This One's for the Boys: Part III

I wrote this yesterday afternoon. Still not done though. This motherfucker of a post is going to require a Part IV!!!

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Yuck! It's an awful day out today! An awful rainy day! Yet, even still, I have to head out this afternoon for a voice lesson and then choir rehearsal. I wish I could snuggle indoors all day and just clean my house. Anyway, on with my story...

But I realized I left out a few details from Friday, so that first--

On Friday morning, when I woke up, I had a text message from Double-T. He wrote:

Hi, Hyde. Lovely spending time with you last night... Still plan to call later, but wanted to say howdy. -Double-T.

Then later that day, I got a call from him:

Hey Hyde, it's Double-T. It's shortly after 7:00 on Friday night. Hopefully you remember me from last night..... this time. Calling to see if you were free to visit tonight. If you were still going to be in the area. Or otherwise to visit some other time over the weekend. Call me at your convenience. If you want to get me on the land line it's xxx-xxxx or the cell remains xxx-xxxx. Hope you had a good day. I will speak to you later. Bye bye.

I sent him a message back that night:

Hey. Was nice getting to know you too! Feeling a little wiped out tonight, but lets meet up later this weekend. What works for you?

We eventually agreed on dinner Saturday night. His last word on the subject:

Sounds good. I'll ring you tomorrow & we'll figure out a time 'n' place. Looking forward to it.

Now, on to Saturday!

Saturday, January 14th:

Narc and I woke up on Saturday morning at a relatively decent hour and set about ordering in some brunch. Then we resumed our usual activity-- intermittently having sex while watching whatever he chooses to put on the TV. This went on well into the afternoon, when at around 3:00 pm, I got a text from B.

Hi, he wrote.

I called him back.

"Went fishing, and you found me!" I said.

I sprawled myself out on Narc's couch. He was in his bedroom doing something on the computer.

"So what's up, B? Are you psyched for the start of 24 tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"You are coming over to watch it, right?"

"Well.... Um... I don't know, H. "

Suddenly, this seemed serious.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't know... I've been giving a lot of thought to that conversation we had the other day."

"Yeah, well, me too."

He perked up at that.

"You have? Really?"

"Sure."

"And? So, what have you been thinking?"

I couldn't help but get the feeling that B wanted me to relieve him of his responsibility for this (yet again!). He wanted me to tell him that I know what's best, and what's best is for him to forget about 24 with me and to attend to his girlfriend. I wasn't about to say that, though. And I didn't want to talk in front of Narc. I could already feel my heart starting to pulse with a dull aching pain. Tears were waiting to gush, just seconds from the gate. I held them back and swallowed hard.

"B, I really can't discuss this right now," I said. "I'm at Narc's."

"Ok, fine."

"I just want to know if you're coming tomorrow or not," I repeated.

"Well, I haven't yet broached the subject with Drippy," he said.

"So? What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

"Look, B... We've watched every episode of this show together for the past four seasons. I don't know how this is going to all work out in the big picture... I don't know whether or not we'll watch together this year... But if you haven't made that decision yet, don't stand me up for the opening!"

Suddenly 24 had taken on some kind of transcendent symbolic meaning.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighed. "So, I'll come over, then."

I didn't like the way he said it.

"Look-- Don't come if it's a joke! If it's a lie! I mean, I don't want a pity friendship from you."

I was getting upset now.

"I just thought that we agreed that things have to change," he said.

"We did," I assured him. "But unless you're ready to change everything right now, don't pull the rug out from under me. This is a big deal to me. And besides, I REALLY can't talk about this now."

"But, Hyde! We need to talk about it."

"Yeah, but I really can't right now. I have to go."

"But--"

"B! I have to go."

We hung up. A few minutes later, he sent me a text:

You're right. I won't come for 24. No use pretending.

That was it for me... I couldn't hold back any longer.

Leave me alone. Goodbye, I wrote back.

I wandered into Narc's bedroom, half in a daze.

"What's up?" he asked, turning around from the computer.

"I don't know. I think I just need some air."

He moved to open the window.

"Shit. It's raining out. Pretty hard."

"No, I really need some air! Narc-- Can I go up to your roof?"

"Hyde... It's raining."

"I know. I don't care."

"Well, sure, if you want. You can take an umbrella by the door."

He told me how to get up there, and up I went.

It was eerie exiting onto the roof. The city was obscured by a thick white fog. To the West, I could see the river, a partial view of downtown, and the billowing dense white air hanging over New Jersey. I moved to the South-East corner of the building. I could see city hall and the park but most of the rest lay in the fog. The Northern view was even worse. On a clear day, you can see straight into midtown from his building. That afternoon, everything north of Canal Street seemed to have been erased.

The rain came down on my shoulders, soaking rather quickly through my navy blue hooded sweatshirt. I lit a cigarette, shielding it from the elements with my cupped hand. I couldn't sit down though, as everything was soaking wet, so I chose a corner and crouched above the gravel, hunched over, smoking cigarette after cigarette as plainly as I could. My mind was as blank as the heavy white air enshrouding me. Time was suspended. Only my heart felt heavy. And my bones felt chilled. I hadn't brought a coat. I started to cry.

Then I called B.

"What is it?"

His voice was ice cold. He was shutting down.

"I just called to say goodbye."

"H! What does that mean?" He sounded exasperated with me. Tired.

"It means that I don't want you to call me until I call you... Okay? DON'T CALL ME AGAIN. I'll call you eventually... That is... if you still want me to."

"Of course I want you to, H!"

"Okay, then. Well, this may be it for a while."

I was starting to have trouble breathing.

"So, good luck with everything B."

I was crying now. This was about to turn into a mega-drama "a la Hyde." I think he sensed that. He tried to cut it off at the pass.

"Okay," he said. "Goodbye."

After we hung up, I began to sob uncontrollably. I let myself collapse onto the gravel, not worrying about the sheets of rain or the damp cigarettes in my pocket. I smoked them until they were all gone and then my phone rang. It was my mother.

I debated for a moment whether or not to pick up. I was in no state for a conversation, but I had already ignored an earlier call from her. (She was expecting me to come over that weekend and I had never called her to tell her I wasn't coming).

In retrospect, I'm glad I picked up. I told her what was going on with B (although I left out the fact that I was on Narc's roof, crying in the rain), and she gave me some good advice and love and support. She was really solid and I felt a million times better by the time we hung up. My mom can be the greatest.

I finally felt relieved of the sharpest pain, and I was getting wet and cold. Plus, I was out of cigarettes. I decided to head back in.

When Narc answered the door, I must have looked like a soggy, sad mess. He didn't say anything about it though.

"You can leave your sweatshirt over there," he said, indicating the umbrella bucket by the door, as he walked back over to the couch.

He settled in to "his side" of the couch and I quietly went and took a seat on "my side." He didn't ask what was wrong or why I had been on the roof for so long. So, I didn't say anything. I just pulled my knees up to my chest and stared at the TV sullenly. My head was hurting and my body was exhausted from emotion. Neither of us said anything for a long time.

Narc was flipping channels, and that Jim Jarmusch movie, Coffee and Cigarettes was on. It was the Cate Blanchett scene.

"You have to see the next scene!" he said. "The one with Alfred Molina and Steve Coogan. Have you seen this movie?"

"No," I murmured.

He didn't say anything else. I blankly stared at the movie. Cate Blanchett was playing both characters in the scene.

"Narc, I'm depressed." I finally blurted out. "B and I are in a fight and I have plans tonight and I don't want to go."

He looked at me, but still didn't say a word. There was nothing that I could detect in his eyes. Dead. Cold.

"Can I have a hug?" I whimpered.

I felt so fucking vulnerable.

"Please?"

He still didn't answer. So I didn't wait. I lunged across the couch and stretched my arms around his belly. He let me hug him, but he didn't hug me back. So, I reached up for his arm that was resting across the top of the sofa and drew it down around my neck, clinging to it. We stayed like that for a minute or two and then he quietly withdrew his arm. I shimmied back over to my side of the sofa. No one had spoken a word.

"So, what are your plans tonight?" he asked, casually.

"I don't even know," I whined. "I don't want to go. I'm supposed to have dinner with this friend... I mean, someone I don't know."

"Well, that's good." His voice was tight.

He was tense. It was obvious it was a date. I didn't bother to disguise it.

"Not really, Narc," I complained. "Besides, he said he'd call me to tell me when and where and it's after 5:00 now and he hasn't called yet. I'd say that's an excuse to call it off."

I wanted him to tell me to call it off. I wanted him to say "Stay here tonight, Hyde. We'll bum around together and watch movies and just be with each other and I'll cheer you up." But that's not what he said.

"You can't call it off!" he said. "You have to go! It's always good to meet new people! Always good!"

"Ugh. I don't know, N. I'm not in the mood."

I felt bitter and more depressed than ever.

"Well, get in the mood. You'll have fun."

I hated him for that-- for encouraging me to go on a date with someone else. Maybe he didn't want to have to sit with my depression.

"Send him a text and ask him the plan," he suggested.

"Fine," I pouted, aggressively punching at the keypad of my cellphone.

What's up w/tonight? I wrote.

Double-T called me back almost right away.

Ughh!

I picked up the phone and wandered into Narc's bedroom.

"Why don't I pick a place?" he suggested. "East or West Side? What time is good for you?"

"I don't know... 9:30? I'll come to the West Side. I don't mind coming to you."

I felt uncomfortable talking to Double-T in Narc's house.

Then it was back to my position on the couch. I slouched into my shoulders and pulled my hair over my eyes.

"I need a drink, Narc. Big time!"

"Well, I don't have anything here," he half laughed.

"You have that champagne we bought on Thursday...."

"You want that?"

"Yes, please." I smiled at him, like a little girl.

"Well, okay."

"Do you want any?"

"Yeah, I guess I'll have a glass."

I got up and made the arrangements. By this time, the Molina/Coogan scene had come and gone. (It was painful to watch). I poured the champagne. Narc flipped channels. And then, guess what he found on TV? Over the Top! The Stallone "Trucker" movie we had just been talking about!

"We missed the first hour!" he wailed. "That's okay. Let's watch it from here."

I drank the bulk of the champagne and the movie cheered me up a bit. Nothing was really working though. The gloom still hung on me like the fog over the Hudson river.

At about 6:30, we both got up to leave. Narc told me he had to go to the bookstore to find something new to read. We walked outside together.

"It's a fucking hurricane out here!" he complained.

He said he would wait for me while we hailed a cab.

"You don't have to if you're cold," I volunteered. "Just go. I can get the cab by myself."

"No. It's okay."

A cab pulled over. Narc opened the door.

"Your chariot, my lady," he said.

I didn't kiss him or hug him goodbye. I didn't want to go on the date.

...To be Continued (yet again!)...