The Unmotivated Blogger (and the Return of Anxious!)

I'm an unmotivated blogger.

I just don't have it in me to write today.

But here's my lame attempt:

On Sunday night, I went with Hammer to hear BHL give a talk at the 92nd Street Y. We saw BigEars there again. The talk was food for thought--thought that hasn't yet congealed enough to attempt to convey it here. Afterwards, we went for coffee at DTUT.

Maybe it was the coffee, but I couldn't sleep on Sunday night. I was depressed. I felt like the old me-- the me of six or seven years ago. Dark and romanticizing the darkness. It didn't feel good, though. It made me anxious. I got into bed at midnight. I don't think I fell asleep until around 3:00 am. My alarm was set to go off at 5:45. When I opened my eyes, it was 7:39.

Shit!

I jumped up, threw on some dirty clothes, threw my makeup in a bag, grabbed my notebook and was off. Luckily I got a cab fast, and luckily there was no traffic. I made it to the school by 8:07. (The class I had to teach started at 8:15).

With that kind of start to the morning, the whole day felt "off." I had a voice lesson after that, but was too tired and scrambled to give it my best effort. Then I took the bus to meet B on the East Side for lunch. I started reading The Life of Pi. So far, so good. B and I ate at Dallas BBQ and I talked to him about all of my ideas from the BHL lecture and from recently seeing Les Mis again on TV and from the Beethoven experience which all seemed to be madly fusing in my mind. I love talking to B.

Back at my place, I moped around for the rest of the afternoon, letting the darkness fall over my apartment without turning on any lights. I was listening to Enya-- Evening Falls. Last week, Narc remarked to me that he would marry any girl who can sing that song on key. What a stupid thing to say! It's not hard to sing on key. I sang it over and over. (Not that I want to marry Narc. I was just thinking about him). I figured out the notes on the piano. I played it over and over, rolling the chords underneath. It's completely tonal with one trick switch from minor to major and then back. I played it and felt it on my fingers and in my throat. The month that I met him back in 2004, he told me that same thing about another song-- Golden Vein by Cocteau Twins-- that he would marry any girl who could sing it. At least that one is a little more difficult to sing (although not beyond any soprano of moderate ability). In any case, looping the Enya song put me into sort of a trance. I felt depressed again. I feel like I'm changing...receding...falling back to an older form of myself. Yes, I'm changing. (If B were here, I'd laugh and quote the Dracula screenplay to him: " I'm changing. I can feel it. I can hear everything. I hear the servants at the other end of the house whispering. I hear mice in the attic stomping like elephants. But I'm having horrible nightmares, Jack. The eyes! Oh, Jack.)

Last night I went to hear BarMan play an open mic set at a place called Back Fence in the West Village. Before heading down there, I talked to NDN about something he had said that bothered me. I hope we've worked it out. Then he got to tell me about finally ending his "dry spell." Congratulations, NDN! He was cooking fish and I tasted it. It was delicious.

When I got to the bar, BarMan and ThursdayGirl were there along with BarMan's roommate, ThursdayGirl's friend K, two college friends of BarMan's, and Anxious and BulgarianGuy (hereupon to be known as Bulgi-- the form of his name I use when talking with Hammer). I wasn't in the mood to be out on the town. I was wearing a green T-shirt and my hair was a bit wild. My eyes were red-rimmed. My nose was running. I felt like a coke head, even though I hadn't done any. On the subway ride down, some guy was staring at me and making me uncomfortable. I listened to New Kids on the Block, hoping it would make me laugh. I have to admit-- I did crack a smile.

At the bar I started drinking double jack and diets (out of pint glasses). I was sitting next to BarMan's roommate and we caught up a bit. I haven't seen him in a while. But it's weird to me that Anxious was there. I don't entirely like having my social circles overlap like that. I haven't seen her in a long time and it was nice to talk, but I would have preferred a one-on-one hang out. She gets strange in public situations-- flipping her hair, pushing up her breasts and talking too loudly about things. She asked me how things are with Narc and I told her that they're not going so well. I was telling her about the strange comment Narc made, asking me about my Valentine's Day plans.

"I hope it's better than last Valentine's Day!" she loudly exclaimed. "No more masturbating in front of your friends, I hope!"

She tossed her head back, pleased with herself. She said it loudly enough that BarMan's roommate could hear. I was then forced to explain, telling him the story and laughing about it as if I thought it were funny and endearing.

"Oh, that's just Narc!" I smiled.

Ah, my dear demented loveable boy! Aren't I a happy one!

I had made a mistake revealing my weakness to Anxious. I should have pretended that everything is great... that Narc is a kind, generous and thoughtful companion...that I couldn't be happier. She made a show of telling me that I "deserve better." Normally, that would be nice coming from a friend, but she said it in a way that was condescending. It was as if she wanted to let everyone at the table know that I'm one of "those girls"-- you know the type... "low self esteem!" Not at all like her with her happy, healthy and fabulous romance with Bulgi.

Ah! If only we could all be a bit more like Anxious!

ThursdayGirl and I have been trying to make plans for a while to go see Brokeback Mountain. When Anxious heard of that, she invited herself along. I really don't want that. Hmm... I'm going to have to figure out how to get out of that one. But I made plans to have lunch with Anxious on Thursday. Like I said-- she's much better one-on-one. She doesn't try to "put on a show" quite as much.

After we left Back Fence, we headed to Swift on E 4th street. It was just me, BarMan, ThursdayGirl, Anxious and Bulgi at that point. I ate a hot dog. I was drunk. And still, I was depressed. I don' t know why. I just felt emptied... emptied of everything. Empty, empty, empty. A shell of a Hyde.

BarMan and ThursdayGirl left at around 2:00 am and Anxious and Bulgi started making out at the bar. Ew! I didn't need to see that! Time to make an exit.

Today I'm blue again. Blue and unmotivated. I cleaned my house a considerable amount and watched a lot of crap TV. My friend Singrl is in from out of town and I haven't seen her in FOREVER! We used to be very close in college, but now I only talk to her every once in a while. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. Singrl! She first introduced me to coke when I was 19 and we used to have long intense talks laying on her dorm room floor until all hours of the night. (We were both self-cutters and I had never known anyone else like that, so I felt really close to her.) Anyway, she's here with her boyfriend. He bought her tickets to Julie Taymor's production of The Magic Flute at the Met for her birthday. I'm going to meet them for coffee in an hour or so.

That's it for now. I guess for an unmotivated blogger, I still wrote a decent length post. I guess it takes more than depression to keep Hyde concise!

-h-