Are my feet on the ground?

I haven't been in the mood to blog much this week, and I'm still really not. I don't know why... It's been an eventful week though.

Monday night:
Monday night was my date with TT. Now that I'm getting some distance from the whole thing, it's clearing up in my head and I'm able to say that it actually was a nice date. I just freak myself out emotionally when it comes to trust and intimacy... and of course when it comes to Narc. I'm still not sure how I'm going to sort through or deal with these challenging and confused feelings...

Tuesday:
On Tuesday morning, immediately after teaching, I went to "wake up Narc." We spent the morning and early afternoon together. I still felt in control that day... Clear minded from the week off alcohol and energized from eating well and exercising. Also, the week or so I had spent apart from Narc started to give me some perspective. It was an amazing, thrilling quasi-indifference. I felt strong and on top of everything.

But we fucked, and that got to me a little. And then on Tuesday night I went out drinking for the first time in a week. Shit.

Wednesday:
The alcohol definitely had its impact on me. I was more depressed on Wednesday than I had been for the entire week before. I'm starting to wonder, knowing that I have blood sugar problems, if the way that alcohol fucks with my blood sugar has a major part to play in my depression. (My insulin med says not to take with alcohol b/c it strains the kidneys so I haven't been taking it for months and months. I'm trying to get back on it though).

Anyway, it was a long day and on three hours of sleep it was a mental challenge to make it through. But after my nap, I started to feel better. I went to choir and was on the bus home (at around 11:00 pm) when Narc called me. He invited me over to his place to watch Wednesday night's American Idol. I agreed to go.

(I swear-- he can sense when I'm moving out of his orbit. I was just starting to feel strong when I got three calls and three texts from him on Monday night, an invitation from him on Tuesday morning and another invitation on Wednesday night!)

Before heading down there I stopped into Cheers to say hi to IrishBird and had one glass of wine. Then I came home, grabbed a change of underwear, a bottle of wine and some cigarettes for Narc (as per his request-- I'm laying off smokes these days) and jumped in a cab downtown.

Maybe it's because I had just seen him the day before, or maybe it's because I drank again on Tuesday night... who knows, but I definitely didn't feel as empowered as I did on Tuesday morning. Instead, I started to feel major pangs of being in love with him as strongly as ever and I had to kick myself for it. It got even worse after the sex (whereas Tuesday morning's sex didn't have that effect on me). I just looked at him and loved him. Damn it! I still feel it now! It's that awful pining feeling in my chest. That "I love him, I love him, I love him, no matter what!" feeling. Shit! Shit! Shit!

That night all I dreamed about was him. I had a very strange dream--strange only in that I've never had this dream before. (You might have imagined that I would have, but I haven't.) Anyway, in my dream, he told me that he's "tired of pretending that he doesn't care" and that he "loves me" and thinks we should "be together." He said that he kept waiting for me to disappoint him, but that I didn't. In the dream I was elated. I'm not saying I want that in real life or anything, but in sleep, it was such a sweet dream. There are a lot more details, but I don't feel like giving them.

Anyway, at one point in my dream, I said "I love you" to him, but I think I also actually said it out loud in my sleep. I woke up just then and I was really confused about what was dream and what was reality for a minute because I was laying next to him. Right then, he shifted around a bit and I think he may have only been half asleep. He might have heard me, but I can't be sure. Whatever... I guess it doesn't matter all that much as I've told him that before.

Today:
I didn't stay there long this morning because I had to leave for a voice lesson (which went very well!). After that, I went to the Colony to buy some sheet music to try out some new songs for my cabaret class. I spent the rest of the afternoon singing before briefly meeting B for dinner.

Tonight I stayed home relaxing, watching past episodes of The Flavor of Love on VH1, which I find strangely addictive.

TT texted me tonight asking if we could get together again next week. I told him "sure," but that it's tricky for me to find a time on week-nights. I'm confused on so many levels with all of that. It's so fucking confusing for me that it's hard for me to write about at all...

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm back on drinking hiatus (despite the two-three glasses of wine I had at Narc's house last night) and I really should be on Narc-hiatus too, given that all it takes is two days in a row with him and I once again feel powerless and in love.

Tomorrow is my killer teaching day and then Saturday I'm going to the opera-- to see Samson et Dalila. I offered Anxious my extra ticket. I haven't hung out with her in quite some time.

So, here I am... continuing to be too confused to enthusiastically blog, but perhaps this moment of transition will soon pass. Part of me feels real change, and part of me feels the sweet powerful sucking force of the familiar beckoning me back. I don't know...

Today is the one year anniversary of my brother's accident. Don't feel like talking about it, but it's weighing on me.

I hope you all are doing well!

-h-