Don't Know How...

Ugghhh! I was a bad girl last night. Yet again... I hate myself sometimes. My beautiful cat is being a maniac right now and leaping all over the place. At least he loves me!

Before things went wrong, yesterday was actually a really productive day for me. I taught, went to a department luncheon for prospective students, and spent three hours in the library. I came home, did some more reading, and spoke to Sunshine on the phone for about an hour. Then I ate dinner and headed to Cheers. I like going there on weeknights when it's quiet. I hung out with BarMan for most of the time... IrishBird too.

Two of the FourthFloor girls were there. They told me that they had just been at a "Click at a Flick" event. They didn't know it was a singles event (they both have boyfriends). Basically, you show up at those things, buy a movie ticket, enjoy a two hour open bar (with "facilitators" around to help the akward conversation) and then go watch the movie. I've never been to one, but have heard about them. They said they met a really nice guy and thought of me--that he would be a good match for me. First of all, that's TOTALLY weird because I hardly know these girls; second of all, they gave me the guy's business card. Do they think I'm going to call an absolute stranger who didn't even give me his card himself?

Anyway, I told them as much and they said they would invite him to Cheers sometime and then I could just "show up" and meet him. That I agreed to, but I still think the whole thing was a little strange. Like I said--I've only seen these girls once or twice in the past three months!

I was getting pretty drunk. Later, after the FourthFloor girls left, a couple sitting at a nearby table asked IrishBird what happened to their table service.

"Sorry, table service is over," she said. "You'll have to come up to the bar."

"I can bring them a drink, I don't care," I told her.

"No. C'mon Hyde, you don't work here..."

I got up anyway and asked the couple what they wanted. The man was a little rude, acted as if I were a waitress and was very dismissive. I took their order to IrishBird anyway.

"No! I told you they had to come up here on their own." She looked irritated.

BarMan smiled at me. "It's okay Hyde, you're heart was in the right place, but leave it alone."

She pulled me aside a few minutes later.

"Listen, Hyde. Everything we do here, we do for a reason," she said. "Please don't disrespect me and go on and do something like that again."

She kept on, being pretty harsh on me. Why would she think I don't respect her? I felt like she hates me. I felt like I'm disappointing everyone right and left... Not good enough for anyone. It was a punch in the stomach.

"Of course I respect you," I said. "Sorry."

I have been so on edge lately. Like I said in my last post--I'm living on the verge of tears. Maybe that's what I should change the name of my blog to--"on the verge of tears." I couldn't keep my emotions in check so I got up and went into the bathroom. I sat down on the edge of the toilet and started to cry. I had to constantly dab at my cheeks and under my eyes so that my eyemakeup wouldn't run. Finally, I composed myself enough to go out. I flipped open my cell phone to pretend that I had gone into the bathroom to make a phone call where it was more quiet. Coming out of the bathroom, I bumped into IrishBird on the way in. She was looking for me. I got the feeling that BarMan told her she had upset me.

"I didn't mean to be harsh on you, Hyde. It's just that those people have a habit of walking out on their tab. I needed to keep an eye on them--pay as they go kind of thing. I'm a nice person. I take care of my customers. I had a reason for it, that's all..."

"No, it's totally fine," I said.

"Well, you look upset."

"I'm upset about something else...I was just arguing with my friend on the phone, that's all."

I walked back over to the bar and she followed me.

"It's fine," I said. "I was just talking to B and he gets mad at me when I drink, that's all."

I couldn't help it though. I started to cry again. IrishBird gave me a big hug and started to wipe away my tears.

"What's wrong, Hyde?" BarMan asked.

"Nothing... Nothing. I mean, I don't know... I just feel like I can't do it lately. Like I don't kow how-- Well, maybe it's just that I'm not a good person. Nothing I do is good enough or the right thing, you know?" (I guess I was thinking of Narc among other things. I've just been overwhelmed lately.)

"Don't be silly," IrishBird hugged me again.

I did my best to pull myself together. They started making jokes so that I would laugh.

Later on in the evening, it was just me and a few boys left at the bar. IrishBird wanted me to reprise my opera concert from last Wednesday so that BarMan could hear me. I was wasted, but I ran home and got my music. One of the guys there fell for me after hearing me sing. He was a total wall-street/frat-boy type, flashing wads of $100's. He came over and asked me to leave with him. IrishBird pulled me aside and told me that he has a girlfriend. I asked for my check. It was over $50.00. The guy paid for the whole thing. Okay...

I left with him and he started kissing me in the cab and telling me how "beautiful" I am when I sing. We went to some bar up on 84th street. I was wasted. I hardly remember anything. I don't remember getting home. IrishBird called me this morning and said she called to check on me last night. When I answered the phone last night, I was so wasted I couldn't really talk at all. She said that I had passed the phone off to the Wall Street guy. She asked him if I was okay and he said that he promised to get me home safely.

This morning I had a blood test scheduled (for my blood sugar stuff). I slept through it, but did make it up to teach (despite the lingering drunkeness). I couldn't find my cell phone or my key anywhere. Later I found the phone with the doorman. Someone had found it in the hall and turned it in over there.

Today I found in my pocket an honorary police badge issued to the brother of someone who died in 9/11. Don't know how it got there or whose it is. Does it belong to the wall street guy? Or was I talking to someone else? At least I didn't fuck anyone last night.

I have to go to therapy in an hour. I have to confront my drinking problem. I might be ready to say that I'm an alcoholic, but I can't. I just can't do this anymore. I feel like my body betrays me. I mean, I didn't ask for this. I don't want it at all. The issue is just so loaded for me. I feel like a failure. I don't want to confront that. I don't want to be weak or to have failed. I want to be able to fix this on my own. Last night I told BarMan that I think I might be an alcoholic and he said "Um, yea! You think?" laughingly. He's concerned though. IrishBird is concerned. Hammer has told me that she's concerned. B is concerned more than anyone. He said that he's known it for a long time. It cemented in his head that week back in September when I slept "in the gutter" and still didn't change my ways.

My eyes are stinging.
My head hurts.

I don't know how to do this...

I don't know how...