I can't fucking believe it. These emails were written an ENTIRE YEAR AGO!!!
Sent: December 3, 2004
Hi Narc,
I know I just left your place a few hours ago, but after my therapy and some thought, I feel like my head has cleared a bit and there are a few things we still need to talk about. While it would be ideal to have this discussion in person, I sometimes have difficulty asserting my rational side when I'm with you. Instead, the immediacy of the situation always leads me to steer by impulse and emotion. So I'm sending you this email because there are a few things I need to get off my mind.
As you know, navigating our relationship has been emotionally confusing for me. After an initial period of guarding myself, I began let down those walls and invest my feelings in you. This has left me feeling incredibly vulnerable because there is nothing concrete, safe or stable about our relationship. In your message to me on Wednesday night, you said that you had a revelation, that you wanted to "renegotiate" our relationship and that you've been "very very unfair" to me thus far and that you'd "like to make up for that." Since the past is in the past, I don't think there's any point in "making up" for things that have already happened, but I'm wondering if you really meant what you said. Last night when we spoke something you said struck me in particular. You said that you need to direct your own life, and direct how you approach me in order to conquer past problems of just "drifting" into destructive relationships. While I completely understand where you're coming from, what bothers me about this whole equation, is that I don't understand how my needs can play a role in this. If you think you've been unfair to me, I wish that you'd listen to what I've been asking of you. I'm still not sure that you've been hearing me.
Last night you spoke about repeated negative patterns (I think you called it a shadow-self or something). I have my own set of negative patterns as well, one of which is to get involved with people who are emotionally withholding. What I usually do in this instance is to wait. I end up stuck in this "waiting game," waiting and waiting and waiting for my partner to "be able" to address my emotional needs as well as his own. I know that because I willingly engage in this, it is my own responsibility, but even so, it is exhausting and depressing and really bad for my self esteem in general. Like you, I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over. Like you, I want to take responsibility for my actions and not just act based on impulse and need. In light of that, I want to tell you again what I "need" from you if we are going to continue to engage each other.
First and foremost, I feel like I need to get my whole life into order right now. Something clicked in my head this week and I want to end this spiral of self-destructive behavior. I have been abusing my body and disregarding my emotions for quite a few months now. I know that this "self-destructive" thing is the only mode you've known me in, but it really is only one facet of my personality that has taken on a life of its own and has started to deplete the other parts of my life. I am just plain exhausted. I can't keep burning the candle at both ends. I'm also scared of my problems with alcohol in light of the fact that alcohol is what killed my dad. I think that at some point moderation is a goal, but I need to stop drinking on a regular basis right now. What I want is to slow down the speed of my life and not focus it around drinking. I want to create a nurturing and stable environment for myself. I think that our pattern of unplanned meetings in the middle of the night contributes to the overall chaos I'm struggling against. I'm not sure if what I want is a "relationship" based on love. The other day told me that I can't possibly love you because I don't even know you. Clearly we haven't had the chance to get to know each other. We might find that after spending a lot of time together that we are not even all that compatible. While I'm not sure what will happen, I agree with you that our behavior patterns have to change. I need you to be something steadier in my life if you're going to be there at all.
I've told you before that I have strong feelings for you, and I do. But I don't know if those feelings are based on need or love and I have no way of finding out unless we change things between us. Take the time you need to figure out what you want and what you are willing to offer, but as a minimum, I also need to restore my emotional health.
Bottom line, here's what I'd like from you: I'd like it if we could plan our meetings clearly in advance; I'd like it if our activities didn't only focus on drinking and/or sex; I'd like to really try to get to know each other in the other aspects of our lives.
I guess that's it for now. Give me a call if you want to talk or just hang out, but don't call in the middle of the night. My birthday is next Sunday, and as a birthday present to myself, I'm ready to do a little growing up.
Sorry if this letter got too long. Hope you have a good day!!!
Lots of love,
Hyde
Sent: December 9, 2004
Hi,
I'm writing primarily to apologize for flooding you with messages last night. I'm sure it was at the very least annoying and I really don't mean to be a nuisance. I'm pretty upset with myself for the weakness of my resolve both to avoid alcohol and to "play it cool" with you. But honestly, I'm tired of trying to fit things into boxes, and I've already spilled enough of myself to you that I'm not afraid to be honest anymore. In a strange way, although nothing is resolved between us, I think I finally "trust" you.
I don't know how much need there is for explanation. I think it's pretty clear to you that the ambiguitiy in our relationship is really difficult for me to manage. I've been feeling very sad for the past few days--an aching sadness that stems from frustration. I'm frustrated because I feel such a tenderness for you, yet it's a love that you don't want. At least, that's all I've been able to draw from your recent silence on the matter.
I know that I can be hyperbolic, but I can't help that. My heart is full right now. It's brimming with both love and sadness and I don't know what to do about it. I just can't be in this place anymore... I guess I'd rather that you be direct and tell me to go away than to do it with your silence. I mean, when I sent you that email last week I opened myself up to you. Since you haven't replied, I have to wonder whether you regard my feelings at all. I know that you care for me, but I can't understand you.
I don't know... I just know that I've been thinking about you and wondering about you and all of this is weighing on me. I have so much going on work-wise right now that I have to attend to, but my heart isn't there...it's with you. But I don't want to write another email so long that you won't read it. And I don't want to sound like a Bronte character either. So I guess I should stop now. I just wanted to apologize for last night, to be honest about where I am, and to make one last plea for us to change our style of interaction.
So that's it.. I'm going to try not to call you anymore unless we can really deal with some of this. It's starting to hurt me, that's all. I just hope that you find your happiness. I mean it Narc--I wish that for you most of all.
Take care,
Hyde
Sent: December 13, 2004
Hi Narc,
Hope you're feeling somewhat better. I think I actually caught whatever you have (regretting now that I joked about it yesterday morning). I've been coughing and sneezing and feverish all night. Plus, woke up this morning at 4:15 am so I could study before teaching. Really feeling like crap today... Anyway, the reason I'm writing... I'd really like to talk to you either tonight or tomorrow. Please let me know what would be a good time for you. It's kind of urgent for me... Basically, I don't think we should see each other anymore. I'm not getting anything positive out of our relationship at this point and I'm sick of feeling bad and I want to be able to move on. But I care about you enough that I don't want to do this over email--only wanted to let you know what it was about... So please let me know when you can talk.
Guess that's it for now...
love,
Hyde
Sent: December 14, 2004
Hey Narc,
I'm not sure if you're going to call me in regards to yesterday's e-mail, or if you just want to leave it at that and never contact me again. Either way, it's obviously up to you, but I can't help it right now--I have to tell you a few more things before I can close the book on this. Do with these thoughts what you will.
I was just was clearing out my voice mail (still haven't found my cell), when I heard two messages that you left me on Friday night...that awful night. I don't remember them at all, although I must have heard them at the time. In fact, I have very little memory of anything that went down between us that night except that we got in a terrible fight and that when I awoke the next day I was flooded with an awful wrenching feeling of everything being wrong. Hearing those messages now, in the middle of the day, sitting in my office at school...it's very jarring to me. But honestly, it's helping to put some things into perspective. From the messages, it's clear how unstable you think I am. It's just not that way. I know that you don't "see" me. I'm one of the strongest people that I know--someone who has always been successful and able to take care of myself and of everyone that I love as well. Like I said in my e-mail two weeks ago, the self-destructive thing is only a part of my personality--one that developed to help me cope with some difficult things. You don't have to believe me, and I don't know why I even care anymore... I guess I just don't want to leave you with that kind of impression of me.
But back to your messages... To remind you--in your first message you said that I am "all about being shit" and that I'm "all about living shit" and that you can't be a part of that. In your second message you said you were "dealing with my shit right now" and to call you back if I "feel like dealing with your shit." I know you were drunk when you left those messages, so I won't take them at face value, and I also know I was being awful on Friday, so I'm incredibly sorry for that. But really, I was angry and confused and just so sad. I was so sad all week and I feel like I've been hitting my head against a wall with you.
I am already starting to pull my life back together. (Not like I had even screwed anything important up, but you know what I mean...) It's harder to do, though when there's all of this emotional crap still unresolved between us. Obviously you and I internalize the world quite differently. I don't know how you are, but my feelings often overwhelm me. When I let down my guard to you and let myself feel love for you, it scared me. After November 20th, (the day you met me at KGB), I decided to let myself go and let myself trust you. I ditched the other guy I had been dating and I started telling people that I was unavailable when they asked. But I don't know if that was even true!
What do I know to be true? That based on how you've acted, you don't care about who I am nor do you want to do anything to get to know me better. You've made it quite clear that I'm not even worth the sacrifice of once or twice making the "long trek" into midtown, despite the fact that I've spent hundreds of dollars on late night cabs and inconvenienced myself time and again to see you. It's clear that there's nothing outside the bedroom that you'd ever like to share with me, that you're not interested in meeting my friends, not interested in sharing my life, nor are you interested in inviting me to be a part of your life. You don't want to go out to lunch or dinner; you can't handle seeing a movie; you're not willing to visit a museum; we can't go chat over coffee, or even just hang out and talk on the phone.
Your actions tell me that I'm not worth any kind of courtship, nor do I warrant or deserve any kind of treatment that would make me feel special. Narc-- the messages that you have been sending me, intentional or not, are that I have no value. I am worthless. I've started to feel worthless being with you. What hurts the most is that not only am I not worthy of an emotional investment (which I understand is scary), but I don't even merit the investment of your time, of a little planning, of anything at all besides a call in the middle of the night to come fuck you. It's not fun anymore. I feel like shit. And when I feel like shit, I start treating myself like shit and then hate myself even more for the mistakes that I make...which leads back to Friday night. I just couldn't hold this all together this week. When you treat people like shit, Narc, eventually all they can offer you is shit in return.
I have wanted to give myself to you. I have wanted to share things with you. And I've repeatedly pleaded with you for better treatment. Even though you've consistently acknowledged that "we have to talk," you've never offered an inch...you're just unwilling to risk yourself. You're right about Friday. I want to scrap whatever is left of it from my memory because I was "all about living shit." I don't want to do that anymore. That's why I sent you that e-mail yesterday.
I hope that you understand a little better what I've been going through with this. I feel like I've learned a lot from all this...about what I require in a relationship and about trying to be strong enough to ask to be treated with respect. I hope that you've learned something useful about yourself too.
I really do care about you... you know that. And you know how much I would love to hear something back from you about all this. (Silence is deafening to me). But like I said yesterday, I'm tired of asking for scraps and being grateful when I get crumbs. Handle this however you want to...however you need to. I need to get my heart out of this and move on...
Lots of love,
Hyde
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