Monday's Masturbation E-mail Fight

Yesterday was a dramatic day. I got in a huge e-mail fight with Anxious, got drunk early in the evening, cooked B a delicious spaghetti dinner and suffered several crying fits before the night was through.

Let's start with the Anxious thing. Loyal readers of my blog may have picked up on this from my March 1st "Letter to Narc," but there was a strange incident involving masturbation between Anxious and Narc. I didn't hear about this from either of them. Instead, I was told about it by another close friend, GoldenFinch, who called me after Anxious visited her last weekend.

Basically, what GoldenFinch told me is that on Valentine's Day, when I was out at my voice lesson that Narc came out of my bedroom naked, sat on the pull-out sofa bed and masturbated while conducting a "normal" conversation with Anxious. I was pretty upset that Anxious didn't tell me about it and I had to find a way to bring it up to her. However, GoldenFinch made me promise not to tell Anxious that she told me, so I decided to tell Anxious that Narc told me about it himself. To make matters worse between me and Anxious, she has been pressuring me to let her stay at my house while she gets settled in the city and starts temping. I told her a few times that it's too difficult for me right now, going through everything with my brother and all, but she hasn't taken the hint. I avoided returning her calls and emails for the past week or so, but finally made myself do it on Sunday night. I'll give you guys some excerpts of the email exchanges that followed.


***************
Hi Anxious,

(First I gave her an update on my brother...)

Then...

I know that you said that you needed a place to stay for a few days, and I feel terrible about this, but I really can't handle having a house guest right now. I just need my private space. I've been having sleep problems, etc. If you need a place to crash overnight, that's one thing, but a longer stay is just too much for me right now. I'm sure you understand. What's happening in my family is the most awful thing there is.

(Then some chit-chat about a mutual friend...)

Then...

Also, I know I told you about the Narc thing (which is honestly the least of my worries, but is lingering on my mind) and there's one thing I wanted to ask you before massive amounts of time go by. Narc told me about how it was when I was out at my voice lesson. Not that there's any point to it at this point, but I was wondering what happened according to you--just for peace of mind.

-Hyde
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Excerpts from her response:

(On staying at my place:)

I *do* understand and you know I HATE to ask anything of anybody and wouldn't unless I really needed it. I just don't know how else to get back on my feet...and I NEED to get back on my feet. I can't find a job, but at least with a temp job I can move out, hopefully. But the thing is, they don't give you a week or two to find housing before you start a temp job; it's "come in tomorrow," and that's what's hanging me up. It's too far to drive from here. I definitely don't want to be a "houseguest," with the responsibility that implies, or impose. If I could crash for a night or two, that would be wonderful. I wish I had thought to do this when Scotland and I were together and I could've stayed with him, but who knew it would end so suddenly? I know the timing is awful and I totally understand the need for private space and I don't want to be a burden. I do understand. I guess if worst came to worst, I could try to find the $$ to stay in a hostel. I wanted to ask you first because a) you had offered, b) it seemed the sort of things friends do for each other (although I realize these are exceptional circumstances and bad timing and can't blame you for not being able to right now), and c) you might even be insulted if I was staying in a hostel instead. I've been sensitive to the fact that you're really overburdened lately. There have been a couple of nights when I've had to drive home from class really late in snowstorms, and it's been terrifying, and I had the thought to call you up and ask if I could crash at your place instead. And I know that normally, of course you'd be fine with that -- even enjoy the unexpected company, as I would myself if the shoe were on the other foot. But I don't want to ask anything more than I absolutely have to right now. I've been having sleep problems too. I just keep on waking up early. I can't sleep enough, no matter when I go to bed. I've got too much on my mind. Guess you're going through the same thing.

(This pissed me off on so many levels. First of all, we're SO NOT "going through the same thing." Second of all, she's saying that she "hates to ask" and "understands" my situation, but I alreay told her "no" and she's continuing to pressure me!)

(Now, her response to the Narc-masturbation thing:)

Aha. I was debating whether to say anything to you, and decided against it -- given the recent fragility of our relationship, I didn't want to throw any weird triangles into the mix. And I figured that if I accused him of anything, he might deny it or lie in some way that made me look bad, and then you'd be mad at me and that would be awful...I can't believe he would tell you about that. It only makes HIM look bad, unless he told you something that wasn't the truth! It was QUITE weird, and I was appalled. I figured it would upset you so I kept quiet about it.

Okay, here goes. He got up that afternoon and wandered out naked, which didn't faze me all that much because he was wandering around naked the night before and nudity doesn't bother me, although I do think it's slightly weird when your lover is right there to be naked in front of another girl. Anyhow, he sat on your barstool and smoked a couple of cigarettes, naked, while I bustled around fully clothed putting on makeup and arranging my stuff. Then he wandered over to the bed, lay down...and began to masturbate. He kept this up for quite some time. (That's why I didn't make up the bed, which I would normally do as a houseguest; I couldn't get near it.) I had math homework to do and was sitting at your desk doing it.

At some points I had to get up and walk across the room to get things and I just had no idea what to do, so I pretended nothing was unusual and just kept up the conversation as if he were wearing a business suit. It was not, by the way, a sexy conversation of any kind, which was why the whole thing was so odd. He just kept touching himself for the longest time. I have to say, I'm not all that fazed by nudity or even sex in public, but masturbation strikes me as being a really private thing and I thought it was extremely odd, to say the least.

I was wondering if he was trying to come on to me or provoke me or something. I had no idea, so I just totally ignored it and kept making references to "Hyde should be home really soon" so he'd put clothes on. When you called to say you were running late, I was like, Oh, great. I thought it was, how shall I put it, in bad taste to come on to someone who was obviously in such a fragile and vulnerable state as I was, and in the apartment of the woman he was seeing, no less. But I didn't see any point in getting mad about it. I was all alone with him and he's a big guy and I didn't want to start any kind of confrontation, so I tried to stay casual. (If he WAS trying to come on to me, that strikes me as being a weird way to do it. I'm really turned off watching men masturbate. I prefer they do it in private.)

That's the entire story of what happened while you were at your voice lesson -- no more, no less. I can't *imagine* why he'd tell you about that. Or did he tell you something else? Anyhow, that's part of what led me to describe him as destructive and untrustworthy, and to urge you to use a condom with him. Whatever kind of arrangement you two have, I can't imagine that it includes masturbating in front of friends!

(Then she goes on about a few other things)

-Anxious
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Anyway, I wrote back to her from my office yesterday morning. Here's some excerpts from that:

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Hey,

When I asked you what you thought of him, I wondered if you would mention the situation. I think it's strange that not knowing what his intentions were, you said that he was

"not the slightest bit malicious. He is, however, honest -- about that everything else. He is not deceptive. He is really fond of you, but not up for a serious relationship at this moment, and he is honest about that too."

You went on to say:

"I liked him a whole lot more than I expected to, given the picture you'd painted of him. (I think, in my reckless and un-self-censoring state of mind that night, I made that quite clear to him, too! He had the graciousness not to take offense, for which I give him credit.)"

He doesn't care about people's feelings. He's strangely unempathetic but knows how to put on the right masks at the right times. I KNOW that he did the naked-masterbation thing because he likes to make people uncomfortable and wanted to watch you squirm a bit and because he wanted to laugh at both of us later. YOU didn't know that though. He thought the whole thing was really funny--pitting two friends against each other. It's a power thing. I guess I'm mad that you let him put that kind of divide between us and that you let him make me look stupid like that.

But while he thought it was funny, I can't imagine what YOU were thinking and why you didn't mention it to me! I remember when I called on my way home that day that you sounded strange on the phone and I even asked you what was going on because you were laughing nervously and kept giving me "yes" and "no" answers, yet you assured me that nothing was wrong. Why didn't you say something?

HELLO?!?!?! NARC WAS TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME.

WHY didn't you go in the other room, or tell him that he was being inappropriate or go for a walk or give me a call? Or do anything to get out of the situation? I know he's a "big guy," as you say, but I've known him for eight months and I don't think he would have attacked you and raped you if you excused yoursef. Even if you didn't want to leave (b/c I asked you not to leave him alone in my apartment), you could have said something to me right away. Instead, when I walked into the room, I was made a fool of. Why didn't you pull me aside right away and tell me that he had been inappropriate so that I could have some control of the situation? Instead, I ended up being an idiot in his stupid game, exactly like he wanted.

Also, you don't know him at all, so as far as you were concerned, he could have been sincerely coming on to you (although in a very unattractive way, I agree), but if he were hitting on you, I also should have known about it, n'est pas?

(blah, blah, blah...I'm skipping some parts here, but I basically tell her that he plays those sort of games with me non-stop and it wasn't about HER that day, but about Narc being an asshole to ME...)

He's more intentionally mean to me than he would be to anyone else, including a stranger. (Hence, why he was so nice to you, but kept dicking me around that weekend). I mean, even our conversation at Manchester pub was full of pointed hidden messages to me. (He was telling you that there's "no excuse" for a guy not to return your calls... Narc and I had been in a fight about that just two days before, and he said it to get to me, not to be nice to you.) His actions that day (and on Sunday at the bar) were all about his fucked up feelings for me. But the point is that you didn't necessarily know that, and you didn't say something either way.

It doesn't matter anymore because we're "broken up" for the forseeable future and he's a jack-ass and a bit of a misogynist all rolled up into one (just my type, right?) so there's no point in dwelling on it, but that said, it's been bothering me for a few weeks now because as friends, we HAVE to be able to trust each other, right? The incident made me feel stupid, and I feel like you should have said something as soon as I came in. I don't want to start a new fight with you or anything, but I can't understand this one.

(Then, onto the issue of my apartment:)

As for staying at my place, I suppose I can handle one to two nights max if you're really in an emergency. I don't want to be a bitch about it, and I do understand that you need the space, but I have to assert my own needs here too. I mean, if you didn't have me in the city, you would figure SOMETHING else out, so there have to be other possibilities, and I am going through a major family crisis. I just have so much pressing on me, and I don't think it's entirely fair of you to persist in asking for my help right now. That said, I'm always there for my friends at the bottom line, and if you are that desperate, I can try. Which nights were you thinking? I can try to work something out (but I can't promise).

Anyway, this email turned out much longer than expected and I'm really running late now. We can continue and figure this stuff out later.
Talk to you soon...

-Hyde

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Her response to me:

Okay...this is really not cool!

This is the whole reason I didn't tell you. I did absolutely nothing wrong here, and yet you're mad at me. I worried that would happen. Look, I was a houseguest in your home. I expected to spend time with you -- not Narc. Yet I saw more of Narc than you. That's fine. But I was put into an enormously uncomfortable situation. That's not my fault. Did it ever occur to you that you might apologize to *me* for my having been in such an uncomfortable situation while a guest in your home? Nobody I wasn't dating has ever gotten naked and masturbated in front of me before, Hyde. I had no idea how to handle the situation, so I ignored it. I worried that, given the fragility of our relationship lately, you might somehow get jealous that he was coming on to me, and take it out on me. I figured I'd tell you at some point, but in person, so it wouldn't be misinterpreted and we could talk about it. It made me really, really uncomfortable. I mean, that's so far outside the bounds of what I expect to happen when I stay at a friend's house.

I don't think you should be angry at me. I know you've been going through a difficult time and I didn't want to bring up one more upsetting thing, especially a) not knowing what's going on with him and b) worried that you'd misinterpret things. You know, I could have been upset with you for leaving me alone with someone who does stuff like that. But I'm not. I figure, whatever. I had no idea he was playing mindgames or humiliating you, but to get angry with me because my silence allowed him to "win" is ridiculous, and unfair. How was I supposed to know what kind of crazy game he was playing? This whole thing is way more fucked up and complicated than I thought. I thought it was straightforward -- he was coming on to me behind your back -- and I thought if I ignored it, it would be best for everyone, and I planned to tell you at some point in person because it's kind of delicate. I had no idea he was doing it to jab at you. I had NO idea that he was setting up some sort of bizarre game where he and I were "in the know" against you.

Please! This is RIDICULOUS. Nobody I know THINKS that way. It's just nuts. But you should not allow someone so evil to come between us. I would never do anything to hurt or upset you, and I was so dumbfounded, I'm still processing it. I didn't know what the hell to think. You should be mad at him, not me. As for him not being malicious...well, now it is abundantly clear that he is. The nice things I said about him were about me trying to find something nice to say about the man you loved. Also, I only had a surface impression of him, after all. I thought he was being a horny ass, but I didn't realize how malicious he was being -- how could I?

You've known him for 8 months but didn't trust him alone in your apartment; I didn't know what you meant by that, but I figured, Hmmm, she doesn't trust him alone with her stuff! And a guy who'll masturbate in front of his girlfriend's friend, whom he just met, is so far outside the bounds of normal appropriate behavior that I was, frankly, a little nervous. I worried that he might get physical with me or try to force something and didn't want to chance it by confronting him. I think you can understand that. I mean...I just have NO experience with this kind of situation! (Thankfully.) ...

His mindgames are NOT my problem...I had no idea what was going on!

...I wanted to tell you in person because it's so easy to misinterpret tone in an e-mail. I thought we'd see each other again soon. Also, it's not as if he were your boyfriend or husband -- in that case, if you catch the guy misbehaving, the woman definitely ought to know as soon as possible. But I was under the impression that you were just fuckbuddies and he was probably sleeping with other people, as were you. But I've heard several different opinions on this kind of thing -- should you tell your friend her man is misbehaving, or not? What if she takes her anger out on you instead of him? Etc. -- so it wasn't obvious to me what I should do. Some women sincerely don't want to know. I was planning to tell you in person, though...and I certainly wasn't going to bring it up now, with all the other stress you've got going on. Okay, that's enough about Narc. I love you and don't want you to be angry at me.

As for staying at your place, I won't ask again. I don't like to be in a position where I'm begging. I always thought that would be the sort of things friends would easily do for each other, and I've rarely asked a favor. When I say there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for my friends, I mean it. If any of my friends ever needed a place to crash, my spare room would be available indefinitely. I've had many, many people offer their couches to me to stay while I job-hunt -- people I hardly know, friends of my parents, my sister, even my friends in Barcelona. You happen to be the only person in Manhattan, besides being my closest friend, so I asked you. And you had offered to let me stay for a week back in Nov. or Dec. That's why I asked now; I'm finally ready to take you up on it.

That said, I do understand what you're going through. You've got so much going on, and it's all really draining, and you can't take on anything else right now. It *would* be an imposition, so I'm not going to ask again. I don't ever want to press for a favor. That's rude. If someone kindly offers something, that's one thing. I even thought it might be a nice thing right now for you to have someone there with you. As you said, what would I do if I didn't have you? Well, of course, if I didn't have friends, I'd have to find an alternative way to do things, and I will. But I do have friends, or at least I think I have friends, so I asked my friend for a favor first. When the chips are down, you turn to your friends. If they aren't there for you, you find another solution and learn a lesson.

I do understand how horrible your situation is right now, what with your brother and your family. Look, all I've ever tried to do is be a good friend. I've never taken advantage of anyone, never betrayed anyone, never been rude to anyone. Please don't let some idiot guy come between us -- and please try to understand my situation as well. Maybe we can talk by phone? I never am able to reach you; are you ever home?

Let's talk...

-Anxious
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Now I was really pissed off! My response to her:

Anxious,

I do think it's best if we talk in person or at least on the phone. I'm spilling over with feelings right now and I don't want this email to come out wrong. But I do have to respond.

First of all, on Narc--It's not like I'm mad at you INSTEAD of him. I'm mad at both of you. And even though he called us "fuck buddies," you know that he's been someone I've been talking about for a while and someone who's played a significant role in my life. The truth of the matter is that we had been seeing each other exclusively since November and he told me that he loves me as early as late September. The details of our relationship shouldn't matter though. A guy I'm with did something sexual in your presence, and I should have known about it from you.

Obviously you're not responsible for him acting like an ass, but I strongly l think you should have said something to me straight out. Girls have to stick together. If he was "deceiving" me on any level, it's incredibly disempowering to not have that information and to not be able to make a choice about how to deal with it. I think it's just plain weird for you to have had clearly negative information about someone I'm in a relationship with and not tell me about it. Just to protect yourself from my "awful wrath?" You should know that we can talk things out no matter what. You should trust our friendship enough to believe that I know you and that I know him and I know which one of you is the asshole and which one is the long-term friend. You say you "did absolutely nothing wrong here," and I agree in terms of what went down while I wasn't there. In fact, if you had told me right away I would have been extremely apologetic to you (even though I'm not responsible for his erratic behavior). But I think it was very wrong not to tell me about it as soon as possible--as in as soon as I walked in the door that afternoon. It makes me sick to think that I was on the phone with you while he was doing that and you didn't say ANYTHING!

As for staying at my place, I think it's INCREDIBLY unfair of you to imply that I'm a bad friend for asserting myself. Well, I'm sorry for being a piece of shit. You're obviously such a superior person. After all, if any of your friends need a place, "your spare room would be available indefinitely." It's so very clear what you're implying when you say that you have so "many, many people offer their couches" to you while you job hunt, including "people you hardly know." I'm a shit friend. I'm selfish. I'm not there for those I love. I've disappointed you. Even mere acquaintences treat you better.

Well, FUCK THAT. First of all, I don't have a "spare room." My living room is my living space. Second of all, please don't insult me like that. I have always been there for those I love and I always will be. That doesn't mean that it has to come at my own expense when my brother is lying brain-dead and fighting for his life. Who's the selfish one here?

You say that you "understand what I'm going through," but you obviously have NO FUCKING CLUE what this is like. If you did, you would be asking what you can do for ME instead of asking what I can do for YOU. If you understood even a little, you certainly wouldn't imply that I'm a bad friend for needing my own space in which to cope with an excrutiating painful and difficult situation.

I really don't want to be in a fight with you. I'm willing to forget all about the Narc thing and move on because I said my bit, and I know that you heard me. I know that you weren't trying to hurt me, but I hope should this (bizarre incident) ever happen again, you would repsond differently. He's a dick and there's no point in dwelling on it. I am, however, really upset right now at the tone of your emails to me, especially in terms of the apartment thing. To tell you the truth, I can't fucking deal with this right now and you clearly have no idea what this is like for me.

That said, let's talk soon because I don't want this to fester and turn bad. I'm hard pressed for "down-time" these days, but should be home tomorrow between my class and before boxing (so from 5:00-7:00-ish). Is that a good time to talk?

Hyde
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Her response (which I read this morning):

I can't take all this fighting. I'm going through a difficult time right now and I don't like fighting. So yes, I want to talk.

(In terms of how I said she called me a bad friend, etc.): Oh, come on, I never said any of that. If I implied it I'm sorry. But I sure as heck didn't mean it to sound that way. You misunderstand -- I'm just explaining why I thought it was okay to ask. It just didn't seem like such a big deal because so many people said, "Hey, if you need a place to stay, you can crash with me/my daughter/etc. for a week." So I was just saying that to explain why I thought it wasn't that big a deal to ask. It's HARD to ask favors. I only do it when I'm desperate. Can you understand that? That's why I bent over backwards with justifications for why I thought it was okay to ask. Oh, come on. Neither of us is selfish. Just worked up.

(In terms of how I say she should be asking "what she can do for ME"): Excuse me -- but I have been all along. I've called you often to ask how you were. I've always asked if there was anything I could do. And I would do anything for you. But you don't need anything from me. You have all the emotional and financial resources you need from your family, and you've never really called on me in need. I wish you would. You would really find out how much I do care.

I didn't call you a bad friend. I'm disappointed that you can't be there for me when I need you, but I also thought I made it clear -- and if I didn't, I'm making it clear now -- that I understand why you can't. You have to take care of yourself first. Everybody does. And right now you don't have anything to offer anyone else. I do understand that. You're not a shit friend, come on.

(On Narc): Frankly, I didn't understand the situation AT ALL. I didn't understand your relationship, his intentions, any of it. There is no set rule for how to respond, and I've never been put in that situation before. I wanted to talk about it, but recall that just two days later, you started dealing with this stuff with your brother, and I had no idea you'd want to hear more bad stuff on top of that, so I figured it could wait until we saw each other. (I have to add that it was NOT just two days later, but more like 10!) Maybe we should have ground rules for what to do when the man you're seeing does something totally inappropriate. I just never dealt with a situation like that before. Some women want to know everything; others definitely prefer to turn a blind eye; and still others say they want to know, then shoot the messenger.

Hyde, you need to realize that I didn't know which category you fell into here.

Or maybe I should've just fucked him while you were at your lesson, as long as you were going to get mad at both of us.

Guess what? My life is hard too and it's been harder lately because my erstwhile best friend keeps picking fights with me. I can't deal with it either. And I realize I sounded really testy about the apartment thing. But we can talk about that tomorrow too.

It's already bad. I'm hurt and pissed off and really getting tired of people getting mad at me for what strikes me as no good reason. But let's talk tomorrow around 5. I mean, at least you're telling me you're mad at me. That's progress. E-mail exchanges like these, by the way, are EXACTLY why I was waiting to talk to you about your shit-ass boyfriend in person. Just shooting daggers back and forth really doesn't go anywhere.

-Anxious

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Well, I'm a sucker, so I wrote back a quickie:

Anxious,

I don't want to be in a fight. I don't think either of us is a bad person or a bad friend. We're both under stress and both of us are pissed off right now, but I'm sure we'll work it out. I didn't mean to "pick a fight" with you. Neither one of us is good at being totally open about our feelings so it comes out akward and harsh, but I think we'll get better at it...

I love you, okay?
Let's work it out at 5:00...

-H

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Now we'll just have to wait and see what happens...

I'll post the rest of Monday's events later. Have to get to class now...