Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

Yesterday was a really strange day. I've been having a hard time figuring out how I feel about things lately. I don't know... In terms of quitting drinking, it was really hard the first week and then easier, and now it's really hard again. (I'm at 19 days now). Why is that???

Anyway, I had to wake up super early yesterday, even though I had a relatively restless sleep due to the fact that I was hyper-aware that I was ignoring Narc's attempted contacts. I was in blue-sweatshirt mode, waiting for a cab at 7:00 am when I heard someone call my name. It was FightingMensch. He was crossing the street.

"Hey, Hyde! What's up?" he called, waving his arm.

He had an odd expression on his face. He was wearing an orange shirt. I hadn't seen him since that night he was at Cheers, drunk, telling about how his brother was in jail for murder. I don't know how all of that resolved. I sent him a card the next day saying "I know it's really none of my business, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, your brother and your family. Let me know if I can do anything at all," or something like that. Maybe yesterday morning's awkward wave hello was an acknowledgment of that...

I gave exams and graded papers all day yesterday. When it was over, I met a student back in my office. She had to drop off her term paper. On her way out, she paused and turned.

"There's just one more thing I wanted to ask you, professor," she said.

"What's that?"

"Um... Well... How old are you?"

I laughed.

"27."

"27? Really? You look a lot younger than that!"

Me: "Really? Yay!!!"

Her: "Yeah! You look like you're 25 or 23!"

Me: "I used to be 25 and 23."

She looked at me strangely, unsure of what to say. So I continued.

"I mean... I started teaching here when I was 25. And I started teaching in general when I was 23. Wait-- actually, I was 22 when I started."

Her: "Oh. Well... Have a fun summer, professor."

Me: "Ok. You too."

Then, as I was grading papers, I noticed a very odd essay in the pile. It was clearly plagiarized. I don't know how teachers did it in the olden days, but I googled a few sentences and up came articles from Wikipedia and MSN Encarta. It was lazy plagiarism. This kid is a fucking moron. Since I already gave finals, and classes are over for the semester, I had no way of contacting him except email. So I wrote him a letter:

*******************
Dear J,

Pages two and five of your paper appear to have been DIRECTLY copied from Wikipedia.

(I inserted the link to the Wikipedia article.)

Parts of your first page have been directly plagiarized from MSN Encarta:

(I inserted the link to the Encarta article.)

As you know, plagiarism is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. If you were having trouble with this assignment, you had ample opportunity to come to office hours to ask me for help What you did here was both lazy and insulting. I will let you know how I plan to proceed from here. You most certainly will not get credit for the paper, and may, in fact, fail the course. I need to contact my department to find out how to properly proceed in cases of plagiarism.

In the meantime, I'd like to know what you have to say for yourself.

Sincerely,

Professor Hyde
*******************

I doubt I'll really contact the department, as that would majorly fuck him over, but I wanted to scare him a little. Stuff like that, when done poorly, REALLY pisses me off. At least take the time to plagiarize more appropriate material. It caught my eye because it had very little to do with the question assigned! Ugh!

Anyway, moving on...

I have been feeling so tired and irritable lately... Restless and anti-social at the same time. Hammer's parents were in town and she had invited me to dinner with them, but I really wasn't up for it. I just wanted to come home after my long day and vegetate and be alone. And that's exactly what I did. I talked to VJ for a while on the phone, and to NDN for a while on the phone, but I mostly just laid around and watched television.

Time went by and I hadn't eaten dinner. I was starting to feel more and more anxious and more and more irritable. I wanted to go out. OUT!!! O-O-O-UT!!!

I texted Narc: What are you up to tonight?

He didn't write back right away, so I kept flipping channels on TV.

Then I had to text him again: Just found "What the Bleep Do We Know?" on TV. But am too wiped out to be thoughtful & pay attention to it right now. Trying to catch that 2nd wind...

He wrote back: Heading out for a bit, may give a call later.

My reply: K. But I might not be up into the wee hours of the night. Not sure of my plans yet. Have fun, wherever you're off to!

(All this was at around 9:00 pm).

Anyway, I decided to take a shower. That's always B's remedy for irritability or depression.

When I got out, Narc had written me another text: Off meeting PopStarChick for catch up etc. Just bought 17 inch MacBook Pro. Woohoo!! Also, my two tea light grids for hanging above my TV. Can't wait! Also, "Goonies" tonight and tomorrow night at Landmark Sunshine. Midnight showings only!

Did I need to know he was meeting PopStarChick? Now I had a knot in my stomach on top of everything else. My chest felt tight. I started to blow dry my hair.

I got a text from Brick: How r u doing?

The answer? Not so good. So I wrote back: Kind of shitty. Having urges to go out. Back-reading my blog and craving drama. N still being an asshole. But just showered and now drying my hair. How bout you?

He called me. He was out in NJ visiting his sister, but offered to come back into the city if I needed company. He told me that one of the AA "acronyms" is "HALT": Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. He said that being in any of those states makes you vulnerable to relapse, so the first thing I needed to do was eat, and the second, to figure out some company for the night. Hmm... at that very moment, I was hungry, angry, lonely AND tired, but also cranky and asocial. I told him I would get on it and he said he would call me back in 20 minutes.

So I decided to walk to the deli to get a sandwich for dinner. At this point, it must have been around 11:00 pm. The only problem? I never made it to the deli. Instead, I swung into Cheers.

BarMan gave me a big hug when I came in, as did the bouncer and IrishBird. I found a seat in the corner and settled in with a diet coke. I couldn't stop my leg from shaking up and down. A whole crowd of the Nigerians were there. Two of them kissed me hello. I shifted seats a few times. PreppyGirl was at the bar and was sobbing. I couldn't ascertain what the problem was. When she left, I moved over to the bar, wedging myself in against the jukebox. Cali was there, as was TT's good friend N, another girl named Shaysis (I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before) and that guy Chris (who I'm going to call RainbowBoy from now on). BarMan was doing a really funny imitation of RainbowBoy's drunk dance.

All of that said, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. PCuz was tending bar and was surprised that I still wasn't drinking. I felt uncomfortable. But how can that be? How could I have been uncomfortable in the place I feel most comfortable of all!

Both BarMan and IrishBird told me that they were really proud of me for sticking with things thus far. PumpedUp came up from downstairs and he was wearing an orange shirt.

I keep seeing orange shirts.

Of course, all the while, I kept waiting for Narc to text. It wasn't even a thought-- just a feeling and an anxious, constricted leap in my heart each time the phone buzzed in my pocket. For the most part, all of the buzzing was NDN, out with some friends at Congee Village.

At 12:30 am, the phone buzzed again. This time it was Brick: What's up?? he wrote.

Hmm... I had told him I was going to get food and company and instead ended up at the bar. I didn't want to tell him I was at the bar, so I figured I better leave. I FINALLY got up and went to get dinner-- a sandwich across the street. Once I was in the deli I got an insatiable craving for ice cream (something I don't usually eat.) I wanted it. I went over to the freezer section to check out the Ben & Jerry's. I looked at the Chocolate Brownie and the Half Baked. Narc likes those both.

Which one should I get? I thought. Which one would he get?

Then I had to stop myself. I really am sick with this. WHY the fuck was I picking an ice cream flavor based on what he likes? What do I like? What the hell is wrong with me??? So, I picked a flavor I like-- coffee heath bar crunch! And it was delicious!

I ate it at home while watching Law & Order.

And I texted Brick back: Drank 50 trillion diet cokes, bought ice cream.. Spent time in my bar. N told me he would txt when he was done with plans. Hasn't yet. Overcaffinated. All that said, drinking urge passed for the most part. You?

He said that he was okay and was going to bed. I stayed up for a few more hours. Got into bed, got out of bed. Paced my living room; checked the internet; got back in bed; watched a lot more TV. I finally fell asleep at around 4:00 am. Narc had never called.

I think I know why, though. PopStarChick just moved out to Jersey. So, if they were out drinking and it got late, he probably offered for her to crash at his place as opposed to making it back to Jersey drunk. And that's why I didn't hear from him. It shouldn't matter though. I have to stop this obssessive thinking.

Anyway, today I got up, talked to B, talked to Hammer, talked to NDN, had a few spoonfuls of ice cream, made plans with Anxious (as she's leaving the country for a month, next week) and blogged. Now it's 1:30 and I haven't eaten lunch. So, guess what? I'm starting to feel Hungry, Anxious, Lonely and Tired. (I'm a girl with anger issues... Anger usually turns into anxiety or depression instead...)

So, I've got to get my day rolling. I have a lot of grading to do.

later...

h