Zombie Hyde (and another dream-o-meter)

I'm a zombie this morning. Last night was a disaster. I want to post again, though, to move that letter down and out of my sight.

When I spoke to Hammer this morning, she said that all of this is "normal," par for the course with me and Narc.

"Nothing has changed here, H. He's the same as he's always been."

But he's not. I think she's wrong. Ever since I came back from Argentina he's been treating me with increasing disregard. It's as if he really does hate me, and whatever muddled love was there has been used up.

I wrote him a letter for real this morning. I don't know if I should have, but I did:

**************
Narc,

All I have to say is WHAT THE FUCK?
And I hope you remember last night and know what I mean.

I didn't get to sleep last night until after 4:00.
Feeling like shit today.
I hope you're day goes better than mine.

-hyde-

*****************

I had such awful nightmares last night. In one dream I was at Cheers and brought two guys to some hotel. I didn't want to have sex with them though. (I know... even in dreamland, a pretty stupid move!) One of them told me to bend over the table and wanted to spank me. I did it, and was a little uncomfortable, but okay with everything. Then he started pulling my pants off and I tried to fight him. I ended up getting raped by both of them. They had a gun. At some point I scrambled away and couldn't find my cell phone. I don't remember what happened, but I did manage to get a hold of both the gun and the cell phone. I held the gun at them and called 911.

The 911 operator asked what was going on.

"I was raped, but I'm holding two men at gunpoint," I said.

She laughed and thought it was a prank phone call. She wouldn't take the information from me about where I was.

"Please send someone here to help me!" I kept pleading. "Please!!!"

The conversation went on like that for a while. Suddenly, I realized there was no one at the other end and she had hung up on me. I knew I wouldn't be able to shoot these guys and they knew it too. One of them skirted behind me and shoved me hard. I fell and hit my head on the corner of a table. That's the last thing I remember.

My next dream I remember even less clearly. It was a Narc dream with a lot of different parts. At one point, he called me from Waikiki Wally's and told me I had to come see him. I told him I couldn't afford the cab.

"So wait in the cold," he said. "I don't give a shit if you freeze. It's not my responsibility, Hyde."

"But it's so late at night," I said. "Don't you want me to get there as soon as I can?"

"Fuck you. It's not worth my time or my money! What do you expect me to do? Give you money? What are you, now? A whore?"

Later in the dream I was at my apartment with FightingMensch and someone else (I can't remember who it was) and Narc was there. I was embarrassed because Narc was SO drunk. He started calling me really awful names-- much worse than those that he has called me in real life. I kept trying to quiet him because I was embarrassed, but he thought it was funny and was flashing his teeth when he laughed.

Then KHill showed up. We were all sitting on my living room couch and he walked into the room from the entry area of the apartment. (Keep in mind, FightingMensch and KHill have never been here. I was kind of nervous in the dream-- wanted to make sure they were having a good time, I was being a good hostess, etc.)

"What's up, Narc?" KHill said, slapping him on the back as he came into the room. Only he didn't call him "Narc." He called him by his last name.

Narc tried to answer, but slurred his words and couldn't talk. I was embarrassed and tried to cover for him and smooth it over with them.

"Shut the fuck up!" he said to me, yanking on my hair.

There was also another part of this dream with BigSis in it, and FightingMensch and a game of "truth or dare," but I don't remember it clearly enough.

Anyway, that's it.

I feel like a zombie today. A conquered zombie.

Is it a Thursday?

It feels like eternity.

-h-