A Conversation a la MSN Messenger:
Hyde says:
last night was a disaster
B says:
what happened?
Hyde says:
oh, b....
B:
what???
Hyde:
Narc called me at about 1:30. I had drank a bottle of wine. I was excited. He called his first night back! Just what I wished for! I went to meet him. He told me to meet him at a bar. Everything was going good, but I don' t know how many whiskeys I had and was drunk. Some music came on the jukebox late and i was singing along. We got in some stupid spat.
B:
is there any other kind of spat?
Hyde:
he told me I wasn't singing it right b/c I was not belting part of it, but singing it in head voice. I pretended to be more offended than I was and said I was leaving. He had already been being kind of a jerk. He wouldn't let me put anything I wanted on the juke box. I was hanging on everything he said. So he said "fine. leave." It was a challenge to me. I took my stuff and left, but didn't really. I just stood outside the bar on the curb for 20 min
B:
oh no!
Hyde:
I didn't see any cabs and I thought it was dumb, so i went back in. He was gone. I thought "what???" The bartender said he left. So I started walking towards his house and called him
B:
oh no!!!
Hyde:
he didn't pick up the phone
B:
what a disaster
Hyde:
I was drunk and had no idea where I was.
B:
poor H!
Hyde:
finally after a million calls he picked up. He told me he would be "sleeping alone," that I "shouldn't have walked out on him" and that he didn't want to see me. He was mean to me. Punishing. I started crying hysterically in the street. I had no clue where I was and I was scared someone would mug me. It was around 4:00 am.
B:
Grrrrr!!
Hyde:
I kept sending him texts saying i was sorry, that it was stupid, please forgive me, etc. The last one I sent said "What did I do that was so amazingly awful? I so wanted to be w/you & I really don't understand. I waited for you. So goodbye. I guess that's how you want it." Nothing in response. Finally, from wandering, I found his building. His doorman was away from the door so I went in.
B:
H, why do you make yourself his doormat?
Hyde:
I went up to his apartment and kept ringing the bell. Finally he answered and told me to go away or he'd call security. That was the last straw for me. It hurt so badly. I left. It made me cry so much. I'm crying again right now.
B:
poor H!!!!!!!
Hyde:
In the cab I was crying. My driver tried to give me "counseling." When I got home i was a mess. I really wanted to do something bad...to hurt myself. I just kept thinking that I messed it all up. I still think so.
B:
you didn't do it, h.
Hyde:
I mean, he called me on his first day back and look what I did!
B:
come on--reality check.
Hyde:
I was in a bad state.
B:
reality check.
Hyde:
I called GoldenFinch, Liu, Hammer... I called you.
B:
huh?
Hyde:
nobody picked up. I couldn't breathe.
B:
when was this?
Hyde:
I called NextDoorNeighbor and he picked up. It was around 4:30 am here. I was hysterical, so he came over. He sat on the floor with me and tried to talk me through.
B:
i didn't hear the phone.
Hyde:
(it was busy)
B:
oh.
Hyde:
then NextDoorNeighbor told me to come sleep on his couch. I did.
B:
my brother was on the computer.
Hyde:
I just woke up and came back home. I can't believe what I did. I hate myself. And i'm so sad. B, I can't do this. I'm too sad.
B:
yes you can.
Hyde:
I have to do my semester grades but my heart just hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep.
B:
so do them. Don't dick around. It'll help get your mind clearer.
Hyde:
now I've been up 2 seconds and i'm crying again. Why did I do that? Why? Why couldn't I behave better?
B:
what do you think you did wrong?
Hyde:
I shouldn't have walked out. It challenged him. And now he hates me.
B:
But you didn't hurt yourself. That's really good. And as for N, you know what i'm gonna say about that. So i won't bother. You also know what Dr. G would say.
Hyde:
what?
B:
and she'd be right.
Hyde:
bother. please bother...
B?
You still there? huh? b?
***********
PS: I called Narc this morning and left him a message. I said that I still don't understand what happened, but that I would appreciate it if he'd call me. I asked him to call. We'll see if he will. I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore though. I feel drained.
No. I do know what I want. I want banana pancakes.
************
PPS: I told N last night that I'm now 12 days late. I've been stressed about it, and just wanted to have someone in it with me, you know? Maybe that's what made him hate me. I should test today. Just get it taken care of.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Fleet Week
Holy shit. It's "fleet week" in NY and I'm too exhausted to enjoy it! That's right--sailors have once again invaded the city. They're everywhere in their spanking white uniforms, reminding the world that it's Spring. I, unfortunately, am too bogged down with work to go out and indulge in some wholesome sailor-fun. It sucks.
I basically did nothing but work this weekend. I partied a little on Friday night, but since then, I haven't socialized at all. It's uncharacteristic and I've felt a little lonely and like I've been in a twilight zone, but by today, much of it has paid off. I turned my WWI paper in this afternoon and spent four and a half hours grading exams this evening. All I have left to do (aside from my incompletes) is calculate semester grades for my students and get them to the registrar by 5:00 pm tomorrow.
NextDoorNeighbor just got back from a weekend upstate. He was excited because he "made it to third base" with a friend of his sister's. (Good for him!) He was so sweet--he sat with me for two hours this afternoon and helped me grade the multiple choice part of my students' exams.
As for me, I think I'll settle in with a bottle of wine and an episode of Seinfeld for now. I hope that I'll feel sufficiently liberated from my work load by tomorrow that I can go out and have some fun.
And as for the ones I love? Hammer is leaving for DC tomorrow afternoon. She's going to be gone for the whole summer, and I didn't even get to see her to say goodbye. :-( Both of us have been crazy with work! B is still out of town for another two and a half weeks. We have a "date" to talk on the phone Wednesday morning. And Narc? Well, Narc is supposed to be back from his "retreat" today. I'll give him until Wednesday-Thursday to call me before I start thinking that I was wrong to ever have trusted him or believed that things could change.
That's it for now. Seinfeld's starting. And my wine is calling.
lol!
-an incredibly fatigued hyde-
I basically did nothing but work this weekend. I partied a little on Friday night, but since then, I haven't socialized at all. It's uncharacteristic and I've felt a little lonely and like I've been in a twilight zone, but by today, much of it has paid off. I turned my WWI paper in this afternoon and spent four and a half hours grading exams this evening. All I have left to do (aside from my incompletes) is calculate semester grades for my students and get them to the registrar by 5:00 pm tomorrow.
NextDoorNeighbor just got back from a weekend upstate. He was excited because he "made it to third base" with a friend of his sister's. (Good for him!) He was so sweet--he sat with me for two hours this afternoon and helped me grade the multiple choice part of my students' exams.
As for me, I think I'll settle in with a bottle of wine and an episode of Seinfeld for now. I hope that I'll feel sufficiently liberated from my work load by tomorrow that I can go out and have some fun.
And as for the ones I love? Hammer is leaving for DC tomorrow afternoon. She's going to be gone for the whole summer, and I didn't even get to see her to say goodbye. :-( Both of us have been crazy with work! B is still out of town for another two and a half weeks. We have a "date" to talk on the phone Wednesday morning. And Narc? Well, Narc is supposed to be back from his "retreat" today. I'll give him until Wednesday-Thursday to call me before I start thinking that I was wrong to ever have trusted him or believed that things could change.
That's it for now. Seinfeld's starting. And my wine is calling.
lol!
-an incredibly fatigued hyde-
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Sing-Storm
I can't believe my stamina. I just gave myself the concert of a lifetime. Yay! I'm on a singing high right now. (Despite the fact that it's major procrastination that I can't afford!)
I just sang:
Accompanying myself on piano:
1.) Ebben? Ne andro lontana - La Wally
2.) Vissi d'arte-Tosca
3.) Voce di donna o d'angelo- La Gioconda
4.) Va! laisse couler mes larme- Werther
5.) When I am laid in earth- Dido and Aeneas
6.) En vain, pour eviter- Carmen
7.) Voi lo sapete- Cavelleria Rusticana
8.) Mon coeur s'ouvre a ta voix- Samson et Dalila
Switched to Karaoke (and rather dramatic performances in front of the mirror):
9.) Mi chiamano Mimi- la Boheme
10.) Vissi d'arte- Tosca (again!)
11.) O mio babbino caro- Gianni Schichi
12.) Quand m'en Vo'- la Boheme
13.) Caro Nome- Rigoletto
14.) The Habanera- Carmen (But this version only does one of the verses.)
15.) The Toreador Song- Carmen (an octave up... that was fun!)
16.) The Habanera- Carmen (again! Both versus but a weird arrangement!)
17.) Nessun dorma- Turandot (an octave up... should have heard the high B!)
Now my voice is warmed up as hell, but I feel like I've exhausted my cords for the next ten years. It was fun though. Fun and cathartic. I'm spent.
Back to World War I...
I just sang:
Accompanying myself on piano:
1.) Ebben? Ne andro lontana - La Wally
2.) Vissi d'arte-Tosca
3.) Voce di donna o d'angelo- La Gioconda
4.) Va! laisse couler mes larme- Werther
5.) When I am laid in earth- Dido and Aeneas
6.) En vain, pour eviter- Carmen
7.) Voi lo sapete- Cavelleria Rusticana
8.) Mon coeur s'ouvre a ta voix- Samson et Dalila
Switched to Karaoke (and rather dramatic performances in front of the mirror):
9.) Mi chiamano Mimi- la Boheme
10.) Vissi d'arte- Tosca (again!)
11.) O mio babbino caro- Gianni Schichi
12.) Quand m'en Vo'- la Boheme
13.) Caro Nome- Rigoletto
14.) The Habanera- Carmen (But this version only does one of the verses.)
15.) The Toreador Song- Carmen (an octave up... that was fun!)
16.) The Habanera- Carmen (again! Both versus but a weird arrangement!)
17.) Nessun dorma- Turandot (an octave up... should have heard the high B!)
Now my voice is warmed up as hell, but I feel like I've exhausted my cords for the next ten years. It was fun though. Fun and cathartic. I'm spent.
Back to World War I...
Blue Dreams
I'm feeling blue.
And for no good reason.
Maybe it's because I'm having so much trouble getting this paper out. It's the easiest fucking topic in the world, but I feel like trying to write it is like pulling out a rotting tooth. I'm sitting in a diner with a cup of coffee and a diet coke, and an aching lower back from too many hours staring unproductively at a computer screen and a stack of books about World War I. That "voulez vous" song from Moulin Rouge is playing on the diner radio. It's making me think of the summer B and I went to New Orleans and the Florida coast.
I hope I'm not crazy. I hope that the worst of this moodiness is just hormonal. I'm 10 days late for the second month in a row. Don't know if that's too much information, but sometimes I get the sense that no one's reading this, so I don't really care. I give out way too much personal information on this blog anyway. But the bottom line on the "lateness" thing-- It's making me anxious. I've decided not to freak out just yet...especially since I went through a "freak out" last month and it turned out to have been unnecessary.
Last night I stayed out way later than I should have given my state of exhaustion at the start of the evening. I drank Jack Daniels for half the night, and for the other half, had some specialty drink called the "Velvet Hammer." It was sweet and creamy and kind of like a White Russian in general, except that there were cherries in it. I like having cherries in my drink because then I can tie the stems up with my tongue. Back in college when I first learned that trick, I used to give the tied cherry stems to B, and he would put them in his wallet. When he pulled out his money, sometimes a dried cherry stem or two would fall out. Kind of gross...
On the way over here, I bought a pack of sour cherry gum.
It looks gray outside... like it's going to rain any minute. I'm only five blocks from my apartment, but I don't have an umbrella and really don't want to get stuck walking home in the rain--especially with my laptop. So I guess I'll just stay here and drink coffee and diet coke indefinitely... at least until my bladder bursts, or the caffeine high approximates the pleasure of real coke.
The wet air is making this war reading even worse. I keep thinking of the muddy trenches and rats and disgusting things in general.
Oh! I had an awful dream last night. Two days ago I was in the bathroom at a restaurant and noticed not far from the door on the bathroom floor an overturned tiny tiny roach struggling to flip itself right-side-up. The problem is that it had obviously been stepped on by someone, and I began to suspect that that someone was me. I am dreadfully afraid of insects--anything with lots of legs, or twitching antennae, or anything creepy crawly like that. I've never killed an insect in my life (at least not knowingly). (The closest I've come is once when I was home alone, I saw a spider on the wall and couldn't ignore it, but couldn't kill it. I took a bottle of windex, closed my eyes and sprayed from a distance. When I opened my eyes it was gone, but I wasn't sure if it had died. I didn't sleep the whole night.) It's a silly phobia, but it's very real. I have trouble staying in the same room if I see an insect. Anyway, realizing that I had come into some kind of physical contact with that thing really freaked me out. So last night in my dream, the roach came back for revenge. It was enormous. It was walking around on "hind legs" of sorts, and came into my apartment to murder me. I don't remember anything that happened in the dream. Only the presence of the roach.
It reminds me of a recurring dream I used to have as a little kid. I used to dream that an enormous starfish had intruded my home and was coming to kill me. Again, I don't remember much of that dream. All I know is that burned into my mind is the memory of a fucking HUGE faceless starfish making its ways up the staircase of my childhood home (carpeted in 1970s rust-colored carpeting) and slowly moving towards my bedroom.
What's up with that?
And for no good reason.
Maybe it's because I'm having so much trouble getting this paper out. It's the easiest fucking topic in the world, but I feel like trying to write it is like pulling out a rotting tooth. I'm sitting in a diner with a cup of coffee and a diet coke, and an aching lower back from too many hours staring unproductively at a computer screen and a stack of books about World War I. That "voulez vous" song from Moulin Rouge is playing on the diner radio. It's making me think of the summer B and I went to New Orleans and the Florida coast.
I hope I'm not crazy. I hope that the worst of this moodiness is just hormonal. I'm 10 days late for the second month in a row. Don't know if that's too much information, but sometimes I get the sense that no one's reading this, so I don't really care. I give out way too much personal information on this blog anyway. But the bottom line on the "lateness" thing-- It's making me anxious. I've decided not to freak out just yet...especially since I went through a "freak out" last month and it turned out to have been unnecessary.
Last night I stayed out way later than I should have given my state of exhaustion at the start of the evening. I drank Jack Daniels for half the night, and for the other half, had some specialty drink called the "Velvet Hammer." It was sweet and creamy and kind of like a White Russian in general, except that there were cherries in it. I like having cherries in my drink because then I can tie the stems up with my tongue. Back in college when I first learned that trick, I used to give the tied cherry stems to B, and he would put them in his wallet. When he pulled out his money, sometimes a dried cherry stem or two would fall out. Kind of gross...
On the way over here, I bought a pack of sour cherry gum.
It looks gray outside... like it's going to rain any minute. I'm only five blocks from my apartment, but I don't have an umbrella and really don't want to get stuck walking home in the rain--especially with my laptop. So I guess I'll just stay here and drink coffee and diet coke indefinitely... at least until my bladder bursts, or the caffeine high approximates the pleasure of real coke.
The wet air is making this war reading even worse. I keep thinking of the muddy trenches and rats and disgusting things in general.
Oh! I had an awful dream last night. Two days ago I was in the bathroom at a restaurant and noticed not far from the door on the bathroom floor an overturned tiny tiny roach struggling to flip itself right-side-up. The problem is that it had obviously been stepped on by someone, and I began to suspect that that someone was me. I am dreadfully afraid of insects--anything with lots of legs, or twitching antennae, or anything creepy crawly like that. I've never killed an insect in my life (at least not knowingly). (The closest I've come is once when I was home alone, I saw a spider on the wall and couldn't ignore it, but couldn't kill it. I took a bottle of windex, closed my eyes and sprayed from a distance. When I opened my eyes it was gone, but I wasn't sure if it had died. I didn't sleep the whole night.) It's a silly phobia, but it's very real. I have trouble staying in the same room if I see an insect. Anyway, realizing that I had come into some kind of physical contact with that thing really freaked me out. So last night in my dream, the roach came back for revenge. It was enormous. It was walking around on "hind legs" of sorts, and came into my apartment to murder me. I don't remember anything that happened in the dream. Only the presence of the roach.
It reminds me of a recurring dream I used to have as a little kid. I used to dream that an enormous starfish had intruded my home and was coming to kill me. Again, I don't remember much of that dream. All I know is that burned into my mind is the memory of a fucking HUGE faceless starfish making its ways up the staircase of my childhood home (carpeted in 1970s rust-colored carpeting) and slowly moving towards my bedroom.
What's up with that?
Friday, May 27, 2005
Details (The Rundown On My Narc Week)
Well, I made a major mistake last night. I knew that I've been run down, that I needed to go to bed early and that I'd have a long day ahead of me today, but I stayed out late last night anyway. Now I'm exhuasted. I have two parties to go to tonight and probably shouldn't stay long at either of them.
Yesterday morning I left Narc's place early. I had to call my therapist (in Switzerland) but I didn't want to call from his house. I knew he would be leaving for the airport soon enough anyway. I was a little sad because I had fallen asleep ahead of him the night before and had now woken up earlier, so there wasn't much time for "cuddling." In any case, I got up, got dressed and leaned in to kiss him goodbye.
"Have a good trip."
He rolled over.
"Yeah. I'll have to tell you all about it when I get back."
Back at my place, I went over the events of the weekend with my therapist and also talked to her about the Anxious situation. She shored me up to confront Anxious about the ways in which she keeps putting me down. When we hung up, I sent Anxious an email telling her that her comments about the Stallion were insulting and that I'm sick of her taking jabs at me. She wrote back that she's sick of my "hypersensitivity." Well, what she calls my "hypersensitivity," I call her tactlessness. I didn't respond to her letter. I'm just not going to engage with her on that level. The bottom line is that she consistently hurts my feelings and either she's willing to apologize or she's not. Much later (at around 1:00 am last night), I got a message from her. She was tearful and said that she "can't imagine her life without me." Well, this has been going on for months now, so she may just have to. I haven't responded to her yet, because I'm still not quite sure what I want to do about it.
After sending Anxious the initial email yesterday morning, I called B in the Philippines with a phone-card I bought the previous day. We spoke for an hour or so. It's crazy how much I miss him yet he hasn't even been gone for a whole week!
For the rest of the afternoon I stayed home and worked on the mounds of papers I still had to grade. (And lucky me-- just as I've finished those, I now have a hundred final exams to work my way through!) I was so fucking tired that I dozed off at around 4:00 in the afternoon and didn't wake up again until 6:30. I scrambled to finish my work and still have time to meet NextDoorNeighbor for a drink. By the time I called him at around 10:00, he was having dinner with his ex-girlfriend. (He was tipsy and asked me if he should try to have sex with her. I told him that I didn't think it was such a good idea). We agreed that when he was free he would meet me at Cheers. I headed out.
When NextDoorNeighbor finally arrived, he showed me all of his pictures from Mexico and asked me to catch him up on what had been going on between me and Narc. Since I didn't really give any of you much detail about Tuesday and Wednesday's happenings. I'll recount the past few days for you now, just as it was told to NextDoorNeighbor last night.
Tuesday:
All day Tuesday I was so nervous about the upcoming dinner party. I spent the morning with my stepbrother and (like I said in a previous post) it was absolutely amazing. He is so much more expressive and interactive now and his personality is really coming back. LilSis, JBC and I helped him eat lunch and entertained him for a while with playing cards and tic-tac-toe. At around 1:00 my two stepsisters arrived and LilSis and JBC dropped me off at the train station to head back to the city.
Narc had texted me while I was at the hospital:
Meeting ----- at Times Square at 6 pm for an hour or so, can meet you after around 7:30 for a drink in the area, then dinner at 8:45.
I wrote back:
Sounds good. Heading back to the city now. Just call or txt 1/2 hour or so before you want me there to tell me where exactly to meet you...
So it seemed as if he were actually planning to keep the date. I didn't want to trust it. I felt a little overwhelmed with a strange mix of feelings and I wasn't quite sure where to put them.
That said, my nerves would have to be put on hold. I didn't have much time to think of anything at all, because I had to run to the school where I teach to photocopy the next day's exams. While I was in the copy room a senior faculty member came in and looked over my shoulder at the exam. He asked if he could read it. I was embarrassed, but complied. To my delight he was very impressed. He asked if he could have a copy of the test and I gave him one of the study guides I had written as well. He even showed it to another professor who walked by. They asked about my career plans and I told them that I was at the end of my teaching fellowship and would have to find work in the fall as an adjunct.
"Well, if I have anything to do with it, you'd be hired back with honors!" he said.
Yay!
When I finished up with all that, I hopped in a cab back to my neighborhood and stopped by the liquor store to pick up some wine for the party (that put me out about $40). Hammer called and told me to get dressed up for the event. I didn't really want to. I explained that I didn't want to appear as if I were trying "too hard" for him. I didn't want Narc to feel overwhelmed. Plus, I just couldn't allow myself get too excited about the whole occasion. It would make it hurt that much worse when things fall apart.
The bottom line is that I really don't trust that Narc will come through for me. Every single time in the past that I've asked him to make a plan, he's come up with some excuse. Then there was that awful trilogy of events in February--he stood me up for the opera, he masturbated in front of Anxious, and in my greatest moment of need (the week of my brother's car crash) he completely let me fall. Why should this be any different? Reading back over my description of Saturday night, the inner-conflict that all of this yo-yo behavior has caused me is clear. I want to tell Narc that I love him. I want to believe that he loves me. I want to let myself go and to fall in to him, trusting that he'll be there. I want some kind of real relationship, but I just don't know whether he's capable or willing.
Anyway, all of this was stirring inside me on Tuesday evening, fostering in me an unarticulated anxiety. I got dressed and left my place, walking to Cheers in the rain. One whiskey to calm my nerves shouldn't be too bad. I said hi to IrishBird, drank my one glass of Jack and headed off to meet Narc.
We met up at the Paramount in Times Square. He was inside with two friends, but came out to greet me on the curb. I thought it was sweet. He was wearing his infamous velvet blazer. Things seemed to start off okay, but back inside his mood darkened. He was cold and stand-offish and was really sort of ignoring me. I felt like I had to keep talking to keep the energy up. On top of that, we were now running really late for the dinner party. If I were more comfortable with him, I would have pressed him to leave, but I just couldn't. Instead, I calmed my nerves with three more drinks on an empty stomach. Uh oh. I told Narc that I was starting to feel the alcohol.
"Don't worry," he said. "You can't tell."
"Ok. But why do you seem so down today?" I asked. ("down," "awkward," "cold," "distant," "not at all like the boy who told me two nights ago that he loves me...")
"I'm not down," he shrugged. "Just tired."
Back out in the rain, we had trouble finding a cab. At this point we were nearly 45 minutes late and when we arrived, Hammer and the Wizard were upset. Narc was still being distant, and I was slightly drunk, getting more depressed by the minute. I tried to pull myself out of it to have a good time. Now in retrospect I fear I may have been self-sabatoging. It's almost as if I were looking for everything to go wrong because I didn't trust anything to go right.
The Wizard has a beautiful apartment with a glorious view of the Park. He and Hammer had gone all out for the occasion and set a beautiful table, bought the best quality steaks (to be seared on the Wizard's special pan!) and made it a truly lovely evening for us.
Talk at the dinner table was nice as well. It was strange to hear Narc tell things about himself, all of which I already knew. I think I know a lot more about him than he does about me, only because I get pleasure from hearing him endlessly chatter on about himself, but only recently have I begun to do the same. Hammer and Narc exchanged Mac software. It was cute. But even though things seemed fine on the surface, the whole situation made me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure where to file all of it in my head. Were we there as a couple? Were we there as friends? Does this mean that I can call him now just to talk or hang out? Is he willing to try to make something work? Or is this all going to go back to the 4:00 am "come fuck me" phone calls with no mention of anything else?
It was hard for me to do the dinner. I kept drinking and must have finished at least 4-5 glasses of wine. The Wizard wanted to show us the terrace, so Narc and I walked out there for a smoke. He finished his first, but didn't wait for me to do the same.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Back inside. It's cold."
I was really upset that he didn't wait with me, or at least ask if I minded if he went back in. Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I felt myself begin to sink. I just stayed out on the terrace alone in the cold. I can get so fucking dramatic. I didn't even pause to think that I might be behaving rudely towards our hosts.
Finally back inside, the Wizard had the fire going. I pulled Hammer aside and told her I felt like Narc was ignoring me.
"He's just trying to be polite to us," she said. "Don't be so sensitive. It's fine. It's going fine."
I didn't believe her. I laid down on the floor near the fireplace and kind of retreated into my own little world as the others talked. In my mind, I had already written the Narc-relationship part of the night off as a disaster. Again, now that I have a little bit of distance from the whole thing, I suspect that I was self-sabotaging in order to protect myself from what I was sure would be an inevitable disappointment.
We all started to get tired at around 12:30 and Narc and I gathered ourselves to leave. We thanked them for the dinner, apologized again for being late, and set off into the night.
Narc asked if I wanted to go for another drink.
"Sure. I know a place just a few blocks down." (Ironically, we headed to the same place where I had been on a date with SeattleGuy a few months ago).
As we walked, Narc asked me about Hammer and the Wizard.
"How long have they been seeing each other? I thought she was dating that PunyBoy..."
(The only other time Hammer and Narc met was back in November. She and the Wizard were temporarily estranged due to some drama (a la OG) and Hammer had PunyBoy as an out of town visitor. It was a disaster. She just wasn't into him and had to spend the whole weekend trying to find ways to avoid hooking up with him. I was out with the two of them the night Narc met us at KGB.)
I explained the situation to Narc.
"Oh, ok. 'Cause the Wizard's much cooler," he said.
"I agree."
We walked on, heading into Flute on 54th street. There we sat at the bar and talked and drank some more. For some reason, though, we kept bickering. I never argue with him, so it was strange. But he just kept getting on my nerves.
We ended up getting into a discussion about high school and Narc delivered an impressive speech about why high school as an institution is a waste, and should be abolished. I had to disagree.
"I loved high school," I told him. "I feel like I learned a lot and I really flourished. It gave me a lot of confidence and self-esteem in those years. I was president of fucking everything and I think I really learned how to work with adults...how to present myself."
"Well, if you're all about authority, that's why you want to go into academia," he said.
I didn't understand the connection, and the comment really irritated me.
"I would hardly say I'm 'all about authority,' Narc. Besides, you have no fucking clue why I want to study history."
I tried to explain to him that it's sort of a spiritual thing for me. He brushed my comments aside and told me that my high school experience "obviously wasn't representative."
"Oh, but yours is?" I demanded. "And what exactly are you basing that on?"
(I think Narc is just bitter because he was picked on in high school. He left for college after just two years. Smart kid.)
Later we got into some sort of discussion about childhood trauma. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I said something about having "abandonment issues."
"No. You don't have abandonment issues," he declared.
"What? What the fuck do you know about it?" I was really annoyed.
I think it was clear how irked I was because he backed down a little.
"Well, maybe it's condescending for me to say that to you."
"I'd say... It's condescending to think that you can diagnose me or that you know me better than I know myself."
"Fair enough."
Narc and I were definitely butting heads. He thinks he's smarter than everyone else. (At least that's the story he tells himself). Normally I don't challenge that (I like to make him feel good by catering to it), but when it really comes down to it, I don't think he's one shred smarter than I am. Narc and I found ourselves engaged in a mini-War-of-the-Egos.
At around 2:00 am, Flute was closing up. Narc and I went back out onto the street.
"Now what?" he asked.
"Home, I guess," I said. I tried to be casual. "Did you want to go home together?"
He was surprised I even asked.
"Of course!"
I suggested his place. (I had secretly taken along my overnight stuff, just in case.)
"Well, yours is closer," he said.
"Yeah, but I have to be out of the house super-early tomorrow. I have to go give a final. At your place I could just leave, but if we go to mine, I'd have to wake you up."
"That's okay. I should wake up early anyway."
"Early-early? Like before 9:00?"
"Yeah, it's okay."
"You promise you'll get up with me?"
"I promise."
We grabbed a cab back to my apartment.
"Want to go see if Cheers is still open?" I asked.
"Sure."
When we got to the door, they appeared to be closed, but I could still see IrishBird, PumpedUp and FightingMensch inside. I pounded on the door. IrishBird came and opened it.
"I'm sorry love, but we're closed."
"Oh, that's okay," I said. "I just wanted to introduce you to Narc."
Her eyes widened. She was excited.
"So this is the Narc?"
She told him that he should "take care" because he has such a "smart, beautiful and wonderful" girl (her words, not mine). After a few minutes Narc and I headed back to my place for whiskey. (By the next morning the two of us had finished of 2/3 of a bottle of Jack. That was on top of my previous 4 drinks at Paramount, 4-5 glasses of wine with dinner, and 3 drinks at Flute. God knows how much he had. We were wasted, to say the least.)
I don't remember much of the tail end of the night. Narc kept asking me to put on romantic piano music. Whatever I put on, though, he rejected. Finally I put on the Faure Requiem because I wanted to hear it, and I refused to change it. (Not like he protested all that much). Narc likes to be in control of the environment, and I always let him control the remote, the music choices, etc. But this was my house, and I was feeling feisty.
Later, Narc complained to me.
"Don't you think it's strange that my reputation precedes me with all of your friends?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they all think they know me. I don't like that feeling. I lived on camera for a few years and had to deal with strangers thinking they knew me all the time, but they really didn't."
"What the fuck, Narc? My friends don't think they know you. They're just my friends. I talk about my life to my friends. I've been 'seeing you' for 10 months now. How could they not have heard of you? I mean, don't you tell your friends about me?"
"No."
"Not at all?"
"Well, CouchSleeper, yes..."
"Ok. So it's just like that."
Really, I think Narc just can't stand not being in control. He's so careful to cultivate the way he comes across to people and he has no idea how I represent him. It made me think of something he had said on Saturday when we were talking about blogging. He said that he disabled the comments on his blog.
"Not me," I said. "I love getting comments on my blog."
"Why? Why do you care what other people think?"
"I don't know... It's like having a little support system out there."
"Like what?" he asked. 'Like they tell you 'Oh! You're right! That guy is such a jerk...'"
"Exactly!" I laughed.
Later I realized that his remark was revealing. He knows he's been jerking me around for months (he's said as much several times in the past) and is now afraid of what other people think of him.
Anyway, back to our conversation on Tuesday night--
I tried to reassure him.
"Listen, Narc. I love you. I told you that I love you just the way that you are. And anyone I've spoken to about you knows that."
For some reason I was sitting on the floor and he was up on the bar stool at my kitchen counter.
"Come down here," I said.
He came down to the floor. We had sex. And that's the last think I remember about Tuesday night.
Wednesday:
Just a few hours later I awoke to my alarm. I felt like shit but knew I had to get up for work. I nudged Narc. He let out half a snore, but hardly stirred. He sleeps like a bear! I got dressed and tried waking him again, but with no success. I had to go. I quickly perused the house for anything I wouldn't want him to see, cleared the "history" off my internet browser, and took off. I was feeling very pessimistic about the previous night. (As you can tell from my post "Not According to Plan.") I left him a note saying that I'd be back at noon, but I doubted that he would stick around.
As the two hours ticked by that I sat watching my students take their final exam, my stomach was literally tied up in knots. Would Narc still be there when I got back? I bolted right after class, getting back as soon as I could. To my surprise, he was there! He was stretched out naked on my living room couch, half draped by my white eyelet blanket, watching Fargo.
"Hey! I'm glad you're still here!"
I pushed him over a little on the couch and lay down next to him. It was a tight fit. He grabbed onto me firmly and pulled me in so that my face was buried in his chest. We lay like that for a while until I managed to turn my head and catch a portion of the movie. Narc dosed off. I lay on top of him, and changed the channel to my soaps. It was absolute perfection!
When he woke up he said that he was hungry for pizza. I volunteered to go out and get us some (as neither of us had enough cash on us for delivery). Narc and I ate the pizza and had a lot of afternoon sex. (Some of this I already blogged about.) Because of my botched attempt at taping American Idol, we headed down to his place. I brought work to do and we had such a nice afternoon--a lot more sex, and then just hung out being cozy together. He watched TV while I graded papers. We spent the entire evening that way. Neither of us mentioned any of the mini-drama from the night before. I absolutely love that about him--no matter what either of us does or says while drunk, all is forgotten and forgiven in the morning. I think that's why I've always looked past his drunken insults. It's like an unspoken pact between us.
At around 8:00, we both got a chocolate craving, so I volunteered to go get some more ice cream. When I came back we watched the America Idol results show together. Then we showered (wink!) and went back to more TV and ice cream. He's just as much a hedonist as I am. I love it! At one point, a friend of his called and asked him what he was up to.
"Just hanging out with my friend Hyde," he said.
I loved that he mentioned my name!
By 11:00 or so, I was exhausted beyond belief. While Narc had slept in until nearly noon, I was running on just a few hours of sleep. I started to doze off, my head in his lap. When I realized that I had reached the point of no return, I told him that I was going to head in for the night.
"Ok. Get some rest. I'll be in in a little while."
It was strange. Very "couple-y" behavior.
And so that brings us back to Thursday and my reunion at Cheers with NextDoorNeighbor.
We stayed out at Cheers pretty late last night and I drank more than I should have. BarMan brought out the karaoke even though it was a Thursday, and I got to sing my favorite number.
NextDoorNeighbor and I talked all about his trip. He told me he had turned down a chance to get laid in Mexico. (Silly boy!) He met a girl at his hotel (also a tourist). I saw her picture. She was pretty cute. His reason for turning her down (after all the effort we put in to find him someone before he left)--
"Well, if she'd sleep with me, then she's probably been with a lot of guys..."
"So? Use a condom."
"Yeah, but still..."
I swear-- I'll never understand men.
Later he bought a box of hair color. He desperately wanted me to help him dye his hair that very night. It was a box of frosty blonde, and I think he probaly chose it in drunkeness. I was way too tired to put in the effort and way too drunk to be of any real assistance, so I told him I was going to bed.
Today was an interesting day at school. I had to confront two students who plagiarized on their papers, whike two other students gave me very nice "thank you's" for the semester. One boy I had helped out in particular. He was supposed to have taken the final on Wednesday, but sent me an email late Tuesday night, freaking out that he was unprepared. I told him he could take it with my Friday class. He was so grateful that he gave me a card and a handshake on his way out. After that, I had a Japanese student tell me in broken English that even though she's only been in the US for a short time and has trouble with her English, that she "learned so much about history" and that she now wants to learn more. That girl is smart. She did really well on her paper despite the obvious language difficulty. She must have worked on it for ages. She said "thank you" and bowed to me a few times on her way out. It was sweet.
So I guess that's it for now. Even though I'm tired and hungry and had to deal with two cheaters today, my appreciative students put me in a good mood. Tonight both Bro-in-Law and Jake are having little parties, so I will be a busy girl flitting all about town.
Later...
h
Yesterday morning I left Narc's place early. I had to call my therapist (in Switzerland) but I didn't want to call from his house. I knew he would be leaving for the airport soon enough anyway. I was a little sad because I had fallen asleep ahead of him the night before and had now woken up earlier, so there wasn't much time for "cuddling." In any case, I got up, got dressed and leaned in to kiss him goodbye.
"Have a good trip."
He rolled over.
"Yeah. I'll have to tell you all about it when I get back."
Back at my place, I went over the events of the weekend with my therapist and also talked to her about the Anxious situation. She shored me up to confront Anxious about the ways in which she keeps putting me down. When we hung up, I sent Anxious an email telling her that her comments about the Stallion were insulting and that I'm sick of her taking jabs at me. She wrote back that she's sick of my "hypersensitivity." Well, what she calls my "hypersensitivity," I call her tactlessness. I didn't respond to her letter. I'm just not going to engage with her on that level. The bottom line is that she consistently hurts my feelings and either she's willing to apologize or she's not. Much later (at around 1:00 am last night), I got a message from her. She was tearful and said that she "can't imagine her life without me." Well, this has been going on for months now, so she may just have to. I haven't responded to her yet, because I'm still not quite sure what I want to do about it.
After sending Anxious the initial email yesterday morning, I called B in the Philippines with a phone-card I bought the previous day. We spoke for an hour or so. It's crazy how much I miss him yet he hasn't even been gone for a whole week!
For the rest of the afternoon I stayed home and worked on the mounds of papers I still had to grade. (And lucky me-- just as I've finished those, I now have a hundred final exams to work my way through!) I was so fucking tired that I dozed off at around 4:00 in the afternoon and didn't wake up again until 6:30. I scrambled to finish my work and still have time to meet NextDoorNeighbor for a drink. By the time I called him at around 10:00, he was having dinner with his ex-girlfriend. (He was tipsy and asked me if he should try to have sex with her. I told him that I didn't think it was such a good idea). We agreed that when he was free he would meet me at Cheers. I headed out.
When NextDoorNeighbor finally arrived, he showed me all of his pictures from Mexico and asked me to catch him up on what had been going on between me and Narc. Since I didn't really give any of you much detail about Tuesday and Wednesday's happenings. I'll recount the past few days for you now, just as it was told to NextDoorNeighbor last night.
Tuesday:
All day Tuesday I was so nervous about the upcoming dinner party. I spent the morning with my stepbrother and (like I said in a previous post) it was absolutely amazing. He is so much more expressive and interactive now and his personality is really coming back. LilSis, JBC and I helped him eat lunch and entertained him for a while with playing cards and tic-tac-toe. At around 1:00 my two stepsisters arrived and LilSis and JBC dropped me off at the train station to head back to the city.
Narc had texted me while I was at the hospital:
Meeting ----- at Times Square at 6 pm for an hour or so, can meet you after around 7:30 for a drink in the area, then dinner at 8:45.
I wrote back:
Sounds good. Heading back to the city now. Just call or txt 1/2 hour or so before you want me there to tell me where exactly to meet you...
So it seemed as if he were actually planning to keep the date. I didn't want to trust it. I felt a little overwhelmed with a strange mix of feelings and I wasn't quite sure where to put them.
That said, my nerves would have to be put on hold. I didn't have much time to think of anything at all, because I had to run to the school where I teach to photocopy the next day's exams. While I was in the copy room a senior faculty member came in and looked over my shoulder at the exam. He asked if he could read it. I was embarrassed, but complied. To my delight he was very impressed. He asked if he could have a copy of the test and I gave him one of the study guides I had written as well. He even showed it to another professor who walked by. They asked about my career plans and I told them that I was at the end of my teaching fellowship and would have to find work in the fall as an adjunct.
"Well, if I have anything to do with it, you'd be hired back with honors!" he said.
Yay!
When I finished up with all that, I hopped in a cab back to my neighborhood and stopped by the liquor store to pick up some wine for the party (that put me out about $40). Hammer called and told me to get dressed up for the event. I didn't really want to. I explained that I didn't want to appear as if I were trying "too hard" for him. I didn't want Narc to feel overwhelmed. Plus, I just couldn't allow myself get too excited about the whole occasion. It would make it hurt that much worse when things fall apart.
The bottom line is that I really don't trust that Narc will come through for me. Every single time in the past that I've asked him to make a plan, he's come up with some excuse. Then there was that awful trilogy of events in February--he stood me up for the opera, he masturbated in front of Anxious, and in my greatest moment of need (the week of my brother's car crash) he completely let me fall. Why should this be any different? Reading back over my description of Saturday night, the inner-conflict that all of this yo-yo behavior has caused me is clear. I want to tell Narc that I love him. I want to believe that he loves me. I want to let myself go and to fall in to him, trusting that he'll be there. I want some kind of real relationship, but I just don't know whether he's capable or willing.
Anyway, all of this was stirring inside me on Tuesday evening, fostering in me an unarticulated anxiety. I got dressed and left my place, walking to Cheers in the rain. One whiskey to calm my nerves shouldn't be too bad. I said hi to IrishBird, drank my one glass of Jack and headed off to meet Narc.
We met up at the Paramount in Times Square. He was inside with two friends, but came out to greet me on the curb. I thought it was sweet. He was wearing his infamous velvet blazer. Things seemed to start off okay, but back inside his mood darkened. He was cold and stand-offish and was really sort of ignoring me. I felt like I had to keep talking to keep the energy up. On top of that, we were now running really late for the dinner party. If I were more comfortable with him, I would have pressed him to leave, but I just couldn't. Instead, I calmed my nerves with three more drinks on an empty stomach. Uh oh. I told Narc that I was starting to feel the alcohol.
"Don't worry," he said. "You can't tell."
"Ok. But why do you seem so down today?" I asked. ("down," "awkward," "cold," "distant," "not at all like the boy who told me two nights ago that he loves me...")
"I'm not down," he shrugged. "Just tired."
Back out in the rain, we had trouble finding a cab. At this point we were nearly 45 minutes late and when we arrived, Hammer and the Wizard were upset. Narc was still being distant, and I was slightly drunk, getting more depressed by the minute. I tried to pull myself out of it to have a good time. Now in retrospect I fear I may have been self-sabatoging. It's almost as if I were looking for everything to go wrong because I didn't trust anything to go right.
The Wizard has a beautiful apartment with a glorious view of the Park. He and Hammer had gone all out for the occasion and set a beautiful table, bought the best quality steaks (to be seared on the Wizard's special pan!) and made it a truly lovely evening for us.
Talk at the dinner table was nice as well. It was strange to hear Narc tell things about himself, all of which I already knew. I think I know a lot more about him than he does about me, only because I get pleasure from hearing him endlessly chatter on about himself, but only recently have I begun to do the same. Hammer and Narc exchanged Mac software. It was cute. But even though things seemed fine on the surface, the whole situation made me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure where to file all of it in my head. Were we there as a couple? Were we there as friends? Does this mean that I can call him now just to talk or hang out? Is he willing to try to make something work? Or is this all going to go back to the 4:00 am "come fuck me" phone calls with no mention of anything else?
It was hard for me to do the dinner. I kept drinking and must have finished at least 4-5 glasses of wine. The Wizard wanted to show us the terrace, so Narc and I walked out there for a smoke. He finished his first, but didn't wait for me to do the same.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Back inside. It's cold."
I was really upset that he didn't wait with me, or at least ask if I minded if he went back in. Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I felt myself begin to sink. I just stayed out on the terrace alone in the cold. I can get so fucking dramatic. I didn't even pause to think that I might be behaving rudely towards our hosts.
Finally back inside, the Wizard had the fire going. I pulled Hammer aside and told her I felt like Narc was ignoring me.
"He's just trying to be polite to us," she said. "Don't be so sensitive. It's fine. It's going fine."
I didn't believe her. I laid down on the floor near the fireplace and kind of retreated into my own little world as the others talked. In my mind, I had already written the Narc-relationship part of the night off as a disaster. Again, now that I have a little bit of distance from the whole thing, I suspect that I was self-sabotaging in order to protect myself from what I was sure would be an inevitable disappointment.
We all started to get tired at around 12:30 and Narc and I gathered ourselves to leave. We thanked them for the dinner, apologized again for being late, and set off into the night.
Narc asked if I wanted to go for another drink.
"Sure. I know a place just a few blocks down." (Ironically, we headed to the same place where I had been on a date with SeattleGuy a few months ago).
As we walked, Narc asked me about Hammer and the Wizard.
"How long have they been seeing each other? I thought she was dating that PunyBoy..."
(The only other time Hammer and Narc met was back in November. She and the Wizard were temporarily estranged due to some drama (a la OG) and Hammer had PunyBoy as an out of town visitor. It was a disaster. She just wasn't into him and had to spend the whole weekend trying to find ways to avoid hooking up with him. I was out with the two of them the night Narc met us at KGB.)
I explained the situation to Narc.
"Oh, ok. 'Cause the Wizard's much cooler," he said.
"I agree."
We walked on, heading into Flute on 54th street. There we sat at the bar and talked and drank some more. For some reason, though, we kept bickering. I never argue with him, so it was strange. But he just kept getting on my nerves.
We ended up getting into a discussion about high school and Narc delivered an impressive speech about why high school as an institution is a waste, and should be abolished. I had to disagree.
"I loved high school," I told him. "I feel like I learned a lot and I really flourished. It gave me a lot of confidence and self-esteem in those years. I was president of fucking everything and I think I really learned how to work with adults...how to present myself."
"Well, if you're all about authority, that's why you want to go into academia," he said.
I didn't understand the connection, and the comment really irritated me.
"I would hardly say I'm 'all about authority,' Narc. Besides, you have no fucking clue why I want to study history."
I tried to explain to him that it's sort of a spiritual thing for me. He brushed my comments aside and told me that my high school experience "obviously wasn't representative."
"Oh, but yours is?" I demanded. "And what exactly are you basing that on?"
(I think Narc is just bitter because he was picked on in high school. He left for college after just two years. Smart kid.)
Later we got into some sort of discussion about childhood trauma. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but I said something about having "abandonment issues."
"No. You don't have abandonment issues," he declared.
"What? What the fuck do you know about it?" I was really annoyed.
I think it was clear how irked I was because he backed down a little.
"Well, maybe it's condescending for me to say that to you."
"I'd say... It's condescending to think that you can diagnose me or that you know me better than I know myself."
"Fair enough."
Narc and I were definitely butting heads. He thinks he's smarter than everyone else. (At least that's the story he tells himself). Normally I don't challenge that (I like to make him feel good by catering to it), but when it really comes down to it, I don't think he's one shred smarter than I am. Narc and I found ourselves engaged in a mini-War-of-the-Egos.
At around 2:00 am, Flute was closing up. Narc and I went back out onto the street.
"Now what?" he asked.
"Home, I guess," I said. I tried to be casual. "Did you want to go home together?"
He was surprised I even asked.
"Of course!"
I suggested his place. (I had secretly taken along my overnight stuff, just in case.)
"Well, yours is closer," he said.
"Yeah, but I have to be out of the house super-early tomorrow. I have to go give a final. At your place I could just leave, but if we go to mine, I'd have to wake you up."
"That's okay. I should wake up early anyway."
"Early-early? Like before 9:00?"
"Yeah, it's okay."
"You promise you'll get up with me?"
"I promise."
We grabbed a cab back to my apartment.
"Want to go see if Cheers is still open?" I asked.
"Sure."
When we got to the door, they appeared to be closed, but I could still see IrishBird, PumpedUp and FightingMensch inside. I pounded on the door. IrishBird came and opened it.
"I'm sorry love, but we're closed."
"Oh, that's okay," I said. "I just wanted to introduce you to Narc."
Her eyes widened. She was excited.
"So this is the Narc?"
She told him that he should "take care" because he has such a "smart, beautiful and wonderful" girl (her words, not mine). After a few minutes Narc and I headed back to my place for whiskey. (By the next morning the two of us had finished of 2/3 of a bottle of Jack. That was on top of my previous 4 drinks at Paramount, 4-5 glasses of wine with dinner, and 3 drinks at Flute. God knows how much he had. We were wasted, to say the least.)
I don't remember much of the tail end of the night. Narc kept asking me to put on romantic piano music. Whatever I put on, though, he rejected. Finally I put on the Faure Requiem because I wanted to hear it, and I refused to change it. (Not like he protested all that much). Narc likes to be in control of the environment, and I always let him control the remote, the music choices, etc. But this was my house, and I was feeling feisty.
Later, Narc complained to me.
"Don't you think it's strange that my reputation precedes me with all of your friends?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they all think they know me. I don't like that feeling. I lived on camera for a few years and had to deal with strangers thinking they knew me all the time, but they really didn't."
"What the fuck, Narc? My friends don't think they know you. They're just my friends. I talk about my life to my friends. I've been 'seeing you' for 10 months now. How could they not have heard of you? I mean, don't you tell your friends about me?"
"No."
"Not at all?"
"Well, CouchSleeper, yes..."
"Ok. So it's just like that."
Really, I think Narc just can't stand not being in control. He's so careful to cultivate the way he comes across to people and he has no idea how I represent him. It made me think of something he had said on Saturday when we were talking about blogging. He said that he disabled the comments on his blog.
"Not me," I said. "I love getting comments on my blog."
"Why? Why do you care what other people think?"
"I don't know... It's like having a little support system out there."
"Like what?" he asked. 'Like they tell you 'Oh! You're right! That guy is such a jerk...'"
"Exactly!" I laughed.
Later I realized that his remark was revealing. He knows he's been jerking me around for months (he's said as much several times in the past) and is now afraid of what other people think of him.
Anyway, back to our conversation on Tuesday night--
I tried to reassure him.
"Listen, Narc. I love you. I told you that I love you just the way that you are. And anyone I've spoken to about you knows that."
For some reason I was sitting on the floor and he was up on the bar stool at my kitchen counter.
"Come down here," I said.
He came down to the floor. We had sex. And that's the last think I remember about Tuesday night.
Wednesday:
Just a few hours later I awoke to my alarm. I felt like shit but knew I had to get up for work. I nudged Narc. He let out half a snore, but hardly stirred. He sleeps like a bear! I got dressed and tried waking him again, but with no success. I had to go. I quickly perused the house for anything I wouldn't want him to see, cleared the "history" off my internet browser, and took off. I was feeling very pessimistic about the previous night. (As you can tell from my post "Not According to Plan.") I left him a note saying that I'd be back at noon, but I doubted that he would stick around.
As the two hours ticked by that I sat watching my students take their final exam, my stomach was literally tied up in knots. Would Narc still be there when I got back? I bolted right after class, getting back as soon as I could. To my surprise, he was there! He was stretched out naked on my living room couch, half draped by my white eyelet blanket, watching Fargo.
"Hey! I'm glad you're still here!"
I pushed him over a little on the couch and lay down next to him. It was a tight fit. He grabbed onto me firmly and pulled me in so that my face was buried in his chest. We lay like that for a while until I managed to turn my head and catch a portion of the movie. Narc dosed off. I lay on top of him, and changed the channel to my soaps. It was absolute perfection!
When he woke up he said that he was hungry for pizza. I volunteered to go out and get us some (as neither of us had enough cash on us for delivery). Narc and I ate the pizza and had a lot of afternoon sex. (Some of this I already blogged about.) Because of my botched attempt at taping American Idol, we headed down to his place. I brought work to do and we had such a nice afternoon--a lot more sex, and then just hung out being cozy together. He watched TV while I graded papers. We spent the entire evening that way. Neither of us mentioned any of the mini-drama from the night before. I absolutely love that about him--no matter what either of us does or says while drunk, all is forgotten and forgiven in the morning. I think that's why I've always looked past his drunken insults. It's like an unspoken pact between us.
At around 8:00, we both got a chocolate craving, so I volunteered to go get some more ice cream. When I came back we watched the America Idol results show together. Then we showered (wink!) and went back to more TV and ice cream. He's just as much a hedonist as I am. I love it! At one point, a friend of his called and asked him what he was up to.
"Just hanging out with my friend Hyde," he said.
I loved that he mentioned my name!
By 11:00 or so, I was exhausted beyond belief. While Narc had slept in until nearly noon, I was running on just a few hours of sleep. I started to doze off, my head in his lap. When I realized that I had reached the point of no return, I told him that I was going to head in for the night.
"Ok. Get some rest. I'll be in in a little while."
It was strange. Very "couple-y" behavior.
And so that brings us back to Thursday and my reunion at Cheers with NextDoorNeighbor.
We stayed out at Cheers pretty late last night and I drank more than I should have. BarMan brought out the karaoke even though it was a Thursday, and I got to sing my favorite number.
NextDoorNeighbor and I talked all about his trip. He told me he had turned down a chance to get laid in Mexico. (Silly boy!) He met a girl at his hotel (also a tourist). I saw her picture. She was pretty cute. His reason for turning her down (after all the effort we put in to find him someone before he left)--
"Well, if she'd sleep with me, then she's probably been with a lot of guys..."
"So? Use a condom."
"Yeah, but still..."
I swear-- I'll never understand men.
Later he bought a box of hair color. He desperately wanted me to help him dye his hair that very night. It was a box of frosty blonde, and I think he probaly chose it in drunkeness. I was way too tired to put in the effort and way too drunk to be of any real assistance, so I told him I was going to bed.
Today was an interesting day at school. I had to confront two students who plagiarized on their papers, whike two other students gave me very nice "thank you's" for the semester. One boy I had helped out in particular. He was supposed to have taken the final on Wednesday, but sent me an email late Tuesday night, freaking out that he was unprepared. I told him he could take it with my Friday class. He was so grateful that he gave me a card and a handshake on his way out. After that, I had a Japanese student tell me in broken English that even though she's only been in the US for a short time and has trouble with her English, that she "learned so much about history" and that she now wants to learn more. That girl is smart. She did really well on her paper despite the obvious language difficulty. She must have worked on it for ages. She said "thank you" and bowed to me a few times on her way out. It was sweet.
So I guess that's it for now. Even though I'm tired and hungry and had to deal with two cheaters today, my appreciative students put me in a good mood. Tonight both Bro-in-Law and Jake are having little parties, so I will be a busy girl flitting all about town.
Later...
h
Thursday, May 26, 2005
The Reassessment
Well, I have to say--things with Narc were not as bad as I thought they were. I wish I had the time to go into all of this in more depth right now, but I'm insanely swamped with work, and will be through the weekend. So I'll have to keep it brief.
When I got back from teaching on Wednesday, Narc was still at my house. We spent much of the afternoon here and ordered in a pizza. I wanted to watch "American Idol" which I had taped on Tuesday night, but the tape didn't come out because of a problem with the clock on my television. Narc suggested we go watch it at his place--he TiVo'd it. I took my work and we headed downtown and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together there. It was much nicer than the night before, and he was being pretty sweet to me.
All in all, I'm still kind of confused. The last time we spent so much time together was late January/early February. Does this mean that we're back on, or is he still going to try to "put space" between us? Who knows... I left his place this morning and won't see him again for a while because he's going on that "retreat" this weekend.
So here's the rundown:
Saw him Saturday night-Sunday morning
Sunday evening-Monday afternoon
Tuesday evening-Thursday morning
The Bottom line--this week brought us closer than we've ever been before (in a comfortable "everydayness" kind of way.) But I'm still hesitant to count on where things will go from here.
Strange.
I've got to put it aside now, though, and focus on other things. I'm tired of drama anyway.
In other news, my stepbrother is doing so much better. He started to talk (only a handful of words) and can even play tic tac toe now. Fucking amazing! I saw him on Tuesday morning and played a game with him. I brought the paper home to hang up in my house.
Hmm...what else? Anxious told me that she "hates" my black hair. (She hasn't even seen it! It was dark 5 years ago, and she's basing her comment on that). Well, combined with the obnoxious email that she sent me last week, it was enough to provoke a response. I wrote her an email today telling her that I found her comments to be offensive and that if I want her opinion I'll ask for it. She wrote me back that she think's I'm the one who's fucked up and either I can call her to clear it up or that's the end of our friendship. If she can't see what I'm talking about, though, I'm nearly ready to end the friendship. I've got to think this through some more...
NextDoorNeighbor got back from Mexico last night, and I'm glad about that. I'll probably get a drink with him tonight and catch up on everything.
That said, I have SOOOOO much work to do, that I don't expect to be able to blog as much as usual. But I'll try to catch up on some of the details of the past few days when I can. Hope you are all doing well!
lol,
Hyde
When I got back from teaching on Wednesday, Narc was still at my house. We spent much of the afternoon here and ordered in a pizza. I wanted to watch "American Idol" which I had taped on Tuesday night, but the tape didn't come out because of a problem with the clock on my television. Narc suggested we go watch it at his place--he TiVo'd it. I took my work and we headed downtown and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together there. It was much nicer than the night before, and he was being pretty sweet to me.
All in all, I'm still kind of confused. The last time we spent so much time together was late January/early February. Does this mean that we're back on, or is he still going to try to "put space" between us? Who knows... I left his place this morning and won't see him again for a while because he's going on that "retreat" this weekend.
So here's the rundown:
Saw him Saturday night-Sunday morning
Sunday evening-Monday afternoon
Tuesday evening-Thursday morning
The Bottom line--this week brought us closer than we've ever been before (in a comfortable "everydayness" kind of way.) But I'm still hesitant to count on where things will go from here.
Strange.
I've got to put it aside now, though, and focus on other things. I'm tired of drama anyway.
In other news, my stepbrother is doing so much better. He started to talk (only a handful of words) and can even play tic tac toe now. Fucking amazing! I saw him on Tuesday morning and played a game with him. I brought the paper home to hang up in my house.
Hmm...what else? Anxious told me that she "hates" my black hair. (She hasn't even seen it! It was dark 5 years ago, and she's basing her comment on that). Well, combined with the obnoxious email that she sent me last week, it was enough to provoke a response. I wrote her an email today telling her that I found her comments to be offensive and that if I want her opinion I'll ask for it. She wrote me back that she think's I'm the one who's fucked up and either I can call her to clear it up or that's the end of our friendship. If she can't see what I'm talking about, though, I'm nearly ready to end the friendship. I've got to think this through some more...
NextDoorNeighbor got back from Mexico last night, and I'm glad about that. I'll probably get a drink with him tonight and catch up on everything.
That said, I have SOOOOO much work to do, that I don't expect to be able to blog as much as usual. But I'll try to catch up on some of the details of the past few days when I can. Hope you are all doing well!
lol,
Hyde
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Not According to Plan
Well, what can I say? Last night did NOT go according to plan.
Narc was moody when I met up with him; we got to the Wizard's place late, and throughout the night I felt like Narc was completely brushing me off. He was being way different than he had been the two nights before.
After the dinner Narc and I said goodnight to Hammer and the Wizard and went out for more drinks. I was already depressed and he was being a bit of an ass (not to mention a little condescending as well). On our way back to my place, we tried to stop by Cheers, but they were closed. IrishBird popped her head out and said hi (which caused a mini-fight between me and Narc later).
Back at my place, things went from bad to worse. We just kept getting in little arguments. Finally, we stopped bickering and had sex on the floor, but it wasn't nearly rough enough to take care of all of the negative energy so I was disappointed. Later, I fell and hurt my knee. We went to bed at about 6:00 am. I had to wake up just an hour and a half later to come give a final.
When I let him come home with me last night Narc had PROMISED he would get up with me and leave this morning (I didn't want to leave him alone in my house). When I tried to wake him, I couldn't budge him (typical!), so I had to leave him there.
I'm sure he won't be there when I get back (although I hope he will!). It's reminding me of when I left him there with Anxious.
So much for all of the hope from this weekend. Back to reality, I guess.
More details on the dinner party to follow...
-crushed hyde-
Narc was moody when I met up with him; we got to the Wizard's place late, and throughout the night I felt like Narc was completely brushing me off. He was being way different than he had been the two nights before.
After the dinner Narc and I said goodnight to Hammer and the Wizard and went out for more drinks. I was already depressed and he was being a bit of an ass (not to mention a little condescending as well). On our way back to my place, we tried to stop by Cheers, but they were closed. IrishBird popped her head out and said hi (which caused a mini-fight between me and Narc later).
Back at my place, things went from bad to worse. We just kept getting in little arguments. Finally, we stopped bickering and had sex on the floor, but it wasn't nearly rough enough to take care of all of the negative energy so I was disappointed. Later, I fell and hurt my knee. We went to bed at about 6:00 am. I had to wake up just an hour and a half later to come give a final.
When I let him come home with me last night Narc had PROMISED he would get up with me and leave this morning (I didn't want to leave him alone in my house). When I tried to wake him, I couldn't budge him (typical!), so I had to leave him there.
I'm sure he won't be there when I get back (although I hope he will!). It's reminding me of when I left him there with Anxious.
So much for all of the hope from this weekend. Back to reality, I guess.
More details on the dinner party to follow...
-crushed hyde-
Monday, May 23, 2005
Bells are Ringing
Disclaimer: It's late, I'm exhausted and it took me a long time to write this, so I'm not going to bother to edit or spell check. Hope there aren't too many mistakes!
What started out as a rather normal week took a sudden twist this weekend that I never would have seen coming. Up until Saturday night, the week was rather slow. Maybe it's because of all of the school work that I've had to do, or maybe it's because I've been run down with a bacterial infection, but in any case, I just haven't been much in the mood for partying or adventure. I went out drinking on Tuesday night, but after that had a dry stretch all the way through Saturday--one that took no effort at all. I really feel like I'm starting to come out of my insane partying mode, which is a good thing. My life could use just a tad more moderation.
Anyway, on Friday night I was completely wiped out after teaching. My department hosted its end of the semester party, but I was much too tired to attend. After the party, a bunch of friends headed out for Mexican and a game of pool, calling me to come join, but again--I was too tired. Instead, I stayed at home for a cozy night of television. (I watched another "Dr. Phil Primetime" Special, the Daytime Emmy's and the cast of 24 on Charlie Rose.) On Saturday I wasted the morning fiddling with my blog and spent the afternoon at the public library grading papers. I bumped into Hammer and the Wizard at the library, and when they were ready to leave at around 5:00, I got up to leave with them. Hammer and I chatted for a while, before I headed towards home. As I passed Cheers, I couldn't help but drop in to say hello to BarMan.
Like I've said before, I love Cheers on Saturday afternoons because it's always completely empty. In fact, for much of the afternoon/early evening, I was the only one there. BarMan and I talked about anything and everything. He's just a really cool guy. I drank diet cokes and continued to grade papers. By 8:00 IrishBird and the rest of the evening staff started to show up. She asked me what my plans were for the rest of the night.
"I don't know," I told her. "I'm still trying to figure that out. What I do know is that I'm having really strong Narc feelings today. I guess I'm going to try not to call him."
"Oh, please don't call him, Hyde! Why don't you come hang out here with us tonight? And you don't even have to drink," she said. "Just make it a night with friends--no self-destruction and no going to see Narc. That man is bad for you."
"He's not that bad," I said.
I thought about trying to explain it all once again, but decided that it wasn't worth the effort.
All I could muster was a weak "Hmm... I don't know."
In my head, I knew that it didn't make a difference whether he's "good" or "bad." I wouldn't get to see him either way. I never get to see Narc on my terms, and I had no reason to believe that he would respond to my texts or calls if I bothered to initiate.
I left Cheers at around 9:00 and told them that I'd probably see them all later. I was feeling a little blue. It was a Saturday night and I had no plans. Not only that, but I hadn't gone out at all on Friday either. Hammer was busy in "paper-mode," VJ had her new boyfriend in town and B was out with his girlfriend. I picked up a few slices of pizza and made my way home in the rain. I couldn't help but think about Narc. Maybe he was on my mind because we've been in touch so much more this month. (Brief rundown: He was at my place April 22nd-23rd, I was at his on May 5th, then we exchanged emails on his birthday (the 10th), then I was back at his place on the 14th and the 15th and then we exchanged text messages this week, all week long.) I impulsively picked up the phone and decided to call him. I wasn't expecting him to answer. I figured I'd just get his voice mail and would then hang up. I called him from my landline (which comes up as a blocked number) and on the very last ring, he answered the phone. I was startled and caught off guard.
"Narc?"
"Yeah?"
"Um, hey" It's Hyde," I began awkwardly.
I felt so stupid--like a little kid. I didn't really know what to say. My mind was scrambled and my stomach was suddenly tied into knots, yet somehow I went on--while my mind froze, my mouth continued to converse. I asked him what he had been up to lately.
"The usual... Work," was his reply.
"Working all day today, then?" I asked.
"Well, no. Actually, I'm just getting back from brunch with a friend. We got rained out on the terrace."
"Brunch? Um, Narc--it's almost 10:00 at night!"
"Well, maybe not brunch then, but some meal... we were there for a few hours."
"Oh."
I rambled on a bit about how busy I had been, myself, and that after a day in the library I was trying to decide what to do with myself for the evening.
"Well, I'm just hanging out here at home," he said.
(Was that an invitation?)
"Oh, well, I don't know... Do you want to meet up tonight or something? Or are you working?"
(Damn! why was I so nervous?)
"Yeah, sure. You can pop by if you like," he said. "And we can figure something out."
"Great! I guess I can be there in an hour or so."
(Was this really happening?)
After we hung up, I ran to fix my makeup and then quickly went about throwing some things into an overnight bag. In the middle of all of that, Sunshine called. I talked to her on my cell for a while as I finished packing, crossed the street to the deli for a bottle of wine, and hopped into a cab down to Tribeca. As I pulled up to Narc's corner, I said goodbye to Sunshine and tried to ground myself. I really don't know why I was so nervous. On my way into his building, Hammer called.
"Hammer, I don't know why I feel like so awkward-- Like I'm a 4th-grader!"
"Just be yourself Hyde!" she advised.
I headed in.
Narc answered the door as usual--naked and erect. I didn't want to jump right into sex though. I wanted to see if there would be anything else for us without that. After all, it was only 11:00 and both of us were sober. I gave him a quick kiss hello and moved past him to drop my things in his entry hall. Then I made my way over to the couch. Narc followed, and we hung out watching TV for a while. He had TiVo'd some "American Idol" bloopers show that aired on Thursday night. We watched it and laughed together. We downed the bottle of wine, smoked some cigarettes and talked about a lot of things--mostly about his friends, and he told me stories about when he lived in New Orleans. At least two hours passed before we had sex. I was happy with that. Afterwards, Narc asked if I wanted to go out for a drink.
"Sure, why not?"
We threw on some clothes and were off.
I don't remember the name of the bar we went to, as I kind of just followed his lead through the streets of Tribeca. When we got there, we parked ourselves at the bar and I ordered a Jack on the rocks. He got a double-Jack and Coke. We were there for quite a few hours (and quite a few whiskeys!), and I don't remember every last detail of our conversations, but there were some remarkable moments. It was the most incredible and intense evening and I really feel like it changed things between the two of us. I only wish I had a more crystal clear memory of it so that I could tell it all here and now.
At one point we were talking about people who cheat on their mates. Narc said something about how monogamy is just a social construct.
"That may be so,"I said, "But even if it is, we still live within that framework, and have internalized those values. At least I have. I mean, I think I would have a hard time cheating, not necessarily from a moral point of view, but just in terms of comfort level."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, in the past, if I'm dating two people, but start to have real feelings for one of them, it feels dishonest and uncomfortable to me to date the other."
"Yeah, I know that about you," he said, pointedly.
(Basically, he was referring to our situation in November. I was dating SeattleGuy but started to recognize more and more my strong feeling for Narc. I told Narc about my emotional dilemma and asked if he wanted to step up and have any kind of real relationship with me; he told me that I could "do what I wanted to do," but that I shouldn't "break up with anyone else" for him.)
"So you remember that then? Back in the fall? Do you know that it's six months this week?" I asked.
"Six months since what?"
"Six months since that day we met up at KGB and then went back to your roof. Six months since I told you how I felt about you and decided not to be with anyone else. You do know how I feel about you, right?"
"Of course I know," he said.
"You say that, but do you really know?"
(Where was I going with this? All at once, I felt stupid.)
"I don't even know how to say what I--" I was becoming tongue-tied.
"What?"
"I don't know. This is foolish," I said. "I don't even know what I'm saying, and I can't--"
"Just spit it out, Hyde. Just say what you have to say. Put it on the table, you know?"
"Well..."
I took a deep breath.
"I love you."
Suddenly I felt like I was going into panic mode. I had made myself too vulnerable-- had somehow said too much. Why was I telling this guy that I love him? What the fuck is wrong with me?
"Um, I shouldn't have... Um, I--"
"Hyde, I know that," he said, squeezing my hand. "And you know how I feel about you too, right? He looked at me a little nervously.
"Sometimes... Well, no." I looked away. "I don't know, Narc. Maybe I should just go. Maybe I should go now."
I was still panicking. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to get away. I got up and raced down the stairs into the ladies room. I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to catch my breath. It seemed like an eternity passed. I counted to ten. Slowly, I started to feel more grounded. I decided to venture back up to the bar.
When I got back upstairs we got onto a much more neutral topic of conversation--blogging. Narc wanted to know the site of my blog.
"Um, I don't think so!" I told him.
"Well, why not?" he demanded. "You know my blog!"
"Yeah, but yours isn't like mine. Yours isn't as personal. Mine is more like a diary, and I can't trust you!"
(You guys, I would fucking die if he ever found this blog. I can't imagine what he'd think!)
He seemed offended.
"What do you mean, you can't trust me? I've never betrayed your trust. I've never told any of your secrets."
"I"m not talking about secrets, Narc. I'm talking about a different kind of trust. You know--when you share yourself with someone, and make yourself vulnerable to someone. I just don't trust that you're going to be there for me. I mean, you always fucking disappear."
A cloud passed over his face.
"Well, I told you that's how I am," he said.
Now I had him on the defensive. That's not what I wanted.
"I know that," I said. "And I'm not asking you to change," I said. "I fully accept you for who you are--I already told you that I love you the way you are. It's just that I just can't trust you that way. I can't lean on you. That's been your choice, and that's a fact."
Even later in the night, he mentioned to me that he's leaving town on Wednesday for some sort of spiritual retreat.
"It's not going to work though," he said. "They never do. I mean, I've been six months with my guru now and I'm still exactly the same as when we started."
"Then why bother?" I asked.
"Because I have to," he said. "Because I can't feel, and I have to figure out how to get past that."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like there's a steel plate here," he said, indicating his chest. "And I'm not living. I see other people all the time, feeling and living and having richness in their lives and I can't. It's like I'm a spectator. I go through life, but it doesn't touch me. I'm not living. And it's not fair... this is not what I want-- to feel so shut down, I mean. How could I not keep looking for a way out?"
"I don't think you're looking in the right places," I said. "Do you remember all those months ago when you told me you were looking for your 'muse'?"
"Well, I didn't mean another person," he interrupted. "I meant for something to inspire from within."
He seemed embarrassed.
"That's not true," I said. "You did mean another person. We had a whole conversation about it. You told me that you needed to find a woman to be your muse--someone healthy and grounded who would get you up to go jogging at 6:00 am. You told me that you needed a healer. Do you remember what I said?"
"No."
"Well, you were giving me reasons why you thought that I was 'bad for you,' or why we were 'bad for each other.' I told you that I may be the most unhealthy person that I know in a lot of ways, but that I think that I am a 'healer' in a lot of other ways--ways that you might appreciate, only, you don't want to look there."
"Yeah, I remember...we did that personality test."
"Right. But I think you're scared of what you need," I said.
"What do you think I need?"
"Love. And to learn to trust people-- to be able to make yourself vulnerable, exposed. You can't ever have intimacy or any kind of emotional connection to anyone if keep yourself so intensely protected. That's your steel plate for you. And I'm not saying it's simple. Love is the shittiest most painful thing when the other person disappoints you--it's almost unimaginable. But still, it's worth it."
"You sound like my guru now," he said. "The problem is that I don't know how to do that."
"It's a leap of faith. And it doesn't matter if it hurts. I love you, but it hurts. I still love love though."
"Don't say that though, about me hurting you. I never promised you anything."
"I'm not indicting you, Narc. But it still hurts. You'll never know how badly my heart was broken the day you stood me up for La Boheme."
"What? That was just some dumb oversleeping thing..."
"I don't think so," I turned back towards my drink.
"You think I did that on purpose?"
"Yes, I think you did that on purpose! I thought it then and I still think it now!"
"I swear to you that I didn't."
"Whatever... There's no use in arguing about it now."
"Why do you think that though?"
"Because, Narc! If you really felt badly about it, you would have offered to pay me for the tickets, or take me to a show to make up for it, or at least take me to lunch or SOMETHING. Instead, I came back to your place, and you laid around naked all day demanding sex and acting like it was no big deal."
"I didn't know you felt like that," he said. "I can still make it up to you. There's a dance show I wanted to go to. I can take you to that. Or maybe to an opera next season."
"That would be nice," I said. I didn't believe him about any of it though.
The rest of the time at the bar, we just talked a lot and had fun. A couple sat down next to us. One of them was a very masculine looking drag queen. They kept looking over at us as I was ordering drinks and he/she kept saying "I absolutely LOVE a girl who can handle her whiskey!" Then he/she kept telling Narc that he had a "dark-haired Italian beauty," which I thought was funny because I don't think I look at all Italian and for once, Narc didn't know what to say. We started talking to them about Hemingway and Narc said that Hemingway sucks, whereas I said he was sexy. (Narc said he prefers Fitzgerald.) We stayed past last call. At around 4:15 or so, the bartender let us light up, so we stayed and smoked and talked for a while more. Finally at about 4:45, we set off for his place.
Once in the street, Narc kissed me, and I started to feel nervous about things again. What was I getting myself into? I didn't want to start feeling things too intensely only to have the rug pulled out from under me. And let's not be stupid here--that's what's happened every single time I've let myself feel close to him in the past. I started thinking that maybe I should go home.
"Maybe I should go, Narc. I just don't know about this..."
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Of course you're coming home with me. Don't be silly!"
"No, Narc... I just feel exposed. You know? Maybe I should go."
"Listen. I promise I'll take care of you tonight," he said. "I want to take care of you."
He took my hand and held it so tightly and started to lead me back to his place. I didn't have the will to resist that. I just let myself fall into it.
Back at his place, we started kissing.
"I love you. I love you, Hyde," he said. He said it over and over.
I pulled back.
"Do you really Narc? Because don't say it if it's not true."
"It is true. It has been true, and you know it's true. It's just that I can't. I can't do it, and I just don't know..."
"It's okay," I said. "It doesn't matter."
I kissed him again to make the moment pass, but my heart was already full. We had sex for a few hours and he must have told me he loves me a hundred times. The night was absolutely perfect.
The next morning I woke up in his arms. I had set my alarm for 10:00 because I had plans to meet B at my apartment and I didn't want to be late again this week. When I went to get out of bed, Narc pulled me back in.
"No! Where are you going?"
"I'm coming back," I told him.
After brushing my teeth, I climbed back into bed and we spent an hour or so fucking. Then I really had to go. Narc had fallen back asleep.
"I had fun," I said, gently waking him. "I'll see you soon."
It was so strange. As soon as I was clothed, and we both knew I was leaving, it was like he completely pulled away. There was a coldness radiating from him, even in his half-asleep state. I felt his steel plate going back up.
"Sure," he said. "Soon."
I kissed him on the cheek and left.
When I got home, I tried to freshen myself up and get the whiskey off my breath before B arrived. B left for the Philippines on Monday, so Sunday was our last time seeing each other for three weeks. When he arrived we headed to the diner for brunch. I had absolutely delicious banana pancakes. (Yum!) Then we came back to my apartment to spend time together. We had such an awesome and cozy afternoon. We watched "Fiddler on the Roof" on channel 13 while he occasionally flipped to the baseball game. We sang songs, and listened to beautiful choral music. I was wiped out from the night before, and I fell asleep on his lap. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew the hour was approaching. It made me so sad. I'm going to miss him so much, even though it's just a short time. Sadness!
At 4:15 or so, I got a text. It was from Narc!!! He wrote:
How was church?
I don't know if you guys can imagine how that one little text made me feel. I had just left him that morning, but there he was, missing me already and initiating contact! I think that our raw and open discussion changed something for both of us. I think he really does believe that I love him. In the past, I think he's always been able to protect himself by writing me off as hyper-emotional. When we broke up in February he told me I would "get over him faster than I thought." But I'm still here, and maybe he's starting to trust that. In any case, I was elated. B wasn't set to leave until 6:00 though, and I didn't want to disrespect him by getting into a thing with Narc, so I decided to wait before responding. Once B was gone, I wrote back:
Didn't go to church. Met him after 4 lunch. Then did some work. Home now. What are you up to?
I collapsed onto the couch to watch some TV. It wasn't long before I heard back from Narc.
Just watching "Metallica" etc. Going to shower in a bit, can come join if you like... (wink)
Oh my god! I called Hammer in my excitement. I didn't want to see him in my current grimy state though. I wanted to shower myself and look pretty before making a return appearance. Plus, I had to work on writing a final exam and Hammer wanted to go for sushi. I needed to buy myself a few hours.
Hyde: Would love to, but have to write a final to give tomorrow & test software is on my computer here. In a few hours?
Narc: May be out with Dan later, but give a call.
Hyde: Ok. Expect to be done with work by 8:30. I'll call u then.
I showered, schminkened and finished my work much sooner than anticipated and raced downtown for sushi in the village. In the middle of my dinner with Hammer, I texted Narc again:
Hyde: Finishing up. See you soon??? (8:42 pm)
His answer?
Narc: Sure thing. Bring chocolate Ben & Jerry's! Need sugar.
Yay!!!
After dinner, Hammer walked me to the deli, and I found his very favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor--Brownie Batter. With that in hand, I hailed a cab back to Tribeca.
Narc answered the door naked again. He kissed me hello and I delivered his ice cream. He took it over to the couch where he was watching the tail end of Star Wars Episode 2. I told him I had never seen it.
"Did you catch the new one yet?" he asked.
"No."
"Wanna go?"
"Sure."
We ended up screwing around at his place for a while, but got interrupted by the clock, reminding us we had to be at the theater in 15 minutes if we were going to catch the 10:15 show. We threw our clothes on and were off.
I'm not a huge Star Wars person, but apparently Narc is (this was his second time seeing it already). I thought it was entertaining, but very clumsy at points. Plus, I was insanely exhausted as I had only slept about 4 hours the night before, and I'm still on a course of antibiotics. During the movie, Narc held my hand, and when I got tired, I rested my head on his shoulder. Sweet.
By the time the movie ended, both of us were falling asleep--maybe because we had both been drinking pretty hard the night before. We went back to his place and didn't even have sex, but instead, just fell asleep together. He likes to sleep in a way in which he pulls me in so tight that he's almost crushing me and I can't breathe. I like it though.
The next morning we woke up and had a lot more sex. I felt so close to him. After a while he got up and went web surfing. He read some spoilers for the season finale of 24, but I told him I'd KILL him if he let any of them slip to me. He was showing me some multi-track recording program he has on his computer. We were fiddling around with it and made some trippy club sounding song. (It reminded me of my ecstasy days with Liu). Then I got a text from Hammer. She and the Wizard were planning to go for burgers at the Corner Bistro. She asked if we wanted to come. I never expected in a million years for Narc to agree. It was beyond my wildest dreams, but when I asked him, he said that he'd go for it! My heart was flying off the handle. We had to hurry out of the house, because the Wizard was in a bit of a rush. We threw our clothes on again and were off.
If I weren't surprised enough about the events of the weekend already, I was even more surprised to see that Narc really hit it off with my friends. He and the Wizard especially had a lot to talk about. It turns out that the Wizard used to be a filmmaker himself, so he and Narc spent some time on that. The Wizard ate more than I could imagine! Three hamburgers, and then ice cream and cheesecake! We ended up hanging out with Hammer and the Wizard for quite a few hours. In the end, I had to take off to go administer a makeup final for a student, but I desperately didn't want to go. I had the feeling that if I didn't have to go anywhere, the Narc would have spent the entire day with me.
As we were saying goodbye to Hammer and the Wizard, they invited us to a dinner party on Tuesday. Again, much to my surprise, Narc accepted the invitation! What?!?!??! He was sweet. He waited for me as I hailed a cab, and when it arrived gave me a real kiss goodbye.
"Okay, honey," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
(Honey?!?!? What the fuck was going on???)
As I headed up towards school, my mind was racing. The only other time that Narc and I had planned anything in advance was La Boheme, and we all know how that turned out. I can't fucking believe what had just happened!
After giving the exam, I headed to Long Island. Navigating Penn Station in rush hour was NOT fun. I got here (to my parents' house) at around 7:00 and had dinner with my mom, my grandpa, LilSis and JBC. My stepfather was visiting my brother. Later mom and I watched the season finale of 24. It was fucking awesome! How am I EVER going to wait until January 2006 for more Jack Bauer? How? Can anybody tell me that?
I'm still at my parents' house now. Everyone is asleep and I'm in the dark in the living room on my laptop. I'm going to see my stepbrother in the hospital in the morning before heading back to the city. God, I can't stop thinking about Narc. I just know that something's going to go wrong. I can't let myself trust this, you know? I'll definitely let you all know how the dinner party goes. I'm so nervous that he's going to cancel on me at the last minute. I really don't know what to believe or how to feel right now. I am so fucking confused. Confused, but happy.
Very confused and very happy. But that's not so bad, right?
Lol,
Hyde
What started out as a rather normal week took a sudden twist this weekend that I never would have seen coming. Up until Saturday night, the week was rather slow. Maybe it's because of all of the school work that I've had to do, or maybe it's because I've been run down with a bacterial infection, but in any case, I just haven't been much in the mood for partying or adventure. I went out drinking on Tuesday night, but after that had a dry stretch all the way through Saturday--one that took no effort at all. I really feel like I'm starting to come out of my insane partying mode, which is a good thing. My life could use just a tad more moderation.
Anyway, on Friday night I was completely wiped out after teaching. My department hosted its end of the semester party, but I was much too tired to attend. After the party, a bunch of friends headed out for Mexican and a game of pool, calling me to come join, but again--I was too tired. Instead, I stayed at home for a cozy night of television. (I watched another "Dr. Phil Primetime" Special, the Daytime Emmy's and the cast of 24 on Charlie Rose.) On Saturday I wasted the morning fiddling with my blog and spent the afternoon at the public library grading papers. I bumped into Hammer and the Wizard at the library, and when they were ready to leave at around 5:00, I got up to leave with them. Hammer and I chatted for a while, before I headed towards home. As I passed Cheers, I couldn't help but drop in to say hello to BarMan.
Like I've said before, I love Cheers on Saturday afternoons because it's always completely empty. In fact, for much of the afternoon/early evening, I was the only one there. BarMan and I talked about anything and everything. He's just a really cool guy. I drank diet cokes and continued to grade papers. By 8:00 IrishBird and the rest of the evening staff started to show up. She asked me what my plans were for the rest of the night.
"I don't know," I told her. "I'm still trying to figure that out. What I do know is that I'm having really strong Narc feelings today. I guess I'm going to try not to call him."
"Oh, please don't call him, Hyde! Why don't you come hang out here with us tonight? And you don't even have to drink," she said. "Just make it a night with friends--no self-destruction and no going to see Narc. That man is bad for you."
"He's not that bad," I said.
I thought about trying to explain it all once again, but decided that it wasn't worth the effort.
All I could muster was a weak "Hmm... I don't know."
In my head, I knew that it didn't make a difference whether he's "good" or "bad." I wouldn't get to see him either way. I never get to see Narc on my terms, and I had no reason to believe that he would respond to my texts or calls if I bothered to initiate.
I left Cheers at around 9:00 and told them that I'd probably see them all later. I was feeling a little blue. It was a Saturday night and I had no plans. Not only that, but I hadn't gone out at all on Friday either. Hammer was busy in "paper-mode," VJ had her new boyfriend in town and B was out with his girlfriend. I picked up a few slices of pizza and made my way home in the rain. I couldn't help but think about Narc. Maybe he was on my mind because we've been in touch so much more this month. (Brief rundown: He was at my place April 22nd-23rd, I was at his on May 5th, then we exchanged emails on his birthday (the 10th), then I was back at his place on the 14th and the 15th and then we exchanged text messages this week, all week long.) I impulsively picked up the phone and decided to call him. I wasn't expecting him to answer. I figured I'd just get his voice mail and would then hang up. I called him from my landline (which comes up as a blocked number) and on the very last ring, he answered the phone. I was startled and caught off guard.
"Narc?"
"Yeah?"
"Um, hey" It's Hyde," I began awkwardly.
I felt so stupid--like a little kid. I didn't really know what to say. My mind was scrambled and my stomach was suddenly tied into knots, yet somehow I went on--while my mind froze, my mouth continued to converse. I asked him what he had been up to lately.
"The usual... Work," was his reply.
"Working all day today, then?" I asked.
"Well, no. Actually, I'm just getting back from brunch with a friend. We got rained out on the terrace."
"Brunch? Um, Narc--it's almost 10:00 at night!"
"Well, maybe not brunch then, but some meal... we were there for a few hours."
"Oh."
I rambled on a bit about how busy I had been, myself, and that after a day in the library I was trying to decide what to do with myself for the evening.
"Well, I'm just hanging out here at home," he said.
(Was that an invitation?)
"Oh, well, I don't know... Do you want to meet up tonight or something? Or are you working?"
(Damn! why was I so nervous?)
"Yeah, sure. You can pop by if you like," he said. "And we can figure something out."
"Great! I guess I can be there in an hour or so."
(Was this really happening?)
After we hung up, I ran to fix my makeup and then quickly went about throwing some things into an overnight bag. In the middle of all of that, Sunshine called. I talked to her on my cell for a while as I finished packing, crossed the street to the deli for a bottle of wine, and hopped into a cab down to Tribeca. As I pulled up to Narc's corner, I said goodbye to Sunshine and tried to ground myself. I really don't know why I was so nervous. On my way into his building, Hammer called.
"Hammer, I don't know why I feel like so awkward-- Like I'm a 4th-grader!"
"Just be yourself Hyde!" she advised.
I headed in.
Narc answered the door as usual--naked and erect. I didn't want to jump right into sex though. I wanted to see if there would be anything else for us without that. After all, it was only 11:00 and both of us were sober. I gave him a quick kiss hello and moved past him to drop my things in his entry hall. Then I made my way over to the couch. Narc followed, and we hung out watching TV for a while. He had TiVo'd some "American Idol" bloopers show that aired on Thursday night. We watched it and laughed together. We downed the bottle of wine, smoked some cigarettes and talked about a lot of things--mostly about his friends, and he told me stories about when he lived in New Orleans. At least two hours passed before we had sex. I was happy with that. Afterwards, Narc asked if I wanted to go out for a drink.
"Sure, why not?"
We threw on some clothes and were off.
I don't remember the name of the bar we went to, as I kind of just followed his lead through the streets of Tribeca. When we got there, we parked ourselves at the bar and I ordered a Jack on the rocks. He got a double-Jack and Coke. We were there for quite a few hours (and quite a few whiskeys!), and I don't remember every last detail of our conversations, but there were some remarkable moments. It was the most incredible and intense evening and I really feel like it changed things between the two of us. I only wish I had a more crystal clear memory of it so that I could tell it all here and now.
At one point we were talking about people who cheat on their mates. Narc said something about how monogamy is just a social construct.
"That may be so,"I said, "But even if it is, we still live within that framework, and have internalized those values. At least I have. I mean, I think I would have a hard time cheating, not necessarily from a moral point of view, but just in terms of comfort level."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, in the past, if I'm dating two people, but start to have real feelings for one of them, it feels dishonest and uncomfortable to me to date the other."
"Yeah, I know that about you," he said, pointedly.
(Basically, he was referring to our situation in November. I was dating SeattleGuy but started to recognize more and more my strong feeling for Narc. I told Narc about my emotional dilemma and asked if he wanted to step up and have any kind of real relationship with me; he told me that I could "do what I wanted to do," but that I shouldn't "break up with anyone else" for him.)
"So you remember that then? Back in the fall? Do you know that it's six months this week?" I asked.
"Six months since what?"
"Six months since that day we met up at KGB and then went back to your roof. Six months since I told you how I felt about you and decided not to be with anyone else. You do know how I feel about you, right?"
"Of course I know," he said.
"You say that, but do you really know?"
(Where was I going with this? All at once, I felt stupid.)
"I don't even know how to say what I--" I was becoming tongue-tied.
"What?"
"I don't know. This is foolish," I said. "I don't even know what I'm saying, and I can't--"
"Just spit it out, Hyde. Just say what you have to say. Put it on the table, you know?"
"Well..."
I took a deep breath.
"I love you."
Suddenly I felt like I was going into panic mode. I had made myself too vulnerable-- had somehow said too much. Why was I telling this guy that I love him? What the fuck is wrong with me?
"Um, I shouldn't have... Um, I--"
"Hyde, I know that," he said, squeezing my hand. "And you know how I feel about you too, right? He looked at me a little nervously.
"Sometimes... Well, no." I looked away. "I don't know, Narc. Maybe I should just go. Maybe I should go now."
I was still panicking. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to get away. I got up and raced down the stairs into the ladies room. I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to catch my breath. It seemed like an eternity passed. I counted to ten. Slowly, I started to feel more grounded. I decided to venture back up to the bar.
When I got back upstairs we got onto a much more neutral topic of conversation--blogging. Narc wanted to know the site of my blog.
"Um, I don't think so!" I told him.
"Well, why not?" he demanded. "You know my blog!"
"Yeah, but yours isn't like mine. Yours isn't as personal. Mine is more like a diary, and I can't trust you!"
(You guys, I would fucking die if he ever found this blog. I can't imagine what he'd think!)
He seemed offended.
"What do you mean, you can't trust me? I've never betrayed your trust. I've never told any of your secrets."
"I"m not talking about secrets, Narc. I'm talking about a different kind of trust. You know--when you share yourself with someone, and make yourself vulnerable to someone. I just don't trust that you're going to be there for me. I mean, you always fucking disappear."
A cloud passed over his face.
"Well, I told you that's how I am," he said.
Now I had him on the defensive. That's not what I wanted.
"I know that," I said. "And I'm not asking you to change," I said. "I fully accept you for who you are--I already told you that I love you the way you are. It's just that I just can't trust you that way. I can't lean on you. That's been your choice, and that's a fact."
Even later in the night, he mentioned to me that he's leaving town on Wednesday for some sort of spiritual retreat.
"It's not going to work though," he said. "They never do. I mean, I've been six months with my guru now and I'm still exactly the same as when we started."
"Then why bother?" I asked.
"Because I have to," he said. "Because I can't feel, and I have to figure out how to get past that."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like there's a steel plate here," he said, indicating his chest. "And I'm not living. I see other people all the time, feeling and living and having richness in their lives and I can't. It's like I'm a spectator. I go through life, but it doesn't touch me. I'm not living. And it's not fair... this is not what I want-- to feel so shut down, I mean. How could I not keep looking for a way out?"
"I don't think you're looking in the right places," I said. "Do you remember all those months ago when you told me you were looking for your 'muse'?"
"Well, I didn't mean another person," he interrupted. "I meant for something to inspire from within."
He seemed embarrassed.
"That's not true," I said. "You did mean another person. We had a whole conversation about it. You told me that you needed to find a woman to be your muse--someone healthy and grounded who would get you up to go jogging at 6:00 am. You told me that you needed a healer. Do you remember what I said?"
"No."
"Well, you were giving me reasons why you thought that I was 'bad for you,' or why we were 'bad for each other.' I told you that I may be the most unhealthy person that I know in a lot of ways, but that I think that I am a 'healer' in a lot of other ways--ways that you might appreciate, only, you don't want to look there."
"Yeah, I remember...we did that personality test."
"Right. But I think you're scared of what you need," I said.
"What do you think I need?"
"Love. And to learn to trust people-- to be able to make yourself vulnerable, exposed. You can't ever have intimacy or any kind of emotional connection to anyone if keep yourself so intensely protected. That's your steel plate for you. And I'm not saying it's simple. Love is the shittiest most painful thing when the other person disappoints you--it's almost unimaginable. But still, it's worth it."
"You sound like my guru now," he said. "The problem is that I don't know how to do that."
"It's a leap of faith. And it doesn't matter if it hurts. I love you, but it hurts. I still love love though."
"Don't say that though, about me hurting you. I never promised you anything."
"I'm not indicting you, Narc. But it still hurts. You'll never know how badly my heart was broken the day you stood me up for La Boheme."
"What? That was just some dumb oversleeping thing..."
"I don't think so," I turned back towards my drink.
"You think I did that on purpose?"
"Yes, I think you did that on purpose! I thought it then and I still think it now!"
"I swear to you that I didn't."
"Whatever... There's no use in arguing about it now."
"Why do you think that though?"
"Because, Narc! If you really felt badly about it, you would have offered to pay me for the tickets, or take me to a show to make up for it, or at least take me to lunch or SOMETHING. Instead, I came back to your place, and you laid around naked all day demanding sex and acting like it was no big deal."
"I didn't know you felt like that," he said. "I can still make it up to you. There's a dance show I wanted to go to. I can take you to that. Or maybe to an opera next season."
"That would be nice," I said. I didn't believe him about any of it though.
The rest of the time at the bar, we just talked a lot and had fun. A couple sat down next to us. One of them was a very masculine looking drag queen. They kept looking over at us as I was ordering drinks and he/she kept saying "I absolutely LOVE a girl who can handle her whiskey!" Then he/she kept telling Narc that he had a "dark-haired Italian beauty," which I thought was funny because I don't think I look at all Italian and for once, Narc didn't know what to say. We started talking to them about Hemingway and Narc said that Hemingway sucks, whereas I said he was sexy. (Narc said he prefers Fitzgerald.) We stayed past last call. At around 4:15 or so, the bartender let us light up, so we stayed and smoked and talked for a while more. Finally at about 4:45, we set off for his place.
Once in the street, Narc kissed me, and I started to feel nervous about things again. What was I getting myself into? I didn't want to start feeling things too intensely only to have the rug pulled out from under me. And let's not be stupid here--that's what's happened every single time I've let myself feel close to him in the past. I started thinking that maybe I should go home.
"Maybe I should go, Narc. I just don't know about this..."
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Of course you're coming home with me. Don't be silly!"
"No, Narc... I just feel exposed. You know? Maybe I should go."
"Listen. I promise I'll take care of you tonight," he said. "I want to take care of you."
He took my hand and held it so tightly and started to lead me back to his place. I didn't have the will to resist that. I just let myself fall into it.
Back at his place, we started kissing.
"I love you. I love you, Hyde," he said. He said it over and over.
I pulled back.
"Do you really Narc? Because don't say it if it's not true."
"It is true. It has been true, and you know it's true. It's just that I can't. I can't do it, and I just don't know..."
"It's okay," I said. "It doesn't matter."
I kissed him again to make the moment pass, but my heart was already full. We had sex for a few hours and he must have told me he loves me a hundred times. The night was absolutely perfect.
The next morning I woke up in his arms. I had set my alarm for 10:00 because I had plans to meet B at my apartment and I didn't want to be late again this week. When I went to get out of bed, Narc pulled me back in.
"No! Where are you going?"
"I'm coming back," I told him.
After brushing my teeth, I climbed back into bed and we spent an hour or so fucking. Then I really had to go. Narc had fallen back asleep.
"I had fun," I said, gently waking him. "I'll see you soon."
It was so strange. As soon as I was clothed, and we both knew I was leaving, it was like he completely pulled away. There was a coldness radiating from him, even in his half-asleep state. I felt his steel plate going back up.
"Sure," he said. "Soon."
I kissed him on the cheek and left.
When I got home, I tried to freshen myself up and get the whiskey off my breath before B arrived. B left for the Philippines on Monday, so Sunday was our last time seeing each other for three weeks. When he arrived we headed to the diner for brunch. I had absolutely delicious banana pancakes. (Yum!) Then we came back to my apartment to spend time together. We had such an awesome and cozy afternoon. We watched "Fiddler on the Roof" on channel 13 while he occasionally flipped to the baseball game. We sang songs, and listened to beautiful choral music. I was wiped out from the night before, and I fell asleep on his lap. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew the hour was approaching. It made me so sad. I'm going to miss him so much, even though it's just a short time. Sadness!
At 4:15 or so, I got a text. It was from Narc!!! He wrote:
How was church?
I don't know if you guys can imagine how that one little text made me feel. I had just left him that morning, but there he was, missing me already and initiating contact! I think that our raw and open discussion changed something for both of us. I think he really does believe that I love him. In the past, I think he's always been able to protect himself by writing me off as hyper-emotional. When we broke up in February he told me I would "get over him faster than I thought." But I'm still here, and maybe he's starting to trust that. In any case, I was elated. B wasn't set to leave until 6:00 though, and I didn't want to disrespect him by getting into a thing with Narc, so I decided to wait before responding. Once B was gone, I wrote back:
Didn't go to church. Met him after 4 lunch. Then did some work. Home now. What are you up to?
I collapsed onto the couch to watch some TV. It wasn't long before I heard back from Narc.
Just watching "Metallica" etc. Going to shower in a bit, can come join if you like... (wink)
Oh my god! I called Hammer in my excitement. I didn't want to see him in my current grimy state though. I wanted to shower myself and look pretty before making a return appearance. Plus, I had to work on writing a final exam and Hammer wanted to go for sushi. I needed to buy myself a few hours.
Hyde: Would love to, but have to write a final to give tomorrow & test software is on my computer here. In a few hours?
Narc: May be out with Dan later, but give a call.
Hyde: Ok. Expect to be done with work by 8:30. I'll call u then.
I showered, schminkened and finished my work much sooner than anticipated and raced downtown for sushi in the village. In the middle of my dinner with Hammer, I texted Narc again:
Hyde: Finishing up. See you soon??? (8:42 pm)
His answer?
Narc: Sure thing. Bring chocolate Ben & Jerry's! Need sugar.
Yay!!!
After dinner, Hammer walked me to the deli, and I found his very favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor--Brownie Batter. With that in hand, I hailed a cab back to Tribeca.
Narc answered the door naked again. He kissed me hello and I delivered his ice cream. He took it over to the couch where he was watching the tail end of Star Wars Episode 2. I told him I had never seen it.
"Did you catch the new one yet?" he asked.
"No."
"Wanna go?"
"Sure."
We ended up screwing around at his place for a while, but got interrupted by the clock, reminding us we had to be at the theater in 15 minutes if we were going to catch the 10:15 show. We threw our clothes on and were off.
I'm not a huge Star Wars person, but apparently Narc is (this was his second time seeing it already). I thought it was entertaining, but very clumsy at points. Plus, I was insanely exhausted as I had only slept about 4 hours the night before, and I'm still on a course of antibiotics. During the movie, Narc held my hand, and when I got tired, I rested my head on his shoulder. Sweet.
By the time the movie ended, both of us were falling asleep--maybe because we had both been drinking pretty hard the night before. We went back to his place and didn't even have sex, but instead, just fell asleep together. He likes to sleep in a way in which he pulls me in so tight that he's almost crushing me and I can't breathe. I like it though.
The next morning we woke up and had a lot more sex. I felt so close to him. After a while he got up and went web surfing. He read some spoilers for the season finale of 24, but I told him I'd KILL him if he let any of them slip to me. He was showing me some multi-track recording program he has on his computer. We were fiddling around with it and made some trippy club sounding song. (It reminded me of my ecstasy days with Liu). Then I got a text from Hammer. She and the Wizard were planning to go for burgers at the Corner Bistro. She asked if we wanted to come. I never expected in a million years for Narc to agree. It was beyond my wildest dreams, but when I asked him, he said that he'd go for it! My heart was flying off the handle. We had to hurry out of the house, because the Wizard was in a bit of a rush. We threw our clothes on again and were off.
If I weren't surprised enough about the events of the weekend already, I was even more surprised to see that Narc really hit it off with my friends. He and the Wizard especially had a lot to talk about. It turns out that the Wizard used to be a filmmaker himself, so he and Narc spent some time on that. The Wizard ate more than I could imagine! Three hamburgers, and then ice cream and cheesecake! We ended up hanging out with Hammer and the Wizard for quite a few hours. In the end, I had to take off to go administer a makeup final for a student, but I desperately didn't want to go. I had the feeling that if I didn't have to go anywhere, the Narc would have spent the entire day with me.
As we were saying goodbye to Hammer and the Wizard, they invited us to a dinner party on Tuesday. Again, much to my surprise, Narc accepted the invitation! What?!?!??! He was sweet. He waited for me as I hailed a cab, and when it arrived gave me a real kiss goodbye.
"Okay, honey," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
(Honey?!?!? What the fuck was going on???)
As I headed up towards school, my mind was racing. The only other time that Narc and I had planned anything in advance was La Boheme, and we all know how that turned out. I can't fucking believe what had just happened!
After giving the exam, I headed to Long Island. Navigating Penn Station in rush hour was NOT fun. I got here (to my parents' house) at around 7:00 and had dinner with my mom, my grandpa, LilSis and JBC. My stepfather was visiting my brother. Later mom and I watched the season finale of 24. It was fucking awesome! How am I EVER going to wait until January 2006 for more Jack Bauer? How? Can anybody tell me that?
I'm still at my parents' house now. Everyone is asleep and I'm in the dark in the living room on my laptop. I'm going to see my stepbrother in the hospital in the morning before heading back to the city. God, I can't stop thinking about Narc. I just know that something's going to go wrong. I can't let myself trust this, you know? I'll definitely let you all know how the dinner party goes. I'm so nervous that he's going to cancel on me at the last minute. I really don't know what to believe or how to feel right now. I am so fucking confused. Confused, but happy.
Very confused and very happy. But that's not so bad, right?
Lol,
Hyde
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Procrastination
Nothing like procrastination to keep a girl busy! I had a fabulous night in last night watching the Daytime Emmys and then I spent half the morning re-doing my blog template. I have to get to the library now. If I don't get to work soon I'm going to majorly screw myself over.
Anyway, my friend forwarded this to me and I thought it was funny...
A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted into Harvard some other way.
Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?
LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.
RAFF EFFECT: Child becomes a bore.
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume that he's dying.
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool.
Okay, off to work now! :)
Anyway, my friend forwarded this to me and I thought it was funny...
A new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted into Harvard some other way.
Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?
LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.
RAFF EFFECT: Child becomes a bore.
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume that he's dying.
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool.
Okay, off to work now! :)
Friday, May 20, 2005
I'm Free!
Hooray!
I've officially completed my last Friday of 6-hour lecturing. My voice is wiped out and aching right now, but who cares? It'll get better with rest and I never have to do it again! I still have to administer final exams next week, but that should be a breeze. As for right now--
I'm Free!
I've officially completed my last Friday of 6-hour lecturing. My voice is wiped out and aching right now, but who cares? It'll get better with rest and I never have to do it again! I still have to administer final exams next week, but that should be a breeze. As for right now--
I'm Free!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Strange Calls
I've gotten a few strange calls tonight.
First of all, I got a message from the Texan. (And do your best to read this in a Southern drawl):
Hi Hyde,
This is the Bicycle "Texan" from Dallas. We met last night. I was going to invite you to have a cocktail with me at my hotel, if you like. But if not, I found some places in Central Park for next week. Give me a call if you get this message in time. I'd like to by you a drink. Otherwise, I'll see you for biking next week. All right? Bye, now!
I'm still not sure what I want to do about that one.
Then, in the middle of American Idol, NextDoorNeighbor called me from a pay-phone in Mexico City. He just had to tell me that he was honoring the spirit of the 20th floor (our floor) and that he had found his very own Mexican "Cheers." We only spoke for a few minutes, but I thought it was cute that he called.
Last but not least-- Even though I had just received that email from Narc this morning, I saw that his uncle was going to be on a talk show, and I wanted to tell him. (Yes, he has a famous uncle). So at around 7:30 I wrote: FYI--your uncle's on ---- show tonight. :)
Surprise, surprise! Again, he wrote back! He said:
Saw him on it last week. He was actually strangely quiet...
Yay! I wrote back:
Hmm... Well, I'll have to check it out tonight. Wasting time now playing piano and singing 'til Idol (despite having to grade!). Have fun at Star Wars!
Strange...
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm so fucking tired even though it's only 10:00. I think I'm going to go to bed now. My immune system is shot to hell.
So good night!
First of all, I got a message from the Texan. (And do your best to read this in a Southern drawl):
Hi Hyde,
This is the Bicycle "Texan" from Dallas. We met last night. I was going to invite you to have a cocktail with me at my hotel, if you like. But if not, I found some places in Central Park for next week. Give me a call if you get this message in time. I'd like to by you a drink. Otherwise, I'll see you for biking next week. All right? Bye, now!
I'm still not sure what I want to do about that one.
Then, in the middle of American Idol, NextDoorNeighbor called me from a pay-phone in Mexico City. He just had to tell me that he was honoring the spirit of the 20th floor (our floor) and that he had found his very own Mexican "Cheers." We only spoke for a few minutes, but I thought it was cute that he called.
Last but not least-- Even though I had just received that email from Narc this morning, I saw that his uncle was going to be on a talk show, and I wanted to tell him. (Yes, he has a famous uncle). So at around 7:30 I wrote: FYI--your uncle's on ---- show tonight. :)
Surprise, surprise! Again, he wrote back! He said:
Saw him on it last week. He was actually strangely quiet...
Yay! I wrote back:
Hmm... Well, I'll have to check it out tonight. Wasting time now playing piano and singing 'til Idol (despite having to grade!). Have fun at Star Wars!
Strange...
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm so fucking tired even though it's only 10:00. I think I'm going to go to bed now. My immune system is shot to hell.
So good night!
All Work and Some Play
For some strange reason I'm in a remarkably good mood today! There's no reason that I should be. I had to wake up really early; I was out late drinking last night (but not too much); I have a shitload of work piling up in front of me; and there's nothing special going on. Maybe it's still the residual effects of the newness of my hair. In any case, for some reason I feel good. When I got to work today I found myself nearly skipping back to my office from the photocopier!
Seriously, though--I need to get myself in better shape in terms of my school work. I'm in the final stretch and didn't get nearly enough done over the past few days. I wanted to finish my World War I paper by yesterday, and yet I still have half of it to write. Ughhh.... I got nothing done on Sunday after that super-late Saturday night out, and all of the Narc contact on Sunday.
Speaking of Narc (as you know I love to do), Hammer pointed something interesting out to me. She noticed that I always feel so much better after I've seen Narc. Thinking about it, she's right. And it's not even that I love seeing him all that much, it's just that when I don't, I feel so dreadfully out of control. He leaves me in unbearable silence--not answering my calls and not calling me. He completely disappears, tapping into all of my "abandonment" issues and leaving me with no recourse. I fucking hate it! I have no Narc-anxiety at the moment though. Right now, I'm still coasting on the recent visit. Plus, I'm almost positive that he's not seeing that other girl. Even better-- on Monday I sent him a text asking him about the NIN concert, and he actually answered! Wow!
Hyde: So? How was it? Did it blow your mind or have you lost your faith in all music?
Narc: It was very good, but not magical in the way that his old shows were. He turns 40 tomorrow, guess that may explain a bit of it...
Hyde: Does 40 really do that to a person? I expect by 40 to just be hitting my stride! (I hope!) Glad you had a good time though. Still stuck working on WWI...lol. :)
Narc: No Reply. But who cares? Not the new dark-haired me, that's for sure! (Hammer also pointed out to me that I tend to put him up on a pedestal when I don't see him. So I'm going to try not to do that anymore.)
Hmmm? What else happened on Monday?
I taught, had a voice lesson and sat in a cafe for four hours working on my paper. Then I headed home and cleaned my house for a while. NextDoorNeighbor was preparing to take off for Mexico (he left Tuesday morning), so we decided to go out for a "bon voyage" drink. I brought my attendance sheets with me, which BarMan thought was funny. He complained of being exhausted and hungover.
"Maybe you need a pick me up?" I suggested. (Honestly, I didn't mean anything devious by it!)
"Jesus, Hyde! I don't think so," he laughed.
"I meant coffee...or sugar," I told him.
He laughed again.
I told him that I would stay longer, but that I had to be back at my house by 9:00 to meet B for our 24 night.
"There's only two weeks of the show left, right?" BarMan asked.
"Yeah, but this is my last week watching with B because he's going to the Philippines next week. In other words, it's my last week of restraint."
BarMan started cracking up.
"So this has been restraint thus far? Hold up.... let me take a minute to process that." He was being dramatic--putting on quite a show of shock.
Then he and NextDoorNeighbor had some fun cracking jokes at my expense. I didn't mind though--they're both friends.
Back at home, I ordered some take-out but the food took forever to arrive. I was annoyed because in my building you have to go down to the lobby to pick up the food and I didn't want to miss any of 24. On top of that, the guy on the phone had told me that I would have it in 10-20 minutes but it never arrived. 40 minutes later, I called the restaurant to complain and to find out what had happened. The guy on the phone started giving me some bullshit story about how the food always takes at least half and hour to arrive and he had told me that. It was a lie. I've ordered from them a million times before, and I was sure they had told me 10-20 minutes. I was pissed off (which, by the way is an EXTREMELY rare occurrence!) .
"You said it would be up to 20 minutes max," I said. "I just want to know where my food is."
"I never said that... Just listen to me! Listen to me!" the guy kept insisting.
Finally, I exploded.
"I don't want to listen to you! I just want my FUCKING FOOD!"
I hung up the phone.
The only reason I'm bothering to recount this exchange here is because that kind of aggression is so completely unlike me. B was sitting there and heard it and was shocked. I'm never the type to confront or complain or even send back food in a restaurant. So what was up with me? Once again, I have to attribute it to the black hair. A girl could get used to this!
B and I had such a nice night together. I so enjoyed it. It was so cozy and comfortable and wonderful. I love Mondays and I was sad that it was the last of our 24 nights together.
On Tuesday I woke up really early. NextDoorNeighbor had to be up at 5:30 to catch his flight and he was worried that he might sleep through his alarm. I volunteered to get up at 5:30 also so that I could give him a wake up call. Now, there's no reason that I had to be up at that hour, but he's a friend, so I didn't mind doing him the favor. After the wakeup call, I fell back asleep, but only for another hour or so. Since I couldn't really get back to bed, I decided to get up to work on my paper.
I put in another few hours of work, but it was clear that I wasn't going to make the 2:00 pm deadline (of course, in grad school, a deadline is a relative thing!). Instead of killing myself, I decided to go to my cousin's graduation. My cousin just finished at Columbia Tuesday was the "class day" ceremony. I got there at around 11:30.
It was surreal to be there. I graduated from Columbia five years ago and had been to four graduations prior to my own. My choir always performed the Alma Mater and the Fight Song. (This year they had an a capella group do it). I'd seen Anxious graduate in '97, a few friends in '98 (they don't all have code names here, so I'll leave it at that), a whole slew of friends in '99 (including B!). My cousin had come to visit me at school when she was just a prospective student (my junior year). She was such a baby then. I can't believe how fast time moves. I felt old. It's strange--it's like time just goes on repeating itself there. It was like walking into a memory.
After the ceremony, we all went for lunch (my aunt, uncle, two cousins, my mom, grandpa and my cousin's boyfriend). I couldn't stay for the whole meal because I had to get to class, so I took off after the salad course.
Class wasn't a "real" class. It was the last day, so we met at a local bar/restaurant and just talked a little to wrap the semester up. Then I headed back to my place to "work." My noble aims of working turned into watching Dr. Phil before I could get myself to park my ass in front of the computer. I managed to do a little work, watched some TV and ate dinner. Then, of course, came American Idol. It was a good show. I was impressed with Bo Bice's second song. I have to say--he completely won me over with that one. I no longer mourn Constantine. (Well, maybe just a little...)
After the show, I talked to my mom on the phone for a while. She was telling me some funny stories about my dad. Ever since we had that dinner together on the anniversary of his death, it has been a little easier to talk about him. It's almost as if before that, all we could talk about was his illness, and now the real person that he was is allowed to come back. I think my mom is enjoying letting herself remember the good times. I wish I could have known him better. It breaks my heart that I can't do anything about that. (Talk about having no control...) :-(
Anyway, I hadn't seen IrishBird in over a week because she'd been vacationing in South Beach. I decided to stop by Cheers for a drink or two. She was shocked when I walked in with my black hair. I loved it! She said she really liked it and that it was "very dramatic." BarMan popped by, even though it was his night off. He had some time to kill in the neighborhood before meeting up with his roommate. In the meanwhile, I was softly singing along to one of the cheesy '80s tunes over the radio. The guy sitting next to me told me that I had a really pretty voice. I thanked him and that sparked an entire conversation.
It turns out that the guy is from Dallas (uh oh... I love those southern accents!). But he's definitely not a prospective match. First of all, he's not really my type, and second of all, he's married. So what's he doing in NY? He lives here (in a hotel, mind you) for five days a week and then flies back to Texas every weekend. As such, he doesn't have any kind of social life in NY and he hardly knows anyone here. He told me that it was really hard not to have anyone to talk to.
We got into a whole discussion about the differences between Texas and New York. According to him, they're complete opposites. (Liu--would you agree?) For example, the Texan said that the other day, he saw some homeless guy jump in front of a woman, shouting at her just to scare her. Then the homeless man started laughing when he got a frightened reaction from the woman. He was shocked that nobody on the street did anything about it. I thought that was completely normal. I told him that it's just like that in NY--that for the most part, everyone minds they're own business. It's for self protection--nobody sees anything.
Well, the Texan said that in Texas it would never have gone down like that. He said that in Texas they "know how to treat a lady" and how to "protect a woman." He told me that there, at least five guys would have jumped that homeless man coming to the lady's defense.
"That's the attack that 'no one would have seen' when the cops came around!" he laughed.
I asked if he'd gotten involved in fights like that before. He assured me that he has many times.
"The only time I won't get involved is a 'lover's quarrel,'" he said. "What's between a man and a wife is none of my business."
(That kind of made me think that spousal abuse is not as abhorrent to him as it should be.)
In any case, told me that he loves to ride bikes and that just this week he rode all the way down the East Side and around to Battery Park. He asked if I wanted to go bike-riding with him.
"I don't really know how to ride," I said. "I haven't been on a bike since the fourth grade!"
He promised that it's easy and I agreed to give it a try. On his way out, he told me that he'd call me early next week. He seems like a nice enough guy and wasn't being at all sleazy to me. He was totally upfront about being married and didn't try to touch me, so maybe he really is just looking for a friend. I don't know... I really don't think I'm going to be able to ride a bike, but we'll see... I'm not even sure if he'll call or if he does if I'll want to go.
After the Texan left, there was really no one there except me, FightingMensch, PumpedUp, IrishBird and two old drunk Irish guys. They started telling jokes to me and IrishBird. Their jokes were really lame. One included an awful John Wayne impression.
At about midnight, B called. He was feeling really depressed. I told him how much I love him and asked if there was anything I could do for him. He could tell that I had had a few drinks though, and I think it upset him even more. I kicked myself for not being there for him in the way that he needed me. I don't know if that's stupid, but I still felt really bad about it. We hung up after just a few minutes but I texted him later to see if he was okay. Then I called him again this morning. I finally just heard back from him and we're going to get lunch.
When I got home last night, I couldn't sleep. I really needed the sleep, but my mind was restless. I sat down in front of the computer and pulled up my paper. No. Wasn't going to happen. I had already had about 5 glasses of wine and 2 whiskeys. I was in no shape to write. Then I opened my blog. I kept staring at it, exhaustedly, trying to think of something to post. I just wasn't in the mood to write. I just kept reading that last post that I put up about the "Angel of History." For some strange reason, I decided to send an email to Narc.
I wrote:
Can't sleep tonight, but don't want to bother you by calling to see if you're up. On another note-- have you ever come across this? (It's semi oft-quoted. I just encountered it again in one of my WWI books). I think it's beautiful, but then again, I'm backwards looking too. Wondering what you think of this view of history/progress/time...
-D
(Then I copied that quote).
I don't know why I sent it. I just did. After I hit "send," I felt really anxious, so I decided to "scrap it" and go to bed.
This morning I was expecting to wake up a bit of a wreck from the drinking and lack of sleep, but instead I woke up refreshed and in a good mood! Today I taught the last of my Monday/Wednesday classes. I just got back to my office and sat down to check my email, and guess what? NARC WROTE BACK!!! Interesting, n'est pas?
He said:
Pretty dark, that one...
I always liked the Socratic/Greek view: we aren't walking forward, one front in front of the other, down the road of time/progress/etc, but rather, walking backward, one foot behind the other, facing only that direction in which we came, fixated on what was before, watching the scenery on either side ebb by, and assuming that, because we can see where we've been, we know where the road is going.
N
I thought it was a weird message. First of all, what he wrote isn't all that different from what I wrote to him. Second of all, he didn't include any kind of salutation or closing. There were no niceties. It was just strangely to the point. But, whatever... I'm tired of trying to figure him out.
I also got an email from Anxious, all about how BulgarianGuy is madly in love with her. Apparently she's become the "sole purpose" for his even being in this country. Later on in the email she writes:
Speaking of declarations of love, have you heard any more out of the Stallion lately? That whole situation really intrigues me. As does a person who is not bright enough to realize that if you're in love with someone you have never spent time with sober, what kind of love is that? (The fact that he has a girlfriend in CA reminds me of that old song, "When I'm Not Near the Girl I Love, I Love the Girl I'm Near"!)
Am I crazy, or is she passive aggressive?
Anyway, B just called again and I'm late to meet him. More musings later...
-hyde-
Seriously, though--I need to get myself in better shape in terms of my school work. I'm in the final stretch and didn't get nearly enough done over the past few days. I wanted to finish my World War I paper by yesterday, and yet I still have half of it to write. Ughhh.... I got nothing done on Sunday after that super-late Saturday night out, and all of the Narc contact on Sunday.
Speaking of Narc (as you know I love to do), Hammer pointed something interesting out to me. She noticed that I always feel so much better after I've seen Narc. Thinking about it, she's right. And it's not even that I love seeing him all that much, it's just that when I don't, I feel so dreadfully out of control. He leaves me in unbearable silence--not answering my calls and not calling me. He completely disappears, tapping into all of my "abandonment" issues and leaving me with no recourse. I fucking hate it! I have no Narc-anxiety at the moment though. Right now, I'm still coasting on the recent visit. Plus, I'm almost positive that he's not seeing that other girl. Even better-- on Monday I sent him a text asking him about the NIN concert, and he actually answered! Wow!
Hyde: So? How was it? Did it blow your mind or have you lost your faith in all music?
Narc: It was very good, but not magical in the way that his old shows were. He turns 40 tomorrow, guess that may explain a bit of it...
Hyde: Does 40 really do that to a person? I expect by 40 to just be hitting my stride! (I hope!) Glad you had a good time though. Still stuck working on WWI...lol. :)
Narc: No Reply. But who cares? Not the new dark-haired me, that's for sure! (Hammer also pointed out to me that I tend to put him up on a pedestal when I don't see him. So I'm going to try not to do that anymore.)
Hmmm? What else happened on Monday?
I taught, had a voice lesson and sat in a cafe for four hours working on my paper. Then I headed home and cleaned my house for a while. NextDoorNeighbor was preparing to take off for Mexico (he left Tuesday morning), so we decided to go out for a "bon voyage" drink. I brought my attendance sheets with me, which BarMan thought was funny. He complained of being exhausted and hungover.
"Maybe you need a pick me up?" I suggested. (Honestly, I didn't mean anything devious by it!)
"Jesus, Hyde! I don't think so," he laughed.
"I meant coffee...or sugar," I told him.
He laughed again.
I told him that I would stay longer, but that I had to be back at my house by 9:00 to meet B for our 24 night.
"There's only two weeks of the show left, right?" BarMan asked.
"Yeah, but this is my last week watching with B because he's going to the Philippines next week. In other words, it's my last week of restraint."
BarMan started cracking up.
"So this has been restraint thus far? Hold up.... let me take a minute to process that." He was being dramatic--putting on quite a show of shock.
Then he and NextDoorNeighbor had some fun cracking jokes at my expense. I didn't mind though--they're both friends.
Back at home, I ordered some take-out but the food took forever to arrive. I was annoyed because in my building you have to go down to the lobby to pick up the food and I didn't want to miss any of 24. On top of that, the guy on the phone had told me that I would have it in 10-20 minutes but it never arrived. 40 minutes later, I called the restaurant to complain and to find out what had happened. The guy on the phone started giving me some bullshit story about how the food always takes at least half and hour to arrive and he had told me that. It was a lie. I've ordered from them a million times before, and I was sure they had told me 10-20 minutes. I was pissed off (which, by the way is an EXTREMELY rare occurrence!) .
"You said it would be up to 20 minutes max," I said. "I just want to know where my food is."
"I never said that... Just listen to me! Listen to me!" the guy kept insisting.
Finally, I exploded.
"I don't want to listen to you! I just want my FUCKING FOOD!"
I hung up the phone.
The only reason I'm bothering to recount this exchange here is because that kind of aggression is so completely unlike me. B was sitting there and heard it and was shocked. I'm never the type to confront or complain or even send back food in a restaurant. So what was up with me? Once again, I have to attribute it to the black hair. A girl could get used to this!
B and I had such a nice night together. I so enjoyed it. It was so cozy and comfortable and wonderful. I love Mondays and I was sad that it was the last of our 24 nights together.
On Tuesday I woke up really early. NextDoorNeighbor had to be up at 5:30 to catch his flight and he was worried that he might sleep through his alarm. I volunteered to get up at 5:30 also so that I could give him a wake up call. Now, there's no reason that I had to be up at that hour, but he's a friend, so I didn't mind doing him the favor. After the wakeup call, I fell back asleep, but only for another hour or so. Since I couldn't really get back to bed, I decided to get up to work on my paper.
I put in another few hours of work, but it was clear that I wasn't going to make the 2:00 pm deadline (of course, in grad school, a deadline is a relative thing!). Instead of killing myself, I decided to go to my cousin's graduation. My cousin just finished at Columbia Tuesday was the "class day" ceremony. I got there at around 11:30.
It was surreal to be there. I graduated from Columbia five years ago and had been to four graduations prior to my own. My choir always performed the Alma Mater and the Fight Song. (This year they had an a capella group do it). I'd seen Anxious graduate in '97, a few friends in '98 (they don't all have code names here, so I'll leave it at that), a whole slew of friends in '99 (including B!). My cousin had come to visit me at school when she was just a prospective student (my junior year). She was such a baby then. I can't believe how fast time moves. I felt old. It's strange--it's like time just goes on repeating itself there. It was like walking into a memory.
After the ceremony, we all went for lunch (my aunt, uncle, two cousins, my mom, grandpa and my cousin's boyfriend). I couldn't stay for the whole meal because I had to get to class, so I took off after the salad course.
Class wasn't a "real" class. It was the last day, so we met at a local bar/restaurant and just talked a little to wrap the semester up. Then I headed back to my place to "work." My noble aims of working turned into watching Dr. Phil before I could get myself to park my ass in front of the computer. I managed to do a little work, watched some TV and ate dinner. Then, of course, came American Idol. It was a good show. I was impressed with Bo Bice's second song. I have to say--he completely won me over with that one. I no longer mourn Constantine. (Well, maybe just a little...)
After the show, I talked to my mom on the phone for a while. She was telling me some funny stories about my dad. Ever since we had that dinner together on the anniversary of his death, it has been a little easier to talk about him. It's almost as if before that, all we could talk about was his illness, and now the real person that he was is allowed to come back. I think my mom is enjoying letting herself remember the good times. I wish I could have known him better. It breaks my heart that I can't do anything about that. (Talk about having no control...) :-(
Anyway, I hadn't seen IrishBird in over a week because she'd been vacationing in South Beach. I decided to stop by Cheers for a drink or two. She was shocked when I walked in with my black hair. I loved it! She said she really liked it and that it was "very dramatic." BarMan popped by, even though it was his night off. He had some time to kill in the neighborhood before meeting up with his roommate. In the meanwhile, I was softly singing along to one of the cheesy '80s tunes over the radio. The guy sitting next to me told me that I had a really pretty voice. I thanked him and that sparked an entire conversation.
It turns out that the guy is from Dallas (uh oh... I love those southern accents!). But he's definitely not a prospective match. First of all, he's not really my type, and second of all, he's married. So what's he doing in NY? He lives here (in a hotel, mind you) for five days a week and then flies back to Texas every weekend. As such, he doesn't have any kind of social life in NY and he hardly knows anyone here. He told me that it was really hard not to have anyone to talk to.
We got into a whole discussion about the differences between Texas and New York. According to him, they're complete opposites. (Liu--would you agree?) For example, the Texan said that the other day, he saw some homeless guy jump in front of a woman, shouting at her just to scare her. Then the homeless man started laughing when he got a frightened reaction from the woman. He was shocked that nobody on the street did anything about it. I thought that was completely normal. I told him that it's just like that in NY--that for the most part, everyone minds they're own business. It's for self protection--nobody sees anything.
Well, the Texan said that in Texas it would never have gone down like that. He said that in Texas they "know how to treat a lady" and how to "protect a woman." He told me that there, at least five guys would have jumped that homeless man coming to the lady's defense.
"That's the attack that 'no one would have seen' when the cops came around!" he laughed.
I asked if he'd gotten involved in fights like that before. He assured me that he has many times.
"The only time I won't get involved is a 'lover's quarrel,'" he said. "What's between a man and a wife is none of my business."
(That kind of made me think that spousal abuse is not as abhorrent to him as it should be.)
In any case, told me that he loves to ride bikes and that just this week he rode all the way down the East Side and around to Battery Park. He asked if I wanted to go bike-riding with him.
"I don't really know how to ride," I said. "I haven't been on a bike since the fourth grade!"
He promised that it's easy and I agreed to give it a try. On his way out, he told me that he'd call me early next week. He seems like a nice enough guy and wasn't being at all sleazy to me. He was totally upfront about being married and didn't try to touch me, so maybe he really is just looking for a friend. I don't know... I really don't think I'm going to be able to ride a bike, but we'll see... I'm not even sure if he'll call or if he does if I'll want to go.
After the Texan left, there was really no one there except me, FightingMensch, PumpedUp, IrishBird and two old drunk Irish guys. They started telling jokes to me and IrishBird. Their jokes were really lame. One included an awful John Wayne impression.
At about midnight, B called. He was feeling really depressed. I told him how much I love him and asked if there was anything I could do for him. He could tell that I had had a few drinks though, and I think it upset him even more. I kicked myself for not being there for him in the way that he needed me. I don't know if that's stupid, but I still felt really bad about it. We hung up after just a few minutes but I texted him later to see if he was okay. Then I called him again this morning. I finally just heard back from him and we're going to get lunch.
When I got home last night, I couldn't sleep. I really needed the sleep, but my mind was restless. I sat down in front of the computer and pulled up my paper. No. Wasn't going to happen. I had already had about 5 glasses of wine and 2 whiskeys. I was in no shape to write. Then I opened my blog. I kept staring at it, exhaustedly, trying to think of something to post. I just wasn't in the mood to write. I just kept reading that last post that I put up about the "Angel of History." For some strange reason, I decided to send an email to Narc.
I wrote:
Can't sleep tonight, but don't want to bother you by calling to see if you're up. On another note-- have you ever come across this? (It's semi oft-quoted. I just encountered it again in one of my WWI books). I think it's beautiful, but then again, I'm backwards looking too. Wondering what you think of this view of history/progress/time...
-D
(Then I copied that quote).
I don't know why I sent it. I just did. After I hit "send," I felt really anxious, so I decided to "scrap it" and go to bed.
This morning I was expecting to wake up a bit of a wreck from the drinking and lack of sleep, but instead I woke up refreshed and in a good mood! Today I taught the last of my Monday/Wednesday classes. I just got back to my office and sat down to check my email, and guess what? NARC WROTE BACK!!! Interesting, n'est pas?
He said:
Pretty dark, that one...
I always liked the Socratic/Greek view: we aren't walking forward, one front in front of the other, down the road of time/progress/etc, but rather, walking backward, one foot behind the other, facing only that direction in which we came, fixated on what was before, watching the scenery on either side ebb by, and assuming that, because we can see where we've been, we know where the road is going.
N
I thought it was a weird message. First of all, what he wrote isn't all that different from what I wrote to him. Second of all, he didn't include any kind of salutation or closing. There were no niceties. It was just strangely to the point. But, whatever... I'm tired of trying to figure him out.
I also got an email from Anxious, all about how BulgarianGuy is madly in love with her. Apparently she's become the "sole purpose" for his even being in this country. Later on in the email she writes:
Speaking of declarations of love, have you heard any more out of the Stallion lately? That whole situation really intrigues me. As does a person who is not bright enough to realize that if you're in love with someone you have never spent time with sober, what kind of love is that? (The fact that he has a girlfriend in CA reminds me of that old song, "When I'm Not Near the Girl I Love, I Love the Girl I'm Near"!)
Am I crazy, or is she passive aggressive?
Anyway, B just called again and I'm late to meet him. More musings later...
-hyde-
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
The Angel of History
(Can you tell I've been sitting with my Jay Winter book for too long?)
"A Klee painting named 'Angelus Novus' shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth open, his wings are spread. This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned towards the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage upon wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But a storm is blowing from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such violence that the angel can no longer close them. This storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This storm is what we call progress."
-Walter Benjamin, Illuminations
The Angel of History
"A Klee painting named 'Angelus Novus' shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth open, his wings are spread. This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned towards the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage upon wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But a storm is blowing from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such violence that the angel can no longer close them. This storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This storm is what we call progress."
-Walter Benjamin, Illuminations
The Angel of History
Monday, May 16, 2005
Blast from the Past
I was just walking back to my office after class and I bumped into a former student. For the 2001-2002 school year, I taught high school at a small private school in Queens. I was only 22 when I started there, yet many of my students were as old as 17 and 18.
One boy, in particular, always had a crush on me and made it a point to stay in touch even though I left after only one year there. (I left to pursue my MA full time). He was a senior when I taught there, and really was a sweet kid. He used to dress all "ghetto" and always wanted to be called "MC Spyda" because he was really into Spider Man. He used to confide a lot in me, about his alcoholic household, his girlfriend's pregnancy scare, and their tearful breakup. Since then, I've seen him a handful of times. He happens to go to the college where I'm now teaching and I've passed him in the hall a few times last year and the year before. We've met up for lunch once or twice with another former student, but I haven't seen him in at least a year.
Anyway, when I passed him in the hall just now, we both gave each other a double-take. He has totally changed his style and appears to be going "goth." He's growing his hair long, has an eyebrow ring, and was wearing a black T-shirt with gothic-style white lettering. (I don't remember what it said.) He also had a new tattoo covering the entire back half of his calf. He was surprised to see my black hair. (Incidentally, he really liked it.) We stopped to talk, mostly about end of the semester stress, looking for a summer job, and all the rest. It was so cute though. I could tell that he's still crushing on me. Everything he said was so earnest, and he kept staring me in the eye.
I remember that when I was teaching at the high school, I always felt a little strange. I had to present myself as a responsible adult with good moral values who always walked the straight and narrow. A lot of times, my students would come to me and ask for advice about their love lives, etc. They always hassled me for more information about my personal life, and I always had to admonish them for asking. I felt a lot of the time, like I was a bit of a hypocrite because I had to encourage a certain set of behavioral standards in them, when I had hardly gotten my own life together. Seeing this former student is strange because now we are more like peers, whereas then, I was clearly the "adult" and he was the "child." I guess he's about 21 or so now.
Anyway, it was just a reminder of how things change, but at the same time--of how much they stay the same. It also caused me to reflect on the ways in which I've impacted other people's lives. It makes me want to be a better person more consistently.
I'm in kind of a pensive mood today for other reasons as well. Today marks the three year anniversary of when B and I broke up. (It's also the day my sister ordered her wedding dress. I was out on Long Island with my sister, my mom, and my grandmother (just before she died), watching my sister try dresses on. I felt so close to my family that day that it gave me the courage to end things with B.) The last year that B and I had together was that year that I taught high school. We broke up in May and I took off for London for the summer. It was a rough summer in a lot of ways. (By the way, Flash--I lived half the summer at that internet cafe on Tottenham Court Road. I smiled when I read your blog and you mentioned it!)
Well, that's it for now. I just blogged last night, so there's not much more to report. Besides, I have to run to the library and pick up a book for B before heading to my voice lesson.
lol,
hyde
One boy, in particular, always had a crush on me and made it a point to stay in touch even though I left after only one year there. (I left to pursue my MA full time). He was a senior when I taught there, and really was a sweet kid. He used to dress all "ghetto" and always wanted to be called "MC Spyda" because he was really into Spider Man. He used to confide a lot in me, about his alcoholic household, his girlfriend's pregnancy scare, and their tearful breakup. Since then, I've seen him a handful of times. He happens to go to the college where I'm now teaching and I've passed him in the hall a few times last year and the year before. We've met up for lunch once or twice with another former student, but I haven't seen him in at least a year.
Anyway, when I passed him in the hall just now, we both gave each other a double-take. He has totally changed his style and appears to be going "goth." He's growing his hair long, has an eyebrow ring, and was wearing a black T-shirt with gothic-style white lettering. (I don't remember what it said.) He also had a new tattoo covering the entire back half of his calf. He was surprised to see my black hair. (Incidentally, he really liked it.) We stopped to talk, mostly about end of the semester stress, looking for a summer job, and all the rest. It was so cute though. I could tell that he's still crushing on me. Everything he said was so earnest, and he kept staring me in the eye.
I remember that when I was teaching at the high school, I always felt a little strange. I had to present myself as a responsible adult with good moral values who always walked the straight and narrow. A lot of times, my students would come to me and ask for advice about their love lives, etc. They always hassled me for more information about my personal life, and I always had to admonish them for asking. I felt a lot of the time, like I was a bit of a hypocrite because I had to encourage a certain set of behavioral standards in them, when I had hardly gotten my own life together. Seeing this former student is strange because now we are more like peers, whereas then, I was clearly the "adult" and he was the "child." I guess he's about 21 or so now.
Anyway, it was just a reminder of how things change, but at the same time--of how much they stay the same. It also caused me to reflect on the ways in which I've impacted other people's lives. It makes me want to be a better person more consistently.
I'm in kind of a pensive mood today for other reasons as well. Today marks the three year anniversary of when B and I broke up. (It's also the day my sister ordered her wedding dress. I was out on Long Island with my sister, my mom, and my grandmother (just before she died), watching my sister try dresses on. I felt so close to my family that day that it gave me the courage to end things with B.) The last year that B and I had together was that year that I taught high school. We broke up in May and I took off for London for the summer. It was a rough summer in a lot of ways. (By the way, Flash--I lived half the summer at that internet cafe on Tottenham Court Road. I smiled when I read your blog and you mentioned it!)
Well, that's it for now. I just blogged last night, so there's not much more to report. Besides, I have to run to the library and pick up a book for B before heading to my voice lesson.
lol,
hyde
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Omens
Well, I spent my very first weekend with black hair, and it was chock full of strange events, all beginning on Thursday night, almost as soon as the dye was rinsed off of my head!
On Thursday afternoon I had lunch with Anxious. It was fairly unremarkable. Then I headed to German after which Hammer and I got some burgers at Johnny Rockets. I was wearing pants that are a size too small (given my recent weight gain), and combined with the burger, the whole thing gave me stomach pains. All I wanted to do was to go home. Hammer and I stopped at a drug store, and I picked up some hair dye. Red-headed Hyde was on her way out! (I know, I know... for all you fans of my red hair, (and that's you, GoldenFinch!) you know that I always go back to it. It's my staple!)
Anyway, after coming home and dying my hair, NextDoorNeighbor and I decided to go for a quick drink at Cheers. He took his knitting along (yes, he's a bit of an odd fellow!). He stationed himself at a table in the back of the bar, and I waited on BarMan to get me a glass of wine. While I was waiting, I noticed a familiar face.
"Hey, Hyde? What's going on?"
It was FourteenthFloorBoy! I don't know if I've ever told the story of FourteenthFloorBoy here on this blog, so before continuing my weekend-narrative, I'll recount a brief version of it now.
The Story of FourteenthFloorBoy:
In late August, Narc and I were going pretty strong. In fact, things got a little intense after we spent pretty much an entire week together. Then, in typical Narc fashion, he disappeared. I had a big exam that I had been studying for all summer, and I when I passed, I texted him and told him about it, even though I hadn't heard from him for a week or so. He replied that he was taking off for the Dominican Republic for a "surprise" vacation. (I later learned that he met some girl online and asked her to the Dominican Republic without ever having met her face to face. They didn't hit it off.) After that, I didn't hear from him for about two weeks.
One September night at Cheers, I met a really cute boy. It turned out that he had just moved into my building into an apartment on the Fourteenth Floor. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up going back to his place with him and some of his friends. They're a crowd of stoners, and we all ended up smoking up together. Slowly the rest of the crew headed home. One thing led to another, and I ended up screwing my new neighbor. I thought he was pretty cool.
About two weeks later, I was out on the West Side with a bunch of people I had just met. I was getting pretty wasted. I got home at around 3:30 am. As I was heading for the elevator, I received a message from FourteenthFloorBoy. He wanted to know if I was awake and if I wanted to come "burn one down." I called him back and said "sure." Now, last summer and into the fall, I was much heavier into my coke-phase, so I stopped at my apartment first and loaded up a bit. Then I brought some downstairs with me, complete with a mirrored tray and fresh razor blades.
That night, I hung out with FourteenthFloorBoy and his roommate for a while, but I was crazy-wired and pretty fucked up from all the alcohol too. Remember, at this point, I hadn't heard from Narc in weeks. At about 5:30 in the morning, I got a call. Yup... it was Narc. I grabbed the phone and we had one of our typical "come fuck me" conversations. I agreed to go down to see him. I think that FourteenthFloorBoy overheard the conversation and found the whole thing rather off-putting. He said that he was "heading to bed," and I didn't really hear from him after that. I think he just wrote me off as some wild coked-up girl.
After that, I bumped into him around the building a few times (notably, the day that B and I went to the Cabaret in February) and he was always super polite and friendly and gracious which makes me think he's an all-around good guy. I did try to pursue things with him for a while back in the fall. I had asked him if he wanted to hang out a few times, but it didn't really pan out.
Back to this weekend:
I've never seen him at Cheers since that initial meeting. So on Thursday when he was just sitting there at the bar, initiating a friendly conversation, I was a little weirded out. I invited him to come join me and NextDoorNeighbor and he did so. He was just drunk enough that he clearly had lost most of his inhibitions. He mentioned that we should make plans sometime. He and NextDoorNeighbor both know how to fence and they said that they were going to arrange some "duel" on the roof and that I could be the judge.
Eventually, he and NextDoorNeighbor both took off. I was left there to sit alone, drink whiskey, looking mysterious with my new raven hair. I talked to some crazy friend of FightingMensch's for a while--some guy who was telling me stories of how he and his friend used to "double team" girls in high school. At one point I was checking my text messages (I have ten trillion of them saved--mostly from Narc), and I don't know what happened, but they all magically erased! What the fuck? New Hyde with new hair and my messages disappear? BarMan said that he loved the hair. I told him it was "kick-ass hair" for a new "kick-ass Hyde" who doesn't take shit from anybody. He laughed.
As if the night could get any stranger, who should walk in at the end of the night? None other than MarriedGuy! I never see that guy at Cheers anymore, yet there he was. He was clearly drunk and came up and tried to kiss me. He invited me back to his place.
"It's not like that anymore," I said.
He left.
So that was my odd Thursday night.
Let's count up the strange events--
1.) I had black hair
2.) I bumped into FourteenthFloorBoy
3.) My texts all erased
4.) I saw MarriedGuy
On Friday I taught all day and gave some student extra help afterwards. When I got home I watched Dr. Phil and bummed around with VJ for a while. Then NextDoorNeighbor and I took off for a party thrown by a classmate of mine. I met Hammer and the Wizard at the party and they had some strange news--they had a "celebrity sighting." Who was the "celebrity?" Narc! They had seen him brooding along the waterfront in his velvet blazer. Very strange. There are a million people here in NY and they see him walking down a random street, not even really near anything!
In any case, we only stayed at the party for a little while before deciding to head to the Corner Bistro for burgers. It was the first time that NextDoorNeighbor and Hammer ever met. NextDoorNeighbor and the Wizard bonded over their shared love of mangos and NextDoorNeighbor's upcoming trip to Mexico City. Hammer and I tried to figure out the tune to her roommate's annoying cellphone ring. After eating, we headed over to Hammer's place where we listened to Jeff Buckley tunes. I was feeling pensive and moody and heartbroken. Even so, it was nice to just hang out with good friends in a relaxed way.
I got back to my neighborhood at around 12:30. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my night, so I stopped by Cheers for a drink, but I just wasn't feeling it. I sat in the back, drinking my whiskey alone and sending off negative vibes. I decided not to stay. I was tired, and mellow and my body was aching for sleep. I came home and crashed at around 3:00 am.
A run up of Friday's strange events:
1.) Hammer and the Wiz had a Narc sighting!
2.) The last time that particular classmate had a party was December 18th. That's the day Narc and I broke up and I happened to be wearing a black wig that day. So I've only been at her parties with black hair and with strange Narc-incidents in the air.
3.) Some guy I was talking to at the the party was a screenwriter just like Narc
4.) NextDoorNeighbor couldn't stop talking about his new job at a corporation that shares Narc's last name.
Yesterday I headed up to a voice lesson in the afternoon before working on a paper and getting a pedicure. (Bright red toenails--yay!) I had plans to meet my friend Jake at around dinner time, but we pushed our plans off until after 9:00. I headed over to Cheers and he met me there. I haven't seen Jake in quiet some time because he's been really busy with school, but he's graduating from law school now, and interviewing for jobs. Jake and I had a fabulous time catching up, but Cheers was virtually empty--probably because IrishBird is still out of town on vacation and she usually runs the show on Saturday nights. I introduced Jake to all of the Cheers characters and we stayed there until just before midnight. Then we decided to head to Manchester so that he could sample one of Maeve's fabulous White Russians.
After just one drink at Manchester, we went across the street to the diner for a plate of chili-cheese fries. Yum! Those totally hit the spot. Jake was getting tired though, and headed home at about 1:30.
I went back to my place to freshen up. The Stallion called me, and for a minute there, we made plans to meet up, but then he said he was tired and was going to head home instead. I wasn't quiet ready to call it a night, so I went back out to Cheers. I kept on drinking pretty hard, but since it was spread out over so many hours, I wasn't yet at blackout stage. I ended up talking to that same dorky guy that I met the night I was there with VJ, and I talked to PumpedUp and FightingMensch for a while too. Some really drunk guy came over and bought me a drink. He told me that he thought I was "beautiful" and that he had met me at Cheers a year ago and couldn't forget me. It was really flattering and put me in a rather excellent mood. He kept asking if he could kiss me, but I said "no." Then he asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. I said "okay" to that one. It was kind of cute. Later, I ended up talking to another guy who owns a company that does voice-overs for Adult Film imports, mostly from Eastern Europe. He was a little sleazy (not to bow to stereotypes, but he really was), and he also tried to kiss me. I said "no," once again and he asked "why not?"
"Well, it's just that I know everyone here," I said.
When he finished his drink, he got up to leave and asked if I wanted to go home with him.
"Um, no."
And that was the end of that.
Even later in the evening, (and by this point it was around 3:30 or 4:00), DateRapeGuy spotted me and made his way over to where I was seated. I hadn't even noticed that he was there, so I was a little startled by his sudden appearance. I tried my best to be cordial by brushing him off politely. He didn't seem to want to get the message. He followed me to my seat and tried to put an arm around me.
"It's been so long!" he said. "I really want to catch up with you!"
Okay, well here comes the new raven-haired kick-ass Hyde. I decided to just "tell it like it is."
"Excuse me?" I began. "Haven't you noticed that I'm trying to avoid conversation with you? That I don't want to talk to you?"
He looked at me confusedly.
"Why? What do you mean? Why don't you want to talk to me?"
"Does a little issue of non-consensual sex ring a bell?" I demanded.
"What are you talking about? We didn't have 'non-consensual' sex," he insisted
"So you don't remember me laying there saying 'no! no!'?" (Damn! I was being very confrontational.)
"No, really! I didn't know you felt that way."
The guy looked like he was going to throw up from anxiety. Good.
"Even if you didn't hear me protesting, which, by the way, I find hard to believe, you're still at fault," I said. "Don't you know that you shouldn't jump on top of a girl who's semi-conscious and coming down off of drugs in a really shitty way? How could I possibly have consented to that?"
He was stunned by my agressive attitude and my frank words. (yay!) But seeing his obnoxious anxious face and hit by his speechlessness, I started to feel a little bad.
"Look, I don't really know you," I said. "I don't know if you were aware of what you were doing or not. But the bottom line is that I experienced that as an attack, and it fucked me up emotionally. I just don't feel like talking to you or seeing you at all, for that matter."
At some point in all of this, DateRapeGuy got distracted by something. I think someone else came up to talk to him. I ran over to BarMan who was counting up the register.
"BarMan, can I talk to you privately for a sec?"
"You don't need to talk to me 'privately," he said. "Just say what you want to say right here. I'm doing register."
"No, really," I leaned into him. "I don't want anyone else to hear. But do you remember what I told you about DateRapeGuy?"
"Oh yeah," he looked up with concern.
"I just don't want him to try to walk out with me...to walk me home or anything. Please, can you please just watch my back and try to not let that situation happen?"
"Why don't you split when he goes to the bathroom?" he suggested.
A few minutes later when DateRapeGuy headed for the restroom, BarMan gave me a heads up. I dashed out the door and back to my place.
Once back at home, I called Narc. (Yeah, I know, new hair doesn't change everything all that fast!) It was already about 4:30 am. To my surprise, he answered!
"Where are you, Narc?" I asked.
"At the Tavern. Wanna come down?"
He gave me the address. I quickly threw my makeup, hair dryer and cell phone charger into a bag and dashed out the door. (Funny, I didn't bring a toothbrush or a change of underwear though. So much for drunk packing!)
When I got to his bar, they were closing up. They let me in and served me a drink even though it was past last call. After all, Narc's a regular there. He was drinking with CouchSleeper.
"Hey, what's up? Long time, no see," I said.
Narc and CouchSleeper both commented on my dark hair, asking why I dyed it black. Well, I was still in truth-telling mode, so I decided to be plain.
"Because I have a fucking broken heart, that's why!" I told them. "And I needed a change. And I'm not going to take anyone's shit anymore."
Narc looked a little embarassed. CouchSleeper tried to make light of it.
"No, I don't believe it!" he said. "This guy? This guy's no heartbreaker."
"He knows," I said, smiling at him. "He knows. He knows everything that's gone down--everything that's been going on here whether or not he's willing to say so."
Later on, I told Narc that Hammer and the Wizard had spotted him on the waterfront. He confirmed that he had been there. I think he felt weird that my friends knew him and recognized him. He works so hard to keep our lives separate.
We left the bar just after 5:00 am. Narc grabbed me on the street and pushed me against a wall and started kissing me. He was being pretty sexually agressive. I think that he works so hard to not want to be with me when he's not drunk that when he is drunk, he just let everything go. I liked it though. It was so much better than the last time I saw him when things were all awkward. This time, it was like everything was raw and stripped away.
I don't remember many details after that. It's like, knowing I was with Narc and that he would get me safely home and that I didn't have to fall asleep alone, my brain shut down and I just let him take the lead. When we got to his place I set my cellphone alarm for 9:00 am. I had promised B to meet him at my apartment at 10:00 the next day to go to Church with him. He was going to be doing a special reading. I plugged the phone into the outlet in Narc's bedroom, and went back into the living room to screw around with Narc.
When I opened my sticky smudged messy eyes in the morning, I was on his couch covered over by a blanket. I think I must have passed out there the night before, and unable to get me into the bedroom, Narc covered me and left me. I went to go check on him in the bedroom and realized what had woken me--the cell phone alarm going off. I layed down next to him and he pulled me close. Soon, I fell back asleep. An hour later I woke up to my phone ringing.
Shit! B!
He was at my apartment door, worried about me that I wasn't answering the bell. I explained that I wasn't home.
"You know, H, you don't have to come to church."
"No, I'll be there. I promised you I'd be there and I will."
"Okay, I'll see you at 11:00 then."
Narc was awake now with an erection, so I didn't manage to get out of the apartment just yet. We fucked for a while and then layed there and talked for a bit. Finally, I insisted that I had to get ready to go. After I was dressed, I sat down on the edge of the bed to kiss him goodbye. I wanted to say something but didn't know what to say. He sensed that the silence was pregnant.
"What? What is it?" he asked.
"Well, I just wanted to-- actually, nevermind."
"No, really! What?" he insisted.
"It's nothing. I was going to just ask when I'll see you, but I already know the answer." (More truth-telling). "I'm going to see you whenever you decide to bless me with your 'precious presence.' We both know I have no agency in this, unless it's to turn you down. So there's really no point in asking."
"C'mon, Hyde. Don't say that." He pulled me in for a kiss. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Soon?"
"Yeah, real soon."
"All, right, whatever Narc..."
I kissed him and left.
Needless to say, I didn't get to the church until 11:40. I had completely missed B's reading; I was still drunk; I looked like shit and smelled like sex. I wanted to cry because I felt like I was being an awful friend to B. It was completely a Jekyll and Hyde moment. I felt the pull.
"Don't apologize for yourself too much!" Hammer had suggested on the phone in the cab ride up.
I tried to remember that.
B was annoyed, and also upset by my bleary and disheveled appearance, but he forgave me pretty quickly. I offered to buy him lunch and after the service we headed towards Second Avenue. On one of the cross-streets, we passed a plaza with a beautiful waterfall. It was simply magical. I absolutely love it! I'm so going to go back there with my laptop and do some work this week. It was almost enough to make me forget the disgusting humidity that was causing my hair to stick to my neck, making my already dirty fingernails even more grimy.
B and I had Chinese for lunch and then I came home. I still felt like shit and before I knew it had collapsed into bed for a nap. I woke up at around 5:00 pm and got in the shower. Then I checked my cell phone. I had a voice mail from Narc.
What the hell?!?!?!
Narc had called to tell me that I had left my cell phone charger there. He said that he was going out at around 6:30 (for a Nine Inch Nails concert) but that I could come by and get it before then. I called back and said I would come by at around 6:00.
When I got to his place, Narc answered the door naked.
"Thank you so much for calling me," I said. "I would just go crazy without my cell phone!"
"No biggie," he said. "It's over there on the counter."
I went to get the charger to put it in my purse. Narc layed down on the couch, still completely naked. It was kind of uncomfortable because I got what I came for, and was standing there awkwardly, but he hadn't invited me to stay. At the same, time, we both knew that I was going to stay. I had to say something.
"Um, I guess I'll hang out here for a few minutes," I said uneasily. I went to sit down at the edge of the couch. He moved his legs a little to make room for me.
We made some small talk and watched whatever movie was on TV. I think it was the tail end of Conan the Barbarian. Before I knew it, Narc was masturbating and we ended up having sex again. At 6:20, he got up.
"I've got to get dressed to meet RockStarChick for the concert," he said. (That's his code name for a friend of his, not mine). "I don't really want to go with her though. It's kind of annoying."
We talked about that for a little while. He came back and sat on the couch and played with my hair. At the very last minute, (6:28 or so), he got up and threw some clothes on. I did the same, and we left the apartment together.
Down on the street, we were both trying to catch a cab. Narc offered me the first one that pulled over.
"No, you take it," I insisted. "You're meeting someone. I'm just headed home."
"Really? Well, okay."
I moved in to give him a kiss goodbye. Again, it was awkward. He almost pulled away from me. It's like once we were out in the daylight and he was going to meet a friend from his "real life," he had trouble being close to me.
"I'll be in touch," he said, ducking into the cab.
I thought it was a strangely formal thing to say. Whatever. Narc is who he fucking is. Nothing I can do or say is ever going to change that.
For the rest of the evening, I vegetated in front of theTV with VJ. Now I'm going to try to get to bed early so that I'm well rested for tomorrow. I'm going to have to try to get through all of the work I neglected today.
It was a strange weekend though. I feel like it was full of strange coincidences. (Or are they omens?) Whatever it is, something strange is in the air...
-superstitious hyde-
On Thursday afternoon I had lunch with Anxious. It was fairly unremarkable. Then I headed to German after which Hammer and I got some burgers at Johnny Rockets. I was wearing pants that are a size too small (given my recent weight gain), and combined with the burger, the whole thing gave me stomach pains. All I wanted to do was to go home. Hammer and I stopped at a drug store, and I picked up some hair dye. Red-headed Hyde was on her way out! (I know, I know... for all you fans of my red hair, (and that's you, GoldenFinch!) you know that I always go back to it. It's my staple!)
Anyway, after coming home and dying my hair, NextDoorNeighbor and I decided to go for a quick drink at Cheers. He took his knitting along (yes, he's a bit of an odd fellow!). He stationed himself at a table in the back of the bar, and I waited on BarMan to get me a glass of wine. While I was waiting, I noticed a familiar face.
"Hey, Hyde? What's going on?"
It was FourteenthFloorBoy! I don't know if I've ever told the story of FourteenthFloorBoy here on this blog, so before continuing my weekend-narrative, I'll recount a brief version of it now.
The Story of FourteenthFloorBoy:
In late August, Narc and I were going pretty strong. In fact, things got a little intense after we spent pretty much an entire week together. Then, in typical Narc fashion, he disappeared. I had a big exam that I had been studying for all summer, and I when I passed, I texted him and told him about it, even though I hadn't heard from him for a week or so. He replied that he was taking off for the Dominican Republic for a "surprise" vacation. (I later learned that he met some girl online and asked her to the Dominican Republic without ever having met her face to face. They didn't hit it off.) After that, I didn't hear from him for about two weeks.
One September night at Cheers, I met a really cute boy. It turned out that he had just moved into my building into an apartment on the Fourteenth Floor. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up going back to his place with him and some of his friends. They're a crowd of stoners, and we all ended up smoking up together. Slowly the rest of the crew headed home. One thing led to another, and I ended up screwing my new neighbor. I thought he was pretty cool.
About two weeks later, I was out on the West Side with a bunch of people I had just met. I was getting pretty wasted. I got home at around 3:30 am. As I was heading for the elevator, I received a message from FourteenthFloorBoy. He wanted to know if I was awake and if I wanted to come "burn one down." I called him back and said "sure." Now, last summer and into the fall, I was much heavier into my coke-phase, so I stopped at my apartment first and loaded up a bit. Then I brought some downstairs with me, complete with a mirrored tray and fresh razor blades.
That night, I hung out with FourteenthFloorBoy and his roommate for a while, but I was crazy-wired and pretty fucked up from all the alcohol too. Remember, at this point, I hadn't heard from Narc in weeks. At about 5:30 in the morning, I got a call. Yup... it was Narc. I grabbed the phone and we had one of our typical "come fuck me" conversations. I agreed to go down to see him. I think that FourteenthFloorBoy overheard the conversation and found the whole thing rather off-putting. He said that he was "heading to bed," and I didn't really hear from him after that. I think he just wrote me off as some wild coked-up girl.
After that, I bumped into him around the building a few times (notably, the day that B and I went to the Cabaret in February) and he was always super polite and friendly and gracious which makes me think he's an all-around good guy. I did try to pursue things with him for a while back in the fall. I had asked him if he wanted to hang out a few times, but it didn't really pan out.
Back to this weekend:
I've never seen him at Cheers since that initial meeting. So on Thursday when he was just sitting there at the bar, initiating a friendly conversation, I was a little weirded out. I invited him to come join me and NextDoorNeighbor and he did so. He was just drunk enough that he clearly had lost most of his inhibitions. He mentioned that we should make plans sometime. He and NextDoorNeighbor both know how to fence and they said that they were going to arrange some "duel" on the roof and that I could be the judge.
Eventually, he and NextDoorNeighbor both took off. I was left there to sit alone, drink whiskey, looking mysterious with my new raven hair. I talked to some crazy friend of FightingMensch's for a while--some guy who was telling me stories of how he and his friend used to "double team" girls in high school. At one point I was checking my text messages (I have ten trillion of them saved--mostly from Narc), and I don't know what happened, but they all magically erased! What the fuck? New Hyde with new hair and my messages disappear? BarMan said that he loved the hair. I told him it was "kick-ass hair" for a new "kick-ass Hyde" who doesn't take shit from anybody. He laughed.
As if the night could get any stranger, who should walk in at the end of the night? None other than MarriedGuy! I never see that guy at Cheers anymore, yet there he was. He was clearly drunk and came up and tried to kiss me. He invited me back to his place.
"It's not like that anymore," I said.
He left.
So that was my odd Thursday night.
Let's count up the strange events--
1.) I had black hair
2.) I bumped into FourteenthFloorBoy
3.) My texts all erased
4.) I saw MarriedGuy
On Friday I taught all day and gave some student extra help afterwards. When I got home I watched Dr. Phil and bummed around with VJ for a while. Then NextDoorNeighbor and I took off for a party thrown by a classmate of mine. I met Hammer and the Wizard at the party and they had some strange news--they had a "celebrity sighting." Who was the "celebrity?" Narc! They had seen him brooding along the waterfront in his velvet blazer. Very strange. There are a million people here in NY and they see him walking down a random street, not even really near anything!
In any case, we only stayed at the party for a little while before deciding to head to the Corner Bistro for burgers. It was the first time that NextDoorNeighbor and Hammer ever met. NextDoorNeighbor and the Wizard bonded over their shared love of mangos and NextDoorNeighbor's upcoming trip to Mexico City. Hammer and I tried to figure out the tune to her roommate's annoying cellphone ring. After eating, we headed over to Hammer's place where we listened to Jeff Buckley tunes. I was feeling pensive and moody and heartbroken. Even so, it was nice to just hang out with good friends in a relaxed way.
I got back to my neighborhood at around 12:30. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my night, so I stopped by Cheers for a drink, but I just wasn't feeling it. I sat in the back, drinking my whiskey alone and sending off negative vibes. I decided not to stay. I was tired, and mellow and my body was aching for sleep. I came home and crashed at around 3:00 am.
A run up of Friday's strange events:
1.) Hammer and the Wiz had a Narc sighting!
2.) The last time that particular classmate had a party was December 18th. That's the day Narc and I broke up and I happened to be wearing a black wig that day. So I've only been at her parties with black hair and with strange Narc-incidents in the air.
3.) Some guy I was talking to at the the party was a screenwriter just like Narc
4.) NextDoorNeighbor couldn't stop talking about his new job at a corporation that shares Narc's last name.
Yesterday I headed up to a voice lesson in the afternoon before working on a paper and getting a pedicure. (Bright red toenails--yay!) I had plans to meet my friend Jake at around dinner time, but we pushed our plans off until after 9:00. I headed over to Cheers and he met me there. I haven't seen Jake in quiet some time because he's been really busy with school, but he's graduating from law school now, and interviewing for jobs. Jake and I had a fabulous time catching up, but Cheers was virtually empty--probably because IrishBird is still out of town on vacation and she usually runs the show on Saturday nights. I introduced Jake to all of the Cheers characters and we stayed there until just before midnight. Then we decided to head to Manchester so that he could sample one of Maeve's fabulous White Russians.
After just one drink at Manchester, we went across the street to the diner for a plate of chili-cheese fries. Yum! Those totally hit the spot. Jake was getting tired though, and headed home at about 1:30.
I went back to my place to freshen up. The Stallion called me, and for a minute there, we made plans to meet up, but then he said he was tired and was going to head home instead. I wasn't quiet ready to call it a night, so I went back out to Cheers. I kept on drinking pretty hard, but since it was spread out over so many hours, I wasn't yet at blackout stage. I ended up talking to that same dorky guy that I met the night I was there with VJ, and I talked to PumpedUp and FightingMensch for a while too. Some really drunk guy came over and bought me a drink. He told me that he thought I was "beautiful" and that he had met me at Cheers a year ago and couldn't forget me. It was really flattering and put me in a rather excellent mood. He kept asking if he could kiss me, but I said "no." Then he asked if he could kiss me on the cheek. I said "okay" to that one. It was kind of cute. Later, I ended up talking to another guy who owns a company that does voice-overs for Adult Film imports, mostly from Eastern Europe. He was a little sleazy (not to bow to stereotypes, but he really was), and he also tried to kiss me. I said "no," once again and he asked "why not?"
"Well, it's just that I know everyone here," I said.
When he finished his drink, he got up to leave and asked if I wanted to go home with him.
"Um, no."
And that was the end of that.
Even later in the evening, (and by this point it was around 3:30 or 4:00), DateRapeGuy spotted me and made his way over to where I was seated. I hadn't even noticed that he was there, so I was a little startled by his sudden appearance. I tried my best to be cordial by brushing him off politely. He didn't seem to want to get the message. He followed me to my seat and tried to put an arm around me.
"It's been so long!" he said. "I really want to catch up with you!"
Okay, well here comes the new raven-haired kick-ass Hyde. I decided to just "tell it like it is."
"Excuse me?" I began. "Haven't you noticed that I'm trying to avoid conversation with you? That I don't want to talk to you?"
He looked at me confusedly.
"Why? What do you mean? Why don't you want to talk to me?"
"Does a little issue of non-consensual sex ring a bell?" I demanded.
"What are you talking about? We didn't have 'non-consensual' sex," he insisted
"So you don't remember me laying there saying 'no! no!'?" (Damn! I was being very confrontational.)
"No, really! I didn't know you felt that way."
The guy looked like he was going to throw up from anxiety. Good.
"Even if you didn't hear me protesting, which, by the way, I find hard to believe, you're still at fault," I said. "Don't you know that you shouldn't jump on top of a girl who's semi-conscious and coming down off of drugs in a really shitty way? How could I possibly have consented to that?"
He was stunned by my agressive attitude and my frank words. (yay!) But seeing his obnoxious anxious face and hit by his speechlessness, I started to feel a little bad.
"Look, I don't really know you," I said. "I don't know if you were aware of what you were doing or not. But the bottom line is that I experienced that as an attack, and it fucked me up emotionally. I just don't feel like talking to you or seeing you at all, for that matter."
At some point in all of this, DateRapeGuy got distracted by something. I think someone else came up to talk to him. I ran over to BarMan who was counting up the register.
"BarMan, can I talk to you privately for a sec?"
"You don't need to talk to me 'privately," he said. "Just say what you want to say right here. I'm doing register."
"No, really," I leaned into him. "I don't want anyone else to hear. But do you remember what I told you about DateRapeGuy?"
"Oh yeah," he looked up with concern.
"I just don't want him to try to walk out with me...to walk me home or anything. Please, can you please just watch my back and try to not let that situation happen?"
"Why don't you split when he goes to the bathroom?" he suggested.
A few minutes later when DateRapeGuy headed for the restroom, BarMan gave me a heads up. I dashed out the door and back to my place.
Once back at home, I called Narc. (Yeah, I know, new hair doesn't change everything all that fast!) It was already about 4:30 am. To my surprise, he answered!
"Where are you, Narc?" I asked.
"At the Tavern. Wanna come down?"
He gave me the address. I quickly threw my makeup, hair dryer and cell phone charger into a bag and dashed out the door. (Funny, I didn't bring a toothbrush or a change of underwear though. So much for drunk packing!)
When I got to his bar, they were closing up. They let me in and served me a drink even though it was past last call. After all, Narc's a regular there. He was drinking with CouchSleeper.
"Hey, what's up? Long time, no see," I said.
Narc and CouchSleeper both commented on my dark hair, asking why I dyed it black. Well, I was still in truth-telling mode, so I decided to be plain.
"Because I have a fucking broken heart, that's why!" I told them. "And I needed a change. And I'm not going to take anyone's shit anymore."
Narc looked a little embarassed. CouchSleeper tried to make light of it.
"No, I don't believe it!" he said. "This guy? This guy's no heartbreaker."
"He knows," I said, smiling at him. "He knows. He knows everything that's gone down--everything that's been going on here whether or not he's willing to say so."
Later on, I told Narc that Hammer and the Wizard had spotted him on the waterfront. He confirmed that he had been there. I think he felt weird that my friends knew him and recognized him. He works so hard to keep our lives separate.
We left the bar just after 5:00 am. Narc grabbed me on the street and pushed me against a wall and started kissing me. He was being pretty sexually agressive. I think that he works so hard to not want to be with me when he's not drunk that when he is drunk, he just let everything go. I liked it though. It was so much better than the last time I saw him when things were all awkward. This time, it was like everything was raw and stripped away.
I don't remember many details after that. It's like, knowing I was with Narc and that he would get me safely home and that I didn't have to fall asleep alone, my brain shut down and I just let him take the lead. When we got to his place I set my cellphone alarm for 9:00 am. I had promised B to meet him at my apartment at 10:00 the next day to go to Church with him. He was going to be doing a special reading. I plugged the phone into the outlet in Narc's bedroom, and went back into the living room to screw around with Narc.
When I opened my sticky smudged messy eyes in the morning, I was on his couch covered over by a blanket. I think I must have passed out there the night before, and unable to get me into the bedroom, Narc covered me and left me. I went to go check on him in the bedroom and realized what had woken me--the cell phone alarm going off. I layed down next to him and he pulled me close. Soon, I fell back asleep. An hour later I woke up to my phone ringing.
Shit! B!
He was at my apartment door, worried about me that I wasn't answering the bell. I explained that I wasn't home.
"You know, H, you don't have to come to church."
"No, I'll be there. I promised you I'd be there and I will."
"Okay, I'll see you at 11:00 then."
Narc was awake now with an erection, so I didn't manage to get out of the apartment just yet. We fucked for a while and then layed there and talked for a bit. Finally, I insisted that I had to get ready to go. After I was dressed, I sat down on the edge of the bed to kiss him goodbye. I wanted to say something but didn't know what to say. He sensed that the silence was pregnant.
"What? What is it?" he asked.
"Well, I just wanted to-- actually, nevermind."
"No, really! What?" he insisted.
"It's nothing. I was going to just ask when I'll see you, but I already know the answer." (More truth-telling). "I'm going to see you whenever you decide to bless me with your 'precious presence.' We both know I have no agency in this, unless it's to turn you down. So there's really no point in asking."
"C'mon, Hyde. Don't say that." He pulled me in for a kiss. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Soon?"
"Yeah, real soon."
"All, right, whatever Narc..."
I kissed him and left.
Needless to say, I didn't get to the church until 11:40. I had completely missed B's reading; I was still drunk; I looked like shit and smelled like sex. I wanted to cry because I felt like I was being an awful friend to B. It was completely a Jekyll and Hyde moment. I felt the pull.
"Don't apologize for yourself too much!" Hammer had suggested on the phone in the cab ride up.
I tried to remember that.
B was annoyed, and also upset by my bleary and disheveled appearance, but he forgave me pretty quickly. I offered to buy him lunch and after the service we headed towards Second Avenue. On one of the cross-streets, we passed a plaza with a beautiful waterfall. It was simply magical. I absolutely love it! I'm so going to go back there with my laptop and do some work this week. It was almost enough to make me forget the disgusting humidity that was causing my hair to stick to my neck, making my already dirty fingernails even more grimy.
B and I had Chinese for lunch and then I came home. I still felt like shit and before I knew it had collapsed into bed for a nap. I woke up at around 5:00 pm and got in the shower. Then I checked my cell phone. I had a voice mail from Narc.
What the hell?!?!?!
Narc had called to tell me that I had left my cell phone charger there. He said that he was going out at around 6:30 (for a Nine Inch Nails concert) but that I could come by and get it before then. I called back and said I would come by at around 6:00.
When I got to his place, Narc answered the door naked.
"Thank you so much for calling me," I said. "I would just go crazy without my cell phone!"
"No biggie," he said. "It's over there on the counter."
I went to get the charger to put it in my purse. Narc layed down on the couch, still completely naked. It was kind of uncomfortable because I got what I came for, and was standing there awkwardly, but he hadn't invited me to stay. At the same, time, we both knew that I was going to stay. I had to say something.
"Um, I guess I'll hang out here for a few minutes," I said uneasily. I went to sit down at the edge of the couch. He moved his legs a little to make room for me.
We made some small talk and watched whatever movie was on TV. I think it was the tail end of Conan the Barbarian. Before I knew it, Narc was masturbating and we ended up having sex again. At 6:20, he got up.
"I've got to get dressed to meet RockStarChick for the concert," he said. (That's his code name for a friend of his, not mine). "I don't really want to go with her though. It's kind of annoying."
We talked about that for a little while. He came back and sat on the couch and played with my hair. At the very last minute, (6:28 or so), he got up and threw some clothes on. I did the same, and we left the apartment together.
Down on the street, we were both trying to catch a cab. Narc offered me the first one that pulled over.
"No, you take it," I insisted. "You're meeting someone. I'm just headed home."
"Really? Well, okay."
I moved in to give him a kiss goodbye. Again, it was awkward. He almost pulled away from me. It's like once we were out in the daylight and he was going to meet a friend from his "real life," he had trouble being close to me.
"I'll be in touch," he said, ducking into the cab.
I thought it was a strangely formal thing to say. Whatever. Narc is who he fucking is. Nothing I can do or say is ever going to change that.
For the rest of the evening, I vegetated in front of theTV with VJ. Now I'm going to try to get to bed early so that I'm well rested for tomorrow. I'm going to have to try to get through all of the work I neglected today.
It was a strange weekend though. I feel like it was full of strange coincidences. (Or are they omens?) Whatever it is, something strange is in the air...
-superstitious hyde-
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