I just re-read Hammer's post on "choices" from a few weeks ago. I've been perusing Kierkegaard since she put that up. This afternoon I sent Narc an email with two quotes-- Hammer's quote and another on masks. And love. Masks and love. Masks and love and choices. Who cares what he thinks of it... I'm tired of predicting what he's going to think about everything.
Anyway, I already told you about Friday's date with MGuy. So now I'll continue on with stories from the weekend...
Oh, and I should add-- I forgot to include a bit about Friday. First of all, B got me an Ipod Nano for my birthday/Christmas and it arrived in the mail that day! I was SO excited!
Also-- I had sent Narc a text on Thursday, asking him whether he enjoyed a gallery show that afternoon. He never replied. So on Friday afternoon, while I was lunching with B, I complained about it.
"Am I crazy, or is it not nice of him to ignore me like that?" I demanded.
"He's the one who's crazy!" B said. "There's absolutely no reason not to answer a text for 24 hours, as a courtesy. I mean, that's minimal!"
It made me sad. I was getting angry at Narc. Is common courtesy too much to ask for? When I sent him a second text on Friday afternoon, and never received a reply I was nearly driven mad. All of this coinciding, of course, with the emotional stress and confusion of a date with someone new. So Friday night at 4:07 am, after my date, and in the company of NDN, I sent Narc a "belligerent" text.
Thanks for answering back earlier, I wrote.
Again... no response.
Saturday:
That said, all in all, Saturday turned out to be a fabulous day, once I was past my hangover. I ate a hamburger for lunch and met NDN at the opera at 1:00. We had tickets to see Carmen. However, when I woke up and saw the text that I had sent the Narc, I panicked. I didn't want him to be mad at me. So I sent him another:
Sorry for the text/call late last night. Had a lot on my mind yesterday. On my way to see Carmen, so thinking of you & Nietzsche. Hope you're having a good day!
I have to say--the cast was fabulous-- especially Marcello Giordani as "Don Jose." NDN was carrying an enormous ham sandwich and had to hide it in his jacket. We were sitting next to Russian speakers. NDN bumped legs with the old woman next to him once, and after the first intermission she switched seats with her husband. We had a few laughs about it. He bought us both glasses of champagne at intermission and I bought some chocolate. How decadent! I absolutely love Carmen, and he said he really enjoyed the opera as well. His favorite line came in Act III when Don Jose exclaims, "I'll force you to follow the fate that binds your destiny to mine!" Mmm... I can never get enough of romantic violence and degenerate madness. It excites me!!!
After the opera, we exited into the crisp winter air. (It reminded me of a night I spent on the plaza there in the winter of 1998, kissing a boyfriend at the time). There was a large group of high school students amassed in front of the fountain and Christmas tree, shabbily trying to sing some carols. We stood and joined them for a moment or two before moving on. The plan? Head back to the East Side for some "all you can eat" sushi before catching BarMan's show at 7:00.
We ended up getting on the bus, instead of taking a cab, which turned out to be a mistake, as it took forever to get to the sushi place. To make matters worse, I had to pee, and NDN wanted to stop and shop for Christmas lights! We trekked on in the cold, finally arriving at the restaurant at about 6:15.
As NDN put it, it was the fastest trip in and out of Sounkyo Sushi ever! (Usually the service is really slow there.) We sat at the sushi bar and I watched NDN scarf down more sushi than I ever thought imaginable. Then we headed to Cheers.
Just as BarMan was about to begin his first set, we arrived. He greeted me over the microphone, which embarrassed me a little. (Yes, I have a shy streak!) It was strange-- a sort of "who's who" of the Cheers world (except, no KHill. I was disappointed. I wanted to point him out to Hammer). No one was there except for the regulars, and a few of BarMan and ThursdayGirl's friends. NDN had planned to meet a "J-date" there, so when she arrived, I moved over to the bar to talk to another of the regulars. PumpedUp's cousin was tending bar (I still need a name for him. He only works Sundays, though, so I never see him). Soon later, Hammer arrived. She was wearing a cute skirt.
"To compete with Anxious," she explained.
I thought it was funny.
We stayed until the end of the show and for a little while after. The last song BarMan performed was an acoustic version of "One Night in Bangkok," a favorite karaoke number for him and PumpedUp and sort of an inside joke for me and Narc. I couldn't resist. I had to share it with Narc. (And why not?)
I wrote:
Unbelievable! An acoustic "One Night in Bangkok!" A true atrocity!
ThursdayGirl told me to text her to find out where they were relocating to, as Hammer, NDN and I decided to stay at Cheers a little longer. I was pretty sure they were heading to Paddy Reilly's where I had hung out with BarMan and ThursdayGirl last month. Before leaving Cheers, I sang "Manic Monday." I had a lot to drink-- not sure how many, but at least seven or so by the time we left there. But when we got to Paddy Reilly's, we didn't see our crew. Somehow we got past the doorman without paying a cover. We drank some more and hung out in the back room. Hammer was having fun dancing. NDN was having fun trying to make people feel "awkward," although as we discovered, he can dish it, but he can't take it.
At some point, we decided we were hungry (at least I was; NDN had gorged himself on the sushi), and we went to a ghetto Chinese place at the end of the block. Some crazy guy came in the restaurant and was creeping Hammer out. That's when NDN told her how to send the Wizard a sexy text in Spanish. I complained about being upset with Narc. It had now been two days and I hadn't received a response from Narc to any of my texts. I told them that I was mad... crazy mad! And that I wanted to murder him. Too much Carmen on the brain, I think. Although, Narc does drive me crazy, and I have to say, I identified a little with "Don Jose"-- it's hard to give things up, give up pieces of yourself, and put yourself out there making yourself vulnerable for someone when you can't expect any returns. Especially since there are returns sometimes and not others. It's the unpredictability of the thing that hurts the most. Hammer suggested that I was flooding him with contact and that I needed to give him space. She said that I shouldn't make so much out of not getting a response. So I tried to explain that what hurts the most is the irregularity of everything with him. I never know what to expect-- when he's going to be on and when he's going to be off, and it's hard to let myself be vulnerable when I never ever know what's coming next.
After eating, we went back to Paddy Reilly's and started dancing with a group of strangers. I'm not sure how that transpired and I left shortly after to find BarMan and the crew. I called ThursdayGirl and she told me that they were at Third & Long. Hammer wanted to stay at Paddy Reilly's though, and as she didn't want to stay alone, NDN volunteered to stay with her. I set out on my own.
When I got to Third & Long, I didn't see BarMan and the gang there, but I did bump into Anxious and BulgarianGuy. Anxious was wearing a black strapless dress and a little white fur coat. Who dresses like that to go on a pub crawl? It was ridiculous. BulgarianGuy got on the phone and found out that the group had moved down the street to a place called Whiskey River. We set off, and I sent NDN a text telling him where he and Hammer could find us. I wasn't there for long before the two of them arrived. Hammer didn't stick around. (I'm pretty sure she went off to see the Wizard). And NDN got stuck talking to Anxious, while I just stood at the bar and downed several more. At that point I was flat out drunk, and still very upset with Narc for ignoring me and making me feel like shit. Again, I don't remember the end of the night--only that NDN and I took a cab home and that I insisted on going back to Cheers while he went to bed.
I wrote myself at text at around 2:30 am:
You are blacking out. They are playing "Hit me with your best shot."
It scares me that I can text and spell correctly and know that I'm blacking out, and still black out. Oops.
Sunday:
On Sunday morning I woke up to find my house a wreck. I must have fallen into the bookshelf or something, because everything was off the shelf and all over the floor. I saw that I had written Narc a smutty text the night before--well, a sexy text, but one not appropriate for the blog. Even that-- no response. I felt so completely and utterly rejected. I felt entirely worthless and I wanted to cry. I needed to get myself together in time to get to Long Island for my mom's birthday. When I called her to tell her what train I would be on, she told me how happy she was to have "all her babies" with her on her 60th birthday. She said that she was proud. It made me feel worse.
What am I? I thought. A 27 year old alcoholic, sinking further and further into depravity. Worthless to Narc; worthless as a daughter. Shit. Just shit.
I hated Narc! I decided to be done with him for good.
Nevertheless, I pulled myself together and made it to the train on time. While on the train, I sent B a text:
I hate myself. I'm shutting down my heart for Narc. Hate him even more than I hate me. On train with my Ipod. Love it! But lonely. Mom is 60, and me? Bad daughter.
B called me back right away. He yelled at me.
"You are the most amazing person I know!" he said, "with the kindest sweetest heart in the world. Don't ever give anyone the power to make you feel worthless. You can do this thing. You just have to do it!"
I really love him, so.
Anyway, my mom's birthday event was nice. I walked into my parents' house to the best possible surprise! There was my stepbrother sitting in the living room, watching the football game with Bro-in-Law and JBC! It was the first time since February that I've seen him out of the hospital! Later, my grandpa and my aunt and uncle came by. My sisters and I bought my mom a set of 16 gorgeous dessert plates that she had picked out. My stepcousin also stopped by with his father in law and his 15 month old baby boy. (Such a cute baby!) It was sad though... My stepbrother was trying to talk to the baby, but doesn't really have the words, and the baby was repeating him and he was then repeating the baby and it made me depressed. That said, my stepbrother is very clear on what he wants and doesn't want, and seems frustrated at not being able to say so, but it's clear that there is some thought process going on. He does have some language skills-- he can say "yes" and "no" and he knows a few short phrases. So we'll see... As long as he's still progressing, right?
But despite being around my family, I was depressed all afternoon. Then, at around 4:00, I FINALLY heard back from Narc. He left me a voice mail and said:
Hey, it's me. I got your message. It's a little bit after 3:00 on Sunday. Ugh! Partied WAY too hard on Friday night all the way through Saturday morning and part of Saturday afternoon. So my sleeping schedule is all screwed up now and I'm think I'm still recovering. But I'm going to this lecture right now at 4:00 on the Upper West Side. I think the lecture's like 4 hours long. It's gonna be a long one. But I thought I'd see what you're up to afterwards. So give me a call on my cell when you get this. Okay? Bye.
I vowed not to answer him. I would let HIM sit and wonder where I went to for four days! How would HE like that? But damn it, I couldn't. It's just not in me. It's not my style. So, I held out for a few hours-- as long as I could, and then I sent him a text:
Won't be home til tonight. Not sure what time, but can text you later.
After that, my family headed to an Armenian restaurant for dinner. (Yum! You may or may not know, my dad was Armenian, so that kind of food is always a treat). I think my mom enjoyed her birthday. Towards the end of the meal, I got another text from Narc:
Just back in from lecture. Getting McDonald's!
If you recall, Narc is a vegetarian (ever since he had a vision in which an angel told him to become one), but he fell off the wagon with me a week and a half ago or so and ate a Big Mac. Apparently he was ready to do it again.
I didn't write back until I was on the train on my way home.
Naughty boy, I said. Hope it was good. Was the lecture interesting?
Narc: Ugh, no more fast food! Lecture was good, feeling down though.
Hyde: Me too.
Narc: When are you coming back in?
Hyde: Another hour or so. Mom's bday today, so on LI. On train now though.
Narc: Call when in.
Hyde: Will do.
I didn't call him right away when I got home. Instead, I took a shower, watched an episode of "All in the Family" and tried to will my depression to go away. (I'm such a rebel, right? Making him wait like that.) It wasn't working. I felt lost and powerless and bad about myself in a million ways. Whatever... I called him.
"Yeah, I got your texts," he said. "I was out with James and CouchSleeper on Friday night. We stayed up the entire night doing lines, and were coked up well into Saturday afternoon. I didn't get to bed until late in the day on Saturday and then I woke up at 3:00 am Saturday night/Sunday morning. So my schedule is fucked up. Plus, there's a big red wine stain on my floor now."
(I thought of when he spilled that wine on me in August).
"So, what are you up to now?" I asked.
"Um, just lounging around. You?"
"Just lounging around too."
Damn it! Was he going to invite me over or not? I can't stand it! He won't even admit that he wants me just a little. He won't even put out a CRUMB for me!
"So do you want to hang out?" I finally demanded.
"Um, well, yeah... If you want," came his reply-- as if he couldn't care less.
"Fine. I'll let you know when I'm on my way."
At 10:38, I wrote to him: Heading down.
Narc: K. Apartment has been tidied!
As for the rest of the evening, and Monday, some drama definitely ensued. (I told Narc I loved him, he said I'm "not girlfriend material," like I said...) but you'll have to wait for Part III for that. It's late and I'm exhausted and I need to do the dishes now.
-h-
PS: I'm dead tired-- too tired to spell check/edit, so forgive any errors!
1 comment:
good girl!! you do those dishes!
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