Mourning Dad, Celebrating Mom

Another week, another weekend... I'm under major pressure right now in terms of school--heading into the final stretch of the semester, so I may not be able to blog as frequently until June. I have a shitload of papers to write and papers/exams to grade before then.

On Friday after teaching, NextDoorNeighbor called and asked if I wanted to join him and his friend Hugo for sushi. The place they were going to has an "all you can eat" sushi special for $19.99 and an "all you can drink" sake/wine/beer special for $12.99. We were supposed to meet at 10:00, but I got bogged down on the phone with BigSis and still wanted to stop by Cheers. I left my place at around 9:00, braving the rain, and had a few rounds of whiskey. IrishBird bought me a drink, but we didn't have a chance to gossip about my night with Narc. It was still lingering in my mind, as I had just left his place that morning, and I wasn't sure where to put all of that.

I got to the sushi place at around 10:30. There, NextDoorNeighbor, Hugo and I got pretty drunk. The conversation turned a little raunchy. NextDoorNeighbor started complaining about how he hasn't been laid since the night of his dinner party, and he told me that I had to help him find some action. I promised to try.

The sushi place kicked us out at about 12:15 am as they were closing up. We headed to a bar called Sutton Place, which normally is a bit too much of a meat-market for my taste, but would serve NextDoorNeighbor's purposes. We set about finding him a girl.

Target # 1--

He saw a cute girl standing with a bunch of friends over near the bar.

"What should I do, Hyde?" he asked. "How should I approach her?"

I had fun playing the "expert." "Okay, just come with me," I told him.

I walked over to the girl, as if I were trying to make my way through the crowd over to the bar for a drink.

"Don't you just hate when it's this hard to even get a drink?" I said to her.

She agreed, and that sparked a conversation. It turns out she's from Boston. We chatted about that for a little while. NextDoorNeighbor was still kind of standing akwardly behind me.

"Oh, by the way, this is my friend, NextDoorNeighbor," I said, gesturing towards him.

"Oh, hi! I'm -----" she smiled.

"NextDoorNeighbor, can you just pick up my drink?" I asked. "I want to go find Hugo. I'll be right back. Excuse me."

I exited the scene, leaving him to do his thing. I didn't see Hugo, but instead headed into the ladies room. There was a really drunk, scantily clad, overly made-up blonde checking herself in the mirror. She was dressed like she was in her 20s, but looked like she was in her 40s.

"I have to ask you," she slurred, "what do you think I should do?"

"What's the problem?" I asked.

"Well, there's this guy that I'm so into tonight. I really want to get with him. But there's this other guy that I'm seeing. And he's so boyfriend-material."

"Is the boyfriend-material guy here tonight?" I asked.

"Well, no..."

"No? Then go have fun!"

She burst out laughing. "Omigod! I love you!" she said. "You're here as an angel!"

(Well, I do what I can...)

I left the ladies room.

Upon my exit, I saw NextDoorNeighbor standing alone.

"What happened to the girl???"

"Blew it, I guess. She went back to talking to her friends."

"Okay, we'll try again," I reassured him.

Target #2--

NextDoorNeighbor noticed another girl he liked.

"What should I do?" he asked.

"This time go up and talk to her yourself."

"No, you come with me!"

"No, you've got to practice."

"What should I say though?"

"I don't know, just ask her anything..."

"Like what? It's gonna be dumb."

"Just ask her if she knows how late they're open here. Tell her that you have a friend coming to meet you, and you wanted to know... C'mon, what's the worst that can happen?" I asked, "She'll blow you off? If that happens, it's no big deal, just come back over here and talk to me!"

"Ok." Off he went.

He was back a second later. I guess she wasn't interested.

"It's okay," I said. "No big loss. For a guy, you have to remember--it's mostly a numbers game."

After that we split up for a while. When I next saw NextDoorNeighbor, he had found Hugo and the two of them were talking to two girls in the backroom of the upstairs bar. I joined them and we all hung our for a while. I was wasted at that point. It was nearly 2:00 am and I texted Narc:

Up? Bored? What movies did you make it to? Today was a killer day 4 me. Out w/friends. Wanna meet up again later tonight? Lol, -H

Needless to say, I did not hear back from him. (Surprise, surprise...)

Target #3--

NextDoorNeighbor was into one of the two girls and kept buying her drinks. She seemed very friendly and open to his advances. Good. It was working. At some point, their friend Adam came over and joined our group. Her attention shifted away from NextDoorNeighbor and towards Adam. Before we knew it, they were lip-locked and she was straddling Adam's lap.

"What the hell?" I said to her friend. "Are the two of them together?"

Her friend seemed so embarassed.

"Well, no, they're not. Sorry. She just gets like that. When they're drunk, she and Adam always end up making out..."

Okay, so Sutton Place was not a success. Poor NextDoorNeighbor! We decided to cut our losses and head to Fubar. I think it was around 2:45 am. Hugo went home at that point, and my memory starts to fail me. After Fubar, I have a brief flash memory of wanting to stop by Cheers again, but when we got there it was closed, so it must have already been after 4:00 am. We were so fucking drunk. NextDoorNeighbor recalls that it was "the blind leading the blind."

I always try to piece together forgotten moments by looking at my cell phone records. My phone shows an outgoing call to Narc at 4:20 am (lasting 48 seconds) and an outgoing call to the Stallion at 4:23 am. Then, I have an incoming call from the Stallion at 4:24 that lasted for 3 minutes and 33 seconds. What the fuck must that have been like? In any event, I passed out at some point and woke up on my couch the next morning.

When I opened my eyes I felt like total shit and looked even worse. I had to pull myself together because I knew that B was coming over by 11:00 to be my "emotional escort" for the day. (As you know, it was the 15 year anniversary of my dad's death). I just felt awful on every level. When B arrived even though he was being sweet, the smallest thing triggered tears from me. (To make matters worse, when I went to the bathroom, it was super painful and there was blood in my urine. It has been hurting ever since last week and that craziness with the Stallion. As I'm not one to take good care of my health, I just ignored it, but it's gotten to a point where I think I better get to the doctor.)

B and I went out for lunch and I continued to be weepy. Then we headed uptown to pay a visit to the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. It's one of my favorite places in the city, and I have such a spiritual connection there. When I was in college, I used to spend hours upon hours sitting in the nave, writing in my journal, being moody, and letting my imagination run in the wildest directions. I haven't spent much time there since graduating. In 2001 a huge fire destroyed all of the smaller chapels and the gift shop. It was depressing to see it half closed up and not at all as I remembered it. In any case, B and I sat there quietly for a long time. I lit a candle for my dad. After that, I had to go to a voice lesson, and B came with me. I was so grateful to have him with me for the day.

After my lesson, while we were waiting for the elevator, B announced that he was going home for the rest of the afternoon because his contact lens was bothering him and it was compounded by bad seasonal allergies. It's hard to explain why this "declaration" upset me so much. You'd have to understand a lot about my relationship with B, and it's too complicated to begin to dissect here. But as much as I love him with all my heart, like all the other boys I seem to choose, B has a hard time sacrificing his own personal comfort for anyone else. I've always felt like a major burden asking him for anything. Nonetheless, I had asked him weeks ago to save the date to spend with me, as I needed his support. I couldn't bear that he thought it was appropriate to ditch me because his eyes were itchy and red!

Needless to say, I was very upset. I started to cry a little, but tried to stop short of high-drama. B accused me of being emotionally "controlling" by manipulating him into feeling "guilty." (Christ, HOW MANY TIMES have we had this conversation in the past six years???)

"Just because I have an emotional response to your actions doesn't mean that I'm manipulating you," I said. "C'mon, B! Take responsibility for the impact that you have on others!"

"So what do you want me to do? You're not giving me any other option but to stay," he said.

"You're free to do what you want. I don't want to make you stay with me," I told him. "That defeats the purpose. It just makes me feel like shit."

"What is the purpose?" he asked. "What do you want from me?"

"I want what I can't have." (I remembered saying those words to Narc.) "I wanted you to WANT to spend the day with me because it makes you feel good to make me feel good. The point is not to trap you into spending time with me by making you feel guilty if you leave! How the fuck would that be comforting to me? I'd rather spend the day alone!"

I walked away from him up towards West End Avenue. He followed me, not saying anything. I hailed a cab and he followed me inside. Our conversation continued in circles for a while longer. I cried a lot. Finally, he gave me a huge hug.

"Let's stop this now," he said. "This is silly. I love you, and don't want to make your hard day any harder. I'll stay. I'll stay because I love my k." (the initial refers to B's nickname for me.)

I started to feel better after that. We pit-stopped at a nearby clothing store because I had buy my mom a Mother's Day present. Then we headed back to my place. There, we relaxed for a while, just talking. It was so nice. I finally checked my messages (as I had left my cell phone home all day) and I had a really funny message from NextDoorNeighbor. He said that it was the afternoon and that he still felt drunk and was wandering around China Town. (I later found out that after we got home on Friday night, he puked for hours).

If you recall, I had invited my mom and my sisters to a dinner in honor of my dad. We met at my apartment at around 6:00 and B took off. Bro-in-Law came too. We all went to a nearby Lebanese restaurant that has all of the same Armenian foods that my dad used to make. It was expensive, but totally worth it for the occassion. We all ate so much! I thought the dinner was going to be difficult and sad, but I was completly wrong. It turned out not to feel like mourning at all, but instead was more of a "celebration" of his life. My mom told us again, the incredible story of their courtship. She told each of us which qualities of ours remind her of our dad. Then each of us told a happy memory or a good story about him. I really was glad. So much of the time I only focus on the trauma and the pain of growing up wtih an alcoholic. It seems like my dad--the man who he was and and the spirit and energy that I loved so much, get lost in the memory of his disease, just as they were lost to his disease in life. It's sad and unfair.

Anyway, after dinner I went back to my place and again met up with B. We had originally planned to go to the movies or something, but both of us were very tired. We ended up falling asleep really early--at around 11:00.

The next morning, I got up early and wrapped my mom's gifts. I said goodbye to B and took off for the train station, on my way to visit my stepbrother. He has made incredible progress this week! There's a lot of family fighting and family politics going on concerning his care, and it's way too much for me to get into here, but basically his mother is a controlling bitch. She has been secretly vetoing possible courses of treatment. For example, they wanted to give him a particular sleep-aid but she said "no" because there's an antidepressent in it and she "objects" to antidepressents as they might "change his personality." She is so fucking stupid!!! He's hardly present! What personality??? Arghhh! It makes me want to hit her so hard.

Anyway, this had been going on for about a month, unbeknownst to my side of the family. (She also refused three or four other measures). When my mom found out about it earlier this week, she was furious that the doctors didn't call her or my stepfather sooner. (After all, his mother doesn't have sole guardianship over him and is not allowed to make those kind of decisions on her own.) In any event, they finally put him on that new medication this week. Guess what? His focus and attention-span have improved by leaps and bounds. He is so much more interactive and less agitated. Some new things he is doing--he smiles politely at new visitors and when you leave, if you put your cheek to his lips, he'll kiss it goodbye; he is able to take food in his hands (in little pieces) and bring it up to his mouth on his own; when my mom gave him a crayon, he traced circles (which he has been working on in therapy) onto a page (albeit they were very mishapen circles); and he very slightly moved his right hand, which is on the side that has been motionless since the intial stroke. My mom said it was the best mother's day present she could ever have hoped for!

We left the hospital and headed back to my mom's house where we met up wtih my aunt, uncle and cousin (on my mom's side), my aunt, uncle and three cousins (on my stepfather's side), my brother-in-law's parents, sister and niece and nephew, and BigSis, Bro-in-Law, LilSis, JBC, my stepfather and my grandpa. We all headed to some swanky restaurant on the waterfront about 20 minutes away. There we gorged ourselves on the most delicious seafood as if there were no tomorrow. (I must have gained 10 pounds this weekend between that meal and previous night's Middle Eastern cuisine!) After that, it was back to my mom's house for coffee and cake.

At some point in the afternoon, the Stallion called me. He asked what I was up to that night, and I said that I had to be home by 9:00 to watch the Elvis movie on CBS.

"Maybe I'll just have to come by and watch it with you," he said.

I agreed, but told him to call me first. We left it kind of vague.

That night, I made it home just in time for the start of the movie. About 40 minutes later, the Stallion called me. He made sure to point out that he waited for a commercial. We laughed about that.

"I'm leaving now," he said. "I'm on my way."

I wasn't really ready to see him, but he didn't really ask. I was in my sweats and not wearing any makeup, but whatever... I didn't feel like getting dressed up for him. He got to my place at around 9:45. We watched the rest of the movie togehter. He kept kissing me during the commercial breaks, but it was all very akward. He was doing his best to be his laid back charming self, but my Dr. Jekyll is not nearly as relaxed or laid back, and I'm pretty sure that I was exuding tension.

The Stallion commented how rare it was to see each other "sober."

"Do you want a drink?" I asked.

He had the remains of my vodka and I downed a bottle of wine. (Ahh! That's much better!) We were both relaxed now, and as the movie ended, we started having sex. It was weird, though. I was in "downtime"-mode, and a "Dr. Jekyll" mood, so the rough stuff didn't feel as natural to me. He is always so intense.

After a few "rounds," I said I had to head to sleep because I had to wake up early the next morning. He agreed and we both crashed to sleep at around 1:00 am. I was awakened in the middle of the night (probably around at 3:30 or 4:00) by him having sex with me. That went on for about half an hour or so until he finished and I fell back asleep. Then he woke me up again at 6:00 to say he was leaving.

"All right, see you soon," I said, and fell back asleep.

My alarm went off at 7:30.

This morning, I just finished teaching and have to head out to a voice lesson soon. Of course, it's been on my mind all week that tomorrow is Narc's birthday, but I'm trying not to think about it.
Hope you all had a good weekend!

-hyde