Web of Dreams: Part II

So... let me just pick up where I left off. It was 10:00 on Saturday night; I had just showered and was in the mood to go out. Hammer, however, was on her way to some bicycle-event with Tad, so I decided to head to Cheers.

It wasn't going to be easy hanging out there with my new resolve, but I realized that what was depressing me wasn't so much that I couldn't drink, but that I couldn't go out on my own. I didn't want to lose that, so I decided to give it a try.

I had already told everyone over there that I am quitting. PumpedUp took a sip of my soda when he came in and laughed. I'm glad they're all making it easier for me by being lighthearted and okay about the whole thing. Especially as they let me drink diet coke for free (which I have some guilt issues about!).

Anyway, I ended up at the bar right next to CaliGirl-- the same girl who had stopped to say hi to me on the street a few hours earlier when I was stressing out on the phone with B. She asked me what was going on with me and what I was so stressed about earlier. I told her about quitting and about the on again off again cycle with Narc.

"It's just a lot that I have on my plate right now," I said.

She started to tell me about some of her own romantic troubles, her own drinking problems and her two suicide attempts. I noticed that she was still drinking, but after talking to her, I don't think that drinking is at the root of her problems. She only has a tolerance for 3-4 drinks. To me, that's crazy low. In any case, I was pretty shocked to hear about her situation, as she's always seemed like someone who has it "together." Then again, she told me that she dumped the abusive guy back in January and I've only known her since March. Who knows... maybe one of these days I'll come across to someone else as someone who has always had it "together." What a strange thought...

We talked for a long time and then EgyptianGirl came in and joined our conversation. Then two boys came in and one of them started flirting with me. CaliGirl poked me.

"He's cute!" she said. "Forget your heartache and go for him!"

I gave him a second glance. Not my type. Way too preppy and "twinkling" for me.

Anyway, TwinkleBoy told me that I shouldn't stand with my hand in my pockets because it made me look less confident.

Okay...

I took out my cell phone (because Hammer and I were intermittently texting) and he told me that he works for the metal company that imports the metal for the Razr keypads and that it's a top secret technology from Germany.

Okay...

He asked if I were going to sing anything. An old-time suitor, some guy named Chris (yes, I know-- I never bothered to give him a proper blog name!) showed up and asked me if I would sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I haven't sang that song at Cheers in over a year! It's a slow rendition and once PumpedUp told me that I was banned from singing any more "slow songs." Since then, I hadn't done it. But every time I see Chris, he asks for it. This time, TwinkleBoy confirmed it-- he wanted to hear it too. So I asked IrishBird to call me up for it. She did; I sang and sang well... But PumpedUp is right-- it is too slow for the bar. I felt like I brought the energy down. There were a few other people there, including another pseudo-suitor-- the guy who always sings the Thong Song. (Yeah... I know).

Meanwhile, no matter what, no matter what, no matter WHAT I did, I couldn't get my mind off Narc.

So I texted him at around 11:15 pm: You out & about tonight?

He wrote me back right away: Not sure yet.

My response: Well, let me know when you know... :)

Anyway, the night wore on, but as it neared 1:00 am, everyone around me started to appear drunk and it was making me cranky, to say the least. I figured I better take off to keep myself safe. I really did want to see Narc, though, and I hadn't heard back from him. I decided to give it one last shot.

So I wrote to him again: My party is breaking up so I'm headed home. Unless you want to hang out I'm gonna wind down for bed. So let me know sooner rather than later... Thanks. (12:49 am)

Ten minutes or so later, he wrote back: Was debating the Patriot, but it's already getting a bit late. Besides, you're still on the straight and narrow, non?

Hmmm... How to handle this one?

H: There are things to do besides drink, n'est pas? But if you really wanted to go there, I think I'm steady enough now to be able to stick to diet cokes w/o a prob... Whatever...

N: Don't want you being tempted! (And miserable and all...)

The next two texts were sent simultaneously:

H: I don't know... Maybe you're right that it's getting late & I should just get to bed soon...
N: Probably will just go to bed soon. Tired.

And then I wrote again: Me too... Don't want a sleep over?

N: If you like, though I have to get up fairly early

H: Me too. Going to LI tomorrow, so... not a prob.

N: K.

H: Will be there in 20... (1:27 am)

So, that's what it's like between us... Always this dance. He never extends more of himself than what is absolutely minimally necessary. That was a loaded interaction. (Can you sense everything that was going on there???) Everything is up for grabs right now. But I feel like everything real is spoken just under the surface. Do you see what I mean?

So, I headed down there and arrived just before 2:00 am. Narc was watching the Thin Red Line and was bored to tears. I joined him in his boredom and we started flipping through furniture catalogues. He wants to move everything around in his apartment and get an extra table at which he can "perch" while he writes. (He always says that-- he likes to "perch." I think it's the habit of spending too much time in bars. I'm a "percher" as well!). We talked about that for awhile and then watched part of Sliver on TV. (Anyone remember that god awful movie with Sharon Stone? I saw it in the theaters my freshman year of high school). At some point, my phone beeped. Who was it? (And yes, I think Narc found it curious that someone else texts me in the middle of the night!) It was CaliGirl. Weird!

She said: Call if you want to talk.
I answered: Thanks. That's very sweet of you. Maybe we can do dinner one of these days... :)

(She actually called me the next day, and left me a voice mail!)

Finally, at around 3:30, "Bed" was announced and "bed" was had. (And it was good.)

The next morning the alarm went off at 10:45 (Narc's idea of "early.") I had to get to the train station and he had to go down to Chinatown to find one of the only open banks to fix something having to do with a malfunctioning ATM card. I had to be out of there first, so I had to get dressed fast. Narc checked out the movie news on the internet and walked around naked. Then I was off.

Where was I going? To Long Island for my step-cousin's Bat Mitzvah. (She is my step-grandpa's biological granddaughter. I also have a lot of step-cousins through my stepfather.) This was a typical "Long Island Jewish" affair. If you don't know what that means, I don't have the energy to explain it right now. I could write an entire ethnographic study on the matter! But it was over the top, to put it mildly. I can't imagine how much the whole thing must have cost!

I had a great time at the party and danced up a storm, even though I towered the miniature thirteen year olds scuffling across the dance floor. One of the hired dancers kept coming up and trying to dance with me. It was a dancing-suitor! (Hammer is really getting to me with her terminology here!).

I was a little annoyed at BigSis and Bro-in-Law because they were drinking right next to me at the table, and while I was fine with the whole thing, the two of them make such a big deal about being "so supportive" of me right now, but obviously aren't willing to put themselves out at all. I'm certainly not going to ask them to either! I guess the reason it's really bothering me has to do with Bro-in-Law's upcoming birthday party. I told BigSis that I may or may not come depending on how I'm doing with my sobriety at that point. (Ugh! I hate that word-- "sobriety." It's much too lofty for me. I don't think I'll use it again.) Anyway, she said that she wants to be able to drink that night without "worrying about it," so maybe I shouldn't come. That really pissed me off. So, now for their sakes, I'm not supposed to come to the party? You'd think they'd be trying to make me feel better about this, not worse. Like I said-- it's fine with me if she drinks. But what bothers me is that she says it's all for my sake that she's concerned. If she really cared, she would have been more sensitive about it last night and she'd be happy to abstain for one party while I'm still working all this out.

Last night when I got back from the party, I was damned exhausted! I knew I'd have to wake up at 5:30 this morning, so I hit the sheets as early as I could.

Today there's a lot I'm working through in my head-- mostly thoughts about codependency and my relationships with B and Narc. And thoughts about control and emotional manipulation. I always feel like I have no control, but believe me-- I know I can be a master manipulator. I have B in my back pocket and always have. He and I both know it. And as for Narc? Well, it's not like with B, but he's still here, isn't he? And my dependence on the manufacture of drama... and having to feel needed to feel good... All of this is stuff I need to do a lot more thinking about.

So, that's it for now. Everything is in such transition that life almost feels like a dream... like it's not mine. Kudos to VJ for recognizing the source of my post-title.

Tonight it's goodbye to Jack, my love.

I'll check in with you all soon!

love,
h

Oh! PS: Guess who I got a voice mail from last night?

The Stallion!

Hey Hyde, How you doin'? It's the Stallion. Um, I'm gonna try to give you a call back a little later. I'm gonna actually be leaving town soon and I wanted to see... you know... come talk to you or something. Maybe we'll go out for lunch... you know.. be "day friends"... you know. Um... So, email me or I'll just email you. That's probably the best way to get a hold of me because I don't have a phone now. Because... I just don't. So I will talk to you later. Um... Alright, girl. Bye.

Hmmm....