Dream-O-Meter (a la Hammer)

Well, of course there's a lot to say about Argentina and all. The trip is going great. I spent yesterday afternoon in Uruguay and tonight we're going to a party. But as I haven't had therapy in a few weeks, and this blog is my outlet, I need to process some other other stuff here. I'll write more about the trip when I have a few minutes.

What I really want to talk about-- I've been having some VERY strange dreams the past few nights! I usually don't remember my dreams, but lately, they've been crystal clear. I'm warning you-- two of them have to do with semen, so if you're not interested, don't read on.

DREAM No. 1:

I am in NY and not feeling well. I've been complaining to my mom for a few days that there's something wrong with me, but she keeps telling me I look okay to her. I try to ignore my general feeling of aches and fever and go about my daily schedule.

One night I'm hanging out with N. He decides to play a game--no surprise to me. Fairly routine. He wants to see how many times he can come in my mouth in one afternoon. We are laying around, watching TV, eating takeout and being bored. Every few minutes he jacks himself off or I give him a blow job. We make it up to 10-12 times.

The next day I'm feeling even worse. I'm running a high fever and I'm starting to sweat profusely. I go to the doctor. Nobody can figure out what's wrong with me. I go from doctor to doctor. I'm at all sorts of special clinics. The more time that goes by, the more sick I'm feeling, and my lips start to taste salty and the sweat starts to thicken. Finally, they send me to see some specialist. He tells me that it's not sweat, but semen and that I have a condition in which I've ingested more semen than my body is able to metabolize. He tells me that there's nothing I can do except to rest, stay of alcohol and cigarettes and wait for my body to process it out.

It continues to get worse and worse. It's now coming from every pore in my body. I'm literally covered in semen--dripping semen from everywhere. My hair is sticky and gross. I start to cry over this atrocious condition, and even the tears are made of semen. I can't get rid of it.

Then I woke up.

DREAM No.2:

In this dream, I have some kind of office job. I'm told I need to go on a business trip with male colleages. They're all older than I am-- in their 40's. We are supposed to be at some sort of convention and we're staying at some sort of cheap hotel.

One night we all go out for drinks at the hotel bar and then we go swimming in the pool. I remember thinking it's foolish to swim while drunk. The next day I'm in the hotel room with one of them men. I'm sharing a room with him. He tells me that I was flirting with him the night before. I deny it and he says I probably just don't remember.

He starts trying to touch me and I tell him that I'm not going to have sex with him.

"You OWE it to me!" he says.

I genuinely feel guilty and bad, because in my dream, I know that he's right. I ask him if we can come up with some sort of compromise. He asks for a blow job but I tell him that I don't want to do that. He's getting really annoyed. He says he'll settle for masturbating in front of me if he can come onto my face. I tell him that it's too intimate and that I don't want to. He asks if he can come onto my chest instead. He tells me that's his "final offer." I decide that it's fair and take off my shirt. He does his thing and that's the last thing I remember from that one.

DREAM No. 3:

This one was inspired, in part, I think, by the fact that Hammer and I had a little spat before I left, in part by a conversation Hammer had with the Wizard many months ago, and also by Mystic's impersonation of me on his blog.

I break it off with N but Hammer stays friends with him. I tell her I don't want her to talk to him, but she tells me that she's her own person and that it's not my business if she's friends with him or not. I'm really upset but there's not much I can do about it.

The next thing I know, I am at some kind of event-- an awards ceremony or something. It's some kind of black tie gala and NDN is my date. We take our seats in the auditorium and I notice that across the aisle, a few rows in front of us, Hammer is there with Narc and they are on a date. He has his arm around her. I get really upset. NDN says he's going to go talk to Hammer, to try to explain to her how I feel. I don't want N to see me though.

I duck down on my hands and knees in the small space in front of my seat while NDN goes over to Hammer. I can see Narc saying something like

"Whatever you have to say to her you can say in front of me! "

NDN is trying to lead Hammer outside. I get up from my hiding space, thinking I'm safe, but Narc sees me.

NDN and Hammer go outside and Narc grabs my arm.

"It's YOU, Hyde!" he says. "I should have known that YOU'd have something to do with this!"

I start to cry hysterically. I can't breathe and collapse onto the floor. He's standing straight above me staring down.

"Get up!" he's commanding. "Stop being hysterical! This is sucky! I hate when you get like this. Stop these antics right now."

I feel myself going into some kind of strange catatonic trance-like state. I can't move or speak, although I hear him. He starts shaking me. Then he grabs me by the ankle and starts dragging me towards the door. It hurts my leg.

We see NDN and Hammer talking outside. They are atop a huge white staircase, much like the one at the Public Library or the Met Museum.

"Get up, Hyde!" he says again. "That is, unless you can fly!"

He starts to drag me down the stairs. I feel my head pounding against each stone as we descend, but now it doesn't hurt. I do feel like I'm flying. I feel high as hell. My heart is fluttering.

NDN and Hammer start to chase after us. I don't remember the next bit, but I'm in some alley-way. It's just me and Narc.

"I love you, Hyde," he says. "It's just that I can't be with you. I already explained to you why. But you know that I love you, right?"

I feel myself melting out of my catatonic state. Suddenly Hammer is there and Narc leaves my side and goes over to her and he is trying to "win her over."

"Don't be an idiot," she says. "This was never what you thought! You know I love the Wiz!"

She walks over to me to see how I am. N looks wounded.

I don't remember the rest.


*****************

Anyway, you guys, we're leaving Buenos Aires on Sunday morning for Carilo-- a town on the coast. I don't think I'll have any internet there. So I may not be back for a while. We've got wild party plans for New Year's Eve. I hope I can make it after tonight's party and being run down and all. I am still so sad, but trying not to be.

My heart fucking hurts.

I miss you all and all of blogland!!!

:)

h

My Second Check-In

So, this is my second check-in from Argentina! In terms of N finding my blog, I've decided not to freak out and stress about it because I just don't want to live my life paranoid. I've been checking the sitemeter and as far as I can tell, he hasn't logged in again. (That is, unless he's signed in from someplace other than his home).

I know I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I can't help but think about all of that. I feel like I'm going through some kind of massive Narc-detox and the more days that go by without him, the more perspective I'm gaining on all this. All he does is write about other women on his blog. He doesn't want me. I don't know how I manage to keep myself so constantly deluded that he does. Anyway, all I ever do is talk about him, so on to another subject...

Argentina is amazing. I am a little run down and was running a fever last night, but that aside, I'm having a great time. And I'm having a great time sans-alcohol. I had a few drinks the other night, but it's been one full week since I've been drunk. Kind of weird...

Yesterday NDN and I had a "day of beauty" in the morning. The dollar is so strong here that we can afford total luxury. We went to a salon and got our hair done and manicures and pedicures and I had a waxing (which is done in a totally different way than in NY. Interesting...). Then we did some outdoor shopping on the "Florida"-- a massive pedestrian mall leading to the Plaza del Mayo at the center of town. Once there, I got to check out the Casa Rosada.

We walked outside for hours yesterday and I started to feel exhausted. I skipped our evening plans (due to my fever) and went to bed early.

Oh, I also have to note--Monday night we went out with NDN's Bolivian friends. They took us to the poorest neighborhood on the outskirts of town where we ate fried pork cracklings and bloated fat corn kernels in a makeshift restauant built out a garage. There were numerous skin and bones stray dogs wandering through the place and people dancing everywhere with paper napkins to stand in as makshift handkerchiefs. His friends have two small children who I loved--Mauri and Constanza. We may have dinner at their apartment again tonight and I'm looking forward to playing with the kids.

Fried pork aside, the food here is truly amazing. I'll have to do a whole blog entry on that when I get back. So despite the heat and the constant walking, I'm sure I'm going to put on a few pounds. Whatever... I'll deal with that when I get back.

This morning I had a full body massage. I usually don't do that kind of thing because I don't like strangers touching me (I know that sounds weird given my bouts of promiscuity, but I've got a lot of issues in that department). It was so relaxing though.

I'd go on a bit more, but I've got to meet NDN and his friend Marta for lunch in five minutes.

We're going to go check out some of the parks today and maybe an antique market. On Sunday we take off for Carilo--a resort town on the beach.

This place is great, but my heart is broken and I still have only one.

Hope you are all well!

Lol,

H

We've Arrived!

Guess what? NDN and I are sitting in a "locutoroio" in Buenos Aires!!!

We met at the airport last night at around 8:00 and took a 10:00 pm overnight flight. The flight was rough. We were cramped into an incredibly small space for 12 hours. When we first got on the plane we were hyper and screwing around with some oversized sunglasses and NDN's baseball hat. The woman in front of us got annoyed. She passed us a note asking us to keep it down. I would transcribe it for you here, but the note is back in the hotel.

Anyway, there's too much to do here for me to sit here and blog detail by detail. After checking into our hotel this afternoon, NDN walked me around his old neighborhood and showed me where he used to live. We had some amazing ice cream, changed some money and set off on an even longer walk--not easy for me in the sweltering heat, after a long plane ride with nothing to go on but ice cream. I hate the summer and I could feel the makeup melting off my face, my hair sticking to the back of my neck as we went.

That said, it was a nice walk with a lot to see. Buenos Aires strikes me as a strange combination of San Juan and London. Anyway, we made it towards the city center and went for a walk around the cemetary where I saw Eva Peron's grave and took a couple of beautiful pictures of the statues and tombs. I was getting exhausted though, so we rested for a while under the shade of a massive Cyprus tree.

After that, we had high tea at the Alvear Palace Hotel. It is the swankiest, stuffiest most beautiful hotel in the city. But the dollar is amazingly strong here and so we were able to share the whole experience for only about $10 each. (USD, of course). Then we continued to walk around the most expensive neighborhood, window shopping and strolling over to check out the Four Season's Hotel. Now we`re here in the "locutorio" (or telephone/internet shop), resting our feet and doing a little email checking.

Tonight we have plans to meet up with NDN's friend Enzo and his wife. NDN already bumped into two people he knows-- his former real estate broker and a Russian girl who works at the Orangerie--the tea room in the Alvear Palace.

As for my emotional state-- it's not great. I got into a fight with Hammer just before the trip and it has left me feeling very bad. On top of that, I sent Narc a "Merry Christmas" text, and he never replied. I'm sick of him and his victim complex. I'm sick of him courting other women as if they are worth it and as if I'm worth nothing. I just went to check his blog and his entire entry is about UNChick-- some girl that he dated a year ago. I am feeling weary of him and completely undervalued. I feel like he doesn't think I "count" for anything, and it's sucking the life out of me. Maybe this trip will be a turning point for me and for him.

Maybe it really will be a new year upon my return.

Senorita H

PS: Pardon the typos or strange symbols. The keyboard is a little different here. I'll have to clean it all up when I get home...

Trying to be Brave

I wanted to write a post about last Sunday's Lessons & Carols service, but I haven't had a chance to yet, and I suppose that it will have to wait until the New Year. I hope that I can hold it in my head until then. I learned something that evening about prayer. Maybe I'll write it out this week in my journal and then post it up when I get back.

I have very mixed feelings about continuing to blog, given the fact that Narc has found me out. I feel nauseated and violated-- as if I am dissolving at my borders. I feel as if I'm going to disappear if something very strong doesn't materialize to bind me back together. I used to feel safe here, but I don't anymore. And my normal response would be to withdraw from all of this--withdraw into myself. But I don't want to let anything take my blogging away from me, so I'm going to try to be strong. I'm going to try to be brave and proceed as if things were normal.

I went out drinking on Tuesday night and saw KHill & co. at the bar again. He didn't remember the urination incident, but he did try to kiss me. My left eye was swollen (I think from conjunctivitis), but FightingMensch thought I had been hit.

"Hyde, STOP FUCKING THAT GUY!" he said.

I didn't want to start in with them.

"It's just pink eye, whatever... Besides, FightingMensch, what do you care?"

"You think I don't care, Hyde? You think I don't care!"

He was drunk. Then he, KHill and their friend took off for Scores. A lovely bunch, they are.

I wanted to see Narc, so I texted him a few times and called him a few more times. I met a couple who were out drinking the night away because they were in the middle of "breaking up." I befriended the pair by sharing my cigarettes and ended up downing shots with them for quite some time. I don't remember the end of the night. I suppose I went home and passed out. When I woke up I had a few contacts from Narc--one a text message left at 2:19 am and then two voice mails left at around 5:30 am.

Out with CouchSleeper. Will call soon, read the text.

I have to say, I was surprised he updated me as to his whereabouts and I was also surprised that he followed it up with a phonecall. In retrospect, I view this as a direct response to what he read in my blog. (If you recall, my post Aching and Mistaking made a point of the fact that he never gets back to me. At least, if he had to read that, he turned out a positive behavioral response).

So, the next day, Wednesday, I rolled out of bed hungover and feeling like shit, but happy to be meeting B for our annual "Pre-Christmas" celebration. This was our seventh year doing it, although we had to modify the afternoon's plans due to the transit strike.

B came over at around 11:00 and we went out for Brunch. After that, we came back to my place and sang Christmas carols at the piano. He even did me the supreme favor of singing through the entire "If I Loved You" scene from Carousel. It's one of my favorite things in the whole wide world, and I'm so grateful that he sang it with me. At around 2:30 we set off on foot for the movies. We were going to see King Kong. I have to say, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I cried twice. After the movie we headed to a Chinese place for dinner (the same place where I ate with B and his girlfriend a month or so ago). While B was texting his girlfriend, I sent Narc a quick text:

Just saw Kong. Would you believe it? I cried!

To my delight, he answered me shortly thereafter:

Aww! Call you soon.

(So the improved contact continued...)

B and I finished up with dinner and he graciously walked me home. Back at my place, we watched an episode of the Simpsons, sat around and talked for a bit and then he took off at around 8:30.

Narc called me at around 9:30 and we stayed on the phone for about half an hour. Then he invited me down to his place. I told him I had to take care of a few things, but that I would be there soon.

I didn't end up getting there until around 11:00. Narc had been holed up in the house all day and wanted to get out.

"I don't want to end up drinking all night, though," I said.

"It's okay," he replied. "We don't have to stay for more than an hour or so..."

We set off for the Patriot, which seems to have become our new stomping grounds. Well, I don't have to tell you that a drink or two for an hour or so with me and Narc quickly turned into a drink or twelve for an hour or four. Everything was going on well enough until Narc started detailing his "dating life" over the past year. (We had been talking about what a year it's been, etc.)

"It started off with UNChick," he said. "Then I dumped her in January for PopStarChick. Then in March, I met the Exhibitionist on Nerve.com. Oh, and then there was Elizabeth, that NovelChick. I don't know how I always end up with these shallow self-absorbed girls," he said. "They all treat me like shit."

I felt my heart getting tight.

"Well, maybe it has something to do with you," I said.

"'Cause I'm a masochist?"

"What?" I tried not to laugh. "You're no masochist, Narc."

"Then what? I know what you're thinking, Hyde. That I'm shallow?"

"Maybe you are."

"I'm not."

"Okay, whatever."

I just wanted to end the conversation. You guys can imagine how I felt. I bit my lip as hard as I could and tried to swallow down over the choking feeling in my throat. I think that Narc knew he was hurting my feelings because there was a look on his face like he felt bad about what he was doing.

"C'mon, Hyde. Don't get all weepy on me now."

"I'm not getting weepy."

"Yes you are! I hate when you get like this--every time we go out drinking."

"That's not true," I protested. "Besides, what do you want from me, Narc?"

I got up and ran into the bathroom, the tears streaming down my cheeks. I stayed there for a few minutes, until I could get it to subside, flushing my cheeks with some water and taking deep breaths. Finally, I recomposed myself and went back out to the bar.

"Look, Hyde," he began, "This is why you can't be my girlfriend. You're just too emotional."

"What do you mean?"

"You are! You know you are. You can't change it. I wouldn't want to change that about you, but I can't be with you. That's why we're not together. It's not that I'm shallow."

My eyes were welling up again. I could see that he felt bad.

"Hyde..." He was softer now. "Come on... It's not like you don't have your guys! It's not like you can't get other guys. You have so many guys all the time."

"First of all, that's not true," I said. "But that's not the point."

"It is the point. You're fine! I know you're out there with other people--flirting with other people, sex, etc."

"That's not true! I'm not having sex with anyone. And I don't flirt. You know how I feel about you."

That's when he got upset.

"LIAR!" he yelled, accusingly. "You're a LIAR, Hyde! Just phone sex this week with someone called 'the Stallion!' And some guy urinating on your hand?"

My stomach dropped down to my ankles. My heart froze. My ears started to pound with a painful sort of pulsation.

"What?"

"Sex 13, 14 times in a row? I found your blog, Hyde."

I swear, I thought I was going to die. I blinked my eyes and it was hard to see--as if someone had just taken a picture of me with an extremely strong flash. I don't remember exactly what I said or in what order. But I felt like I had to die.

"That sex was in 2004," I said. "Before I met you." I started to feel my throat constricting. "I-- I can't. I can't. I'm never going to see you again, Narc! I can't be here anymore."

I felt myself going numb. Everything grew almost quiet around me with each breath and my face began to tingle. He tried to calm me down, telling me it wasn't that big of a deal, that he had hardly read any of it, that he still loved me. I cried harder and kept saying that I had to die. He grabbed me and put his hands around my head and pulled me into him and kissed me. I was seized and kissed, but still I couldn't feel it. I got up and ran out of the bar. I called Hammer.

I don't remember everything that happened next or what I said, but I told her that I was going to kill myself. This was around 2:00 am. I don't think that I meant it, but I just couldn't imagine what I was going to do next--I couldn't imagine existing-- living another minute. Hammer told me to stop drinking. She kept sending me texts telling me that I'm loved, trying to help me put it all in perspective. I went to an ATM and then just sat outside on the curb, on the street corner, drunk, crying and in the cold. Narc called me.

"Hyde, come back." he said.

I can't."

"Hyde, don't be silly. It's not a big deal," he said. "I love you. So, come back."

I don't remember when or why, but I did go back to the bar. We were at the bar until at least 4:00 or 4:30 am. I don't remember getting home.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt sick to my stomach the minute I opened my eyes. I was laying in bed next to him, naked, our clothes in the living room. I didn't know all of what happened. I only knew that I had to run away.

I had bought Narc a Christmas present and wrapped it with a card. He hadn't opened it yet, but it was sitting on his living room table and I saw it there as I gathered my things to leave. The card read:

Dear Narc,

I'm not quite sure how to say what I want to say in this card. I guess I just wanted to tell you how deeply you've impacted my life since I met you and that I care about you very much. You are an incredible person and you continue to impress me with your sensitivity and intelligence. Yet, somehow I can't help but feel that I don't know the half of it. Despite the fact that in many ways you are still a "mystery" to me, there are moments in which I'm certain that I "see you." (Sometimes I even see myself in you, as different as we are). I don't know... I just love learning you.

As for the New Year, I have absolute faith that this year can be what you want it to be. Things may not always go according to "plan," or according to our timetables, but that doesn't mean that your happiness won't surprise you around the corner. I see a life in you-- that energy waiting to be tapped. This depression will NOT last forever; I promise you that. Things are going to "click" for you, and I hope to see the magic that happens when they do.

Anyway, I know that our relationship is a little strange and undefined, but that doesn't change how you are in my heart. And I want you to know that if you ever need me, I will be there for you. I promise you that.

I value your friendship more than you know.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All my love,
Hyde

Now, leaving his apartment, I felt as if things had changed. I left him another note:

Obviously, I wrote this card before last night. I feel a little foolish now, but I'm leaving it anyway. I'm sorry and I will miss you.

Merry Christmas.

Love you Always,

Hyde

I came home, moved my blog to a new address and crawled into bed. I reemerged at around 3:30 and went to the diner to eat banana pancakes (strangely, the only food I ever wanted when I was pregnant). Narc called me just before I left the house.

"Where'd you go?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I just got up and I rolled over and I wanted to fuck you, but you were gone."

"I had to leave," I said. "What are you up to?"

(This conversation felt surreal).

"I thought I was going to be hanging out here, ordering in food, watching TV and being with you," he answered. "But I guess I'm just here marinating."

"You're what?"

"Marinating."

"Marinating in what?"

"Marinating in my own juices, I guess."

"Okay... Well, I have to go to class."

"What are you doing after class?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"Wanna come down then?"

"Um, I guess."

"Okay, so give me a call when you get out of class."

I never went to class. I couldn't. But I wrote to Narc:

Life is absurd, no? I'm eating banana pancakes & drinking tea. I have to pack and do laundry tonight. If you want to see me, you may have to come to me...

A few minutes later, he opened his gift.

Aww, it's a penguin! I love him, he wrote.

Hyde: Yay! I thought he was beautiful & that you should have him. :) I'm skipping class today. Need the downtime.

Narc: Shall we get together then?

Hyde: Here? You could come up but I have to do laundry & pack. If I get it all done we could relocate to you...

Narc: Pack etc first, then call.

Back at my place, I was too exhausted for words--simply physically and emotionally drained. I decided to call back Liu. My phone was almost out of battery so I plugged it into the wall and lay down on the living room floor, next to my cat, amongst the pine needles in the shade of my Christmas tree. Liu and I talked for quite some time. When we hung up, I stayed motionless on the floor. I sent Narc a text:

So tired. No more boozing! Was on the phone w/my friend in TX. No energy to do what I have to do!

Then I called him.

"Narc, I'm having scheduling issues," I said.

"What's the problem?"

"I'm too tired to pack and do laundry. But I can't come see you until they're done."

"So get a move on!" he exclaimed.

"I can't..."

Finally, I decided that I would just squish all my errands into Friday.

"Okay, okay. I'll come down and see you now, I said."

I felt like shit, so I threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I wasn't wearing a bra and my hair was still unbrushed from when I had rolled out of his bed and run from his house that morning.

I should have known better than to try to catch a cab in rush hour. The transit strike had just ended, but service had not returned to normal, and the streets were clogged. While I was waiting on the corner, coat clutched in my hands, a man walked up beside me and brushed against my shoulder.

"Hey, Hyde!"

I looked up. It was KHill. He was all dressed up in work clothes and a beautiful long coat. I was embarrassed.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. Still recovering from last night," I said. "And going to meet a friend."

KHill said he had left his phone at home but was trying to get in touch with FightingMensch.

"You don't have his number, by any chance?" he asked.

"Actually, I do. I have it saved in my phone."

"Can I borrow your phone to call him?"

"Yeah, sure."

I felt really uncomfortable. It was strange for me to see him not drunk. His eyes looked different, but nice. I'm definitely crushing on him, though. But he's a cad...no good for me, so I'll leave it at that.

KHill asked if he would see me around later.

"Maybe, but probably not tonight," I said.

Finally a cab came around. Because of the transit strike, cabs were allowed to pick up multiple passengers. I squeezed in next to two other women. There was another in the front seat.

The trip that ensued was really fucking insane. Normally it takes about half an hour via cab to get from my place to Narc's. This time it took an hour and twenty minutes! Another of the women was heading to Tribeca, and we ended up bonding. She is Israeli and just had her first novel published in the spring. She's here in NY trying to get it published in translation. It was very interesting to talk to her. And she was fascinated by my family connections to Jerusalem, my ethnic background, etc.

When I got to Narc's, he was lounging on the couch. (Just sitting there 'marinating,' I suppose). I sat down next to him. Neither one of us mentioned the whole blog fiasco. I saw that he had put my card to him up next to a Thanksgiving card he had received from his mother. Narc flipped through the channels. Star Trek VI was on and he wanted to watch it. I've never seen anything "star trek" at all, so he explained the characters to me. He lay down and I lay in his lap. Before long, we were having sex. Afterwards he fell asleep, and I lay on top of him with my head on his stomach. It was my favorite moment in quite some time. While he slept, I flipped through the channels and found that the second half of my soap (One Life to Live) was on SoapNet. I couldn't have been happier. (Well, I could have, had this whole blog thing not happened, but you know what I mean...)

When he woke up, he suggested that we do something to get out of the house.

"Yeah, but what?" I asked. "I don't want to go drinking again. I feel like shit."

"I don't know... What else is there to do? I'm craving a jack and coke."

"You're craving? That can't be good Narc."

"Yeah, I know. I always say I'm not an alcoholic because I don't wake up craving it, but today I kind of did."

"Well, by your definition, I'm not an alcoholic either, but isn't there some huge kind of checklist of symptoms? I know that they say blacking out is bad and I black out a lot."

"Oh, whatever," he said. "Americans are such Puritans. Blacking out doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. It means you drank too much one time."

"So I guess we have nothing to worry about?"

We both laughed, but I, of course, don't believe that I have nothing to worry about. I wonder if he's worried about himself in that regard as well.

Since neither of us could think of anything else to do in our weary disheveled condition, we set off, once again, for the Patriot. I vowed not to drink, and I didn't. I spent the evening sipping diet cokes watching Narc get tipsy.

Once he had a few drinks, he woke up the elephant in the room.

"You really don't have to take down your blog, you know," he said.

My heart tensed.

"Let's just leave it alone," I said softly. "I don't feel comfortable leaving it where it was."

"It's not like I'm going to read it!" he insisted. "I can't lie. I never lie. I'm incapable of it. And I'm telling you, I have no interest in reading your blog! I don't read personal blogs."

(I thought of a few lies he had told me... quite a few on that list!)

"It doesn't matter," I said. "I don't feel safe there. Besides, if you didn't want to read it, you wouldn't have read it."

"I just stumbled on it, Hyde."

"How? I cleared my history."

"You didn't clear your cache. It just popped up when I was typing in an address. I told you, I only read two paragraphs or something."

"Not, so, Narc. You knew information from the past three posts."

"I did?"

"You did."

"Well, I'm never going to go to that page again."

"I would know if you did, anyway," I said. "I found your IP address. I saw that you went there three times just yesterday. You didn't just stumble on it once at my house."

He didn't really say anything for a few minutes. He looked sad.

"Yeah, but you said you post every day. It's important to you. It's silly for you to take it down."

(So, now he felt bad?)

"It's your outlet, Hyde."

"It's over, Narc. Whatever."

"What does the name 'Narc' mean anyway?" he asked. "How'd I get that name? It's such a bad name."

"I really don't want to talk about this," I said. "I made the name up so long ago. Right when I met you. Before I even knew you."

"I should change your name and give you a bad name," he muttered.

("Like you've even ever posted a word about me!" I wanted to say)

"So you're mad at me, then?" I asked.

"No, I'm not mad, Hyde. I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad?"

I wanted to cry. I didn't say a word.

"It's just, I'm sure that I don't come across very well on that thing, that's all," he said.

"Really? Why would you say that?"

It was a strange moment--Narc half acknowledging that this relationship/non-relationship might not reflect so well on him.

"I don't know," he said. "Just a feeling, I guess."

"Look, let's change the subject," I said. "I'm not mad at you; you're not mad at me. I'm just really hurt right now."

"But, I don't get it!" he protested. "Why do you have so many secrets anyway?"

"I don't have secrets, Narc! What do I do with my life? Get up, go teach, go to class, go to Cheers, go see you... that's it. You know my whole life."

"That's more than I do," he laughed. "But then why the secrecy?"

"It's just that I'm a very private person. There are pieces of me that it's incredibly difficult for me to share...with anyone! The blog allows me to share them with the security of anonymity. I mean, it's not that I don't trust you. It's just that... Well, you said it yourself--I'm emotional, right? If I exposed every last part of myself, I'd be so vulnerable. The hurt that others could inflict on me could literally destroy me. I have to protect myself by keeping some pieces for myself. That's what goes up on the blog. The pieces that I need an outlet for. It's not all of me! Just the parts that need some sorting through. And that's all."

"So then why do your friends know about it?"

"They don't."

"Hammer does."

"Hammer was there when I started it. But even with Hammer, we had a miscommunication this summer due to the blog giving a skewed perspective of things. She was in DC and the blog was her main source of info for me and it fucked things up. Don't you remember that?"

I felt queasy and tense.

"Narc, let's just drop it. The END, okay?"

"Okay. But I'm just saying-- If you don't want to, you don't have to take it down."

I didn't answer. I just stared straight ahead at the lights reflecting off of a row of whiskey bottles.

The rest of the night was sweet, but I couldn't get over the feeling of unease. Everything, for me, was underscored with pain and mistrust. We were up late--until around 3:00 am or so, and we got hungry again. We shared Narc's leftover sesame chicken and watched Conan O'Brien.

When it was time to get into bed, Narc asked me if I had noticed any water in the bed the night before.

"Water?"

"Yeah-- the bed is mysteriously soaked. It's not drying, and I can't figure out what it's from."

I went to investigate. It was, indeed really strange. The bed was pretty soaked, but it wasn't in the area of the bed you would expect it to be if it were from bodily fluids. It extended up to the pillows, and it was definitely clear and water. But neither of us had even had any water in the bedroom! I had no idea, as I had blacked out the end of the night, but Narc said he was sure there was no water brought into the room. He told me that a few days before he had also had a strange incident with water in the bedroom. There was a pool of water under the bed, but again, no sign of how it got there. The whole thing freaked me out. I felt like it was some weird spiritual thing. I felt strange getting into bed that night. He assured me it would be okay, though, and pulled me close.

I woke up in the middle of the night, being "poked." It was nice, though, because I didn't have all of the tension on my mind and could have sex more freely. We fell asleep again together and woke up and had more sex in the morning.

I didn't stick around all that long, though, because I had a lot to do today.

Now I'm getting ready to take of for Long Island for Christmas. If I don't get to post again until Argentina, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

I feel like I wrote this whole long post but that it was all fact and no analysis. In truth, I don't know how to feel about all of this. I just need to clear my head. I just need the time and space to process... So, that's it for now. I hope he doesn't find this and read it.

lots of love,
h

The Annals at One

Narc found my blog. He found it and I can't believe it. But as I already wrote this post out yesterday, and as this is the one year anniversary of when it all began, I might as well round things out and post this... Here it goes:

The Year in Review:

(This may be my last post for a while, as I'm going to be in Argentina until January 4th. That is, unless I find time to update tomorrow or over Christmas weekend!)

What a year it's been!

(Oh, and how life has been made lovely on a year of constant sleep deprivation!)

I won't hesitate to say that this has been one of the most difficult years I've yet lived. But here I am, another year older and wiser. Yes, in many respects I'm the same girl who began this blog last December 22nd "On One Hour of Sleep" But in countless ways, I've changed.

The second half of 2004 wasn't easy either. Last December, I was date-raped the night before my birthday party and dumped by Narc six days later. Was it a sign of what was to come? Or how I would choose to conduct myself over the next 12 months?

Well, the year is over and done with. But I can't quite "scrap it." So much of the pain has left me permanently marked. So much of life will never be the same. What hurt the most this year? The big three: my brother's accident (he was left permanently brain damaged and without the use of the right side of his body) my pregnancy* and its termination in June (I'm still not ready to explore the multi-layered impact it has had on my psyche), and my ever-continuing struggle with alcohol.

*(I know I never explicitly stated on this blog that I was pregnant, although it probably wasn't too hard to guess if you were a reader back in the first half of June. It was just too difficult for me to talk about in plain language. But I now have the distance of six months, and since this is like my diary, why should I be afraid to be candid?)

In any case, My brother will never, ever be the same. It remains to be seen whether or not he will be able to function with any measure of independence. The pregnancy? I still don't want to delve into my feelings on that one. But it made things a hell of a lot more complicated between me and Narc. And the alcohol-issues? I can't give up on that. It leaves me with an ongoing challenge for the New Year.

That said, although this year has been difficult, it hasn't been uniformly bad. Just as I had the "bad" big three, I also have the good-- Hammer, NDN and B. I strenghtened the bonds of my friendship with Hammer, I forged an entire friendship with NDN, and B and I are still plowing forward and evolving our friendship along with our lives. Those three have become my "constants" on a daily basis and I'm eternally grateful for them.

And let's not forget--It has also been the year of the blog! I've met all of you and thrived on your words. There were moments at which, I've grown obsessed with blogging and it's changed my life in ways that are hard for me to qualify.

However, more than anything, this year has been marked by the ups and downs of my relationship with Narc. Perhaps foolishly so, Narc has been reference point, my center, and a compass for my happiness. It has truly been the "Year of the Narc," for better or for worse.

And so, that's where I begin... With a summary of all things Narc.

Feel like a flashback, anyone?

The Year in Narc:

• December, 2004: I plead with Narc for something more than drunken late night sex-sessions. We break up.
• January, 2005: We get back together in the second half of the month; (Apparently, he was dating PopStarChick for the first half!) We go out "in public" together for the first time ever and he tells me that he "adores me."
• February, 2005: At Bar & Books Narc tells me that he loves me so much but that we're "bad for each other." He comes back to my place and we spend Valentine's Day together, although he masturbates in front of Anxious and doesn't give me a gift in exchange for mine. We got to the Whitney together and walk through the Gates project in the park. Later, he stands me up for the opera (followed by the best violent sex ever!) and kicks me out of the house the night of my brother's accident.
• March, 2005: I feel like I'm in a "cold crater." Narc and I aren't seeing each other, although we continue to drunk-text and drunk-call. I start to see the Stallion again. Narc calls me for comfort one night though. When I try to help, he tells me he just want sme to come over so he can "come in my mouth." Narc starts hanging out with the Exhibitionist.
• April, 2005: Early in the month, Narc tells me he's "off the alcohol and off the radar." Late in the month, Narc shows up at my place while I have the Stallion in the bedroom. I tell the Stallion to stay there, and then open up the pull-out couch and sleep with Narc in my living room, apologizing to the Stallion the next day. Narc tells me that he loves me but that he needs "to process," but then tells me that he's "not in a position to treat me well" and that I should "move on."
• May, 2005: The Stallion tells me that he "loves me," but I don't care. I love Narc, so I stop seeing the Stallion. I go to Narc's place for the first time in months. I dye my hair black and tell Narc that he broke my heart. We start spending more and more time together. I'm madly in love and tell him so. He tells me he "wants to make it up to me," but that he has a "steel plate" around his heart. We meet up with Hammer and the Wizard for burgers and later in the week for a dinner party. However, the last night of the month, we fight and he leaves me drunk, lost and alone in the street.
• June, 2005: I discover that I'm pregnant and Narc and I have a serious talk about our "relationship." We go through the whole process together, and although he's acting strange, I feel closer to him than ever. That said, I'm pretty emotionally fucked up by the whole experience. In the second half of the month, Narc and I have a violent fight. It gets really bad and I end up bruised. He insults me but then later cries to me that he loves me. The next day he pretends that none of it happened. At the end of the month, he kicks me out of his house for the Exhibitionist and breaks my heart. I decide to try to break it off. He yells at me that we are "NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!" I cry.
• July, 2005: For the first half of the month, NDN and Oc comfort me in my heartbreak. Even so, I start seeing Narc again, and he apologizes for the Exhibitionist thing. He's trying to keep his emotional distance, though and tells me that "blow jobs don't count as sex." We watch Wuthering Heights together.
• August, 2005: I decide to throw caution to the wind and indulge in my feelings of love, reveling in each kiss with him. I bring him a present back from California. But I'm drinking too much and have a few blackout episodes in which I end up with mysterious bruises in the morning. Things are definitely tense between us. By the end of the month we have our worst fight ever and things get too violent. It's one of the most difficult nights of my life and I'm freaked out. I decide I can't do it anymore.
• September, 2005: Narc goes to Europe for the month, but calls me before he goes. I think about him every day, but he never calls or writes.
• October, 2005: Narc returns but doesn't contact me for 10 days. He ignores my initial texts to him and then halfway through the month writes me a 1-word text: Back. A few nights later I get some drunk-dials from him, I call him back, and by the 20th, we are reunited with a long phone call. We start seeing each other again and I feel more in love than ever. He tells me he loves me too, over and over. (yay!)
• November, 2005: Narc and I continue to see each other more regularly than ever before. I still feel in love with him, although I am confused by my feelings for B and my date with MuscleGuy. I wish Narc would give me something stable to hold on to, but he is still witholding and difficult to pin down. He tells me he "never said we're not in a relationship."
• December, 2005: Narc and I continue to spend more and more time together, although he continually frustrates me by ignoring my texts for days on end. We still fight and he tells me he's "not boyfriend material." Even so, things seem to be going well. I spend at least half of each week with him. He texts me more and more frequently about mundane things (which I love) and he spends my entire birthday weekend and the following weekend with me.

Where will things go from here? Who the hell knows?

The Year in History:

While I rarely talk about my professional life or my school work on the blog, any student of history knows that whatever you're studying provides an eerie sort of backdrop--a sounding board for the rest of your life. Whether you're esconsced in the Russian Revolution or the Lutheran Reformation can have a big impact on your temperament, desires, and interpretation of personal events. As such, I thought I'd make note of my historical infatuations of the year:

• Fall/Winter, 2004: It was all about the Weimar!
• January-March, 2005: Hmm...Still Weimar. After a class on German Modernist painting last fall, I read the George Grosz autobiography in January and became obsessed with his Lustmord paintings. Weimar, Weimar, Weimar and Wagner! (I was brainstorming a paper on Wagner and the political left. The proposal got nixed by Prof PP.)
• March-May, 2005: I'd have to give it to post-WWII reconstruction. I was into that book, Jazz, Rock and Rebels that I read for class, and I was brainstorming my Adorno paper. Besides, it's the age of Elvis. Need I say more?
• May-September, 2005: I returned to my Victorians after hearing a lecture by Thomas Lacqueur, getting psyched for the Spiritualist photography exhibit at the Met (which I never got to see!)
• September-December, 2005: This semester has definitely been dominated by the emotional impact of the assigned readings for my Holocaust class. Without a doubt. It was rough.

A Year of Adventures at Cheers (and Manchester):

I got about halfway through this part of the post, when I deleted it, realizing it was ridiculous to attempt. There are so many random nights, random characters and random stories that I can't quantify them here! Oh well...

A Year of Comments!

My Dear Commenters:

My very first blogland visitor was Hammer, of course, as it was thanks to her that I began this whole crazy enterprise. But not counting friends and family from my "real life" before the blog, here's the order in which I met you:

Flash left me a comment on January 20th. I was hurt by Narc and turned off the heater as I left his house one frozen morning. Flash approved, writing:

Liked the bit where you turned the heater off!

(Thanks Flash! And thanks for being my first!)

Dan joined me on February 4th , also commenting on the subject of Narc. Narc had just left me a typically drunken message. And Dan asked,

As an ignorant guy, can I ask why you put up with a "whole lot" of abuse from anyone? Is Narc a celebrity or something? What's the point of a relationship if it's truly abusive?

(Well, Dan, Narc isn't a celebrity unless you read "The Annals of Mr. Hyde!")

Sunshine chimed in on February 6th , thanking me for having visited her. She said:

Thanks for the support on my blog! I'm really not always this much of a downer. I'll try to keep in touch.

(Sunshine-- you were right. You usually cheer me up!)

My crew stayed pretty solid until April when Charby joined us on April 8th . Charby has always urged me to be tough! I was depressed and frustrated and angry. She wrote:

Hey. Just popped by and I really hope things go ok with your bro. What you need is a punchbag to take it all out on, preferably not a real person! The first step to change is realising that there's something needing change. Hoping things start to go right or you get a break soon to chill

(Well, things still haven't been going quite right, but I do appreciate the support!)

On July 5th, I heard from Chapstick. I was grappling with a text from Narc that said "Back from fireworks, got your message. If you think it's possible to hang out as friends we can discuss that... Else we're probably done. Let me know..." Chapstick's advice?

Same from me here, don't even think of doing it Hyde, you don;t need any more of the shit that he gave you.

(Don't need it, but I've got it... And who am I kidding? I kind of love it...)

The very next day, I first heard from Spinsterwitch. Narc had caved and drunk-dialed me multiple times. Her wise advice?

Never, never respond to a drunk dialer...it only encourages the behavior and is usually fatal.

(Spins-- I said it to you then, and I'll say it again! I could have used your advice a year ago. My entire relationship with Narc was founded on drunk dialing!!!)

On July 7th, I met LavaLady. She and I were both broken hearted this summer and she brought her empathy to my blog.

Oh Hyde, my thing almost ended one year to the day of our first date, but I couldn't bring myself to end it until two weeks later. He lurked on my blog yesterday, and now I feel like I'm back to square one. "He paid some attention to me! It's love!", man, I'm pathetic. But a year is a year and love is love, so it takes more than a couple of weeks to get over it. I miss him. Your pictures of wig guy make me want to dig up my wigs. I think I will...

(It was good to know I wasn't alone!)

On July 20th, I met the mysterious Nick. He seems to have a thing for NDN, pointing it out in his very fist comment:

I agree with NDN, he always seems to have good advice. I wish I had such a good friend live right next door to me. With all of the hijinxes you two get into it sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

(Well, Nick-- you're right about that!)

Two days later on July 22nd, I had my first sighting of Mystic! His advice?

atta boy keep up the debauchery!

(Whether or not you meant it, but you can't say I didn't follow your advice!)

In mid-August, I was having a blogging-crisis and decided to take down my blog. It took such a drastic measure to drag Sarah from the lurkers! She left me a comment on August 17th.

Hyde, I will be sorry to see your blog go. Ever since I stumbled upon it i have really looked forward to reading your posts- they get me through the work day! Even though we have really different circumstances, I identify with so many of your feelings and experiences. Overall, it just really makes me realize how much we are all the same. hope this isn't too weird - i guess it's what the internet is all about. good luck with everything. sarah

(Sarah, your comment was very meaningful to me, as have been our communications since then!)

SwissToni stopped by a few days later, on August 21st and left me a long one! I was still upset about the situation with Hammer and unsure of whether to leave my blog up or take it down. I decided to put it back up. He wrote:

I am pleased to see you're back. I was a bit miffed when I added your feed, only to see that the first update I got was you signing off!I know what you mean about blogs though. I'm not exactly anonymous on mine, and several of my friends read it, but there are some things that I choose not to talk about... most of them family related... because although I can handle many things, I think it's better that some things stay out of the public domain for now (and my sister-in-law can rest safe on the assumption that I can stand the sight of her). My girlfriend often says she finds out what's really going on in my head from my blog. On the one hand that's sad, but on the other hand it is a valuable outlet for my thoughts and emotions that I clearly am unable to vocalise. I'm glad you're back.

ST

(I have to say-- I'm glad too!)

Finally, this fall, I added a few new friends. On October 18th, Alecya G came out of hiding to thank me for visiting her and to comment on great literature. (Great literature besides this blog, that is).

Hi Hyde! I was so happy you came to visit me. Your is the first blog I read...so I am a fan, as it were. Have you read the Brother's Karamasov? I think you might like it. One of my favorite parts has a character talking about how man chooses to be evil but is still in love with god and the idea of purity. Dan- you're thinking of 'Paradiso' in the Divine Comedy. It has three parts, Paradiso, Purgatory and Inferno. Most people never read the other two prts though, because (as my favorite enlglish teacher put it) no one cares about paradise, we want to skip strait to hell.

Just this month on December 2nd, as I was musing over whether or not to accept a date from MuscleGuy, Radmila came by and left me an earload of advice. How gracious of her to ask if I minded!

Hmmm, I've never been one to be accused of being overly tactful when it comes to sharing what I think....soooooo... I'm not saying anything unless I get the ok from you Hyde... and if you don't like what I have to say, I won't be offended if you delete my comment. Your relationship with Narc totally smacks of my relationship with my first serious boyfriend. I gave up many an opportunity to spend time with decent men, to stand stood up for hours waiting for him in a subway station thinking that he might show the minute I leave. Anyhow, that's ancient history... what I want to know is do you want to know what I think. If you don't, that's all good too. :)

I agreed to hear her out. If you want to know what she said, check back to that post!

So that's that.

I know we've had our share of momentary quarells and "comments-wars" along the way, but any real family bickers. And I want to thank you all for being a family to me over the past year. Like I said, this year has been very difficult, and it's been amazing to have a sounding board like this blog and real warm people out there, like all of you, to share my life with. :)

The Year in Numbers:

SEX, LOVE & NARC:
Number of Narc break-ups: 4
Number of Occassions on which Narc has said that He Loves Me: 13
Number of People (not Narc) who have Declared Romantic Love for Me: 3
Number of Sexual Partners: 4
Number of Guys I've Kissed: 9
Number of Girls I've Kissed: 1 (Wait-- no! She kissed me!)

NIGHT-LIFE HYDE:
Number of alcoholic beverages consumed (estimate): 2,080
Number of Strangers I've brought home (but not necessarily for sex!): 11

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
Number of deaths in the family: 1
Number of births (friends of the family): 1
Number of Weddings attended: 1
Number of Engagements Announced: 1
Number of Trips I've taken out of the tri-state area: 3

WORK:
Number of books read (estimate): 80
Number of classes taught: 96
Number of Term Papers Graded: 320
Number of "incomplete" racked up: 3
Number of Voice Lessons (estimate): 80

FRIENDS:
Number of times I've been in conflict with or irritated by Anxious: 7
Number of times I've had a major cathartic cry with B: 9
Number of times I've smoked up with NDN:9
Number of "culture nights" with Hammer (we need to improve this!): 8
Number of good friends who have moved away: 1 (I miss you VJ!)


The Year in Song:
I wrote this for SwissToni's "Earworms of the Year" post, but I liked it, and figured I'd include it here too... (The rule was to pick five songs. I picked six.)

This list was incredibly hard to compile, as the year has been filled with all sorts of deliciously wonderful music. Hell, my entire life is filled with music...constant music. What's interesting is that I never realized how much of the mundane stuff that worms its way into becoming an "ear worm" is so closely intertwined with the emotional unfolding of my relationship with Narc. Over the past few months, several songs in particular have surfaced and resurfaced as dramatic reference points.

January-February:
Take My Breath Away, Berlin

In mid-January, Narc and I were just starting to reforge a bond, after a December break-up and a few awkward early January "one-night-stands." I was at his place one beautiful snowy evening, learning how to play "Resident Evil" and later watching Top Gun with him, when he asked if I wanted to get out of the house and go for a drink. We were both in a good mood, laughing at the ubiquitous presence of the "Take My Breath Away" theme every single time Kelly McGillis appeared. But even so, I wasn't prepared for his offer to leave the house. You see, after six months of "seeing each other," it was to be our first evening rendezvous outside of his apartment (aside from the night we met). It was a big deal. (All that is included in my January 23rd post). From that night forward, the Top Gun theme made me happy. If I randomly heard it, the "Narc I'm in love with" would mentally materialize only to give me butterflies in the stomach. Of course, good times rarely last between the two of us, and by mid-February things were awkward again. Shortly after Valentine's day (see my 2/18 post), I tried to win a return phone call by reminding him of that song and that night.

I sent him a text:
Are you out tonight, or home being productive? I'm out & have had a few. Trying to decide whether to go home or not. (Top Gun theme on radio makes me think of u!)

He didn't answer me until 3:30 in the morning, but at least I got his attention! Later on in the year I downloaded the song as a ring-tone. It wasn't a good idea though. This summer we had some rough times, and every time my phone rang it would literally "take my breath away." My stomach would knot up and I'd want to cry. It was definitely a form of self-punishment.

March-May:
All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You, Heart

This is a favorite jukebox song for me. IrishBird (my bartender) and I played it incessently on weeknights, when business was slow, all throughout the first part of the year. We'd take turns belting out the verses and on the chorus, we would break into harmony as she bounced around behind the bar, impressing all of the aging bar-flies. She has an amazing voice-- a strong raspy country/pop voice, unlike mine which is a soprano and is much more suited to classical music, torch songs and show tunes. As such, I can sing much higher than she can, so we both appreciated the other's skills on this number. I think this song is a gem, as I love a song that tells a good story. However, the very story therein triggered a rather difficult discussion (and yet another fight) between me and Narc on the last night of May. That night, I played this song on the jukebox at Narc's favorite Tribeca pub. It was the overture to an incredibly difficult and emotional chapter in my year.

June-August:
One Night in Bangkok, Murray Head

Although One Night in Bangkok is the song, it is not Murray Head who I hear in my head! For me, this song is a classic when performed at karaoke by none less than PumpedUp (the owner of my local bar) and BarMan (another bartender/friend). Usually PumpedUp only has the gumption to sing when his patrons are wasted beyond belief. He whips it out at nearly closing time and it's always absolutely hysterical. Narc and I were drunk and dumbfounded the first time we heard this particular duet in mid-June (on the night detailed in my June 21st post). That ended up being one of the most intense nights of my entire year-- wait-- of my entire life! Of course, the intensity was not due to the notably stellar karaoke performance, but rather, what unfolded afterwards. Narc and I had a horrible fight which is blurred in my memory, although I still have two scars from the occassion, so I can't forget it. The episode was followed by some very heightened "making up" and an emotional fusing from which I have not yet emerged. Typically, the next day, Narc nonchalantly pretended to remember nothing of what had occurred. Even so, "One Night in Bangkok" became a sort of inside joke for us-- we laugh, but the memory masks something much darker. The song has been somewhat disassociated from that difficult night, as they now sing it at my bar all the time. It's inescapable! In August, I downloaded the tune onto my cell phone, but decided that it was even more punishing and masochistic than barraging myself with "Take My Breath Away," so I got rid of it in September when Narc and I were no longer speaking.

Just a few weeks ago, I went to hear BarMan play live (I posted about it on 12/6) and he did an acoustic version of "One Night in Bangkok." It blew my mind. Even though Narc was playing "hard to get" and ignoring my texts, I couldn't resist sharing it with him.

Unbelievable! An acoustic "One Night in Bangkok!" A true atrocity!, I said.

He never answered my text, but we laughed about it the next time I saw him.

September-October:
The Taker, Kris Kristofferson/ I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston

I just couldn't decide between these two songs, so I'm breaking the rules and including them both. I was obsessed with “The Taker” for all of September when Narc was in Europe and we were "over." (In fact I posted the lyrics on my blog on September 14th). I was still in "breakup music" mode, but I was done with the sappy "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" stuff. Now I craved angry victim music-- Janis raging and crying in her "Piece of my Heart," Kris Kristofferson angrily shaking his head at the gall of "the Taker."

"'Cause he's a taker, he'll take her
To places and make her
Fly higher than she's ever dared to
He'll take his time before takin' advantage
Takin' her easy and slow
And after he's taken the body and soul
That she gives him, he'll take her for granted
Then he'll take off and leave her
Takin' all of her pride as he goes"

Fuck Narc! Right? I was done with him in September. At least I tried to be. We reunited in October.

My second pick for this month, I Will Always Love You, could not be left off my list. I could have included it in virtually any month, as it's my signature karaoke song. (Remember--don't blame me, I'm a soprano, and it's a rare pop song that allows me to show off my upper range!) Over the past year, I must have sung this in public at least a hundred times, if not more. It's constantly in my head; I hum it while drunk in cabs, jetting across the city; and I have to admit, I love it, even though I know it's incredibly cheesy. I'm including it here because it made quite a splash in October on the weekend before Halloween. Let me tell you-- it was quite a sight to see NDN dressed as me for Halloween, stumbling drunk onto the stage at Cheers, impersonating me doing this song. (I posted about it on October 31st). He sang every dip and whisper in the way that I do it, and I believe he won himself a mini-fan-club that night. Even though I was running a fever, sober and cranky watching that performance, it was fun to be able to laugh at myself, too.

November-December:
Daddy Sang Bass, Johnny Cash

Oddly enough, this song seems to have followed me over the past six years from relationship to relationship. I was first turned on to Johnny Cash by a guy I dated in college. He loved to sing, although he was certainly no singer! He could clumsily strum the guitar, though, and he liked to hear me sing, constantly requesting this song. We would sing the verses together and on the chorus he would cry out "Daddy sang bass!" waiting for me to answer "Mama sang tenor!" I loved singing it, and I love the feeling of "family" and continuity radiating from this song. In the years I was with B, I regularly popped Johnny Cash into the CD player on road trips. B now replaced my earlier boyfriend, declaring "Daddy Sang Bass!"

Anyway, as you guys know, I saw "Walk the Line" in November (which I posted about on November 18th) and it prompted me to dust off my "Johnny Cash: Greatest Hits." "Daddy Sang Bass" was back in my life. Shortly thereafter, Narc and I started frequenting a country bar called The Patriot (perfect for its cheap Jack Daniels--I mean it-- they sell the stuff at unheard of low prices for New York City). The jukebox there is filled with Cash and Presley and whenever we're there, I find myself in heaven with a tumbler of whiskey and some crumpled dollar bills. Several times over the past few weeks, I've hooked the jukebox up with "Daddy Sang Bass." The first time Narc heard it, he thought it was strange, and then later, amusing. He has since started to chime in on the bass part (although he's also not a singer). I get to belt back at him in my best drunken country cry "Mama Sang Tenor!" all over again. As such, it's been stuck in my head on and off for the past few weeks...

And so I leave you with this:

If anyone is as in much of a mood for procrastinating as I usually am, and you care to back-read at all, I think that these were the most bizarre episodes of the year:

• When the police burst into Narc's bedroom back in January
• When I had Narc and the Stallion over here at the same time in April

It has been quite a year, hasn't it? Thank you all for reading! Let's hope that 2006 is equally rich in blogging, but a little more "sweet & low."

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

:)

h

Aching and Mistaking

(Second post for the day, you lucky devils!)

Why oh Why oh Why did I have phone sex with the Stallion last night??? I told him up front that I'm still seeing Narc.

"The guy who was at your place the night that I was there in April?"

"Yup. That's him."

"No fucking way, Hyde! No fucking way! That guy wasn't good to you!"

"Well, whatever... It's complicated and we're still on."

"Hyde!"

"Whatever, Stallion. What are you going to say about it? Men are like that," I said.

"Not me," he insisted. "You know I care for you. You know I love you! I told you that a few months back and I meant it.'

"You love me? Oh, you do? Now you have to be joking!" I laughed as loud as I could. "Stallion! You have a girlfriend of five years! Give me a break! You're a man. You want to fuck me. We have good fucking-chemistry. You and I both know it, and that's it."

"Look... I may be a man, but I know how you feel," he said. "I really, really care for you. I think about you all the time. Every day. There have been so many times when I've been by your building and I've wanted to stop by and drop you a note or something, but I've stopped myself. I didn't want to get all 'stalker' on you."

"I don't think of you as a stalker," I said.

"It's just that my time with you, Hyde... It changed me."

"I don't know," I mumbled. I tried to change the subject.

"So, how's your mom?" I asked.

"Worse. She's blind now."

(She has diabetes).

"Oh, Stallion, I'm so sorry!"

"Yeah, it sucks. But let's not get into that. What about you? What have you been up to in your crazy life, girl?"

"Me? When's the last time I updated you?"

"This summer, I think."

"Well, nothing has been as crazy recently as it all was back then..."

Our conversation went on like that for a while longer. Then of course, it turned to sex. He started detailing all of the things he wants to "do to me."

"Yeah, well, that's why I haven't really called you," I said. "It's like that's all we're going to do together if I see you, and I'm really not in that place right now."

"Aw, what's up with that Hyde?" he protested. "What place? What kind of talk is that? You don't have to be in any kind of a place for me! You know I have my girlfriend too. There's just something between us outside of all that. It doesn't matter what else is going on. What we've got is something in its own bubble, you know?"

"Why are you even with her?" I asked.

"I don't know." He paused. "I've been on the verge of breaking it so many times," he said. "But it's her family. I love her family. I feel like they're my own."

"I guess that's got to be rough."

Then the sex talk started up again. This time I let him take it where he wanted. I like being taken over by him and directed by him anyway, and I was too tired to put up a cynical resistance. I crawled into bed with him on the phone and we finished up.

"Are you going to forget this tomorrow, Hyde?" he asked. (The man knows I black out!)

"No. I'm not even that drunk."

"Good. Because I want you to think about this," he said. "I want you to think of me when you wake up. I want you to think about that summer when we did it for hours-- thirteen, fourteen times in a row. I think about that all the time-- on the couch, in your kitchen, on the floor... God, Hyde! We fucked for hours! Don't you know how I feel about you? I want you to think about all of that. Think about the fact that I've been thinking of you."

("You haven't been thinking of me! You've been thinking of FUCKING ME," I wanted to say. "I don't mean anything to you," I wanted to tell him. "You just have lousy sex with your girlfriend, and she won't let you dominate her, so I've gone and fucked up your world view. Where is HYDE in this equation?" I didn't say that, though.)

"Okay, Stallion. I'll think of it."

I wanted to hang up. All I wanted was Narc and his arms around me. All I want right now is Narc and his arms around me.

Damn it! Every time I think that all I have with Narc is "neediness," I have to remember this. If my love for Narc were just "need" for a boy or for sex or for male attention, I could get that anywhere.

I love Narc and I want Narc.

I want the feeling of my cheek against his chest right now. God, I want that more than anything.

I feel guilty for what I did last night.

Today the Stallion called me three times. I ignored all three calls. On the third call, he left a message. He said:

Hey, Hyde! How you doin'? Just wanted to see how your day went. I guess, give me a call back when you get this message. Okay, bye.

Meanwhile, I texted Narc back on Sunday night:

Heard it got mixed reviews. Glad you got out. :) Loved the church thing. Was gorgeous candlelight & I had a really elevated spiritual moment. You feeling better?

--Not a word in return.

So, I tried again. I sent Narc a text last night.

Blah. I'm sick of doing work, but so much left to do! How's your day going? :)

--Not a word in return.

Then I wrote to him again this afternoon:

The exams I was supposed to give today are postponed for when I'm in Argentina. The universe is in disarray!

I FINALLY heard something back from him tonight. He wrote:

Just wrapped MXXX-Man package after 5 hours at my producer's. My kingdom for a pint!

So he was working. That's good, because hopefully it has him feeling a little less depressed. I do hope he's feeling better.

I wrote back:

Wow. Yay!

And I miss him and I love him and I want him and it hurts.

And I don't know what to do now that I've lead the Stallion on and opened that door again...

And so I leave you with the sage words of Nazareth:

Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts,
ooh ooh love hurts

I'm young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing, or two
I learned, from you
I really learned a lot,
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not foolin' me

I know it isn't true,
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts,
Ooh,ooh love hurts

The Weekend: My Party, Domestic Hyde and Constant Narc

Ugh! So the MTA is on strike!

This fucking sucks. I'm so pissed off about it, but I guess there's nothing I can do. I want to continue on writing about the weekend, but first, I have to tell you--I got a few strange calls yesterday--from whom? The Stallion! I finally picked up the third time he called me. It was about 2:00 am and we talked for around an hour. We ended up having phone sex and the whole conversation was not what I expected (it included some declarations of love from him), but I'll have to put that all in another post. For now, I'll return to Friday morning, waking up with the Narc...

On Friday morning, I awoke at noon, on just 6 hours of sleep (having been awake since 4:00 am the morning before!) I was desperately dreading the task ahead of me-- turning my chaotic hell-hole of an apartment into the beautiful charming space I knew it could be! I kissed the snoring Narc and told him I was running to Duane Reade. Then I ventured out into the cold to stock up on cleaning supplies. I also bought some Red Bull for Narc, some Sugar-Free Red Bull for me and some Wonton Soup.

Back at my place, the work began! I was on my hands and knees--scrubbing the toilet, scrubbing the shower, scrubbing the floors, scrubbing the kitchen, sweeping the pine needles, organizing, straightening and tossing things away. I worked madly for hours. Although I general despise cleaning, for some reason I didn't mind doing it all that much. Despite my exhaustion, I felt like I was doing something "cozy," especially with Narc asleep in just the other room. I tried not to think about our conversation from the previous night, and instead I focused on what I had to do.

At around 5:00 pm I went to check on Narc. He was still asleep. I crawled into bed next to him and gently tried to get his attention. He pulled me in so tightly to him, as if I were a teddy bear. (I love when he does that). Once or twice I tried to pull away-- to try to breathe, to readjust my position, but he clutched me even tighter and wouldn't let me go. Eventually, I managed to "wake him up" and after some time spent together, soon enough we were both out of bed. Narc stumbled into the bathroom to wash up and I began to straighten up my bedroom, which I had left untouched up to that point.

Later, Narc and I ordered a pizza. He walked downstairs with me to the lobby to pick it up and to pay. Then we sat down at my dining room table to eat. He was amazed at how clean it all was.
"Wow, Hyde! I've never seen your apartment look like this!"

It was strange to be eating with him face to face, sitting across the table. My Christmas tree was glowing and Mr. Rochester lay curled up nearby.

"This is weird, Narc," I said. "To be eating all civilized like this and not on the couch in front of the TV."

"I know," he laughed. "So, 'Honey, how was your day?'"

As soon as he said that, he seemed a little embarrassed. Neither of us could eat very much pizza because we had both fucked our stomachs up on hard liquor the night before. I jumped into the shower and Narc lay down on the couch to watch TV. When I got out of the shower, he looked depressed.

"What's wrong, Narc?" I asked.

"I don't know... Just feeling crappy," he said. "Maybe I need a nap."

"I don't think you need a nap," I said. "You just woke up. It's probably just that it was dark out when you got up."

He was coughing a little and said that his throat hurt, so I ran to get him a lozenge.

"Do you want any tea or anything?"

I wanted to mother him, but he didn't quite know how to take it as he was never even "mothered" by his own mother.

"You don't have to come with me to the supermarket if you don't want to," I said. "I mean, I'll need help carrying, but I can manage it without you if you need to rest."

"No, I'll come; I'll come..." he said, pulling himself up off the couch.

So, we were off...

Going to the supermarket with him was almost surreal. I pushed the cart through the aisles while he occasionally tossed things in. He decided we should buy candy canes, which I thought was cute. It felt really nice to do something so routine with him. I can't quite articulate the feeling, but it was one that I won't soon forget. We bought cookies, chips, pretzels, candy, beer, OJ, cranberry, cheese & crackers and a veggie platter along with 20 lbs of ice. Then it was on to the liquor store. We bought Jack, Sky vodka and some Malibu rum. I was already well stocked with wine at home and hoped that my guests would make up for whatever else was needed. I showed him the streetside vendor where I had bought my Christmas tree, and walking back to my house, Narc started singing that song "Last Christmas." I piped in and joined him. (Incidentally, when Narc had arrived on Thursday night he marveled over my tree! It made me very happy!)

Back at my place, Narc helped me set up all of the food and drinks for the party. It was really sweet. At around 8:30, my doorbell rang. It was NDN and Oc! Finally, I was starting to feel like I was in the party mood!

"There's something I wanted to ask your mom about when she gets here," NDN said.

"Wait-- your mom is coming?" Narc asked.

"Oh, yeah... Didn't I tell you?"

"No."

He looked really nervous.

Shortly after that, Hammer arrived as well. She and NDN ate the rest of our pizza while I started to get dressed. Narc said he still wasn't feeling well and rested up on the couch for a bit. Hammer borrowed a pair of my earrings and some lipstick. Finally the rest of the guests began to arrive. I wore a black skirt with a little sparkle in it, a black and silver lace shirt, bright red lipstick and a red satin ribbon. I also wore my velvet heels-- a full "party dress" outfit. My family arrived early. My stomach was turning with anxiety. My worlds were colliding, literally!!!


Too much went on at the party to detail it all here. It went by like a whirlwind. I was happy with the turnout. I had been worried that it would be over-crowded, but the size of the crowd felt just right.

I don't want to make it seem like I was super focused on Narc at the party. I wasn't. In fact, B told me that if he didn't know who Narc "was," that he wouldn't have known we were "together." But in any case, it was most interesting for me to watch him interact with my friends and loved ones. The day after the party, my mom called me and told me that she thought her chats with him were "interesting."

"Interesting? How so?" I asked.

"Well, we didn't talk much," she began, "and when we did talk, he didn't talk about himself; he didn't ask about me. He just said things to let me know how much he's in your life."

"What??? What do you mean?" (I was shocked.) "What are you talking about, mom?"

"Well, he said a few things-- first he told me that of all the many times he's been to your place, he's never seen it as clean as it was that night; so it was clear he's spent a lot of time there. Later, he made a comment about Roch and said that when he met you, Rochie was just a little kitten, but now he's so big."

"Really??? What else?"

"He told me that you were worried you guys didn't get enough food but that he had spent the afternoon with you and helped you set up. Almost as if he wanted me to know he was there with you all day."

"That's strange," I said. "I wouldn't have guessed that."

Anyway, I cut off the conversation shortly after that, as I don't like talking to my mom about my personal life. But, like I said-- I was shocked.

Anyway, back to my party and the Narc tension. I actually walked into a conversation in which my mom was asking Narc how we met.

"We just met at a random bar," he said.

"So! She met some of these people at Columbia, some of them at grad school, and you at a bar?" my mom repeated.

I shot her a look. Thanks a lot, mom.

The only thing that really upset me was that my friend, NV, overheard someone asking Narc, "How do you know Hyde?"

His answer? "We get drunk together."

It really hurt my feelings. It reminded me of the time that he told that woman over the summer who wanted to know if we were together that he "met me a year ago, and we've had a couple of one night stands" and that was it.

I tried not to let it get me down, although it really hurt my heart to hear that. A few people at the party started asking me to sing. I'm always shy about that stuff and didn't want to come across as "showing off" at my own party, so I kind of put it off. Eventually, though, enough people asked that I agreed. The crowd started to cheer "Hyde! Hyde! Hyde!" So I made my way over to my computer karaoke, grateful that I wasn't yet all that drunk, and poured out a few Puccini arias. Everyone cheered, and my mom (who hasn't really heard me in quite some time) was especially impressed. (She later told me that she was standing near Narc, and that he was really impressed too and made some kind of comment to her. Would you believe he had never really heard me sing before?)

It was nice to sing for everyone and to be so appreciated.

Hmm...What else happened that night? Anxious and BulgarianGuy showed up and were caught making out in the living room. Oc brought a gaggle of British friends, and the Wiz thought he saw a few of them sniffing coke in my kitchen, which prompted me to confront Oc about it. (That stuff just can NOT happen when my family is around!) I got to meet NV's new boyfriend who seems really sweet and is from Manila (like B). B came with his girlfriend who was apparently really jealous and intimidated by my singing. (I hate to be so petty and say it, but, I will... Yay!) I was very proud of Mr. Rochester who behaved very sweetly and did not get freaked out by the crowd. Hammer and BigSis shared a moment making fun of Anxious-- an interaction "enjoyed" by the Wiz. ;) Among the interesting guests? WelcomeToTheJungle-- a random girl I met at Cheers, Kandy--the girl I met at Cheers that took her clothes off at my house, and one of my students came! LW & AW were there mixing me shots the whole night long, a good crowd came from grad school, a whole bunch of my college friends, etc.

I got several beautiful gifts including an "energy tree" from Hammer made from amethyst and quartz (I LOVE amethyst!) and a 1913 Nicholas II coin from Bezoukhoff. The party started to wind down at around 2:00 am, and honestly, I was surprised-- my super-late-night bar crowd never showed up. It was all for the best, though, as Narc got pretty drunk and turned into "wanker-Narc." NDN lay passing out on my couch smoking my weed, my sister's friend English was quickly forging a strange friendship with WelcomeToTheJungle, and getting a little too "friendly" with LW, and I overheard Narc saying some nasty things to Bezoukhoff. I quickly went over to address it.

(As Bezoukhoff put it to me the next day--

"Hyde, when you get drunk, you call yourself shit. But Narc is an angry drunk. And when Narc gets drunk, he calls other people shit."

"Maybe that's why we get along so well," I replied.)

In any case, I wasn't happy with Narc calling Bezoukhoff "shit." They had started chatting about Bezoukhoff's infamous challenge to "duel" Narc. (For those of you who weren't reading my blog all the way back through last winter and spring, Bezoukhoff once expressed a very chivalrous wish to "duel" the Narc for my "honor." We laughed about it a lot. Later on, in May, I told Narc about the conversation). I introduced Narc to Bezoukhoff as "the duelist." Narc started up a conversation about the "Spanish Rapier" and apparently it turned belligerent. Narc was starting to slur his words and get aggressive. I tried to sit in on the conversation for a while and make him happy. Then we started kissing. That's when he told me to to give everyone "the boot" because he wanted to fuck me. I was a little drunk myself and thought it best to oblige.

After everyone had gone, we had amazing sex and Narc told me all over again (albeit in drunkenness) that he loves me. (Drunk sex with Narc is always especially nice because it breaks down all of his emotional walls.) It was strange, though. I kind of felt far away-- not especially at peace or in love. Whatever. We crashed into bed at around 5:00 am.

Narc was so drunk that in the middle of the night, he fell out of bed. It woke me up with a thud and I jumped up to help him. He was disoriented and wandered into the other room (for water, I presume). He shut the bedroom door behind him, and I could hear him banging around out there, unable to find his way back to the bedroom. I got up to guide him back. Then at around 9:00 am I woke up to a strange cell phone ring. It turns out that Hammer had left her phone at my place. I got out of bed to find it, and decided not to go back to bed. No matter how exhausted I was, my house was a wreck and needed tending to. There were multiple spilled drinks, crushed food on the floor and countless bottles laying everywhere.

So I set to it. I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned. And again, I felt happily domestic, knowing that Narc was asleep in my bed. At around noon, I gently tried to wake him to ask if he wanted me to go out and get him anything to eat.

"Just food,"he murmured, "and caffeine."

I decided to cook something, so I went to the market to get the ingredients to make a big tray of baked ziti. I also bought some Red Bull and smart water for Narc. Then I came home and cooked and cleaned some more. The Metropolitan Opera was being broadcast live over the radio-- a performance of Rigoletto. Despite my exhaustion, I couldn't have been happier.

At some point in the afternoon, NDN stopped by to use the microwave and hung out with me for a little while. As day passed into evening again, and Narc stayed asleep, I settled in on the living room couch, polished my nails and watched some Law & Order.

Finally, at around 5:30 pm, Narc awoke, as if from the dead. He joined me in the living room, I fed him, and we bummed around for a few hours, making up a game to keep ourselves amused--our own brand of entertainment (which again, I don't find appropriate to detail here!). We watched part of Dangerous Liaisons and cuddled for a long time. At around 10:00, Hammer called to say she was coming over to get her phone. She arrived shortly thereafter.

"So this is what a Narc/Hyde hangout is like!" she said.

I thought it was funny.

We gossiped a little bit about some of our classmates. At one point Hammer was telling a story and I was afraid that she was going to slip up and give away a link to my blog.

"Wait! Don't!" I exclaimed.

It was an awkward moment for me. I know Narc thinks that I have secrets I'm keeping from him. Soon, the Wizard came over as well. The four of us hung out, catching the ending of Four Weddings and a Funeral on TV. It was strange. It felt like a double date, with Narc cuddling me on the couch. I served the remaining ziti to Hammer and the Wizard, to which the Wizard proclaimed that I am truly "marriage material!" (Ha!)

The Narc wanted to get out of the house, as he hadn't seen sunlight in several days. He asked if I wanted to go to The Patriot with him, enticing me with promises of a "lavender bath" (which never happened as we were too tired). I agreed. We left my place at around 1:00 am, sharing a cab downtown with Hammer and the Wizard.

When we arrived, the Patriot was super crowded.

(I took a picture of it the next morning when I was getting a cab. There it is, to the left!)

We were feeling mellow and not up for that, so we tried a place around the block-- the Raccoon Lodge, instead. Narc really wasn't feeling well. He asked if I wouldn't mind leaving after just one drink. I agreed, and we went back to his apartment.

His feet were cold and I tried to make him feel better by rubbing them. I was dead tired, though, and passed out on his couch by 2:00 am.

"Do you want to move into the bedroom?" he asked, as I drifted off to sleep.

"No. I want to stay here with you. Just wake me to move me when you go."

"Okay."

He did just that. I think he moved me at around 4:00 am or so.

The next morning, I overslept, waking up at around 12:00. I woke Narc up at 1:00, not wanting him to miss another day of sunlight. I felt very close to him, wanting to nurture him and take care of him. I ordered lunch for us and gave him some medicine. He said he was still feeling depressed and run down.

"I'm dying, Hyde! I 'm dying!" he said.

"Oh, Narc! You're not dying."

"Maybe I'm already dead."

"What? And I'm talking to a ghost?"

"How do you know it's not true?" he asked.

"So I'm in a ghost's apartment in Tribeca?"

He laughed. I would have stayed with him all day if I could have, but I had plans to meet B on the Upper West Side at 3:30.

Narc wasn't happy that I was leaving. At around the time I had to go, he got up and went to his bedroom, ignoring me as he surfed online.

"I have to get going soon, Narc," I said.

"Well, yeah..."

I went over to him.

"When am I going to get to see you before Christmas? I still have to give you your present," I said. "And I'm going to be on Long Island from Friday on."

"I'm sure I'll see you before that," he answered. "Besides, I still have to get you presents... for your birthday and for Christmas. I know what I want to get you for one of them, but not the other."

(What?!?! That was news to me! I had no idea he planned on getting me anything!)

"Okay. Well, can I get a hug before I go?"

There was a tension in the air.

"Yeah, sure..." He swiveled in his chair to face me. I leaned down to give him a hug.

"Okay, well, bye..."

As for the rest of Sunday--my afternoon with B, I'd rather save that for another post. We went to a gorgeous "Lessons & Carols" service at a Lutheran church, during which I had a sort of transcendent experience and spiritual revelation. I need to think about it more before I post about it here.

But that was my weekend with Narc. Later on Sunday night, he texted me:
Geisha was so so.

So I wrote back:
Heard it got mixed reviews. Glad you got out. :) Loved the church thing. Was gorgeous candlelight & I had a really elevated spiritual moment. You feeling better?

He never wrote back to that, but I guess it's typical...

Anyway, that's it for now. Why do I feel like I'm stuck playing blogger catch-up this week? I've got to go take a shower... And then address some school work.

:)

h