Uneasy Street

There's only one way to describe how I'm feeling today, and that's "uneasy."

Yesterday proceeded along normally enough. I taught in the morning, followed by a strong voice lesson during which my voice teacher told me he wants to work on developing some of the bel canto stuff. He said that he'll get a gun and shoot me if I get sick again, as we've lost so much time to my poor health and utter exhaustion over the past year and a half.

On the bus ride home I spoke to Hammer who was stuck in the Phoenix airport, her flight back to NY delayed. Then I talked to VJ with whom I hadn't spoken in quite some time. We had a lot to catch up on. Then I came home and watched crap TV.

But despite being surrounded by conversation with my friends, as the afternoon wore on and faded to evening, I began to get depressed. I was anxious, unsettled, uneasy-- utterly depressed with no idea why. I thought it might help to cook something. (Physical, tangible creation always seems to lift my spirits.) I ran out to the market for supplies (as my cupboards are perpetually bare) and returned to cook chicken cutlets and garlic mashed potatoes. (I think my fingers STILL smell like garlic from all of the peeling!) It took a long time for everything to cook and I couldn't wait to eat. I nibbled on the chicken before the potatoes were done, had two forkfuls of the potatoes when they were ready to eat and was basically done with my dinner after that. It sat there looking beautiful, but I never sat down to eat any more of it and I started to feel lonely. I wanted to share it with someone, but there was no one to be had.

Then I got a text from Narc:
In midtown tonight for a screenwriters meeting. Ack. Should have brought your present along. Out later?

I replied:
Maybe. I'm home now. Just cooked dinner. "24," 9:00-10:00. Then may stop by Cheers. What's your time frame?

I didn't hear back from him.

9:00 pm. Time to watch 24, but I was depressed to sit down and watch it alone. I had originally planned on watching with Hammer, but due to her flight delay, she wouldn't be back in time. I called B. He told me his girlfriend was busy, so we could talk on the phone during the commercials. As you all know, 24 is kind of a sensitive issue for me and B. And I think I'm hormonal or something right now, because I was getting so weepy. I felt so terribly lonely. Lonely, but why? Nothing in particular was wrong.

Anyway, 24 was a kick-ass episode and B and I laughed all along the way.

"Yay, B! We have to watch at least one episode this season together before it's over!" I exclaimed.

He paused.

"Um... I don't know, H. I guess we can watch one if it's recorded..."

"Recorded? What? Why?!?!"

He didn't answer. So I didn't say anything either. I felt stabbing pains of anger and sadness searing through my heart. I felt as if I opened my mouth at all I would be spiting flames of fire that would melt the phone in my hand then and there. I tried to calm my breathing and I waited for the worst to pass.

"H? Are you there?"

"Yeah. I'm here. I just think you're unbelievable, that's all."

"Why?"

"Because! Last season we watched EVERY single episode together and you slept at my place once a week. Now you're telling me that you can't take ONE hour out of ONE Monday to watch a TV show with a friend when this is something that we've done together for the past five years? Jesus!"

"Okay, H... You're right. You're right. I'm never sure where I'm supposed to be drawing the lines, that's all."

"Fine," I said with a huff. But I didn't feel fine.

We spoke for a few more minutes, but I was left feeling soured and frustrated and powerless and again lonely. I wondered if Narc would call me and if so, when. I know he hates my house when it's messy so in case he would come over, I picked myself up and started straightening up the house. I took out the garbage, made my bed (and sprayed it with lavendar), cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, straightened the living room, and waited. I fixed my hair, reapplied my makeup, put my earrings back on and waited. Still no word. Maybe he had gone home. I didn't want to text him to find out. Should I go to Cheers? I didn't really feel like it. I was crazy-tired. But at the same time, I had just spruced up, and didn't want to put my pajamas on and take off my makeup either. So I flopped onto my bed and watched some more TV. And I waited.

At about 11:30, the phone rang. He said he was nearby and asked if I wanted to meet him out at a bar.

"St. Andrews?" he asked.

"I don't know... I'm not really in drinking-mode tonight," I said. "But you're welcome to come here."

He agreed. And so I waited for him to arrive.

Last night was a very strange night. The strangest part of all-- Narc didn't want to have sex with me. And he didn't want to have sex this morning either. I feel uncomfortable and rejected. I mean, I really don't quite know what to think or how to feel right now. Sex has always been the basis of our relationship. I haven't seen him since Wednesday night. No sex? What was going on? But I'll get to all of that...

I offered him a drink and he asked for a Jack on the rocks. The only ice I had was the kind that comes in big plastic bags. I had bought it for my party back in December. Now, it was all globbed together in the freezer and nearly impossible to break apart. I put a bag in the sink and started stabbing at it with a fork. Flecks of water were flying in my eyes and I could hardly hear him over the din. I hammered at that ice with all of my might. My arms and shoulders were sore, but I managed to make him a decent drink.

"Aren't you going to have any?" he asked.

"No. Not Jack, at least. Maybe something softer."

I surveyed my liquor shelf and pulled off a bottle of Beaujolais.

Whenever we hang out and drink at my house, Narc always sits on the barstool at my kitchen counter and I always hang out in the kitchen, leaning on the opposite side of the counter, facing him as if I'm the bartender. We stayed like that, sporadically smoking cigarettes and talking for hours, as he polished off half of my Jack and I finished the entire bottle of wine.

In the course of the conversation, Narc started to bring up his oft-repeated notion that all women in New York are willing to "settle" for men they don't love as long as the men are handsome and rich. I take offense to that idea, and don't believe it to be true.

"If that's your experience, Narc, it must be the women you're hanging out with," I said.

He acknowledged that both the Exhibitionist and PopStarChick are like that.

"I'm not surprised," I said. "And if you choose girls who are materialistic, that's your choice," I repeated. "It doesn't have to be like that. I'm not like that, nor are any of my friends."

He laughed at me. "If every girl in NY were like you, Hyde, it would be a paradise on Earth!"

I rolled my eyes at him but smiled inside. I couldn't tell if he were being serious or facetious. This launched an enormous conversation about dating in the city and what it's like to be single and the different pressures for men and women.

"You're lucky that you're so open," he said. "And that you attract so many people."

I was shocked to hear him say something like that.

"You think I'm open?!?! Really? I think I'm totally guarded and untrusting of others."

"You might hold back a piece of yourself, Hyde, but you give off really good vibes. I've been to so many bars with you and watched night after night guys hitting on you and trying to pick you up. You give off an energy that's so warm and accepting. People want to be near you-- to talk to you. Me, on the other hand, I know I give off a vibe that's cold and confrontational."

I nodded. He does.

Further into the conversation, we were talking about "chemistry" and I said something about how I always end up with guys having crushes on me-- guys who want to "save me" from myself... sweet, nice guys, but I'm always attracted to the bad boys who need "saving" themselves.

He laughed at how stereotypical I am. (Maybe he's right.)

Then, somehow, we got onto the topic of TT. I think he was saying that some girls put their "heads" ahead of their "hearts," and I said I could understand why.

"Sometimes there's a need for that," I said.

I made the analogy of me trying to get my head into this thing with TT. I don't know why I did this. Maybe it's because I was tipsy; maybe it's because I'm hormonal; maybe it's because I'm ready to face reality and move on in whatever small steps I can; but I told him that I had been dating someone else for the past few weeks.

"What?" He looked at me coldly and there was tension in the air. I know it cut him. It cut right through him. "Is it the lasagna guy?"

"Yeah, that's him..." I said, looking down.

There was a moment of silence, and then--

"Hyde, that's great!" He smiled broadly. I kept my eyes lowered. "Aren't you happy about this?" he asked.

"Um, no... Not really. More confused than anything."

I briefly recounted how I had met TT. I told him how persistently TT has been pursuing me.

"That's a great opportunity, Hyde," he said. "How often are people pursued like that? I've been in NY for six years and no one has come after me and been into me like that!"

I should have figured this would turn into a Narc-victimization thing. And how can he say such a thing to ME when he knows I love him!

I told him how difficult it had been for me on my date last Monday.

"I don't even know why I'm saying all this Narc..." I could feel the tears creeping into my eyes. They were already in my voice. And my cheeks were flushed.

"No! Say it!"

I was silent.

"Say it! Say what you have to say, H!"

"Well, I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you wanted to hear." I peered up at him, gauging his reaction.

He smirked at me and shifted uncomfortably. "Why not?" he laughed. "I mean, you can, you know..."

"I didn't want to, Narc. I couldn't. I mean, it's just hard for me to--"

"For you to what?"

"For me to sleep with someone when I'm in love with someone else." Now I was just blurting things out. I spoke faster and faster. "It felt weird to me Narc! Weird when he kissed me. I can't do it. I felt out of my body... betraying myself. I felt split up."

"I don't understand what the problem is here, Hyde," he said, looking at me blankly.

"The problem? Of course you know the problem, Narc!"

"No. I really don't. Lay it out for me."

"Narc! Of course you do. It's been the same for over a year. So, don't make me say it."

Don't make me tell you that I love you when it will humiliate me!

I couldn't look him in the eye and I felt a choke rising up to my throat.

"I just hope I don't have you in a bind," he said.

It was a strange thing that he said-- a strange tone in his voice.

I sighed.

"You don't have me in a bind. I have me in a bind."

"But, Hyde... You know that you and I are not going anywhere."

"Yes, I know." I felt weary.

"You know that we're not going to be a couple."

"Yes, Narc. You've made that abundantly clear."

"And you know that I can't... I'm all in monk-mode. Writer-mode."

Is this what Narc is like as a monk? I'd like to see him when he's NOT in monk-mode!

"Let's just forget it Narc," I said, taking a deep breath and wiping a tear from my cheek. "I don't want to talk about it. So... Fine. I hear you. We're not a couple; I should be in love with this new guy, sleep with the new guy. Fine. But I can't right now."

And then I started to cry. I hated this whole conversation. It's as if he isn't liable for anything. He just wanted to terminate any emotional responsibility he might have for the situation. It was nearly 3:00 am and I was exhausted.

"I think it's time for bed," I said.

"But, Hyde, you should talk about these things. I mean, there's no reason not to."

There are plenty of reasons not to.

Narc was upset. I could see it. He was alone, I was pursued by someone new. He was the victim. I was abandoning him. No one has ever loved him right? No one ever... I don't count.

I wished I hadn't said anything. Why the fuck did I open my big mouth?!?!

I walked around to his side of the counter and sat down on the stool next to him.

"Can I have a hug?" I asked.

"Of course."

I buried my head in his neck, burrowing it there. He held me tight and then suddenly, limply let go. Without a word, I walked away, into the bathroom to brush my teeth. My tongue was stained purple from the wine. He was smoking another cigarette and had poured himself another Jack Daniels.

"Narc, I mean it. I have to go to bed. I have to be up at 8:00 am."

"I have to be up then too," he said. "I want to write tomorrow."

I finally got him into the bedroom. He stripped down except for his underwear. I was taken aback (and still am). He has never slept with any clothing on with me before. NEVER, EVER. NEVER, EVER, EVER!!! What was the meaning of this? I followed his lead and kept my panties on too. But I was spinning in my head. I snuggled up next to him and tried to kiss him. He kissed me back, but not for long. I was really confused about what was going on. This was not normal-Narc behavior. I went to kiss him again, and this time he stopped me.

"Can't we just lay here together?" he asked, pulling me in tightly. "I just want to lay next to you right now. That's all."

"Okay," I whispered.

I felt my body stiffening. I was uneasy and kept shifting around.

"Shhh... shhh..." he tried to soothe me. "Just go to sleep."

Eventually I did.

I woke up this morning, my eyelids warmed by the streaming sun, the alarm irritating my ear. I always sleep with the blinds wide open because in the dark, I'd never get myself up! I had to be out of the house by 9:00 or 9:10 at the latest, so I figured I'd let Narc sleep until the last possible minute. I made myself up, checked my email, got dressed and crawled back into bed to wake him. But he wasn't about to budge.

"Narc, c'mon. I really need to go."

"Urgmmm..." he groaned.

I turned on the television-- first to NY1 and then to the Tyra Banks Show. She had some prostitute on talking about life as both a legal-prostitute and mother.

"Who is that? The Exhibitionist?" he mumbled.

I laughed.

"What time is it, Hyde?"

"9:07."

"Oh, I have five more minutes!"

"No, you really don't, Narc. I'm going to be late for my therapy appointment."

"Can't you just go and leave me here and when you come back we'll figure out what to do about food?"

I really didn't want to do that. I paused and thought.

"I don't know, Narc. You're just going to stay here asleep?"

"Yes."

"You'll be sleeping the whole time?"

"Yes."

"NO going on my computer, alright?"

"What? No!"

"Seriously-- you promise? NO COMPUTER."

"Hyde! I have NO interest in your computer or your blogging life."

"Yeah, well, that's what you said last time," I mumbled.

"I won't go on your computer. I'm just going to sleep."

"Well, then... okay."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek and set off for therapy.

In the elevator I bumped into 10thFloorGirl-- the same girl I had seen at Cheers last Thursday night. We started chatting.

"Which direction are you headed?" she asked.

"Up Second."

"Me too! Let's walk together."

I told her I was on my way to therapy and we talked a bit about the trouble with boys and then about singing. She's also an opera singer, although I've never heard her sing. She's working in psych-research right now, which was kind of interesting. The wind was whipping against my cheeks as we walked, causing my eyes to water. It was such a blustery day that I was sure my tears would freeze right onto my cheeks! I tried to keep my neck, nose and throat covered as per my voice teacher's instruction. (Remember-- he's going to take a gun to me if I get sick again!) Finally, 10thFloorGirl and I parted ways and I continued on to therapy.

I got back home at around 10:45 am. Narc was still in bed.

"How was therapy," he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

"Therapeutic," I laughed, taking off my clothes and climbing into bed next to him.

"Any insights? Any revelations?"

"Just that I'm crazy," I said.

And with that he pulled me in towards his chest and went back to sleep.

I managed to grab the remote from his other side and flick on the TV while he snored in my ear. I watched some Dr. Phil and then some of the back episodes of Flavor of Love- those that I hadn't seen yet. I could see our reflection int he mirror-- Narc's arm wrapped around me. I liked to see it there. I grabbed on to his hand and clutched at his fingers. He slept into the afternoon.

When he woke up, I was wondering if he would want to have sex, but he didn't. I didn't press the issue. Obviously I had made him uncomfortable with what I had said about TT. Was he thinking about me kissing someone else? Does he not want me anymore?

I went into the other room to get him some takeout menu's. He decided that he wanted Indian food, but when the food came, he didn't really like it. I offered to heat him up some of my chicken and potatoes from the night before. I was so nervous watching him eat my food.

"Domestic Hyde?" he asked.

"Yeah, you haven't really met her," I smiled.

The whole afternoon felt uneasy though. We didn't have that much to say to each other. And watching any more television was deadening. Narc got up and started tinkling on the piano. I moved over there and watched him. He doesn't know how to play anything. So after a few of his failed attempts at recalling childhood pieces, I sat down to play. He went into the bathroom. When he came out, he was putting his shoes on.

"Are you taking off?" I asked. I was honestly caught by surprise.

"Yeah, I think I better go if I'm going to get any writing in." he said casually.

I felt a dull ache in my heart. I don't know why.

"Okay. But what about my present? When can I get that?"

"Whenever you want!" he exclaimed. (As if getting hold of him is never a problem!)

"Maybe tomorrow night after my choir?" I suggested. "Because Thursday night is a work-night and the weekend gets tricky, you know? I'm not sure of my weekend plans..."

"Yeah, tomorrow might be okay. Why don't you give me a call? I'm going to be home all day and night working."

"Okay."

He walked towards the door.

"So, I guess I'll see you soon!" I said.

He didn't turn around to give me a hug or anything. He was just gone.

I lingered in the doorway for a second and then shut it closed.

And that brings me to now. As I sat here writing this post, he just sent me two emails linking to random funny things on the internet. So he's home... and thinking of me somehow, I guess...

I don't know. I don't have the energy to spend any more time on this right now.

I only know that I still feel lonely.

And very, very UNEASY.