A Conversation with B

In response to my previous post...

B:

Hyde,

I absolutely love it!!! I think it's the "best" thing you've ever written!! Not just in terms of the ideas, but in the amazing blend of the personal with the theoretical--very "alt dis". (Alternative discourse--one of the things I've been reading about.) But more importantly, I've been wrestling with the same issues forever as well. I don't really know what the clean, neat, easy answer is. I think you're right in that the tension doesn't necessarily have to be resolved. In fact, it probably CAN'T be resolved without doing even worse psychic violence to yourself.

"Only by accepting oneself, can one ever hope to find satisfaction and fulfillment." I hope this is true; I've also punished myself for a long time because of the dissonance between my ethical-political self and my "personal" self. This is such an important topic!!!

One more thing--

You said that maybe the tension need never have existed at all. I'm not so sure about that. I think the tension helps keep us honest? But there's a tremendous tyranny in needing to have complete harmony between political theorizing and the messiness of our everyday lives. But that leads to issues of hypocrisy and double-standards, right? To say, "I can make an exception for myself because..." Then again, all human beings are fragmented, incoherent, inconsistent. There's no such thing as a unified "I." We have a staggering amount of unconscious/subconscious material going on all the time, and we're barely even in control of the stuff that IS conscious. And all of us are a community of internal people--"good" and "bad." We are all capable of kindness and compassion, as well as hatred and even murder. Like you said, the second we start to cannibalize ourselves because of thoughts or feelings we "shouldn't" have is the second we start down the slippery path to madness.

-b

Hyde:

Hey B,

I'm SOOOOOO glad you like what I wrote. I feel like something really opened up for me. Maybe it's not such a new idea, but it hit me in a new way, and I feel like it's a new "tool" for my box.

In response to what you said--

What is interesting to me is that so much of this is because we live in a certain historical moment. The politicization of one's personal life is a fairly new thing. The article I had to read, and the other book we were assigned were about the generation of 1968. That generation declared a certain set of political ideals that weren't necessarily compatible with traditional culture (the church, the family, national identity, fixed gender roles, race-relations, etc).

You said that the tension helps keep us "honest." I think that you're right--that to be in a truly democratic world (ie no racism, sexism, classism, nationalism, etc.) requires a sort of hyper-vigilance. Cultural equality is not "natural" to us, in a world that has been historically framed by religion and the idea of "the group/belonging" and hatred and fear of "the other." That said, it's very psychologically difficult. I think we both feel that tension in religion (the Jews as a "chosen people," the Christians as the only one's who are "saved," etc. It doesn't jive with modern ideas of equality and cultural relativism).

But that said, I think it all makes me angry sometimes--having to be so "relativist." I think that's where I get my conservative streak in terms of education, and stuff. Part of me wants the comfort of hierarchy, tradition, structure, and a clear cut right and wrong. I'm very tempted to turn all "Alan Bloom." (But I suppose that's what people in the Weimar Republic wanted too...yikes!)

I'm fascinated that the tryanny of having to personalize the poltical is really a product of the past 40 years or so. I always heard that slogan as a good thing--as in abortion is a poltical issue even though it's personal. And it DOES make one more responsible--the way I treat people of other races, social classes, etc. in my personal life is a political action. I think monitoring yourself for political "hypocrisy" is a major cause of the intense focus on the individual and the popularity of psychoanalysis. We talked about that starting in the '60s too. There's an obsession with understanding the self and being hypervigiliant about the self.

If you think about it, once you attack "the system," (the traditional hierarchy and rules, like they did in the '60s), then subjectivity and personal experience is all that you have left. It makes me think of Ira Shor and why he's obsessed with not just talking about ideas, but changing the education system. It's the experience and one's personal actions that count in a world based on the subjective. It becomes extremely important to bring one's subjective experiences in line with what you think they SHOULD be. That way you are being politically and socially responsible and virtuous. I'm not sure if I'm being clear here. ..

I do know, though, that it's exhausting. I want to retreat into domesticity and "make my garden grow." I want to vegetate in front of Dr. Phil and not watch the news. I want to think that since I'm sleeping with Moe, there's not a problem with racism. I think Americans in general are EXHAUSTED by it and turn away from the poltical whenever they can. After all, once you acknowledge a political problem, you are responsible to take it in to your most internal life, and change the way you behave because of it. And that's just too fucking hard. Are we all supposed to be buying "American Apparel" just to shut down sweatshops? It's impossible. So I'd rather ignore the sweatshops than feel guilty about it all the time.

I never realized what a huge impact this issue has on my personal identity though. I always thought I escaped it somehow because I feel part of the "bourgeois mainstream." I don't think any of us can avoid it though. How can I be a woman and be a misogynist? It doesn't make sense. I'm not sure what to do about it.

One thing, I know is that you HAVE to read Luisa Passerini's "Autobiography of a Generation." I think you would absolutely love it. I have it, so I'll show it to you. It's SUCH a "B" book.

I love you so much and am so glad I have you to talk to about stuff. You are so smart.

-your hyde-

PS: I thought this slogan was really funny. A women's lib movement was against the exploitation of women in porn, but their socialist male counterparts said that it was part of free-sex, love and sexual liberation. The women called them "Socialist Pricks with Bourgeois Dicks." I SO want to be able to use that line somewhere...