This One's for the Boys: Part I

My house is very messy. It's sunny outside, but a think layer of crunchy snow still lines the window sills and I can feel the cold radiating through the double glass walls of my apartment. In any case, the list of what I want to blog about it expanding so rapidly I figured that if I didn't write something substantial today, some of it would be lost forever to memory. But god, do I have a lot to write about. I think I may only get through half of Thursday in this post! Maybe I'll get a second one up today later in the afternoon.

So here I go...

First an overview of my week, so you can follow my chronology:

Thurs, Jan 5th: Got back from Argentina, had a fucked up night and blacked out
Fri, Jan 6th: Went to the opera with B
Sat, Jan 7th: Met Narc for drinks; Went out that evening with the Stallion
Sun, Jan 8th: Down-time
Mon, Jan 9th: Narc met me in midtown, we stayed up on "medicine." I slept at his place
Tues, Jan 10th: Narc visited me mid-afternoon and slept at my place

And that's where I'll take you to first-- Tuesday, January 10th.

Narc and I had parted ways that morning. I rolled out of bed and headed to the college to administer a makeup exam. I was on such little sleep that afterwards I came home and crawled into bed. Narc called me at around 4:00.

"I'm on the Upper East, leaving analysis," he said. "Mind if I come over?"

"Sure!"

We basically just bummed around for the rest of the evening. We ordered in Italian food, watched Terminator on TV and made microwave popcorn. He told me that he needed to educate me in '80's action movies. At some point in our conversation, I told him I thought I would make a good "trucker."

"I could just drive all day long," I said. "I could listen to music and then on my breaks hang out at dives and brood."

"Have you ever seen the Stallone movie Over the Top?" he asked. "It's an awful movie, but I think you'd laugh. Stallone plays an arm-wrestling trucker. And in the film, arm-wrestling is a major sport."

I laughed just thinking of it.

"I'll have to check it out some time."

That night, I was tired and wanted to go to bed early. We watched The Daily Show together in my living room. He wanted to watch Conan after that, but I wanted to go to bed.

"We can watch it in bed," I said. "I have a TV in the other room."

He agreed. This was strange for me. It's a routine I had with B-- The Daily Show and then to bed. B would always stay awake watching TV while I would fall asleep on his chest. And now there was Narc. There we snuggled, after a late night snack in my house, watching my TV, in my bed. I have no words to describe to you guys how it all felt so simultaneously perfect and wrong.

Wednesday, January 11th:

The next morning I had to call my therapist (she's in Switzerland for a few months) and Narc wanted to make it a work day, so he left by 9:15. It was a really productive therapy for me. I realized that everything with Narc is hopelessly tied to B. A lot of it is projection, I think--one enormous repetition compulsion in an attempt to triumph over B's rejection. I can't lose this thing with Narc. Sometimes that alone seems to be my motivation and I robotically act on that insanely overpowering drive.

Afterwards I had plans to meet B for lunch at a small Filipino joint on First Avenue. I brought up what I had been discussing in therapy. And I know you all want to know what went down between me and B, but as he's an extremely private person, I don't feel comfortable relaying our conversation or our conflict in all its detail. (Besides, it didn't come to a head until Saturday afternoon). The bottom line was this-- B and I broke up three and a half years ago. He's had another girlfriend for about a year. But in spite of that, he's still my "primary," and I'm still his "primary." Of course this causes problems for him and his girlfriend (who shall be referred to as "Drippy.")

As she once commented to him: You and Hyde are like an old married couple and I'm the third wheel!

"B! What did you answer her?"

"Nothing. She was right."

So there's the problem. We agreed that we both had a lot of thinking to do and that if either of us ever wants to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship, we need to transition out of such a co-dependent tangled unresolved mess with each other.

"I feel like I'm enabling you," he said. "Enabling you by catching you when you fall no matter how you try to self-destruct and by giving you enough support that what N offers is okay for you to accept."

(Hammer said something similar to me a few months ago-- that B is all the emotional support and love and friendship from a relationship so it makes it okay to accept just the sex and excitement from N).

Anyway, you guys get the point...

That evening I had my first choir rehearsal since December. We were working on the Ode to Joy which thrilled the hell out of me. It was exhilarating.

Later that night, I headed out to Cheers. I bumped into a new neighbor at the elevator. He lives on the other side of NDN. He was all scruffy in an open-chested bathrobe on his way up to the roof for a smoke. He stopped to talk to me and we had a strange conversation. He was sort of "posturing."

At Cheers it was one of the regulars' birthday-- a guy I'll call Manwich. As such, there were a lot of shots going around. I saw KHill and FightingMensch and Duff and the gang. That place is becoming a stock-broker's paradise. PumpedUp's cousin who bartends on Sundays had just passed his exam to join their ranks. I was so embarrassed though. Especially in front of KHill. The last time I had seen him before that was on Saturday night when I was there sucking face with the Stallion.

It made me think of all that stuff about "feminism" that has been circulating in blogland. I mean, how come KHill can walk up to me as a complete stranger in September and tell me

"If I had a million dollars I'd impregnate you...You'd let me come inside, right?"

and then a few months later, whip it out in the street and ask me if I'm going to "suck it," before pissing on my hand and he's not embarrassed to see me at all. I, on the other hand, show up and kiss a guy I've known for years and I have to feel like slut in front of those boys. The double standards were oppressive that night. KHill had plenty of opportunities to come over to talk to me, but he didn't. It fucking sucks.

Anyway, IrishBird and I gossiped for a bit. She told me she had been set up in October by the cops who sent underage drinkers into the bar. It was the Red-Faced-Lawyer (another regular) who had to get her off the hook. She also told me that when I had been there on Saturday with the Stallion, that she kept telling him to "look after me."

"What did he say???" I demanded.

"Oh, he was sort of offended, Hyde. He kept saying 'What? Of course!' and stuff like that... As for N," she went on, "I know you love him, dear, but I'd stay away. He's going to do you real harm one of these days."

Anyway, that was Wednesday night. I went home alone at a relatively decent hour.

Thursday, January 12th:

Thursday was a work day for me. I worked like a dog all day long. That evening I had dinner plans with my friend, Nipkins. (If you recall, it was her birthday party to which I brought the Stallion the Saturday before.)

That night I was back at Cheers. I was in brooding mode. Despite the joviality all around me, I sat at the bar furiously scribbling in my journal, my eyes shaded, drinking alone. I saw a girl there-- a new girl I met this week, Arachnid. She's a bartender at another nearby bar and she's friends with BarMan. She just started hanging out at Cheers on her off-time. She seems like a pretty cool girl--knits for a hobby and used to live in France. Anyway, between my scowls, I made a little conversation with her.

A few hours into the night, another girl pulled up a barstool besides me.

"I've met you here before!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, really? Well, I come here a lot," I said.

"Yeah... I wanted to ask you though, were you at Revival on Saturday night?"

"What? Yes! It was my friend's birthday there that night!"

"I knew it was you!" she squealed. "I was with my boyfriend, and I was like: 'Look! It's that girl from karaoke!' We saw you up at the bar when you were ordering drinks, but then you disappeared."

"Well, we were in the upstairs room for a party. That's so weird," I said.

Just then, her friend came over to join us-- a tall guy with sandy brown hair and glasses.

"Hyde, right?" he sat down. "Short for HXXXX?" (Don't know how else to write that without giving away my given-name).

"Um, yes... Have we met?"

"Double-T," he said. "I met you here a few months ago. Don't you remember?"

"Um... I'm not sure. I'm here a lot, so..."

"Well, I couldn't forget you," he said. "You sing opera, right? And teach over on the West Side?"

"That's right! Wow. I'm impressed!"

"Well, I have a little confession to make," he began. "The last time I met you I really liked you, so when I got home I scribbled down everything I could remember that you said about yourself. I gave you my card. If you don't mind my asking, you said that you'd call me but you never did. Could I ask why not?"

"Your card? What's your last name?"

He told me.

Suddenly it dawned on me. He has a funny sounding name (each initial beginning with a "T") and I remembered seeing his card on my kitchen counter back in October one drunk night with N over.

"Who's Double-T?" Narc had asked at the time.

"No clue," I had said.

And I meant it. I must have been so drunk that night that I blacked out... or it all blurred together.

Anyway, I apologized to him for having said I would call and then not following through. We talked for quite some time. He's 35, grew up in Vermont and works in Broadcasting. He seemed like a sweet guy (if not a little dorky), but he also seemed a little "digital" for me, if that makes any sense. He went to film school but I couldn't see the artist in him. He was a self-described "practical" person. Who knows, though, maybe I could do well with someone a little more open and a little more "light."

Just after midnight I got a text from Narc.

At B&B. Up?

Ugh! I wanted to write back right away, but I was talking to Double-T. IrishBird came round so I showed her the text. She rolled her eyes.

"What's that about?" Double-T asked.

I told him flat out a very sanitized version of my N-saga. I was drunk, and besides, who cares what he thinks, right?

"At the risk of sounding cheesy, you deserve better," he said.

I didn't answer the text.

At little while later, N called me. I took the phone with me into the bathroom so I could answer.

"I thought I'd come up to Cheers," he said.

"Um, no! Don't come here. I'm with some people, and we're leaving soon. Let me come to you."

"When, Hyde?"

"Soon. Um, I'll call you really soon, okay?"

I went back out to talk to Double-T.

At around 1:00, his friends wanted to go. I was feeling pretty drunk. He suggested that they go without him and that he stay with me. I didn't want that. I would feel responsible to hang out with him, and maybe even make out with him, and besides, I wanted to see Narc.

"I should get going myself," I said. "I've had a lot to drink. I need to call it quits."

"Can I at least walk you home?" he asked. "Are you going to call me tomorrow?"

"To be honest, you better call me," I said. "Let me put my number in your phone."

After that, he ran to the restroom. While he was gone another boy slid into his seat.

"Hyde!"

I looked up. It was DET, a guy I met back in October. He lives in my building on the Third floor. I had invited him to my birthday party, but he never showed up.

"I owe you a huge apology, Hyde! I'm sorry I didn't make it after I said I would!"

He threw his arms around me.

"That's okay... really."

"You should come to a little get together I'm having next Friday! Will I see you there?"

"Well, DET, I really can't accept a drunk invitation. Why don't you call me and invite me properly?"

"Do I have your number?"

"Let me put it in your phone."

Just as I was doing so, Double-T returned from the bathroom. How awkward! Just as I was giving another guy my phone number! (Of course, I have no interest in DET, nor he in me. It's just a neighborly thing...)

I tried to do damage control and introduced DET to Double-T as my neighbor. It seemed to be okay. I grabbed my coat and Double-T and I set off for the door.

He walked me back to the building lobby and leaned in to give me a kiss. The kiss was okay. I mean, he was drunk and relaxed so he was a decent kisser. I bid him goodbye and raced upstairs, calling Narc back on the way.

"I'll be there in half an hour!" I said.

"Hyde! That's too long!" he was drunk.

"Narc, enough. You know it takes me at least half an hour to get there in a cab no matter what I do, so give me a break!"

I threw some things into a bag at my place and raced back down to the street, taking care to avoid the windows in front of Cheers, lest I be seen by Double-T.

And I was off!

For the rest of my story, you'll just have to wait. I have to jump in the shower and I have lots of work to do. But, like I said-- perhaps more later in the afternoon...

-H-