In Cold Crater

I'm in a black hole today. It started at 1:45.

I received the following text from Narc:

Off the alcohol and the radar whilst continuing to write and get in shape for the shoot. Am seeing someone. Won't be able to see you for a while. Be well.

Okay, translation:

You, Hyde, are nothing but a bad habit--just like alcohol. I'm trying to be productive which means scrapping you, but when I feel like a fuck, I may give you a call. That's why I say "in a while." Oh, and just so you know--there are other girls out there who I actually respect. That's why I say I'm "seeing someone" whereas with you-- I would never throw you a crumb of compassion. That's because you're worth shit (as I like to tell you all the time when I drink).

I don't know, guys... Maybe I am just "alcohol" to him after all. I can't stand it though. I've been so depressed today. I spent the afternoon vomiting after I got his message and then went to therapy. After that I went to pick up some books from the library and bumped into both Hammer and B. On my way home, I stopped over at Cheers and downed three glasses of Jack. At least Mr. Daniels hasn't rejected me. I mean, c'mon Narc! I was with the man for eight months, and he wouldn't even go on a date with me. Now he's saying he's "seeing someone," so he has to be "faithful" to her and can't see me "for a while?" What the hell? How is he so committed so fast? I just fucked him last week!!!

I bet that he's not in a relationship. I bet that he's just had a few dates and fucked another girl (as indicated by his lovely Easter message to me, informing me that he "just got home" at 7:30 am). I don't know. I was sick and depressed all day and now I'm sick and drunk and depressed. I need to try to sober up before NextDoorNeighbor's dinner party. I invited Bezoukhoff who I haven't seen in quite a while.

I hate life
I hate Narc
I hate myself most of all
I hate all of this.
I try and try and try to make people happy--especially Narc, and all I get in return is degradation. I mean, for him, Hyde = Booze. That's not all that I am. How could he have held me last week and said "love me," and now this? He just doesn't care. He doesn't give a shit. I don't know why I even try...

I suppose that in the long run, it's for the best. I know I don't want him in my life, but it still hurts anyway. Where are all the nice guys out there? When will someone come along who actually sees me for who I am?

Sorry for the ramble. I'm just feeling outside of myself and outside of the world right now. I wish I could just pass out or something...

Maybe later... Maybe Mr. Daniels will be merciful tonight.

-hyde on whiskey-