Unfinished Business...

Okay... I started writing this post earlier and then got interrupted with a phone call and then ended up going downtown to see Brick. Then, on my way home, I stopped and spent two hours talking to Matt, the doorman. So, now I'm home again and in an entirely different mood, and this post gets cut off midway, but I decided to post it "as is" and to finish the story later...

(PS: It's nearly 3:00 am already!)

-h-

I am in a lot of pain right now. It really, really hurts. I feel like things are different between me and Brick. They just are. And Narc is back from Ireland. And he updated his blog. I feel like there are knives in my stomach. It's too painful for me to say anymore on that right now... I might die.

Speaking of Narc, did I ever give you all the update on that? Did I finish the story? I guess not...

Well, here's what happened.

When I got to his house last Sunday he opened the door and greeted me casually. The room was full of lit votive candles-- at least 50 of them.

"The apartment looks great," I said.

I felt awkward though. I noticed he had a giant rug standing in the corner.

"Did you get a new carpet?"

"That's been standing there for months," he laughed. "I haven't had anyone to help me roll it out and move the furniture."

"I'll help you!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

Before we got started, I placed an order for some Chinese food. While we were moving an end table, I knocked over one of his glass chess pieces. I felt terrible. I started crawling around on the floor on my hands and looking for the fragments. I was so uneasy! Finally, I found them and he tried to krazy-glue it together. Some of the glue dried in an unseemly way and I spent the next 20 minutes rubbing at it with my thumbnail until my thumb was bleeding and the piece was polished.

The next thing I knew, I was holding up his couch while Narc ran around the room with a tape measure trying to get the carpet perfectly centered. We really weren't talking about much, given that we hadn't seen each other in a whole month. This whole thing took a very long time, and my food arrived in the meanwhile. I was hungry, but Narc said I had to wait to eat. Finally the carpet was centered and we replaced all the furniture. Then I sat down at his table (perch-level) to enjoy my dinner. He came and sat across from me and lit a candle. At first, neither of us said anything.

"Um... so... How's life?" I asked.

He started to go on about how all of his friends aren't around to hang out with him. James just had another baby, CouchSleeper was in Ireland and PopStarChick (his new girlfriend) was in Russia.

"She's there for three weeks," he said, "so I may go visit CouchSleeper. What am I supposed to do? Sit around here and twiddle my thumbs?"

"Why is she away for so long?" I asked.

"She's getting a new visa. But this will be good. This way we can travel anywhere we want to..."

I felt awful during this conversation and began to wonder why I was even there.

You should leave. You should leave, Hyde!

After I had finished eating, we moved onto the couch. We sat on opposite ends and I hugged a pillow to my lap. The movie was horrible. It was borderline unwatchable. I started to doze off. At one point, my arm brushed against his and he moved away. Then I fell asleep again. I felt him looking at me. He touched my hair. It was strange. I shifted and he moved away. I opened my eyes. We made some mundane conversation about the movie.

After the movie ended, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I yawned provocatively to see whether he would usher me out or invite me to stay. He did neither. Instead, he put on Entourage. I stayed and watched, but felt sicker and sicker in the pit of my stomach. Before the show ended, I started to put on my shoes. I had to get out of there.

Narc got up and walked me to the door. He opened it and held it for me. I reached around his neck to give him a hug. He brushed my cheek with a kiss.

"Um... take care. Get home safe!" he said.

"Yeah, good night..."

I've never left his house at night like that... not unless I was drunk and kicked out in the course of a fight.

I felt queasy about all the ambiguity of our encounter and I wanted things to be okay, so I sent him a text:

It was nice to finally see you again. Good night! :)

He answered:

Sweet dreams! Say Hi to Roch.

It was unlike him. I felt strange.

As I exited onto the street, I called Brick. He was having a difficult night and wanted to get together. I arranged to pick him up in the taxi on my way back from Narc's. When he came down to the curb, he had Lucy with him.

"I'm not taking that dog!" the cab driver called as Brick climbed into the car.

"You have to take us!" Brick snapped. "She's a therapy dog! You have to take us or else it's discrimination!"

Brick was in a bad mood and I wasn't about to laugh or argue. Neither was the cab driver. He took us home.

The rest of the week for me was up and down. On Monday (a week ago) I finally saw B again. That was great! We had lunch and then just talked and talked. Oh, and we took a nap.

By the week's end, though, I was starting to feel depressed. Brick left for a wedding in Rhode Island on Thursday. On Friday I had lunch with my sister and then met B. We went to see Talladega Nights, which I found very funny. Afterwards I went to an AA meeting by myself. I didn't really like it, so afterwards I got some bubble tea. Then I came home.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. Like I told you guys-- I was up half the night obsessing about Narc. On Saturday I suffered from full blown depression. I hardly got out of bed and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was miserable. I spoke to Brick intermittently throughout the day, though, as he was having some family issues. By midnight or so, I was going stir crazy. I put on beautiful glittering eyeshadow and headed over to Cheers.

I brought my journal and sat in the back. I wanted to scream and to put my fist through the wall. I wanted to punch myself in the face until my eyes and lips were swollen and bruised. But I didn't. I sat in the corner and wrote. And I drank a lot of diet coke. The guy who always sings the "thong song" was there with his wife. They are moving to North Carolina. Guess that's the end of him...

The next morning, I met B for brunch at a Filipino place on First Avenue. Afterwards we walked around in the East Village and then headed to Times Square to go to a music store. B needed to buy a metronome. While we were there, I made an amazing discovery-- a full recording of Verdi's Rigoletto with all the voice parts except for the soprano! Rigoletto was my first favorite opera. Of course, I had to buy this little miracle of a recording. I was delighted. I didn't even mind getting drenched to the bone in the rain without an umbrella!

When I got home, I sang for hours. But afterwards, I didn't have anything specific planned and I started to sink back into my depression. I was waiting for Brick to call. He said that he would be back in the city around 1:00 or 2:00 and that he would call me when he arrived to figure out a plan to meet up that night. I told him that I would keep my schedule free after 4:00. Brick never called, though. I texted him at 5:00. Then I called him at 6:00. I told him that I was waiting to hear from him and I wasn't sure if I should get dinner on my own or if I should wait until we would meet up. I didn't hear from him.

Three hours passed. I was feeling depressed and sad and rejected and stuck. I texted Brick again: Where are you???

Nothing.

Then I called and left him another message. I was really getting worried. I started to fear that something bad had happened to him. After all, what possible reason could there be for him to have disappeared for so many hours? Once that terrible thought was in my head, I couldn't get rid of it. I decided to call his sister. I felt really stupid doing it, as I don't know her well, but I...