"And How Does That Make You Feel?"

(I know, I know... Third post in less than 24 hours! And I said that I had lost the urge to blog? Guess not...)

I've been spending a lot of time in therapy. I think it's a good thing. I can already feel myself changing. Last night I enjoyed choir practice.

Today after group, I walked my new friend over to where his sister's car was parked-- a not so nice part of Alphabet City. There were a lot of homeless people around. He had to pee, so he went on the side of a tree while I kept guard. Someone had nailed a sign to the tree.

"If you steal cars here, you will be hanged!" it read.

A rusty spike kept the sign in place. Hanging from that spike was a long white noose. It was creepy.

My new friend (still blog-nameless) drove me back to my place. While I was in the car with him, I got a text message from Narc.

Let me back up a sec--

I saw Narc on Tuesday night and he was very depressed. He had been out at a party with two friends of his--both girls. One of them I had never heard of before. I asked him who she was and he said "just a friend... whatever..." and he shrugged it off beyond that.

The next day I was thinking of him in the morning, so I wrote, asking him how his day was going, and he responded with those texts about the ducks at the duck pond. As you all know, I wrote to him again asking him if he wanted to meet up later. He never responded.

Then, today, I got a text from him. But for you to get this, you need a little more context:

One of my absolutely most favorite summer activities is to ride a speed boat called "The Beast." The ride is offered by the Circle Line company, and every summer since they started offering the ride (in 2000), I have gone as many times as possible. (The last time I went on was with B in September). Anyway, I've been telling Narc about it for the past two summers and suggested several times that we go. We've never gone.

So, today, at 1:57 pm, he sent me a text: About to ride the Beast!!!

Why would he do that? Who is he with? I know he's with another girl. He knows that I know he's with another girl. Why would he write that to me? What does he have to gain? What kind of response is he trying to illicit?

"And how does that make you feel, Hyde?"

My first feeling was anxiety and obsession.

I wanted to write back right away and tell him to "have fun." I wanted to cement the fact that I am still here. That "we're" still here. That he wrote to me because he's sharing with me. That he wrote to me because he's thinking of me, and that's something, right?

But my new friend told me not to write back.

So I sat with it for a moment.

"And how does that make you feel, Hyde?"

It makes me feel rejected.
It makes me feel frustrated.
It makes me feel unworthy.
It makes me feel anxious and like I want to try harder.
It makes me feel angry?
It makes me feel sad.

I feel very, very rejected. And very, very sad.

Oh, and another thing-- I sure don't feel like myself lately.

love,
h