A Quiet Day (for once)

I have an hour or so before my Research Seminar starts, so I figured I'd kill some time by updating my blog!

Last night I was a little worried about the long stretch ahead. It was my first night of real down time. I'm not used to being home and by myself, especially if determined to avoid drinking. I got back from class around 5:00 pm and plopped onto the couch a bit depressedly eating an apple and watching Dr. Phil. The topic: "bad parenting," a subject that has touched the lives of almost all neurotic New Yorkers. The sinking sun cast strange shadows on the walls. Skyscraper windows popped open with light like tiny kernels of popcorn strung across the city. Suspended twenty floors above the world, my living room grew darker and darker. I was too lazy to get up and turn on the lamp. Brooding and self-indulgent, I rather enjoyed feeling sorry for myself. I wallowed in the whole Narc mess, tracing over and over in my head everything we've been through the past seven months. At some point I could stand it no more and called B for some "daily affirmation" (a little ironic that he's my source of "confidence," but that's a whole other story). Eventually, I dragged myself into the shower and pulled together my resources to do some reading.

Try as I might, I couldn't quite make it through the evening locked up at home. I decided to head to Cheers, reading in tow. I brought two general overviews of 19th Century Aesthetics. I'm still trying to ground myself in a paper topic for my big research project this spring. The place was pretty quiet. I drank a million rounds of diet coke (which they serve me for free) and had some bar snacks for dinner. There, I sat and I read and I drank (soda) for two hours or so. The Nigerian crew arrived, but I hardly know them and wasn't in the mood to chat. One of them asked me if I was working on a lesson plan, remembering that last fall I had gone home early to work on one. Now that he mentioned it, I remembered the incident. I had been drinking at Cheers, but was getting a little too drunk to be able to do my planning for the next day. I left the bar, went home to write my lesson, and returned to the bar later in the evening to cap off the night. I thought it was strange that he remembered that random night. I mean, I generally think of myself as an observant person, but absolute strangers always seem to remember odd details about me when I hardly remember even meeting them!

Anyway, B had given me the idea to keep a list in my wallet of all the asshole things Narc has ever done to me, so when my mind starts playing tricks on me and I start to think that I love him, I can look at my list.

Some of the more pertinant points:
1. wakes me in the middle of the night regardless of when I have to teach
2. has called me a "bitch," a "drunk," an "unfit teacher," a "histrionic" and told me that my "life is shit."
3. disappears for long periods, refusing to return my calls, only to call me at his convenience, usually drunk, and usually for sex.
4. refuses to do anything in the daylight.
5. shows no interest in my life and has only been to my place once (last July).
6. says (and acts like) he loves me intensly and "adores" me and then disappears only to tell me casually the next time we speak that there's "nothing" between us.
7. makes me feel like I'm irrational and crazy, when I'M NOT!!!

Anyway, how much can you fit on an index card??? I showed it to IrishBird and she was glad to see that I'm trying to turn around my thinking on this one. She's getting over a five year relationship and said that she's never been happier because she's taking control. She assured me that we're both strong girls and that we'll both find the right people to make us happy. I had a good time talking to her, but since I've been so run down, I didn't stay much later than 10:30. (A shockingly early night!)

This morning I woke up pretty well rested...I actually got 8 hours of sleep! Teaching was great since it's the third time in the past week I've given the same lecture. I hardly had to rely on my notes, so I was able to be a lot more energetic and spontaneous about it. I definitely got a good response from the class with a lot of questions and participation. My voice lesson today wasn't as good, mostly due to my cold, but still--the top part of my register is totally recovering and it wasn't so bad either. It felt nice to be singing on a good night's sleep for once!

After my lesson I headed to school where I ate lunch alone and again began to feel pangs of heartbreak. I have such an obsessive heart. It's also way too sensitive--such a fucking burden sometimes! I texted B just to get a shout-out of love or something, and as luck would have it, he was also at school! He came up and joined me and now we're in the History department together, doing work. (Well, he's doing work, I'm obviously just blogging.) In the stairwell we sang Josquin's Ave Maria, which echoed and bounced off the walls as if we were in the grandest Cathedral in the world. Even though we were just two of four parts, the sounds were beautiful and I couldn't think of anything more spectacular!

That's it for now. Like I said--I've got that Research Seminar tonight and then the endless stretch of another night without whisky or Narc. I'm totally going to get through the week though. I know I can do it because I just have to. Yay! It's not so bad right now. Right?