Huh? What does that mean?

Yesterday morning, I sent Narc a text.

How was your trip? I wrote.

I didn't hear back. I had a cough and a chest cold and hung out with Anxious in the late afternoon. It seems that things are becoming pretty serious between her and BulgarianGuy. (Kind of funny, considering how they met). Anyway, she just got back from six weeks in Bulgaria and was sporting his grandmother's ring (as she made sure to point out to me).

After dinner, I was planning on heading to a 10:30 pm AA meeting. As I was preparing to leave, I got a text back from Narc. It was 9:12 pm.

Dying. Come provide some distraction.

My heart started to pound and my stomach flipped over and over and over and over. That can only mean one thing, right??? My breaths grew shorter. I hate that he still does this to me. That he can do this to me. But god damn it, my feelings haven't changed! I want him and I still have a giant crush on him. I wanted to go see him. But, in an attempt to control my impulse, I volunteered to walk Anxious down to the street as we were leaving my apartment.

Skip the meeting, Hyde, and go shave your legs, I kept thinking. Just run back upstairs and shave your legs and then you can hop in a cab and go see him.

I texted NDN. I called Hammer.

"Go to your meeting, Hyde," Hammer advised. "Narc will still be there afterwards. Come on! Don't you know by now... He always is."

I leapt into a cab before I could change my mind, and headed to the meeting. I was half an hour early. I paced up and down the street. Four guys were sitting on a nearby stoop. I was coughing and my nose was running and I could hardly breathe. One of them finally approached me.

"Are you okay, miss?"

"Um, yeah..."

I felt sick. Sick, sick, sick. My stomach wouldn't stop its leaping. I held my breath. I tried to let it go. I wrote back to Narc at 10:17:

Huh? What does that mean?

Then I went into the meeting and shut off my phone. I tried to focus. I couldn't stop thinking about turning my phone back on. I shared about it in the meeting. Could it really help? I wanted to see him. At 11:35, my heart racing, I turned my phone back on-- as soon as I could. There was a response from him.

11:35 pm: Haven't seen you in a while, thought we might catch up.

Huh????

I called Brick. He agreed to meet me. I wandered aimlessly through the throngs in Times Square. I felt dizzy. I could hear my heart thudding. I started to walk downtown.

"Tell him you're busy tonight," Brick said.

It was 11:53 pm. I wrote back to Narc:

Would be nice but I have plans tonight. :( Some other time?

He answered right away: Sure thing. Give a call any time.

Okay, okay, I thought. He said "any time." That's good, right?

I couldn't leave it at that...

Ok. You too! I wrote. Would be nice to see you again. Have a good night!

Today I fixed a pair of Brick's sunglasses that had lost the pin. I used the baby screwdriver inside my matroyshka hammer (the one I bought with Narc back in March). So, I wrote Narc another text:

Finally got to fix something with my special hammer. Fabulous! :)

His reply?

Tres magnifique!

What am I doing? What does he want from me?

What the fuck?!?