One of Those Nights

Last night was my first night back and I had to go and make it one of "those" nights.

Shit.

I woke up this morning with a busted bag of coke spilling into my bra. There were a dozen strange messages clogging up my cell phone, including one from MG, some from the Stallion and a bunch from some guy I met at the Patriot a few weeks back.

Shit, shit and more shit.

Of course, I remember very little to nothing.

I can't help but admit that I've been depressed and it's only getting worse. I found out what N's "birthday surprise" is for PopStarChick--he's taking her to see one of my FAVORITE operas at $150 a person. As luck would have it, I'm going to be there as well tonight (albeit in the cheap seats) with B. While N is pretty much maintaining constant contact, I don't think he realizes how he is driving me away with this. I can take a lot, but I'm starting to crack. (Keep in mind, he has never been to the opera in NY and I've always begged him to go; he knows it's a sore point that he stood me up for Boheme last February. Second of all, he knows I love Wozzeck as we've discussed it many times before. Third of all, he never got me a birthday gift--not even a card or a flower or a drink. Oh! And I TOLD him a few weeks ago I was going to Wozzeck...).

How do I know that he's going to be there tonight? Why, he told me himself!

N: Friends E and A both in from out of town tonight. Birthday outing tomorrow (Wozzeck at Met opera, first balcony! Yay!), but possibly hang this weekend?

H: I'll be at Wozzeck too! Hope she likes her bday gift from you. Maybe I'll see you there... Give me a call Sat then. We'll see how the weekend shapes up.

N: Ah nice! Going with the fam or friends? Where are you sitting?

H: Last Woz of season. I've written 2 papers on the opera. Couldn't miss it! W/a friend. He has tix so not sure of seats. Probably cheap--life of poor grad students!

(Obviously that's a lie. I'm going with B and I have the tickets and I know I'm in the highest ring, but I wanted to say that anyway.)

N: Awww! Well I'm sure we'll all love it regardless of seating. Can't wait!

H: Nothing like degenerate Weimar madness and Lustmord. Good for the nerves. Have fun tonight. I'm going to have my Cheers reunion!

N: Don't get too hammered--can't be hungover for the opera!

H: True. I'll have to see who's out tonight. But Woz might well suit a hangover-- esp. the hallucinatory tavern scene!

And so, I went out last night. I went out last night in misery and felt completely alone. I tried to blow my brains out (metaphorically, of course). Now I feel sick. I feel sick in every way imaginable. I hate myself and I don't want this year to be like this. Not at all. I'm going to flush the remainder of the coke and crawl back into bed. No more drugs in the New Year. No more of this shit.

"I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired."

But he's a talented boy. A talented boy and dangerous. I mean, with how many ways can one boy come up to break my heart?

I'm nearing the edge.

-h-