ALWAYS go home together! I don't care if you don't want to fuck me... fine. But at least let me stay at your house! When have we ever been like that?"

"Thursday night ," he fired back.

"Yeah, but that's different," I argued. "First of all, I had to get up the next morning at 7:00 am to teach. Second of all, we agreed in advance that I wouldn't be staying over."

"So?"

"Narc! I came to your neighborhood and I've been buying you drinks all night!"

"I've paid for your drinks before."

"Yeah, but you owe me $80 in cash."

"You're gonna call me on that now? What's your point?"

"No, I'm not going to call you on that. I'm just saying... You've been criticizing me all night; I came to you; I paid for you... And now you're kicking me out?"

"Whatever Hyde. Let's go. Just, c'mon!"

I followed him out of the bar.

"I'm sorry if I made you mad before," I said.

"It's fine. I know you didn't mean to. Just don't wake up CouchSleeper."

I was too emotionally exhausted to think too much about why I wanted to go home with Narc as opposed to getting out of it then and there.

When we got to his place, the living room was darkened, CouchSleeper's stuff was scattered everywhere, and Couchy himself lay asleep on the couch. Narc quickly ushered me into the bedroom where he followed me with some cigarettes and an ashtray. I leaned up against his heater; he sat in his desk chair, and we chatted and smoked... smoked and chatted. I pretended that everything was fine. Scrap it for now, Hyde. I told myself. Process tomorrow.

We didn't stay up that much longer. It was after 5:00, so we crawled into bed. Narc left his boxers on. Ugh! The underwear politics again. I was in no mood for it. I was just sick of gauging his moods, his wishes, his "underwear" implications. I wasn't going to play the "punishing" underwear game. What was his point? That he didn't want to fuck me? Fine! So I stripped naked, like I usually do.

Lo and behold, the underwear came off. Ten minutes later we were fucking. After the fucking, he went back into "punishment" mode. No cuddling, no soothing, no rest. Just a back turned to me in the dark. I was physically and mentally wiped out, though, and I couldn't care less. Fuck it.

The next morning I woke up from the ringing of my cell phone and a hard Narc pressed into my side. I tried to initiate something with him, and he got into it at first, but then he seemed to want to stay asleep. Fine. I wasn't going to stick around until 3:00 pm when he deigned to get up. I got out of bed and threw my clothes on. My hair was uncombed and unruly; my eyes were smudged with liner and circled with rubbed and faded mascara. I looked a mess. I thrust my hands into my coat pockets and looked down at him. He was snoring-- pretending to be in a deeper sleep than he was.

"I'm going now," I said rather loudly. "I'm taking off."

"What?" He opened his eyes in surprise.

And I left.

Back at my place, I called B. I knew he would be getting out of church soon, and he was. We agreed to meet at a Chinese place a few blocks from me. He brought me a palm from the service.

The weather was beautiful and B made me laugh. It all felt like a clean breeze sweeping into the crevices of my cobwebbed soul. We decided to go to the movies at Union Square (he also had to pick something up at the Circuit City there.) We saw Thank you for Smoking, which I thoroughly enjoyed, laughing loudly at several points. It was just what I needed. B is always so grounding to me. I always feel more myself, more sturdy when I'm with him. And it makes me wonder how I get lost so easily in the blackness, the booze, the drama. We hung out together until around 5:00 pm when he had to go tutor and I headed home, finally affording myself some quiet time after the whirlwind weekend.

The rest of the night, I just relaxed. I talked to Shorty on the phone, ate some spaghetti and bummed around with NDN, watching Family Guy.

And that brings us to today. I'm teaching this morning, but not the rest of the week-- we have Spring Break. I need to do some "spring cleaning" in my life. Narc and I are rotting-- we are so clearly going bad, and we never had it good. But we used to have passion. Now there's only strain. It's not good. Sometimes things change even when we don't take action to change them. Sometimes things run their course. We shall see...

Yeah, I miss you when the place got wrecked

By the winds of change and the weeds of sex

Looks like freedom but it feels like death

It's something inbetween I guess

It's CLOSING TIME