Web of Dreams: Part I

It's not even 7:00 am, and yet here I am in my office, eating eggs and listening to Tammy Wynette. ("If you think I love you now... I've just started!")

This weekend was interesting for me... a learning experience of sorts. I had seen Narc all week long leading up to the weekend, which had me in a very particular sort of emotional state. To make matters worse, I hadn't made any real fixed weekend plans, and I am still resolved not to drink. All in all, it was a troublesome mix.

On Friday the city alternated between thunderstorms and sunshine (sort of like my mood). I stayed home the entire day, intent on doing my laundry, but really getting very little of anything done. I wanted to see Narc and he invited me over early in the day, but when I told him I had to clean my house first, he replied with: Will let you know then. That, of course, had me on edge all day.

Would he? When? And if not, was he mad at me for not coming earlier when he wanted me to?

That's just the kind of thinking I have to get over!

Anyway... He didn't call. I stayed up late that night, anxious, depressed and playing Bejeweled on my cell phone.

I wrote to him at 12:46 am: What are you up to?

And again at 1:16 am: Anyway, if you think you might want to meet up tonight, let me know either way by 2:00. That's when I'm headed to bed. Hope you're having a good night...

Not a word...

Again, I slept fitfully and depressedly. I woke up at least five or six times in the night. Finally, at 9:00 am I crawled out of bed and posted here. Then I got back into bed. B called me at around 11:30.

"Hey, H! Want to get lunch?"

"Ok!"

I met him at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza where there were a lot of Turks setting up for the Turkish Day Parade. We ate some Chinese food and talked shop-- his dissertation, my trying to stay sober, his anxiety over moving in with Drippy, my own frustrations of the heart, etc.

After lunch he asked me if I wanted to walk him to Barnes & Noble at the Citigroup Center. He wanted to buy some new fantasy or science fiction reading. I agreed. Wandering through the fiction section, I stumbled onto V.C. Andrews. I read many of her novels when I was just eleven or so, and remember them as clear as day. A few of them had a particularly powerful impact on me, and I can't imagine that being a good thing in any way at all (for those of you familiar with the creepy brand of rape and incest woven into her stories!). One of the books had a sex/rape scene in it that I must have pre-pubescently read and re-read a hundred times. I picked up the book and still knew which page to turn to! Anyway, I bought two of the books. Re-reading them now (as schlock literature) may have an interesting effect.

After that, B and I parted ways and I set off for home. I read for a little while (not VC Andrews, but Susskind's "Perfume,") and then I started to get depressed again. I was sinking fast. I watched some television, but once I started that, I couldn't pull myself up off the couch. It was as if I were sucked down into some whirlpool of listlessness and ennui. It was only getting worse. And I felt sick that Narc hadn't called me the night before. And I felt sick for feeling sick about that. And I wanted to drink.

I spent a long time talking to Hammer online. She invited me out with her that night, even though she had plans with Tad. She just didn't want me to be tempted to drink. I told her I was going to shower and schminken first and would check in with her. So I walked to Duane Reade to buy new razors and shaving cream (I left mine at Narc's) and cigarettes, which I proceeded to chain smoke. For a while I stood outside my building, nervously smoking, chatting with B on the phone when CaliGirl (a Cheers regular I've known since March or so) walked by with her dog. She came over to try to say hello to me, but I indicated that I was on the phone.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Well, sort of... I'm just a little anxious right now. I mean... I'm fine. I'm just--"

"Well, let me know if you need to talk," she said. "You still have my number, right?"

"Um, yeah."

I was so jittery, the phone was shaking in my hands. I just really wanted a drink. I said goodbye to her, stamped out my cigarette and went back upstairs to my apartment. I wanted to go out OUT!!! O-O-O-O-UT!!!! (As you read in my last post).

The shower seemed to help a little though. I took an extra long time drying my hair and applying my makeup. At around 10:00, I was ready to go.

Anyway, I have to go give a final exam, so I'll finish this post later.

To be continued...