And then I recognize the emptiness that underlies everything.
Nonetheless, Wednesday was a great day--good teaching, strong voice lesson, afternoon catching up with Hammer, and then good news from my research seminar. I found out that my paper is due a month later than I originally thought! (Hallelujah!)
Walking home from school, I talked to Bezoukhoff on the phone before settling in for an evening of satisfying television. First I was treated to Dr. Phil "Primetime" and his interview of Pat O'Brien. (While I love watching Dr. Phil, I have to say that I found the whole thing quite disturbing. What did Pat O'Brien do that was so bad? He attempted to set up a threesome, suggested calling a hooker, got drunk and wanted to buy some coke. Dr. Phil was acting like no woman would ever be able to forgive him for his degrading attitude. Shit! I better never become a celebrity.) After Dr. Phil, I caught the Idol results show, then talked to Hammer on the phone, and then caught the ABC American Idol "expose," Fallen Idol. I was very entertained to say the least. And as for Corey Clark--his music was pretty fucking awful.
By the end of that endless barrage of mindless television, I was exhausted. I felt unsatisfied though. It's hard for me to explain exactly what I was feeling, but there was a little voice inside my head urging me to get out of the house. I kept trying to rationally remind myself that it was after 11:00, that I was fatigued and that there was no need to go out, but I couldn't rid myself of that voice or that feeling.
So, out I went.
Where to? Cheers, of course!
By the time I freshened up and made it across the street, it was after midnight. When I arrived there weren't many people there, but I went over to say hello to FightingMensch and PumpedUp who were seated at the end of the bar. IrishBird came by and the four of us bullshitted for a while. PumpedUp and FightingMensch were acting like stupid frat boys, cracking dumb jokes and making sexist comments about girls. I was a little annoyed, but then again, what did I expect? I drank a lot and fast--about six whiskeys in an hour. IrishBird came over to gossip with me, and I updated her on my story about the Stallion from Saturday. She asked if I had heard from Narc at all this week, and I said "no."
"This week, I've been a 'good girl,'" I said, "although it's hard to tell sometimes."
"Hyde, you are a good girl," PumpedUp chimed in. "I can see it in your eyes!"
That made me smile.
At around 1:30, they were ready to close up. IrishBird and PumpedUp took off in one direction, FightingMensch headed home, and I headed up the street to Manchester. When I got there, Sean Duffy was on duty, and I was drunk. I suppose I made a bit of a fool of myself, but at this point, I'm loathe to care. Three guys in their 40s were sitting at a table behind me. Somehow (and I don't remember how), I got into conversation with them. I was going on and on about some adventure of mine or another and the three of them were laughing at everything I said. It was fun to be the center of attention. As we were nearing the end of the night, one of them wanted to "walk me home," but I wasn't about to go there. (This is, after all, not the Hyde of 8 months ago!)
Instead, I called the Stallion. Predictably, as it was now almost 2:30 in the morning, I woke him up. I don't remember our entire conversation, but I remember feeling stupid for waking him. After I hung up the phone, I sent myself a text, in case I blacked out and wouldn't remember the next morning. I told myself that the phone call was "all cool" and that I had made tentative plans with the Stallion for the next night. By the time I got home at around 3:00, I was pretty wasted.
The next morning, I woke up and talked to Hammer on the phone for a while. We had a really interesting conversation about my whole "personal is political" problem. Hammer doesn't think that I should feel guilty for making whatever choices that I make about sex and relationships. She doesn't think that it's politically "irresponsible" of me to privately engage in a way that doesn't necessarily line up with my public convictions. Instead, she pointed out, that I am exercising my political freedoms to express myself emotionally and sexually however I choose, and to not enjoy those freedoms and to not make my own choices would be the real mistake. I feel like she articulated her point much better than I just did here, but it was really good food for thought.
After we hung up, I got dressed, packed my German books and headed downtown to the diner near NYU. I ate a quesadilla, tried to calm my pounding head and finished my German homework. After class, Hammer and I did our sitting in the park. I couldn't hang out for long, though, because I had to head to therapy. I hadn't heard from the Stallion, so I decided to send him a text. I wanted to apologize for waking him the night before, but Hammer said that I didn't have to apologize and that I should stop approaching people so "apologetically." So I didn't. Instead, I wrote to him:
What's up? Trying to figure out plans for later. Can't be out late though b/c I have a killer work day Fri. What are u up to?
Back at home after therapy, I still hadn't heard from the Stallion. I watched some TV and tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my night. I ended up on the phone with BigSis for a while. She is a social worker/therapist and one of her teenage clients attempted suicide this week. She was pretty shaken up about it. We ended up moving from there into a discussion of my dad--a topic that always stays swept under the rug in my family. I may have already mentioned it to you guys, but tomorrow is the 15 year anniversary of his death. I asked my mom and my sisters if they wanted to have dinner to "remember him." It's going to be hard, but I think I need some kind of formal grieving, even now. The rest of the day tomorrow I'm going to spend with B.
While I was on the phone with my sister I got a text message. When I hung up, I went to check it. It was sent at exactly 9:12 pm. Guess who it was from? Narc!!!
Holy shit! My heart started pounding so hard and I just got butterflies in my chest and stomach. He said:
Going to take the evening off from writing etc, if you want to come over.
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I called Hammer right away and started running the bath to shave my legs, just in case I decided to go. I honestly didn't know what to think or do though. I just knew I was a bundle of nerves. Hammer talked me through it a little bit until my doorbell rang. It was NextDoorNeighbor.
"Hey, Hyde! I'm drunk!" he called from the hallway.
"I gotta go, Hammer," I said. "It's a fucking three-ring-circus over here."
I opened the door and NextDoorNeighbor came twirling in. He was all dressed up in a suit and had just come from some fundraiser for work. He grabbed my hand and started dancing with me.
"Guess what?" he exclaimed.
"What?"
"I just kissed Hillary Clinton!"
"What? Was Bill there?"
"No... no Bill, sorry." (NextDoorNeighbor knows about my crush).
NextDoorNeighbor asked if I wanted to go get a drink at Cheers.
"Okay," I said.
I still had to decide what to do about Narc, though. It was almost 10:00 and I hadn't called him back. While NextDoorNeighbor was changing back at his place, I decided to make the call. Narc picked up on almost the last ring.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, it's me. What's up?" I began.
"Not much..." he said.
"Well, I got your text and... Well, I can come down. I'm just going for a drink with my neighbor first, for like half an hour or an hour."
Narc sounded down. I felt bad for him. I don't want him to be sad. (Yes, Hammer--I fucking love my Narc!)
"Look, if you've got plans, and you're busy, don't worry about it. Go. Go have fun with your friends; it's okay."
(Weird. Usually Narc is all about pressuring me to come down. In this case, he was sober, and probably called on an impulse in an instant of loneliness. Maybe he thought it was a mistake to have called. Maybe he was trying to back down.)
"No, no no!" I protested. "It's just gonna be one drink. I can come after that."
"Well, I'm just warning you, I'm not going to be all that entertaining."
I laughed. "C'mon, Narc. When I have ever demanded that you entertain me? I'm pretty easy going like that."
"Okay, then," he said. "See you later?"
"Yeah, fine. I'll call you when I'm almost there."
My heart was pounding harder than ever. I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. I knew that I was potentially confusing myself even more, but I couldn't help myself. Also, I hadn't seen him since before I knew about his New-Girl. How would I feel seeing him, knowing that there's someone else in the picture?
I packed an overnight bag, including all the stuff I would need to teach the next day and knocked on NextDoorNeighbor's door.
"Let's go," I said. "I don't have all that much time."
He was still in such a silly mood. He filled a flask with rum and started drinking it in the elevator. In the lobby we bumped into our Super. NextDoorNeighbor was putting on a big show--acting drunker than he actually was. He kept saying "I always told you I'm a cheap drunk!" The Super told me to keep an eye on him. He turned to NextDoorNeighbor.
"Listen to Hyde tonight, kiddo. She'll keep you in line!"
NextDoorNeighbor laughed. "That'll be the day!"
NextDoorNeighbor and I had a good time at Cheers. I said hi to BarMan who was doing the crossword--the same as ever! Since he was drunk, NextDoorNeighbor was especially candid. He told me that last week he heard me and the Stallion "doing our thing" through the walls. I laughed and said that I was glad that it was only him and not the "old people" on our floor living next door to me.
I had two glasses of whiskey and then my cell phone rang. It was the Stallion. I didn't pick it up, but he left me a message saying that he had been working late and wanted to meet up. I already had my plans with Narc though, so I didn't call him back. I guess I'll just call him later today and tell him that I ended up going to bed early last night.
At around 10:40, I went to pay my tab.
"Where are you running off to, darling?" IrishBird asked. "Will I see you back here later?"
"Probably not," I told her. "I have a 'date,'" I said.
"Tell me it's not with Narc..." she frowned.
"Um, I can't. Look--if you see me later, it'll be because I'm back with a broken heart."
"I just hope you're not back with a broken nose!" she exclaimed.
"How 'bout one of each?" I laughed.
BarMan was standing behind her and his jaw dropped open when I said that. (I mean, I can joke like that, because Narc has never hurt me like that in any way. IrishBird and BarMan think otherwise, so I think I really shocked him with my flippancy.)
"I can't fucking believe you just said that!" he said.
All three of us started laughing. I grabbed NextDoorNeighbor and skipped out onto the street.
I called Narc from the cab on the way down, getting to his house at around 11:00. I felt weird as I approached his building. I hadn't been there since March 20th! (And I hadn't slept over since February 25th!) He was in a strange mood on the phone, and honestly--I wasn't sure what to expect.
Usually he answers the door buck-naked, erection and all, but this time, he was wearing his boxers. I was all done up in my "going out clothes," makeup, jewelry, etc. He gave me a kiss hello, but even though it was on the lips, it wasn't a make-out kiss. This was weird.
"I'm just watching the end of Project Greenlight," he said, heading back towards the couch.
I followed him in and dropped my stuff by the door, taking a seat on the other end of the couch.
"So what's up?" I asked tentatively. "What's new?"
"Nothing," he said. "Just the writing still and it sucks. I hate doing it, and I just couldn't do it anymore today."
I wasn't sure what to do. I kind of angled my body in a different way so that I was closer to him, and kind of brushed up against him. We sat like that for a while. The tension in the air was so thick, you could slice through it with a knife. Finally, Narc seemed to relax a bit. He layed back on the couch and put his legs up on my lap. I thought that was an odd thing to do too. It wasn't really a sexual thing, more like a comfortable/couple physical thing. It felt better to have the physical contact though. I felt a little bit like an alien, or something non-material in his apartment until that contact was made. It was a relief.
We talked about a lot of things... Well, mostly he did the talking and I did the listening. It was almost as if it were an opportunity for Narc to get a lot off his mind. Like I've said before, I don't think he shares his feelings with friends or anyone really, for that matter, except for me. He talked to me about his mom and some of his issues with her, about how he has been depressed, about his writing, and about how his dad found his blog. Narc isn't in contact with his dad (except maybe maximum once a year), but apparently his dad wrote him a short email:
Narc felt really weird about it, and I don't blame him. We talked about more mundane things as well-- good movies, his friend's recent engagement, his upcoming birthday, my teaching and more. At one point, he started telling me about a photography contest that he entered. He was pretty proud of how the pictures came out and wanted to show them to me.
"What are they pictures of?" I asked.
"Well, the theme was 'someone changing a lightbulb,'" he said. "I took pictures of my friend New-Girl. She's really the photogenic type, and we got a lot of good shots."
"Oh, really?" I said.
"Yeah. She's actually in Baja right now. We went to a movie premier a few weeks back and it was a documentary about Baja and she's wanted to go ever since."
"What does she do that she can just pick up and take off for a month like that?" I asked.
(As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to bite my tounge off. I only know that her trip is for a month because I found her blog. I didn't want Narc to know that I had been obsessing. Did I just give myself away?)
"Oh, well, she's not gone for that long," he said. "Just a few weeks. And she's a nurse, so she gets different assignments at different times."
"Oh."
"Anyway, come into the bedroom so I can show you the photos on my computer."
I followed him in. They were really nice photos, but she was topless in them. I asked him how he got a specific color-filter technique. I felt kind of uncomfortable, and I wasn't sure why he was showing them to me. He does like to play strange games with people though (ie the Anxious masturbation incident) and maybe he was just getting off on showing me "New-Girl" without my knowing who she is; or maybe he wanted to show me that he has someone too, since the Friday he came to my house I was fucking the Stallion. Who knows... In any case, I was kind of eager to change the subject.
We went back to hang out in the living room and ended up having sex again. This time, it was so intense. There's the Narc-Hyde chemistry I know and love! I felt a crazy feeling--just flooded with connection to him. I know he did too from the way he looked at me. It's as if there's a really intense bond between us, but just beneath the surface. Neither of us wants to acknowledge it, and it doesn't exist for our external personas. But having sex tapped into that, and all of a sudden, I felt real and whole and materialized. Afterwards, he collapsed on top of me and held me. I didn't want the moment to end and for things to go back to being akward. He started to get up.
"Maybe we should start using condoms," he said. "I think we should use a condom next time."
"Do you even have condoms here?" I asked. (He never does.)
"Oh, yeah, I have a ton of them!"
(Again, weird. Did he bring that up just so he could point out to me that he has a reason to buy condoms that has nothing to do with me. I mean, he certainly didn't care about using them two weeks ago, even AFTER knowing I had hooked up with the Stallion.)
"Well, I've got no objections there," I said.
After that, the closeness fell away a little, but it didn't feel as akward as before either. I was getting sleepy. I went and washed up in the bathroom. When I came out, he had switched on some movie halfway through--"Damage" with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche. We watched together for a while, but I started to fall asleep on his lap. It was about 2:00 am and I knew I had to be up at 7:00 for teaching.
"I've got to go to bed soon, Narc," I said.
"Well, the movie's almost over, but if you want to head in to bed, just go ahead."
"Okay."
I left him there and moved into the bedroom. I could still hear the TV though, and some swanky saxophone music.
"What's going on?" I called out.
"The son's gonna walk in on their affair," he hollered back.
"Oh, I gotta see that." I got up and went back into the living room.
I watched the dramatic scene, and drifted off to sleep on him a few minutes later. Then I woke myself and moved back into the bedroom. The movie was almost over. He followed me in five minutes later.
It was so weird to be in bed with him. I wondered if he was going to instigate having sex again, and I really wanted him to, but he didn't. What was going on? I've never been in bed with him before and not hooked up. I mean, that's what Narc and I had above all--chemistry! I could tell there was a lot turning over in his mind. He was just radiating it. He pulled me in to snuggle me, but even that felt weird--stiff and unnatural. Where had our crazy chemistry gone? Why was it so different this week than it had been two weeks ago? Technically, nothing was different--he was seeing New-Girl back then too, so it couldn't be about that!
The only thing I could think of was that the last time I saw him he told me that he "loves me." Two days later he wrote me that email trying to "put distance" back between us. So now, it was almost as if he were trying to act "neutral" with his body language, and not "loving." I was really frustrated laying next to him--so much so that I thought about taking off. I decided against it though. I always make Hyde-drama at the end of the night with him, and so many times have wanted to take off like that. What does Narc hate most about me? My "emotional histrionics." He can't handle emotions--not even his own, let alone mine! Better not to rock the boat.
I slept like a baby last night. I don't remember the specifics of my dreams, but they were all delicious and they were all about being with Narc. When I woke up this morning, I was sad that I had to get out of bed. I got dressed, watched some NY1 news and went to kiss him goodbye. He opened his eyes and looked at me, drawing me down for a kiss on the mouth.
"Bye Narc, have a good day," I said.
"Yeah, you too."
And that was that. I left.
On my way uptown I talked to Hammer on the phone.
"Help, Hammer! I don't know how to process this!"
I feel a little better now, after a day of teaching. I mean, it's a little bit removed and I don't feel as emotionally raw. The butterflies in my stomach are settling down. I hate that he does that to me.
I really don't know what to think, and I still don't know how to process, but I'm trying to let it go and to just "be" and to not over-analyze.
So all I'm left with is feeling, which brings me back to "Lilac Wine."
I gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
And be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you
Lilac wine is sweet and heady,
Like my love
Lilac wine,
I feel unsteady,
Like my love
Listen to me, I cannot see clearly
Isn't that she, coming to me
Nearly here
Lilac wine is sweet and heady,
Where's my love
Lilac wine,
I feel unsteady,
Where's my love
Listen to me, why is everything so hazy
Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy, dear
Lilac wine,
I feel unready for my love
Feel unready, for my love.
3 comments:
Wow! I love the way you can articulate how you feel. I wish I could do that.
I know how you feel. I do.
Have a great weekend.
hyde-is,
6 whiskeys in 60 minutes!
The plot thickens!
Post a Comment