The Denouement

So, I finished chewing on my straw.

At 1:00 am I still hadn't heard from Narc and I hadn't texted him back. So I decided to get into bed.

Then he wrote again:
Group still going. Call in a few.

This time I wrote back:
K. But I may be going to bed soon. Have 9:30 therapy tomorrow...

I was tired. I fell asleep without much difficulty.

The next thing I knew, it was 3:00 am and the phone was ringing. It was Narc and he wanted to "crash at my place."

"Okay, but we've got to go right to sleep," I murmured. "I'm already sleeping."

"Yeah, I just thought it would be easier 'cause I'm in your neighborhood," he explained. "I'll be there in 10."

He was on Eighth Avenue. That is not in my neighborhood! Anyway, he arrived with a groan and a claim to be "dying!"

"What's wrong?" I asked. "It's not the morning! How can you be dying?"

"Just exhausted from tonight-- from the critique of my script and all that."

Narc lit a cigarette and sat on a stool at my kitchen counter. I rubbed my eyes and tried to listen to what he was saying. My brain was foggy and thick with sleep.

"I've really got to head back to bed," I said, when he had finished with his smoke.

We climbed into bed together, but again-- he left his underwear on. Fine. No sex. He did cuddle me though. I was back asleep within minutes.

This morning I woke up at 8:15 and got dressed. Then I walked up to my therapists office. When I got out, I spoke to Hammer on the phone and ate a bagel. It was early in Phoenix, where she is.

When I got back to my place, Narc was still in bed, but only half asleep. I took off my clothes and got in bed next to him. He put his arms around me possessively. I liked it. But I didn't like it enough. I felt unsettled. The good times are growing so few and far between that I just couldn't "scrap" the negative build-up from this weekend's quarrels. I know that "anonymous" (a few posts ago) commented that "nothing is changing," and maybe it's not... but something felt different this morning.

We ended up having sex and physically speaking, it was great sex. But I couldn't lose myself in it entirely. I felt uncomfortable. Especially after therapy. My therapist called him a "brute" and I couldn't forget that.

"Who threatens to leave a woman by herself, drunk at a bar in a distant neighborhood at 3:00 in the morning if she doesn't move by the time he finishes his cigarette? What kind of man is that?" she exclaimed.

I couldn't help but feel tense this morning-- even when he was inside of me. Perhaps, especially then. (And I think that's a good sign?)

Anyway, after that, I took a shower and he watched some TV. He told me my "internet" was broken. (Ah! Wiley-Hyde disconnected the cable just to be safe!) I acted as if I were confused about it and then plugged it back in.

"Oh... I guess the cable just pulled out," I said.

There's a tangle of wires around my computer anyway.

Then he took a shower and I ordered a pizza, as per his request. We hung out for a while longer and he called CouchSleeper on the phone. His maid service was coming and he wanted to make sure CouchSleeper was awake in order to let her in. Couchy must have asked where he was that he didn't come home the night before.

"Oh... uh, I'm at Hyde's in Midtown," he said. "I have analysis this afternoon on the Upper East and my screenwriter's meeting last night was in Midtown, so I figured it was easier to crash over here."

Is that why he wanted to stay over? Or is that just what he tells himself?

He told Couchy that he had a "meeting" at the Blue Goose later that evening.

"Well-- it's a personal meeting. Not a business meeting," I heard him say. "So feel free to join up, if you want, for a beer or two later."

Is that what he calls it when he gets together with a friend? A "MEETING?" Is that so that it seems professional? Obligatory? Meaningful? Purposeful?

Narc told me that he had been "out with the boys" all afternoon the day before. CouchSleeper is becoming a "cock-blocker" (as Hammer pointed out), and it's annoying. Couchy is plugging up Narc's loneliness, so he and I have been taken down a notch.

And then, guess what? Here comes the clincher... As he was getting ready to go, he asked to borrow money again. I really don't like this. He must be having major problems with his mother if she is tightening the purse strings, but I don't like this being a new trend. I have so much trouble saying no to anything he asks, and he knows it.

"It would only be for a day," he said. "I'll have more in there tomorrow afternoon and I can give it back to you tomorrow."

"You promise? Because I really don't have a lot of money, Narc. I'm on a low income right now."


"Yeah! All of it back tomorrow-- including the other $80."

"Well... okay."

I gave him another hundred dollars.

"I'll call you later," he smiled as he left.

I'm not stupid. I felt a little used after this exchange.

But still... it's NARC-- the same boy that I've been loving for nearly two years now. So it's hard to be cold about it. And at least we didn't fight this time, right?

I'm going to get my money back tomorrow and then after that just act really poor so that I put an end to this.

I have cabaret class tonight.
I'm looking forward to it.

I feel like a dumb-ass. A tired dumb-ass. So, if you were planning on commenting on this post by calling me a "dumb-ass," don't bother. The point is already taken.

-h-