"Never Marry a Reclamation Project"

(Happy Birthday Narc!)

Today is Narc's birthday. I decided to mark the occassion by sending him a simple email. (Try as I might, I couldn't ignore the event, but I didn't want to do anything too desperate or elaborate). So this morning I wrote him the following message:

Narc,

(A little disclaimer-- I know that you said that you don't care all that much about birthdays, but you know that I definitely do, so I just couldn't let yours go unspoken for...)

Anyway, Happy Birthday with all my heart. Hope that "29" is a happy year, full of all the rewards and accomplishments that you've been working for.

Go out and do something fun today!!! You deserve it.

Lots of Love,
Hyde

After that (and feeling slightly strange about it), I headed off to therapy. It was an incredibly productive session in terms of shedding new light on my thoughts and feelings where Narc is concerned.

Last night I spent an hour at Cheers hanging out with BarMan. He told me that he met a girl that he's thinking of asking out, but that she may be too much of a "diva" for his taste. That launched an entire discussion on what each of us looks for in a potential mate. I had to admit that for me, it's hard to put my finger on. The only common characteristic to be found in my various choices over the years is narcissism and the need to be "saved" in some way that only my love can accomplish. And that brings me to the title of my post--"never marry a reclamation project." After three marriages and nearly 20 years practicing family law and arranging divorces, that's the one line of advice my mom has consistently offered up where relationships are concerned.

Anyway, back to my "theraputic discoveries" about the whole Narc situation...

I say that I "love" Narc. When my therapist asked me what I want from all of this, or what the best possible gain could be, I said that I "just want him to be happy."

"How does that fulfill you?" she asked. "Where in that equation do you have your needs met?"

Well, obviously it meets some need of mine to be the nurturer. I want to give him "unconditional love." And it has to be unconditional. (In case you guys haven't noticed, no matter what he's done--standing me up for the opera, masturbating in front of my friend, kicking me out when my brother was in critical condition, cursing me out on the phone, and now seeing another girl--I haven't stopped loving him and "wanting him to be happy.") "Unconditional love" has always been my personal ideal for complicated reasons that I don't have the energy to go into right now. Who needs "unconditional love" and saving the most? Why the "reclamation projects," of course!

What my therapist pointed out today, though, is that pity dimishes a person. With Narc, it's like I don't respect him enough to expect things from him. He's fucking 29 years old today! I should demand that he step up and be a man by treating me with some respect, by demanding that he take responsibility for making decisions about his life and then following up on those decisions. By letting him get away with this kind of floundering around, and the kind of self-indulgence that he has always had at my expense, it's not loving him. Making myself unconditionally emotionally and sexually available isn't helping him! Maybe I need to stop rewarding his bad behavior (ie getting drunk and calling to curse me at 4:00 am and demand sex) by refusing to engage with him on that level.

I guess my big revelation was that my unconditional love can be harmful. Narc has said to me time and again that I'm "no good" for him. I always scoffed at that, thinking that he just didn't understand what was "really" good for him--ie someone who would accept him no matter what, allowing him to be comfortable enough to take himself out of his persistent emotional isolation. Can it be that my love actually indicates a lack of faith in his ability to function as a responsible, caring adult?

The other big change in my thinking-- Up to this point, I kept insisting that Narc is "confused." My therapist disagrees. She kept telling me that he's not confused! After talking it through, I teased out what I think is an important distinction. She's right. He's not confused. Rather, he's conflicted. There's a major difference. The best metaphor I can think of to explain it is the idea of being on a diet. For example, one usually knows what one needs to do in order to lose weight (on a basic level--eat less, exercise more). If someone has a goal (losing 10 pounds, for example), then they know what they have to do to get there. That doesn't mean that they want to do it. That person may love chocolate and sweets and indulge in them all the time, but it doesn't mean that that person wants chocolate and sweets in the long run. In fact, that person knows that those sweets are keeping him from his goals. Well, that's how I think Narc feels about me.

I don't doubt it at all when Narc says that he loves me. I feel that it's true. I feel that he wants to be with me. But that doesn't mean that he wants me. He's not confused at all. In fact, he's made it pretty clear for months now. He always talks about his goals and ambitions; he has always said that he is looking for a "muse." He also wants someone to externally motivate him--someone to make him get up and go jogging at 6:00 am and then somoeone to encourage him to stick to his writing all day. He doesn't want to take responsibility to do what he needs to do to meet his own goals. I can't offer him that. All I can offer him is unconditional love. Since he knows I'm not going to help him further his goals, he doesn't want me, but he continues to indulge in me anyway. And that's why I think I make him feel shitty about himself and why he keeps trying to get rid of me passive-agressively or by insisting we have more "space" between us.

Maybe he wants me to turn him down, even though he kicks and screams like a little baby who wants his bottle when I do. I sensed it on Thursday--that he was waiting for me to reject his advance. He has already decided that he doesn't want me (in terms of his long term goals) and so he's waiting for me to make it easy for him and reject him. But I don't. By being there all the time, I make it way too easy for him to indulge. I make it way to easy for him to "fuck up" and get off the path of his long-term agenda.

So if I really do love him, should I put an end to all this for good?

I need to stop writing my own script for him. I need to stop telling myself that he really does want me, but just can't let himself accept it. He doesn't want me. He made that decision a few months ago, and since then, it's been pretty clear ever since that brief period in late November/early December when he left that message saying he'd been "unfair to me" and that he wanted to talk in order to "renegotiate the terms of our relationship."

So seriously, Hyde--stop deluding yourself for TWO SECONDS (because you've always known that's what this has been about). You know he's no good for you either! You don't want him either!

I was feeling pretty good about things when I left therapy--more resolved than ever that this is not the right thing for me. And seriously, I do love him and I do want to help him be the best person that he can be. If that means removing myself from his life, then maybe that's what I should do.

Then I got to school and stopped to check my email. I had received the following email from Narc:

Aww! Thanks for remembering!

Not doing anything special today--in writing all week--but maybe this weekend I shall finally relax...

Another year gone (sigh)--I hope and pray this coming one will be THE one, finally...

N

Well, it's not like he said anything there, but it still made me get all soft and melted and queasy. I have to put all of this out of my mind for the afternoon. I need to work on a paper and get to class by 2:00 pm. I wish I could see him today though. I feel like I have very little control over anything right now. I need to do something good for myself, like starting to exercise or something...

That's it for now... maybe I'll write some more later.

Oh! PS: The Stallion called me yesterday in the middle of the afternoon "just to see how my teaching went." Weird, right? VJ had some thoughts on that one, but I'll save that for the next post...