My White Whale

Getting through the day has been difficult lately because I've been pretty depressed. I saw the psychiatrist today and he upped my meds and prescribed me a new sleeping pill. I think that a huge piece of it is that I never have enough sleep. I can't even imagine what it feels like!

There are a lot of flies in my house. It's gross. And insects have always been my white whale! I'm terrified of them and they make me incredibly squeamish.

A few weeks ago I left the window open and three flies came in. I shut the windows after that, figuring they would live out their lives and die. And besides, I had the AC up and running again. Instead, they seemed to have bred. There are so many of them now that it's driving me nuts! The logical thing to do would be to kill them, but I can't. You see... I literally can't hurt a fly. It's not that I stand on principle or anything like that... It's just that I am insanely squeamish around insects and can't stand the idea of a squashed fly or a fly corpse to clean up. I tried spraying them with lysol but it didn't work. B is usually my fly-swatter, but as you know, he's been away. I spoke to him on the phone this morning and he assured me that when I see him on Sunday all I have to do is provide him with a fly swatter and he will take care of the whole thing for me. I hope so, because it's making me mad!

In other news, I'm feeling good about my decision to give Lucy up to Brick. I never really wanted a dog to begin with and I only adopted her as I was swept up in the moment. I need to be a little bit better about staying in touch with myself and with what I want in my life. It's a skill I haven't had much practice with. Even so, having given her away, I sank into an even deeper depression. I just feel like a failure in so many ways, and I know that this is all about Narc. I can't stand that he is with someone else. I think about him all the time and I still love him very much. Yesterday I wrote to him to tell him that I gave Lucy away. Then, I wrote him a very strange text in the middle of the night that I don't remember sending. How about that? A sober blackout!

It's Dean & his easy money making scheme on tv... Ha! I wrote, at 3:45 am.

He wrote back just after 10:00 this morning: Don LaPre? Still going?

I answered: Um, yeah...Unless I dreamed it. Don't really remember texting you. Strange...

Anyway, on my way to meet Brick after the psychiatrist, I was stopped on the street by some guy trying to raise money for the DNC. I gave him $10 and we started to talk. It turns out that he's a graduate student in history too, studying American history, focusing on the Christian Left in the early 20th century. I told him that B is working on a dissertation in liberation theology and I told him about some of my interests. It wasn't a particularly important encounter except that it made me feel more grounded in myself and more sure about my decision not to keep Lucy, if that makes any sense. I feel like I've been living for so long bending to what I think Narc wants that I've lost a big piece of myself-- the piece that knows what I want. It's a very strange experience to be slowly discovering all that again.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm just back from an AA meeting and tired. I'm going to go throw something together for dinner in my fly infested kitchen. I can't WAIT for B to come back and help rid me of these little pests! You would think Mr. Rochester would do his share, but apparently, he's above fly swatting.

Later...

-h-