Bells are Ringing

Disclaimer: It's late, I'm exhausted and it took me a long time to write this, so I'm not going to bother to edit or spell check. Hope there aren't too many mistakes!

What started out as a rather normal week took a sudden twist this weekend that I never would have seen coming. Up until Saturday night, the week was rather slow. Maybe it's because of all of the school work that I've had to do, or maybe it's because I've been run down with a bacterial infection, but in any case, I just haven't been much in the mood for partying or adventure. I went out drinking on Tuesday night, but after that had a dry stretch all the way through Saturday--one that took no effort at all. I really feel like I'm starting to come out of my insane partying mode, which is a good thing. My life could use just a tad more moderation.

Anyway, on Friday night I was completely wiped out after teaching. My department hosted its end of the semester party, but I was much too tired to attend. After the party, a bunch of friends headed out for Mexican and a game of pool, calling me to come join, but again--I was too tired. Instead, I stayed at home for a cozy night of television. (I watched another "Dr. Phil Primetime" Special, the Daytime Emmy's and the cast of 24 on Charlie Rose.) On Saturday I wasted the morning fiddling with my blog and spent the afternoon at the public library grading papers. I bumped into Hammer and the Wizard at the library, and when they were ready to leave at around 5:00, I got up to leave with them. Hammer and I chatted for a while, before I headed towards home. As I passed Cheers, I couldn't help but drop in to say hello to BarMan.

Like I've said before, I love Cheers on Saturday afternoons because it's always completely empty. In fact, for much of the afternoon/early evening, I was the only one there. BarMan and I talked about anything and everything. He's just a really cool guy. I drank diet cokes and continued to grade papers. By 8:00 IrishBird and the rest of the evening staff started to show up. She asked me what my plans were for the rest of the night.

"I don't know," I told her. "I'm still trying to figure that out. What I do know is that I'm having really strong Narc feelings today. I guess I'm going to try not to call him."

"Oh, please don't call him, Hyde! Why don't you come hang out here with us tonight? And you don't even have to drink," she said. "Just make it a night with friends--no self-destruction and no going to see Narc. That man is bad for you."

"He's not that bad," I said.

I thought about trying to explain it all once again, but decided that it wasn't worth the effort.
All I could muster was a weak "Hmm... I don't know."

In my head, I knew that it didn't make a difference whether he's "good" or "bad." I wouldn't get to see him either way. I never get to see Narc on my terms, and I had no reason to believe that he would respond to my texts or calls if I bothered to initiate.

I left Cheers at around 9:00 and told them that I'd probably see them all later. I was feeling a little blue. It was a Saturday night and I had no plans. Not only that, but I hadn't gone out at all on Friday either. Hammer was busy in "paper-mode," VJ had her new boyfriend in town and B was out with his girlfriend. I picked up a few slices of pizza and made my way home in the rain. I couldn't help but think about Narc. Maybe he was on my mind because we've been in touch so much more this month. (Brief rundown: He was at my place April 22nd-23rd, I was at his on May 5th, then we exchanged emails on his birthday (the 10th), then I was back at his place on the 14th and the 15th and then we exchanged text messages this week, all week long.) I impulsively picked up the phone and decided to call him. I wasn't expecting him to answer. I figured I'd just get his voice mail and would then hang up. I called him from my landline (which comes up as a blocked number) and on the very last ring, he answered the phone. I was startled and caught off guard.

"Narc?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, hey" It's Hyde," I began awkwardly.

I felt so stupid--like a little kid. I didn't really know what to say. My mind was scrambled and my stomach was suddenly tied into knots, yet somehow I went on--while my mind froze, my mouth continued to converse. I asked him what he had been up to lately.

"The usual... Work," was his reply.

"Working all day today, then?" I asked.

"Well, no. Actually, I'm just getting back from brunch with a friend. We got rained out on the terrace."

"Brunch? Um, Narc--it's almost 10:00 at night!"

"Well, maybe not brunch then, but some meal... we were there for a few hours."

"Oh."

I rambled on a bit about how busy I had been, myself, and that after a day in the library I was trying to decide what to do with myself for the evening.

"Well, I'm just hanging out here at home," he said.

(Was that an invitation?)

"Oh, well, I don't know... Do you want to meet up tonight or something? Or are you working?"

(Damn! why was I so nervous?)

"Yeah, sure. You can pop by if you like," he said. "And we can figure something out."

"Great! I guess I can be there in an hour or so."

(Was this really happening?)

After we hung up, I ran to fix my makeup and then quickly went about throwing some things into an overnight bag. In the middle of all of that, Sunshine called. I talked to her on my cell for a while as I finished packing, crossed the street to the deli for a bottle of wine, and hopped into a cab down to Tribeca. As I pulled up to Narc's corner, I said goodbye to Sunshine and tried to ground myself. I really don't know why I was so nervous. On my way into his building, Hammer called.

"Hammer, I don't know why I feel like so awkward-- Like I'm a 4th-grader!"

"Just be yourself Hyde!" she advised.

I headed in.

Narc answered the door as usual--naked and erect. I didn't want to jump right into sex though. I wanted to see if there would be anything else for us without that. After all, it was only 11:00 and both of us were sober. I gave him a quick kiss hello and moved past him to drop my things in his entry hall. Then I made my way over to the couch. Narc followed, and we hung out watching TV for a while. He had TiVo'd some "American Idol" bloopers show that aired on Thursday night. We watched it and laughed together. We downed the bottle of wine, smoked some cigarettes and talked about a lot of things--mostly about his friends, and he told me stories about when he lived in New Orleans. At least two hours passed before we had sex. I was happy with that. Afterwards, Narc asked if I wanted to go out for a drink.

"Sure, why not?"

We threw on some clothes and were off.

I don't remember the name of the bar we went to, as I kind of just followed his lead through the streets of Tribeca. When we got there, we parked ourselves at the bar and I ordered a Jack on the rocks. He got a double-Jack and Coke. We were there for quite a few hours (and quite a few whiskeys!), and I don't remember every last detail of our conversations, but there were some remarkable moments. It was the most incredible and intense evening and I really feel like it changed things between the two of us. I only wish I had a more crystal clear memory of it so that I could tell it all here and now.

At one point we were talking about people who cheat on their mates. Narc said something about how monogamy is just a social construct.

"That may be so,"I said, "But even if it is, we still live within that framework, and have internalized those values. At least I have. I mean, I think I would have a hard time cheating, not necessarily from a moral point of view, but just in terms of comfort level."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, in the past, if I'm dating two people, but start to have real feelings for one of them, it feels dishonest and uncomfortable to me to date the other."

"Yeah, I know that about you," he said, pointedly.

(Basically, he was referring to our situation in November. I was dating SeattleGuy but started to recognize more and more my strong feeling for Narc. I told Narc about my emotional dilemma and asked if he wanted to step up and have any kind of real relationship with me; he told me that I could "do what I wanted to do," but that I shouldn't "break up with anyone else" for him.)

"So you remember that then? Back in the fall? Do you know that it's six months this week?" I asked.

"Six months since what?"

"Six months since that day we met up at KGB and then went back to your roof. Six months since I told you how I felt about you and decided not to be with anyone else. You do know how I feel about you, right?"

"Of course I know," he said.

"You say that, but do you really know?"

(Where was I going with this? All at once, I felt stupid.)

"I don't even know how to say what I--" I was becoming tongue-tied.

"What?"

"I don't know. This is foolish," I said. "I don't even know what I'm saying, and I can't--"

"Just spit it out, Hyde. Just say what you have to say. Put it on the table, you know?"

"Well..."

I took a deep breath.

"I love you."

Suddenly I felt like I was going into panic mode. I had made myself too vulnerable-- had somehow said too much. Why was I telling this guy that I love him? What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Um, I shouldn't have... Um, I--"

"Hyde, I know that," he said, squeezing my hand. "And you know how I feel about you too, right? He looked at me a little nervously.

"Sometimes... Well, no." I looked away. "I don't know, Narc. Maybe I should just go. Maybe I should go now."

I was still panicking. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to get away. I got up and raced down the stairs into the ladies room. I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to catch my breath. It seemed like an eternity passed. I counted to ten. Slowly, I started to feel more grounded. I decided to venture back up to the bar.

When I got back upstairs we got onto a much more neutral topic of conversation--blogging. Narc wanted to know the site of my blog.

"Um, I don't think so!" I told him.

"Well, why not?" he demanded. "You know my blog!"

"Yeah, but yours isn't like mine. Yours isn't as personal. Mine is more like a diary, and I can't trust you!"

(You guys, I would fucking die if he ever found this blog. I can't imagine what he'd think!)

He seemed offended.

"What do you mean, you can't trust me? I've never betrayed your trust. I've never told any of your secrets."

"I"m not talking about secrets, Narc. I'm talking about a different kind of trust. You know--when you share yourself with someone, and make yourself vulnerable to someone. I just don't trust that you're going to be there for me. I mean, you always fucking disappear."

A cloud passed over his face.

"Well, I told you that's how I am," he said.

Now I had him on the defensive. That's not what I wanted.

"I know that," I said. "And I'm not asking you to change," I said. "I fully accept you for who you are--I already told you that I love you the way you are. It's just that I just can't trust you that way. I can't lean on you. That's been your choice, and that's a fact."

Even later in the night, he mentioned to me that he's leaving town on Wednesday for some sort of spiritual retreat.

"It's not going to work though," he said. "They never do. I mean, I've been six months with my guru now and I'm still exactly the same as when we started."

"Then why bother?" I asked.

"Because I have to," he said. "Because I can't feel, and I have to figure out how to get past that."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like there's a steel plate here," he said, indicating his chest. "And I'm not living. I see other people all the time, feeling and living and having richness in their lives and I can't. It's like I'm a spectator. I go through life, but it doesn't touch me. I'm not living. And it's not fair... this is not what I want-- to feel so shut down, I mean. How could I not keep looking for a way out?"

"I don't think you're looking in the right places," I said. "Do you remember all those months ago when you told me you were looking for your 'muse'?"

"Well, I didn't mean another person," he interrupted. "I meant for something to inspire from within."

He seemed embarrassed.

"That's not true," I said. "You did mean another person. We had a whole conversation about it. You told me that you needed to find a woman to be your muse--someone healthy and grounded who would get you up to go jogging at 6:00 am. You told me that you needed a healer. Do you remember what I said?"

"No."

"Well, you were giving me reasons why you thought that I was 'bad for you,' or why we were 'bad for each other.' I told you that I may be the most unhealthy person that I know in a lot of ways, but that I think that I am a 'healer' in a lot of other ways--ways that you might appreciate, only, you don't want to look there."

"Yeah, I remember...we did that personality test."

"Right. But I think you're scared of what you need," I said.

"What do you think I need?"

"Love. And to learn to trust people-- to be able to make yourself vulnerable, exposed. You can't ever have intimacy or any kind of emotional connection to anyone if keep yourself so intensely protected. That's your steel plate for you. And I'm not saying it's simple. Love is the shittiest most painful thing when the other person disappoints you--it's almost unimaginable. But still, it's worth it."

"You sound like my guru now," he said. "The problem is that I don't know how to do that."

"It's a leap of faith. And it doesn't matter if it hurts. I love you, but it hurts. I still love love though."

"Don't say that though, about me hurting you. I never promised you anything."

"I'm not indicting you, Narc. But it still hurts. You'll never know how badly my heart was broken the day you stood me up for La Boheme."

"What? That was just some dumb oversleeping thing..."

"I don't think so," I turned back towards my drink.

"You think I did that on purpose?"

"Yes, I think you did that on purpose! I thought it then and I still think it now!"

"I swear to you that I didn't."

"Whatever... There's no use in arguing about it now."

"Why do you think that though?"

"Because, Narc! If you really felt badly about it, you would have offered to pay me for the tickets, or take me to a show to make up for it, or at least take me to lunch or SOMETHING. Instead, I came back to your place, and you laid around naked all day demanding sex and acting like it was no big deal."

"I didn't know you felt like that," he said. "I can still make it up to you. There's a dance show I wanted to go to. I can take you to that. Or maybe to an opera next season."

"That would be nice," I said. I didn't believe him about any of it though.

The rest of the time at the bar, we just talked a lot and had fun. A couple sat down next to us. One of them was a very masculine looking drag queen. They kept looking over at us as I was ordering drinks and he/she kept saying "I absolutely LOVE a girl who can handle her whiskey!" Then he/she kept telling Narc that he had a "dark-haired Italian beauty," which I thought was funny because I don't think I look at all Italian and for once, Narc didn't know what to say. We started talking to them about Hemingway and Narc said that Hemingway sucks, whereas I said he was sexy. (Narc said he prefers Fitzgerald.) We stayed past last call. At around 4:15 or so, the bartender let us light up, so we stayed and smoked and talked for a while more. Finally at about 4:45, we set off for his place.

Once in the street, Narc kissed me, and I started to feel nervous about things again. What was I getting myself into? I didn't want to start feeling things too intensely only to have the rug pulled out from under me. And let's not be stupid here--that's what's happened every single time I've let myself feel close to him in the past. I started thinking that maybe I should go home.

"Maybe I should go, Narc. I just don't know about this..."

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Of course you're coming home with me. Don't be silly!"

"No, Narc... I just feel exposed. You know? Maybe I should go."

"Listen. I promise I'll take care of you tonight," he said. "I want to take care of you."

He took my hand and held it so tightly and started to lead me back to his place. I didn't have the will to resist that. I just let myself fall into it.

Back at his place, we started kissing.

"I love you. I love you, Hyde," he said. He said it over and over.

I pulled back.

"Do you really Narc? Because don't say it if it's not true."

"It is true. It has been true, and you know it's true. It's just that I can't. I can't do it, and I just don't know..."

"It's okay," I said. "It doesn't matter."

I kissed him again to make the moment pass, but my heart was already full. We had sex for a few hours and he must have told me he loves me a hundred times. The night was absolutely perfect.

The next morning I woke up in his arms. I had set my alarm for 10:00 because I had plans to meet B at my apartment and I didn't want to be late again this week. When I went to get out of bed, Narc pulled me back in.

"No! Where are you going?"

"I'm coming back," I told him.

After brushing my teeth, I climbed back into bed and we spent an hour or so fucking. Then I really had to go. Narc had fallen back asleep.

"I had fun," I said, gently waking him. "I'll see you soon."

It was so strange. As soon as I was clothed, and we both knew I was leaving, it was like he completely pulled away. There was a coldness radiating from him, even in his half-asleep state. I felt his steel plate going back up.

"Sure," he said. "Soon."

I kissed him on the cheek and left.

When I got home, I tried to freshen myself up and get the whiskey off my breath before B arrived. B left for the Philippines on Monday, so Sunday was our last time seeing each other for three weeks. When he arrived we headed to the diner for brunch. I had absolutely delicious banana pancakes. (Yum!) Then we came back to my apartment to spend time together. We had such an awesome and cozy afternoon. We watched "Fiddler on the Roof" on channel 13 while he occasionally flipped to the baseball game. We sang songs, and listened to beautiful choral music. I was wiped out from the night before, and I fell asleep on his lap. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew the hour was approaching. It made me so sad. I'm going to miss him so much, even though it's just a short time. Sadness!

At 4:15 or so, I got a text. It was from Narc!!! He wrote:

How was church?

I don't know if you guys can imagine how that one little text made me feel. I had just left him that morning, but there he was, missing me already and initiating contact! I think that our raw and open discussion changed something for both of us. I think he really does believe that I love him. In the past, I think he's always been able to protect himself by writing me off as hyper-emotional. When we broke up in February he told me I would "get over him faster than I thought." But I'm still here, and maybe he's starting to trust that. In any case, I was elated. B wasn't set to leave until 6:00 though, and I didn't want to disrespect him by getting into a thing with Narc, so I decided to wait before responding. Once B was gone, I wrote back:

Didn't go to church. Met him after 4 lunch. Then did some work. Home now. What are you up to?

I collapsed onto the couch to watch some TV. It wasn't long before I heard back from Narc.

Just watching "Metallica" etc. Going to shower in a bit, can come join if you like... (wink)

Oh my god! I called Hammer in my excitement. I didn't want to see him in my current grimy state though. I wanted to shower myself and look pretty before making a return appearance. Plus, I had to work on writing a final exam and Hammer wanted to go for sushi. I needed to buy myself a few hours.

Hyde: Would love to, but have to write a final to give tomorrow & test software is on my computer here. In a few hours?

Narc: May be out with Dan later, but give a call.

Hyde: Ok. Expect to be done with work by 8:30. I'll call u then.

I showered, schminkened and finished my work much sooner than anticipated and raced downtown for sushi in the village. In the middle of my dinner with Hammer, I texted Narc again:

Hyde: Finishing up. See you soon??? (8:42 pm)

His answer?

Narc: Sure thing. Bring chocolate Ben & Jerry's! Need sugar.

Yay!!!

After dinner, Hammer walked me to the deli, and I found his very favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor--Brownie Batter. With that in hand, I hailed a cab back to Tribeca.

Narc answered the door naked again. He kissed me hello and I delivered his ice cream. He took it over to the couch where he was watching the tail end of Star Wars Episode 2. I told him I had never seen it.

"Did you catch the new one yet?" he asked.

"No."

"Wanna go?"

"Sure."

We ended up screwing around at his place for a while, but got interrupted by the clock, reminding us we had to be at the theater in 15 minutes if we were going to catch the 10:15 show. We threw our clothes on and were off.

I'm not a huge Star Wars person, but apparently Narc is (this was his second time seeing it already). I thought it was entertaining, but very clumsy at points. Plus, I was insanely exhausted as I had only slept about 4 hours the night before, and I'm still on a course of antibiotics. During the movie, Narc held my hand, and when I got tired, I rested my head on his shoulder. Sweet.

By the time the movie ended, both of us were falling asleep--maybe because we had both been drinking pretty hard the night before. We went back to his place and didn't even have sex, but instead, just fell asleep together. He likes to sleep in a way in which he pulls me in so tight that he's almost crushing me and I can't breathe. I like it though.

The next morning we woke up and had a lot more sex. I felt so close to him. After a while he got up and went web surfing. He read some spoilers for the season finale of 24, but I told him I'd KILL him if he let any of them slip to me. He was showing me some multi-track recording program he has on his computer. We were fiddling around with it and made some trippy club sounding song. (It reminded me of my ecstasy days with Liu). Then I got a text from Hammer. She and the Wizard were planning to go for burgers at the Corner Bistro. She asked if we wanted to come. I never expected in a million years for Narc to agree. It was beyond my wildest dreams, but when I asked him, he said that he'd go for it! My heart was flying off the handle. We had to hurry out of the house, because the Wizard was in a bit of a rush. We threw our clothes on again and were off.

If I weren't surprised enough about the events of the weekend already, I was even more surprised to see that Narc really hit it off with my friends. He and the Wizard especially had a lot to talk about. It turns out that the Wizard used to be a filmmaker himself, so he and Narc spent some time on that. The Wizard ate more than I could imagine! Three hamburgers, and then ice cream and cheesecake! We ended up hanging out with Hammer and the Wizard for quite a few hours. In the end, I had to take off to go administer a makeup final for a student, but I desperately didn't want to go. I had the feeling that if I didn't have to go anywhere, the Narc would have spent the entire day with me.

As we were saying goodbye to Hammer and the Wizard, they invited us to a dinner party on Tuesday. Again, much to my surprise, Narc accepted the invitation! What?!?!??! He was sweet. He waited for me as I hailed a cab, and when it arrived gave me a real kiss goodbye.

"Okay, honey," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

(Honey?!?!? What the fuck was going on???)

As I headed up towards school, my mind was racing. The only other time that Narc and I had planned anything in advance was La Boheme, and we all know how that turned out. I can't fucking believe what had just happened!

After giving the exam, I headed to Long Island. Navigating Penn Station in rush hour was NOT fun. I got here (to my parents' house) at around 7:00 and had dinner with my mom, my grandpa, LilSis and JBC. My stepfather was visiting my brother. Later mom and I watched the season finale of 24. It was fucking awesome! How am I EVER going to wait until January 2006 for more Jack Bauer? How? Can anybody tell me that?

I'm still at my parents' house now. Everyone is asleep and I'm in the dark in the living room on my laptop. I'm going to see my stepbrother in the hospital in the morning before heading back to the city. God, I can't stop thinking about Narc. I just know that something's going to go wrong. I can't let myself trust this, you know? I'll definitely let you all know how the dinner party goes. I'm so nervous that he's going to cancel on me at the last minute. I really don't know what to believe or how to feel right now. I am so fucking confused. Confused, but happy.

Very confused and very happy. But that's not so bad, right?

Lol,
Hyde