One Night Too Many: Part II

So, here's the rest of the post, as promised...

On Saturday, just before I left Narc's place, he told me he wasn't feeling well.

"I don't know how I'm ever going to make it through this Halloween party tonight at M&M's," he said.

(He was going to some strange party in which he had to dress in something red). Anyway, he was drinking can of coke after can of coke, and I suggested that maybe it was the sugar that was making him feel sick. (He has blood-sugar sensitivity issues not that different from my own, and I know that if I even drank half a can of regular coke, it would fuck me up and make me feel sick).

"Diet coke makes you fatter than regular coke though," he said. "It's the aspartame that does it."

"I find that hard to believe. Besides, I'm not talking about getting fat," I said. "I'm talking about the sugar crashing. If you're worried about calories and aspartame, just drink water."

Anyway, after leaving Narc's place, I met NDN at my apartment to help get him ready for the evening. Like I said, earlier, he was going as "Hyde" for Halloween. I did his make-up exactly as I do my own for a night out; I styled a long black wig for him until it looked just like my hair, and I helped him get dressed in my dress and jewelry. We even took care of minor details, giving him one of my purses, painting my tattoo onto his arm and spraying him with my perfume. It was hilarious. And I have to say, he looked rather beautiful.

As I was a little late coming back from Narc's, and I promised my sister we would get to the party early (so I could help her with her make-up), I had no time to get dressed myself. So I threw my costume and a huge kit of makeup into my bag and NDN and set off for BigSis and Bro-in-Law's new apartment in Forrest Hills. (I have to note-- I am the expert makeup artist and costumer in my family. I love that stuff and always have a lot of it on hand!)

On the way there, I took some pics of NDN in the subway. (Maybe I'll post one here, but he's got to upload them onto SnapFish for me first.) We both had that stupid song stuck in our heads-- "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" Before long, he was distressed about a run in his stockings which sparked a conversation with three women sitting nearby on the subway. They were all very interested in his costume. He explained to them that he was going as "me," and showed them some pictures of me stored in his camera in which I was wearing the same black lace top as he had on. They were all amazed at the resemblance and asked if we were "twins." It was pretty funny, as we actually look nothing alike when he's not in costume.

When we got to my sister's place, he rang the bell first, pretending to be me, and I hid around the corner. Everyone was roaring with laughter. Neither of my sisters could believe it. When my mom showed up at the party she couldn't help but laugh as well. He kept calling my sisters by my nicknames for them and even asked my mom, "mommy, can we have a picture with the family?" which of course, I was left out of.

LiLSis and JBC were dressed as Barney and Betty Rubble. It was adorable. Bro-in-Law was Superman (as he is every year), but it was especially notable for me, as I had seen the Superman movie for the first time that afternoon. BigSis was dressed as a mermaid and I did a beautiful aqua and silver shimmering eyelid for her. Then I got dressed myself and went to join the crowd. It was BigSis and Bro-in-Law's good friends who I've known forever, both of their groups of work friends (who I don't know as well), the family, a few of JBC's friends, etc.

I had already decided before the party not to drink, as I try to avoid drinking in front of my family (for a variety of reasons, the least of which is maintaining my "Jekyll" facade) but NDN was all set to get smashed. Even if I had wanted to drink, it wouldn't have mattered. By 11:00 pm, I started to feel sick-- aches and pains, a slight sore throat, some chills and a fever. I went into BigSis' bedroom to close my eyes. My mom came in to find me and made me some tea. Her costume was so cute. She was dressed as a hippy with a badge on that said "I'm me in '73!" She was carrying a sign that said: "1.) Impeach the lying President! 2.) Bring home the troops! 3.) No Ideologues on the Court!" Anyway, I knew instantly that whatever it was I came down with had to be from Narc. I sent him a text:

Whatever you have, I definitely caught. Sudden onset of sore throat and chills. Sucks. Anyway, hope you found something red and are feeling better than I am! :)

My mom gave me some tylenol and after an hour or so, I rejoined the rest of the party. NDN was continuing to get more and more drunk, as was BigSis' co-worker, Charles, who happens to be flaming and quite an exhibitionist. Charles took off his shirt and had started dancing like wild in the living room, doing pushups, etc. and working up quite a sweat. NDN joined him on the dance floor and was dancing quite wildly himself. It was quite a scene, I have to say. I've never seen NDN drink that much before. He's basically a light weight, but there he was swigging half cups of straight vodka, insisting that he was acting "in character." (Ha ha... very funny.) He even asked my mom to do shots with him and grabbed her head, drawing it to his stuffed bosom. OUT OF CONTROL. I parked myself on the couch next to BigSis' friend, AGrub, and we gossiped for most of the night. NDN put me on camera duty, so I got a lot of good shots of the excitement. It was a "wild" scene in it's own weird way.

As the evening progressed, both NDN and my sister's friend English got increasingly drunk. NDN thinks she's cute and started hitting on her. He told me that he was going to try to take her home with him, which I didn't think was such a good idea, knowing English the way I do. It's too much to go into right now, but trust me, it would have been a recipe for disaster. Nevertheless, NDN was determined and started asking English all sorts of personal questions about her sex life. English is not one of those people really open to talking about sex and she snapped at NDN that it was private. Even so, she was laying kind of draped over him.

At around 1:00 am or so, I was ready to head home. I gathered NDN, English and AGrub and called a car service to take us back to Manhattan. The car ride home was quite interesting. NDN continued to try to get English to agree to get home with him, and even told the cab driver that he wanted to "fuck her" in Spanish. English doesn't speak Spanish, but AGrub and I both understood him and AGrub shot me quite a look. He also pressed her again about her sexual history, etc. and I tried to get him to drop the topic. He kept giving me "the hand," as he was too drunk to realize he was being inappropriate, and that I was trying to do "damage control." He asked for her number and she told him "Hyde will give it to you."

"I'll give it to you in the morning," I said. "After I call English."

You guys get the idea. The whole ride home was like that.

Once back in our neighborhood, English and AGrub headed separate ways, while NDN wanted to stop into Cheers so that they could all see his costume. I agreed, even though I was feeling sicker and sicker, since we only planned to stay for one drink.

NDN's costume was a SMASH! IrishBird and the Bouncer were hysterical laughing. BarMan commented to me something like "I'm starting to see why you like this guy!" and PumpedUp thought it was great. The piece de resistance was when he got up to sing "I Will Always Love You," my karaoke signature song. Everyone was nearly in tears. But NDN was increasingly incoherent. He started making fun of me, trying to act like "drunk Hyde," saying things like "Oh, but I love him! I love him!" imitating how I get about Narc. And he even sent me a text saying "I love him! I want to fuck him!" It was funny, but a little over the top. I'm still sensitive about all of that. He ordered my "go-to" drink, as BarMan calls it, but he mistakenly called BarMan "BarMan," instead of his real name. I nudged him not to start giving away my "secrets" at the bar.

NDN started dancing with as many people as possible, grabbing them and kissing them on the cheeks. He was just flirting with everyone right and left. It was out of control, in a way that's hard for me to put into words, and without wanting to embarrass him too much on this blog. After he sang, and at around 3:00 am, I had enough. I was getting the chills and was sure I had a fever, and I just wanted to go home. I told NDN it was time to leave.

Back in our building, he begged me to let him stay over at my place. I told him "no." I just needed to get as good a night's sleep as possible, and to be honest, I had enough of my drunk hyper neighbor for one evening! I unlocked his door for him and said good night, and took off my makeup, starting to unwind. I got into bed, and gratefully closed my eyes. A minute later, the doorbell rang. NDN needed help getting off his necklace and bracelet. I complied. I got back into bed and started to drift off to sleep. Wait-- what was that? The doorbell ringing again. I opened the door and found NDN stretched out on the floor in the hallway. Now, this didn't come out of nowhere. To give you guys the background-- one night last November, I got so drunk that I passed out in the hallway like that. My other next-door neighbor found me, but couldn't drag me into my apartment alone. He rang NDN's bell at 4:00 am and the two of them had to get me home. So NDN thought he was funny doing a "dramatic reenactment" of that evening. Being sick and half asleep at nearly 4:00 am, I was not so amused. I told him to get up and go to bed.

"Can't I sleep in your hallway tonight?" he begged.

"No. Now go to sleep."

I got back into bed and again was just drifting into a good sleep when I heard some thumping on my door. I tried to ignore it. It didn't stop. He must have "thumped" for a good 10 minutes. Now I was pissed off. I opened the door.

"If you don't stop banging on my door, I'm going to call downstairs to the doorman and have them drag you away. You're being a fucking asshole. Now, stop!"

I slammed the door shut. NDN sent me a series of tragic text messages:
(The last is kind of funny. If you read Dan's blog, he makes reference to Dan's girlfriend, although neither of us could make sense of what he was trying to say the next morning!)

The first:
Aliance? Drunk? drunk Luis? He taxi driver. HElp!

The second:
Me homd bvt drunk. Home bv HELP! Should I go out?

The third:
FINE! ME GO OUT! HELP HYDE! BE A FRBIEND! HELP!

The fourth:
Me hear bv and sad sad like Mako ane leave! she should let u know

Needless to say, I didn't get any of these texts until the next day, because by that point, I had shut my phone off.

The next day, I woke up feeling even worse. I stayed at home all day, trying to rest up. Today was basically the same...

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go to work tomorrow, but we'll see...

Gotta go watch Dr. Phil now.

later!

-h-

10,000?

I wonder if we'll reach 10,000 visitors by the end of the day today!

Should I offer someone a prize for it? I'm pretty lousy at that. I still haven't sent Dan a prize for winning that photo contest. (Dan, I haven't forgot you! I'm just lazy...)

I'm still pretty sick and think I need to cancel all of my appointments for the day. If I'm no better by tomorrow I'm also going to have to cancel teaching and skip my own class. What a mess. Anyway, I promise you Part II of last night's post ASAP. For now, I'm going to crawl back into bed and watch the repeat of yesterday's soap opera before dragging myself to the doctor.

:)

h

PS:

Happy Halloween!
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIGSIS!

One Night Too Many: Part I

It's here. The first sore throat of the season. I feel so sick today that all I want to do is curl up in bed and watch mindless television. Too bad I still have a massive pile of midterms to grade. I went out late Thursday night with Narc, to a party on Friday night and another late night party again last night. (Although I didn't drink last night). Guess I was just out "one night too many."

This weekend was an interesting one-- a lot happening. But while I don't have the energy to be as detailed as usual, I'll try to give you the highlights. (Some of this, I already mentioned in the previous post, so sorry for any repetitions...)

Thursday:

On Thursday night, I taught a great class. Two students stayed afterwards and told me how much they enjoyed it. I walked out with them. One of them asked me how old I am, and when I told her "26," she could hardly believe it. I was really flattered and it was a nice boost to my self esteem. Parting ways with the students, I turned on my cell phone. Guess who? Yes, a message from Narc:

Hey, it's me. It's about 8:30. Um, it's uh, It's Thursday, so as I recall, I think you have a late class tonight, or something? I'm not sure. Well, of course you do, but I'm not sure how late it goes... til 9:00 or til 10:00 or til what. But, I'm on the Upper East Side and I'm taking the green line down. I have to meet a friend of mine at Marseille in a little bit. But that's in like an hour or so. So, I was going to pop into Cheers and all that and maybe, um, get a drink and maybe do Karaoke and all that. But I guess you're still teaching. So, maybe I'll see you in a bit. I don't know. Anyway, just give me a ring back if you like. Alright. Bye.

(I think it's cute how he always sounds nervous on the phone when he calls me.)

Needless to say, I was excited and called him back. He said that he was already at Marseille but that he could stop by Cheers afterwards. I raced home as fast as I could. NDN had sent me a text that he was already at Cheers. He had decided to go to my sister's Halloween party as "Hyde," so he wrote me a text telling me he was at Cheers doing some research to "get into character." I laughed and went over there to join him. I told him that Narc was on his way and that I was nervous about it. (Remember, they don't like him very much at Cheers!) NDN assured me it would be fine. Soon enough, Narc arrived. It's always a little awkward when I first see him, but we ended up having fun. NDN moved over to another table and Thursday girl joined him, pointedly asking him in reference to Narc, "What is he doing here?" But in general, Narc was none the wiser that he wasn't all that welcome there. We did some karaoke and both got drunk. NDN left after a little while. Narc and I came back to my place to continue the evening's revels at around 2:00 am.

Friday:

The next morning we both got up pretty late-- at around 12:00 pm. I had my speech therapy appointment and was worried about getting him out of bed. (If you recall, I left a brief post about that.) Anyway, I did get him up, but I didn't make it to my appointment. Instead, I got a little sidetracked (and I'm sure you know what I mean). I had another doctor's appointment at 3:00-- to get the results of a test I had two weeks ago. I was nervous about it. Narc didn't want me to go. He said I should just skip it. Then, he asked if I had anything to drink in the house. I have purposely not restocked any alcohol here, so all I had to offer was some cheap vodka and some khalua. He started drinking straight away. Not me. Since he really didn't want to part ways, I offered that he could come to the doctor with me, and then we could go back to my place after that. He agreed and said that he would wait for me during my appointment in a nearby pub. It was a beautiful little place called "Tir Na Nog" and I met him there right after, according to plan.

When I walked into the bar, Narc was visibly drunk. He was talking to some guy about the Berklee College of Music in Boston. Narc attended for a really short time, but didn't like it there and was trying to persuade this guy not to have his son go. Anyway, the news I had from the doctor was not all that great (I really don't feel like discussing it here) and I didn't want to discuss it with Narc either. But of course he asked me what had happened when he saw that I was visibly upset. He told me that I shouldn't worry-- that the whole health care profession is just trying to get money from people by diagnosing people with problems that aren't really problems in order to be able to run more tests and make money from the subsequent medical procedures. He was on one of his drunk rants and not making logical sense, so I kept trying to change the subject, telling him I "didn't want to talk about it."

"Normally, I wouldn't care, you know? But it's you," he said. "It's you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Well, you're my Hyde!" he said. "My Hyde."

Shit.

Anyway, he just drank more and more. I ordered him some food (and some for myself) because neither of us had eaten all day.

"I'm going to get wasted today!" he declared. "So, you'll have to hold me together, okay?"

"Okay."

Later we started talking about teaching and stuff and he told me that he's sure I'm a good teacher. I was happy because I've never quite forgotten what he said about me being an "unfit teacher" all the way back in January. Anyway, I had two jack daniels but after that switched to diet soda. I just didn't want to be drunk like that in the afternoon. He tried to pressure me a bit to get back onto the whiskey, but I reminded him that I was supposed to "hold him together," so I couldn't. Really, though, I knew I had dinner plans with NDN and a Halloween party to go to that night. I told Narc that he could come with me if he wanted to, but that I had to be home by 6:00-ish.

"You're sleeping at my place tonight," he announced.

"Oh, is that so?"

"That's right. I own you today, Hyde."

He can get so fucking grandiose. It probably sounds obnoxious here, but at the time that he said it, I thought it was half sweet and half funny. He wasn't being entirely serious. When his words were starting to become incoherently slurred and he seemed about ready to fall off the bar stool, I told him we had to go. It's a good thing too, because when he stood up he had absolutley no balance. I took his hand and led him out into midtown rush hour. We were right near Penn Station and there was not a cab to be seen.

I know that Penn Station has a taxi stand on the other side, so I tried to lead Narc there. He kept bumping into people as we went, and I had to turn and apologize them as we moved along. When we finally got to the taxi line, Narc freaked out about how long it was and said he wanted to walk home instead. It's about a half hour walk, and I wasn't sure what to do, but he was getting a little belligerent. I didn't want to lose control of the situation, so I agreed, taking his hand and leading him towards my place. While we were walking he decided he wanted to go to another pub that he knows near Times Square. I agreed only to keep him content because we had to walk in that direction anyway. But somewhere near Macy's, I saw a free cab and ran towards it. To do so, I had to leave him on the corner, and I was worried he wouldn't realize where I had gone. He managed to make it over to the cab though, and we were off, headed for my apartment.

Narc wanted to make out in the taxi, as I told you in the last post. He kept trying to take off my pants, and I kept telling him that he had to wait until we got home. I'm sure the driver overheard us and I was embarassed. When he saw he wasn't getting anywhere with my pants, he started to take off his own. There wasn't much I could do to stop him without drawing unwanted attention from the driver, so I let him do it, and then just tried to put my hand over him to keep him quiet and to keep the driver from seeing anything. While I was putting on my "responsible Jekyll"/"caretaker" of Narc act, part of me liked being in that kind of "naughty" situation. If I had been drunk too, it would have been fun. There was just too much Jekyll in me, though. Anyway, when we got to my corner, he forgot to zip up before getting out of the car. He was swaying, unbalanced, and hanging out of his pants. The fruit seller who I see on my corner every day, looked at me alarmed.

"Are you okay, miss?" he asked.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine. He just had one too many, that's all. It's alright."

Back at my place, Narc wanted to have sex, as promised. I was fine with it, but stressed out because I knew NDN was waiting for me to call him and tell him it was okay to come over. And afterwards, I couldn't get Narc to get dressed again, so I couldn't give NDN the call. Finally, I just told NDN to come anyway, and when the doorbell rang, I pressured Narc put his pants back on. I was starting to feel like the whole day was some kind of surreal dream, between all of Narc's antics and the bad news I had from the doctor. I was so emotionally stressed out. Maybe I would have handled it all differently, if I didn't have the doctor's new on my mind, but maybe not... I just felt like I had to be a mother to Narc that day--and I got off on taking care of him. But then again, for all you Freudians, is it any surprise, something primal is sparked in me by taking care of and pleasing drunk men? So, whatever...

NDN brought over some chicken and string beans but didn't have food for Narc. I asked Narc for his credit card and sent NDN for some pizza and beer (Narc was insisting on drinking yet even more). While he was gone, I cooked the chicken and looked for a CD to put on, choosing the Rachmaninoff vespers. Narc came up behind me while I was searching the CD shelves, and I had to fend him off because I knew NDN would be back in a few minutes. When NDN returned, he had bought me a beautiful bouquet of lilies and roses and charged it to Narc. I thought it was kind of funny. He also had the pizza and beer and we all ate dinner. Then it was time for me to help NDN get ready for the party. It was a fundraising/costume party for a small opera company.

(The background on that? When I was in high school I did a lot of community theater and the summer after I graduated, I was in a sort of "opera training" program for teens. We did a production of the Mikado and then some smaller recital type performances. I stayed in touch with two people from that group for a few years-- one was a boy a few years younger than me, who had already at age 16, an enormous Verdi-baritone type voice; the other a girl my age, a lyric soprano. Both of them pursued singing as a career. The boy (who is now 24, I think) ended up doing all sorts of amazing things, including a young artists program with Placido Domingo. He then moved out to the West Coast and started performing small roles. Anyway, to make a long story short, he just moved back to NY and threw a party two weeks ago. I went, bringing NDN along, and the girl (who I had lost touch with) was there as well. She's singing with this small opera company in NY and invited me to their fundraising Halloween party. Again, I asked NDN along).

Anyway, I helped NDN with his makeup and costume. Since it was an opera-themed party, he went as Paggliacio and I went as Cio Cio San. While we were getting ready, Narc passed out cold on my bed. At around 9:30, we were ready to leave, but we still had the problem of the sleeping Narc. I started to try to wake him up. He didn't budge. I tried to put my arms around him and heave him out of the bed, but he's just too heavy for me. I tried to slap his cheeks a little (lightly, of course!), but he rolled over and shrugged me off. I tried to drag his legs over the side of the bed to get his feet onto the ground. It was hopeless. I told NDN that maybe I should just stay home. But NDN was determined to help me get Narc up, so we each slung one of Narc's arms around our necks and hauled him up. We led him into the hallway and leaned him against the wall and tried to shove his shoes onto his feet. We got him downstairs and I sent NDN to the ATM because Narc was out of cash. Then NDN hailed a cab while I held Narc up on the corner. I gave Narc $20 and we put him in the car. He was confused and wanted me to come with him, but I told him that I couldn't. He was upset and demanded that I "get into the car!" But we just closed the door and sent him off. I was full of a slew of mixed emotions-- too many for me to sort through right now. But most of all, I was worried about him and wanted him to get home safely.

After that, NDN and I headed uptown to the opera party and I tried to put all the Narc stuff behind me. I already blogged about the party. Narc called me a few times and told me he got out of the cab at the wrong place. I was worried sick until he called me when he got home. I really do love him. I promised him I would call him on my way home from carousing that evening and maybe go down and see him. He really just needed to sleep it off though. NDN was chatting it up with all of the ladies at the party, and one girl was really into him and probably would have gone home with him, but he wasn't that attracted to her. I spent most of the party talking to that tenor who told me I have great cheekbones. The party ended relatively early because they only had the room reserved til midnight, so after that, NDN and I took off for Cheers.

Again, I already blogged about this in the last post. (I can't believe I felt KHill through his jeans. That's something Jekyll would never ever do! But I have to confess, I have a little crush on him, so it was kind of cool.) Anyway, NDN went home before me but I stayed out really really late and drank a lot. At around 3:00 in the morning, I sent Narc a text:

If you're still up, call me. I want to fuck you.

I'm not surprised I didn't hear back from him that night. I don't remember how or when I got home, but I woke up the next morning ultra-hungover. And I had a message from Narc:

Hey, it's me. It's about 11:00 am. I just crawled out of bed. You are probably still asleep, but just give me a call when you get this.

I called him back and he asked if I wanted to "come on down and have sex." I know how crass it must sound to you guys, but in reality, he just wanted to invite me over and can't admit that he wants to spend time with me without couching it in some kind of obnoxious macho way. I told him I'd give him a call in a little while. In the meantime, B stopped by and asked if I wanted to get lunch.

So I lunched with B and then went to see Narc. It was cute-- Narc wanted to play his new video game with me. I have so rarely played video games that I hardly knew how to hold or operate the controller. So I wasn't much competition for him. Then we watched Superman on TV and ate sushi. He wasn't feeling well. He said it was more than the hangover-- he thought he was getting sick. I told him I had to leave by 5:30 to get back to my place in time to get ready for my sister's Halloween party. He was sad to see me go.

Anyway, last night there was a lot more excitement. NDN played "Hyde" for the evening and did a smashing job. But as this post is getting dreadfully long, I'll write the "Part II" later...

-h-

Hangover

Holy shit. I have a a hangover like there's no tomorrow. Fuck that. I'm still drunk. Narc just called me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Wanna come down here and have sex?"

"Um... Okay."

But I'll get to that in a few minutes...

First-- You guys would not BELIEVE the scene at my place yesterday. We woke up around 11:00 am and he started drinking straight away. I have very little booze at my place, but he found a bottle of cheap vodka (purchased for a house party a year ago) and some Khalua and started drinking as soon as he was up. I couldn't get him up in time to make it to my speech therapy, so I skipped it. Then I had a 3:00pm doctor's appointment on the West Side. He came with me, but I left him at a pub until I was done. When I met him an hour later, or so, he was WASTED. Falling off the stool wasted! He called me "my hyde" and told me he always worries about me. (That stuff fucking kills me, you know?) Anyway, I managed to get him home in one piece. He tried to take my pants off in the cab, but I resisted. So he whipped his own thing out and I could only keep him "in line" by jacking him off. I was embarassed and hoped the cab driver didn't see. When we got to my corner and got out of the cab he didn't even zip up before getting out. He was that drunk. He couldn't even form complete sentences. The guy who sells fruit on my corner got one look at the whole scene and asked me if I were okay.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I said. "Thanks for asking. He just had one too many."

All this was still before 7:00 pm, mind you.

The rest of the evening got weirder and weirder. Narc was so drunk he lost all coherence. We had sex during which he told me he "loves me" over and over and over. I knew how drunk he was, so it's not like I could believe it, but it still fucked with my head. After that, NDN came over to have dinner. I really think he needs to chime in here to describe the scene to you. Eventually Narc passed out on my bed. NDN and I had to haul him out of there, slinging his arms around our necks and trying to drag him out of the bed. (Narc, by the way, must be at least 6'2" and 200 lbs.) NDN hailed a cab for him. The only way I could get Narc to stay calm was to tell him to kiss me. He smeared my makeup everywhere. (I was dressed as a geisha for a halloween party. Well, Cio Cio San from Madama Butterfly to be exact). We put Narc in the cab (and I gave him $20) and we sent him off. He was mad at me for not coming with him.

Later on, he called me and told me that he got out of the cab in the wrong neighborhood. I was sick with worry. I made him promise to call me when he got home, which he did. Even so, I had a blast at that halloween party. I met a tenor who told me I have the "cheekbones" of a singer. And I got drunk. Narc called again and made me promise to call him when I was on my way home.

NDN and I ended the night at Cheers. I saw KHill there who told me I looked "hot" in the geisha outfit. He was outside smoking a cigarette and told me he had an erection. He told me to feel it through his jeans. I did. Where do I meet these people? I reminded him he once said he wanted to "impregnate me." He was embarassed. Whatever... It was all good and I was having fun. I also bumped into another girl, WelcomeToTheJungle-- I had met her at Cheers a few months ago and we became friends, but then I never called her after we exchanged numbers. I apologized for that and bought her a drink.

I didn't get home until 4:30 or 5:00 am. I sent Narc a text:

If you're still up, call me. I want to fuck you.

He just called me now. I told him I was hung over but glad that he got home safe. (This, of course, being the conversation I started this post with.)

"Yeah, I'm totally recovered," he said. "I woke up at 6:00 am this morning, but the hangover disappeared."

"So what's up?" I asked. "Why are you calling?"

"Um, I don't know... Wanna come over and have sex?"

"Sure."

Just after that, B called.

"Wanna have lunch today, Hyde?"

"Okay? But soon? I have to go have sex with Narc."

"I can be there in half an hour."

"Perfect. See you then."

Guys, I feel like my life is crazy. I'm crazy. NDN, your two cents? Fuck, fuck. fuck. Why am I still drunk when it's almost noon? Why do I still put up with Narc's shit? When am I going to get it together?

Arghhh! I'm going to brush my teeth and get dressed so that I'm presentable for B. Then I'm going to pretend that I have some semblance of sanity and ignore last night's memory loss. Maybe after that I'll pick up the pizza crusts and used condoms from my living room floor.

I have to go to BigSis' birthday party tonight.

Later...

-h

Oh, PS: Funny part of the story-- Narc gave NDN his credit card to go buy us some pizza. NDN also bought me a huge bouquet of lilies and roses on Narc's tab. Narc was too drunk to know the difference. I thought it was sweet. Ha!

Shock

Talk about a shocker...

My house is a pig stye. But I guess I have no shame. I woke up this morning with my eyes stinging, and as bad of a hangover headache as I ever get.

Oh, yeah... and Narc was in bed next to me.

Oops!

He's still there now.

How the fuck am I going to get him up and out of here in time for my speech therapy?

There was a time when I would have left him at my house and let him sleep. Not anymore. There's no fucking way I trust that guy to be alone in my place.

IT'S FUCKED UP, BUT TRUE.

-h

Random Facts

Some random facts for you:

• I got a pedicure this week (and enjoyed every minute of it!)
• I met a musical theater loving sushi chef at the Manchester pub on Sunday night and then bumped into him again last night at Cheers.
• Hammer's parents are visiting NY this week
• I'm going to an Opera-themed Halloween party on Friday night
• I'm going to BigSis' birthday party on Saturday. (She wants a gift certificate to buy herself yet another pair of shoes! She's one of those junkies)
• Last night, I met a guy who played football for the New England Patriots from 1994-1998. (Yes, he was huge!)
• Every weekend in December is already booked up for me. (What a stressful month!)
• I'm mulling over whether or not to jump on the bandwagon with this whole NaNoWriMo thing.
• Liu called me last night
• I'm no longer going to be Medusa for Halloween. (Didn't have time to make my glittering snake head-piece)

Um... I guess that's it for now. Have to go teach a class...

You'll have to wait on the tattoo. It's a surprise... But once I get it, maybe I'll do a post with a picture of all of my tattoos (with the new addition, it'll be four!)

-h-

New Tattoo!

Yay! I've decided on a new tattoo! I've been turning this over in my head for about two years now, but I'm finally sure of what I want. It's going to be a modest one-- and on the inside of my left wrist (but higher than the wrist--above my watch). I think I still need time for a little more planning before I can go ahead and get it done, but I'm pretty positive I'm going to work it out within the next two-three weeks.

I'm excited...

-h

Long Day

It's been a long long long long LONG fucking day!

I'm back in my office about to dash off to teach my last class. I've been up since 6:00 am, racing around the city in the freezing cold and the rain. No... I'm not complaining. (Well, yes, I was, but...) I like the cold, so if I have to take a little rain with it, I'll make do. I think part of the exhaustion comes from the Holocaust class that I have on Tuesday afternoons. One of the readings-- "Excremental Assault." Need I say more?

I'm so not looking forward to the hour-long bus commute home. But I guess those are the breaks.

Now, on to 19th century mass politics! Let's see if I can spark an interest in my students, and get them to forget the fact that I haven't finished grading their midterm exams.

Later!

h

A Response to My Readers

I shouldn't be posting right now. In fact, I should get back to the paper at hand (as I sit here at a computer in the library), but I just read the most recent comment on my last post from "anonymous," and I won't feel settled until I respond.

I feel like I've failed to get something important across when it comes to the situation with Narc. Dan writes that he "can't understand why I forgave him," and Anonymous writes that my behavior is an example of "not living at all."

I didn't forgive him, but I still love him. And for me, continuing to love someone is living. In fact, it's to live boldly.

Anonymous also writes:

You did not choose to do something rather than do nothing and regret it. You simply allowed Narc to do something (i.e., you).

I appreciate the feedback, but I disagree. I did choose to do something. I chose to forge a relationship with Narc. I chose to continue to engage with him despite the difficulties it posed. I chose to take a risk on someone who despite his problems has many redeeming qualities, someone who has never had very much love in his life and someone who at points (when he has allowed it) has opened up in amazing ways. The fact that he can't sustain that connection, or doesn't want to, was not immediately clear, and is still difficult for me to fully accept.

But the point is that I'm not some kind of object allowing myself to be passively acted upon by Narc! I've been making "choices" and acting with agency throughout this entire relationship.

Although the terms that Narc has offered me have never been enough to satisfy, instead leaving me considerably sad and frustrated, I've persisted and stuck with him because I see something in him behind the steel walls he's created between himself and the world. I see him and I've held on to that despite his efforts to push me away by hurting me.

But in the end, if he wants to push me away, then away I must go. Despite the contradictory messages he's been issuing for the past year and a half, he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want a "relationship." What is there to do except to move on, to demand more and to find better treatment from someone else? But you can't fault me for trying. I understand that this is no kind of lasting love, if he won't let it be. But to me, love is love, and not a project so easily abandoned.

I'm not a "masochist" for having stuck it out with Narc. Hammer reminded me of this, and brought me back to myself and my values in her comment on the post "We Met."

She writes:

"I masochistically offerred him a massage..."That's not masochism! That's love and generosity! Don't confuse them!

She's right. Although I find that in the past few weeks and months I've been frequently confused-- by my own behavior, by Narc's behavior, about what I wish for most and in regards to what I'm working for.

Mr. Mystic left me a comment on the post "We Spoke," asking:

If you could have one wish regarding Narc, what would it be?

Honestly, I can't answer that question. I have lost all orientation. But I do know this-- the reason that I stayed invested in Narc is not because I hate myself; it's because I love him. It's because I saw something in him--something that I wanted to nurture--something that I still feel terrible abandoning.

Maybe I've failed. Maybe I can't make this work. Maybe that was clear to all of you from the start. But don't forget that Narc is a person and not a character. None of you have been there and felt what I've felt in the moments of good. None of you have looked him in the eye in those moments of vulnerability. I honestly thought that I could save this. And the moments that he melted those walls with me were so incredibly intense that it was enough fuel to push me through the bad moments-- being stood up for the opera, being cast out the night of my brother's accident, knowing he masturbated in front of my friend, being called a whore, being kicked out of his place for the Exhibitionist, dealing with him getting too "physical," and the worst offense of all which I have never even posted about here.

That I chose love despite these incidents does not make me stupid and it does not make me passive. It only makes me stubborn. Stubborn to a fault.

And I've always known that I'm stubborn.

And I've never once fallen out of love.

And I doubt that I ever will.

-h-

Yes,

Yes,

I'd rather be sorry for something I've done than for something that I didn't do!

We Met

So the story continues, picking up where I left off...

That night, at Cheers, I was flying, I was so happy. NDN and I had a great time. He tried to get me to dance, but I refused. Even so, my mood was very "bang! bang!" as FightingMensch would say. It was karaoke night, so I sang a few times. I bought NDN a glass of sherry (an unusual choice) but he left after one drink. He had to get to work the next day. As for me, I was taking it easy, sipping several glasses of Chardonnay, happily chatting with IrishBird, BarMan and ThursdayGirl. The night rolled along until around 1:30 am when ThursdayGirl and some random guy sang that duet "Picture" (by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow). There's a phrase in the song:

I ain't seen the sun shine in 3 damn days.
Been fuelin up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
But I wonder if I'll ever change my ways

Anyway, BarMan winked at me (because of those lyrics) and it made me feel strange... All of a sudden, I was getting a craving. I guess it was a trigger of sorts. It's strange what can act as a trigger like that! It was so unexpected. Well, to make a long story short, I ordered a Jack Daniels and then another and then another.

At around 2:00 am a REALLY wasted guy came in with two beautiful women. It turns out that two of the three went to Columbia and graduated in 2005. I felt old. I talked to them for a while, because we were all drunk and there was no one else to talk to, but the guy was a major asshole. He kept saying that he wanted to buy Cheers and make it into a chain. BarMan told him it was family owned and that he was pretty sure it wasn't for sale, but this guy was so cocky and arrogant and so drunk and so up in everyone's faces. Yuck.

At around 2:30 am, IrishBird announced "last call." The three of them wanted to continue to drink, so I told them that Manchester Pub is usually open late. They asked if I wanted to join them, and I agreed. It took a little longer to get out of there though, and by the time we had all paid our tabs, they decided to go home instead. I was all revved up and told IrishBird I was going to head to Manchester on my own. I said goodbye to everyone and left. Once outside the door, though, the voice of practicality cut through the fog of alcohol.

Why are you going to Manchester by yourself at nearly 3:00 am on a Thursday night? It asked. Shouldn't you just go home? You just worked a twelve hour day today and were exhausted and you have so much to do tomorrow! Go get some sleep.

Okay. So I went home.

The only problem? I was still super-wound up, not only from my conversation with Narc but now from the whiskey as well. A few glasses of Jack always make me hyper. I remembered that Narc had told me he would be up until the "wee hours," so I figured I'd call him to say "good night." I really didn't plan on going there. Primarily because I had NO cash on me to take a cab, and I'm not in the habit of riding the subway while drunk at 3:00 am. Wait-- but what if he asked me to come? Would I change my mind? I decided to see if I could scrounge some money together "just in case." I scrambled all around the house. All I came up with was about four rolled up single-dollar bills. You know you're hitting "irresponsible" when you're resorting to old coke-bills for cash. There was no way I could come up with enough to get there. I dialed anyway. He answered. He was asleep.

"Hey, what's up?" (He was groggy, but he knew it was me).

"Oh, Narc! I'm sorry! Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but that's okay."

"I guess I'll go. I just thought I'd see if you were still up."

"No, that's alright. Why don't you come over?"

"Now?"

"Yeah. Come over now."

"But I don't have any cash. I'll have to take the subway."

"Whatever... I'll wait for you."

"Okay. Bye."

I hung up and drunk-shaved as fast as I could. Then I reapplied an entire layer of my makeup, poured some food into my cat's bowl and dashed (or rather stumbled) out the door.

Upon arrival (at around 4:00 am), I had to laugh to myself, for Sunshine's "prophecy" had come true. When I had spoken to her earlier in the evening, she encouraged me not to pay a "night time" visit to Narc.

"You know he's going to answer the door naked," she had said, "with a bottle of wine on the table."

"How do you know that?"

"I know this guy!" she insisted. "I've been reading about him for months!"

Well, she was right. He answered the door naked and physically "ready for action"-- typical Narc. The open bottle of wine sat on the coffee table. He started kissing me right at the door.

"You went to Cheers?" he smiled.

"Yeah. How can you tell? Do I taste like whiskey?"

I could tell it bothered him a little that I went out, even though I knew he was at his place waiting for me. I was a little embarrassed because I knew he was sober and I wasn't. Whatever, though... there was nothing I could do about it at that point. We didn't even head for the living room. With just a few words exchanged, we went right to the bedroom.

As for what comes next, I'll spare you the details. All I can say is that it was unbelievable. I hate him for that. (Please sir, I'd like some more...)

And that was that.

The next morning, more was had. It was amazing and I was lulled into momentary happiness. He fell back asleep and dozed for a while. I lay there staring at his bookshelves, as I've done countless times before. When he woke up, we lay there for a while talking.

I hate to say it, but he was a total "downer." Everything out of his mouth was a complaint of some kind. He told me that he's been depressed, that his trip wasn't fulfilling, and again, that he's been having trouble getting motivated for his movie. He complained that his back was hurting (I masochistically offered him a massage), and then he told me of some depressing book he read about how the FDA is conspiring to suppress natural cures for diseases like diabetes in order to make more money from the drug industry. Blah. Minus the sex, I just wasn't having a very good time.

I noticed a new book on his shelf, and asked him about it. I think it startled him that I have his bookshelves memorized, but there have been so many mornings that I've just lay there, waiting for him to get up, my eyes running over those volumes. When I looked out the window, I saw that they're putting up a new building about a block away. When it goes up, it's going to block his view of the Empire State Building. Sucks for him!

Anyway, after a while he got up and started his morning internet browsing. I told him he should post his photos from the trip, and he said that he would show them to me first, because it would take forever to upload them all. So I got up and leaned next to him at the computer. He opened the folder with his pictures and I saw a few half-naked pictures of the Exhibitionist that he must have taken (I also saw them posted on her "Exhibitionist" website, by the way.) I feel like he opened the folder in front of me like that because he knew I would notice them and he wanted me to. He was trying to play a head game, but I pretended not to notice, so as not to give him any satisfaction.

The bottom line is that I just wasn't feeling it with him. He was dragging me down emotionally and even though the sex was great, and my feelings for him are tangled and loaded, I just wasn't having a good time that morning. I told him that I had to take off by 12:30 in time for my speech therapy. We screwed around for a while more and then he told me that he'd get dressed and leave with me. He gave me back my top that I had left there in August. While I was waiting for him, the Exhibitionist called him. I don't know what's up with them, but I have zero tolerance for sharing, and even though Narc and I are not in a "relationship," I don't want to be involved on any level if he's working two things at once. I'm just not interested in that. I can't deal with it emotionally.

Anyway, it was raining as we left the building and he complained. He was whining a little-- said he was still sick. I don't know. It felt awkward between us.

"So? What are your plans for the day?" I asked.

"I don't know. I'm gonna go to Mocca for a while and read, I guess," he said glumly. "Then, maybe I'll go catch a movie at Union Square. I don't know... What about you?"

"Well, speech therapy, like I told you... Then I have to get some work done, and then I have plans with Hammer and NDN to bum around my place tonight, smoking marijuana and watching movies," I answered.

"Sounds a lot more exciting than my night," he said.

I didn't say anything.

We walked together the one block to Mocca, neither of us uttering a word. Then it was time for us to part. He just started to walk away from me towards the entrance to the coffee shop, radiating depression all the while.

Was that it? Was he just going to leave without a goodbye?

"Well, I guess I'll see ya!" I called after him.

He turned around uncomfortably.

"Oh, uh, yeah... See you soon."

"It was good seeing you again," I smiled.

I didn't wait for a response. I just turned and walked away.

All in all, I felt bad for him. It's like he's dying for a connection so badly, but he can't forge one. And he realized that even after the night of sex with me, he still didn't feel close to me. I think that's what depressed him. It's as if he were searching for a sort of "fix" that never came. Knowing that, as we parted on that street corner only depressed him more. Of course, I'm inferring a lot here, but that's how it felt to me at the time.

Anyway, the reason I don't think this whole reunion was a disaster is because even though I still love Narc, (and I really do), I just didn't feel "in love" with him. Well, maybe that's not the right way to put it. It's more that I just felt dragged down by him... diminished, undervalued... And he seemed somewhat pathetic to me. Sad. He made me sad. But it was a moment of clarity-- sad in a way that has room for the knowledge that I can't help him, so I'll keep my "being" separate from his. Usually, the kind of sad he makes me feel is one of frustration and longing at not being able to knock down his walls. A sadness of endlessly banging my head against the same wall. But this time it was different. It was an amazingly liberating moment. I'm not sure if it will last, but it was still a revelation of sorts...

Anyway, I have a lot more to say, but no time right now. I spent this morning visiting my brother, and although the surgery went okay, his entire head is swollen and his left eye is squeezed shut from the swelling. It was all kind of depressing. The past two times they've attempted the surgery, they had shunts in place to help drain the area, but they're afraid that's why he kept getting infected. It's a little scary, but this time they're going to try to let the body drain itself. It was hard to see him like that...

But bottom line, I have to go get some work done now.
Hope you're all enjoying the weekend!

H

We Spoke

Holy Shit!
So much has happened so fast.

I have a lot to tell you guys and I don't really have the energy to do it, but I'll at least try to start...

Yesterday I was in the midst of a crazy stressful day. I had no time to eat, no cash on me (or in the bank, as I'm waiting for a paycheck and a student loan to go through) and loads of work to do. Everything was going along fine until sometime around 6:30 when my entire body was filled with an overwhelming nauseating urge to call Narc. I had just disembarked from the 34th street crosstown bus and was standing on 10th avenue to get the M11 going North.

Don't do it, Hyde! said the little angel on my shoulder.

Why not? demanded the devil. It's not a big deal! In fact, you can just make the call and then push it out of your mind and pretend it never happened!

Just scrap it? I asked the devil, increduoulsy.

Absolutely!

Okay...here it goes!

"Hey Narc, it's Hyde. I'm just calling to say hi. I got your messages on Tuesday night, and so... um, well I thought I'd give you a call back and see how your trip was. Just wanted to see what you're up to. I'm on my way to teach now. I have a crazy schedule this semester--teaching til late on Tuesday and Thursday nights. It sucks. Anyway, I just wanted to return your calls and check in. Hope you're doing okay. Um... alright... Bye."

As soon as I hung up the phone, I felt nervous. Sickeningly nervous!

Forget it Hyde! Just pretend it didn't happen. Put it out of your mind and go to class!

I sent Hammer a text to tell her what I had done. Gonna scrap it! I wrote.

And from there I went to administer a midterm exam.

When I got out of class, I paused to light a cigarette and turn on my cell phone. I had three new messages. Wait.... Could it be? What the fuck??? One of them from Narc?!?!? I breezed through the first message from my mom. The second was from Hammer.

"Hey Hyde! I'm out with Val. Call us!"

Okay, okay...

And then, the message from Narc:

Hey, What's going on? It's me... Trying you back at about, uh, I don't know, 9:00 here on Thursday. Guess you're still in class. Was gonna see if you wanted to pop on down and watch the Apprentice. But you're probably in class a little bit longer. Um... Well... Yeah, I don't know. Give me a call back when you get this. Alright. Bye.

I was flying!!! My heart flipped over and over in my chest and I couldn't breathe. I could feel my pulse racing, my stomach churning and I literally felt my like my feet were lifted off the ground. My face grew hot as my cheeks were flushed. It must seem like I'm dramatizing here, but I'm not. I was that half-crazed by the call. (When I told this part of the story to B, he couldn't believe it. "Over Narc? That asshole!" he exclaimed. Then he called me a "sick fuck." It made me laugh).

Anyway, I had to do something to pull myself back to the ground. NDN was having dinner with his grandpa, Hammer and Val weren't picking up the phone. But I knew exactly who to call at a time like that-- Sunshine!

She was a godsend on the phone. She totally calmed me down and gave me some perspective. It's good to have girl-friends around when you need them! I talked to her for the entire bus ride home, and once off the bus we continued on the phone as I wove through the Second Avenue crowds. (Once you hit Thursday-Saturday, there are always clusters of people clogging up sidewalk traffic, smoking outside bars). We basically agreed that I should get something for dinner, go home, unwind, and clear my head before calling him. We also agreed that I shouldn't go see him that night. Fine. I stopped for Chinese take-out, proceeded back to my place, and got home at around 10:00 pm.

According to plan, I kicked off my shoes, started my dinner and tried to get myself into "stay at home" mode. At about 10:30 or so, I decided to call him back. He didn't pick up until the fourth ring or so. It made me nervous all over again.

"Hey, what's up?" he answered

"Just calling you back," I said.

Now, normally, I would transcribe the entire conversation, but in the interest of time and my own sanity, I'm going to try to cut some corners and just give you the highlights.

When I asked him about his trip, he told me it was "not what he expected."

"Why not? Didn't you have fun?"

"I thought it would be more partying," he sighed. "It was too much running around from one city to the next."

"Were the people cool, at least?"

"Yeah, there were some nice people. A huge group of Australians. I don't know. I just thought it would revitalize me somehow, but it didn't. And I was sick for the whole last leg of the trip."

"Oh no! What went wrong?"

"Pneumonia."

"What? Narc, that's awful! Did you go see a doctor?"

"Yeah. In Amesterdam. I was literally at death's door. I couldn't breathe or anything, but I was trying to ride it out."

He was milking it. He SO wanted me to give him "mothering" and attention.

"Then they gave me some amoxicillan, but it turns out I'm immune to it," he went on. "I was collapsing by the time I got back to NY."

"I can't believe it!" I said, trying to pour pity into my voice. "I hope someone there looked out for you. Are you feeling any better now?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty much better."

"Poor you! And you had to come back to that awful week of rain!"

"I know."

"So, what have you been doing since you've been back?"

"I don't know. Catching up with friends, I guess. I saw CouchSleeper the other night, but not James. His crazy wife won't let him out of the house. She's always pissed at me for something. It's like she won't let him see me specifically. I don't know. I feel like everyone's busy these days."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, people are just not getting back to me. I thought I had all these friends, but then they all just disappear."

"Why is that?"

"I don't know. They're all coupled-up, I guess."

"But still... That shouldn't be a reason for them to neglect you," I said.

"Yeah. I guess I'm just not that important to anyone. I'm not a priority to anyone. Maybe I should just go off in the corner somewhere and shrivel up and die."

(I'm serious--that's just what he said.)

The real Hyde thought to herself: What the fuck? Why are you so self-pitying? You're acting like no one cares about you when all I do is think about you and hope for your happiness and come running whenever you need me, but it doesn't seem to count for anything, does it? Do you not realize how much I care about you? Stop being so pathetic. Get over yourself!

But that's not what I said to him. Instead, I cried out...

"Don't say that, Narc! C'mon! That's awful. And it's not true. You know your friends care about you! People just get busy. Don't say things like that. Maybe you just need to find a way to meet some new people."

"Like how?"

"I don't know... Think outside the box or something."

I told him about the new people I met at that party of singers NDN and I went to last week (I still haven't posted about it here... I'm getting to it!)

"Well, what have you been up to?" he asked.

"Oh, just school, I guess. I have a crazy schedule this semester... teaching three classes and taking two. And I have my choir for three hours on Wednesdays. And then voice lessons twice a week. And therapy. And a variety of family obligations. And then just hanging out with NDN, Hammer and B, and that keeps me pretty booked."

I went on to tell him how much I absolutely LOVE my choir (I do! I do!), how I'm really enjoying my classes, and the new professor at our school seems really cool, how I got a great teaching evaluation, how my voice is getting stronger now that I've cut the coke out of my diet, save for once a month or so.

"So Hammer's back from D.C.? How are she and the Wizard?" he asked.

"Oh... They broke up. But she's good. She was internet dating for a little while there. And she's seeing the Arch now."

He was sad about their breakup. He went on to tell me some story about bumping into a girl on the subway this week-- a girl he had been on an internet-date with two years ago or so. Then he told me about a cool new restaurant that opened in his neighborhood called "Ninja." It's some kind of pricey Japanese place in a cavernous setting where you get served by "ninjas." (Narc is really into the whole Ninja thing). A meal there will run you about $125 a person.

"Well, that won't be happening for me anytime soon," I said. "I'm pretty strapped for cash at the moment. A summer of boozing and taxi-cabs will get you every time!"

"I know, I know!" he laughed. "My lease is coming up pretty soon and I've got to decide whether or not to renew. Oh! Speaking of which, you know the Exhibitionist, right?"

Do I know the Exhibitionist? What kind of fucked up question is that? We've only had, what, two major fights about her?

"Yeah, I remember her."

"Well, she's become a prostitute."

"Wait-- what?!?! You're not serious, right?"

"Dead serious, Hyde. I tried to talk her out of it, but I couldn't."

"I don't get it. Why???"

"She's taking a new apartment in the West Village--Hudson and Charles, I think, and she can't really afford it."

"That's ridiculous," I insisited. "Is she working for an escort service or something?"

"No. Nothing like that. Just CraigsList. She's just meeting guys who want sex and are willing to pay her for it. I think she said she met a married guy from Long Island who wants to fuck her at $500 a pop once a week!"

"Does she realize how dangerous that is?'

"That's what I tried to tell her. Maybe I should stage an intervention or something."

Why were we spending so much time talking about the Exhibitionist? He likes to play games with me.

"I don't know, Narc. That's just sad. I feel bad for her. I hope she's okay, that's all."

"Yeah, me too," he said. "She's got issues, though, I guess."

"But wait-- I thought you said she was a prude."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he said. "She hasn't fucked anyone in like four years or something. Then she slept with some photographer friend of hers this summer and thought that just because he fucked her, he was her boyfriend. He wasn't her boyfriend, you know? She gets delusional about that stuff. So he kind of ignored her and then she got all upset about it..."

"That sucks," I said. "Sad."

Just then, he got a call on his other phone. It was the Exhibitionist. I could hear him through the phone. "And that was it?" he said. "I'll call you back in five minutes." I wondered if he was going to try to get me off the phone. Thankfully, he didn't.

"That was her? What happened?" I asked.

"She was supposed to meet some guy tonight. They had dinner, but then she didn't go through with it."

I wanted to change the subject.

"Well, what about you?" I asked. "How's all your movie stuff coming? I know you said you were going to get started as soon as you got back."

"Oh... that. Well, I haven't really started. It's just-- nothing's what I thought it would be. I've just been feeling really depressed and unmotivated. I don't know what it is. I just can't seem to get going. It's not taking off."

We went on about a few other things, but the entire time, the conversation had a kind of anxious underpinning. There were a few things that no one was saying but that were heavy between us:

• Was he going to apologize for what he did to me the last time I saw him and for the names he called me?
• Was I going to go over there that night.
• Were we going to continue to have sex in general?

Something had to be said. He ventured a try.

"Um... So, I still have your shirt here," he said, tentatively.

"My shirt?"

"Yeah. From the last time you were here. It's hanging in my closet."

"Oh, well, not a big deal," I was as casual as possible. "I replaced that shirt weeks ago!"

"You did?"

"Yeah. It was cheap... From Old Navy. So I just picked up a new one."

He was silent for a long time. I could tell it got to him. Score one for Hyde's dignity! Imaginary trumpets played a fanfare for me!

"Oh. Well, I was going to say you could come pick it up."

Why can't he just come flat out and say he WANTS to see me?

"I'm sure I can, at some point," I said, again, maintaining as casual a tone as could be. "But I don't know about tonight. I've got a lot to do."

"Like what? It's already 11:00."

"Well, just some work. I have a busy weekend ahead. I have speech therapy tomorrow and I'm going to the opera on Saturday with my mom...and then to my sister's niece's birthday party that night. Oh, and on Sunday morning, I'm going to see my brother in the hospital. You remember his accident right?"

"Oh, um, yeah..."

He seemed uncomfortable. I think it's because Narc was in a pretty bad car accident when he was 18 and ended up hospitalized for three months with tons of broken bones. As he tells it, no one came to see him even once. Not even his mother. So I think he feels a tinge of something when I talk about my brother. Plus it was the focal point of our February "break up."

"He just had the skull replacement surgery again," I went on. "Remember, they had to remove that chunk of skull 'cause of the brain swelling? Well, they're trying to replace it. So, I want to go see him."

"What are you in speech therapy for?" he asked.

"Abusing my voice when teaching and stuff. My teacher thinks its impacting my singing. Really, though? I think it's too much late night karaoke."

He laughed. I told him that I have to do strange exercises on "M" words like "milk" and "meat." He laughed at that too, when I gave him an example.

"So basically, I'm busy," I said. "But I'm sure I'll see you sometime soon."

"Oh. Well, okay, then."

"Are you gonna be up late tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah. I've been home moping all day today, and I slept in really late, so I don't expect to be able to get to sleep any time soon. I'll probably be pacing around and watching TV til the wee hours."

"Alright then. Maybe I'll give you a call later if I change my mind, or if I can't sleep."

"Okay."

We hung up the phone. I heard angels singing. :)

Right about then, NDN called and said he was on his way up in the elevator. I ran and cranked out a quickie post in my excitement, and then went to meet him. After I updated him on the whole Narc phone call, Hammer finally called me back. She had some exciting gossip. She was tipsy and hanging out with Val. Val's friend always goes to Bar and Books, one of Narc's favorite late night spots. She got on the phone with me and told me that she's seen Narc there several times. In fact, she had just seen him on Tuesday. She told me that he tried to "steal" her lighter and that the bartender refused to serve him at some point and asked him to leave the bar because he was too drunk.

"What time was that?" I asked.

"Around 2:00 am-ish. And I think he was by himself."

Interesting... So he left Bar and Books and went to the Village Tavern and then called me at 2:30 am or so and left me those stupid messages.

I had a good laugh with the girls about that. Pretty pathetic on Narc's part, right? (Shit! As I just wrote this, I got a small swelling pain in my heart for him. I don't want him to be sad and drinking alone. But there's nothing he will let me do for him.)

Anyway, I was so hyper and in SUCH an amazing mood after all of that, that I was just bouncing around my house in joy, hanging out with NDN. I felt victorious... As LavaLady would say, I had "hand" big time! I had turned down his invitation; I had told him that I wasn't holding out to get my shirt back; and I had him calling me at 9:00 pm while sober. What could be better?!?

Ah, but here's where Hyde becomes master of her own self-destructive universe...

"Wanna go to Cheers and get a drink with me?" I cheerfuly piped to NDN.

"Sure, but I can only stay for one."

And we were off!

The night was just beginning. And for the rest of the story, you'll have to wait. My typing fingers have had their fill of the keyboard for the moment!

Later!

-hyde-

Over Half an Hour!

Just spent over half an hour on the phone with Narc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You'll have to wait for the details because I'm in no mood to blog. And besides, NDN will be here in one minute to get the gossip in person.

I leave you in suspense.

PS: Sunshine--thanks for the support and the emergency phone call! You helped a lot and it was great talking to you tonight! You're the best. :)

-h

Surgery

My stepbrother had his skull-replacement surgery again last night. This is the third time now! I have to call my mom in a little while to find out how it went. I hope it doesn't get reinfected. I'm anxious about the whole thing and will feel much better once I see him on Sunday. If all went well and he heals properly this time, he may be able to actually make brief trips outside of the hospital without all of that head gear.

Would you believe it's been eight months already since the accident?

I hate this...

I have to put it out of my mind right now, though.
Time to head to work.

My Evaluation

Yay for me! I was observed teaching on Tuesday morning, and here's the evaluation. (The senior professor just emailed it to me). Feeling good about things for once. Must get back to work now, though. I'm at the library, still sludging through that crazy work schedule!

I observed Professor Hyde's History 231.18 class on Tuesday, October 19, 2005, at 9:40 am. Professor Hyde began class with attendance, distributing mid-term exam review sheets, and reminders to the students that a review for the exam would be held the following class.

The topic for the day was the Middle Ages in Europe. Professor Hyde identified four themes that she wanted to cover that day: the emergence of Europe, the development of the feudal system, the agricultural revolution, and the consolidation of the power of the Christian Church.

Professor Hyde began with a review of the causes for the break up of the Roman Empire, which then led her into a discussion of the formation of the Frankish Kingdoms, Charlemagne being crowned as Holy Roman Emperor, and the defeat of his successors in the face of 'barbarian' invasions. She noted how the common culture and identity that bound these lands under the Franks helped form the first concept of Europa.

In her discussion of feudalism, Professor Hyde highlighted the greater authority of the nobility, with the decline of central authority, and the mutual dependence and benefit that characterized social and political relationships at this time. For instance, kings and nobles, nobles and vassals, and nobles and the peasantry were all bound together for specific reasons, which she ably discussed.

Professor Hyde then moved on to a discussion of the agricultural revolution, and noted how a variety of innovations allowed Europe to move beyond a society of subsistence agriculture. She carefully explained these innovations, specifically, the three field system, the use of water and wind mills, developments in animal breeding, and the use of new tools.

Professor Hyde finished her class with a discussion of the consolidation of the power of the Christian Church. She first reviewed the birth of Christianity, the quest for orthodoxy, and the organization of the Church through its bishops, with the Pope being the head of the Church. She then detailed how the Church consolidated its power through the Crusades, acting as the mobilizing agent of European forces to help the Byzantine Empire resist Turkish Muslim encroachment into Jerusalem.

Professor Hyde ended her class with requests for questions and further reminders for the review that was scheduled for the next class.

My overall impression of the class is a very positive one. It was well organized and covered a great deal of information clearly. Professor Hyde's use of the blackboard was frequent and effective. Most importantly, she frequently interjected her lectures with questions to the class regarding a particular point she wanted to emphasize. Answers were often forthcoming from the students, and when the class fell silent, Professor Hyde deftly coaxed the information she needed from the group, and then proceeded with her material.

The details...

Okay, okay... So I know you guys can't stand him, but I'm still glad that he called! I'm also glad that his messages finally sound kind of pathetic to me. I think that means I'm making progress. Drunken Narc demanding my presence isn't a big enough draw anymore. He'll have to make a sober effort one of these days. But still... But still! He called, so yay!

Call #1 (on my cell phone) 2:25 am:
Hey Hyde, it's Narc... I'm at 7th and Bedford. I don't really have anything profound to say. I just thought... I don't know. I thought I'd try you. Alright, this is stupid. Um... (laughs) 7th and Bedford. Hope you can make it. Alright. Bye.

Call #2 (on my home phone) 2:36 am :
Hey Hyde, here's your house message. Anyway, I'm at 7th and Bedford. At a place called The Village Tavern. Um, shit... I don't know what to say. I miss you. I miss you. You know I do. You know that I um... That... Um... Well, fuck it. I mean, I'm sure that... Well... Um... Fuck You and all that crap. Anyway, I don't have much left on my um... on my um... Bedford and uh... Well... I don't have much left on my house phone. So who knows what's going to happen. I don't know. Bye.

Call #3 (on my cell phone) 3:14 am:
Hello, Hyde. You're a wanker. (laughs). I'm at my usual address. You're a wanker. Anyway, here I am. Bye.

Call #4 (on my cell phone) 3:16 am:
Hyde, call me back. Bye. (long pause). Call me back, God damn it! Bye.

Old Habits...

Narc just called me twice and woke me-- once on my cell phone, once on my home phone. And guess what, guys? I didn't pick up! But I'm so unsettled right now. He was drunk and relatively incoherent. (Surprise, surprise!) Oh, and I think there was an "I miss you" thrown in there for good measure. I'll give a full transcription in the morning. As for now, I'm off to get some water and to get back into bed where I'll let all of this gnaw at my stomach for a few more hours.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. And I'm way too tired to figure it out.

-h

Paradise Lost

...Sooooooooooo tired........

Oh well. There will be no reprieve until much later in the week. Of course, it doesn't help me much that I continually command my body and brain to run (at a pretty high level) on only 5 hours of sleep.

Yesterday, in between reading everything else that I had to read, I carried a copy of Paradise Lost and flipped through it whenever I got the chance. I don't know why I was craving it yesterday, but I just was. Kind of an odd craving to get, don't you think?

I had sort of forgotten how magnificent that poem is-- how enormous the figure of Satan, and how bitter. This images are marvelous.

He lights- if it were land that ever burned
With solid as the lake with liquid fire... (Book I, 229-230)

And Satan wonders why God allowed him to remain strong.

What can it then avail, though yet we feel
Strength undiminished or eternal being,
To undergo eternal punishment?
(Book I, 153-155)

But one of my absolute favorite parts has always been when Adam decides to taste the forbidden fruit. It's perfect (although it clearly places ALL of the stupidity of sin on women!). He knows it's wrong; Eve has not convinced him otherwise; But he decides to eat anyway, because he would rather go with her into whatever kind of darkness she will be cast, than to let her face her fate alone.

However, I with thee have fixed my lot
Certain to undergo like doom. If death
Consort with thee death is to me as life
So forcible within my heart I feel
The bond of nature draw me to my own
My own in thee, for what thou art is mine.
Our state cannot be severed. We are one.
One flesh: to lose thee were to lose myself.
(Book IX, 952-959)

It's rather morbid, but I can't help but think of the many accounts I've by now read for my Holocaust class in which individual members of a family passed up the opportunity to be saved, marching into hell in order to stay with their loved ones and not abandon them.

Human beings are amazing creatures.

Anyway, that's all I have time for now. I'm off to start my crazy day...

-h-

By the way, the illustration is by Edward Burney

Work! Work! Work!

I have so much work that I feel like I'm going to scream. I don't know why I didn't realize this before. Or why I spent my entire week off in drunken contemplation or prayerful contemplation of my personal problems instead of actually being productive. Yuck!

In the next week alone, here's what I have to do:

School Work:

• Read the rough equivalent of four-five books
• Finish a 4 page essay that for some reason, I'm having major writer's-block on
• Write three short book review essays
• Give a presentation in my Italian History class
• Write a "pedagogy" paper for my Holocaust class
• And of course, attend my two classes

Teaching:

• Put in about 10-12 classroom/office hours
• Write two midterm exams and get the hundreds of photocopies made in a timely fashion
• Grade all those exams (about 120 of them. Ughh!)
• Prepare for my teaching observation tomorrow
• Write a paper assignment for my History 231 class
• Go over and sign off on student evaluations from last semester and hand them to the department chair

Other:

• I have a three hour chorus rehearsal tonight
• I have two voice lessons scheduled this week
• One regular therapy session
• One speech therapy session
• I have tickets to the opera with my mom on Saturday (Aida, for those who are curious)
• BigSis' niece's birthday party on Long Island on Saturday evening (Do I have to go to this?)
• Grocery shopping!!!
• Cleaning my house (the never ending process)

I think I'm going to go have a heart attack now. Or maybe do some work...

The Elevator Incident and the Narc Text

Since Flash expressed disbelief that I never mentioned the "Lesbian elevator incident," I decided to spit out a brief post to fill you guys in:

A while back I was hanging out with Oc and a bunch of his friends in Brooklyn, drinking and smoking up on the rooftop of his building until the early hours of the morning. (I posted about it back on July 11th.) Anyway, I got wasted that night and don't remember all that much about it, but at the end of the night, his roommate's lesbian girlfriend walked me out of the building to get a cab. In the elevator on the way down, she tried to kiss me. That's it. No big deal, right? I don't really remember it, but I suppose that I was so falling down drunk that I kind of kissed her back. I told NDN about it the next day and we laughed it off.

Then, in early September, I was hanging out with NDN and Oc and when Oc was a little drunk, he brought it up. According to him, his roommate's girlfriend said that I came on to her! I was more than a little pissed off. Why would she say something like that??? NDN speculates that it was because she was afraid I would report her advances back to NDN or Oc and that it would get to her girlfriend. I mean, obviously I'm not a lesbian and am not in the habit of coming on to girls, drunk or otherwise. It bothered me that for months Oc had been thinking that I came on to his roommate's girlfriend! Mostly because I just don't come on to people who are in committed relationships!

I don't know why I didn't mention it here... But it reminds me of a conversation I had with B today. He was laughing at me today because I casually mentioned something to him about the "Candy" story, and he had no idea what I was talking about.

"Wait! What happened?" he demanded.

I repeated the whole story for him.

"Hyde! Why didn't you tell me about this yesterday? Or the day before?"

"I don't know... It wasn't a big deal, I guess."

"If that happened to me, it would be my story of the year!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah. I guess... Maybe that's a sign that things are getting warped in my life," I suggested. "There are just too many messed up nights to keep track of."

In other news, I've been feeling run down all day today after last night's debauchery, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter one bit because I'm in an excellent mood! Why? The Narc text! Call him what you want (and yes, you guys have called him a lot of things!),* BUT I am sooooooooooooooooooo happy he sent me that text last night! Why? Because now he's shown weakness and he can no longer script this whole thing in the way that he wants to.

What was Narc's script, you may ask?

• Narc tells Hyde she's bad for him, she's a whore, she's pathetic, etc.
• Narc goes off to Europe for a month
• Narc has fabulous experiences and comes back a changed man
• Narc's life is miraculously improved upon his return, he becomes a famous movie director, finds a perfect girlfriend to save him from his inability to love and his own obvious issues with alcohol, and so on and so forth
• Hyde continues to pine for Narc so that he can call her if (and only if) he needs her, but can write her off in his own mind as being pathetic and overly needy of him, an unhealthy influence, etc.

Up until this point, I couldn't prove that his script was anything other than true. Why not?

• He did tell me I'm bad for him, etc.
• He did go off to Europe
• He may very well have had fabulous experiences and come back a changed man
• His life may very well have miraculously improved in the ways mentioned above
• I did continue to pine for him, and let him know it, writing him a text last Saturday, Tuesday, and Thursday (each of the nights I went out drinking), sending him a clear message that I haven't changed.

But guess what? Now I have evidence that he hasn't changed either! YAY!

• Obviously he hasn't come back a changed man (his habits surely haven't changed!)
• Obviously his life is not fabulous and fixed
• And obviously he's still drinking too much and thinking about me too.

The end! So, there!

So, while I'm not going to call him, I am happy about his slip up. Right now, I bet he's pissed at himself for having texted me, but all the while, smug in his certainty that I'm going to take the bait and offer myself to him again and again and again. I can't wait. When he doesn't hear from me, I know it's going to make him nervous.

Good.

Maybe I shouldn't care, but you all know I still do, so there's no use in pretending that I don't.

In other news, I did drink on Saturday night. :( But that doesn't mean I've given up my resolve to change my ways. I just shouldn't have gone to that party if I was serious about quitting. It's clear that I'm not ready to hold my own and abstain in a party environment. That said, it was a very interesting party and I have to tell you guys all about it. I also have to tell you about the spaghetti-fueled marijuana drenched late-night evening I shared with NDN. Good times...

But I don't have the energy for all that right now.

So, more later...

h

*A small sampling of Narc-nomers from the comments of my dear readers:
Narc is a...

lil' dick
a cock
someone who makes Flash's "blood boil," (and who makes him "madder than, erm , a very mad thing")
a bastard
a shitty man
an infantile little twat (I happen to think this one is the most right on!)
a prick
a cold heartless bastard
a major cock-sucking trampwanking twat (I think we all know that's from Charby!)
insecure and immature
a twat
someone without "any redeeming relationship qualities in him"
crazy
a total wanker
one of the biggest assholes/wastes of time ever
obviously a jerk
a twat and a wanker
a fucking asshole
narc = baaaaaad
an ass
a cuntwhore (Charby again!)
a scary SOB
parasitic
a cunt
and a top class tosser!

You guys have a dirty vocabulary!

I'm Going To Church

I'm going to Church this morning, and God knows, I need it.

NDN and I had our first fight ever last night! I'll detail it later.

5:06 am text received from Narc. He wrote:

Back.

Asshole...

Yom Kippur, Naked Candy and B

Tuesday night I went out to Cheers. It was the night I was supposed to hang out with NDN but stood him up. I met a guy there-- another guy who lives in our building. He lives on the third floor-- the same floor as Druggie! I also met a bunch of people who told me they just graduated from Cornell.

"Really!" I exclaimed, "I know someone who just graduated from Cornell!"

"Who?"

"My neighbor's sister!"

"What's her name?"

"Um... I don't know."

Okay. I guess I really don't know someone who just graduated from Cornell.

Anyway, that was one night of debauchery too many ago to remember much more about it. Nothing really noteworthy happened.

On Wednesday, I was all set for Yom Kippur. Hammer invited me to a "pre-fasting" dinner at her place before going to synagogue with her and NDN. It was great. She made us chicken and rice and spinach, and said a prayer over the wine and bread, and served apples with honey "for a sweet New Year," as she put it.

I normally don't go to services at all, but this year was different. I was raised with very little religion, with one Catholic parent and one Jewish. As such, we always celebrated all of the holidays "commercially "--Christmas trees and menorahs, Passover dinners and Easter eggs, but no church and no synagogue and no theology. When I was around 12 I tried to learn more about Judaism and went to Hebrew school for a year and a half. I think it's because my dad passed away when I was 11, and I ended up very lost. I was desperately seeking some sort of grounding and connectivity. Years later, all through my relationship with B, I spent a lot of time in church, as he is a semi-regular church-goer and used to sing in a church choir every Sunday. First it was always the Catholic church for him, but he has recently become an Episcopalian and I somtimes still go with him on Sundays. My stepfather is also Catholic and we still have those holidays with his family. Anyway, that's my "religious background" in a nutshell. Last fall, Hammer took me to Friday night services at a synagogue here in the city and I absolutely loved it. Since then, I've gone back a few times with her and once with NDN. So this year, I decided to join and actually mark the holidays with some meaningful introspection and prayer. NDN and I went together for Rosh Hashanah, and Hammer, NDN and I went for Yom Kippur.

The service was truly beautiful. Maybe I'll write more about that in a future post. Afterwards, the three of us set out into the rain to get a cab. Hammer came back to our building and the three of us caught up on NDN's trip to Amsterdam. He showed us pictures, I gave Hammer a manicure, and NDN showed us all of his little souvenirs (including some mushroom tea, a cool pipe, cheese, Jesus and Moses figurines, a t-shirt, a set of "dirty" playing cards, duty-free cigarettes for me, and some porn-DVD's, one with me in mind in particular. I'll spare you the details on that particular video, but let's just say that NDN knows a little too much about me!) After Hammer went home, NDN and I talked for a while more and then I crashed to sleep. I was wiped out!

Thursday morning I woke up early with the intent on getting to synagogue by 9:00 am for the start of morning services. I was a few minutes late, but I have to say-- the service was incredible. I'm so glad I went. Hammer met me there at around 11:00, breaking briefly to get some new boots. ;) That service ended at around 2:30. While I had originally planned on going to the evening service as well, it didn't work out that way. I was hungry; it was raining; and I didn't want to be late for my mom's "break-the-fast" dinner. So instead, I decided to head to Long Island early, to help my mom prepare. I said goodbye to Hammer, headed to Penn Station and arrived at my mom's place at around 4:30. BigSis picked me up at the train.

When I walked into the house, I was assaulted by the delicious smells, all made even more irresistible by my hunger. My mom was cooking up a storm! I managed to resist, though, and even helped my mom make the salad without stealing any bites. Since my family is not religious, no one else had gone to temple. Most people didn't even fast, except me, my mom and BigSis. In fact, out of the fifteen people who showed up to break the fast, only seven were Jewish. Who were the guests? Me, BigSis and Bro-in-Law, LilSis and JBC, my parents, my mom's friend Prissy, Bro-in-Law's parents, my mom's sis and her husband, their daughter and her boyfriend, and of course--my grandpa.

I had a really great time with my family. It felt good to be home... relaxed and free, which is unusual for me. I don't know why. I think going to services had something to do with it. I was just in a different "space" in my head than usual, if that makes any sense... Anyway, I got back to the city at around 11:00 that night, after talking to both Hammer and NDN on the train. The rain was still coming down hard.

But then, as you all know, instead of coming straight home, I stopped in at Cheers. Why? I really don't know. I think something inside of me is resistant to the idea of getting my life together. Some impulse doesn't want me to let go of of that "Hyde-ish" life-- the life of Narc, of Cheers, and all of that.

The highlight of the night had to be strange Candy and her nudity, but before that, there were a few interesting moments as well. I saw the guy from the third floor, the same one I had met on Tuesday night. He came over to say hello to me. I didn't remember much of our conversation from Tuesday, so I asked him (again) where he lives.

"In your building! I told you that!" he said.

"Oh. I sometimes forget things," I smiled. But it was embarrassing.

"Yeah, we had a whole talk!" he said. "I still have that book that you recommended to me written down on a napkin in my briefcase."

"What book?"

"I don't remember the name, but you said it was a classic!"

He looked in his briefcase, but couldn't find the napkin. I wonder what book it was... I asked him if he knows Druggie and his brother and he told me that he's seen them around but isn't friends with them. I told him the story of when I met Druggie, and invited him to a party at my place. That night, after I had passed out (from a combination of alcohol and marijuana), Druggie went crazy and started talking to himself and spitting on the floor and poured out a bottle of wine of the floor. VJ had to try to get him home and he gave her a really hard time. Another time I was with Druggie, he cracked open a sleeping pill I gave him and drank the gel out of the inside and then puked all over my floor. Then of course, there are the strange advances he's made, like leaving a DVD copy of Beloved under my door, or asking me flat out if I "wanted to have sex." There's too much to detail here, and too much to have told the new guy, but I did have a few good stories to tell... I also asked him if he knew the FourthFloorGirls, but he said no.

Later, KHill came around and talked to me for a while. That guy always smiles at me when he's sober, but even more so when he's drunk. When he's drunk, he loves me. That night, he waved and pointed at me, sending me "shout outs" while drunkenly singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Mildly amusing.

Knowing that FightingMensch's birthday was coming up (it's actually today), I told BarMan to get him a drink on me. After that, FightingMensch came over and bought shots for me, PalmGuy, Candy (who was sitting at a bar-stool near me) and PalmGuy's friend. He said that he had just won $500 in the football pool, and he wanted to blow it all on booze that very night. He told me that his girlfriend is moving out. I wonder if that means we're going to be seeing more of him around Cheers again. (Wait... I shouldn't say that. Didn't I make a declaration yesterday that I quit drinking? So I guess they'll be seeing less of me!)

Once I started doing shots, I knew it was going to be a crazy night. I wanted more. And more. And more! I started buying shots for myself, and then I offered some to Candy. She accepted and bought me some in return. I have no idea how much I drank. But it was a lot. We were both pounding them down. My bill came to $100 or something like that (at about $6 per drink!). We had that strange sex-conversation in which she asked me if I wanted to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend. Somehow it came up, and I told her that I like "rough" sex, and then she told me that she wasn't into it being "rough" because she had been the victim of sexual violence.

"In fact," she told me, "that's why I started to date girls. And I only dated girls for quite a few years. I'm seeing a guy now, but I'm still into girls."

"Oh, okay," I said.

I don't remember if the bar was closing or if we just decided to leave, but in any event, I invited her back to my place to smoke weed on the roof. Of course, I didn't have any, but rather, NDN was supposed to pick up a fresh batch for me. So I called him and asked him to leave it out in the hall (as I explained in a previous post). I don't know how I thought we were going to hang out on the roof, since it was still raining like crazy. So we ended up in my apartment. And like I said, she took off all her clothes (minus her panties) and stretched out on my bed. I opted to stay standing near my dresser, smoking and cutting up lines. I sucked up as much coke as I could manage to scrape together from the bottom of old bags. Like I said-- I'm out of the stuff and don't plan to buy more.

Anyway, I didn't want to sit on the bed and give her the wrong idea. She told me that she's into Wicca and I told her that I don't know that much about it, but that I'm into crystals. I showed her my amethyst (the infamous amethyst I've lost and found a million times-- the one that Narc once tried to keep from me). She suggested that we "clear" the stone by passing it through a flame. I lit a candle in my room and she did some kind of strange ceremony (nearly naked all the while). For most of the time, she just tried to arrange herself into sexy poses. I didn't know how to react, so I ignored the fact, and just talked to her.

I don't remember all that much else about the night, except that she told me she's taking of for L.A. for vacation, but that she wants to have dinner with me when she gets back. I don't know about that. Hyde always starts to forge relationships that Jekyll does not want to maintain. Anyway, she headed home around 6:00 am but I was so wound up that I didn't know what to do with myself. You don't know how badly I wanted to call Narc! But it was totally situational. It's just the kind of instance in which I would have called Narc, or the kind of instance in which he would have called me. I need to stop getting myself into those "triggering" moments!

I resisted the call to Narc, and instead checked the blogs, wrote those posts and paced around my apartment, occasionally checking my glassy-eyed, red-rimmed, wild-haired reflection in the mirror. I was way too wired to sleep. (Then I saw that attempted Narc-text on my cell-phone. Whatever...) I forced my head to the pillow at around 8:30 am, only to be awakened by a ringing phone an hour and a half later. It was my mom. Mumbling through the conversation, I tried to close my eyes again, but to no avail. So, I decided to get up and get dressed. I felt fucked up beyond belief, but there was nothing to do except to give my body time to process it out. I drank a red bull, combed my hair, pulled on my hooded sweatshirt and took off for the school where I work to pick up a paycheck and drop off some paperwork.

I stopped off in my office, cold and shivering from the pounding rain, lack of sleep and cocaine. I forced myself to eat a bagel and checked my email. NDN wrote to me:

Hmm, naked girl on your couch trying to seduce you. Lesbian shoves her tongue down your throat in an elevator. Are you giving off some vibe or do girls just seem to find you irresistible through no fault of your own? Are you that good and if so teach me your secret with girls...share with your Co-President.

(I don't think I ever blogged about the Lesbian in the elevator incident, but that was back in July).

Anyway, his email made me laugh, and significantly improved my mood for the day. After that, I headed to the bank and then to a speech therapy appointment at 1:00 at Columbus Circle. (Why am I in speech therapy, you ask? My voice teacher thought it would be a good idea, since I teach lecture classes. He thinks I'm abusing my voice by placing the pitch too low and tightening when I project in the classroom).

After the speech-therapist, I met B in the bookstore inside the Time Warner building. He is such a sweetheart. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled that I was really nervous about (a particularly painful procedure that I don't want to go into here), but he volunteered to take me. I popped two codeine hoping to offset the pain, and told him about my plans to quit drinking. So now I was coming down off the coke, numbed by the codeine and shivering from the rain. It sucked. The afternoon only got worse, as the pain from the procedure was so much worse than expected, and I left the doctor slightly traumatized. (As B put it-- "you look like a kitten that's just been given a bath!") Anyway, he cancelled his plans with friends and took me home, bringing me some wonton soup and settling in on the couch with me to watch some TV until I felt better. Soon enough, I drifted off to sleep, and when I woke up, it was 8:00 pm. B told me he had to get going, and kissed me goodbye.

I stayed awake for another hour or so, limping to the deli to get some tea, and then stumbled home, quickly falling back asleep. I slept on the living room couch last night. It was nice and cozy in a strange way. Even though I was in some serious pain, when I woke up in the middle of the night, it felt warm and a little bit sneaky-- like I was having a sleep-over with someone or something. My cat lay curled up nearby.

This morning I woke up after nearly 12 hours of sleep. Nice! B called me and asked if I wanted to have lunch. I agreed and we ate in a nearby diner. After that, I did some errands, came home and made some dinner. Tonight I've got a party to go to on the West Side. I'm a little nervous, because I did decide to stop drinking, and a party is going to be impossibly hard, but I'm not planning on staying for long. NDN is coming with me and then we're going to come back to our building, watch the Family Guy DVD and smoke some marijuana. (No, I haven't given up all of my vices!)

I'll let you know how it all goes...

Hope you all have fun plans for the night!

-h-