It's day two and I'm anxious.
My first moment of weakness came about four hours after I made my decision to cut him off. I was on my way to my voice lesson at about 2:00 pm. He had signed up for a new martial arts class. I wanted to write to him.
Good luck with the class! I was going to say.
I resisted.
My voice lesson was mediocre. I had low energy levels so the lower register of my voice wasn't as resonant.
Usually when I leave his place I bend over and kiss him goodbye.
"I'll see you soon!" I tell him in his sleep.
He mumbles something in reply.
Yesterday I didn't say goodbye.
When we're in a fight, I usually leave a dramatic note.
Yesterday I didn't leave a note.
He must have sensed that I moved an inch out of his orbit.
I had my concert last night. He sent me a text.
How was Beethoven? He wrote.
I didn't answer. But I was anxious.
This morning I woke up feeling nauseated, roiling in second thoughts. But I just got off the phone with my therapist. As I was placing down the receiver, I felt reassured-- strong. But that was five minutes ago. Now, again (so soon?), there is a flutter in my stomach and I fear I will lose all resolve.
I'm going to try to put it out of my mind for the next few hours.
You guys, how am I going to do this? Am I sure I even want to? I don't know anything anymore...
-ambivalent h-
6 comments:
You *can* do this. I think the thing about surrounding yourself with positive people and things that make you happy - that's the key. stay strong!
It's like trying to quit smoking. You just need something to occupy your hands instead of Narc.
When you think about him, find something to do that doesn't involve him. Play piano, sing, pet Rochester, paint, clean, read a book, right a poem, take a walk (not to Cheers).
You live in NYC, there must be 100 different things you can do.
No one said it would be easy, but giving up a habit never is. It's all about replacing the bad with the good.
You have already succeeded a little by not sending that text and not replying to the one he sent you. Look at what you have already acheived and not what you think you won't.
Hyde, we are your friends....US...not him.
Hugs and want to say love ya lots! Calling/seeing him is NOT going to bring the relief that you want. Well, it might make you feel better for a little while but, sooner or later you're going to end up at the same emotional place with the same anxiety again. Just keep in mind that it's a balance between a quick fix, a temporary good versus long-term emotional freedom. Also, the "quick fix" is not even guaranteed and can turn out to be a letdown. Best of luck!
one day at a time..... and so far so good, right?
ST
You can do it Hyde!
I know you can! Stay strong and keep resisting those urges!
Am I sure I even want to?
By asking the question you are answering it as well: no, you are not sure you want to do this. However, I think if you take a step back and look at your relationship with Narc (something a blog is ideally suited for) I think you will agree that you can do this and you should do this even though it's going to hurt.
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