Le Weekend

I started writing this post at almost 4:00 pm on Saturday, but got sidetracked and didn't get back to it until now--nearly 1:00 am on Sunday night. On Friday after managing to survive my teaching obligations on only three hours of sleep I came home and crashed. Later that afternoon, B came over to pick up some opera tickets. The next opera on my series (Samson et Dalila-- following the La Boheme I missed thanks to Narc) was on Saturday, but I opted not to go in the interest of getting some school work done. So much for that... I ended up wasting much of Saturday afternoon doing nothing. After B left on Friday (at around 6:30) I watched some TV and tried to fight off my utter exhaustion. I talked to Hammer for a few hours on the phone and lounged around for a few more hours, until I found myself reapplying my makeup at about 11:00 and pulling on my high-heeled boots. I just don't have the mental ability to be "still" right now. There's too much swimming around in me. I decided to kill some time at Cheers. On my way out I sent Narc a text:

Wanted to apologize-- Sorry 4 drunk-txtng u last night. Just under a lot of stress right now. Anyway, see u around... -Hyde

Who knows if it was the right thing to do or what he was thinking when he received it, but I didn't want my last contact with him to be a drunk message.

Anyway, Cheers was realtively empty for a Friday night and I quickly found a seat at the bar. I ended up next to DJ, a regular who I haven't seen in a while since he was hit by a car outside the bar a few months ago and is still having trouble with one of his legs. I always find him a little irritating, but we managed to make some small talk. FightingMensch was there too, but avoided talking to me for a while. I think it's because he didn't know how to address or whether to bring up the situation with my brother, and felt uncomfortable about it. I warmed things up by ignoring my "issues," instead asking him about his upcoming trip. He's going to Cancun for "spring break." (Even though he's 30 years old and works on Wall street, he still wants to try his luck with drunk college freshmen). Ah, men...

Anyway, at around 11:30 the Stallion called me. He said he was meeting another friend at midnight, but wanted to meet up with me for after-hours. I told him that I might not be up that late, but that I'd let him know. A bit later, my super and his wife showed up at the bar. I think I may have mentioned this before--my super is good friends with PumpedUp's dad, and is actually the one who first introduced me around Cheers. I chatted with them for a while and belted out my usual karaoke numbers. It was fun to have a personal audience. Damn, I need to find better performance opporunities than drunk karaoke!

Two other girls from my building were there as well. I'll just call them "the Fourth Floor girls." They're two roomates who live on the 4th floor of my building. (They have a third friend they're always with that doesn't live in my building, but she wasn't there on Friday). I haven't seen the trio in months, although throughout October and November they were at Cheers almost every week. While I'm not really friends with them, we've all conversed a few times, culminating with a strange conversation about MarriedGuy--a guy I had a very very brief fling with this fall. My thing with MarriedGuy turned strange (don't feel like explaining), and then a few weeks later, I saw him courting one of the Fourth Floor girls. That evening, on line for the ladies room, I told her a little of what I knew about him. A week or so later MarriedGuy confronted me in the bar and asked me why I had "bad-mouthed" him to the Fourth Floor girl. I was surprised, because I hadn't really told her anything too negative about him, but I learned a lesson about bar-room gossip. I never talk to anyone there about anyone else who frequents the bar anymore. Another night that I "bonded" with the Fourth Floor girls was the night I showed up at Cheers with a bruised eye (another incident I don't feel like explaining). Everyone at the bar assumed that Narc had turned abusive and had hit me. Even though I insisted time and again that he hadn't, no one would believe me. The Fourth Floor girls took it upon themselves to pep talk me all night about being a "strong woman." With those two episodes in mind, when I saw them on Friday, they asked me both if I had seen MarriedGuy recently (the answer was "no"), and whether I was still with "that asshole" (the answer was "until Wednesday").

Overall, it was a fun night. I was drinking hard and fast (by my count around 13 drinks in the two and a half hours I was there)--an all around good time. But I knew that I was getting wasted and had almost reached my tipping point. I decided that it was in my best interest to head home soon. So at around 1:00 am I texted the Stallion:

I'm probably heading home in an hour or so, so if u want to fuck, sooner is better than later...

I guess that got his attention because he called me pretty quickly, telling me that he and his friend would meet me at Cheers. But by the time they arrived, I had already "tipped." As such, my memory of the rest of the night is a little blurry. I remember that I kept trying to kiss the Stallion at the bar, even though the night before I was embarassed of that kind of public display. The Stallion was surprised at how much I drank.

At some point his friend took off and we headed back to my place. I don't remember anything else. All I know is that when I woke up Saturday morning I was alone in my bed and I was wearing my t-shirt and sweats. Venturing into the living room, I found two half-finished glasses of SoCo on my coffee table and some cigarette butts in the ashtray, (but thankfully this time no used condoms lying about). I also found a huge bottle of gateorade which must have been purchased the night before, and which I gratefully drank to ease my headache. For a while I was worried about what had happened and whether I had embarassed myself in front of the Stallion. As soon as I woke up, I sent him a text:

Hey, sorry SO drunk last night. Just a lot on my mind (u know what I mean). Next time let's meet up w/o alcohol! -Hyde

A few hours later he called me back and said that everything was fine and that he had fun. I told him I didn't remember anything, and I don't think he was too happy about that. (Men and their pride!) He told me that he left my place at 7:00 am. I have no recollection of any of it, even though I woke up only an hour and a half later. He said that he thought he would "take me up on that dinner offer" and asked if I were free for Saturday night. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Did I offer to make him dinner? Or to take him out? (And why?) In any event, I told him I had to go to the hospital, but that we should try to meet up again before he takes off next week.

The rest of Saturday I spent watching too much TV and being slightly depressed. VJ called me from Chicago where she went for the weekend, and updated me on her personal drama. Hammer also had a spat with her boyfriend and we gossiped about it on the phone for a while. I told Hammer that I wanted to make a change, and we impulsively decided to dye our hair. I threw my weekend stuff together in a bag, planning to head to the hospital straight from Hammer's, and set off. On the street corner, I saw a bum take a piss right in the open. It was pretty disgusting. Passing Cheers, I saw BarMan setting up for the evening. I knocked on the door and he let me in. I asked him what color I should do my hair, and he advised me to leave my hair alone and to get a tounge piercing instead. I wasn't about to take him up on that advice, so after some more banter, I caught a cab to Hammer's place.

Hammer and I sped to pick out hair colors at the pharmacy and then made a quick stop at the Gourmet Grocery for some things she needed. Back at her place we colored our hair and entertained ourselves with a "Glamor" quiz, the I Ching and some Turkish food. Hammer had a leak in her bathroom ceiling above the shower. When we discovered it was toilet water from the apartment above, it grossed us both out. Her hair came out a little too yellow, and mine--a little bit brighter than it was, although it is still brownish-red and not that different from where I started. So much for a major change...

I left her place for Penn Station and got to Long Island around 10:00. My mom was already on her way home from the hospital when she and BigSis picked me up, so I just went back to the house with them. My stepfather stayed at the hospital overnight. The next day I got to the hospital around noon and stayed until 7:15 pm. The whole thing was a kind of morbid family reunion. My grandfather's in from Florida this week, so he was there. Of course, my two step-sisters were there with their mom and grandmother. My mom's sister and her husband and their younger daughter were there too. Later I saw a whole slew of step-cousins, along with my step-father's sister and his ex-sister-in-law. A few of my step-brother's friends showed up too, along with his girlfriend who's been keeping a pretty much non-stop vigil. My LilSis was there for most of the afternoon as well, with her boyfriend JBC. In terms of my stepbrother's progress, there's pretty much nothing monumental to report. It was all just a lot more of the stench of sadness and an unbearable indigestible combination of hope and dispair.

BigSis and I caught a 7:45 train back to the city and I headed straight back to Hammer's. I had plans with her and the Wizard (her boyfriend) to go see that new Hitler movie--Downfall. The movie started at 9:00 and was pretty long--about 2 1/2 hours. It was a great movie though... A lot of food for thought and very entertaining. I'm still turning it over in my head so there's not much else to say about it right now.

After the movie we went for hot chocolate and I got a cab back to my place. The city seemed so desolate and lonely--everything closed and hardly anyone on the streets. I called B. (I think it was just after midnight). He was sleeping so I quickly apologized.

"I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I love you," I said.

"Alright. Goodnight, Hyde." he said.

I felt myself sinking in the cab. I wanted to call Narc so badly. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere where I could be held and be safe. There's just too much pain in my life right now, and the empty streets jeeringly confirmed it all. My heart was aching for Narc, but not really for Narc, you know? I mean, I knew that if I called him what I was aching for would not be there. It's just the illusion or the lie that I told myself for all those months. There was just nothing to do except sit alone with my feelings and try to bear it on my own.

Before the cab reached my corner, B called me back.

"I can't sleep now!' he told me.

I guess I was supposed to feel guilty for waking him up.

"I'm so so sorry!" I said. "Please don't be mad at me. I didn't know you were asleep. I just had this moment of complete despair and I needed to reach out to someone..." etc. I went on and on.

We talked about a few other things, but he kept reminding me that I had woken him up.

"I'm sorry!" I insisted.

I walked to the deli and bought a bottle of Zinfandel. I walked back to my place. B and I were still on the phone. He asked about my brother and I started to cry. I was getting tired. I asked him if he were still mad at me.

"To be honest," he said, "yes I am. I'm not going to act on it, but I am mad at you."

Well, "to be honest," I just can't take that right now. I started crying even more. I didn't know what to say so I told him we better hang up.

"Why did you call me then?" he asked.

"Please, let's not start all of this," I said. "I just can't think straight right now. There's just too much pain and too many feelings all at once. I don't want to get into all of this."

"Fine, goodnight." He hung up the phone.

I just feel numb and drained now. I'm drinking my bottle of wine and when it's finished I'll go to bed. Blogging helps with the feelings of isolation I guess, and tomorrow's another day. Back to teaching bright and early. Let's hope the week ahead brings some good news.

That's it for the report on my weekend...