Make New Friends (but Keep the Old?)

How sad! My Flashy visitor is gone! I miss him already, but without his wonderful company it should give me more time to obsessively blog again. He was really a most gracious guest and a lot of fun. I know that Hammer feels the same way.

(Flash, NY just won't be the same without you!!!)

So where did I leave you all? Ah, yes. On Sunday night-- my long talk with Flash, dinner at the Manchester and Sunday night cartoons!

It was (relatively) early to bed on Sunday as I had to be up bright and early for Monday morning teaching, after which I met Flash "at David Blaine" and we headed to the planetarium. I hadn't been there in a really long time and it's an awesome part of the museum, except for the fact that there were too many school kids running around. The best parts of that excursion (aside from my companion)? The new space show-- Cosmic Collisions and the fact that I got to eat some "astronaut ice cream," not enjoyed since childhood!

After the planetarium, Flash went back to Cheers to watch another Leeds game, and I went home to rest and to blog. Several hours later, I was still on the computer when Flash returned happy from the beer and singing me a song. Leeds had won! Yay!!! After that, we just hung out for a while, talking and watching TV in anticipation of "24-night" with Hammer.

I usually like to stop in at Cheers on Monday nights starting at around 7:00, when BarMan comes on duty, so Flash and I did just that, sipping drinks and munching on chips. Before long, Hammer joined us. It was then that our 24-night started to get sidetracked. We decided to eat dinner at Cheers, as Hammer was famished after ballet, and we all started drinking a bit heavier (especially me, forgoing my usual "doubles," instead ordering triple and then quintuple shots of jack mixed in with my diet coke.) When ThursdayGirl arrived, we all had to cheer for her, as she had just received her Master's degree that morning. She showed us all a new tattoo she got on her lower back. The conversation among Hyde, Hammer and Flash? Mostly sex. We were laughing up a storm.

Then, some friends of ThursdayGirl's arrived. The boy had a stubble moustache that was too dark, even though Hammer found his energy attractive. The girl told Flash that he was "hot." He was most pleased. One of the Nigerians was there and offered Hammer some chicken wings. Later, one of the Ohio boys I met on Thursday night showed up. Hammer thought he was a lurker and a moocher and didn't like him. I was too drunk to care and bought him a shot. Hammer was saying some really funny things. I had to write them down on napkins and stick them in my bra.

By this point in the trip, Flashy had met nearly all of my main blog "characters," (except for B), but he still hadn't seen Anxious. Hammer encouraged me to send her a text.

What are you up to? I wrote.

As luck would have it, she was on her way to Cheers to meet BulgarianGuy! How fortuitous for Flash! Now Flash was able to envision in all its glorious detail the infamous "Anxious-Narc Masturbation Incident." Having met all the players and having been in my apartment, he said he found the whole thing even more difficult to believe!

Hmmm... details on the rest of our time at Cheers gets blurry for me. The point is that we were all laughing quite a bit and having a really good time. A proper way to spend Flash's last night with us! It was becoming more and more clear that 24 was just not going to happen. When the bar closed up, we headed back to my place. Hysterics ensued. Hammer hung out for a while, and when she left, Flash and I crashed out on the couch and smoked a joint. It was then that I got another call from Narc. I think it was nearly 3:00 am.

Narc was drunk and wanted to see me. I know what you're all thinking... I also know that I have very little resolve when it comes to Narc. But I have much more resolve (this time) to quit drinking, and I think that my relationship with Narc without drink will die like a fish out of water. Needless to say, I "tottered towards the door," (as Flash put it) and went to see him.

Narc was super intense (and super drunk). He tore my clothes off me at the door (the napkins with Hammer's notes went flying out of my bra!) and it was more of the same from there.

"I love you. I love you so, darling," he kept saying, over and over again. "I love you, I love you, I love you!!!"

Can I help it if I'm a little incredulous? I think I'm still okay, but too much of this is going to fuck with my head again big time.

Anyway, we probably fell asleep at around 5:00 am and I set my cell phone alarm for 8:30 the next morning. I had to keep an appointment with my therapist. When the alarm went off, I reached up and grabbed it quickly so that it wouldn't wake him up. Unfortunately, in doing so, I forgot my charger which was plugged into his wall.

After therapy, I still felt awful from the night before, my veins surely a river of whiskey. Flash had already eaten breakfast and I wasn't up for our proposed shopping trip, so he headed for 34th street, while I collapsed on the couch in front of the television. I only had a few hours to rest my body before getting dressed for my cabaret that night.

When Flash got back from shopping, he had a little present for me! An Elvis edition of Monopoly! It was so sweet and thoughtful. (Thanks again, Flash!). We sat and talked for a little while before NDN stopped by with a bowlful of ice cream. He had some funny stories for us, including an attempt to rent a porn video with his mom present and a pipe dream of going to North Korea this fall. After NDN headed back to work, it was time for Flash and I to say our goodbyes. It's amazing how quickly the five days passed. His visit has also strangely impacted the way I feel about blogging, although I can't quite articulate how...

The rest of Monday I spent continuing to recuperate, eventually dressing for the evening's show. NDN stopped by again with some very sad news. His grandfather passed away. I gave him a big hug. Poor NDN. NDN and I both lost our fathers much too young, and I think that loss-- any loss-- has an especially hard impact on someone once you've been through something like that. His grandfather was certainly a character! I knew that from the time NDN told his grandfather about our trip to Scores!

After he left, it was back to dressing. With all of the weight I've gained over the past two years (and it's finally starting to get to me), going through my wardrobe and trying to find something in which I felt sexy/pretty was no easy task. In fact, it sucked. But I managed to put something together and got my makeup and hair into a satisfactory state. I was off!

In the cab on my way to the show, my phone rang. It was Narc calling from his home phone.

What the fuck is going ON with him?

He started to tell me about how he had been out to Brooklyn that morning to scope out a place for his film shoot. The place is "far from perfect," he said, "but it's manageable." He was talking to me as if there is nothing strange between us.

He's an even better compartmentalizer than I am. Fucking incredible!

Then he pointed out that he had my cell charger.

"It's not the end of the world," I said. "I have a second charger, but I do need that one back at some point in the next few days."

"Well, I'm going out with LA-Friend tonight at around 9:00, but if you want to come over here now, we could hang out for a few hours..."

"Narc, I can't. My cabaret, remember?"

"Oh yeah. That's right."

He paused.

"Well, LA-Friend and I are going to be out and about probably between 9:00-is and 11:00-ish, if you want to meet up."

"Okay. So I'll text you when I'm out of the show."

We hung up, and I made my way to the piano bar.

I was one of the first few there, and so I warmed up a little. The other performers were even more nervous than I was. I have to say-- I miss the kind of anxious energy that goes around before an ensemble production. It's the "electricity" of theater. I haven't felt it since I used to do community theater back in high school.

The show itself was fun. I wasn't thrilled with my first song vocally (as I miscalculated a note a little bit), but B knows my voice better than anyone and he was there and said that it was so emotionally and musically personal that he had trouble even looking at me while I sang. (The song? "As Long as He Needs Me"). So, vocal imperfections aside, I guess it was a pretty powerful performance. The second song went perfectly, and as for the third... I came out in a boa for "Big Spender" and blew everyone away on the vocals. I still felt a little uncomfortable "letting loose" on stage, but I did the whole show with no drinks to calm my nerves, so I was proud of myself for that.

My family took up a huge table in the center/front of the room. With the stage lighting, it was difficult to see far beyond the closest tables, but I could see my mom and B easily. The other girls kept asking backstage who "that guy" was in the front row.

"I keep singing to him!" they said, needing a man to play off of for the love songs, or the sexy songs.

B told me that he's never gotten so much female attention in his life!

After the show, my mom and my sisters gave me flowers. We gathered outside the bar and everyone came up to me with praise. Most people were saying I was the best of the group--even strangers! And although I felt shy, it also felt great. One of my classmates pulled my mom aside and told her, "We've got to get this girl on Broadway! Make her do it!"

When my party finally dispersed, B and I went to get a cup of coffee. He said that Anxious had come to see me too, but I missed her in the audience. Then, when I turned my phone back on, there was a text from Narc:

What's the name of your song again?

So... he was talking about me to a friend? I knew he was referring to "Big Spender," so I wrote him back, but I never heard from him after that.

"Don't go out with him, Hyde!" B reminded me. "Isn't today supposed to be day-1 of sobriety? How are you going to manage that if you go and meet Narc in a bar? Just go home and relax. Get some sleep for once! God knows, you need it!"

I agreed, and so B and I shared a cab uptown.

Back at home, I felt a little anxious. I wanted to go to Cheers to say hi to IrishBird, but I didn't want to drink. I figured I would stop in for one soda and then leave. I probably shouldn't make a habit of that, given that I'm really resolved to quit, but I managed to get away with it last night. The bar was pretty empty, so it gave me a good opportunity to catch her up on all of the events of the weekend. She was intrigued by how I know Flash and told me, again, that she thought he was a great singer. She also couldn't believe that I had seen Narc again. (She likes to call him a "walking hard-on.") We laughed about the fact that Narc had said to me "you're not allowed to wear clothes in this apartment anymore." Whatever... I also told her a bit about the fight I had with my sister on Sunday (there's nothing like confiding in your bartender!) and after half an hour and two diet cokes, I headed back to my place.

So, it was relatively early to bed for me! At 11:52, just before climbing under the covers, I sent Narc another text:

Going to bed now. But in 8 minutes I'll be sending you a good wish for your birthday! Nite...

(Narc is turning 30 today). I didn't hear back from him after that either. Although, this morning when I woke up, I had a message from him sent at 2:50 am:

All ELVIS on "IDOL"!!

Hmmm... I can't be stupid about this and get sucked back in. I HAVE to protect myself emotionally. But, I'm just so fucking bad at it. I keep telling myself that I'm okay... that I just need to take it one thing at a time...

So here are my priorities for the moment:

#1: Get off the alcohol. NOW.
#2: Get my food/blood sugar stuff back under control and lose some weight.
#3: Get my incompletes done.
#4: Find a summer job.
#5: Deal with the Narc situation.

Boys just can NOT be first on my list right now.

Anyway, that's it for the moment. I'm meeting Hammer for lunch in a little while. It was sad to wake up this morning and not see Flash on my couch. The two things he said that surprised me the most? What a fussy eater he is! And that "You'll Never Walk Alone" is the theme song for the Liverpool Football Club. Wait.... What?!?!

All in all, I feel like I have a new friend out there-- one who is not just friends with "Hyde" but with the real me. It's nice. So thanks for that, Flash. And thanks for being such a wonderful guest.

Hope you are all well!

love,
h