I can't help it, but my Narc thoughts are absolutely torturing me. I just wrote him this email, but haven't sent it yet. I figured I'd put it up on my blog instead and maybe that will help to keep me from sending it. Maybe it'll help get it out of my system. I'm not sure... Anyway, I'm off to boxing in a few minutes. I'll probably write more later tonight, but for now, here is my email. (Do you guys think I should send it? Would it make me feel better?)
Dear Narc,
I know I left you a note on Saturday morning that said "goodbye forever," and I know that at this point, I'm becoming a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" with my goodbyes, but there's something more I needed to say. My note was absolutely sincere and I'm not taking it back. I guess I just had to ask you one more time if you want to change anything about our relationship before I write the whole thing off in my head forever. (Do you remember in December when you said you wanted to "renegotiate" our relationship? I guess that's what I'm asking you now...)
The past few days have been really stressful for me, especially when I think of you. I have to pretend on the outside that I'm strong for my family, but I've been concealing a very open wound. I can't hold things together like this forever. I need to do the work to heal the wound, whether it's through saying goodbye to you or changing my interactions with you. You've made it pretty clear that you're not willing to bend, but I feel weird closing the door without any discussion or any kind of real goodbye.
There's a lot about this and about you that confuses me. You say and do things that leave me completely disoriented. Then you seem to think it's strange when I get emotional. For example, your email to me last week was so reassuring and comforting, but when I asked you for some emotional support, you really didn't want to offer it. Or, the Saturday before Valentine's when we met at Bar and Books, you told me that you wondered why we came into each other's lives, that you see me in a way that others can't and that you feel a strong connection to me. Later in the weekend you said that you love me, and whether or not you meant it, I felt very close to you. Yet Anxious tells me that in the same weekend while I was out at my voice lesson that you came on to her, walked around my house naked and masterbated in front of her (while in conversation with her). I mean, come on Narc, she's my friend. What should I make of that?
I didn't bring it up to you at the time and I've tried to be casual about everything before and since. I've tried to stop caring so much about you since you've told me time and again to "take up other guys on their offers." I know we've never been in a formal relationship and you've made that very clear, in between telling me (in words and actions) how much I mean to you. I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't want to accept any other "offers" and that I don't want things to be so casual. Bottom line-- as hard as I try, I just can't fit my feelings for you and about this into the box that you're offering me.
I know that the right thing to do right now is to walk away. I don't think things are going to change between us; I know that you think I'm "bad for you" (although I wholeheartedly disagree), but the thought of never seeing you again makes me endlessly sad. I feel like you've hurt me so many times but I still don't care. Maybe there's something wrong with me that I keep returning to a situation that is frustrating and painful. If that's the case, it's my problem and not yours, and one that I need to resolve on my own. So why am I writing this email? I guess I just want a little more closure. I don't want to end things with a hastily scribbled heartbroken note from a hung-over Saturday morning.
If you really didn't care about me, I'm sure that this email along with many of my actions would seem ridiculous. But I can't believe that you don't care about me, no matter what you say or do. I've FELT that you care, and foolish or not, I always trust my feelings. So I know that on some level this letter must make sense to you. What you do with it is up to you. I know you think that I can't really "love" you right now, and maybe by your standards I don't. But you're much more rational about things than I am. All I know is my own heart, and by my heart, I do.
I need the closure more than ever because I need the energy to be with my brother and my family and to maintain my work at school and with teaching. My brother isn't doing any better. We're still not sure if he's going to make it. But I don't want to get into all that now.
Anyway, I guess I've said my piece.
I hope that you're well and that I hear back from you soon.
Lots of love,
Hyde
3 comments:
Hyde,
Even if you send this, he won't write back. As i read your posts, i thought about how his whole existence is a preparation for a time when he'll be alone and alienated. Your absense is no threat to him. He is ready to be alone, and yet he'll have you on his terms as he wants. He won't write back, perhaps won't even read the thing. He may just call you sometime next week at 4am, and say "come over." There's nothing you can do or say that will get to him. He's ready for utter alienation at every turn. Now with that knowledge, you decide if you still feel like sending the letter. How much more blunt can i be? He doesn't care, Hyde! We all do, and many of your suitors do, but he doesn't!
-Hammer
Hammer,
You're totally right that his whole existence is "preparation for alientation" and you're totally right that he is already isolated and won't let me in on the deepest level which is why it's so easy for him to push me away, but I disagree that he doesn't care. I think he does care. I think he cares too much and that's why he has to be mean to me. He could just ignore me, but he doesn't. He does a push and pull because he's really confused. I KNOW that I got to him on a level that's deeper than he wanted. Do you remember my December emails to him? He read them each 4 or 5 times. He would read this message. I just don't think he would ever write back. I don't think he'll ever change. It's either accept him on his terms or forget the whole thing. Which leaves me in an impossible position--his terms are hurtful and I can't accept them, but I love him and I can't forget the whole thing either. I feel stuck and depressed. I'm going to try to stay away, but it's hard when my every other thought is that maybe it's better to just jump back in and do everything the way he wants... At least I'm heading back to Long Island tomorrow night. I'll be able to focus on family and put this thing to rest at least for a day or two. Maybe I'm sick, but I really do feel like I'm in love. Love, Love, Love.
:(
-Hyde
Oh Hyde,
I don't feel right about this at all. I mean what gives me the right to lecture anybody?
But COME ON!
His actions in front of Anxious should tell you enough.
Admittedly, I only know you from what I've read on these pages but you seem to be an intelligent, fun-loving & (if the amount of guys who come onto is any guide) attractive woman. The guy is destructive & is clearly destroying you. If you send the e-mail I don't see that it will change his attitude. He will no doubt call you again the next time he wants to fuck you (and that really freaked me out when you told him to stop & he carried on anyway, we call that rape). I'm so sorry for all this but I feel that your goodbye forever note is much better closure than the e-mail.
You also should listen to those people around you in New York because none of them seem to have a good word to say about him.
I sincerely hope that I haven't overstepped the mark as the last thing I want to do is bring more upset into your life.
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