Went out with him; kissed him; liked him (I think); kissed him. Yes, did I say that? Kissed him!
The kisses were much better this time. Not awkward kisses...No.... They were good. This time they were sexual kisses. Yes! Real kisses. (And he was appreciative. I love to be appreciated when I know what I'm doing.) Better...right? I liked him! (Right?)
Well, in any case, he wanted to take me home. Guess what I said? (Shock of all shocks!) I said "NO!" I told him I didn't think it was such a good idea. Why not? (Because I love N. Of course! I love N! I love N! I love N!)
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I like you," I said. "And I need to take it slow and feel okay about everything."
That seemed fine.
Okay. It's all good.
I don't want to have sex with him. Not sex of any kind. Why not? Because I love N. I made that clear, of course.
"If I don't call you, don't take it personally," he said. "It just means I want to give you space. I mean... you seem to need it."
"Okay..."
"But know this," he went on. "Know that I want to call you always. And you can call me whenever you want and that your calls will ALWAYS be welcome!"
Fine.
I started to like this guy. And I kissed him. I kissed him A LOT. Like, several 20 minute sessions of kissing. Real kissing. Open mouth kissing. In MY BAR, no less.
And guess who was there? Guess who was there to bear witness? Guess who was there to bear witness to my kissing a stranger? The worst of all (I guess!). It was KHILL!
Shit.
But, whatever... Let them think I'm promiscuous. I don't give a shit. (Well, maybe I do...) No matter... I know that I'm not.
Ok, FINE... I'll admit it... I'm drunk right now.
I'm drunk and it's 4:45 am. I texted N an hour ago. Ignoring bastard.
He must be asleep.
I hate him with a vengeance. I HATE HIM.
God damn it! Why do I still love him? Even now! Even with Double-T... Even with drink...
i suck.
-h-
PS: May God grant me forgiveness so that I will not regret anything in the morning.
3 comments:
Unless you feel like hurting someone, you don't need forgiveness.
Hyde, don't *convince* yourself that you like him! Being "not Narc" isn't good enough. And Dan's right...you don't need forgiveness. :)
Dan, Thanks. But, in terms of the forgiveness thing-- it's not that I think that I betrayed N or that I need forgiveness from him. It's more like I feel like I'm betraying myself. I love Narc. I made a committment to him in my heart, even if he never reciprocated. And my sense of self is firmly affixed to my ideas about love. Right now I'm not acting in accordance with those ideas, in accordance with myself, my integrity, etc. That's where the guilt is stemming from. I feel like I need a longer post to explain.
Sarah, I'm not sure if I like him or not. It's hard to give him a fair chance and see him on his own terms. I keep comparing him to Narc and to how I feel about Narc, and of course he can't win. But, I had a good enough time last night that I'm willing to see where this goes.
(But there it is again-- a shooting pain. I do love Narc.)
-h-
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