Well, it looks like that's it.
It looks like my letter this morning did the trick and that Narc and I are officially "broken up."
He wrote back to me at around 9:45 (shockingly early for him!):
Hyde--
The honest truth is that I simply cannot deal with the drama and the crying fits any longer.
It would be best if you moved on.
Narc
His e-mail completely proves my point. He didn't say "Hyde, I don't care about you," or "Hyde, you're making more out of our relationship than there ever was." Instead, he said "Hyde, I can't deal with your feelings. I can't deal with emotions in general, so it's best for me if you go away so that you will stop challenging me." His letter is clear, but I still have no doubt that he loves me.
On the other hand, I hate that he has to couch it in a way that makes it all my fault. Of course, he has always been totally rational, whereas I have always been "dramatic," "hysterical" and "irrational." Whatever...he treats me so badly and then when I cry he makes that the reason that we can't be together! He makes me cry and then gets mad at me for crying. It's so typical...
(Of course, there's that not-so-little voice in my head that says "Why did you go over there on Friday night? You knew you were upset about your brother... Why did you go cry in front of him? This is all your fault because you couldn't hold it together!")
I wanted to write something back to him. I guess I just wanted to wish him well and leave the door open because I do still love him. At least I won't have to have any guilt over fucking the Stallion now. (Well, unless you count feeling guilty because he has a girlfriend, but she's his responsibility and not mine...)
So, here's what I wrote:
Dear Narc,
Thanks for writing back so soon. While I'm saddened by your reply, I sincerely wish you well and hope that we can stay in touch. I guess I'll do what I have to do now. But while I'll surely move on emotionally, I know that I'm going to miss you. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other again under less difficult circumstances.
Good luck with everything.
Lots of love (as always),
Hyde
I know...kind of pathetic, right? Well, I guess that's just who I am. And I've always been ruled by the heart, foolish or not...
Anyway, I was planning on writing and telling you all about my boxing adventures, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. I feel a little sick and flooded with feeling and I'm not sure what to do with all of it right now. I wonder if that's really it for me and Narc. I wonder if I'll ever see him or hear from him again. I hope that I don't miss him too much. But I'm afraid that I already do.
3 comments:
Stay strong Hyde! You did the right thing at this moment in your life. Ride that Stallion!!!!! I'll be busy myself Friday night. Not that I want you thinking about me while your riding that guy, but know that I'll be in the same situation as you. Kinda.
Damn, I have to come to NYC so we can sulk in each other's company. We definatly look at men the same way. I know how it is to let your heart rule you. I do the same. Just look at my Mmmmm situation. He has told me to my face he doesn't know if he can be faithful to me and it's only a matter of time before he sleeps with someone else. Yet, I'm staying around, just waiting for that to happen, waiting to get hurt. I know it's coming, but I'm still gonna stick it out with him till I get hurt. Then I will blog about it and you can console me.
Relationships....they are a vicious circle.
So go have fun Friday night as many times as you can : )
Feel like I'm invading a girly chat here, but Sunshine is right.
You must stay strong.
Aah, wouldn't it be nice to be reffered to as a stallion?
Donkey would be more up my street!
Thank you guys so much. I'm having a really hard day today, but your comments made me smile. Flash--about your comment on my other post ("Letter to Narc")--you didn't "overstep;" it's good to get the feedback, even if it's something that's difficult to hear. Hope you both are well...
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