Orpheus

Che Faro senza Euridice?
Dove Andro senza il mio ben?
Che faro? Dove Andro?
Che faro senza il mio ben?
Dove Andro senza il mio ben?

I fell asleep at 9:00 pm last night. I guess my body needed it. My throat hurts so fucking much this morning; I hope I get over it fast. It's not even 8:00 am, but it should give me some time to get some of my reading out of the way this morning.

Yesterday afternoon, after lunch with Hammer, I went to see "Downfall" (that Hitler movie) with B (second time for me). I think that movie is really just incredible. Afterwards we went for dinner in the East Village. Lately things have been different with him though. I've sensed a gulf between us. He is so far away from me. I know him so well, and I am so tuned in to every shift in his mood, that even though nothing has changed between us on the surface, the subtle screen that he has raised feels like a brick wall to me. It's like we're not "sharing" the world anymore. There's him; and then there's me. I asked him about it and he acknowledged that it's there.

"Some things that I want to talk about, or need to talk about, or that are on my mind are not appropriate to discuss with you," he said.

I felt my heart breaking. He's probably right, but it made me feel very alone. He doesn't want me to be his partner anymore.

We were standing on 6th street after dinner and had to part ways. He had to go towards 2nd avenue and I had to walk over to 1st. I was Orpheus walking into hell and forced myself to stare straight ahead as I went. Unlike Orpheus, I did not turn around. It made me miserably depressed. B is leaving me. It's as if I'm just floating in this world now, rootless, without a home. He's always been my "soft place to land," but he doesn't feel like home anymore.

Ah non m'avanza piu soccorso, piu speranza
ne dal mondo ne dal ciel!

When I got back to my place, it was only 7:30 or so. I wasn't sure of my plans for the night, but c'mon--Friday night? Something fun had to be going on. I have to say, though--I was exhausted. I felt really run down. Must have been the mere two-three hours of sleep I was permitted the night before after the Stallion's surprise visit. The more I think about that, the more I'm turned off to the Stallion all together. I mean, the sex wasn't even all that pleasurable for me--more painful and disturbing than anything else. Besides, what attracted me to him in the first place was his easy-going, carefree, joyful spirit, not all the accusatory dramatic shit that went down between us on Thursday! I talked to Liu for a while on the phone yesterday, and repeating it all to her kind of cemented it for me. (By the way Liu-- don't forget to call me and tell me how things go with your dad!)

So I passed out early last night (and made it through another night without getting drunk!). I missed phone calls from VJ and NextDoorNeighbor (who apparently had a date last night), BulgarianGuy and a text from Hammer. VJ told me that she had been here ringing my bell and even went by Cheers looking for me; the bouncer was all concerned that she find me. I guess I was really sleeping like a rock. I feel a little uncomfortable about going back to Cheers after that awkwardness with the flirty Columbian and after what the Stallion said. Also, I left IrishBird two texts to call me and she hasn't called back. What's up with that? I was hoping for a call from Narc, even a drunk call, even one I would have slept through. It was not forthcoming. This morning I'm sad about that too. This morning my heart is aching when I think about him. I wonder what he's doing; I wonder if he has found someone else, or if he's home at the end of the night being depressed, just like me...

Today I'm going to the opera with my mom--Cavalleria Rusticana & Pagliacci. It will be nice to get some alone time with her, but I just hope I don't say anything to give her any concern for my "lifestyle," you know? I don't want her to know that my throat hurts and that I'm run down.

That's it for now. I'm going to shower and dress and try to get out of this depresso-mode. Doing my Adorno reading should get my mind off things. My cat is going crazy again right now. He is leaping around on the couch and making a lot of noise by trying to shimmy behind the blinds. It looks sunny out today. Maybe the day will bring some fabulous adventure and by tonight, my whole world will have changed. You never know...

-hyde

PS: Today's the 1 month anniversary of the night I left Narc the "goodbye forever" note.
:-<