Saturday Afternoon Heartbreak, Part I

Warning: B--don't read this post. I know you'll want to kill me if you do. And for other readers, while I usually try not to be too explicit, I really don't feel like censoring my story so be forewarned...

Anyway, if you couldn't tell from the title of this post, things didn't go as well as expected on Saturday. But before I get there, I'll pick up where I left you on Friday night...

While my original intent was to hang out with Hammer on Friday evening, instead I came straight home from work, exhausted from teaching. I tried to relax and make it a cozy evening at home. I updated my blog, chatted with my mom on the phone and tried on a million outfits looking for the perfect ensemble for my upcoming date with Narc. After a little while, though, the "Hyde-itch" began. My impulsiveness and my cravings for night-life overwhelmed me. At around 10:30 I decided to head to Cheers. I promised myself that I'd be home by midnight because I wanted to get a good night's sleep in preparation for the opera. A girl needs her beauty rest!

Well, I suppose I should know myself better than that by now. Predictably, midnight turned into 1:00 a.m. and 1:00 a.m. turned into 2:00 a.m. The whiskeys were poured and the hours ticked by. I spent a lot of time talking to Lindsor, FightingMensch's ex-girlfriend. While I've met her before, we had never talked extensively. She said that I reminded her a lot of herself when she was my age. I had a great time because I was in a great mood. I was so excited about the next day. In fact, IrishBird noted that I was "positively glowing." When I told her why, she rolled her eyes, but said that she was "happy for me" anyway. Everything about the night seemed richer than ever. My voice was really on and karaoke was especially fun. I earned wild rounds of applause. Yay! My Friday night friend, Chris, was there making song requests, and BarMan's friend, Matt, was filling in for him as host. The Nigerians were back too, which was weird because I never see them on the weekends. At one point, when IrishBird saw me spending too much time in conversation with them, she tried to cut me off. (I guess she perceived it as a clear lack of judgement.) I insisted that I was fine and shifted to a new crowd.

Anyway, Cheers closed at around 4:30 a.m. I had texted Narc earlier in the evening that I wanted to fuck him, but would wait to see him on Saturday when we would meet at the fountain in front of Lincoln Center. Typically Narc was out partying as well, and sure enough, as the bars were closing, he called me back and invited me to his place. I was very drunk and don't remember much about our encounter--only that I was there. My primary concern was getting back to my place early enough to make myself look good for our date. Although we went to bed at 6:30 or so, I set my alarm for 8:00. When I was leaving I nudged Narc.

"Do you want me to set your alarm for you?"

"It's on the computer..." he mumbled.

"Oh. I don't know how to do it. How do I set this thing?" I walked over to his computer desk, searching the desktop.

"Don't worry about it. I'll do it. I'll set it for 12:30 or something."

"No, not 12:30! That's too late. You're supposed to meet me at 1:00. Set it for 12:00 at the latest, okay?"

"Okay. Don't worry about it."

"Right. See you in a few hours!" I said, kissing him goodbye. I dashed out the door.

Back at my place I showered as quickly as I could. I blow-dried my hair, carefully applied my makeup and put eyedrops in my reddened eyes. I painted my nails (in the "fuck-me red" color he likes) and sprayed myself with his favorite perfume. I got dressed and pulled on my highest-heeled boots, tottering out the door. I rushed across the street to the deli, picking up a cup of coffee and gateorade (for my hangover) and a chocolate croissant for each of us. Quickly hailing a cab, I was on my way.

As I like to talk to strangers, I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. I told him how excited I was, how momentous the occasion was, how I've been waiting for this for almost eight months now and how much I genuinely care for Narc. I explained how much I want Narc to be happy, and that I want to be the girl who can make him happy. I told the cab driver that things were finally good. Everything finally seemed to be moving in the right direction, and I was elated. As we pulled up to Lincoln Center, the cabbie wished me luck. I stepped out into the biting winter air.

While I had arrived 10 minutes early, I didn't mind waiting. I anxiously scanned the crowds around the plaza. I sat on the edge of the fountain, squinting in the sunshine, nervously chewing on the skin around my fingernails. I finished my cup of coffee. I waited. I finished my bottle of water. I waited. Couples and families found each other at the fountain and strolled into the opera house. The plaza was alive with life.

Fifteen minutes passed. It was 1:05.

The crowd began to thin out as people made their way into the theater.

Twenty five minutes passed. It was 1:15.

I started to get nervous. The opera was scheduled to begin at 1:30 and they don't allow latecomers to be seated. I tried calling his cell phone. It was off. I figured he was in the subway.

Thirty five minutes passed. It was 1:25.

I called his cell phone again.

"It's okay," I assured his voice mail. "We'll miss the first act, but we can watch it on the screens until they seat us."

I called his home phone.

"Narc, it's me. I hope you're on your way. I don't know where you are, but I hope you get here fast."

Could he still be asleep? My stomach started to turn. Was I being stood up?

An hour had passed. It was 1:50. I imagined Mimi and Rodolfo heading to the Cafe Momus, the orchestra soaring. I called his home phone three more times.

"Narc, where are you?"

"Narc, I don't understand why you're doing this..."

I was desperately sad. I called IrishBird. I told her that I was being stood up.

"He's garbage, Hyde!" she told me. "Don't let him ruin your weekend. Go into the opera by yourself. Hold your head up and enjoy that opera. You're better than this. That man doesn't deserve you."

"Okay," I told her. "I'll go in."

But I didn't. I couldn't leave the fountain. I felt paralyzed and glued to the spot. My heart was pounding. What if I went inside and then he showed up? My fingers and legs were numb from cold. My cheeks were burning. My toes were pinched inside my shoes and the balls of my feet hurt. Still, I didn't want to leave my station. I called B and started to cry. He got angry.

"I can't believe this asshole!" He was really frustrated.

"GO INSIDE, Hyde!" He was so mad at me.

"If you get sick from standing in the cold like this, I'll fucking kill him. I'LL KILL HIM!"

"Don't yell at me. I can't take it right now if you yell at me," I said. "Let's just hang up."

I didn't want to go inside. We hung up the phone and I started to cry. It was so cold that my tears seemed to freeze on my cheeks as they fell. The bitter wind cut through to my bones. I felt my heart breaking. It was a soft but wretched pain. My brain, my heart and my eyes felt frozen. Finally I entered the lobby of the opera house, angling myself so that I could still see the fountain through the large windows. It was 2:30. My cell phone rang. Was it Narc? No... it was Liu.

Liu told me that she was on the phone with Anxious' ex-boyfriend (another college friend of mine). She said that he was upset with me because he feels like I hadn't been returning his calls with enough enthusiasm in December and January. Fuck. I was in no place to deal with that. I had no mental space and my head started to feel so full that I feared I would burst. That my whole being would just explode and I would melt into a puddle on the floor. I couldn't breathe and started to cry even harder.

"Fuck him!" I told her.

Everything spilled out in a flood of words and emotion. She listened patiently.

I continuted to wait. I sent Narc a text.

Why?

I called Narc at home yet again. Yet again, I got the machine.

I cried quietly--a defeated whimper. My head hurt and my eyes were stinging. I felt so fucking defeated and I just wanted to sleep.

"I don't know what to think right now, Narc. I don't know what to feel. I don't know why you would do this to me... I don't know. I just don't know. I can't even... This is just not okay. I mean, I don't know what this is, but... this is really not okay. I don't know where to go from here. I'm just so fucking cold. So fucking cold and I don't know... Well, fuck it. I can't think straight... I'm fucking losing my mind here on your machine. I have to go. But this is not okay and there's nothing else really to say... Um....bye."

Finally, five minutes later my phone rang.

"What happened?" I asked him.

"Um, I don't know... I just woke up. Weren't you supposed to set the alarm for me?" (Thanks Narc, blame it on me.)

"No, you said you would set the alarm because I said I didn't know how to do it."

"Oh, well, I must have been asleep, you know? I don't even remember having that conversation. I must have been sleeping. But um, why did you wait for me for so long? Why didn't you go into the opera?"

"Why? Because I thought you were on your way here and I have your ticket. And I didn't want to go in without you! And now I've been standing here and it's so fucking cold..."

"You should have just gone in. Why would you wait outside for so long? You shouldn't have missed the opera."

"What? I don't give a shit about the opera! I don't give a shit about the cold! Narc, I told you--I care about you and you know that... You know that's what this was about for me."

"Well...."

"Besides, why didn't you pick up the phone when I called?" I asked.

"I guess the ringer was off..."

(Liar! I know the ringer was on because it rang earlier that morning when we were laying in bed. He knew that I knew he was lying. Neither of us pointed that out.)

"Well? What are you going to do today?" I asked. I waited for an offer. Would he come up and meet me? Would he take me to lunch? Offer an alternate plan?

"I don't know. I think I'm just going to get some food delivered and hang out here for a while. But you're welcome to come down if you want."

"You want me to come back down there now? God, Narc.... Why don't I just fucking kill myself?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "What's the fucking drama now?"

I started crying again, but softly. My heart was sinking and I felt desperate.

"Can you think of anything more self-destructive?" I asked him. God, I've never felt more defeated.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, "but I'm going to be here hanging out. So if you want to hang out, come down here, otherwise, whatever..."

"Do you want me to?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure..."

I'm such a stupid fuck, you guys. I mean, really. What happens next has me convinced that none of this is Narc's fault. He is who he is and he's not going to change. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. There's something so incredibly masochistic about me and there's something so incredibly sadistic about him. He left me standing in the cold for over an hour. He didn't pick up the phone because he didn't feel like rolling over and getting his ass out of bed for me. I think he wanted to see what I would do. How long would I wait for him? Would I get angry? No. I wasn't angry. I was just hurt and confused and I hailed a cab to Tribeca.

When I got there, he answered the door naked, scruffy and hungover. I sat on the couch. He went back into his bedroom. He didn't reemerge. What the fuck? I followed into the bedroom. He appeared to be sound asleep in bed. I couldn't believe it.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shook him. "Are you going back to sleep? Why did I come here?" I demanded.

He opened his eyes.

"Look, just get in the bed," he said.

"What?"

"You heard me. Do it. Take off your clothes and get in the bed."

I stared at him incredulously, but did what he said. I stripped off everything. my thighs were still ice cold. I lay down next to him, but my body felt stiff. I started to cry a little again. I thought I would burst from pain and frustration. He pulled me close, burying his face in my hair.

"You smell so good," he said.

I remembered how happy I had been when I applied my perfume that morning.

"But your body is so cold."

"I know... it's because I was standing in the cold for all that time."

"I'll warm you up. Come here."

He started to fuck me. I felt my heart flip over. I was so confused. Maybe I shouldn't be here...maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

"No, I don't know..." I whispered.

I felt weak and my crying became a whimper.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore...I can't..."

I tried to push him off a little, but it only excited him more.

"No, really, I don't know..." I said. "C'mon... stop."

"Shhh...." he pinned my arms down. I tried to squirm out from under him.

"Fuck you! Stop...I fucking hate you! I hate you!"

The more I struggled, the more he liked it, and I hate to say it, but I did too. I managed to free one arm and hit him. I pulled his hair when I could and cursed him. He pushed me back down, suffocating me with his body until I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move.

"I fucking hate you!" I was really crying now.

When he was finished with me, he pulled me in to cuddle. "Shhh... It's okay."

"Oh honey," he sighed, "I'm so sorry I didn't make it today. I know how much you wanted to go. I really wanted to see the opera."

I didn't know what to say. I just felt numb from the over-emotion. I clung to him, still so confused. After twenty minutes or so, he wanted to go again. I was still spinning in my head. He flipped me over, and again I struggled. He fucked me so hard and I couldn't think straight. It was all so surreal...like a distant dream. He grabbed my arms so hard. It was too intense for me to describe. I mean, I'm not a good enough writer to express it here. But in a way, it's it was the most "true" sex we've ever had. It was good and felt more "right" to me in a lot of ways. I mean, in the past, our passion has been all fun and games or faux romance. But this tapped into something deeper for both of us. Does that make me crazy?

After another hour or so of fucking, he got up out of the bed. He was done and ready for the next part of his day.

"Time for food. What do you want?"

He went into the kitchen to get his delivery menus. I couldn't move and just stayed collapsed in the bed.

"I don't care. Whatever you want is good..."

I was numbed and my brain felt thick with fog from all of the crying. Who could think of eating? He ordered us sandwiches and settled in the living room while he channel-cruised on the TV. More fucking. Then the phone rang.

It was his friend CouchSleeper. CouchSleeper is one of his closest friends and lives out in Jersey. Whenever he parties with Narc, he crashes on the couch, so for a while this past fall, he was always there when I would arrive. I never saw him awake except for once though. Usually I would come and go and he'd stay passed out. A few times Narc and I even fucked with him right there in the room, but he never stirred. Anyway, what did CouchSleeper want? He wanted to come over and watch a DVD that he had to see for a screenwriting class. I guess he doesn't have his own DVD player.

"Oh, I forgot I told CouchSleeper he could come over today." he said, picking up the phone.

They spoke for a few minutes. It turns out that CouchSleeper was just around the corner. I got up to put my clothes on. The doorbell rang.

"How was the opera?" CouchSleeper asked.

Narc looked at me embarassedly. "Well, we kind of missed it."

The look on his face implied that we had both overslept or that we had opted to spend the morning fucking instead of going to the opera.

"No," I pointed out. "You missed it."

I told CouchSleeper how Narc had stood me up. Narc laughed, desperately trying to make light of it. I really do think he felt bad when he saw how much it had hurt me, but in order to cope with his own feelings of guilt, he had to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal.

Ughhh... Well, the saga continues (I stayed with Narc until Sunday night), but I'm running a little late this morning and have to get going to my voice lesson. I don't have time to continue with this post right now, so I'll try to finish the story later tonight...

-Hyde