As Willing to Listen as the Dying Can Be.

"...as willing to listen as the dying can be..."

That, I have not yet been. But I've been undergoing a sort of spiritual shift this week and it's definitely for the better.

Letting go, letting go, letting go. I have so much fear. But Narc is not in my life anymore. And I will be okay, no matter how many times fleeting and frightened thoughts tell me otherwise.

Last night, a lot of people didn't show up for group. It ended up being only me, Meema and another woman. (Our counselor is a woman as well). At first I thought it was going to be an awful group. I normally don't like being with all women. But after the first ten minutes, something started to happen. I started to feel more comfortable talking about relationships and sexual issues and I started to talk. I really started to talk. It was an amazing relief. I felt like I had so many realizations-- awakenings that are still clinging to my spirit even though I can no longer quite articulate them as ideas. I have a lot of work to do, though, in terms of coming to accept my purpose-- to live my life, and not to exist for another person. It's so simple, yet so mind blowing to me.

I went to a really good meeting yesterday too. It was kind of random. I just picked an afternoon meeting close to my school One of the things I am coming to love most about AA is how absolute strangers can perfectly express ungraspable feelings that I've had all my life... feelings that I've never heard another friend express... feelings that I never dreamed another human being felt. And yet, nearly all of us have felt those things. It's giving me the gift of language. I'm more able to say what it is... that gnawing, that loneliness, that absolute disconnect that is not quite depression nor anxiety, but that I've been suffering from my entire life. Disconnect. I still feel it, although it's getting better.

And my sponsor yelled at me on Tuesday night. She told me that it was unacceptable that I didn't go to meetings on Saturday and Sunday and that I didn't call her. She said that I have to do that bare minimum or she can't work with me... She can't help me.

"You have to get it," she said. "And if I can't communicate it to you, maybe someone else can."

(Well, she didn't really "yell" at me. She was nice about it. But I felt so awful, it felt like getting yelled at.)

I'm working on my first step with her this week. So I have been reading the Twelve and Twelve and am starting to see what she is saying. Am I "as willing to listen as the dying can be?" "We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us," it says. But my fear is powerful. So fucking powerful.

Anyway, I did a lot of writing today... a lot of remembering. She asked me to remember how my life had become "unmanageable." So I wrote and wrote... I wrote a list of 15. I think I'll share it here. Why not? It's my reality. And I'm tired of being afraid of who I am... Yes, I'm afraid what you all will think of me, readers. But I am afraid of myself. And I don't want to be. I want to accept myself. I want to accept what I feel, who I am and what I've done. I don't want to need Narc. I want to have myself.

So, I present... the unmanageable mess of my life while drinking:

1.) 1998-1999: (Character) I became a liar, started cutting classes, juggling things to "get by;" I began making up stories to my friends and lying to my family more and more frequently which filled me with shame and made me feel alone. I was arrested for possession (of cocaine) in 1998 which "exposed me" to my family and the shame that came with that is a poison inside of me that I still haven't managed to expel.

2.) 1998-1999: (Safety/Self-Esteem) I began to experience blackouts and I started "acting out," frequently crying, publicly self-cutting, revealing much too much of myself and telling all my depression and my problems to strangers (cab drivers, bartenders, etc.) who would then often try to take advantage of me sexually. I had only hazy memories of this in the morning, which caused me to feel anxious, ashamed, guilty and like a bad person with so many secrets that I could never let anyone know the "real me." I began to feel even more "unlovable" than I had before. I convinced myself that most men could only want me for sex.

3.) 1998-1999: (Relationships) I had a destructive relationship with my 60-something-year-old choir director (who bought me drinks all the time) and I embarrassed myself in front of the other members of the choir, losing friends and ultimately suffered a huge loss in self-esteem.

4.) 2000-2001: (Relationships) I drank and drugged and became sexually promiscuous during times when I had (temporarily) broken up with my boyfriend and this created secrets and lies between us when we got back together and again brought shame and loneliness to me. I also felt that because he didn't drink and I did (and couldn't stop) that I was a bad person--dirty or slutty and somehow undeserving of his "goodness."

5.) 2000-2001: (Work/Character) I got drunk at an end of the year party at the high school where I taught and after the party, I went into a liquor store and bought alcohol for some (underage) graduating high school seniors who had been my students. The next year, three of my former students came to a birthday party at my house and I smoked weed in front of them. In my mind, this behavior is maybe the worst thing that I have ever done. I can't explain how much this violates my every value and I can't believe that alcohol brought me there and that I still kept on drinking.

6.) 2002-2003: (Relationships) When I broke up with B, my drinking led to extremely dramatic scenes, suicide threats, hysterics, self-mutilation and all sorts of other emotional threats in an attempt to make him feel guilty for having hurt me and to hold on to the relationship. These scenes were not new, but rather, drinking often led me to create such "drama" throughout our relationship.

7.) 2002-2003: (Daily Routine) I started drinking at home alone and started depending on alcohol to be able to sleep. After B and I broke up, I was afraid and I didn't believe that I could sleep alone. My drinking became more regular and more normalized and sleep without "passing out" seemed like a trial.

8.) 2004-2006: (Relationships) I entered into an emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive relationship with Narc which offered no emotional fulfillment, but even so, I would continue to accept whatever was dished out, hoping only for the sense of connection I felt while drinking with him. I became obsessed with him and I felt worse and worse all the while, but I felt as if I were trapped-- caught in a never ending destructive cycle of "eternal recurrence."

9.) 2004-2006: (Money/Daily Routine) My drinking led to the heavy use of cocaine in the summer of 2004 (and more moderate use thereafter). The cocaine use and the increased drinking led me to spend all of my money, using up all of my student loans and ignoring household bills which led to a constant state of debt for the next two years (My phone was frequently shut off, my electricity was nearly shut off, I accumulated credit card debt etc.). I needed to be bailed out by my mom multiple times. I failed to hold up my end of my financial agreements with my mother and couldn't get myself to get a job in the summer of 2004, 2005 or 2006. I still feel guilt and shame about this. More than anything, I don't want to be a burden to my mother.

10.) 2004-2006: (Safety) I began to bring strange men back to my house to drink or do drugs with me and I put myself in danger all the time. This got to the point where I was physically assaulted in my apartment once, date raped once, and one time awoke to find a used condom on the floor even though I didn't remember having sex with anyone. I was also frequently drunk and alone at various bars or on the street in the middle of the night, talking to strangers. One time I woke up on the street corner in Tribeca where I had passed out. I was mugged twice (once in 1999, once in 2004) and would sometimes receive strange phone calls from shady people I don't remember giving my number to.

11.) 2004-2006: (Daily Routine) My house fell into complete disarray. At times I didn't have working light bulbs, wouldn't bother to replace them, instead living in the dark; I would run out of toilet paper and never replace it; I wore dirty laundry, wouldn't change the cat litter and never took out the garbage.

12.) 2004-2006: (Safety) My blackouts and passing out became worse and worse. My neighbors reported having to drag me into my apartment from the hallway of the building. I would wake up with strange things in my pockets (matchbooks, books, a police badge, men's clothing, written notes, etc.), with strange outgoing or incoming calls on my phone, strange clothing (on or off my body) and in strange places (in and out of my apartment). Men (like Narc or the Stallion) would tell me that I said or did certain things and I was never sure whether or not to believe them or whether they were trying to manipulate me and make me believe things that were not true. The blackouts became so regular that I devised a complex system to deal with them, writing myself notes, sending myself text messages while drinking and even calling my home phone from my cell phone (while drunk) to report what was happening.

13.) 2004-2006: (School/Hobbies) I stopped prioritizing school, haphazardly doing my readings and accumulating five incompletes. I never really chose an advisor, I stopped going to intellectual history seminars, I was unable to register for new classes in the spring of '06 and I let myself "disappear" from the department. This was horrible for my self-esteem and I felt my peers "passing me by." I also stopped drawing and painting and my singing (my greatest joy!) began to deteriorate. I had to have my tonsils out (from cocaine use), was wasting money on singing lessons that I would show up for dreadfully hung-over, and I eventually stopped taking lessons all together, instead spending all of my money on alcohol, or being too drunk or hung- over to make it to my lesson.

14.) 2004-2006: (Work) My drinking made me a lazy teacher. In the fall of 2004, I wrote most of my lectures while drunk or drinking and had to deal with the sloppy handwriting and often ill prepared notes in the classroom the next day. Also, throughout this period, I almost always showed up for class hung-over and sometimes even still drunk from the night before. A handful of times I had to call in and cancel class because I was coming down off something or because I stayed up so l knew I couldn't sober up in time. While I'm lucky that no one ever found out about this and I had no "official" consequences, I carry a deep shame about my behavior and again have suffered a lowering of my self-esteem.

15.) 2005-2006: (Health) My drinking led to an utter disregard for my health. I regained the 50 pounds I had lost in 2004, and put on an additional 14. I completely stopped taking my insulin medication, I ended up with HPV (with pre-cancerous cervical changes) and had to have several procedures, ignoring instructions not to have sex in the weeks to follow, and I ended up having unprotected sex with led to a pregnancy and abortion (which I also did not follow up properly). Later, I found out that I had also done damage to my liver based on blood tests taken from the Fall of 2004 to the present. Also, I frequently woke up with mysterious bruises. Some of them I didn't worry about (on my legs or on my stomach or my arms), but others were a cause for greater concern--on my face or on my neck. I knew that these things were sexually related, but because of the blackouts, I had no way of knowing what had happened to me.

So, that's it...

I REALLY, REALLY want to be free.
I REALLY, REALLY want to get well.

I think (I think!) that I'm beginning to become "as willing to listen as the dying can be."

-h-

My Neighbor Dreams...

On Saturday night NDN had a dream that he was the King of Portugal, but that it was not all it was cracked up to be. It involved a lot of complicated planning for a catered banquet. He also wanted me to report that he felt up Matt, the doorman, last night and that he made a cab driver feel awkward.

As for me, I'm one class down and one to go on this, my first day. I was running late this morning and forgot to take my medications. It's aggravating me, but oh well...

Last night I tried a new Ben & Jerry's flavor-- New York Super Fudge Chunk. It was great. I'm becoming a junkie.

And as for all things Narc, I'm ready to bid them adieu. As Michael Jackson once sang, "[He's] out of my life..."

later...

-h-

Finished Business

Now... where was I? Ah yes-- Sunday night when I didn't know where Brick was and I decided to call his sister.

Brick's sister told me that they had been back in the city from 5:00 pm onwards. I was really upset. What reason could Brick possibly have for not returning my calls or keeping our plans? Shortly after I hung up with his sister, my phone rang. It was Brick at last. He told me that he was on a date at OlderMan's apartment, a guy he's been seeing for a few weeks. I was furious for having been blown off and because I had been so worried. I told Brick that I was upset. He offered a quick apology with some excuse about having been in a rush and going to the gym. Then I hung up on him. He called and texted me once after that, but I ignored his attempts to contact me. I was scowling and fuming and needed time to cool off. I went to bed that night angry at the world. The only thing that offered any consolation? 24 won the Emmy for best drama and best directing, and Kiefer won for best actor!!! Hurrah!

On Monday morning, Brick called again but I didn't answer the phone. Finally, in the late afternoon (and after I had been to therapy) we spoke and argued. It was a bitter conversation that left me in tears and I was "Shh-ed" by a man on the bus. That night I met Meema in midtown for an 11th step meditation meeting held by my home group. I really liked the meeting and it cleared up most of my negative energy surrounding the whole ordeal with Brick.

So that was last night... As I was walking home from the meeting, I passed a toy store with a giant stuffed penguin in the window. I took a picture of it and sent it to Narc.

I think it was made for you, I wrote.

I wasn't even sure that he was in town, as he said he was leaving for Ireland. And I knew I shouldn't be texting him, for my own peace of mind, but I did it on an impulse.

He wrote back right away: Cute! Where is he?

I texted him the address. How was Ireland? I asked. Did you go?

Just back in last night. Many pints, though no Bono sightings, alas. Good fun all the same. Uploading photos now.

He is starting to write to me in his affected "public" tone. (No more "ugh... dying!") We texted back and forth, and I said that I would go check the pictures out on his blog.

When I got home, I sat down in front of the computer and went to his site. There were no photos of Ireland (he has since updated) but there were photos from his trip to Miami with PopStarChick, accompanied by a post proclaiming that he is in love.

And yes, as she's certainly the first love interest I've had since starting this site, ordinarily, we might feel obliged to tag her with the oh-so-impressive moniker "Girlfriend 6.0". But--BUT, you see--as chances are I'm going to marry this one, I do believe, then, that at long last we can finally do away with the counting, and move on to, oh, I don't know, simply The One (or some such thing). Darling. Beloved. Angel. Or perhaps even just: (Her name).

Well, you guys can imagine my reaction to that. I don't think I need to say more... He has since put up a post that says she left for her trip to Russia on Saturday and he left for Ireland on Monday. That means when he called me on the Saturday that Sarah was here visiting, it was the same day as she left. When I saw him the following day, it was the only day he was here in NY alone.

I felt strangely like a robot last night... a robot developing an ulcer. I spoke to B on the phone for a while and then Anxious, but I couldn't feel anything in my heart... only knives in my stomach. Then Brick called, and as we had reconciled, he asked if I wanted to meet him to get a bite to eat.

Brick and I met downtown on St. Mark's. I was in my blue hooded sweatshirt and chain smoking. We went to the 24 hour diner where Hammer and I used to always eat after German. The food was good. Brick wanted me to come over to his apartment and help him hang pictures, but I pointed out that it was after midnight. Besides, I wanted to go home and just bury myself in my own bed and hope to die.

When I got back to my place, I instead got caught up in a long conversation with the doorman and stood there talking to him for nearly 2 hours! By the time I got into bed, it was after 3:00 and I couldn't sleep until after 5:00. It was misery.

This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes and my throat. I took a shower and headed over to Brick's to help him hang pictures, as promised. Then I came to my office to run off syllabi and readings. Tomorrow is my first day back to teaching. I was dreading it and had a lot of anxiety about beginning again, but being here in my office is making me feel better... purposeful... more like myself.

I don't know what to say or think about Narc anymore. Why would he direct me to read that entry? His blog is never representative of the truth. I know that because I've seen his reality in the past and then read what he has written. But it doesn't matter anymore at this point. I'm sick of being in pain.

This time, it really is finished. Narc and I are finished business.

This time, he's out of my life in any way that counts.

But it fucking hurts like hell.

-h-

Unfinished Business...

Okay... I started writing this post earlier and then got interrupted with a phone call and then ended up going downtown to see Brick. Then, on my way home, I stopped and spent two hours talking to Matt, the doorman. So, now I'm home again and in an entirely different mood, and this post gets cut off midway, but I decided to post it "as is" and to finish the story later...

(PS: It's nearly 3:00 am already!)

-h-

I am in a lot of pain right now. It really, really hurts. I feel like things are different between me and Brick. They just are. And Narc is back from Ireland. And he updated his blog. I feel like there are knives in my stomach. It's too painful for me to say anymore on that right now... I might die.

Speaking of Narc, did I ever give you all the update on that? Did I finish the story? I guess not...

Well, here's what happened.

When I got to his house last Sunday he opened the door and greeted me casually. The room was full of lit votive candles-- at least 50 of them.

"The apartment looks great," I said.

I felt awkward though. I noticed he had a giant rug standing in the corner.

"Did you get a new carpet?"

"That's been standing there for months," he laughed. "I haven't had anyone to help me roll it out and move the furniture."

"I'll help you!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

Before we got started, I placed an order for some Chinese food. While we were moving an end table, I knocked over one of his glass chess pieces. I felt terrible. I started crawling around on the floor on my hands and looking for the fragments. I was so uneasy! Finally, I found them and he tried to krazy-glue it together. Some of the glue dried in an unseemly way and I spent the next 20 minutes rubbing at it with my thumbnail until my thumb was bleeding and the piece was polished.

The next thing I knew, I was holding up his couch while Narc ran around the room with a tape measure trying to get the carpet perfectly centered. We really weren't talking about much, given that we hadn't seen each other in a whole month. This whole thing took a very long time, and my food arrived in the meanwhile. I was hungry, but Narc said I had to wait to eat. Finally the carpet was centered and we replaced all the furniture. Then I sat down at his table (perch-level) to enjoy my dinner. He came and sat across from me and lit a candle. At first, neither of us said anything.

"Um... so... How's life?" I asked.

He started to go on about how all of his friends aren't around to hang out with him. James just had another baby, CouchSleeper was in Ireland and PopStarChick (his new girlfriend) was in Russia.

"She's there for three weeks," he said, "so I may go visit CouchSleeper. What am I supposed to do? Sit around here and twiddle my thumbs?"

"Why is she away for so long?" I asked.

"She's getting a new visa. But this will be good. This way we can travel anywhere we want to..."

I felt awful during this conversation and began to wonder why I was even there.

You should leave. You should leave, Hyde!

After I had finished eating, we moved onto the couch. We sat on opposite ends and I hugged a pillow to my lap. The movie was horrible. It was borderline unwatchable. I started to doze off. At one point, my arm brushed against his and he moved away. Then I fell asleep again. I felt him looking at me. He touched my hair. It was strange. I shifted and he moved away. I opened my eyes. We made some mundane conversation about the movie.

After the movie ended, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I yawned provocatively to see whether he would usher me out or invite me to stay. He did neither. Instead, he put on Entourage. I stayed and watched, but felt sicker and sicker in the pit of my stomach. Before the show ended, I started to put on my shoes. I had to get out of there.

Narc got up and walked me to the door. He opened it and held it for me. I reached around his neck to give him a hug. He brushed my cheek with a kiss.

"Um... take care. Get home safe!" he said.

"Yeah, good night..."

I've never left his house at night like that... not unless I was drunk and kicked out in the course of a fight.

I felt queasy about all the ambiguity of our encounter and I wanted things to be okay, so I sent him a text:

It was nice to finally see you again. Good night! :)

He answered:

Sweet dreams! Say Hi to Roch.

It was unlike him. I felt strange.

As I exited onto the street, I called Brick. He was having a difficult night and wanted to get together. I arranged to pick him up in the taxi on my way back from Narc's. When he came down to the curb, he had Lucy with him.

"I'm not taking that dog!" the cab driver called as Brick climbed into the car.

"You have to take us!" Brick snapped. "She's a therapy dog! You have to take us or else it's discrimination!"

Brick was in a bad mood and I wasn't about to laugh or argue. Neither was the cab driver. He took us home.

The rest of the week for me was up and down. On Monday (a week ago) I finally saw B again. That was great! We had lunch and then just talked and talked. Oh, and we took a nap.

By the week's end, though, I was starting to feel depressed. Brick left for a wedding in Rhode Island on Thursday. On Friday I had lunch with my sister and then met B. We went to see Talladega Nights, which I found very funny. Afterwards I went to an AA meeting by myself. I didn't really like it, so afterwards I got some bubble tea. Then I came home.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. Like I told you guys-- I was up half the night obsessing about Narc. On Saturday I suffered from full blown depression. I hardly got out of bed and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was miserable. I spoke to Brick intermittently throughout the day, though, as he was having some family issues. By midnight or so, I was going stir crazy. I put on beautiful glittering eyeshadow and headed over to Cheers.

I brought my journal and sat in the back. I wanted to scream and to put my fist through the wall. I wanted to punch myself in the face until my eyes and lips were swollen and bruised. But I didn't. I sat in the corner and wrote. And I drank a lot of diet coke. The guy who always sings the "thong song" was there with his wife. They are moving to North Carolina. Guess that's the end of him...

The next morning, I met B for brunch at a Filipino place on First Avenue. Afterwards we walked around in the East Village and then headed to Times Square to go to a music store. B needed to buy a metronome. While we were there, I made an amazing discovery-- a full recording of Verdi's Rigoletto with all the voice parts except for the soprano! Rigoletto was my first favorite opera. Of course, I had to buy this little miracle of a recording. I was delighted. I didn't even mind getting drenched to the bone in the rain without an umbrella!

When I got home, I sang for hours. But afterwards, I didn't have anything specific planned and I started to sink back into my depression. I was waiting for Brick to call. He said that he would be back in the city around 1:00 or 2:00 and that he would call me when he arrived to figure out a plan to meet up that night. I told him that I would keep my schedule free after 4:00. Brick never called, though. I texted him at 5:00. Then I called him at 6:00. I told him that I was waiting to hear from him and I wasn't sure if I should get dinner on my own or if I should wait until we would meet up. I didn't hear from him.

Three hours passed. I was feeling depressed and sad and rejected and stuck. I texted Brick again: Where are you???

Nothing.

Then I called and left him another message. I was really getting worried. I started to fear that something bad had happened to him. After all, what possible reason could there be for him to have disappeared for so many hours? Once that terrible thought was in my head, I couldn't get rid of it. I decided to call his sister. I felt really stupid doing it, as I don't know her well, but I...

Phish Food

Something is seriously wrong with my brain and I don't know what it is. I'm not feeling right today. I just ran out to the deli and bought a pint of Phish Food. A spoonful helped, but I still feel crazy. I really want to drink... not just have a drink, but I want to go out and get a little wild. But I won't.

I've been in bed all day today. I watched Crash on TV and last night I watched Match Point. I couldn't sleep last night at all. I lay in bed composing Christmas cards to Narc, figuring that by then I'll allow myself to write him something nice... I'm obsessing. And I'm losing my fucking mind.

Anyway, I never finished writing about last weekend. At that noontime AA meeting, Brick passed out. He was standing next to me against the back wall and the next thing I knew, he had crumpled onto the floor. His eyes rolled back and I screamed his name. They had to stop the meeting. The speaker asked if there was a "doctor in the house."

"Call 911!" someone else shouted.

I ended up riding to the emergency room with him in the ambulance. Some other guy from the meeting came with us. I thought that guy was annoying, but Brick knows him from the meetings. Anyway, Brick checked out okay and so we went for lunch after that. Then I took Brick home. He wanted to take a nap. I wanted to leave, but he asked me to stick around. He made plans for a date that night before nodding off to sleep. So I lay next to him in the bed for an hour before I decided to head back home. Before I left I sent him a text:

Went home to shower, etc. Took your brown converse sneakers. Call me if you need me/ to check in. Love you!

Back at my place, Narc and I were in touch over text. He asked if I wanted to come down and watch Lady in the Water. I told him that I could come after 8:00. I didn't end up getting down there until it was closer to 9:00. In the meanwhile, Brick had woken up and called me. He told me that he cancelled his date and wanted to hang out. He was upset when he heard that I was going to Narc's.

"I'll call you when I'm out of there," I promised.

I felt strange approaching Narc's building. There was a new doorman.

You know what... I'm not up for writing this story right now. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I need to get away from the computer all of a sudden.

I'll be back later...

-h-

Never a Dull Moment!

Wow... Shorty is right-- It really has been a while since I've written! I've had a really busy week with (as usual) a fair amount of drama. (As my mom likes to say: "NEVER A DULL MOMENT WITH MY MIDDLE DAUGHTER!") I don't have the energy to do it all now, but before it gets too overwhelming, I better write at least half!

On Friday afternoon I went out to Forest Hills to stay with my sister while she recovered from her surgery. I cooked her pasta and then climbed into bed with her to watch a few episodes of Sex in the City. One of the episodes that we saw caused my heart to leap up into my throat. It's strange... Hammer had already mentioned this episode to me a few weeks ago. She says that Narc always reminds her of "Mr. Big." And there it was-- the episode when Mr. Big needs surgery to "unblock" his heart. If any of you have ever seen the episode, you will know exactly what I mean when I say that his behavior was "Narc-like."

After I left my sister's, I went to sleep over at my mom's place. She was exhausted and stressed out because my stepfather has a kidney stone and they were in the emergency room the night before. So, both my sister and my stepfather are doped up on Vicodin! Anyway, we got to the house pretty late, so I just went to bed.

The next morning, Brick and I had plans to meet another girl, Aking, from our outpatient program and go to a "sober picnic" in Queens. I woke up early to chit chat with my mom before she left to get her hair cut. When I finally spoke to Brick, he cancelled on me. My stepfather woke up and was in a foul mood due to the pain. He got my stepbrother into the wheelchair and wheeled him into the dining room while I fixed breakfast. Then I sat down at the table, trying to entertain my stepbrother with some idle conversation while he ate.

I mentioned that the new semester would be starting soon and that it was nearly time for me to go back to school. For some reason, that peaked my stepfather's interest and he started to grumble at me from across the table about how I needed to "toughen up" and learn to take care of myself.

"You gotta wipe your own ass," he said. "No one else is going to do it for you!"

The conversation took another turn, which I'd rather not discuss, but try as I might, I couldn't hold back the tears. I know it wasn't his intention to make me cry, and as soon as my eyes began to swell over, he started to cry too! (If you know my stepfather, you know how strange an event that was!) My stepbrother sat between the two of us, not understanding why everyone was crying. I felt like I was living in a looney bin. I got up and went into the bathroom, trying to calm myself before coming back to the table. When I emerged, my stepfather had come to look for me. He gave me a huge hug and a kiss and told me that he never meant to criticize or hurt my feelings, but that he just doesn't know how to speak so "diplomatically." I was still shaken up, but his apology was so heartfelt, that it made me feel good.

Anyway, at about noon, I set off to pick up Aking from the train station. We got a little lost, but we managed to find our way without too much trouble. I have to say-- the picnic was not what I expected. It was a much smaller group and there weren't many activities, as advertised. Even so, we found another friend from our outpatient program and settled in for some burgers and conversation. I didn't know anyone else there, although Aking knew a lot of people from her inpatient rehab. I felt a little out of place. I didn't have much in common with these people (aside from addiction) and while that's enough to bond us together in meetings, it's not necessarily enough to create easy and comfortable socializing.

At some point, Aking asked if anyone wanted to go for a walk. I volunteered to go with her, and I'm glad I did. It gave us a chance to talk and to really get to know each other a lot better. She is an artist and a historian. I was fascinated by parts of her story, and as she is staying with her mom in Manhattan, I'm sure I'll have the chance to spend more time with her.

We left the picnic at around 4:00 and took the train back to the city. I had plans to go hear BarMan play at Cheers. I also had plans to meet a very special visitor-- Sarah! (An ever loyal fan of my blog and frequent commenter!)

Sarah was here in NY visiting her roommate's sister, and would be in town only through Monday, so we arranged for her to meet me and Brick at Cheers. It was great to finally meet her in person and we hit it off immediately! We stayed at Cheers for some time, until BarMan had finished his set and then headed for the Townhouse, with a brief pit-stop at my apartment.

While we were at my apartment (more specifically-- while I was peeing), my phone rang. It was Narc! My stomach turned with excitement and surprise. I yelped from behind the bathroom door, asking Sarah and Brick what to do. When I didn't hear an immediate answer, I picked up.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hey!" He sounded surprised.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing... Just writing, you know... And thought I might take a break."

"That's good. Did you meet your deadline?"

"No. But I sent the other script instead."

"That's good."

There was an awkward pause.

"Anyway," he went on, "I was down at Canal Street today and I picked up a copy of the much maligned Lady in the Water. I can't make any promises about the quality, but I'm about to pop it in, and as long as I'm taking a break, I thought you might come on down and watch it with me."

"Oh... I can't tonight, Narc," I sighed. "I have company. I mean, I have plans."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. One of my blog readers is here all the way from Kentucky and Brick and I are hanging out with her tonight."

From there the conversation turned to blogging in general, a particular blog he likes, and then back to how he was feeling malaise that evening.

"So I can't come and watch with you," I told him. "But I can maybe come tomorrow..."

"I don't know, Hyde. I think I may have to watch this tonight."

"Oh, c'mon, Narc! You can wait for me just one night! We've been talking about that movie forever! Please, oh please, oh PLEASE!"

"Alright, I'll see what I can do," he laughed.

"So, we'll check in tomorrow..."

When I hung up the phone, I was elated. Brick rolled his eyes. Sarah said she understood. Brick told her "not to encourage me."

But like I said-- from there it was on to the Townhouse where I sang a few songs, while Sarah, Brick and I bonded. Then we went over to Oscar Wilde's where, much to my dismay, the pool table has been replaced with extra seating! Smoking in the garden in the back of Oscar Wilde's, I scared away an aggressive potential suitor for Brick. Later, Brick gave a dollar to the stripper, but Sarah and I steered clear of that. Finally, we headed back to Cheers. On the way there we stopped over at Opal where I got to meet Sarah's roommate and her sister.

I had so much fun at Cheers. There were a lot of characters there for Sarah to see-- IrishBird and BarMan, of course. Also, ThursdayGirl, the Bouncer, PumpedUp, FightingMensch (and his little brother), Duff, Manwich, PreppyGirl, CaliGirl, the Smolderer, one of the Colombians, and KHill! Yes... KHill was back! I haven't seen him in ages and my crush on him is as fierce as ever. I have to say, I was a lot less bold about it in my sobriety, though! I did a few songs at karaoke. And Sarah even got up and sang a little Pat Benetar.

We hung out at Cheers until around 2:30 or so when I got a text from NDN wondering if I were still awake. I told him I was at Cheers and he suddenly materialized.

"I've got big news," he said. "I finally got laid!"

We all gave him big hugs for ending his six month dry spell before heading back to my apartment.

Even though Brick and I had popped caffeine pills and drank a hundred diet cokes, Brick went to bed first. After giving us the details of his conquest, NDN headed home as well. Sarah and I stayed up talking for a while and I showed her a lot of pictures. I think it must have been around 4:30 am by the time we got to sleep.

The next morning, I couldn't decide what to wear. I don't know why, but I was just having one of those days when I didn't want to wear anything in my closet. My hair had been straightened the night before, but started to curl up from the humidity and then I slept on it. So, it was sort of a disaster. Brick wanted to get back to his place to walk Lucy before going to a noontime meeting, and didn't want to wait for me to iron my hair.

"Why don't you just wear a wig?" he suggested.

So Sarah and Brick watched as I modeled my bob cut brunette wig with several different outfits. Suddenly, "lazy Sunday" seemed like quite the production! Brick rummaged through my jewelry and found a couple of snake rings and an old vampire ring he wanted to wear himself. He's going to go for a darker "rocker" look for the fall. Once our outfits were complete, we all three headed out. I gave Sarah a hug goodbye at the corner and we promised to keep in touch. Then Brick and I set off for Chelsea.

Walking Lucy wasn't a problem except that the flats I had on were starting to rub on my feet. I had never worn them before and could feel the blisters coming. We stopped somewhere on Seventh Avenue for brunch and then Brick took Lucy home while I headed to the meeting to wait for him. By the time Brick met me there, there were hardly any seats available. We had to take two standing spaces in the back of the room behind the cookies and coffee.

...To be continued....

A sneak preview of what's to come: A trip to the emergency room and a very strange visit with Narc. (Ugh!)

love,

h

Comings and Goings

Here's a brief update (because I'm too tired to write more):

- The fly paper is up and although it's disgusting, it's catching flies. There are little fly suicides happening all the time, and I don't have to actually squash anything. (Although, as Hammer and I laughed about last night, I am a "collaborator." Just when you thought the Holocaust metaphors had come to an end...)

-Yesterday morning I got to qualify at the AA meeting at my out-patient place. I have to say-- I did a great job and everyone told me so. It was incredibly meaningful to me to have people relate to me like that. Normally I feel so disconnected. It was strange to realize that I don't have to be that way.

-Yesterday during group I was daydreaming and I had a sexual fantasy about someone other than Narc. (It's only worth noting because it's the first time that's happened in a really, REALLY long time!!!)

- Last night I had a lovely dinner with Hammer who was working on a very interesting paper that may lead to a dissertation topic for her.

-Last night Brick and Lucy slept in my bed. (Poor Mr. Rochester was exiled to the living room!)

-I went to a CoDA meeting this morning. Interesting... I have a lot more to say about this, but I want to think it through first.

- I met with my sponsor today after my home group meeting and I felt a little more comfortable with her... It takes me a long time, but I'm working hard at warming up.

- Tomorrow afternoon I'm going out to see BigSis. She has to have a minor surgery and needs someone to stay with her for the afternoon. Bro-in-Law has tickets to the Mets game and will be away from her bedside for a few hours.

And that's about it for the moment. I need to do the laundry and I don't know when I'm going to have time to do it. I plan to sleep over at my mom's house tomorrow night. On Saturday I may (or may not) go to a "sober" picnic with some people from my out-patient program. And on Sunday? I get to see B again! Yay!!!

I'm tired. It's been an emotionally exhausting week. Mentally and spiritually, I'm trying so hard to let go of Narc, but something in me is still clutching so tightly. Like I said-- it's exhausting.

-h-

God Damn It!

God damn it!

Why is it so hard to feel good for longer than the span of a few minutes?

And why do I miss him so fucking much?

I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.

-h-

My White Whale

Getting through the day has been difficult lately because I've been pretty depressed. I saw the psychiatrist today and he upped my meds and prescribed me a new sleeping pill. I think that a huge piece of it is that I never have enough sleep. I can't even imagine what it feels like!

There are a lot of flies in my house. It's gross. And insects have always been my white whale! I'm terrified of them and they make me incredibly squeamish.

A few weeks ago I left the window open and three flies came in. I shut the windows after that, figuring they would live out their lives and die. And besides, I had the AC up and running again. Instead, they seemed to have bred. There are so many of them now that it's driving me nuts! The logical thing to do would be to kill them, but I can't. You see... I literally can't hurt a fly. It's not that I stand on principle or anything like that... It's just that I am insanely squeamish around insects and can't stand the idea of a squashed fly or a fly corpse to clean up. I tried spraying them with lysol but it didn't work. B is usually my fly-swatter, but as you know, he's been away. I spoke to him on the phone this morning and he assured me that when I see him on Sunday all I have to do is provide him with a fly swatter and he will take care of the whole thing for me. I hope so, because it's making me mad!

In other news, I'm feeling good about my decision to give Lucy up to Brick. I never really wanted a dog to begin with and I only adopted her as I was swept up in the moment. I need to be a little bit better about staying in touch with myself and with what I want in my life. It's a skill I haven't had much practice with. Even so, having given her away, I sank into an even deeper depression. I just feel like a failure in so many ways, and I know that this is all about Narc. I can't stand that he is with someone else. I think about him all the time and I still love him very much. Yesterday I wrote to him to tell him that I gave Lucy away. Then, I wrote him a very strange text in the middle of the night that I don't remember sending. How about that? A sober blackout!

It's Dean & his easy money making scheme on tv... Ha! I wrote, at 3:45 am.

He wrote back just after 10:00 this morning: Don LaPre? Still going?

I answered: Um, yeah...Unless I dreamed it. Don't really remember texting you. Strange...

Anyway, on my way to meet Brick after the psychiatrist, I was stopped on the street by some guy trying to raise money for the DNC. I gave him $10 and we started to talk. It turns out that he's a graduate student in history too, studying American history, focusing on the Christian Left in the early 20th century. I told him that B is working on a dissertation in liberation theology and I told him about some of my interests. It wasn't a particularly important encounter except that it made me feel more grounded in myself and more sure about my decision not to keep Lucy, if that makes any sense. I feel like I've been living for so long bending to what I think Narc wants that I've lost a big piece of myself-- the piece that knows what I want. It's a very strange experience to be slowly discovering all that again.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm just back from an AA meeting and tired. I'm going to go throw something together for dinner in my fly infested kitchen. I can't WAIT for B to come back and help rid me of these little pests! You would think Mr. Rochester would do his share, but apparently, he's above fly swatting.

Later...

-h-

I take it back...

I take it all back... I'm giving the dog to Brick. And I'm pissed off right now...

-h-

Something Drastic

Drastic things are happening... First my tattoo and then, get this-- I got a dog!

Brick and I co-adopted an 8 month old from the pound. Her name is Lucy. She is a mix of a bunch of things... hard to tell... but she's probably got some lab and some German shepherd in there. That was on Friday. After we got back from the pound, Mr. Rochester and Lucy weren't getting along all that well. Mr. Rochester was scared of Lucy and Brick was scared of Mr. Rochester. Everyone was running around the house and all of us were yelping. We decided it would be best to continue the "socialization" project later. Brick took Lucy with him on a date and I met Dan over at Keats.

The next morning, Brick stopped by with Lucy and shared a cab with me and NDN over to Penn Station. NDN and I were headed to his grandfather's house in East Hampton.

It was a fabulous weekend. When we arrived we had crab cake sandwiches for lunch. Then, at a local shop, we ate the most amazing donuts I've even encountered and afterwards we stocked up for the weekend at the supermarket. We spent Saturday afternoon at the bay (after an annoying incident with the taxi company that brought us there), dodging jelly fish, collecting rocks, reading, and watching the sunset. We went for a "long walk on the beach" and when I had to pee, I did so right there, as there were no bathrooms in the near vicinity.

That night NDN cooked us up a feast-- linguini with butter/garlic/pesto/clam sauce tossed with shrimp and scallops and garlic bread. Yum! It was a heavy meal, though. We stayed up talking for a while before crashing to bed.

The next morning, we sat outside waiting for the cab to take us to the ocean-side beach when NDN decided to make me feel "awkward." I was sitting in a beach chair in the driveway and he came and stood above me, straddling me with his crotch in my face.

"Does that make you feel awkward?" he asked, with a grin.

"No. Does that make you feel awkward?" I asked, giving his bathing suit a little tug.

"No!"

It was on-- an old fashioned game of chicken. Before we knew it, off came the shorts, and I was blessed with a very close encounter with NDN's penis. Umm... Maybe that made us both feel a little awkward.

Despite the morning's antics, we had a lovely day on the beach. Mid-day, though, Narc texted me, asking "what's up?"

I did something drastic... I wrote.

N: Oh?

H: I got a dog!

N: Aww! Nice! Thought you were going to say you got married to a fan of your blog or what not...!

H: Ha ha! That would indeed have been drastic! I'm still in E Hampton & the dog is home w Brick, but tonight I'm gonna try to socialize her w/ Mr. R. Wish me luck!

N: Sure she'll get along with Roch just fine.

H: Hope so! You'll have to come meet her soon. Hope you're enjoying the sunshine today! :)

NDN and I stayed at the beach until just after 5:00. Then we packed up, made some sandwiches, and were on our way to the train. While we were waiting for the train to pick us up, I got a call from Brick. He said he wanted to keep Lucy all for himself. I wasn't too thrilled with that idea. A few minutes later, he called back and told me that he was just nervous about sharing her, as he had already grown so attached.

NDN slept for most of the way home (on my shoulder, might I add!). I listened to my iPod and sank into my own thoughts. I did some work that my sponsor gave me, but I mostly just stared out the window and thought about Narc. He must have been thinking of me too, because once again, he sent me a text:

By the way, while you've been off in the Hamptons you've been missing the "Idol" auditions over in Jersey!! Still have tomorrow though, if you want to try...

I wrote back: Was under the impression they started tomorrow... Friend of mine is going. Was seriously considering it but in the end, it's not my scene. On train now...

And then, I just couldn't leave well enough alone. I wrote again...

PS: I miss you. Haven't seen you in over a month!

His reply?: We'll get together at some point.

H: Hope so...

I sat there silently after that, my heart in my throat. Then I wrote again:

Did you meet your deadline? It's tomorrow, right...?

He never answered.

Anyway, when we got back to the city, Brick met us at Penn Station. We walked to his place and picked up Lucy. Then NDN said his goodbyes and Brick and I took Lucy to the Madison Square Park dog run.

That night, we tried, once again, to introduce Lucy to Mr. Rochester. It didn't go terribly, but it also didn't go brilliantly. There was a lot of hissing involved and Mr. Rochester appeared to be scared out of his mind.

Normally, when Brick and I sleep together, I leave Rochester in the living room, as Brick is afraid of him. But if we were going to allow Lucy in the bedroom, I felt bad leaving Rochester outside. So, we left the door open. A minute or so after Brick fell asleep, I saw Rochester approaching. He was hesitantly sniffing around, as Lucy was also asleep, curled at the foot of the bed. Rochester looked as if he might climb onto the bed to investigate. I nudged Brick to let him know. Brick woke up and leapt into an upright position. He was convinced Rochester would attack either him or Lucy. I tried to reassure him and tell him that he was being ridiculous, but he wouldn't be swayed.

"Either Rochester goes or I go," he said.

"Then go," I told him. "I won't let Lucy stay here and keep Rochester out."

"Fine."

He got up and got dressed. I was upset, but there wasn't much I could do. He left.

I was a little worried about being left alone with the two feuding animals, but in the end, it worked out. Lucy fell asleep. Rochester crept around and investigated some more, and then he went and hid under the bed to sleep.

This morning, I took Lucy for a walk and then called B. He is finally coming back from the Philippines on Thursday! After that, I showered and dressed and took Lucy with me to a therapy appointment. Then I ate a hot dog and a pretzel in the park and took her back to the dog run.

Now I'm back home, and Rochester is apparently still hiding out somewhere. I have to leave the house again for another therapy later and a meeting, but I'm scared to leave the two of them alone together.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. But a new dog and a new tattoo in one week... pretty drastic, right? If only I weren't so terribly heartbroken. Things might actually be falling into place...

-h-

When All Else Fails...

When all else fails... Get a new tattoo!

That's exactly what I did. There's nothing like pain laden with symbolism to ease the mind. (It's almost as good as pain laden with sex... or sex laden with pain. Whatever... You know what I mean...)

Anyway, I'm psyched and hyper. It all but made me forget about my anger at Narc and my fight with Brick earlier this evening. I got the tattoo on an impulse. Hammer came with me.

After a few episodes of Sex in the City at Hammer's, I stopped off at Cheers on the way home and showed it to PumpedUp and IrishBird. PumpedUp is quite impressed at my recent accomplishments in terms of my sobriety. I also showed him my "three month" AA coin.

Anyway, my new tattoo is on the back of my neck. It says "Jerusalem" in Armenian, in honor of my dad.

Here's what it looks like:

I'm trying not to think of my anger. I'm trying to "accept the things I can not change." It's hard though. Fucking hard. But, have a good night, everyone!

h

Truly bizarre (a side note)

This is all too bizarre for me to take. As if what I told you in my previous post wasn't bad enough, this afternoon I received the following email from Narc:

Yo! (Hyde's last name)! Was just reading through a few things, thought you'd find all of the following quite fascinating... Recently became acquainted with a woman (Gabriele) who is a practitioner of EFT, or "Emotional Freedom Technique". Seems to be a hyper-distillation of the Core Energetics I did with the Pathwork, albeit on a much more subtle energetic level. Check out the following:

EFT Link

http://www.emofree.com/research/rouleaux.htm

Going to take her seminar here in the city when she's back in town next week (on the 15th--welcome to come with me); in the meantime, check out the EFT manual (enclosed, also available for free on the site). Amazing stuff, to be sure (particularly when it comes to treating anxiety/depression/addictions etc-- case studies with people who've been suffering from all of the aforementioned for decades, completely cured in just a few minutes. Truly remarkable...)

-- Narc

At this point, I don't know what to say...

-h-

On a Park Bench

I've had a really rough night tonight. I didn't get out of the house all day. I never went and took that walk. And I ignored phone calls all afternoon.

I finally got up and got dressed at around 6:00 pm. I had agreed to go to a meeting with plans to meet my sponsor (Talis) for dinner afterwards. Meema called me just before the meeting and told me that she'd be there. I found her (in spite of the crowds) and we sat together. She gave me a present for my 90 days. "From your sober sister," she wrote.

Afterwards, Talis and I headed to dinner. It was the first chance I've had to have a really long talk with her. She is a lovely woman, young and very structured in her approach to "sponsorship." I think it's a good thing for me. Even so, it was hard for me to open up, and I have to be mindful of the ways I was judging her in my mind. I'm trying so hard to stay open and to overcome my narrowminded-ness at times.

Anyway, afterwards, I felt wired and I didn't want to go home. I felt unsettled-- not quite depressed, not quite anxious, but certainly not content. I talked to Brick on the phone for a few minutes and then to my mom as I walked home. Something was missing from me.

Missing, missing, missing...

And then I went to Cheers.

Why did I go to Cheers? I can't say. I just miss... miss myself. I miss my life. I miss Narc.

IrishBird was behind the bar. She kissed me hello and served me diet cokes. I was the only girl in the bar. I recognized a few others. None of the boys I know well, but a few men that were semi-regulars... I watched them watching baseball and drinking beer. The silver spouts on the bottles gleamed like sharp blades on sharp knives, slicing the air, lined up in rows. Perhaps my vision is getting worse, perhaps I was tired, or perhaps it was a trick of the mind, but the world was blurring. The bar was blurring.

I was tired.
No... I was not tired.

PumpedUp came up from below the bar and waved hello to me. IrishBird asked if I am still seeing Narc. Brick called me and was upset that I was at Cheers.

I hope u r not being complacent about ur recovery just because u have ninety days, he wrote to me.

I'm not being complacent. I'm being depressed/ testing or something. I'm fine. Just need to think tonight. Will call in a bit, I wrote back.

Brick was right, of course. But I didn't care. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, what I was doing. I don't know what I am thinking. I don't fucking know anything anymore. I left there at around 11:15 and I called Hammer.

It was good to talk to Hammer. I think that both in my (former?) obsession with Narc and my current immersion in "recovery," I often forget key pieces of myself-- the artistic/academic pieces of which Hammer always reminds me. We talked for nearly an hour before she had to go to get some sleep. She has been waking up early all summer, teaching out in Brooklyn.

When we hung up the phone, I lay back in my bed and let out a sigh. Then my phone rang. It was Narc.

Fuck.

Pick up?

No! Don't pick up! Let him leave a message.

No! Pick up!

Just--

I picked up. Of course I did.

Narc and I talked for over an hour. We just hung up a few minutes ago. I have so many mixed feelings right now that I don't know where to start. I just don't know. I feel so-- so many... I-- I just...

Hmm...

(Fuck. I hate this.)

Hmm...

I told him that I laid around and did "nothing" today. He said he did the same. His friend A is in town and the two of them went clubbing last night until nearly 4:00 am. (Flash-- you met A at Waikiki Wally's.) He said that tomorrow night he's going to a party with his new friend J-- a neighbor in his building. (I wondered if that's the girl he was with a few weeks ago when Brick bumped into him in Tribeca).

"She asked if I could get any stuff," he said. "I told her that I didn't have a dealer easy to get to right now."

It made me feel strange that he said that... that he's still doing that. I don't know how to tell you just how I feel right now, but... Anyway, he said that he was also out partying on Friday night. He went out with James.

"It was a real bender," he said.

He told me what had happened that night-- that the last thing he remembers was James leaving him in the Tavern.

"Then I woke up on a park bench," he said. "It was Saturday at around 1:00 pm. I was on the corner of Franklin and Lafayette. Can you believe it?"

"Narc! Are you kidding me? Wow..."

I thought of June, 2005, when Narc and I made out on a park bench. I wondered if it was the same one.

"Yeah. And I lost my glasses. Somehow my glasses ended up with James' doorman in the West Village. No clue about that. Weird right? I just woke up on the park bench."

"Were you sleeping upright? Or laying down?"

"Laying down. On my back. I mean, I guess it just looked like I was napping, right? Then I stumbled home... crashed out and played video games until late that night."

That's when he sent me that text to come distract him, I thought.

"Sounds like you guys has a fun night," I said. "I'm jealous. My partying days are over."

I DID feel jealous. But why? How could I be jealous when he woke up on a fucking park bench? What's wrong with me?

"Apparently so," he laughed. "So... what? You must have just hit your three months, right?"

"Yeah, I did! On Sunday... How did you know that?"

"Of course I know," he replied.

I told him that I've been going to AA.

"You don't need that," he laughed. "You've been fine on your own, right? And besides, they have all that God crap there."

"Narc, it's good, I think. I've been in so much transition, you know? So much fucking change. It's good to be around other people who have changed... are changing. And in terms of God, I can take it or leave it. I go to church all the time with B, but you don't see me claiming Christ as my personal savior, do you?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Why didn't I tell him that I believe in God? Because I'm a coward.

He told me to go sign up for some "meet-ups" instead. He doesn't want me to go to AA. I think he is scared. Narc doesn't really believe in "help."

Later we were talking about money.

"I just dropped a bundle in Miami," he said. "We hit all the best clubs, and of course, we were staying at the Ritz Carlton."

"Oh, okay."

So he took PopStarChick to the Ritz Carlton. Why was he telling me this?

"So... are you still planning on getting a job in September, Narc?"

"Yeah, I guess I have to. If I don't sell my script soon, that is."

"Are you even done writing it?"

"I have a major deadline on Monday, the 14th. There's a screenwriter's competition and I'm submitting."

"You better hurry."

"Yeah, but I have all these other obligations this week. The party with my neighbor tomorrow... and then going to hear PopStarChick's gig on Thursday."

"Hmm... So guess you don't want to hang out anytime soon..."

"No, I do. But I'll have to call you about it after Monday. Definitely we can, um... go out some time then, you know?"

I imagined him waking up on a park bench. I imagined him in his bed, my head on his chest. I imagined him opening the door. I imagined him kissing me. I wondered if he knows that I still love him. I wondered if he knows how much this hurts me.

***************************

I just took a break from writing this post because I noticed B online. It's now nearly 3:00 am. I always feel better after talking to B.

"You can't save him," he said.

"I don't even want to save him. I want to win," I replied. "But don't ever remind me that I said that, okay?"

When I started talking to B, I was in tears. I stared at the computer numbly. My cheeks were hot. And every now and then, I'd get a surge of pain in my chest, a welling of sadness that was unbearable until it passed. When I finished the conversation, I felt a strange mixture of anger and self-disgust.

"I guess stupid PopStarChick can be happy with her boyfriend who wakes up on park benches and doesn't have a job," I wrote.

"Yeah, and he can be happy with a gold-digging mediocrity."

It's not like B to put people down. I thought it was sweet he said that for me.

The bottom line is this-- if I have really lost this one... if I really give up on my Narc project, then everything I've been through with him, all of the crap I've taken from him was for NOTHING. And that makes me feel worthless and flooded with pain and anger. I could forget everything, forgive everything, as long as I was in it. If it's over, and I start to see the bigger picture, all I can ask myself is WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?

I'm really sad right now. Sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, confused. Wounded.

I don't feel like editing this post. I don't feel like checking to see what I left out of that Narc conversation or if things make sense in the order in which I wrote them. I'm just leaving it raw for now, that's all...

Fuck. I want a drink. I'm going to try to get some sleep.

-h-

Maybe I'll go for a walk...

It looks like a beautiful day outside today. I wouldn't really know, though, as I haven't left my house. Yesterday I had two therapy sessions (I'm two-timing my therapists!) and then I went to a meeting. I wanted to go out (o-o-out!) last night, but I managed to put it off. I did cross the street to get some ice cream, and I bumped into PumpedUp and BarMan.

Yesterday morning, Brick woke me up bright and early to go shopping. He needed an outfit for an important interview. We went to Bloomingdales and Barney's, but he didn't end up finding what he needed until much later in the day. He is off to the tailor this afternoon to have his pants fitted. I think he ended up with the Marc Jacobs jacket he originally wanted.

Hmm... I spoke to B for a while on the phone last night. He's still in the Philippines. And I also spoke to Liu. She and the Cowboy are coming to visit the first week in September. (Yay!) This weekend I'm heading out to the Hamptons with NDN...

I'm feeling strange today. I originally wanted to sit down and blog about some of my recent adventures and about Brick's suitor-drama, but I just don't have it in me. There is so much to do, and yet, I don't want to do anything. Maybe I'm a little depressed. I just miss feeling like myself. I am wondering when this is all going to feel any better. I wish I could swallow a handful of caffeine pills, but apparently, that's not healthy.

Maybe I need to go for a walk...

Huh? What does that mean?

Yesterday morning, I sent Narc a text.

How was your trip? I wrote.

I didn't hear back. I had a cough and a chest cold and hung out with Anxious in the late afternoon. It seems that things are becoming pretty serious between her and BulgarianGuy. (Kind of funny, considering how they met). Anyway, she just got back from six weeks in Bulgaria and was sporting his grandmother's ring (as she made sure to point out to me).

After dinner, I was planning on heading to a 10:30 pm AA meeting. As I was preparing to leave, I got a text back from Narc. It was 9:12 pm.

Dying. Come provide some distraction.

My heart started to pound and my stomach flipped over and over and over and over. That can only mean one thing, right??? My breaths grew shorter. I hate that he still does this to me. That he can do this to me. But god damn it, my feelings haven't changed! I want him and I still have a giant crush on him. I wanted to go see him. But, in an attempt to control my impulse, I volunteered to walk Anxious down to the street as we were leaving my apartment.

Skip the meeting, Hyde, and go shave your legs, I kept thinking. Just run back upstairs and shave your legs and then you can hop in a cab and go see him.

I texted NDN. I called Hammer.

"Go to your meeting, Hyde," Hammer advised. "Narc will still be there afterwards. Come on! Don't you know by now... He always is."

I leapt into a cab before I could change my mind, and headed to the meeting. I was half an hour early. I paced up and down the street. Four guys were sitting on a nearby stoop. I was coughing and my nose was running and I could hardly breathe. One of them finally approached me.

"Are you okay, miss?"

"Um, yeah..."

I felt sick. Sick, sick, sick. My stomach wouldn't stop its leaping. I held my breath. I tried to let it go. I wrote back to Narc at 10:17:

Huh? What does that mean?

Then I went into the meeting and shut off my phone. I tried to focus. I couldn't stop thinking about turning my phone back on. I shared about it in the meeting. Could it really help? I wanted to see him. At 11:35, my heart racing, I turned my phone back on-- as soon as I could. There was a response from him.

11:35 pm: Haven't seen you in a while, thought we might catch up.

Huh????

I called Brick. He agreed to meet me. I wandered aimlessly through the throngs in Times Square. I felt dizzy. I could hear my heart thudding. I started to walk downtown.

"Tell him you're busy tonight," Brick said.

It was 11:53 pm. I wrote back to Narc:

Would be nice but I have plans tonight. :( Some other time?

He answered right away: Sure thing. Give a call any time.

Okay, okay, I thought. He said "any time." That's good, right?

I couldn't leave it at that...

Ok. You too! I wrote. Would be nice to see you again. Have a good night!

Today I fixed a pair of Brick's sunglasses that had lost the pin. I used the baby screwdriver inside my matroyshka hammer (the one I bought with Narc back in March). So, I wrote Narc another text:

Finally got to fix something with my special hammer. Fabulous! :)

His reply?

Tres magnifique!

What am I doing? What does he want from me?

What the fuck?!?

90 Days

Today is my 90 days!

There was some Narc text-drama last night. I'll write that up later. Right now I'm waiting with Brick for my parents to come pick us up. My parents and sisters and the boys and Hammer and Brick are all coming to brunch with me to celebrate.

Un-fucking-believable! 90 days...

-h-

Talis

I am really tired today and a little depressed. I have a sponsor now. Her name is "Talis." She seems pretty "hard core" and has already given me some stuff to do. I'm going to have dinner with her on Tuesday and hopefully get to know her a little better...

I don't know why I feel so drained.

I still love Narc, but am starting to come to terms with things...

-h-

Miss

i miss him.

Heat Wave!

The weather is fucking ridiculous! We're going up to 104 today and with the heat index, it's more like 115! Even so, I'm in somewhat of a shockingly good mood. It's a rarity, but I'll take it!

Yesterday I didn't leave my house the entire day, mostly due to the heat and my relative weakness from the food poisoning on Monday night. I did want to make it to that meeting, though, with my new friend Meema. It was a huge meeting but as luck would have it, the air conditioner was broken. To make matters worse, Meema got tied up at work and never showed up. She left me a message, to seek out her sponsor at the end of the meeting, which I did. There were throngs of people everywhere, but Meema's sponsor managed to pass me her phone number and I agreed to call her this afternoon. I'm going to try to get back to that meeting tomorrow.

Once back home last night, I ate cold cereal and bananas in bed. I really like the new layout of my bedroom, but it's taking me a while to get used to it. I watched Capote which I had somehow missed in theaters, but couldn't fall asleep afterwards. I hate this insomnia and the pills I was prescribed to treat it are not working. I didn't end up falling asleep until around 3:00 am, even though I had been in bed from 10:45!!!

Despite the early hour, when my alarm clock went off this morning, I decided to obey. I wanted to go to the AA meeting at my outpatient place (which is once a week on Wednesday mornings) and hopefully see some of my old group members. It was nice to be back in that routine. I really need to structure myself a new routine, because without the four day a week thing, I've been somewhat depressed and flailing. I'm hoping that I will adjust to this soon, though. Anyway, I saw Senegal who greeted me with a big hug and kiss. I was sitting next to some new guy from the morning group and he kept bumping into my breast during the meeting. My breasts are not that big, so I can't imagine why that should happen, but I sincerely hope it was unintentional.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I came home right afterwards because the heat is out of control. Just five minutes outside and I was drenched in sweat. (It made me think of that dream I had about Narc back in December...a very unpleasant thought). I bought some fruit from the man on the corner and he gave me some free nectarines.

Tonight I have another group and then I'm going to a cocktail party, thrown by one of Brick's suitors. Apparently he has an AMAZING loft in Tribeca.

It's so hot outside that the streets are relatively empty. I hope everyone's staying cool!

-h-

The Stuff of Life

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I figured I'd give you all a brief update, so I don't entirely disappear.

I'm feeling much better this week than last. That phone call with Narc on Friday did me a world of good. We finally grieved together what we had between us and the fact that life has now changed. We just don't work together without alcohol and we both know it. The fact that he acknowledged something lost is enough for me... for now.

I made a friend in my new group--Meema. On Saturday night I went to a meeting with her. She invited me to go with her to her home group tonight and so I agreed. I think it's good for me to have someone more "neutral" than Brick to get me to meetings...

I had a pretty good weekend. On Thursday night I saw TT. (No romance there, but I think he's still hoping...) On Friday I went to my first new "relapse prevention" group which seems okay. Brick bumped into my sister that day in Madison Square Park. Later on in the day I had therapy. That night, I went to Chinatown with NDN for dinner. He looked fabulous and it was a lot of fun. At around midnight, Brick came over (he had been out picking up his sister's car and then getting her from the airport in NJ) and we stayed up talking. He had a lot on his mind. I feel like after last week's quarrels, Brick and I are back to normal and communicating better.

On Saturday morning, I left Brick at my house because I had to go to the hospital. My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have one breast removed. She is doing well, except that they found what may be lymphoma, and I really don't want to think about that right now. My mom was there at the hospital, and after that we went out for lunch. She bought me a new bag-- a beautiful brown leather purse! She also gave me a book about the first year of sobriety. I've been reading it, and have thus far found it very helpful. From there I headed home to "mosey" before heading to the meeting with Meema.

When I got out of the meeting, Meema and I went to a diner. Then I had a message from Brick to meet him at a party on the Upper East Side with MMJr. There was a lot of drama that ensued, but I'll save that story for another day. Brick and I didn't get to bed that night until after 3:00 or 4:00.

On Sunday we headed to my parents place on Long Island to lay around by the pool. I hadn't seen my stepbrother in quite some time. BigSis, Bro-in-Law, JBC, my grandpa, Bro-in-Law's parents and my parents were all there. It was a relaxing afternoon, and my stepfather barbecued, but it was very hot out.

That night, after we arrived back in the city, Brick headed off for a date, while I came back home. Unfortunately, his date didn't show up (later explaining that he had "fallen asleep") and so Brick came back up to my place. I fell asleep early, but Brick came into my bedroom, waking me with the "Good Morning, Dorothy" song at 2:00 am. (Dorothy is not my name, mind you, but he likes to sing that song to me). Anyway, wrested from my slumber, we once again stayed up late talking.

Brick had some bad dreams in the night, and woke me up to tell me about them. The next day, Monday, I woke up thinking of Narc. My neck was stiff. Sometimes, when I sleep with him, my neck gets stiff, as he's barrel shaped, and I try to sleep on his chest. Yesterday I woke up and cried. But Brick held my hand, and I stopped the tears. "Move a muscle, change a thought," as they say. I decided to make some major changes in my house.

Brick and I set to work. We tore down the Christmas lights, arranged and rearranged paintings, cleaned, and got my broken air conditioner fixed. In the meantime, Brick got some really wonderful news. He has an interview with the talent coordinator for a major cable channel about possibly getting a job "on-air." I'm very psyched for him!!! We parted ways in the afternoon because I had to go to therapy. It was a very interesting session for me, but too personal to write about here.

When I got home, I still had the "moving" bug in me. I rearranged my entire bedroom, lugging the bed and heavy bookshelves across the room all by myself. It looks so much bigger and lighter now. And I'm proud, looking at it, that I accomplished something nice. It's a new room for a new me.

Last night I had plans to meet Dan for dinner. He came over at around 8:45 and finally got to meet Brick, who was busy cooking some chicken. I showed him the changes in my apartment and then we set off to eat at a local Turkish restaurant that neither of us had tried before.

The restaurant was beautiful and it was really nice to see Dan again. I've hardly seen him this summer and he hasn't been blogging. It's strange to know everything that is happening in someone's life, and then to suddenly know very little and have to hear about it "the old fashioned way"-- in person! Dan and I really bonded last summer, but both of our lives have changed so dramatically since then. For some reason, when I see him, because I associate him so strongly with last summer and everything that I was going through then, I really feel it.

After dinner we walked back to my place to hang out and chat. Brick had gone up to see MMJr. and wasn't planning on returning until around 11:30. It was a nice time. I always enjoy chatting with Dan. He's been pretty busy this summer, but I told him, I still want to try to get in another Circle Line cruise!

After he left, I started to not feel great. I went to lay down on my bed, but just felt worse and worse. I had the chills and the sweats, and my limbs felt like jelly. I felt like I had to throw up and couldn't. I missed Narc... rather, aspects of my life with Narc... I missed being able to numb everything. And so, alone in my bed, I started to cry a little. Shortly after, Brick came home. He asked me to look for a Con Ed bill so he could get the number to call and pay his bill. I got up to help him, but felt flushed and dizzy. My stomach was worse.

"Brick, I'm really not feeling good," I said.

I went to sit down in the bathroom and started coughing. Before I knew it, I was throwing up. I wobbled back to bed.

Suddenly, it was infinitely worse. I was sweating profusely. I was so dizzy I couldn't see straight. It was food poisoning. Brick thought I should go to the hospital. We called my mom. I ended up vomiting a bit more, and then started to feel better. I lay there limply for about half an hour, and then slowly began to return to normal. Brick was doing sit ups on my floor. He got into bed to go to sleep, but his whole body was sore from his intense work outs lately. I suggested Bengay. So, we climbed out of bed, headed into the bathroom and I helped him slather himself in the stuff. Both of us had watering eyes, as we headed back to bed. I couldn't sleep very well with the furniture rearranged, so I was up most of the night. But then again, what else is new?

Anyway, that's it for now... I'll come back with the MMJr. party story later.

Hope you're all well!

h