I Love Hammer!

Hammer is a texting-fiend like me. Here is a small sample of her delightful words from the past two days:

On SingMan: How soon b4 he becomes a minger?
On Narc: Can he get a sleeping erection?
On Life: My life relies on the infinite possibilities that lie ahead.
On Travel: Let's go to Amsterdam and Paris. Would be really fun. Wanna?
On Culture-Night: Wanna smoke pot and then see Munch at MoMA?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hammer is in DC this weekend, but thanks to texting, she's never far!

I'm on my break from teaching right now, and I'm working on a mega-post to cover yesterday's adventures.

Later!

h

(PS: There are a lot of exclamation points in this post. Is that bad?)

(PPS: I just sent this text to Narc-- "One down & one to go! Growl... I want to be eating soda bread and drinking green beer!")

Happy St. Patty's Day!

A Busy Bee

I am a busy bee today.

The morning: A house call to Narc. Lots of sex. Very nice. Couchsleeper in the other room. Very old school.

The afternoon: Lunch with the Stallion and a stroll around the city, capped by a quick visit to my apartment. (No sex, if that's what you were wondering).

The early evening: B is on his way over. Pissed at me for being late for our hang-out and fucking it up two weeks in a row.

The later evening: A date with TT. It's set for 8:30.

Details on all will follow...

-h-

Strange Day

Today is a strange day. I woke up and felt something different. I don't know what it is. But when I realized that I left my cell phone at home, I almost didn't care.

I want change.

Am I ready to bite the bullet and stick up for it?

-h-

"Love" is a Four-Letter Word

I want to meet a man who doesn't think that "love" is a dirty word.

I used to tell B that I "love him to pieces." No wonder he thought that I was going to dissolve him.

Today my family went to court-- the beginning of a potentially ugly custody battle for guardianship of my stepbrother. I feel guilty being wrapped up in my own life, and not there for my family. Both of my sisters are so "settled." It's easier for them to be more "present," more "responsible." Sometimes I feel misunderstood and think that "it's not fair." But that's terribly childish of me, isn't it?

I'm feeling very anxious right now. Startlingly so. I can't drink tonight... Not just because I said I wouldn't, but because I'm still getting over being sick. But I want to take a Vicodin or something. Maybe I will.

I went to the Doctor today and thank goodness I don't have strep throat. It's just laryngitis with a lot of mucus. I've been on a regime of guaifenisen and salt-water gargling for two days and combined with two nights of good sleep, I'm feeling better already. As a singer, my doctor thinks I should be on Nasonex year round. She gave me a prescription with 11 refills. I tried it today and it felt good (given my congestion), but I don't want to take anything potentially drying without talking to my voice teacher first. I like the feeling of spraying it up my nose, though. I know... I'm strange.

I'm not well enough to really sing tonight and so I had to skip my cabaret class. Damn it! I love going to that class.

Narc called last night. He was in Midtown. But he called after 11:00 and I was already in bed, so I had to turn him down.

My therapist tells me that I'm a coward. I think that she's right. I can always count on her for the "kick in the ass" that I need. A "kick in the ass" from the Stallion would just be another illusion.

I'm feeling lonely tonight. Existentially lonely. But it's not a settled loneliness... It's an anxious one. One that wants that Vicodin. And one that wants to meet someone who doesn't think of "love" as a four-letter word. (Even though it is?)

-h-

A Good Kick in the Ass

As I've been home sick all day today, that didn't leave much room for adventure. Even so, I managed to have a fairly nice day. Hammer came over in the afternoon and brought me a cheese steak. I had to hear all about her adventures with Sing-Man. Then, later in the evening, I got a call from the Stallion! I think you all need a mini Stallion-update.

I hadn't seen him in many months when we got back in touch in January. He wanted to hang out, but I was skeptical and told him bluntly I "didn't want to have sex." He told me to chill out and not to worry so much. We ended up going out drinking one night with a lot of kissing, but no sex. And he texted me on his way home: love you.

After that, I didn't hear from him for a few weeks and started to worry that he was leaving my "orbit." I don't know if it makes sense to most of you, but it's just a comfort of sorts knowing that I have him on back burner, among possible suitors, so to speak. Anyway, I texted him Happy Valentine's Day in February with no reply.

Another few weeks went by with no word from the Stallion. I figured he must be in girlfriend-mode. Then, last week at the Patriot with Narc, I texted the Stallion trying to get a drug-number. He called me the next day, but I was out on a date with TT. Then he called me again the following Wednesday, but I was on my way to choir. He told me to call him when I finished choir, but I went straight to the Patriot again to meet Narc, and so I couldn't. So I texted him: Got tied up after choir. Want to hang out some time soon?

I don' t know why I wrote that. I don't really want to hang out with him.

Anyway, he called me tonight. We had an awkward conversation. He asked what was up and I said that I was sick.

"I can think of a few ways to make you feel better," he said.

"No, I mean I'm really sick," I laughed.

"So, what's been going on with you, Hyde?"

"I don't know. Same old, same old, I guess."

"Just livin'?" he asked.

"Yeah, you could say that."

I started to tell him about my incompletes in school.

"I just can't seem to get started on them," I said.

"Why not?"

"I don't know... I guess I just need a good kick in the ass..."

He laughed.

"Well, I could definitely come over there and give you a kick in the ass!"

And that about sums it up.

Anyway, he said he wanted to meet up, but that he wanted to do something "normal," as in no drugs or blackouts.

"Like what?" I asked. "Like dinner and a movie?" (That's just not my Stallion-context. I can't imagine it.)

"Well, yeah! When are you free this week?"

"Weeknights are hard for me," I said.

"What about afternoons?"

"I could do Thursday afternoon, I guess..."

"So, Thursday for lunch?"

"Yeah... sure... Thursday for lunch."

"Cool. I'll send you an email to set it up."

When we hung up, I felt strange.

What am I doing?

I'm in love with Narc...

Maybe I really do need a good kick in the ass.

Sick in Bed! :(

That's what I am, and that's where I should be... in bed. No, I'm not in bed this very moment, as I'm sitting in my living room at my computer, but I was in bed just before I got up to write this, and surely, to bed is where I will return.

I'm sick. Full, blown-out, flu-like symptoms, sore-throated sick!!! And it sucks. I cancelled my teaching this morning, cancelled my voice lesson and will likely have to cancel everything tomorrow too.

I guess I don't have the constitution of a teenager anymore. Last weekend I was up two nights in a row until after 5:00 am. Then I got drunk Monday, drunk Wednesday (and was up 24 hrs with no sleep Wednesday-Thursday), had emotional trauma with Narc Wednesday night, and got only four hours of sleep Thursday night before lecturing for six hours, so... what do I expect?

In any case, I tried to take it easy this weekend. On Friday night, after teaching I came straight home and went to bed early. Interestingly, I got a text from BarMan that night--

Anyone wanna play poker sun site? Fun, no sharks :)

It's the first time BarMan has invited me to something outside of "getting a drink after Cheers closes" or going to see him play one of his shows. So, it was really nice! I really like the crew at Cheers and if I ever get my act together to lay off the drinking, I'm going to miss them all! It would be nice to know them outside of that setting... (I wrote back that I was up for it, but he couldn't get a big enough group together and is going to try again for next week.)

On Saturday the weather was beautiful and I went to Central Park with Hammer. Earlier that morning, I had a text from Narc:

Ugh, dying...! Do me in now.

And then at around 1:30, another text:

Dude!! Possible to borrow a little cash from you to get through the early evening? Expecting a money transfer, can get you back later tonight.

Okay... so aside from the fact that Narc called me "dude" (which is a STRANGE term for a girl you're having sex with), and aside from the fact that he was asking me for money, his message implied that he wanted to see me later. So I called him.

He said that he was waiting for his mom to transfer more money into his account, but that he was stuck with maxxed out credit cards and an account on empty. I asked him how much he needed.

"I don't know... I have to go to this birthday party/scavenger hunt/pub crawl thing in the East Village. So... A hundred dollars or so to play with for the night?"

"Fine."

I told him I would leave it with my doorman as I was late to meet Hammer at the park and certainly wasn't going to run to Tribeca to bring him money.

Hammer and I brought sandwiches and she brought a "blanket-ino" (which you left at my house, Hammer!) and we hung out and talked-- Hammer with her Sudoku puzzles in tow.

After the park (and some amusing people-watching) we walked down Columbus Avenue and eventually moved over to Amsterdam for ice-cream sodas at a diner. "Uh oh" for Hyde, though... I started to sugar crash. I know I always feel shitty after that stuff, so I don't know why I continue to do it. (Then again, that question can be applied to many areas of my life, n'est pas?) We cabbed back to my apartment and hung out for a while, just having DT and watching Dr. Phil. I saw that Narc had never come by to pick up the money. I guess he managed to borrow from one of his friends at that party instead.

NDN stopped by at around 9:00 or so and wanted to go to Pizzeria Uno's in the West Village where he had made all those friends at the bar the week before. Neither Hammer nor I was really up for it at first (I felt a little sick; Hammer had her 4-mile run the next day), but he managed to convince us (me, by "cuddling me into submission." Ha ha.)

I won't recount the details of our evening, because Hammer and NDN got into a little spat, and there's no use in dwelling on unfortunate moments like that. But on the cab ride down there, I realized I had forgotten my cell phone! I started to panic. I knew that Narc was going to call me after that birthday party was over, which he expected to end at around midnight. I was in total panic mode. Hammer suggested that I call Narc from her phone and tell him I had forgotten my phone. Once I had done so, I felt a little better.

At the bar, NDN worked on "winning over" a grumpy bartender. But, like I said-- the evening ended with Hammer and NDN in a fight. Hammer left, only to race back into the bar a few minutes later with her phone. Narc was on the line! (She said that he was strange on the phone-- saying something very stiff, like "May I please speak with Hyde." Right, Hammer?) Narc said that he wasn't feeling well, but that I was welcome to come to his place if I wanted to. So I did. NDN put me in a cab and I was on my way.

Narc was really looking pretty run down. He told me he had been awake for 36 hours.

"Why!?!?" I asked.

"Well, I was out with M and R until 4:00 in the morning last night, and for some reason, I couldn't fall asleep after that," he said.

I made us both a vodka and cranberry but he barely touched his.

"I'm feeling kind of shitty, myself," I said.

We didn't stay up for too long before hitting the sheets.

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I knew I was sick. My throat felt thick and fuzzy and I couldn't swallow; my eyes were stuck together, I was sweating and had a chill. I had agreed to meet NDN for dim sum in Chinatown, but didn't feel up to it, so I called him to cancel. Narc said he felt sick too, but I could tell from looking-- he wasn't half as bad as I. We settled on his living room couch, me shivering underneath his big blanket, sweating with my hair matted to my face. It was not fun. Especially, as I knew I had to leave, and facing the cold air outdoors seemed truly formidable.

Narc is not a particularly good "caretaker." I can't blame him. He was totally neglected in that department when he was young, and so he never learned how. But he didn't really offer to do anything for me-- tylenol or tea or anything. In fact, I felt guilty being a "downer," and I felt that he was worried that I might make him sicker. The only reason I stayed on over there until 7:00 was the awful internal chill that I felt.

Finally I got myself up and out the door. It was strange. He didn't walk me to the door and I didn't kiss him goodbye. I felt like such shit, though, that I didn't care. I felt like I was in a daze stumbling towards Church Street looking for a cab.

I had given NDN the keys to my apartment for him to retrieve my cell phone, so on my way back in, I stopped at his place. He had his mother over for dinner, and I felt very rude not wanting to stop in and say hello, but I really felt like hell. Back at home, I crawled into bed immediately. I spoke to Hammer on the phone for a while, and also to B. Damn! Was it good to have my cell phone back! I can't believe how much anxiety I felt, just from not being constantly available to people!

NDN had told me to let him know if I needed anything. He was planning to walk his mom out at around 9:00, so I asked if he could pick me up some wonton soup and some water. He graciously complied.

Then I started to feel nervous. I hadn't had sex with Narc Saturday night or Sunday morning. What if something was wrong? What if it means something greater? I knew I was being foolish. Both Narc and I were sick (me a lot more so) and I didn't want to have sex when I was there, but still... So I sent him a text:

Watching "Conan goes to Finland." (Gong!)

N: Saw that one, good stuff. New tonight: Simpsons, , Family Guy, West Wing and Sopranos. Most impressive!

H: Good night to be home laying in bed then. Sorry I was such a drag today. You could tell my defenses were down-- Armageddon moved me to tears! :)

N: Reading Script and drinking german beer at Blue Goose. Woohoo! Should have taken you here earlier. We could both have done our reading, etc.

H: Sounds sweet. Maybe later this week... As for now, I'm in bed with wonton soup and a plan for 12 hours of sleep. Perfect... ZZZzzzzz.... :)

In the meanwhile, Hammer was having an adventure of her own. She randomly bumped into one of the guys we had met last Saturday night at the piano bar. (You should go check out her blog for the whole story).

And that was that. Before long, I fell asleep.

Today I'm going to try to nurse myself back to health. I'm about to jump in the shower and then I'm going to call my doctor. Other than that, it's going to be be a day to stay in bed.

love,

-h-

PS:

MINI DREAM-O-METER:

I had a dream last night that my little sister's childhood friend had found my blog and sent my little sister an email saying how one of my dreams posted on the blog didn't make any sense. My little sister told me about it.

"What? Jenny reads my blog?" I asked.

"Yeah... I think I might start reading it too..."

"How did she find it?"

"She just googled a bunch of your 'code names.' It's not all that hard."

When I woke up, I had the urge to totally redo the whole blog-- to change everyone's name (except for mine of course) and to change the template. I don't know if I will... But that was my dream...

-h-

Brighton and Beyond!

I don't want to think about the Narc fight, or leave my "Narc-cave" post up as the last one for too long...so on to a cheerier post!

As I would say to my class at the beginning of the lecture (before reviewing the previous week's material)-- "Let's just backtrack for a second to make sure that we're all on the same page..."

Here we go...

On Sunday NDN invited me on an excursion to Brighton Beach. Brighton Beach is in Brooklyn, about an hour away on the subway (near Coney Island) and is a Russian neighborhood. NDN knows that I am somewhat of a Russophile, and he speaks nearly fluent Russian (having studied in Moscow for a year), so we were a happy pair when we embarked. (Well, actually, I was kind of hungover after my late night/date with TT and he was annoyed at one of his friends from backing out of the day's adventure, but still...)

We stopped over at the deli across the street because I majorly needed some carbs to help my hangover. NDN likes to chit chat with one of the guys who works there and introduced me, telling him that I "always go in there drunk." It was funny, but also annoying because only the night staff knows I drink, and NDN shouldn't go pointing that out to people, but whatever...

On our way to Brooklyn, we failed to transfer trains at Union Square because NDN thought we could transfer at a later stop, based on some faulty information from fellow subway passengers. When he realized they were wrong, he was infuriated and wanted to kill all of the people in the subway. He was in a silent rage. I didn't think it was such a big deal.

I was entertained on the train by his photos from the night before-- a real "NDN to Hyde transformation." He had been out at Pizzeria Uno's in the Village and in "rare form" got drunk and befriended the entire bar.

At last, we arrived in Brighton. The first order of business-- to get NDN a pushcart. Apparently, Brighton by day is all about "cart culture." All of the grannies were out wheeling their carts in and out of the shops, filling them with groceries. In one store, they even had a system of tagging the carts with numbers. In all of the shops, customers casually left their carts near the door, operating on the "honor" system. Somewhat of a shock for NY!

Brighton Beach businesses are located on one main strip down which we made our way. After the cart (and a bathroom stop), the first purchase of the day was at a bakery where NDN bought some bread. Then we headed to a candy store where the candy was out in huge barrels and NDN sampled way too much of everything. Not Hyde! I selected one piece and brought it to the counter, paying a dime for it. I don't remember every store that we hit or everything that was purchased, but NDN was certainly happy with his food shopping!

I ate a delicious freshly baked poppy-seed danish right before lunch. For lunch we shared some kabobs and mushroom/potato pelmeni. Yum. At the restaurant, NDN was obsessing about leaving his cart in a room next to the main dining room of the restaurant. The table service was bad and they were showing what looked like a Russian version of American Idol on large-screen TV's.

In the mid-afternoon, I got a very strange text-- from some guy that I met at the Patriot back on my birthday in December, and never even hung out with! (He's pictured here). He wrote:

Hey Hyde. How you been? I left NY since the last time we spoke. I'll be in the city tomorrow until late Tuesday. Gimme a call. I would love to hang out with you.

The last time we spoke??? I think I drunk-dialed him ONCE looking for a number to buy drugs!!! Whatever... It was amusing to hear from him so randomly.

The most important order of the day was getting NDN a banya hat. Apparently, at the banya you're supposed to wear some kind of special felt or wool hat. The guy whose kiosk monopolizes the banya business in Brighton Beach was not stationed on his usual corner. NDN was in great distress. We asked around at a few places where he could get a hat, but no one seemed to know. He managed to find one at some random fabric kiosk, but it was shaped like a Napoleonic bicorne hat, and he looked rather silly. So we moved on. I found a cheap calendar with pictures of the Hermitage which I bought for my kitchen. (The current calendar there was still displaying December, 2005. That's how my life is.)

As we continued our stroll, NDN was approached by a Russian-speaking Jew who urged him into a Miztvah Tank which NDN politely declined, while I bought a white Orenberg shawl from a lady on the street.

We approached an older man selling books on one corner. NDN asked him if he knew where to find the much sought-after banya hat.

"How should I know?" the man retorted. "I sell books! What should I know from banya hats!"

"I thought you might know the neighborhood," NDN explained.

This sparked a brief argument in Russian. He was rude. As we walked away, we decided we needed to exact some sort of revenge on this guy. The form our revenge would take? Banya-hat triumph must be had! The quest for the banya hat was ever more important.

But we continued on with the food shopping. We passed liquor store windows sporting bottles of Pusser's Rum in bottles marked "Lord Nelson's Blood." It made us laugh. (It's sort of an inside joke for me and NDN). NDN bought A LOT of food (including a $1 pineapple). I don't even remember what else he got. As for me, I bought some pistachios, some pickles, a pickled apple(!) and some prepared stuffed cabbage.

At last we found the hat NDN had been looking for! He put it on right away. When, on our return trip, we passed by the rude book-seller, NDN shouted in triumph (in Russian): "Look! I found it without you!" (Or something of the sort).

Finally it was time to go home. We lugged his pushcart up the stairs into the subway. NDN was obsessing about weighing some caviar that he had bought, but I didn't want to be a part of that. We were exhausted and home in time for the Oscars.

I had been invited to my sister's friend's Oscar Party (My sister's friend, English), but decided to watch at home instead. NDN watched the opening awards with me. When March of the Penguins won, I sent Narc a text: Penguins! I wrote. (Because he loves penguins.)

Meanwhile, I was feeling a little bad that I might not have given TT enough attention the night before at the piano bar with Hammer and her friend. So I sent him a text before the Oscars began: You watching the awards tonight?

TT: Probably off and on. Yourself?

Hyde: Watching the red carpet fashions now! :)

TT: Playing a new X-box game until eight myself... Have fun.

Hyde: You too! Talk to you soon...

We were in communication again after the show:

TT: Well, there's three-and-a-half hours of my life I'm not getting back. When will I learn?

Hyde: Yeah, I know. Pretty boring this year.

TT: Clooney had a good speech; the intro with the other hosts was funny; a couple of the montages were nice, but otherwise... feh.

Hyde: Agreed. No outrageous fashions either.

TT: Just got a new game, but the X-box stopped working.

Hyde: D'oh!

TT: What time did you get to sleep last night, anyway?

Hyde: Went to bed at 4:30, got up 10:30. NDN woke me by ringing my bell. I was so pissed. So I gotta go to bed now. 6:00 am wake-up tomorrow. Grrr!

TT: Okay. Well, have a good night!

Hyde: Thanks! Sweet dreams...

And so, to bed I went.

When I woke up the next morning, I had two texts from Narc-- Narc who had invited and then implicitly "disinvited" me to his Oscar party by telling me that he "wasn't really having one," but was just having 2-3 friends over.

He wrote: Phew! Oscar party was successfully managed.

And then: Come over after your class this morning. I want to see you.

So, while I was (hurt?) annoyed that he lied to me about the Oscar party and didn't even bother to try to cover his lie out of sensitivity, I was more excited by him bossing me around and demanding my presence. (There's some Hyde-stupidity for ya!)

I called him in the morning just before my voice lesson, but he didn't pick up. Still asleep, I guessed. So I took a chance and headed down there anyway. I think I got there at around 1:00.

Narc answered the door typically rumpled, scruffy and hung-over. His apartment was a wreck. Littered with champagne bottles, beer bottles, leftover cake and cookies and used Oscar-ballots, it was clear he hosted an event with MORE than 2-3 guests!

"Arghhhh! I'm dying!" he mumbled as he greeted me.

"That's no good," I said.

He walked into the bedroom and climbed back into bed. I followed.

I stayed with Narc (and helped him clean up) until I had to leave that evening. I had plans to watch 24 with Hammer and Bezoukhoff. I invited Narc to come along, and while he opted not to, he eventually joined us at the Overlook later that night. I proceeded to get very drunk (as detailed in my post Stuck.)

The next day (Tuesday), Narc and I spent the morning together, parting ways at around 2:30 after brunch at the diner. After cabaret class that night I headed to Cheers for dinner and diet cokes. IrishBird was off and BarMan was covering her shift. I sat there reading Narc's screenplay (and talking with an older man named Gary).

I felt so awful that afternoon when Narc and I had parted ways, but apparently nothing was wrong in his mind, because he kept texting me that night:

Just saw "Raiders" at the Ziegfeld. Woohoo!

and

Women on "Idol" are horrible tonight!

Okay... So Narc is omni-available these days. (And it's been a while with no mention of PopStarChick). I tried not to think too much about him, or about anything, and instead just had fun hanging out with BarMan.

On Wednesday I taught in the morning, and then, exhausted came home to vegetate in front of the television for a while before heading to choir. That afternoon, Narc texted me again:

So! Script thoughts? Who is it about? Where is it going? Is it clear? Believable? Interesting?

Lots of thoughts but would rather talk in person than text them, I replied. It's so YOU though & I loved seeing that.

I really do have a lot of thoughts about his writing-- so many that I think the subject merits its own post. So, for now, I'll leave it at that.

Narc and I had watched Wednesday night Idol together for the previous two weeks and I wanted to do it again. So I wrote to him asking if he wanted to get together again.

Can watch the boys, he answered. Working little bit longer, then food, then brief stop at the Patriot, I think. "Idol" after.

Well, as you know, I met him at the Patriot and it was more than a brief stop. We ended up leaving there at nearly 5:00 am, and like I said-- I ended up awake for over 24 hours and in a traumatic fight with him. (The fight stemmed partially from our discussion of his screenplay, among other things. Really the reason we fought, though? He was wasted and I was too tipsy for "infinite patience.")

And that pretty much brings you guys up to date. Yesterday I spent the entire day with him recovering from our fight and being in denial and cuddling. I slept there last night and got only four hours of sleep, waking up in the dark this morning to slink home (and back to reality) like a shadow of myself.

Today, I barely survived teaching. But when I got back to my office, my duties complete, I had even more texts from Narc!

Dying...! He wrote at 12:30 this afternoon (meaning he had slept SEVEN hours more than I had! Ugh! The nerve!)

And then: Need Red Bull!!! (cry) at 1:08.

My reply? Oh, don't complain! I just survived teaching hell. Even on three red bulls, barely standing! I swear my eyes were blurring at the end. :)

N: Eh, feeling better now. You must be dying!!!

H: I am! Glad you're feeling better though. My plan? Finish here, go home & take an incredibly longed-for shower!

N: I need a plan...! Hmmm...

H: Plans are good on occasion. Mine also includes finding food.

N: Food! That's what I need!

H: See! Glad I could help. We both need to replace that Domino's .

N: Ugh! Still waiting for my mother to call me back... (sigh)

And so on, and so forth...

What is going ON with the constant-Narc contact?

Anyway, that's my life up to this very point. I AM hungry and DO need to get home to that shower, so now, I will bid you adieu.

Hope you are all well...

-h-

A Cave called "Narc"

I've been in a cave called "Narc."

I went to see him on Wednesday evening after choir. The plan was to watch the boys on American Idol as we had done the previous two Wednesdays. But he sent me a text telling me to meet him at the Patriot first.

Uh Oh...

I was tired and not in the mood to drink too much and so I only had seven over 5-6 hours. That got me tipsy, but I was not wasted-drunk. Narc was another story. Who knows how much he drank. We ended up fighting, fighting, fighting and I ended up in tears. It was a bad scene. Too much was said-- things that are true, but things that are better left unsaid when it comes to me and Narc.

We left the bar at around 5:00 am. Back at his place we continued to fight and it turned into a psycho-sexual-physical-tearful-violent mess. I was begging him to let me go to sleep and he wouldn't. Finally at around 6:30 am, I got him to bed. I had been awake for a full 24 hours at that point and had cried, shouted, fucked and defended myself into a fatigue that was beyond belief. (Although, what do I have to complain about? Jack Bauer does it all the time, right?)

Anyway, the next morning I woke up feeling emotionally stunned and physically wrecked. I got up at 11:00 and left his bedroom, moving onto the living room couch. I needed space from him, but I was too tired to move more than that. I knew I should go home, but I didn't want to. I felt somehow paralyzed about it. (If this were a year ago, I might have left some dramatic "goodbye forever!" note, but really--what's the point? I knew it wasn't "goodbye forever.")

So I watched a few recorded episodes of the old Twilight Zone. I had a voice lesson to get to at 1:30, but knew I couldn't do it. My voice was completely bottomed out, and my body was too exhausted to stand, let alone sing. So I called and cancelled. I couldn't think of an excuse, so I just said a "personal problem" came up. It's true, isn't it?

Then I crawled back in bed with Narc. He snuggled me as if all were right with the world. So I buried my face in his neck, as if it were a cave in which I could hide everything. He finally woke up at around 2:00. I also acted as if all were right with the world. Not a word was said about the terror of the previous night, and I liked it better that way. It started to make me think-- maybe I dwell on everything too much. I mean, what would have been the point of rehashing the night before when neither of us is willing to change-- to act on it or do anything about it. Besides, he was probably too drunk to remember the worst of it and if I brought it up, he would just accuse me of lying and it would start another fight.

So we were "friends" again. We ordered in amazing sushi, watched last night's Idol and then walked to the video store and rented Blade Runner on DVD. (There was a funny moment for me in the video store when Narc was standing under a poster for the movie "Narc." Ha ha.)

And I ignored the world. I forgot I had afternoon plans with B and felt really guilty when B called, telling me he had shown up at my apartment, but I wasn't home. I also had tentative dinner plans with TT, which I called him to break. (Originally we had plans to hang out this weekend, but a good friend of his lost his mother and TT was headed to Vermont. I told him I would try to figure something out for Thursday instead, but we left it up in the air. Besides, it wasn't like I totally ditched him in favor of Narc. I just didn't feel physically/emotionally capable of navigating a date last night on top of it all).

So, I stayed in my cave called "Narc." After Blade Runner Narc wanted to watch Alien. I guess it was a Ridley Scott kind of night. He had started drinking gin and tonics during Blade Runner, although I decided not to drink at all. So by the time Alien was over, he was pretty toasted. It was 11:00 pm. Hammer called. I hadn't spoken to her all day, which is unusual for us. Narc and I watched the American Idol results show. I knew I had to be up at 6:00 am this morning, and that I had to go back home first to get my teaching stuff. Narc didn't want me to leave. He tried to "cuddle me into submission." It worked. I didn't really want to leave him either.

We ordered in Domino's (the only thing around open after midnight) as we had forgotten to eat dinner. Then we had some incredible sex (channeling all of the tension we were in denial about) and fell asleep at around 1:00 am. I got up this morning at 5:20 and headed home to get my teaching stuff and to clean myself up.

So here I am-- Friday morning, about to embark on my crazy-teaching day, and once again, I've had virtually no sleep. I really can't keep doing this.

In terms of Narc and everything else, I don't know what to think. I definitely don't want to rehash our fight here, as the issues are nothing incredibly new. I was very honest with him while it was going on, in terms of what I think about us and what I think about him. But he was drunk and irrational. The only thing that is freaking me out a little is that he was unusually rough and at one point while getting physical, he kept yelling at me "you are so weak!" I don't know what that was about, but clearly he was projecting/taking something out on me that has more to do with his own self-hatred than with anything I've done. And that scared me.

Anyway... I'm too tired to think of what to do about it all right now. I'm tired of thinking about what to do about it all in general. I want my life to be about something else for the moment. I want a different kind of energy today. I want to post about something happier. So perhaps another post will be forthcoming later in the day.

I'm so tired I'm nauseous. I hope you are all more refreshed than I this Friday!

love,
h

All That is Solid Melts Into Air: Part II

Well, the good thing is, I'm in a much better mood today than I was yesterday! I ended my last post by saying that I felt "somehow unclean." I think it was with good reason-- I actually was unclean. Bars and sex without an immediate shower to follow can do that to a girl. And after I showered yesterday afternoon, I immediately began to feel more like myself. B came by for two hours or so, and that also did a great deal to cheer me up. And then I finished the night with my cabaret class (which I LOVE) and dinner at Cheers (sipping diet cokes and talking to BarMan). I also read the first part of Narc's screenplay, but more on that later. For now, I'd like to take you back to where I left off--my tale about Saturday night.

If you recall, I spent all day Saturday with Narc. We had been out late on Friday night, and he had brought up TT to me, telling me that it might not be "moral" for us to continue having sex. I made it pretty clear that I wanted to continue having sex with him though, and he seemed to have shed all of his reservations by the morning.

I had invited TT to my friend's birthday party, but had not yet made a specific plan with him. So when Narc and I parted ways after the hardware store, I gave him a call. Since the party was set for Mehanata 416 BC (the Bulgarian Club at Broadway and Canal), I suggested that we meet for dinner at Bar 89 on Mercer. He agreed and I headed back to my place.

B came over for a few hours and brought his cello! He's a beginner, but was excited to show me how much he's improved in recent months. He also brought a book of easy piano/cello duets, so we were able to play together. It was so much fun!!! My favorites were a Pavane by Handel and Mozart's Ave Verum, a former favorite among my college choir friends. He had to go by 7:00 and I had to get ready for my date.

I was getting psyched for a night out on the town (if you recall from my post, Bring on the Men!) and was set to leave the house at around 8:30. In true Hyde-form, I wanted a drink before heading downtown. Of course, I went to Cheers, but they were closed for a private party until 9:00! I was distressed, so I headed to the Overlook instead. The bouncer there remembered me from when I had been there with Anxious the Saturday before and told me that I have "pretty eyes." Thanks! I had one double jack & diet and then caught a cab to meet TT.

He texted me that he was already waiting and had gone into another bar down in SoHo to get a beer until I arrived. I told him I would meet him there. He was very sweet. There was only one barstool available, so he stood and offered it to me. He also bought me a drink. He said he had walked past Bar 89 and that it was very crowded, so he suggested heading to Little Italy instead. He used to live on Canal Street and knew of a great restaurant in the area. I agreed. On our way out, he held up my coat for me to put it on. A woman sitting next to us at the end of the bar started to say something to me. It turned out that she was incoherently drunk. She said something about "snow." She looked like a sad soul. I felt uneasy... Ever since my St. Lucy dream, I've been feeling more superstitious, and it felt like some sort of bad omen.

Anyway, we took a cab the short distance to La Mela Restaurant on Mulberry. TT was telling me about some strange sausage they have hanging from the ceiling. If you pull on a string, the sausage hits a bell and two light bulbs at its base light up. (You can imagine what that looks like, right?) So when we walked in, I asked where it was, and the maitre d' laughed and told me I should "ring it;" so I did. The restaurant is family style and there were no menus. Instead, the waiters just bring you food until you can't eat anymore. They start with a course of antipasto, then bring pasta, then meat and so on. I had two glasses of wine. By the time we finished the pasta course, I couldn't eat any more and neither could TT. It was a lot of food.

In terms of me and TT, I still feel like we don't entirely "click." Conversation never flows very easily, and this was our fourth date. Even so, he is a very nice guy, so I'm not entirely sure what to think. It's incredibly difficult for me to sort out what I'm feeling for TT from what I feel about Narc. Part of me thinks that maybe I'm being too harsh on him and not giving him a chance because of everything with Narc. Another part of me thinks that maybe I'm giving him too much of a chance because TT and I just may not have chemistry, but I think my vision is clouded by Narc.

Anyway, he paid for dinner and we set off for the "Bulgarian bar." Hammer and her friends were in the neighborhood having a "girl's night," and I told her to meet me and TT at the party. They got there first and were pissed off that there was a $10 cover to get in. As we walked there, TT held my hand, which made me a little uncomfortable. To me that's a major intimacy, but I let him do it anyway. (My therapist doesn't understand how I find hand-holding more intimate than sex, but in a lot of ways I do!). When we stopped at a street corner to wait for the light, he started to kiss me. He made some comment about how he didn't want the light to ever change, and then at the next corner he did it again. I, again, had mixed feelings. Was I kissing him because I wanted to? Because I thought I was supposed to? Because he wanted me to? Because I felt guilty? I do feel guilty. I know that I'm not starting this thing with him with a clean slate. There is the "lie" of Narc hanging between us.

When we got to the bar, there was a line to get in. Some guy on line in front of us was really drunk and swaying back and forth. Again, it made me feel strangely uneasy. I paid the cover for TT, as he had paid for everything else so far.

Once inside, there was a huge crowd. It was a strange place. The decor was incredibly tacky with wood-paneled walls and blinking Christmas lights. There was a disco-ball hanging over a packed dance floor, Eastern-European techno music blaring and a bar in the back of the room serving drinks out of plastic cups. Near the entrance there were a few couch-lined booths to rest from the dancing.

I led TT towards the back of the bar to get a drink (first things first!), scanning the crowd for friends along the way. I saw one friend--JKd and we talked for a few minutes at the bar. I introduced him to TT. Then I decided to try to find the birthday girl. TT and I pushed our way back towards the entrance where I found her. I haven't seen her in an entire year, so she was delighted to see me. She was already drunk and greeted TT with a hug as if she had known him forever. Her level of familiarity with him made it clear that she thought he was my boyfriend-- an obvious assumption, I guess, for someone who hasn't seen me in a year.

Then I heard a familiar voice from behind. It was Hammer! She was there with three friends (who I will wait to name until she passes along code names). We made all of the introductions and then headed over to one of the booths because it was really hard to dance on the dance floor. We stayed there for a while, but it really wasn't a great scene-- too crowded, too cheesy and too hard to get to the alcohol for my liking. Two of Hammer's friends had to leave early. Hammer (or her friend, Sissy) suggested that we relocate to Marie's Crisis-- a piano bar in the Village. (It's a strange name, so I looked it up once. It used to be an inn in the times of the American Revolution, and Thomas Paine stayed there and wrote a few tracts). Today it's basically a piano bar for people who really, really love show tunes. That includes me and Hammer and "Sissy" (who is an actress/singer), but unfortunately, that does not include TT. He was a good sport, though, and had no objections to the change of locale.

When we left Mehanata there was a little competition catching a cab. (Saturday nights downtown can get like that!) It's then that I realized that I had not one, but two texts from Narc! And he knew I was on a date with TT! My stomach flipped. Here's what he said:

Sent 11:38 pm: Yes! Photos are up, cubes are installed, the apartment is perfect... And now I must leave it! The night air beckons. To the Blue Goose (with book) I go!

Sent 12:33 am: Blue Goose was packed! How's the Bulgarian spot?

Of course, I wasn't going to answer him in the middle of my date, but I passed the phone to show them to Hammer. As she was holding the phone it started to ring. It was the Stallion! (I said "Bring on the Men," didn't I?) He was calling me because of my cryptic plea for help via text-message the night before.

"Stallion! Where have you been? I texted you Valentine's Day and you never responded! I thought you weren't talking to me anymore or something!" I exclaimed.

"No! Not at all... I was just having problems with my phone. Of course I'm talking to you."

(I didn't believe that, but whatever...)

"Look, Hyde, I can't talk right now, but can I give you a call tomorrow?"

"Of course!"

And with that I hung up. (I never heard from him the next day).

After that, we finally got a cab and landed in the West Village.

I have to say, I had a smashing time at the piano bar. The piano player sits in the middle of the room and picks a show, running through all of the songs. The patrons get drunk and stand around and sing in chorus. She picked old shows-- shows I knew all the words to, so I was very happy! I was even happier when she took my request and started playing West Side Story. It's sad to say, but TT kind of faded into the background at that point. As Hammer pointed out-- "He's 6'4", but you hardly knew he was there!" I felt a little guilty having him out with the theater crowd and out of his element, so every time he wanted to kiss me, I kissed him. Hammer kept nudging me and asked me why I was kissing him.

At 1:53 am I got ANOTHER text from Narc. I guess, because I hadn't replied to the earlier messages he wrote: ?

There were a few interesting characters around the piano bar, including a boy that reminded Hammer of B. I was feeling bold, so I introduced myself to him. He and his friend were both undergrads at Columbia! Then there was an older man at the bar who kept staring at Hammer. He was with a woman who kept twitching her nose like a rabbit as she sang. I told Hammer that the guy was definitely "steal-able." I was drunk and feeling brazen, and so I thought it was funny. I introduced myself to him and then introduced Hammer and the crew. You might be wondering where TT was during all of this? He was right next to me. He was just strangely not a big presence. Hammer sent me a text in reference to my flirtation with the older guy: You are stealing.

At some point, (and I honestly don't remember how this came up) TT backhandedly asked me about "sex." I told him that I needed everything to go slow.

"Is there something going on that I should know about?" he asked. "Because last time, you implied that there was some issue here..."

"No! Not at all!" I said.

(Okay, so I'm a total liar, but really-- am I OBLIGATED to share my personal life with this guy that I hardly know just because he shelled out a few bucks for dinner and drinks? I already gave him a blow job... isn't that enough to hold for a while?)

I basically told him that I'm in a little bit of a transition, that's all.

"Does this have anything to do with that guy you mentioned the night I met you back in January?" he asked. "The one who takes you for granted?"

"Um, sort of... Well, no... Look... I don't want to talk about this. I just need to take things slow."

"Alright," he said.

At around 2:30, TT was wiped out. He asked if I wanted him to take me home.

"I don't want to drag you away from here, though," he said. "You seem to be having fun."

I really did want to stay at the bar with the girls, and I told him so. (Was that terribly rude of me? Or was it rude of him to leave before I was ready to?) In any case, he said his goodbyes and then there were three.

The man and the rabbit-woman also left before long and another interesting pair took their seats at the edge of the piano. The guy had dimples and Hammer liked him. He seemed very into his girlfriend though-- not quite as "steal-able." By this time it was 3:00 am. Hammer started to miss the Wizard. It was sad, but she did a great job of riding it out and not caving in to her impulse to call him. I told her that if she needed to text him something to text it to me instead. So she did.

She wrote:
To Wiz I would say your femurs are long. To the boy I'd say your dimples are cute.

I thought her text was very cute. She and Sissy decided to leave not long after. They were hungry and wanted to get pizza. I wanted to stay out at the bar. I was waiting for the pianist to play "If I Loved You." So the girls took off and then there was one. I was still talking to "Dimples" and his girlfriend.

Hammer texted again:
You can give him my number.

Ha ha! (Obviously, I didn't...)

At around 3:20, I got a text from Double-T. He had arrived home safe and sound: Don't wreck your voice singing all night... but have fun! he wrote.

I was drunk and in the bar alone, and pointed as much out to the pianist who thankfully played my song for me so I could leave. I ripped into it and did a fabulous job and got waves of applause and pats on the back and it was quite a lovely boost to my oft-decimated self-esteem.

Then I looked at my watch. It was 3:40 am. Shit. If I wanted to end the night at Cheers, I'd have to move it. I dashed out of the bar, like a drunken Cinderella racing against the clock. Luckily, I found a cab pretty quickly. But when I got to Cheers the lights were on and last call had already been "called."

"BarMan, isn't there anything you can do for me?" I implored him.

"Yeah, just keep it on the down low," he said, pouring me a drink and hiding it behind a napkin holder.

ThursdayGirl came over to say hello. I told her about my date with Double-T and about how I was confused by having spent every single day that week with Narc.

"Hyde! I thought you weren't seeing him anymore."

"Who the fuck knows," I said.

I only stayed there for another twenty minutes or so before they were ready to close up shop. I ran to the deli for some food, and in a fog made my way home. At around 5:00 am I hit the sheets. Two nights in a row like that? Not a good thing for Dr. Jekyll's singing career.

Well... that's the story of my date with TT. I still need to tell you about Sunday's trip to Brighton Beach with NDN and a little more of the Narc drama that ensued, but that's it for now. It's time for me to get some lunch...

:)

h

Edgar and Jack

Farewell, Edgar! You will be missed!

(and a picture of Jack because I couldn't resist).

Stuck

I know I still need to write Part II of my last post, but I need to blog without thinking right now... So, forgive the inconsistency in my narrative. (Is that all I have in my life now? A fucked up narrative? Whatever...)

There's so much about my life that I want to change.
Why do I feel like I can't change anything?

Narc told me he wasn't having an Oscar party. Then he invited me to his place on Monday morning. When I got there, he was hung over and his house was a wreck from a party. I helped him clean it. It made me feel close to him, doing something for him, with him... something quiet and domestic. We had sex and I let him go down on me for the first time in seven months. So he kept wanting to have sex over and over all day, because he doesn't know when that's coming again, and I guess he really likes it. He was very passionate. Old-school Narc. For me, it's too intimate to share with someone who is not even my "friend." I don't know what he is to me. I don't know why I let him do it yesterday. It made me happy at the time-- I felt like he loved me and wanted me. But it was a stupid move-- it compromised my dignity. ("Just surrender," he said). And it made me feel close to him in a way that's too dangerous for me. I don't know why I let it happen.

In the bubble of illusion we had a lovely afternoon. (Want to buy some illusions? Slightly used? Second hand?) I pretended that we are in love. He gave me the first third of his screenplay to read. I felt honored and valued. (But I'm NOT!) I had plans to watch 24 with Hammer and Bezoukhoff and so I invited Narc along. He declined, so we parted ways at around 7:00. Later he texted me asking if he could come after all. He didn't show up until after midnight, though. Hammer, Bezoukhoff, NDN and I were at Cheers. I was getting drunk, and god damn it, I don't know why. WHY??? Why do I do these things? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I had FIFTEEN drinks last night in about three hours. WHY? Absolutley no reason at all. I suck. I don't remember the end of the night. I woke up on my couch naked and shivering. I was confused. Narc's shoes and coat were here, though. I got up and went into the bedroom. There he was.

"Why did I sleep on the couch last night?" I asked.

"I couldn't get you into bed," he said.

"Oh."

I climbed in next to him and slept for another few hours. We had lunch today at the diner before he had to head to therapy. I felt depressed-- far away from him, embarrassed and unhappy with myself. I hate myself so much sometimes. We just sat there eating, both talking about how miserable we are and how we feel stuck in our lives. Narc always says that he is totally alone in the world with just the characters in his head that he is trying to write. That makes me feel sad and undervalued because I love him (I think) and I've seen him every single day this week (except Sunday) so, if that makes him "alone" than it means I am entirely out of the equation for him--invisible and inconsequential. I felt cut down to nothingness. So small. I don't matter. I was so angry at myself for drinking the night before. He's probably right-- I'm not good enough for him.

I just feel sad today. Sad and stuck. And grimy. I feel somehow unclean.

-h-

All that is Solid Melts into Air: Part I

Ah! Once again, I'm feeling the burden of blogging! Don't get me wrong-- I love to blog, but I have way too much to update you all on. Enough said. I better get to it!

I think the last thing I gave you in detail was early last week. Here's a summary as best as I can muster it:

Last Monday, Narc came over to my place and I told him about dating TT. He acted strange and didn't want to have sex that night, which made me feel insecure. Nevertheless, he stuck around my place until mid-afternoon Tuesday (still with no sex) but emailed me a few times later in the day. Then, that night, he sent me a text, asking if I wanted to sleep at his place (even though I had to get up for teaching the next day). I couldn't make head or tail of it.

That brings us to Wednesday--

After choir practice, I made plans to go over to Narc's place, with the excuse of "needing to get my birthday present." I got there at around 10:45 pm and we settled in to watch his recorded American Idol. (Both of us are "Idol" addicts!) Nothing too exciting happened, except for the fact that I finally got my birthday present!

He gave me an out of print novel called The World is Made of Glass by Morris West. It was wrapped up in beautiful gold paper (as promised) with a matching card. (That's very Narc, by the way-- to match the card to the paper. He can be so meticulous. I have none of that in me!)

I don't want to relate the entire conversation surrounding this, or tell you exactly what the card said, because I'm suddenly feeling very private about it all, but the general message in the card was "to a new you in the new year"-- a message that left me somewhat unsettled (no matter how much I agree with the sentiment!). His explanation for the book-- well, I'll also leave that unsaid. But I will tell you this-- it's fictional account of Karl Jung and a mysterious female patient. The book takes place in Europe on the eve of World War I and is characterized by a strange psycho-sexual dynamic, sado-masochistic relations and the struggle to deal with personal/sexual drama in one's past. I started to read it, but can't say much more than that just now...

That night, I was unsure of what to expect in terms of bedroom protocol. I got into bed first while he was in the bathroom, so I left my underwear on, just has he had on Monday night. I mean, if he doesn't feel comfortable having sex with me (for whatever reason), I certainly don't want to press the issue! When he came into the bedroom though, he stripped down to nothing, so I discreetly kicked my underwear off under the covers. But then he turned off the lights, got into bed, pulled me close and proceeded to "go to sleep" without anything sexual at all! So I was confused, and it was making me anxious.

He and I don't have a "relationship" I can feel secure in, so all I really have that gives me anything "safe" is the knowledge that he wants to have sex with me. That's how I know he's not going anywhere. If he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, I have no solid ground. I know this must sound strange, as I've known for a long time that this thing with him has to end, but at the same time, it made me feel endlessly insecure. I'm anxious about change, and very confused.

So I lay there thinking about all that, pretending to sleep. I kept shifting around, unable to get quite comfortable. At one point, my back was to him, and it was then that I "felt him"-- that he wasn't really asleep either (if you get my point). So I reached over to engage him, but he turned away and faced the opposite wall. What?!?! That was a flat out rejection, and it made me feel really bad and even more confused. Ugh! Everyone's confused! It's clear that he's confused too, but still-- I wasn't quite sure what to do. So I put it to the test. I don't want to get into details here, but I basically did something that any man would find it hard to resist as an invitation to sex, and it worked-- he turned back around and was on me in a second. But when it came to the actual fucking, he said he didn't have a condom. Did he not want to have intercourse? I couldn't imagine he was really out of condoms. I think he just thinks that if we do "everything but" intercourse that it doesn't count as sex and that it won't emotionally mess with me. Of course, he's wrong about that.

"I have condoms," I said... "In my wallet... That is... if you want." I didn't want to pressure him, but I was unsure of what was going on.

He paused for what seemed like an eternity, some inner struggle rolling in his head.

"Alright," he said. "Go get yours."

I leapt out of the bed and into the living room, and that was that.

Needless to say, the status quo reinforced, I felt a great relief afterwards.

The next day we stayed in bed for quite some time, but I couldn't play the day away. I had to get up and get to a voice lesson. Narc ordered in some sushi (from the truly amazing "Sun Cafe") but I only had time for a few bites before I had to go. And besides, Narc had to get to work on polishing his script. He wanted to give it out to some people he was having over for Oscar Night.

(By the way, if you recall, he invited me over for his "Oscar party," in the end of February, but it became pretty clear that he was "taking that back." He tried to talk his way out of it by saying he was only having 3-4 people-- all people who would be instrumental in making his film, so it was going to be primarily about the script.)

Later that day, I met Hammer for more sushi in my neighborhood. It was "Salmon-Night" at East. We had a great time, despite the fact that she is dealing with heartache stemming from the Wizard's bullshit insults. Poor Hammer!

In the meanwhile...

I hadn't seen TT since the Monday night lasagna dinner, as he was busy the previous weekend, and the week-nights are tough for me to plan. But I didn't want him to think that I was blowing him off, so I texted him early in the week asking him if he wanted to do something for the coming weekend. He doesn't really like texting (and says he never does it), although, texting is my preferred mode of communication. So he was quite happy when he figured out how to send text messages using AOL Instant Messenger and could avoid typing on the cell phone keypad.

We had been shooting little messages back and forth all week long. On Thursday I invited him to my friend's birthday party set for Saturday night. He agreed and we made plans to meet for dinner first.

So, that brings us to Friday-- my teaching hell-day. Yuck!

There was a little drama that morning when the Wizard tried to invite himself to my place to watch 24. I told Hammer I didn't want to be caught "in the middle," which she interpreted as saying that I had an equal allegiance to the two of them (which is SO not true!). But Hammer was just feeling sensitive. She and I ironed out the misunderstanding and I told the Wizard that I would be watching the show with Hammer!

After teaching, I met Contessa for dinner at a Vietnamese place called Saigon 48. (By the way-- if you're ever in the theater district, I recommend it. It had beautiful decor, good food and was incredibly reasonably priced for that area). I hadn't seen Contessa in forever, although I bumped into her last week at Cafe Mozart when I was out with Anxious after the opera. Contessa and I ended up sharing a three hour dinner, catching up on anything and everything. She is really happy with her current boyfriend and is contemplating a move from Princeton back into the city. Contessa also studies voice, and so we "talked shop" about that for a while too, deciding to check out The Colony for some soprano-mezzo duets. It's funny-- in college, Contessa sang soprano and I sang mezzo and now it's just the opposite!

I finally got home from my incredibly long day at around 10:30.

It was then that I got a text from Narc:
Ugh, dying for a drink...!

H: You home? How's the work coming?
N: At home, wrapping up work. What are you up to?
H: Just got home from insanity-day. After 6hrs of teaching I gave a 2hr makeup exam. Then had dinner w/a friend til 9. Then errands @ music store and DReade. Wiped!
N: Tres exhausting! Did a lot of shopping today myself.
H: For what?
N: Candles, towels, etc. I'm actually not happy with much of what I bought, alas!
H: Oh no! I like you in home-decorator mode, though. It's cute!
N: Got some great cubes to sit on. Wall cubes, etc. Towels and rugs are wrong color though, I think.
H: Well, towels are easier to find than cubes, so it sounds like you got the tough part done at least!
N: And acquired my air purifier slash humidifier combo finally!
H: I need one of those! Between Rochie and the incessant heaters...
N: Plugging in now. Can't wait!
H: Enjoy! About to hop into the shower... Did you want to meet for a drink later?
N: Not sure.. May just hang here, watch Bill Mahr, and sleep. I don't know, though. What do you think?
H: I'm game but will call you when out of shower to see how you feel.

By this time, it was around 11:00 pm. I called him back at around midnight. He agreed to meet me for a few drinks in his neighborhood. I headed down.

When I got there, Narc was watching the tail end of Bill Mahr. I watched with him and we chatted for a while before heading out to a new bar I hadn't been to before. (I forget the name of it right now). We stayed there for a few rounds. I think I had three double Jack's. I was getting tipsy for sure. At this point, I no longer remember exactly what I was talking about, but we were in a heated discussion about something.

Then at one point, Narc had to go to the bathroom. I noticed a guy in a tuxedo at the bar, so while Narc was gone, I asked him what was the occasion. He told me that he is Welsh and was celebrating St. David's Day at the Yale Club. Narc came out of the bathroom while I was still talking to the guy, and I started to feel guilty because Narc thinks I'm a major flirt. So I ended the conversation and didn't talk to the guy after that.

Then at one point, Narc asked me flat out-- "So, what's up with you and 'lasagna-boy'?"

Uh oh... There's always a point when Narc and I drink that the elephant in the room gets pointed out.

I told him that I had a date with TT planned for Saturday night-- that I had asked him along to a friend's birthday party.

"But I really don't want to get into it," I said. "Don't ask me about that!"

"Why not?" he casually retorted--as if there are no complicated issues attached to it!

"Because it's hard for me," I said. "I feel unfair to this guy-- I'm not starting him with a clean slate. I have mixed emotions, and I feel like I can't sleep with him."

"Well, you don't have to sleep with him," he said. "You can just be like the girls that I date."

"What girls that you date?"

"You know-- like Exhibitionist, or PopStarChick that I had one or two dates with-- girls that want you to pay for everything, but never plan on having any sex."

"That's not me," I said. "You know I'm not like that. I want to want to have sex with him. I mean, I'm trying to put my head there, but I just can't right now."

"Hyde! You're lucky that this guy is after you. You should take advantage of it."

"Let's not talk about this anymore," I looked away.

And then, he said it and surprised me--

"Hyde, I don't know if it's such a good idea for you and me to be having sex, then."

"What? Are you really saying you don't want to have sex with me anymore?"

I was drunk at this point, and feeling really insecure. I tried to kiss him. He pushed me off. That made it even worse.

"No really--" he said. "I mean, I want you, but don't you think we're acting like a crutch for each other?"

A CRUTCH? I wanted to scream. A crutch implies support. What kind of emotional support has he given me?

I didn't say anything, so he just continued on.

"I just think it's wrong on some moral level, or something," he said.

(Now, I don't remember this conversation in such detail, but at the time, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Once there, I called my home-phone and left myself a message. I didn't remember doing so until I got the message later. Basically here's what I said:

"To Jekyll, from Hyde! First of all-- stop drinking tonight! You're getting irrational. Okay, so I know that's not going to happen, but at least try to be aware of the drinking and take care of yourself and try not to be indiscreet. Second of all, here's exactly what Narc just said-- don't forget it in the morning!"

And then I repeated to myself as much of the conversation with Narc as I could remember. Pretty sick, huh? Ah, the mind of a blogger...)

Anyway, back at the bar, I changed the topic. Narc paid for the drinks which came out to be really expensive considering they charged $18 for a double-jack! Oops! We left there for a cheaper and more familiar site-- The Patriot. This was at around 3:00 am.

On the way out of the bar, I saw a group of Filipinos talking to each other in Tagalog, so I stopped to impress them with my skills (all, of course, learned from B!). I sang them part of Pasko na sinta ko and they were quite amused.

Narc and I went on to both get pretty wrecked at the Patriot and I decided that I really wanted to do some "medicine." The only problem is that I "lost" the number for my dealer months ago, and have since avoided getting a new contact. I really want to stay off that stuff. But that night, I wanted it.

I racked my brain for who might have a number (although realistically, no dealer would come around at 4:30 am!) and so I decided to text Oc. He actually wrote back, so I guess he was up partying somewhere too, but he said he couldn't help me.

Then I wrote to the Stallion: Please call me, you've got to help me out!

In retrospect, the message to the Stallion could be construed as slightly alarming, but I had no perception of that at the time.

I don't think Narc realized quite how drunk I was. They kicked us out of the bar at closing time, and Narc wanted to drink more wine back at his place, but I was bordering on a major black-out and I knew it. I managed to gulp down half a glass at his place (mostly for his sake) but it was 5:00 am and I was done. I had been up for 23 hours and needed to hit the sheets. So we did.

The next morning we woke up at around 1:00 pm. And guess what? We finally had really good sex again. In fact, it was awesome. Narc was taking the initiative and seemed to have none of the reservations he had on Wednesday night. I wondered what he did with them, but I honestly didn't care. It was amazing. Then we ordered in some cheap Mexican food and just hung out for a while. Narc told me that he had once made a demo to get into doing voice-overs (I told you he has a beautiful voice!) and he played it for me. I was cracking up. It was so cheesy. Then he had to run a few errands.

I agreed to accompany him to the hardware store because I had to leave anyway. I had plans to meet B at my place around 4:00 and then I had to get ready for my date with TT that night.

The hardware store was relatively uneventful except for the fact that I bought a hammer that I love. It is gold and silver and has lots of little screwdrivers hidden inside. It's a Matryoshka-hammer! Narc thought it was strange that I was so enamored, but I didn't care. It was a random thing, but it made me happy. Honestly, I felt like I was in an absurd mood--I was bordering on delirious. It's just like my brain wanted to stop processing everything, and then it just spotted that shiny, little, sweet, compact tool and simply wanted it.

So that brings me to Saturday evening and the date with TT. But for Part II of this post, you'll have to wait. I can't type anymore without my fingers falling off, and besides-- I have to get to a voice lesson.

A bientot!

-h-

Old School Narc

I woke up this morning to the following text (sent 1:52 am):

Come over after your class this morning. I want to see you.

Suddenly I feel nervous again (in a good way-- a girly way).

-h-

Bring on the Men!

So let's bring on the men and let the fun begin!
A little touch of sin! Why wait another minute?
Step this way! It's time for us to play!
They say we may not pass this way again,
So lets waste no more time...
BRING ON THE MEN!

That's what I'm listening to right now.

This past week I saw Narc on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And now I'm primping for a date with TT.

(Last night Narc asked me: "So-- what's up with Lasagna-boy?")
I don't know the answer, but I do know that I'm in the mood for sin.

Last night I went to bed at 5:30 am (having woken up that morning at 6:00 am!) I don't know if I have the stamina for a repeat, but I'm ready to be bad tonight. Hammer and her crew may meet up with us later.

I'll check in when I'm in recovery-- either tomorrow or Monday.

I'm out of here!

-h-

Dream-o-Meter: I am Lost in Oceans of Light

On Tuesday night I had a very intense dream that I can't quite shake. I woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat and scribbled everything down. It felt like something greater than a dream-- a spiritual experience of sorts.

I'll try my best to convey it, but it might be hard...


Dream:

I was in my bedroom with Narc, quarreling. He had told me that he was moving to LA because he had just sold his script, and I was upset. We weren't fighting about exactly that, but it definitely had something to do with it. I started to cry and said that I wanted to call my mother.

"Don't call your mom!" Narc said. "It's your birthday. She wants to think that you're here having fun, and it will just upset her!"

I agreed not to deal with it on my birthday, but to address it the next day. He convinced me to go to bed.

"We'll deal with all of this in the morning," he said.

So the two of us got into bed and went to sleep. The next thing I knew, I felt hot sunlight on my eyes, and so I was sure that it was morning. But when I opened my eyes, it was twilight, and my bed was outdoors. I recognized the setting at once. I was on the movie set of Bram Stoker's Dracula, (one of my all-time favorite movies.) The bed was sitting on top of the steps leading to the garden.

(To the left is a picture of the film set, where my bed was in the dream).

Narc was still asleep in the bed next to me. And there was music. Looping over and over, and shaking the trees was a part of the alto line in the fugue in the last movement of Mozart's Requiem.

Lux aeterna!
Aeterna!
Lux aeterna!
Aeterna!

Lux aeterna aterna Lux aterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna lux aeterna aeterna Lux aeterna! Aeterna! Lux aeterna!

I shook Narc to wake him, but he wouldn't budge. I decided to get up to investigate. I turned and faced the garden in front of me heading into the maze. (To the left is a picture of what I saw, only the fog was greater and the twilight darker in my dream!)

I began to hear a dull thudding in my ears, kind of like a heavy techno-beat, the shallowly sung alto line still echoing over it. I wandered through the maze, tentatively and anxious.

In the film, Mina runs through the maze at night looking for her friend, Lucy. She finds her on a stone bench being "ravaged" by Dracula in wolverine/monster form. In my dream, aware of where I was, I half expected to find the same scene. I did reach a clearing and see that very bench, only there was not a soul nearby. I noticed a writing desk. It was a Queen Anne style desk made from a dark cherry wood. I sat down. There was a black pencil and a sheet of paper on the desk in front of me.

The thudding in my ears and the incessant fractured Mozart seemed to escalate, and so I looked up. It was then that I saw, sitting on the bench in front of me (about 15 feet away) a woman. She had long flowing dark hair and a dark cloak. her skin was pale and her arms and face were round. She was colorless though... It was as if I were looking at a motion picture taken in black and white. And she had no eyes. Her eye sockets were empty but for dazzling beams of light radiating from them, shooting forward and uncomfortably illuminating my face.

"My eyes," she said.

I was terrified.

"My eyes," she repeated.

Her voice was feminine but sounded dead and it echoed.

"My eyes, my eyes, my eyes," she repeated again.

Then her voice became disembodied from her. Her refrain "My eyes" was now looping over and over along with the techno-like thuds and the Mozart motif. The accumulated effect put me into a trance-like state.

I picked up the pencil and paper before me and started to sketch a pair of eyes. For those of you who don't know me in "real life," I like to draw and frequently draw the same sets of symbols. I have been prone to doodling and sketching eyes my entire life. So I sat half-hypnotized and drew a beautiful pair of eyes.

Just then I heard an enormous fluttering. It was a fluttering of wings. An oversized raven with a frightfully sharpened beak was swooping towards me. I feared it would pluck my eyes out, so I cringed, and ducked behind the desk.

"Do not be afraid," she said. "You share my name."

The raven came and perched on the edge of the desk. Its beak was magnificent, very sharp, and made of a translucent amber. While I stared, the bird picked up the paper and flew the short distance to the woman still seated on the bench. She seemed to pluck the eyes right off the page and place them onto her face.

She stood. Suddenly her cheeks seemed to hollow as she morphed into what I can only describe as one of my drawings. (Again, I know for those of you who don't know me "in person," you don't really know what those drawings look like.)

Suddenly the green walls of the maze began to harden into green glass. I was terrified, as I have had a repeated mightmare about green glass for years and years.

(I know that seems kind of strange and I don't want to give the whole narrative of that other dream, but for the purposes of this story, in that other dream, some guy beats me up and then breaks a stained glass window and slashes my eyes out with a piece of green glass. I had that dream so many times and it was so visceral to me that I now have a "bad luck" association with emeralds and won't wear them.)

In my dream, I was aware of my other dream and I was frightened to be surrounded by all of that green glass. (Especially because of all the business about "eyes" and the fact that in the other dream I end up blinded.) The garden seemed to darken and transform itself into some kind of hyper-Romantic ruined churchyard in a maze of crystallized green.

"Haven't you felt my hand on your throat?" she asked.


Her voice, again, echoed endlessly. The thudding in my ears felt worse. It felt like an ear-ache and a punch in the chest at the same time. I didn't answer.

She extended her arm out in front of her and glided towards me with no greater movement than that. Her hand reached my throat and I felt her fingers clasp around it. It was an incredible heat-- an incredible burning sensation. It felt like my neck was melting, but it wasn't painful.

Suddenly, the glass walls everywhere shattered in an enormous cacophonous roar. Bits of glass sprayed up into the air, turned into emeralds and began to pour down on my shoulders. I screamed until my throat was dry and shielded my eyes.

"Bad luck! Bad luck!" was all I could think.

And then all was quiet.

I opened my eyes and I was surrounded by snow. There was no horizon-- no trees, no mountains, no structure in sight. Just endless snow and a sun-bleached sky. My feet were cold and wet, as I was barefoot and ankle-deep in it. It was as if I were in the middle of a blank sheet of paper. A wind blew and chilled me to my bones. I had to squint my eyes from the brilliant white light washing the landscape in blinding brightness.

It's then that I woke up.

I wrote down the dream then and there, but had nearly forgotten it by Wednesday morning when I got up to teach. I was teaching the early Christian Church in Roman Empire and one of the topics I was covering was "asceticism" and the founding of the monastic movement. I was talking about The Life of Antony and made reference to the depiction of hermits in Byzantine iconography. None of my students could make the visual connection, so I told them I would bring in an example and scribbled a note to myself to find some picture to show them.

After class, back in my office, I went digging online. Googling "St. Antony," I came across several websites listing the Saints. I was procrastinating, and had to fill my office hour with something, so I started looking up various Saints-- the patron Saint of singers, for example, etc. I looked for the patron Saint of writers (for Narc) and found that listed among them was St. Lucy.

I don't know anything about St. Lucy except that I had been fascinated by some images of her depicting her with her eyes on a stem. (In fact, I even put up a post about that back in October). So when I saw her on the list of "patron Saints for writers," I decided to learn more about her.

As I read of her attributes, I started to feel strange. Listed among her patronage, in addition to writers and (obviously) blindness and eye disease, were sore throats and stained glass. It's then that I remembered my dream.

Strange... strange.

The music in my dream, Lux Aeterna: The name "Lucy" is "light" or "bringer of light." The setting of the dream-- the garden from Dracula: In the movie, Mina runs through the maze looking for her friend "Lucy" and finds her on that bench. There was all that weird "eye" imagery in my dream. There was the presence of stained glass in my dream. There was a focus on my throat in the dream.

And here are the strangest parts-- When I was little (around age 2-3), I randomly insisted that everyone call me "Lucy" for a year. Then one day I got tired of it and went back to my given name. I know that sounds strange, but that's how my mom tells it! And in my dream, the woman said "we share the same name." AND, the weirdest part of all--What day was my dream taking place? The day after my birthday-- December 13th. What day is St. Lucy's feast day? December 13th!!!

I honestly had no conscious knowledge of any of that, but sitting there at my computer on Wednesday morning, I had a weird feeling that I had some kind of visit from something in the spiritual realm in that dream. Why did I "happen" to be looking up Saints the morning after that dream? I just don't know...

After that, I left my office and went to Church. But it was Ash Wednesday and the church was crowded and I didn't want to be among the crowds.

I'm not a Christian, in that I don't believe that Jesus was the Son of God or that he rose from the dead, so it's strange that I'd dream of (or be visited by) a Christian Saint. But I do believe in ghosts (I think) and in some kind of spiritual existence after death (I think). And I do think something strange happened in that dream, although I can't quite figure out what it was. I know what a normal dream feels like. There was something different about that dream.

Of course, though, it was just a dream. I'm just not sure what it all means. I asked B what he thought, and I asked Narc. Both of them gave me the same advice-- to sit with it and to let its message come to me.

So that's what I'm trying to do.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now.

I still need to tell you all about my Wednesday night at Narc's, but not now...

(Btw-- in case I left you wondering, the strangeness of Monday night's "inactivity" in the bedroom was resolved, much to my relief and I got my Birthday present.)

I'm not sure when I'll post next--maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe not until Monday! I'm having dinner with Contessa tonight and then going home to crash. God knows, I need the sleep! As for tomorrow-- it's another date with Double-T. (I'm a little nervous.)

Have a great weekend everyone!

-h-

PS: John Donne wrote a poem about St. Lucy's Feast Day which used to be the shortest day of the year on the Julian Calendar:

A Nocturnal Upon St. Lucy's Day, Being the Shortest Day

'Tis the year's midnight, and it is the day's,
Lucy's, who scarce seven hours herself unmasks;
The sun is spent, and now his flasks
Send forth light squibs, no constant rays;
The world's whole sap is sunk;
The general balm th' hydroptic earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the bed's feet, life is shrunk,
Dead and interr'd; yet all these seem to laugh,
Compar'd with me, who am their epitaph.

Study me then, you who shall lovers be
At the next world, that is, at the next spring;
For I am every dead thing,
In whom Love wrought new alchemy.
For his art did express
A quintessence even from nothingness,
From dull privations, and lean emptiness;
He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot
Of absence, darkness, death: things which are not.

All others, from all things, draw all that's good,
Life, soul, form, spirit, whence they being have;
I, by Love's limbec, am the grave
Of all that's nothing. Oft a flood
Have we two wept, and so
Drown'd the whole world, us two; oft did we grow
To be two chaoses, when we did show
Care to aught else; and often absences
Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.

But I am by her death (which word wrongs her)
Of the first nothing the elixir grown;
Were I a man, that I were one
I needs must know; I should prefer,
If I were any beast,
Some ends, some means; yea plants, yea stones detest,
And love; all, all some properties invest;
If I an ordinary nothing were,
As shadow, a light and body must be here.

But I am none; nor will my sun renew.
You lovers, for whose sake the lesser sun
At this time to the Goat is run
To fetch new lust, and give it you,
Enjoy your summer all;
Since she enjoys her long night's festival,
Let me prepare towards her, and let me call
This hour her vigil, and her eve, since this
Both the year's, and the day's deep midnight is.

Same Old Story

The RabbitBlog is brilliant. If you like reading letters about love advice, go check it out. I just got back from dinner with Hammer (salmon night!) and she advised me to check out Rabbit's most recent response. This to a girl who sounds exactly like your very own Hyde!

You have more instruments and panels on board than he has use for, and this makes you feel like your extra features - your wit, your intelligence, your complicated thoughts - are all useless. He's inadvertently chipped away at your ego, and the more he chips away at it, the less you like yourself, the more you want his approval, the more you go pandering for his attention and good graces, the less you like yourself, etc. It sounds sick and wrong, but most women have been caught in this terrible cycle more than once, and very very few of us are immune to it.

Here's the main thing to remember: He'll never get you, ever, and even if he did, you'd dump him immediately. You're trying to redeem yourself, and secretly trying to prove to him that he's not the mystery hero that he thinks he is, and you're going to fail on both fronts as long as you're with him.

Sometimes it feels good to be a cliche. At least there's some solidarity in it!

-h-

In-Between Things

(Thurs. March 2nd, 2006: I wrote this on Wednesday morning, just after teaching, so I'm postdating it. I'll post it now, even though I have lots more to tell. I spent the night at Narc's last night, and he finally gave me my birthday present. But I'll get to all that in the next post. Here's the news as of yesterday morning... )


News of Imette St. Guillen, a graduate student being killed (and likely gang raped) has freaked me out. She was hanging out at a bar on the Bowery on Saturday night. Although I haven't been to that particular bar, I've been to others in the area a million and one times, and quite often while drunk enough to have lost judgment, coherence and memory. It could easily have been me or any of my friends.

In the Narc department, it may seem as if he's backing off by not having wanted to have sex, but after he left my place (at around 3:00 pm Tuesday afternoon), he sent me FOUR emails. Then he texted me inviting me over to his place that night. I called him and we chatted for a few minutes that night too. I think he's a little nervous about the whole TT thing...

On Tuesday night I had a great cabaret class. I think I'm going to sing As Long as He Needs Me as one of my songs. It's an utterly masochistic song, so I feel a little uncomfortable singing it, but it's beautiful and a show stopper and I sing it really well, so I think I'll stick with it. I've loved it for a long time. After I sang it in class yesterday, one of the girls said she was almost moved to tears! Imagine once I memorize the words and polish the performance! I'm excited. Plus we're adding a second show. Yay!

I hadn't seen Hammer in weeks, so we had plans to meet up for a little while after my class. She got to my neighborhood early, so NDN joined her for a drink at Fubar. I met them there and we all headed to Cheers. One of the FourthFloorGirls was there, so I got to point her out to Hammer and NDN. There was also a guy sitting at the bar who greeted me with familiarity, even though I didn't remember him. He said I had bought him shots a few weeks ago and we had talked for some time about relationships. (Oops! Don't know what I told him. I guess it was potentially embarrassing, but he seemed cool with me, so whatever...) I didn't really remember meeting him, but he was a nice guy. I told IrishBird and Hammer and NDN about the previous evening's events with N. IrishBird likes to call him a "walking hard-on." I think that's kind of funny, although it's not quite true. I told her that despite his frequent "walking hard-on's," we hadn't had sex. Isn't it great that everyone I know is familiar with what goes on in my bedroom? Sometimes I wish I were less open about these things.

Anyway, it's pouring rain right now and I'm hungry. I'll try to churn out a post tonight to update you all about the current status of things with N. I made plans with TT for another date this weekend. I invited him to come along with me to a party on Saturday night. We'll see how it goes.

That's all for now...

-h-