For Better or for Worse

(Forgive typos, etc. I'm in a rush, and this got long. No time to edit...)

Well, I don't think it's a full fledged "break up." But it's certainly a step... or at least an attempt.

But before I get there, let's go back a step.

My date with Double-T threw me off. I was flooded with confusion and guilt. I talked it out with Hammer for a while yesterday. And I thought about those comments from Dan and Sarah-- that I don't need to feel guilty or ask for "forgiveness." Like I told them in my reply to their comments-- it's a forgiveness I need to ask of myself.

In November, 2004 I made a declaration in my own heart. I love Narc. I am with him and only him. I am devoted to him.

("You're not MARRIED to him!" B said.

"But..."

"Hyde, you're NOT. Commitment like that has to be reciprocal. And he DOESN'T WANT IT. And you can't have a one sided marriage. You're not married to him legally, and you're not married to him nominally and you're not married to him spiritually, so stop being married to him in your head!"

"But I love him," I said. "And that's how I know how to love."

"Well, stop it then," he said. "You're hiding from reality. You're head is working like a five-year-old's. Adult relationships are more complicated than that. You can't just throw yourself in with such an uncompromising, unrealistic ideal and cling to it no matter what. You have to be able to bend, Hyde! Bend!")

I was upset. That is, my world-view was upset. The entire balance was upset. My sense-of-self was upset, my notion of my heart was upset, and what I hope for was upset.

Yes, I had Double-T on the mind yesterday. Double-T and Narc.

That said, I actually had a great time with Double-T. We stayed out until 4:30 in the morning and didn't run out of things to talk about. (And the kissing was much better!). But, still... (and even now), it somehow felt wrong to me... wrong on many levels. For one, I'm not used to being treated like that, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I'm not used to being pursued, complimented, etc. in a non-sexual way. I mean, of course I liked it, but on some level, I didn't know how to react. My whole sense of power and what to do was thrown off. What did he expect from me? I felt very inexperienced. I like to be the devotional one in the relationship. I like to love and love and love, but how to be loved? I mean, B and I had a relationship of equals (sort of), and I guess ideally both people behave devotionally towards each other, but I have a hard time being on the "princess" end of things.

Hammer and I had brunch yesterday. Then Double-T sent me a text yesterday at nearly 4:00 pm:

Urghhh... Rough morning-- i mean afternoon. But well worth it. I had a terrific time last night. Hope you have a good day!

I had been up since 10:00 am. I guess he's not as used to the late nights as I am. I didn't know what to write back. In fact, I felt really stupid writing anything at all, but I made myself muster something up:

Yeah, it's definitely a lazy Sunday today! Thank you so much for the evening out. I had a great time too! :)

And then there was Narc...

It started with an email he sent me Sunday morning-- a link to a Salon.com article that used "Jack Bauer" as a profile of a male archetype. I wrote back to him.

Very cute. Thanks for the article. Hammer is here and I read it to her. Finally something on the internet, huh? But with no more "Prince of Persia" what shall you do today? We're trying to decide just that. I want to avoid the Superbowl. We wanted to watch the "Beauty and the Geek" marathon, but it doesn't start until 7:00. Oh well... In the words of V.I. Lenin, "what is to be done?"

:)

Hyde

I wasn't really expecting a reply and was shocked when one came in later that evening. NDN was there at the time, although I didn't really read the email more carefully until he left.

****************************

Narc to Hyde: (The breakup email?)

Tonight: going to get through my NetFlix (Bergman's"Wild Strawberries" and "Through a Glass Darkly"), then going to write. And keep writing. All week. For seven days. And then it will be done.

Just got back from the Wall Street Borders, where I saw, and then, moments later, felt myself being beckoned to, Robert Greene's newly-published "33 Strategies for War" (this is the fellow who wrote "The Art of Seduction" and "The 48 Laws of Power", both great books...). Opening "War" to the table of contents, and then flipping to the first chapter that looked interesting ("Create a Sense of Urgency and Desperation: The Death-Ground Strategy"), I found this (which, I have to say, really spoke to me):

"Like Cortes you must locate the root of your problem. It is not the people around you; it is yourself, and the spirit with which you face the world. In the back of your mind, you keep an escape route, a crutch, something to turn to if things go bad. Maybe it is some wealthy relative you can count on to buy your way out; maybe it is some grand opportunity on the horizon, the endless vistas of time that seem to be before you; maybe it is a familiar job or a comfortable relationship that is always there if you fail. Just as Cortes's men saw their ships as insurance, you may see this fallback as a blessing--but in fact it is a curse. It divides you. Because you think you have options, you never involve yourself deeply enough in one thing to do it thoroughly, and you never quite get what you want. Sometimes you need to run your ships aground, burn them, and leave yourself just one option: succeed or go down. Make the burning of your ships as real as possible--get rid of your safety net. Sometimes you have to become a little desperate to get anywhere."

Quite a wake-up call, and an extraordinary coincidence that my analyst and I are discussing this very thing right now (my asserting my masculine by declaring war--on my tired habits, on the uncaring world, etc--rather than basking in complacency, as I have been). So yes, will definitely have to go through this book ASAP! (Already read the first four chapters in the bookstore--rest of it deals with warring against others, rather than oneself, but still looks like great stuff all the same.)

Right-o, off I go then

--Narc

*****************************

I was reeling. It was clear to me what he was saying without really wanting to say it...

You are a safety net, Hyde...an escape route...an unhealthy comfort... part of what is blocking me from achieving my dreams. I want to end this, "burn my ships" to the ground, wake myself up, change my life! I'm unhappy Hyde, and change starts NOW. I will be working for the next seven days, so please don't contact me. I need to do this for myself.

The sad and scary part-- even though I love him, in many respects, I feel the same way about him. Despite our obvious differences, he and I are more similar than I care to realize. And some small part of me saw in his letter a glimpse of freedom. I know that I should be able to walk away from him; I should be able to end things when they're not good for me. But it all comes back to the blinding commitment I made to him a year and three months ago-- a commitment that is so irrevocably intertwined with my sense of self that I've been hopelessly trying to untangle it with very little success.

I love him. I can't walk away from this. I love him.

But in this letter, I saw something that had not been there before. I saw an opportunity. This is not the usual rejection with one hand, while clinging to me with the other-- what I've had from him in previous times of break up.

For example, last February he wrote:

Hyde--The honest truth is that I simply cannot deal with the drama and the crying fits any longer. It would be best if you moved on. Narc

but then

Hyde--I've no doubt that, emotionally, you'll move on much sooner than you imagine. Perhaps we'll hang out as friends one of these days, we shall see. Good luck with everything--Narc

In March he told me:

Off the alcohol and the radar whilst continuing to write and get in shape for the shoot. Am seeing someone. Won't be able to see you for a while. Be well.

In June, he said:

I am awake now, and we'll keep this simple: do not speak to me ever again.

But a week later, he added:

Back from fireworks, got your message. If you think it's possible to hang out as friends we can discuss that... Else we're probably done. Let me know...

In September he said:

...I shouldn't even be calling you. I mean, I'm SURE. But... I'm taking off for a month in about a day. And I thought I would call you. Because you sent me a text. Um... I don't know why. You just did. So I'm calling you back. Um... Alright! If you get this in the next little bit, call me back. Otherwise I'll see you in a month, or whenever.

And he's told me I can't be his girlfriend because I'm "too unhealthy" (in June), "too emotional" (in December) and because my apartment is "too messy" (in January).

As you can see, he always has to go away only "for a while" and it has always been my fault.

What shocked me about his email yesterday is that it was much more "true." No longer was Narc playing the victim, blaming me for being "bad for him," blaming me for keeping him stuck in a rut. Instead, he was taking responsibility for his own "rut," wanting to do something to change it. He was emailing me to tell me how frustrated he is... posing a probelm, but not a long term solution. All he could think to do about it was to write for a week. Write, write, write. It saddens me that he sees me as part of that rut. (Although, yes, it's true-- I see him as part of my own inertia as well).

So, the miracle here was this-- he was not blaming me! And so I responded differently, Usually, when he blames me, it lights a fire in me. I have to prove him wrong! I have to prove my love! To prove that I'm not bad for him and can in fact make him happy! But this time it was different... The burden is on him. It's his life to fix, not mine. Is he letting me go? Letting me go without having to violate the principle of love I am chained to in my own heart. Letting me go...

(How terrible! How wonderful!)

I thought long and hard about what to say to him. I am so conflicted, that I don't know what outcome I hoped for. I don't know what outcome I hope for. But I tried to be honest. Here's what I wrote...

*************************

Hyde to Narc: (and attentive readers may recognize some blog cut and pastes. It's nice to have processed all of my thoughts here already!)

Hey Narc,

Thanks for that.

It's strange, but I do know how you feel. I think that one of the reasons I have always felt (and still do feel) close to you is because I can see that struggle, that "war..." and I'm engaged in it too. (However unsuccessfully...) You and I have been a "ship" of sorts to each other and a source of paralysis for quite some time now. It's been a long time since anything has happened, no? Anything at all! And yet time goes by and things happen every day. It's like with my blog-- it glorifies the mini-drama, the meaningless minutiae and thereby obscures the bigger picture, the life-sized questions. I'll never have to face them down.

I've been depressed lately and in the mood to stay home. I don't like it. A few days ago I was watching "Dr. Phil" on TV. Some guy was saying that he had "run out of steam" for his 20 year marriage with his wife and wanted to bring another women into their relationship. "Poly-fidelity" he called it. Someone else feeling worn. Used up. Used up. Used up. I used to be hopeful... to have the energy to love. I used to be infinite. But I don't feel that way anymore. My reserves have been exhausted... Drained.

"This is no dress rehearsal!" Dr. Phil said. "This woman has given you four children and twenty years of her life! She can't go back and do this again!"

THIS IS NO DRESS REHEARSAL, I texted to myself.

So, yes... I think that I see you. And It makes me think of a conversation we had a whole year ago. In many respects, it was just another drawn out night of drinking and talking, but it stuck with me. It was the night before before Valentine's when I met you at Bar & Books.

That night, my leg was shaking up and down because I was really tense. You kept telling me to stop shaking and to look you in the eye. It was hard to sit still and stare at you, but you told me that I was most beautiful when I was "still"...that you could finally "see me" without the crap and all of the baggage and all of the stuff that we both carry around. I wasn't sure what you meant, or how I could look different to you just by sitting still. But at the same time I knew that you were talking about my facade-- my safety net... (or as Greene said: "the spirit with which you approach the world.")

We were both kind of depressed that night. We talked a little bit about art and the creative process and you told me that you felt unproductive. Narc, you're right-- it's been too long for you.

Later in the evening you told me that you had given a lot of thought as to why we met each other. For what purpose did we come into each other's lives? I had never thought about that (although I've thought about it over and over again ever since). I asked you what you came up with. Your answer actually surprised me. You told me that you thought we were alike. I was shocked to hear you say that at the time.

I don't know... On the surface we would seem to be opposites in many respects. But we're not. I guess this is all just a long-winded way of saying that I do know what you're going through right now. I understand. It's strange... The timing, I mean. I've been dealing with the exact same thing. I've been spinning my wheels in the mud for way too long. Time doesn't stop. That conversation was a year ago. It scares me.

And I want you to break out. I want to see you happy. I want me to be happy, I want you to be happy and I want you to grow. And so I'm glad you are giving yourself a kick right now.

Change is in the air, and although frightening (to me, at least) I think in the end, it's a good thing. I'm rooting for you. And I'm rooting for me.

I've got a new plan for myself as well-- a full and clean 8 hour/day work week. It's the only way to climb on top of my incompletes. And I'm going to get my sleep schedule on track. I need sleep more than anything (sleep at night, that is) and I think that with a more decent amount of energy the whole world will start to change color.

So, good luck with your work! I will miss you while you're working, but I hope it rewards you and I hope you can start to get yourself unstuck. I'll be working too. I know that you see me as part of your inertia-- part of the dragging life you want to lift yourself out of. But I hope that's not all that I am to you, just as I am trying not to let that be all that you are to me. I hope that we can find more to our friendship than drinking and television. I'd love to hear about what you're working on and to share my own stuff if you take a coffee break or need an ear.

Enjoy the Netflix tonight.

Lots of love (as always),

Hyde

PS: What exactly is it that will be done in seven days?

***************************

After I had sent the letter, I was flooded with anxiety.

WHY did I write that? What would happen next? Would he answer? Were things changing? Or was I overanalyzing? Is everything still the same? Do I want it to be the same? Do I want it to change? Am I losing this man that I love? Do I want to lose him? Should I have written back at all? Did I just push things in a different direction by doing that? Would HE write back?

But, in the end, I know why I wrote. I wanted him to know that I am not just a subject in his life narrative. I am not just his inertia objectified. He is also a subject in mine. I am struggling too. I am multi-dimensional and he has been bad for me too. I also have dreams I am struggling to achieve. He is not the only hero here. I didn't want to be acted upon and discarded. I wanted him to see my humanity.

In truth, I didn't expect a response. He rarely responds to emotional e-mails from me, and if he does, it's usually with just a sentence or two telling me to go away. So, I went to bed.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am, partially because my alarm was set to go off at 6:00 am, but mostly from anxiety. I checked my e-mail, and yes, he wrote back. He wrote back last night...

*************************

Narc to Hyde: (received this morning)

Indeed, glad to hear you understand at least a little bit of this. Time for both of us to "step up and take control of our lives", as Dr. Phil would put it. (And if that means my having to sacrifice anything and everything to ensure victory, then so be it...!)

(grin)

Let you know--

Narc

******************************

"Sacrifice anything and everything." Sacrifice ME. I heard him. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what this means either. "Let you know," he said. Our fate hangs in the balance.

But he opened a window here. Part of me thinks I should leap through it, while part of me is howling in pain.

And so, I'm not going to do anything right now. I mean, I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to wait silently. I'm going to do my work. I'm going to follow through with Double-T (although I can't sleep with him yet). I'm going to try to take it easy on myself, to nurture myself and to stay calm. I'm going to give Narc his seven days... his seven days of writing. He asked me for seven days. He needs that from me. He wants to see what life will be like in a new frame of mind. He wants to try it out... a test run. And I love him. I love him, and so he will have those days, no matter what I have to do to give them to him.

If it has to end with us, I'd so much rather it end like this than any other way. I can feel good about this ending. It can end with an act of giving, rather than an act of taking. I'm more comfortable with it that way. I can give him freedom. Letting him go as a loving gesture for him, rather than a selfish one for me. I like it better that way.

I like it better that way.

I'm still shaking, but that's okay. Time to go fumble through a voice lesson...

-h-