Details (The Rundown On My Narc Week)

Well, I made a major mistake last night. I knew that I've been run down, that I needed to go to bed early and that I'd have a long day ahead of me today, but I stayed out late last night anyway. Now I'm exhuasted. I have two parties to go to tonight and probably shouldn't stay long at either of them.

Yesterday morning I left Narc's place early. I had to call my therapist (in Switzerland) but I didn't want to call from his house. I knew he would be leaving for the airport soon enough anyway. I was a little sad because I had fallen asleep ahead of him the night before and had now woken up earlier, so there wasn't much time for "cuddling." In any case, I got up, got dressed and leaned in to kiss him goodbye.

"Have a good trip."

He rolled over.

"Yeah. I'll have to tell you all about it when I get back."

Back at my place, I went over the events of the weekend with my therapist and also talked to her about the Anxious situation. She shored me up to confront Anxious about the ways in which she keeps putting me down. When we hung up, I sent Anxious an email telling her that her comments about the Stallion were insulting and that I'm sick of her taking jabs at me. She wrote back that she's sick of my "hypersensitivity." Well, what she calls my "hypersensitivity," I call her tactlessness. I didn't respond to her letter. I'm just not going to engage with her on that level. The bottom line is that she consistently hurts my feelings and either she's willing to apologize or she's not. Much later (at around 1:00 am last night), I got a message from her. She was tearful and said that she "can't imagine her life without me." Well, this has been going on for months now, so she may just have to. I haven't responded to her yet, because I'm still not quite sure what I want to do about it.

After sending Anxious the initial email yesterday morning, I called B in the Philippines with a phone-card I bought the previous day. We spoke for an hour or so. It's crazy how much I miss him yet he hasn't even been gone for a whole week!

For the rest of the afternoon I stayed home and worked on the mounds of papers I still had to grade. (And lucky me-- just as I've finished those, I now have a hundred final exams to work my way through!) I was so fucking tired that I dozed off at around 4:00 in the afternoon and didn't wake up again until 6:30. I scrambled to finish my work and still have time to meet NextDoorNeighbor for a drink. By the time I called him at around 10:00, he was having dinner with his ex-girlfriend. (He was tipsy and asked me if he should try to have sex with her. I told him that I didn't think it was such a good idea). We agreed that when he was free he would meet me at Cheers. I headed out.

When NextDoorNeighbor finally arrived, he showed me all of his pictures from Mexico and asked me to catch him up on what had been going on between me and Narc. Since I didn't really give any of you much detail about Tuesday and Wednesday's happenings. I'll recount the past few days for you now, just as it was told to NextDoorNeighbor last night.

Tuesday:

All day Tuesday I was so nervous about the upcoming dinner party. I spent the morning with my stepbrother and (like I said in a previous post) it was absolutely amazing. He is so much more expressive and interactive now and his personality is really coming back. LilSis, JBC and I helped him eat lunch and entertained him for a while with playing cards and tic-tac-toe. At around 1:00 my two stepsisters arrived and LilSis and JBC dropped me off at the train station to head back to the city.

Narc had texted me while I was at the hospital:

Meeting ----- at Times Square at 6 pm for an hour or so, can meet you after around 7:30 for a drink in the area, then dinner at 8:45.

I wrote back:

Sounds good. Heading back to the city now. Just call or txt 1/2 hour or so before you want me there to tell me where exactly to meet you...

So it seemed as if he were actually planning to keep the date. I didn't want to trust it. I felt a little overwhelmed with a strange mix of feelings and I wasn't quite sure where to put them.

That said, my nerves would have to be put on hold. I didn't have much time to think of anything at all, because I had to run to the school where I teach to photocopy the next day's exams. While I was in the copy room a senior faculty member came in and looked over my shoulder at the exam. He asked if he could read it. I was embarrassed, but complied. To my delight he was very impressed. He asked if he could have a copy of the test and I gave him one of the study guides I had written as well. He even showed it to another professor who walked by. They asked about my career plans and I told them that I was at the end of my teaching fellowship and would have to find work in the fall as an adjunct.

"Well, if I have anything to do with it, you'd be hired back with honors!" he said.

Yay!

When I finished up with all that, I hopped in a cab back to my neighborhood and stopped by the liquor store to pick up some wine for the party (that put me out about $40). Hammer called and told me to get dressed up for the event. I didn't really want to. I explained that I didn't want to appear as if I were trying "too hard" for him. I didn't want Narc to feel overwhelmed. Plus, I just couldn't allow myself get too excited about the whole occasion. It would make it hurt that much worse when things fall apart.

The bottom line is that I really don't trust that Narc will come through for me. Every single time in the past that I've asked him to make a plan, he's come up with some excuse. Then there was that awful trilogy of events in February--he stood me up for the opera, he masturbated in front of Anxious, and in my greatest moment of need (the week of my brother's car crash) he completely let me fall. Why should this be any different? Reading back over my description of Saturday night, the inner-conflict that all of this yo-yo behavior has caused me is clear. I want to tell Narc that I love him. I want to believe that he loves me. I want to let myself go and to fall in to him, trusting that he'll be there. I want some kind of real relationship, but I just don't know whether he's capable or willing.

Anyway, all of this was stirring inside me on Tuesday evening, fostering in me an unarticulated anxiety. I got dressed and left my place, walking to Cheers in the rain. One whiskey to calm my nerves shouldn't be too bad. I said hi to IrishBird, drank my one glass of Jack and headed off to meet Narc.

We met up at the Paramount in Times Square. He was inside with two friends, but came out to greet me on the curb. I thought it was sweet. He was wearing his infamous velvet blazer. Things seemed to start off okay, but back inside his mood darkened. He was cold and stand-offish and was really sort of ignoring me. I felt like I had to keep talking to keep the energy up. On top of that, we were now running really late for the dinner party. If I were more comfortable with him, I would have pressed him to leave, but I just couldn't. Instead, I calmed my nerves with three more drinks on an empty stomach. Uh oh. I told Narc that I was starting to feel the alcohol.

"Don't worry," he said. "You can't tell."

"Ok. But why do you seem so down today?" I asked. ("down," "awkward," "cold," "distant," "not at all like the boy who told me two nights ago that he loves me...")

"I'm not down," he shrugged. "Just tired."

Back out in the rain, we had trouble finding a cab. At this point we were nearly 45 minutes late and when we arrived, Hammer and the Wizard were upset. Narc was still being distant, and I was slightly drunk, getting more depressed by the minute. I tried to pull myself out of it to have a good time. Now in retrospect I fear I may have been self-sabatoging. It's almost as if I were looking for everything to go wrong because I didn't trust anything to go right.

The Wizard has a beautiful apartment with a glorious view of the Park. He and Hammer had gone all out for the occasion and set a beautiful table, bought the best quality steaks (to be seared on the Wizard's special pan!) and made it a truly lovely evening for us.

Talk at the dinner table was nice as well. It was strange to hear Narc tell things about himself, all of which I already knew. I think I know a lot more about him than he does about me, only because I get pleasure from hearing him endlessly chatter on about himself, but only recently have I begun to do the same. Hammer and Narc exchanged Mac software. It was cute. But even though things seemed fine on the surface, the whole situation made me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure where to file all of it in my head. Were we there as a couple? Were we there as friends? Does this mean that I can call him now just to talk or hang out? Is he willing to try to make something work? Or is this all going to go back to the 4:00 am "come fuck me" phone calls with no mention of anything else?

It was hard for me to do the dinner. I kept drinking and must have finished at least 4-5 glasses of wine. The Wizard wanted to show us the terrace, so Narc and I walked out there for a smoke. He finished his first, but didn't wait for me to do the same.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Back inside. It's cold."

I was really upset that he didn't wait with me, or at least ask if I minded if he went back in. Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I felt myself begin to sink. I just stayed out on the terrace alone in the cold. I can get so fucking dramatic. I didn't even pause to think that I might be behaving rudely towards our hosts.

Finally back inside, the Wizard had the fire going. I pulled Hammer aside and told her I felt like Narc was ignoring me.

"He's just trying to be polite to us," she said. "Don't be so sensitive. It's fine. It's going fine."

I didn't believe her. I laid down on the floor near the fireplace and kind of retreated into my own little world as the others talked. In my mind, I had already written the Narc-relationship part of the night off as a disaster. Again, now that I have a little bit of distance from the whole thing, I suspect that I was self-sabotaging in order to protect myself from what I was sure would be an inevitable disappointment.

We all started to get tired at around 12:30 and Narc and I gathered ourselves to leave. We thanked them for the dinner, apologized again for being late, and set off into the night.

Narc asked if I wanted to go for another drink.

"Sure. I know a place just a few blocks down." (Ironically, we headed to the same place where I had been on a date with SeattleGuy a few months ago).

As we walked, Narc asked me about Hammer and the Wizard.

"How long have they been seeing each other? I thought she was dating that PunyBoy..."

(The only other time Hammer and Narc met was back in November. She and the Wizard were temporarily estranged due to some drama (a la OG) and Hammer had PunyBoy as an out of town visitor. It was a disaster. She just wasn't into him and had to spend the whole weekend trying to find ways to avoid hooking up with him. I was out with the two of them the night Narc met us at KGB.)

I explained the situation to Narc.

"Oh, ok. 'Cause the Wizard's much cooler," he said.

"I agree."

We walked on, heading into Flute on 54th street. There we sat at the bar and talked and drank some more. For some reason, though, we kept bickering. I never argue with him, so it was strange. But he just kept getting on my nerves.

We ended up getting into a discussion about high school and Narc delivered an impressive speech about why high school as an institution is a waste, and should be abolished. I had to disagree.

"I loved high school," I told him. "I feel like I learned a lot and I really flourished. It gave me a lot of confidence and self-esteem in those years. I was president of fucking everything and I think I really learned how to work with adults...how to present myself."

"Well, if you're all about authority, that's why you want to go into academia," he said.

I didn't understand the connection, and the comment really irritated me.

"I would hardly say I'm 'all about authority,' Narc. Besides, you have no fucking clue why I want to study history."

I tried to explain to him that it's sort of a spiritual thing for me. He brushed my comments aside and told me that my high school experience "obviously wasn't representative."

"Oh, but yours is?" I demanded. "And what exactly are you basing that on?"

(I think Narc is just bitter because he was picked on in high school. He left for college after just two years. Smart kid.)

Later we got into some sort of discussion about childhood trauma. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I said something about having "abandonment issues."

"No. You don't have abandonment issues," he declared.

"What? What the fuck do you know about it?" I was really annoyed.

I think it was clear how irked I was because he backed down a little.

"Well, maybe it's condescending for me to say that to you."

"I'd say... It's condescending to think that you can diagnose me or that you know me better than I know myself."

"Fair enough."

Narc and I were definitely butting heads. He thinks he's smarter than everyone else. (At least that's the story he tells himself). Normally I don't challenge that (I like to make him feel good by catering to it), but when it really comes down to it, I don't think he's one shred smarter than I am. Narc and I found ourselves engaged in a mini-War-of-the-Egos.

At around 2:00 am, Flute was closing up. Narc and I went back out onto the street.

"Now what?" he asked.

"Home, I guess," I said. I tried to be casual. "Did you want to go home together?"

He was surprised I even asked.

"Of course!"

I suggested his place. (I had secretly taken along my overnight stuff, just in case.)

"Well, yours is closer," he said.

"Yeah, but I have to be out of the house super-early tomorrow. I have to go give a final. At your place I could just leave, but if we go to mine, I'd have to wake you up."

"That's okay. I should wake up early anyway."

"Early-early? Like before 9:00?"

"Yeah, it's okay."

"You promise you'll get up with me?"

"I promise."

We grabbed a cab back to my apartment.

"Want to go see if Cheers is still open?" I asked.

"Sure."

When we got to the door, they appeared to be closed, but I could still see IrishBird, PumpedUp and FightingMensch inside. I pounded on the door. IrishBird came and opened it.

"I'm sorry love, but we're closed."

"Oh, that's okay," I said. "I just wanted to introduce you to Narc."

Her eyes widened. She was excited.

"So this is the Narc?"

She told him that he should "take care" because he has such a "smart, beautiful and wonderful" girl (her words, not mine). After a few minutes Narc and I headed back to my place for whiskey. (By the next morning the two of us had finished of 2/3 of a bottle of Jack. That was on top of my previous 4 drinks at Paramount, 4-5 glasses of wine with dinner, and 3 drinks at Flute. God knows how much he had. We were wasted, to say the least.)

I don't remember much of the tail end of the night. Narc kept asking me to put on romantic piano music. Whatever I put on, though, he rejected. Finally I put on the Faure Requiem because I wanted to hear it, and I refused to change it. (Not like he protested all that much). Narc likes to be in control of the environment, and I always let him control the remote, the music choices, etc. But this was my house, and I was feeling feisty.

Later, Narc complained to me.

"Don't you think it's strange that my reputation precedes me with all of your friends?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they all think they know me. I don't like that feeling. I lived on camera for a few years and had to deal with strangers thinking they knew me all the time, but they really didn't."

"What the fuck, Narc? My friends don't think they know you. They're just my friends. I talk about my life to my friends. I've been 'seeing you' for 10 months now. How could they not have heard of you? I mean, don't you tell your friends about me?"

"No."

"Not at all?"

"Well, CouchSleeper, yes..."

"Ok. So it's just like that."

Really, I think Narc just can't stand not being in control. He's so careful to cultivate the way he comes across to people and he has no idea how I represent him. It made me think of something he had said on Saturday when we were talking about blogging. He said that he disabled the comments on his blog.

"Not me," I said. "I love getting comments on my blog."

"Why? Why do you care what other people think?"

"I don't know... It's like having a little support system out there."

"Like what?" he asked. 'Like they tell you 'Oh! You're right! That guy is such a jerk...'"

"Exactly!" I laughed.

Later I realized that his remark was revealing. He knows he's been jerking me around for months (he's said as much several times in the past) and is now afraid of what other people think of him.

Anyway, back to our conversation on Tuesday night--

I tried to reassure him.

"Listen, Narc. I love you. I told you that I love you just the way that you are. And anyone I've spoken to about you knows that."

For some reason I was sitting on the floor and he was up on the bar stool at my kitchen counter.

"Come down here," I said.

He came down to the floor. We had sex. And that's the last think I remember about Tuesday night.

Wednesday:

Just a few hours later I awoke to my alarm. I felt like shit but knew I had to get up for work. I nudged Narc. He let out half a snore, but hardly stirred. He sleeps like a bear! I got dressed and tried waking him again, but with no success. I had to go. I quickly perused the house for anything I wouldn't want him to see, cleared the "history" off my internet browser, and took off. I was feeling very pessimistic about the previous night. (As you can tell from my post "Not According to Plan.") I left him a note saying that I'd be back at noon, but I doubted that he would stick around.

As the two hours ticked by that I sat watching my students take their final exam, my stomach was literally tied up in knots. Would Narc still be there when I got back? I bolted right after class, getting back as soon as I could. To my surprise, he was there! He was stretched out naked on my living room couch, half draped by my white eyelet blanket, watching Fargo.

"Hey! I'm glad you're still here!"

I pushed him over a little on the couch and lay down next to him. It was a tight fit. He grabbed onto me firmly and pulled me in so that my face was buried in his chest. We lay like that for a while until I managed to turn my head and catch a portion of the movie. Narc dosed off. I lay on top of him, and changed the channel to my soaps. It was absolute perfection!

When he woke up he said that he was hungry for pizza. I volunteered to go out and get us some (as neither of us had enough cash on us for delivery). Narc and I ate the pizza and had a lot of afternoon sex. (Some of this I already blogged about.) Because of my botched attempt at taping American Idol, we headed down to his place. I brought work to do and we had such a nice afternoon--a lot more sex, and then just hung out being cozy together. He watched TV while I graded papers. We spent the entire evening that way. Neither of us mentioned any of the mini-drama from the night before. I absolutely love that about him--no matter what either of us does or says while drunk, all is forgotten and forgiven in the morning. I think that's why I've always looked past his drunken insults. It's like an unspoken pact between us.

At around 8:00, we both got a chocolate craving, so I volunteered to go get some more ice cream. When I came back we watched the America Idol results show together. Then we showered (wink!) and went back to more TV and ice cream. He's just as much a hedonist as I am. I love it! At one point, a friend of his called and asked him what he was up to.

"Just hanging out with my friend Hyde," he said.

I loved that he mentioned my name!

By 11:00 or so, I was exhausted beyond belief. While Narc had slept in until nearly noon, I was running on just a few hours of sleep. I started to doze off, my head in his lap. When I realized that I had reached the point of no return, I told him that I was going to head in for the night.

"Ok. Get some rest. I'll be in in a little while."

It was strange. Very "couple-y" behavior.

And so that brings us back to Thursday and my reunion at Cheers with NextDoorNeighbor.

We stayed out at Cheers pretty late last night and I drank more than I should have. BarMan brought out the karaoke even though it was a Thursday, and I got to sing my favorite number.

NextDoorNeighbor and I talked all about his trip. He told me he had turned down a chance to get laid in Mexico. (Silly boy!) He met a girl at his hotel (also a tourist). I saw her picture. She was pretty cute. His reason for turning her down (after all the effort we put in to find him someone before he left)--

"Well, if she'd sleep with me, then she's probably been with a lot of guys..."

"So? Use a condom."

"Yeah, but still..."

I swear-- I'll never understand men.

Later he bought a box of hair color. He desperately wanted me to help him dye his hair that very night. It was a box of frosty blonde, and I think he probaly chose it in drunkeness. I was way too tired to put in the effort and way too drunk to be of any real assistance, so I told him I was going to bed.

Today was an interesting day at school. I had to confront two students who plagiarized on their papers, whike two other students gave me very nice "thank you's" for the semester. One boy I had helped out in particular. He was supposed to have taken the final on Wednesday, but sent me an email late Tuesday night, freaking out that he was unprepared. I told him he could take it with my Friday class. He was so grateful that he gave me a card and a handshake on his way out. After that, I had a Japanese student tell me in broken English that even though she's only been in the US for a short time and has trouble with her English, that she "learned so much about history" and that she now wants to learn more. That girl is smart. She did really well on her paper despite the obvious language difficulty. She must have worked on it for ages. She said "thank you" and bowed to me a few times on her way out. It was sweet.

So I guess that's it for now. Even though I'm tired and hungry and had to deal with two cheaters today, my appreciative students put me in a good mood. Tonight both Bro-in-Law and Jake are having little parties, so I will be a busy girl flitting all about town.

Later...

h