Finished Business

Now... where was I? Ah yes-- Sunday night when I didn't know where Brick was and I decided to call his sister.

Brick's sister told me that they had been back in the city from 5:00 pm onwards. I was really upset. What reason could Brick possibly have for not returning my calls or keeping our plans? Shortly after I hung up with his sister, my phone rang. It was Brick at last. He told me that he was on a date at OlderMan's apartment, a guy he's been seeing for a few weeks. I was furious for having been blown off and because I had been so worried. I told Brick that I was upset. He offered a quick apology with some excuse about having been in a rush and going to the gym. Then I hung up on him. He called and texted me once after that, but I ignored his attempts to contact me. I was scowling and fuming and needed time to cool off. I went to bed that night angry at the world. The only thing that offered any consolation? 24 won the Emmy for best drama and best directing, and Kiefer won for best actor!!! Hurrah!

On Monday morning, Brick called again but I didn't answer the phone. Finally, in the late afternoon (and after I had been to therapy) we spoke and argued. It was a bitter conversation that left me in tears and I was "Shh-ed" by a man on the bus. That night I met Meema in midtown for an 11th step meditation meeting held by my home group. I really liked the meeting and it cleared up most of my negative energy surrounding the whole ordeal with Brick.

So that was last night... As I was walking home from the meeting, I passed a toy store with a giant stuffed penguin in the window. I took a picture of it and sent it to Narc.

I think it was made for you, I wrote.

I wasn't even sure that he was in town, as he said he was leaving for Ireland. And I knew I shouldn't be texting him, for my own peace of mind, but I did it on an impulse.

He wrote back right away: Cute! Where is he?

I texted him the address. How was Ireland? I asked. Did you go?

Just back in last night. Many pints, though no Bono sightings, alas. Good fun all the same. Uploading photos now.

He is starting to write to me in his affected "public" tone. (No more "ugh... dying!") We texted back and forth, and I said that I would go check the pictures out on his blog.

When I got home, I sat down in front of the computer and went to his site. There were no photos of Ireland (he has since updated) but there were photos from his trip to Miami with PopStarChick, accompanied by a post proclaiming that he is in love.

And yes, as she's certainly the first love interest I've had since starting this site, ordinarily, we might feel obliged to tag her with the oh-so-impressive moniker "Girlfriend 6.0". But--BUT, you see--as chances are I'm going to marry this one, I do believe, then, that at long last we can finally do away with the counting, and move on to, oh, I don't know, simply The One (or some such thing). Darling. Beloved. Angel. Or perhaps even just: (Her name).

Well, you guys can imagine my reaction to that. I don't think I need to say more... He has since put up a post that says she left for her trip to Russia on Saturday and he left for Ireland on Monday. That means when he called me on the Saturday that Sarah was here visiting, it was the same day as she left. When I saw him the following day, it was the only day he was here in NY alone.

I felt strangely like a robot last night... a robot developing an ulcer. I spoke to B on the phone for a while and then Anxious, but I couldn't feel anything in my heart... only knives in my stomach. Then Brick called, and as we had reconciled, he asked if I wanted to meet him to get a bite to eat.

Brick and I met downtown on St. Mark's. I was in my blue hooded sweatshirt and chain smoking. We went to the 24 hour diner where Hammer and I used to always eat after German. The food was good. Brick wanted me to come over to his apartment and help him hang pictures, but I pointed out that it was after midnight. Besides, I wanted to go home and just bury myself in my own bed and hope to die.

When I got back to my place, I instead got caught up in a long conversation with the doorman and stood there talking to him for nearly 2 hours! By the time I got into bed, it was after 3:00 and I couldn't sleep until after 5:00. It was misery.

This morning I woke up with tears in my eyes and my throat. I took a shower and headed over to Brick's to help him hang pictures, as promised. Then I came to my office to run off syllabi and readings. Tomorrow is my first day back to teaching. I was dreading it and had a lot of anxiety about beginning again, but being here in my office is making me feel better... purposeful... more like myself.

I don't know what to say or think about Narc anymore. Why would he direct me to read that entry? His blog is never representative of the truth. I know that because I've seen his reality in the past and then read what he has written. But it doesn't matter anymore at this point. I'm sick of being in pain.

This time, it really is finished. Narc and I are finished business.

This time, he's out of my life in any way that counts.

But it fucking hurts like hell.

-h-