If At First You Don't Succeed...

Resolution: It's OVER with Narc.

I don't want to write about Narc right now.
I don't want to think about Narc right now.

But I do want to end it with Narc.

Perhaps in future posts I will explain why. For now, all I have to say is this:

Saturday night was a catastrophe. He proved that he doesn't appreciate me and doesn't respect me beyond all shadow of a doubt.

Then, last night, foolish girl that I am, I went running to him again. I spent the night there last night, but made a discovery this morning that slapped me in the face. (Surprised? No. Hurt? Yes.)

I realized that this can go on forever. The only thing to do is to white-knuckle it and grow up a little and somehow get past him. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it though. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when he calls, because I know that he will. I left this morning without saying a word. He doesn't know how I feel right now.

But at least I know step # 1 of my plan:

• Erase all saved messages from him (About 40 between my cell phone and my land line).
• Erase all saved text messages to and from him.
• Throw away his 8-month old ice cream sitting in the freezer.
• Throw away the Hawaiian lay he gave me last February from Waikiki Wally's (It's the only thing he's ever given me, and it was free!)
• Clean my house, stock up on groceries and start treating myself with a little more respect.

And here's what I'm going to say to him, should he keep calling:

Off the radar whilst seeking appreciation elsewhere. Be well.

(Some of you may recall the text message that sent me into a tail spin--the one he sent me last March: "Off the alcohol and the radar whilst continuing to write and get in shape for the shoot. Am seeing someone. Won't be able to see you for a while. Be well." Needless to say, he was not off the alcohol nor off the radar, nor did he get in shape, nor did any "shoot" take place. Who was he seeing? The Exhibitionist, for about two weeks!)

Anyway, my mind is in a fragile place right now. I don't want to lose myself to reminiscing. After all, I all too easily let my anger slip away. I need to hold on to that anger now, tighter than ever before. I need to stay motivated.

I'm not sure how I am going to do it. I'm not sure what makes me even think that I can do it. I only know that I don't hate myself as much as my behavior indicates. And I don't want to be treated this way anymore...

-A Frightened Hyde-