What did I say in April?
"If I DO see him again consider me a weak and worthless piece of shit because that is what I'll be."
Well, I didn't see him, but here's what happened...
I was massively low-self-esteeming last night and drank three glasses of Jack Daniels at home. Then I felt like a total failure based on the commitment I just made to my family (in regards to drinking). I wanted to talk to someone, but it was late-- nearly 2:00 am. I had already called Hammer and I had called Liu (they weren't around). I decided to call Narc just to hear his voice on his voice mail message. I had done it before. He never picks up if he doesn't recognize the number, and he certainly wouldn't pick up for me, right? So... no harm, no foul?
I dialed from my home phone.
Ring 1
Ring 2
Ring 3
Ring 4
Ring-- "Hello?"
It was him! What the fuck? Do I say "hi" or do I hang up? Why did I even call to begin with? I didn't say anything for what felt like an eternity.
N: Hello? Is anyone there? (He was drunk. I could tell. He was also out. I could hear the sounds of night life around him.) Hello???
H: Hey... (I was quiet and tentative.)
N: Hyde???
H: Um, yeah...
N: Calling me from a restricted number?
H: Just calling you from my home phone, Narc...
N: Yeah, but your home phone isn't usually "restricted."
H: Yes it is.
N: Oh, is it?...So?
H: I don't know... I'm just calling to say "hi," I guess...
N: Look, Hyde... We should talk. I mean, we have things to talk about, but not now. Not now.
H: Okay... I mean, I didn't-- I'm not calling to talk about anything in particular. I mean... that's okay.
(I wanted to tell him about my friend's brother. I wanted to tell him that I miss him.)
N: Yeah, okay, but not now. Now's not the time, alright? (He was being stern with me). I'll call or write you sometime soon, okay?
(Will he?)
H: Um... well... yeah... okay, then. Okay, then.
N: So... BYE!
H: Yeah. Bye, Narc.
The whole conversation took two seconds.
I'm a fucking moron.
4 comments:
No you're not. (Been there, done something similar) - you've done bloody well to last this long without any contact.
Don't beat yourself up, please.
Just embrace your fucking moronness. If you were not a fucking moron then we would have nothing in common and we would not be friends, let alone fellow sisters of the yellow tea rose. Imagine if you were an ultra-sensible perfectionista who went after and got everything she wanted. Would I have been able to talk to you about the tattoo debacle, my almost-engagement to a man everyone else but me knew was gay, my stalking of a former friend because he looks like a soap star, my kind-of-pretend-breakdown that got me out of a semester of Student teaching, etc.? I love you because you are a fucking moron.
By the way, I am so proud of you for talking to your mom and sister. I know that must have been overwhelmingly difficult. I know you probably don't want me to comment on this further, so I won't.
-VJ
I remember what you said. Do you remember what I said in response? No one here is going to come down on you about this, so why should you come down on yourself?
Would you like to talk on the phone sometime? I can send you my number, plus late night for you is afternoon, so no matter how late you're up I'll always be able to answer the phone! Maybe it would help the next time you need to hear a friendly voice?
Don't sweat it. Like the other commenters, it's happened to all of us before. Maybe he won't even remember:). But seriously, no one thinks you are a moron...
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