Last Night... (and tears)

A Conversation a la MSN Messenger:

Hyde says:
last night was a disaster

B says:
what happened?

Hyde says:
oh, b....

B:
what???

Hyde:
Narc called me at about 1:30. I had drank a bottle of wine. I was excited. He called his first night back! Just what I wished for! I went to meet him. He told me to meet him at a bar. Everything was going good, but I don' t know how many whiskeys I had and was drunk. Some music came on the jukebox late and i was singing along. We got in some stupid spat.

B:
is there any other kind of spat?

Hyde:
he told me I wasn't singing it right b/c I was not belting part of it, but singing it in head voice. I pretended to be more offended than I was and said I was leaving. He had already been being kind of a jerk. He wouldn't let me put anything I wanted on the juke box. I was hanging on everything he said. So he said "fine. leave." It was a challenge to me. I took my stuff and left, but didn't really. I just stood outside the bar on the curb for 20 min

B:
oh no!

Hyde:
I didn't see any cabs and I thought it was dumb, so i went back in. He was gone. I thought "what???" The bartender said he left. So I started walking towards his house and called him

B:
oh no!!!

Hyde:
he didn't pick up the phone

B:
what a disaster

Hyde:
I was drunk and had no idea where I was.

B:
poor H!

Hyde:
finally after a million calls he picked up. He told me he would be "sleeping alone," that I "shouldn't have walked out on him" and that he didn't want to see me. He was mean to me. Punishing. I started crying hysterically in the street. I had no clue where I was and I was scared someone would mug me. It was around 4:00 am.

B:
Grrrrr!!

Hyde:
I kept sending him texts saying i was sorry, that it was stupid, please forgive me, etc. The last one I sent said "What did I do that was so amazingly awful? I so wanted to be w/you & I really don't understand. I waited for you. So goodbye. I guess that's how you want it." Nothing in response. Finally, from wandering, I found his building. His doorman was away from the door so I went in.

B:
H, why do you make yourself his doormat?

Hyde:
I went up to his apartment and kept ringing the bell. Finally he answered and told me to go away or he'd call security. That was the last straw for me. It hurt so badly. I left. It made me cry so much. I'm crying again right now.

B:
poor H!!!!!!!

Hyde:
In the cab I was crying. My driver tried to give me "counseling." When I got home i was a mess. I really wanted to do something bad...to hurt myself. I just kept thinking that I messed it all up. I still think so.

B:
you didn't do it, h.

Hyde:
I mean, he called me on his first day back and look what I did!

B:
come on--reality check.

Hyde:
I was in a bad state.

B:
reality check.

Hyde:
I called GoldenFinch, Liu, Hammer... I called you.

B:
huh?

Hyde:
nobody picked up. I couldn't breathe.

B:
when was this?

Hyde:
I called NextDoorNeighbor and he picked up. It was around 4:30 am here. I was hysterical, so he came over. He sat on the floor with me and tried to talk me through.

B:
i didn't hear the phone.

Hyde:
(it was busy)

B:
oh.

Hyde:
then NextDoorNeighbor told me to come sleep on his couch. I did.

B:
my brother was on the computer.

Hyde:
I just woke up and came back home. I can't believe what I did. I hate myself. And i'm so sad. B, I can't do this. I'm too sad.

B:
yes you can.

Hyde:
I have to do my semester grades but my heart just hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep.

B:
so do them. Don't dick around. It'll help get your mind clearer.

Hyde:
now I've been up 2 seconds and i'm crying again. Why did I do that? Why? Why couldn't I behave better?

B:
what do you think you did wrong?

Hyde:
I shouldn't have walked out. It challenged him. And now he hates me.

B:
But you didn't hurt yourself. That's really good. And as for N, you know what i'm gonna say about that. So i won't bother. You also know what Dr. G would say.

Hyde:
what?

B:
and she'd be right.

Hyde:
bother. please bother...

B?

You still there? huh? b?

***********
PS: I called Narc this morning and left him a message. I said that I still don't understand what happened, but that I would appreciate it if he'd call me. I asked him to call. We'll see if he will. I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore though. I feel drained.

No. I do know what I want. I want banana pancakes.

************
PPS: I told N last night that I'm now 12 days late. I've been stressed about it, and just wanted to have someone in it with me, you know? Maybe that's what made him hate me. I should test today. Just get it taken care of.