Kickin' It! (Stallion Style)

Hope you all had a fabulous weekend!

I have to add a little disclaimer here again, that this post might be a little "too much information." Also, before I get into talking about my weekend, I need to go back a bit and say a few more words about Friday night.

First of all--the funniest part about being at Scores with NextDoorNeighbor: Two gorgeous blond strippers approached us, trying to get us to buy a lap-dance. NextDoorNeighbor struck up a conversation. It turns out they're Russian. He started talking to them in Russian, and I started telling them about my summer in St. Petersburg. No lap-dance was had, but I thought it was so typical of us!

Second of all--On Friday night I got to meet Sunshine! I'm glad she says that she had fun. I feel bad that I don't have much more to say about it here, but I was pretty drunk by the time she arrived at Cheers with her friends. As such, I feel like I'm not the best judge of the evening. (Sunshine, if you want to comment on it at all, feel free!) Why did I get so drunk and high on Friday? Mostly because I was all thrown off by the recent discovery of Narc's "new girl's" website. Ughh! In any case, Sunshine and I spotted each other as she made her way to the back of the bar. It was strange. I ordered rounds of drinks for us and tried to point out all of the various characters from my blog (IrishBird, PumpedUp, BarMan, etc.) But as it was karaoke night, it wasn't so amenable to talking. I'm glad that she got to see Cheers, but the next time she's in NY we'll have to do something that is more conducive to a good long chat.

I totally don't remember the end of the night or how I got home. All I know is that I felt like shit the next day; my head was pounding; and I had several outgoing and incoming calls on my cell from the Stallion.

At around 1:00 pm on Saturday afternoon, the Stallion sent me a text:

So, will see you 2nite between 9 and 10?

What? Oops! Did I talk to him and make plans with him while I was drunk? No way! I had to do something about that because I had already scheduled dinner plans with my friend NV. I called NV and did some shuffling, moving my dinner plans up an hour. Then I called the Stallion and told him that I could meet him at around 10:00 pm. He said that he was "sorry" he couldn't come fuck me on Friday night, and that he had wanted to really badly. (Is that what I had called him for? I have a lot of gall!) He said that he was stuck at home because he had to take care of his mom. I told him that I didn't even remember talking to him. (Maybe that upset him, but oh well...).

"So, what are you up for tonight?" he asked.

"Um, I don't know," I said. "Nothing too crazy, I guess..."

"Nothing too crazy? Now that doesn't sound like the Hyde I know and love!"

I laughed.

It was raining out that day and I really didn't feel like doing much of anything. I didn't even feel like sticking to my dinner plans, but I hadn't seen NV in a really long time. Also, I was feeling pretty nervous about hanging out with the Stallion. I wanted a "low-key" evening, but I was worried about not knowing what to say to him or how to act if I was not being "drunk-Hyde" and if it wasn't going to be all about fucking. So bottome line--I felt weird...

In any event, I met NV at 7:00 at a crappy soul food sports bar/restaurant in our neighborhood. NV was obsessed with finding someplace "happening" to eat. I don't know what the point of that is. Why would one want to go to a crowded restaurant? Who gives a shit if it's "happening?" I guess I'm really not a "New Yorker" in that way. I had a good time, though. He and I are both self-obsessed people. First I updated him on a lot of my drama and then he set about telling me all of his. He seems to go through a new relationship every week. He just started dating some new guy and apparently thinks that this time he's found "the one." He entertained me with stories of some crazy underwear party/orgy. I thought I was wild? Well, from the way NV tells it, I've done "nothing" compared to some of the stuff that goes on in New York's gay scene.

After dinner we went over to Joshua Tree for a few drinks. I had two glasses of wine and a few sips of beer. (Some representatives from Budweiser were there giving out free bottles of Bud's new "classy" beer. Not worth the calories for me though. I'm so not a beer-girl.)

I was nervous about being late to meet the Stallion. (Remember, things have been precarious between us ever since last Friday when I had Narc and the Stallion over at my place at the same time). I got back to my place at just about 10:00. I scurried to straighten up and to fix my hair. (The rain had completely destroyed it). There was no need to rush though, because the Stallion called and said that he wouldn't be over until around 10:30. Just then, NextDoorNeighbor called me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said despairingly. "I'm turning 25 this year...25! And I'm so unsettled and I still haven't found 'the one!'"

What?!?!

I told him to come over to my place to talk. A minute later when he arrived, I seriously scolded him for such foolish talk. 25 is so fucking young! Especially in New York City. It's odd here to get married when you're under 30 unless you've been dating the same person for your entire life. (That's like my sister--she and her husband were together for 8 years and finally got married when she was 25. They still aren't planning on having kids yet for a while though. Who can fucking afford kids in this city anyway?) Besides, at least NextDoorNeighbor doesn't have to worry about a biological clock. I thought the whole conversation was ridiculous.

He went on to tell me that he went to visit his grandfather that morning and told his grandpa that we had gone to Scores. Funny. I could never tell my grandparents something like that! He also wanted to know all about my meeting with Sunshine. He doesn't read my blog (I won't give him the address), but he knows that it exists and I told him that Sunshine would be in town, etc. I thought it was cute how excited he was about that.

I walked NextDoorNeighbor to the door and we were still talking, standing in our respective doorways, halfway in the hall, when the Stallion arrived. He and NextDoorNeighbor had met last week at FuBar, so they greeted each other and exchanged some friendly banter. They seem to really like each other (except for the fact that NextDoorNeighbor's opinion of the Stallion is tempered by other stuff I've told him).

As soon as we said goodnight to NextDoorNeighbor and shut the door, the Stallion grabbed me and pulled me in.

"Come here, cutie," he said.

I felt akward.

He started kissing me, right up against the door and that went on for a good five minutes or so. After that, we went straight away to having sex.

I didn't feel akward anymore.

The Stallion had a lot of energy. He seemed psyched for the night. I had no complaints. When we were both thoroughly exhausted (or at least it seemed so to me), he looked at me.

"So, what do you want to do tonight?"

"I'm game for anything," I said. "Really, it's up to you."

He smiled at me, and pulled me up next to him on the couch.

"Hyde, you really are something," he said.

"Thanks, I guess."

"No, seriously. You're just one of these amazing characters. Just this really interesting character that came into my life. You're one of a kind!"

I never thought of myself as a "character" in the Stallion's life; rather, I've always seen him as a character in my life. I mean, I guess recognizing the reversal is not particularly profound, but it felt strange to me when he said it. Somehow, it was empowering.

We decided to head to the bar on the West Side where Stallion's friend "the Bouncer" used to work. (Yes, the same place with the bartender who attacked me. For more on that, see my post on February 5th, "The story of the bouncer..."). I told the Stallion that I would only go there if that guy wasn't on duty. The Stallion knows a lot of the people who work there. He said he's been hanging out there for years, and he promised me that would be "all cool."

At the bar, the Stallion was all over me. His body language was very possessive, but in a way that made me feel good. He kept holding my hands, and standing with an arm around my waist, or with both of his hands on my hips. He kept giving me little smacks from behind. If anyone else went to talk to me, even just to ask me to pass them something, or to see if they could get through to the bar, he would pull me in closer next to him.

We had a good time people watching. He downed a pitcher and a half of beer and I had about four whiskeys. He was getting pretty tipsy, but I still wasn't feeling it. Although the place was crowded, we finally got a seat in a booth. We started kissing for a while. He kept complimenting me, telling me that he loves this and that about me, etc. I'm not very good at taking compliments, and I wasn't drunk enough to be "empowered-Hyde," so I still felt kind of weird. Eventually, though, the alcohol started to kick in a bit and took the edge off.

The Stallion was looking to score some coke there. I told him that he could "do what he wanted," as long as I wouldn't get into any trouble for it. I didn't want to be involved in a street purchase. It was still relatively early for that though, and he didn't seem to be trying very hard, so I wasn't surprised at his lack of success. I told him that I still had some left at my place and that he was welcome to it if he wanted it. Then his friend Mike called. Mike said that another friend of theirs would be spinning at some lounge down in the West Village later that night. He asked the Stallion what he was up to, and invited him to come along.

"I'm up in midtown, hanging with Hyde right now," he said. He laughed kind of akwardly.

I couldn't hear what Mike said in return, but I definitely got the impression that Mike either doesn't approve of me, or that they were making a joke about me. Mike is the friend who came out with us the night that Anxious and I went to that party in Brooklyn after which she hooked up with BulgarianGuy. (For more on that, see my post "Friday Night Lights" from March 21st). The Stallion told Mike that we would be down there in half an hour. Then we decided to pit-stop back at my place for various indulgences.

We got back to my place at around 1:30 am. Typically enough, before 5 seconds had passed, the Stallion was stripping again. This guy is a fucking insatiable! A fucking machine! (That would become even more evident the next morning). After going at it for a while, I brought out some "medicine" for him, and I did some myself. He cuts really huge bumps, so it was much more of a hit than I'm used to. I felt it right away. I think because I had been drinking, I didn't feel edgy from it, but instead, I just got super spacey and my eyes wouldn't focus right. He thought it was "cute" because he could tell I was "flying high." He was being kind of protective and affectionate towards me.

At some point, I looked at the clock.

"Um, Stallion, we've been here way more than half an hour," I said. "Isn't your friend waiting for us?"

"Shit, that's right. We should get going."

On the way to hail a cab, we walked past Cheers. The doors were swung wide open and IrishBird was singing. I poked my head inside and blew her a kiss.

"Don't worry, I'm not going in," I told the Stallion. "I know you don't like it there."

"It's not that I don't like it there," he said. "It's just that I think they don't respect you, and I want better for you than that."

"Yeah, whatever," I said. (For more on that issue, see my March 25th post "Falling off the Stallion").

"Look, Hyde," he said, taking my hand. "As long as we're on that, I do want to talk to you about something more serious."

"What do you mean?"

(Uh oh. What was coming now?)

"Well, girl, I want you to know how important you are to me," he began.

I looked at him surprised.

"I mean, what we had last year was amazing," he said, taking my hand.

(He's referring to the two-week fling we had at the end of last July, just before he moved to California).

"I felt like it was different then, with us," he said. "We had such a connection, and you may not want to hear this, but it really changed my life. It really helped me figure some things out...clarify things. It helped me figure out what I want in life, you know?"

(I wasn't sure what to say or what he wanted from me. He's right, though. Things had felt different in July. I knew that as soon as I saw him this past February. I think it has a lot to do with Narc, and what I've been going through with that).

"Things were different then, Stallion," I said. "For one, I wasn't seeing anyone except you, so I was in a totally different emotional place. At this point, though, I think that the whole Narc thing has made me much more sensitive on a lot of levels. Plus, we had just bumped into each other after four years. Now I've been seeing a lot more of you, and it's just harder for me to let things roll off lately."

"Well, you've got to let thing's roll," he smiled.

(My "roll off" comment was in reference to an earlier conversation. The Stallion had been telling me that he thinks his mother is going to die soon. I told him "not to say that." As you know, I'm kind of sensitive about that stuff, especially right now. Then we started talking about how he sees life as temporal while I hold on to things. He told me that he thinks it's important to learn to "let things roll.")

"I just don't want you to feel like you're second place to me," he said.

"Well, but I am second place. And that's okay," I added. "I mean, that's the deal... That's what you and I have."

"No, really," he said. "You're too amazing to be second place ever. You deserve to be happy and I completely want that for you. I want you to find someone who will see how amazing you are and make you happy."

"Thanks." (Where was this going?)

"And there's something else I've been wanting to say," he looked at me pretty intensely.

We were standing in the rain on Second Avenue under a tree. The rain rolling off the leaves was dripping in fat raindrops into my hair.

"I didn't say this to you before because I didn't want to make things harder for you...to confuse you any more than you already must be..."

(He looked like he was having trouble figuring out how to say what he wanted to say).

"But seriously...and I am serious about this Hyde, I don't want you to think it's just the drugs talking..."

"What? Just say it already."

"Well, I love you."

(What?!?!)

"I know it's weird for me to say it like that, but I've been wanting to tell you that."

(Now I didn't know what to think!) I didn't say anything.

"Yeah, I know, I know..." he said. "I know what you must be thinking. But I totally think it's possible to love more than one person at a time because I do. I just feel this connection to you and have been thinking about you since the summer...you've been present for me all this time, you know?"

"Well, thanks," I said. I was hesitant. (But not too hesitant. Thank God for drugs and booze!)

"I mean, on the one hand," I began, "that does confuse things. On the other hand, of course it's good to know that... To know that I'm not just interchangeable or some random booty call."

He laughed. "Even if you were just a 'booty call,'" he said, "you're definitely not one that's 'interchangeable,'" he said. "I've never met anyone like you."

I laughed. He and I just have some crazy sexual compatability and we both know it. I guess to make matters more confusing for him, I think that he and his girlfriend have really bad compatibility in that department.

It doesn't matter though. The whole conversation was confusing to me. I don't love him; I do love Narc. And I don't feel an amazing connection to the Stallion. I think he's fun to be around. I mean, we have conversations about life and its meaning and all that kind of stuff, but I have those kinds of analytical conversations all the time with many of my friends. I don't think that he does. He seems to think that it's something unique between us, and that everything out of my mouth is brilliant. I don't think so. But it left me not really knowing what to say.

Our conversation went on like that for a while longer. The Stallion said that he was so glad to spend the night with me, and to have the chance to really talk to me, considering that things were so weird the past few times we had seen each other. He said that he felt like things had gotten fucked up between us, but that we were finally restoring things to what he thinks is an "awesome relationship," and rebuilding what we had last summer. (I was still a little confused about all of this. I thought what we had last summer was just really amazing sex.)

We were standing very near to where his car was parked. He put his arms around me.

"Listen, why don't we go 'talk' in the car for a while?" he suggested.

"I don't think so. We may both be rolling, but I'm not going to fuck you in your car," I told him. "Besides, Mike is waiting."

He laughed. "All right, girl, fair enough."

"Why don't I just drive us down there?" he asked. "It'll be faster, and we can save money on the cab."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shot him a look. "My brother is in the hospital from drunk-driving. You just did a shitload of coke and we've been drinking for hours. I don't think so!"

"Okay, okay."

We grabbed a cab.

(What the fuck, though!)

In the taxi, the Stallion kept up with the emotional stuff. He kept telling me that he "loves me," that he "wishes the best for me all the time," that he "thinks about me all the time" and that he "worries about me." He asked me if I had fucked Narc last week. (I guess he didn't hear us). I told him that I had, but the next day, after the Stallion had left. (Nothing wrong with a little white lie, right?) He said he's sorry that things are so tangled. He insisted over and over that he doesn't want to complicate things for me; rather, he only wants to make sure that I know he's not "just using me" for sex.

Well, whether he likes it or not, I am confused. To be honest, you guys--I'm not really sure what to make of all of this.

When we got out of the cab, he told me to "just be chill" around Mike.

"Why? What's up with that? Does he have a problem with me or something?" I asked.

"It's not that he doesn't like you," he said. "It's just that he was there that day that you kissed that other guy in front of me. He knows about the feelings that I have for you. He knows how I feel about all this, and he's just watching out for me, you know? Just being a good friend..."

"I really don't think that ever happened!" I protested.

(I just don't remember kissing anyone that night! First of all, I usually don't get like that in public! (I'm not one for major PDA). And second of all, none of the "eye-witnesses" that I spoke to about it (IrishBird, Anxious, etc.) recall seeing anything of the sort.)

"Well, whatever," he said. "The point is, that he's just protective of me. He knows I have feelings for you and doesn't want to see me get hurt from all this."

What??? Was I in the fucking twilight zone??? The Stallion's friend is trying to protect him from me?!?!?

In any case, he took me by the hand and led me inside. The place was called "Mouton." He knew a lot of people there and started introducing me around. Again, it was weird. He had his arm around me the whole time as if he were my boyfriend. Don't these people know his girlfriend? I mean, he's been with her for over four years!

Mike said he had bought me a whiskey sour. I thought it was sweet that he remembered I drink whiskey. He went to fetch it and I prayed that I wouldn't sugar-crash from the sour-mix, accepting the drink anyway.

After a while, we headed upstairs past the DJ booth to a balcony lined with couches and little tables. The couches were separated by hanging curtains on tracks (the kind you see around hospital beds) that you could pull around for more privacy. I was feeling really high, and just enjoyed checking out the strange crowd. One of the Stallion's friends was a hippy with long dreds, tattoos and a wife-beater. He was hopping around doing some strange dance that temporarily transfixed me. Another of his friends just sat staring straight ahead. He looked stoned off his ass. I hoped that I didn't look that obvious.

Mike headed back downstairs to refill our drinks. I gave him a $20 and told him to buy himself a drink on me. I don't know why I did that. I guess just I want him to think that I'm a "nice girl."

Later the Stallion pulled the curtains around our little spot and started trying to make out with me. It was just for a little while though because a waitress popped by to clear our glasses and I got a little self-conscious about doing that in public.

After a while, the Stallion and Mike went downstairs to dance. I was too fucked up to join them. Instead, I opted to stay where I was, watching the strange crowd.

"Are you going to be okay?" the Stallion asked.

"Yeah, just don't take off and leave me here, okay? I'm feeling a little out of it."

"You know I would never do that to you," he said.

I smiled.

Later, when I got a little bored, I went dowstairs to see what the boys were up to. I had to very carefully navigate the staircase. The boys were standing by the bar, talking about some cross-country drive that they're planning. When he saw me approach, the Stallion put his arms around me drawing me in. While I have to say that I enjoyed the possessive/protective body language, it did further confuse me. While we finished off another round of drinks, the three of us got into some meaningful conversation human nature and relationships. I kept apologizing for being inarticulate. I was sure that I was incoherent from the drugs, but the Stallion assured me that I made perfect sense. They seemed to think that what I was saying was smart, so whatever...

At around 3:45 am, the bartender gave "last call." The Stallion and I said goodbye to Mike and caught a cab back uptown. When we got to my corner, we could see that the doors to Cheers were still wide open.

"Let's just stop in and say hello," I suggested.

"Okay. But just for a sec," he said. "You know how I feel about it there."

My Cheers people were surprised to see me coming in so late. (At that point it was just after 4:00 am).

"I guess I missed last call," I joked.

I moved to the back to say hi to IrishBird where she was counting up the register with PumpedUp.

"Where were you guys tonight?" she asked.

"No Scores?" PumpedUp laughed.

I tried to recall the sequence of events and tell her where we had been. The Stallion gave a "what's up?" to BarMan and shook his hand. BarMan shot me a huge smile. I think they were all confused about why I was there with the Stallion when I had shown up with those bruises on my throat two weeks ago--especially since I've been pining and whining about being in love with Narc all week! I think they must all think I'm fucking crazy.

The Stallion headed to the back of the bar towards the bathroom. As he went, I spotted the FlirtyColombian across the room. He approached me and I kissed him "hello." I haven't been there on a Saturday in a while, so I hadn't seen him since the "date or not a date?" incident (for more on that, see my post on April 3rd). He asked me how I've been. At that point, the Stallion was coming back and I really didn't want any tension, so I took his hand and said we had to go. (Hope I didn't hurt the Colombian's feelings too much!)

As we left, BarMan called out to me from behind the bar. "Hey, Hyde! I'll see you tomorrow before your 24 night with B?"

I laughed. "Most definitely," I said.

Back at my place, we had a lot more sex. I was completley spent though. The night was catching up with me (especially considering that I had been out late the night before) and I knew that I was going to crash soon. The Stallion apparently wasn't finished partying, though, because he asked me if I had any more "medicine" lying around. (This must have been around 6:00 am). I told him that it was in the living room and that he could finish it off if he wanted to. (In truth, I had hidden part of my stash somewhere else, because the Stallion likes his medicine, and almost always ends up finishing what I have).

Soon enough, I was out. I vaguely remember him waking me up an hour later or so to ask me where my house keys were. He had to go move his car and wanted to be able to get back in. I fell back asleep right away, though.

I was awakened a second time at around 9:00 am by the Stallion fucking me. I was totally disoriented and a little woozy. Hearing some moaning sounds, I turned and saw that he was watching some porn on the TV. He must have been up watching it straight through the night. (This guy is seriously the horniest man ever!) Not to be too graphic (although this blog seems to be turning into one enormous "kiss and tell,"), but there's a reason that I gave this guy the nickname "the Stallion." I swear, he's just a sex-machine. He never tires and has no problem going again and again and again (even without the standard 20 minutes between sessions!) That morning, we were at at it for at least two hours without stop. I had to beg for five minutes to break here and there. At one point, I found that I just couldn't do it anymore.

"I have to stop, Stallion," I said. "I can't take it. I'm telling you--I just can't keep going."

(I never thought I'd find myself in the situation of having to say that, but I was seriously in pain. (And we didn't even do anything all that unusual). I'm still feeling it today, over 24 hours later!)

"All right, I'll give you a little break," he said.

"No, not a little break," I told him. "I mean it... I need a big break--at least an hour. My body just can't take it." (At this point it was about 11:00 am).

"An hour? C'mon, Hyde. I can't stay that much longer. How about just one more time and then we'll stop?"

"No, sorry," I said. "Really, sorry, but no..."

(Damn, this man defies all understanding. It's almost compulsive.).

"Okay, then," he said, getting up out of bed. "I'm gonna hop in the shower."

After he showered, I went in for my turn. He came in and kissed me goodbye while I was shampooing. I still felt disoriented coming out of the shower, and set about putting away the coke, the various bottles of alcohol left out around the living room, and I looked for any stray condoms. I felt so disconnected and just couldn't seem to ground myself. Finally I plopped down in front of the TV for an hour or so, and that seemed to bring me back to reality a bit. I tried to organize my thoughts on what I had to accomplish that day. I really needed to get the library, which I had been pushing off all week. I decided to make Sunday the day!

Before heading to the library, I stopped at the nearest coffee shop for lunch. (The library doesn't open until 1:00 on Sundays anyway.) While I ate, I caught up with Hammer on the phone. She's been in Phoenix all week and is coming back today. I feel like I haven't seen her in forever. (I mean, I've seen Narc more recently than I've seen Hammer!) Bottom line--I've been in major Hammer-withdrawal! She was excited to hear what Sunshine was like. After that, we talked for a while about the oddity of the Stallion's declaration of "love."

I tried not to think about any of it for the rest of the day. Instead, I tried to focus on my paper. It's slowly taking shape in my head. I'm writing about Edmund Burke's description of Marie Antoinette in his Reflections on the Revolution in France.

(A quick aside--The Stallion had seen my pre-filled library slips laying around and said "Damn, girl! You must really love school!" I thought it was funny).

At the library, I bumped into EF (a friend in my program). He said I looked very studious and hard at work. I pointed out that I had to be. After all, I still have a few incompletes to knock out of the way.

Later, I came home and vegetated in front of the TV, but I somehow couldn't quiet my mind. All of the intensity with the Stallion provoked more thinking about Narc. I was getting a little obsessive (as can happen to any girl) and I went back and checked his new girl's blog. It turns out that she's going to be away for the whole month of May, trying to get some photos shot on the West Coast. Since I was already wasting time online, I went and checked out Narc's online dating profile. The service he uses lets you see the last time a member logged on. Narc's said that he had logged on "within 24 hours." Now, I know I'm supposed to be moving on and that I shouldn't care, but Yay! It's obvious that he's "just not that into her" if he's still shopping. Maybe he didn't lie to me after all when he said that they hadn't slept together and when he told me that he still "loves me" last week. At least they're not living "happily ever after." He's had that dating profile up for months--from even before I met him in July. I used to check it periodically and he never signed on there when he was "with" me--only in December when we "broke up," and then again after our "break up" in February. Ha!

Okay, I know... I shouldn't be obsessing like that, but it did make me feel a little better about all of it, even though I know thatI need to let go.

So that's basically where things stand at the moment. A little confusing, n'est pas? I guess everything is still rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling...

So to conclude where I started, I'm psyched that I got to meet Sunshine, and I hope you all enjoyed your weekends!

lol,
-an ever-so-confused hyde-