The Annals at One

Narc found my blog. He found it and I can't believe it. But as I already wrote this post out yesterday, and as this is the one year anniversary of when it all began, I might as well round things out and post this... Here it goes:

The Year in Review:

(This may be my last post for a while, as I'm going to be in Argentina until January 4th. That is, unless I find time to update tomorrow or over Christmas weekend!)

What a year it's been!

(Oh, and how life has been made lovely on a year of constant sleep deprivation!)

I won't hesitate to say that this has been one of the most difficult years I've yet lived. But here I am, another year older and wiser. Yes, in many respects I'm the same girl who began this blog last December 22nd "On One Hour of Sleep" But in countless ways, I've changed.

The second half of 2004 wasn't easy either. Last December, I was date-raped the night before my birthday party and dumped by Narc six days later. Was it a sign of what was to come? Or how I would choose to conduct myself over the next 12 months?

Well, the year is over and done with. But I can't quite "scrap it." So much of the pain has left me permanently marked. So much of life will never be the same. What hurt the most this year? The big three: my brother's accident (he was left permanently brain damaged and without the use of the right side of his body) my pregnancy* and its termination in June (I'm still not ready to explore the multi-layered impact it has had on my psyche), and my ever-continuing struggle with alcohol.

*(I know I never explicitly stated on this blog that I was pregnant, although it probably wasn't too hard to guess if you were a reader back in the first half of June. It was just too difficult for me to talk about in plain language. But I now have the distance of six months, and since this is like my diary, why should I be afraid to be candid?)

In any case, My brother will never, ever be the same. It remains to be seen whether or not he will be able to function with any measure of independence. The pregnancy? I still don't want to delve into my feelings on that one. But it made things a hell of a lot more complicated between me and Narc. And the alcohol-issues? I can't give up on that. It leaves me with an ongoing challenge for the New Year.

That said, although this year has been difficult, it hasn't been uniformly bad. Just as I had the "bad" big three, I also have the good-- Hammer, NDN and B. I strenghtened the bonds of my friendship with Hammer, I forged an entire friendship with NDN, and B and I are still plowing forward and evolving our friendship along with our lives. Those three have become my "constants" on a daily basis and I'm eternally grateful for them.

And let's not forget--It has also been the year of the blog! I've met all of you and thrived on your words. There were moments at which, I've grown obsessed with blogging and it's changed my life in ways that are hard for me to qualify.

However, more than anything, this year has been marked by the ups and downs of my relationship with Narc. Perhaps foolishly so, Narc has been reference point, my center, and a compass for my happiness. It has truly been the "Year of the Narc," for better or for worse.

And so, that's where I begin... With a summary of all things Narc.

Feel like a flashback, anyone?

The Year in Narc:

• December, 2004: I plead with Narc for something more than drunken late night sex-sessions. We break up.
• January, 2005: We get back together in the second half of the month; (Apparently, he was dating PopStarChick for the first half!) We go out "in public" together for the first time ever and he tells me that he "adores me."
• February, 2005: At Bar & Books Narc tells me that he loves me so much but that we're "bad for each other." He comes back to my place and we spend Valentine's Day together, although he masturbates in front of Anxious and doesn't give me a gift in exchange for mine. We got to the Whitney together and walk through the Gates project in the park. Later, he stands me up for the opera (followed by the best violent sex ever!) and kicks me out of the house the night of my brother's accident.
• March, 2005: I feel like I'm in a "cold crater." Narc and I aren't seeing each other, although we continue to drunk-text and drunk-call. I start to see the Stallion again. Narc calls me for comfort one night though. When I try to help, he tells me he just want sme to come over so he can "come in my mouth." Narc starts hanging out with the Exhibitionist.
• April, 2005: Early in the month, Narc tells me he's "off the alcohol and off the radar." Late in the month, Narc shows up at my place while I have the Stallion in the bedroom. I tell the Stallion to stay there, and then open up the pull-out couch and sleep with Narc in my living room, apologizing to the Stallion the next day. Narc tells me that he loves me but that he needs "to process," but then tells me that he's "not in a position to treat me well" and that I should "move on."
• May, 2005: The Stallion tells me that he "loves me," but I don't care. I love Narc, so I stop seeing the Stallion. I go to Narc's place for the first time in months. I dye my hair black and tell Narc that he broke my heart. We start spending more and more time together. I'm madly in love and tell him so. He tells me he "wants to make it up to me," but that he has a "steel plate" around his heart. We meet up with Hammer and the Wizard for burgers and later in the week for a dinner party. However, the last night of the month, we fight and he leaves me drunk, lost and alone in the street.
• June, 2005: I discover that I'm pregnant and Narc and I have a serious talk about our "relationship." We go through the whole process together, and although he's acting strange, I feel closer to him than ever. That said, I'm pretty emotionally fucked up by the whole experience. In the second half of the month, Narc and I have a violent fight. It gets really bad and I end up bruised. He insults me but then later cries to me that he loves me. The next day he pretends that none of it happened. At the end of the month, he kicks me out of his house for the Exhibitionist and breaks my heart. I decide to try to break it off. He yells at me that we are "NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!" I cry.
• July, 2005: For the first half of the month, NDN and Oc comfort me in my heartbreak. Even so, I start seeing Narc again, and he apologizes for the Exhibitionist thing. He's trying to keep his emotional distance, though and tells me that "blow jobs don't count as sex." We watch Wuthering Heights together.
• August, 2005: I decide to throw caution to the wind and indulge in my feelings of love, reveling in each kiss with him. I bring him a present back from California. But I'm drinking too much and have a few blackout episodes in which I end up with mysterious bruises in the morning. Things are definitely tense between us. By the end of the month we have our worst fight ever and things get too violent. It's one of the most difficult nights of my life and I'm freaked out. I decide I can't do it anymore.
• September, 2005: Narc goes to Europe for the month, but calls me before he goes. I think about him every day, but he never calls or writes.
• October, 2005: Narc returns but doesn't contact me for 10 days. He ignores my initial texts to him and then halfway through the month writes me a 1-word text: Back. A few nights later I get some drunk-dials from him, I call him back, and by the 20th, we are reunited with a long phone call. We start seeing each other again and I feel more in love than ever. He tells me he loves me too, over and over. (yay!)
• November, 2005: Narc and I continue to see each other more regularly than ever before. I still feel in love with him, although I am confused by my feelings for B and my date with MuscleGuy. I wish Narc would give me something stable to hold on to, but he is still witholding and difficult to pin down. He tells me he "never said we're not in a relationship."
• December, 2005: Narc and I continue to spend more and more time together, although he continually frustrates me by ignoring my texts for days on end. We still fight and he tells me he's "not boyfriend material." Even so, things seem to be going well. I spend at least half of each week with him. He texts me more and more frequently about mundane things (which I love) and he spends my entire birthday weekend and the following weekend with me.

Where will things go from here? Who the hell knows?

The Year in History:

While I rarely talk about my professional life or my school work on the blog, any student of history knows that whatever you're studying provides an eerie sort of backdrop--a sounding board for the rest of your life. Whether you're esconsced in the Russian Revolution or the Lutheran Reformation can have a big impact on your temperament, desires, and interpretation of personal events. As such, I thought I'd make note of my historical infatuations of the year:

• Fall/Winter, 2004: It was all about the Weimar!
• January-March, 2005: Hmm...Still Weimar. After a class on German Modernist painting last fall, I read the George Grosz autobiography in January and became obsessed with his Lustmord paintings. Weimar, Weimar, Weimar and Wagner! (I was brainstorming a paper on Wagner and the political left. The proposal got nixed by Prof PP.)
• March-May, 2005: I'd have to give it to post-WWII reconstruction. I was into that book, Jazz, Rock and Rebels that I read for class, and I was brainstorming my Adorno paper. Besides, it's the age of Elvis. Need I say more?
• May-September, 2005: I returned to my Victorians after hearing a lecture by Thomas Lacqueur, getting psyched for the Spiritualist photography exhibit at the Met (which I never got to see!)
• September-December, 2005: This semester has definitely been dominated by the emotional impact of the assigned readings for my Holocaust class. Without a doubt. It was rough.

A Year of Adventures at Cheers (and Manchester):

I got about halfway through this part of the post, when I deleted it, realizing it was ridiculous to attempt. There are so many random nights, random characters and random stories that I can't quantify them here! Oh well...

A Year of Comments!

My Dear Commenters:

My very first blogland visitor was Hammer, of course, as it was thanks to her that I began this whole crazy enterprise. But not counting friends and family from my "real life" before the blog, here's the order in which I met you:

Flash left me a comment on January 20th. I was hurt by Narc and turned off the heater as I left his house one frozen morning. Flash approved, writing:

Liked the bit where you turned the heater off!

(Thanks Flash! And thanks for being my first!)

Dan joined me on February 4th , also commenting on the subject of Narc. Narc had just left me a typically drunken message. And Dan asked,

As an ignorant guy, can I ask why you put up with a "whole lot" of abuse from anyone? Is Narc a celebrity or something? What's the point of a relationship if it's truly abusive?

(Well, Dan, Narc isn't a celebrity unless you read "The Annals of Mr. Hyde!")

Sunshine chimed in on February 6th , thanking me for having visited her. She said:

Thanks for the support on my blog! I'm really not always this much of a downer. I'll try to keep in touch.

(Sunshine-- you were right. You usually cheer me up!)

My crew stayed pretty solid until April when Charby joined us on April 8th . Charby has always urged me to be tough! I was depressed and frustrated and angry. She wrote:

Hey. Just popped by and I really hope things go ok with your bro. What you need is a punchbag to take it all out on, preferably not a real person! The first step to change is realising that there's something needing change. Hoping things start to go right or you get a break soon to chill

(Well, things still haven't been going quite right, but I do appreciate the support!)

On July 5th, I heard from Chapstick. I was grappling with a text from Narc that said "Back from fireworks, got your message. If you think it's possible to hang out as friends we can discuss that... Else we're probably done. Let me know..." Chapstick's advice?

Same from me here, don't even think of doing it Hyde, you don;t need any more of the shit that he gave you.

(Don't need it, but I've got it... And who am I kidding? I kind of love it...)

The very next day, I first heard from Spinsterwitch. Narc had caved and drunk-dialed me multiple times. Her wise advice?

Never, never respond to a drunk dialer...it only encourages the behavior and is usually fatal.

(Spins-- I said it to you then, and I'll say it again! I could have used your advice a year ago. My entire relationship with Narc was founded on drunk dialing!!!)

On July 7th, I met LavaLady. She and I were both broken hearted this summer and she brought her empathy to my blog.

Oh Hyde, my thing almost ended one year to the day of our first date, but I couldn't bring myself to end it until two weeks later. He lurked on my blog yesterday, and now I feel like I'm back to square one. "He paid some attention to me! It's love!", man, I'm pathetic. But a year is a year and love is love, so it takes more than a couple of weeks to get over it. I miss him. Your pictures of wig guy make me want to dig up my wigs. I think I will...

(It was good to know I wasn't alone!)

On July 20th, I met the mysterious Nick. He seems to have a thing for NDN, pointing it out in his very fist comment:

I agree with NDN, he always seems to have good advice. I wish I had such a good friend live right next door to me. With all of the hijinxes you two get into it sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

(Well, Nick-- you're right about that!)

Two days later on July 22nd, I had my first sighting of Mystic! His advice?

atta boy keep up the debauchery!

(Whether or not you meant it, but you can't say I didn't follow your advice!)

In mid-August, I was having a blogging-crisis and decided to take down my blog. It took such a drastic measure to drag Sarah from the lurkers! She left me a comment on August 17th.

Hyde, I will be sorry to see your blog go. Ever since I stumbled upon it i have really looked forward to reading your posts- they get me through the work day! Even though we have really different circumstances, I identify with so many of your feelings and experiences. Overall, it just really makes me realize how much we are all the same. hope this isn't too weird - i guess it's what the internet is all about. good luck with everything. sarah

(Sarah, your comment was very meaningful to me, as have been our communications since then!)

SwissToni stopped by a few days later, on August 21st and left me a long one! I was still upset about the situation with Hammer and unsure of whether to leave my blog up or take it down. I decided to put it back up. He wrote:

I am pleased to see you're back. I was a bit miffed when I added your feed, only to see that the first update I got was you signing off!I know what you mean about blogs though. I'm not exactly anonymous on mine, and several of my friends read it, but there are some things that I choose not to talk about... most of them family related... because although I can handle many things, I think it's better that some things stay out of the public domain for now (and my sister-in-law can rest safe on the assumption that I can stand the sight of her). My girlfriend often says she finds out what's really going on in my head from my blog. On the one hand that's sad, but on the other hand it is a valuable outlet for my thoughts and emotions that I clearly am unable to vocalise. I'm glad you're back.

ST

(I have to say-- I'm glad too!)

Finally, this fall, I added a few new friends. On October 18th, Alecya G came out of hiding to thank me for visiting her and to comment on great literature. (Great literature besides this blog, that is).

Hi Hyde! I was so happy you came to visit me. Your is the first blog I read...so I am a fan, as it were. Have you read the Brother's Karamasov? I think you might like it. One of my favorite parts has a character talking about how man chooses to be evil but is still in love with god and the idea of purity. Dan- you're thinking of 'Paradiso' in the Divine Comedy. It has three parts, Paradiso, Purgatory and Inferno. Most people never read the other two prts though, because (as my favorite enlglish teacher put it) no one cares about paradise, we want to skip strait to hell.

Just this month on December 2nd, as I was musing over whether or not to accept a date from MuscleGuy, Radmila came by and left me an earload of advice. How gracious of her to ask if I minded!

Hmmm, I've never been one to be accused of being overly tactful when it comes to sharing what I think....soooooo... I'm not saying anything unless I get the ok from you Hyde... and if you don't like what I have to say, I won't be offended if you delete my comment. Your relationship with Narc totally smacks of my relationship with my first serious boyfriend. I gave up many an opportunity to spend time with decent men, to stand stood up for hours waiting for him in a subway station thinking that he might show the minute I leave. Anyhow, that's ancient history... what I want to know is do you want to know what I think. If you don't, that's all good too. :)

I agreed to hear her out. If you want to know what she said, check back to that post!

So that's that.

I know we've had our share of momentary quarells and "comments-wars" along the way, but any real family bickers. And I want to thank you all for being a family to me over the past year. Like I said, this year has been very difficult, and it's been amazing to have a sounding board like this blog and real warm people out there, like all of you, to share my life with. :)

The Year in Numbers:

SEX, LOVE & NARC:
Number of Narc break-ups: 4
Number of Occassions on which Narc has said that He Loves Me: 13
Number of People (not Narc) who have Declared Romantic Love for Me: 3
Number of Sexual Partners: 4
Number of Guys I've Kissed: 9
Number of Girls I've Kissed: 1 (Wait-- no! She kissed me!)

NIGHT-LIFE HYDE:
Number of alcoholic beverages consumed (estimate): 2,080
Number of Strangers I've brought home (but not necessarily for sex!): 11

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
Number of deaths in the family: 1
Number of births (friends of the family): 1
Number of Weddings attended: 1
Number of Engagements Announced: 1
Number of Trips I've taken out of the tri-state area: 3

WORK:
Number of books read (estimate): 80
Number of classes taught: 96
Number of Term Papers Graded: 320
Number of "incomplete" racked up: 3
Number of Voice Lessons (estimate): 80

FRIENDS:
Number of times I've been in conflict with or irritated by Anxious: 7
Number of times I've had a major cathartic cry with B: 9
Number of times I've smoked up with NDN:9
Number of "culture nights" with Hammer (we need to improve this!): 8
Number of good friends who have moved away: 1 (I miss you VJ!)


The Year in Song:
I wrote this for SwissToni's "Earworms of the Year" post, but I liked it, and figured I'd include it here too... (The rule was to pick five songs. I picked six.)

This list was incredibly hard to compile, as the year has been filled with all sorts of deliciously wonderful music. Hell, my entire life is filled with music...constant music. What's interesting is that I never realized how much of the mundane stuff that worms its way into becoming an "ear worm" is so closely intertwined with the emotional unfolding of my relationship with Narc. Over the past few months, several songs in particular have surfaced and resurfaced as dramatic reference points.

January-February:
Take My Breath Away, Berlin

In mid-January, Narc and I were just starting to reforge a bond, after a December break-up and a few awkward early January "one-night-stands." I was at his place one beautiful snowy evening, learning how to play "Resident Evil" and later watching Top Gun with him, when he asked if I wanted to get out of the house and go for a drink. We were both in a good mood, laughing at the ubiquitous presence of the "Take My Breath Away" theme every single time Kelly McGillis appeared. But even so, I wasn't prepared for his offer to leave the house. You see, after six months of "seeing each other," it was to be our first evening rendezvous outside of his apartment (aside from the night we met). It was a big deal. (All that is included in my January 23rd post). From that night forward, the Top Gun theme made me happy. If I randomly heard it, the "Narc I'm in love with" would mentally materialize only to give me butterflies in the stomach. Of course, good times rarely last between the two of us, and by mid-February things were awkward again. Shortly after Valentine's day (see my 2/18 post), I tried to win a return phone call by reminding him of that song and that night.

I sent him a text:
Are you out tonight, or home being productive? I'm out & have had a few. Trying to decide whether to go home or not. (Top Gun theme on radio makes me think of u!)

He didn't answer me until 3:30 in the morning, but at least I got his attention! Later on in the year I downloaded the song as a ring-tone. It wasn't a good idea though. This summer we had some rough times, and every time my phone rang it would literally "take my breath away." My stomach would knot up and I'd want to cry. It was definitely a form of self-punishment.

March-May:
All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You, Heart

This is a favorite jukebox song for me. IrishBird (my bartender) and I played it incessently on weeknights, when business was slow, all throughout the first part of the year. We'd take turns belting out the verses and on the chorus, we would break into harmony as she bounced around behind the bar, impressing all of the aging bar-flies. She has an amazing voice-- a strong raspy country/pop voice, unlike mine which is a soprano and is much more suited to classical music, torch songs and show tunes. As such, I can sing much higher than she can, so we both appreciated the other's skills on this number. I think this song is a gem, as I love a song that tells a good story. However, the very story therein triggered a rather difficult discussion (and yet another fight) between me and Narc on the last night of May. That night, I played this song on the jukebox at Narc's favorite Tribeca pub. It was the overture to an incredibly difficult and emotional chapter in my year.

June-August:
One Night in Bangkok, Murray Head

Although One Night in Bangkok is the song, it is not Murray Head who I hear in my head! For me, this song is a classic when performed at karaoke by none less than PumpedUp (the owner of my local bar) and BarMan (another bartender/friend). Usually PumpedUp only has the gumption to sing when his patrons are wasted beyond belief. He whips it out at nearly closing time and it's always absolutely hysterical. Narc and I were drunk and dumbfounded the first time we heard this particular duet in mid-June (on the night detailed in my June 21st post). That ended up being one of the most intense nights of my entire year-- wait-- of my entire life! Of course, the intensity was not due to the notably stellar karaoke performance, but rather, what unfolded afterwards. Narc and I had a horrible fight which is blurred in my memory, although I still have two scars from the occassion, so I can't forget it. The episode was followed by some very heightened "making up" and an emotional fusing from which I have not yet emerged. Typically, the next day, Narc nonchalantly pretended to remember nothing of what had occurred. Even so, "One Night in Bangkok" became a sort of inside joke for us-- we laugh, but the memory masks something much darker. The song has been somewhat disassociated from that difficult night, as they now sing it at my bar all the time. It's inescapable! In August, I downloaded the tune onto my cell phone, but decided that it was even more punishing and masochistic than barraging myself with "Take My Breath Away," so I got rid of it in September when Narc and I were no longer speaking.

Just a few weeks ago, I went to hear BarMan play live (I posted about it on 12/6) and he did an acoustic version of "One Night in Bangkok." It blew my mind. Even though Narc was playing "hard to get" and ignoring my texts, I couldn't resist sharing it with him.

Unbelievable! An acoustic "One Night in Bangkok!" A true atrocity!, I said.

He never answered my text, but we laughed about it the next time I saw him.

September-October:
The Taker, Kris Kristofferson/ I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston

I just couldn't decide between these two songs, so I'm breaking the rules and including them both. I was obsessed with “The Taker” for all of September when Narc was in Europe and we were "over." (In fact I posted the lyrics on my blog on September 14th). I was still in "breakup music" mode, but I was done with the sappy "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" stuff. Now I craved angry victim music-- Janis raging and crying in her "Piece of my Heart," Kris Kristofferson angrily shaking his head at the gall of "the Taker."

"'Cause he's a taker, he'll take her
To places and make her
Fly higher than she's ever dared to
He'll take his time before takin' advantage
Takin' her easy and slow
And after he's taken the body and soul
That she gives him, he'll take her for granted
Then he'll take off and leave her
Takin' all of her pride as he goes"

Fuck Narc! Right? I was done with him in September. At least I tried to be. We reunited in October.

My second pick for this month, I Will Always Love You, could not be left off my list. I could have included it in virtually any month, as it's my signature karaoke song. (Remember--don't blame me, I'm a soprano, and it's a rare pop song that allows me to show off my upper range!) Over the past year, I must have sung this in public at least a hundred times, if not more. It's constantly in my head; I hum it while drunk in cabs, jetting across the city; and I have to admit, I love it, even though I know it's incredibly cheesy. I'm including it here because it made quite a splash in October on the weekend before Halloween. Let me tell you-- it was quite a sight to see NDN dressed as me for Halloween, stumbling drunk onto the stage at Cheers, impersonating me doing this song. (I posted about it on October 31st). He sang every dip and whisper in the way that I do it, and I believe he won himself a mini-fan-club that night. Even though I was running a fever, sober and cranky watching that performance, it was fun to be able to laugh at myself, too.

November-December:
Daddy Sang Bass, Johnny Cash

Oddly enough, this song seems to have followed me over the past six years from relationship to relationship. I was first turned on to Johnny Cash by a guy I dated in college. He loved to sing, although he was certainly no singer! He could clumsily strum the guitar, though, and he liked to hear me sing, constantly requesting this song. We would sing the verses together and on the chorus he would cry out "Daddy sang bass!" waiting for me to answer "Mama sang tenor!" I loved singing it, and I love the feeling of "family" and continuity radiating from this song. In the years I was with B, I regularly popped Johnny Cash into the CD player on road trips. B now replaced my earlier boyfriend, declaring "Daddy Sang Bass!"

Anyway, as you guys know, I saw "Walk the Line" in November (which I posted about on November 18th) and it prompted me to dust off my "Johnny Cash: Greatest Hits." "Daddy Sang Bass" was back in my life. Shortly thereafter, Narc and I started frequenting a country bar called The Patriot (perfect for its cheap Jack Daniels--I mean it-- they sell the stuff at unheard of low prices for New York City). The jukebox there is filled with Cash and Presley and whenever we're there, I find myself in heaven with a tumbler of whiskey and some crumpled dollar bills. Several times over the past few weeks, I've hooked the jukebox up with "Daddy Sang Bass." The first time Narc heard it, he thought it was strange, and then later, amusing. He has since started to chime in on the bass part (although he's also not a singer). I get to belt back at him in my best drunken country cry "Mama Sang Tenor!" all over again. As such, it's been stuck in my head on and off for the past few weeks...

And so I leave you with this:

If anyone is as in much of a mood for procrastinating as I usually am, and you care to back-read at all, I think that these were the most bizarre episodes of the year:

• When the police burst into Narc's bedroom back in January
• When I had Narc and the Stallion over here at the same time in April

It has been quite a year, hasn't it? Thank you all for reading! Let's hope that 2006 is equally rich in blogging, but a little more "sweet & low."

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

:)

h