Conversations

There's a lot going on right now-- both in my head and in my life. I can't even begin to scrape the surface, so instead I'll give you a sampling of what hit my cell phone today...


A VERY STRANGE Voice Mail from Merlin:
(Obviously he was high when he left the message. Even though I only met him once, I think I need to eliminate this guy from my life. It's bad energy)

Hey, Hyde,
I, um... It's funny, but you're probably not going to believe me. But I um... I erased this woman's number. She was not a nice person. And when you text- me. Text-- Text-- Text-TED (I'm from Brown University). When you TEXT- TEXTED me the other, er... uh... night, I thought it was this woman, Julia. Um.... true story. Um... I just wanted you to know that. Um.... And, um... You're probably not gonna... I don't know... Text me any time you want! If you ever want to party or hang out... cool! (Sigh) Big day ahead of me. Plenty of party. Plenty of cash. No auditions. Nothing to do. Bad mix. Anyway, my dear... Just wanted you to know that. Just got off the phone with my mom. Had a great conversation. Um... And, anyway, call me if you want. (Whispers: "And I don't know who you are!") I know I sound crazy, but... True thing. Weird. But... I promise, I won't call back. Bye, honey.




A Conversation with TT (beginning at 9:30 pm)
(We haven't been in touch in about two and a half weeks!)

TT: Hey, Hyde. Just giving a shout out. Hope all is well.

Hyde: Yeah-- I was wondering what happened to you! Been busy-- concerts past two weekend's and making centerpieces for my mom's party this Fri. What have you been up to?

TT: Sick. Busy. Madness. The usual.

Hyde: Oh no! Hope you're feeling better! How's apartment stuff?

TT: Grrr. Nothing really to report. Thought I found an alternate, even better spot for the same price. So of course between seeing it Sunday and today they upped the asking price $35K because response was so darned good. Makes me feel better that the place I've signed a contract for is still a bargain-- assuming I can ever close.

Hyde: NY real estate is always a battlefield, I guess!

TT: So it seems. You're good but for the busy?

Hyde: For the most part... ;)
Hyde (again): So... what are you up to this weekend?

TT: Friday night's booked, but otherwise no real plans.
TT (again): Any ideas?

Hyde: NDN is having a dinner party @ his place Sat. Do you wanna be my date?

TT: Sure. NDN is in your building, right?

Hyde: Yup. My next-door neighbor! And if it doesn't go late, we can always hit karaoke night at Cheers after!

TT: Sounds like a plan.
TT (again): Call or (*sigh*) text me Friday or Saturday and we'll firm up details, okay?

Hyde: Ha ha. Okay. :)

TT: I'm gonna sign off for a bit. Have a grand week.

Hyde: Good night!




A Conversation with Narc (beginning at 11:08 pm)

Narc: Mmm.. Patriot.

Hyde: CouchSleeper still hanging out? You there now?

Narc: He just took off for a midnight tryst. Just back home myself. Would meet you back at Patriot but you have class tomorrow!

Hyde: Ah! So you know my schedule! :) A midnight tryst sounds dramatic! Did you catch Idol? I'm gonna watch tomorrow...

Narc: "Idol" was terrible. All country.

Hyde: Maybe I'll like it. Cheers is getting Cash karaoke this week. PS: My crafting is complete. Thank God that's fucking over! But I should be around after choir tomorrow if you're "Patrioting" then...

Of course, Narc didn't text back, leaving me hanging and driving me FUCKING CRAZY as he is prone to do! (He makes my heart ache, damn it!) I have very mixed feelings about inviting TT on the date. On the one hand, I don't want to lead him on, as I didn't feel any real connection with him the last time we hung out. On the other hand, I have never really been "myself" with him, and maybe it's worth one last shot at seeing if there's anything there. Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and show him my true colors and see if we connect.

I'm really anxious tonight. I didn't drink Sunday night or Monday night or tonight. Last night I lay in bed until nearly 4:00 am doing a crossword puzzle. When I finally fell asleep I had nightmares and they were all lucid dreams which made it so much creepier and so much worse. I only got about 4 hours of sleep and crashed out this afternoon, napping from 1:00-4:00. Now, I'm wide awake again because it's the night and I seem to be a creature of the night. I'm wired and pacing about the apartment.

What's been going through my mind? Well, part of it is that I've been thinking a lot about my intense attraction to Narc and what it's all about, and I have a lot of thoughts on the issue. I think I'm a "codependent" personality in the classic sense of the term, having been psychically formed in an alcoholic home. But my thoughts are too muddy and too tangled to begin to explain them now. I was talking it all out with B on the phone earlier, when he made me laugh.

"H-- What would Dr. Phil say?" he asked.

"I don't know what he would say!" I insisted.

B put on a Southern accent.

"He'd say 'That's all fine and it's a very nice story. Write it down in a book, and I'll read it... But it all boils down to this-- you need to make a choice!'"

You should have heard B trying to do Dr. Phil. It was hysterical.

I'm not ready to commit to the right choice, but I'm edging closer. I'm processing a lot lately. And I really am trying to start protecting myself-- my health, my goals, my heart. It's just very unnatural for me and it's going to take a hell of a lot of work.

Time to get into bed now and toss and turn. In the years before I filled up my nights with Cheers I used to drink Bailey's in bed. I kind of wish I had some now. But I'm starting to understand why I don't...

Good night, all...

-H-