How to be a Good Friend?

Okay, readers--I need some help today with a friendship dilemma. The basic problem: I'm torn between wanting to be a good friend and not wanting to be stuck hanging out with someone I'd really rather avoid right now. Let me explain.

A long-time friend of mine, (let's just call her "Anxious"), has been majorly on my nerves. While she's always been a bit abrasive, things got much worse starting in the summer. This summer she ended an eight year relationship and quit her job, flying to Europe for a few months. Before she broke up with her boyfriend she found a new guy because she is one of those women who can't be alone for two seconds. (One of the reasons it really bothers me when she tries to offer me advice about my love life...I mean, she doesn't even have the guts to be single!) Anway, while she appears to be an extrovert (and talks a mile a minute), in reality, she's a very private person who always wears a social mask and insists on keeping a "cheerful" disposition. The problem is that her cheer is often forced and instead of cheer, she exudes a manic anxiety, becoming very stressful to be around. She is obsessed with appearing as if she has her life completely "together" and will never express anxiety, fear or self-doubt to her friends except for the extreme situation. She is often secretive. For example, although we've been friends for almost ten years, I didn't know anything about her plans to drastically uproot her life this summer until they were already in motion.

The other thing you should know about her personality is that she is extremely opinionated and has no qualms about putting in her two-cents on anything and everything (whether or not its welcome). Usually, she has something negative to say. For example, when I was thinking about getting a cat a few years ago, she went on for hours (in her manic speed-talk) telling me about how none of my friends would ever want to come to my apartment again because of cat hair and allergies. Meanwhile, it was only her boyfriend that was allergic and she didn't want to have to deal with his allergies at my parties. (She also overwhelmed me with hours of speeches and emails about how I would eternally regret getting a tattoo, which I don't think I ever will). She loves to dish out advice, especially when it concerns my love life, emotional problems or "risky-behavior." That gets kind of old from someone who never opens up about their own problems, but has no trouble telling you what you should do and where you went wrong. I mean, I fully acknowledge that I engage in behavior that's not always in my best interest, but who wants a know-it-all (who hasn't lived in my shoes) to tell where, when and why I've fucked things up. Whether she's right or wrong, she's not my therapist, it's not her business, and it just doesn't feel very good.

We first became friends when I was just 17 and she was 20. At the time, she seemed worldly-wise and I was an innocent. (Can you all remember that far back?) I didn't mind her advice then because she seemed to know so much more about people and because it was "big sisterly" in nature. Now that I'm a grown woman, I've been around the block a few times, have lived in worlds and met people that she doesn't understand and can't really imagine and I'm tired of her opinions; I've outgrown her advice. Does this make any sense?

Anyway, all of this is background to the current dilemma. She and I both had an unusal summer. While Anxious was more anxious than ever about her drastic life-changes, I started to party a lot more than I had been for the previous few years. Hyde really came out of the box. Before that, from the summer of 2000 until B and I broke up for good in 2002, I had been pretty stable and pretty "safe." From 2002-2004 I was still tied up with the B thing, and depressed and not in the mood to party or put myself out there much. There's a lot of reasons that changed and that I started acting out, a lot of it to do with emotional stuff between me and B, and I really don't want to go into all that right now. But the point is, that my interactions with Anxious became characterized more and more by her preaching to me about what I was doing wrong, and "competing" with me in a passive agressive way. I started to get annoyed.

When she got back from Europe, it got even worse. I'm not the only one who's found her manic anxiety and uncontrolled criticism to be insufferable. Other friends have commented as well. For the past six years or so, I have felt like she "competes" with me in her own mind. This has also gotten a lot worse the past few months. I don't know why she's jealous of me, but in the past most of her "competition" has focused around her trying to make it seem like she has a crazy sex-life. (I couldn't care less what my friend's sex lives are like, you know?) Whatever it is, it obviously stems from insecurity and jealousy, but it's very annoying. The past few months it's taken the more particular form of focusing on her recent weight loss. She's obsessed with talking about her body and it gets rather dull. When she makes passive-agressive (or just plain agressive!) jabs at me, I have difficulty defending myself. I usually just ignore them because I'm not the type to pick a fight or stand up for myself. Usually I just get upset and internalize it and try to avoid her. Her reasons for these attacks often have me completely bewildered. I'm far from perfect and have my own set of insecurities, and it's difficult to be criticized by a "competitive" friend so frequently.

Not one for confrontation I really have started dodging her calls and emails. If she calls me, I wait a few days and then call her back, telling her that I've been busy. If she tries to make plans, I tell her that I'm too busy with school and teaching. This has been going on for a few months. Most recently, she sent me some pictures of herself in a new bikini and of her the guy she's been seeing. I didn't respond.

It's hard to tell her what she's doing wrong because often times, these things are hard to explain and don't seem clear cut. For example, one weekend in October, she stayed at my apartment, insisting on walking around unclothed all the time. She is obsessed with her large-breast size and at one point picked up one of my bras that was laying around and looked at the tag to check out the size. I asked her what she was doing and she pretended to be looking at the brand, commenting that it was a pretty bra. (Please, it was a plain cotton bra...) Later in the same weekend, she came rushing into my house after a shopping trip, stripping off her shirt and her bra because she was "hot." (Ladies, have you ever had to go bare-breasted in October because it's too "hot" out?) I asked her if she wanted me to turn on the airconditioner to help her with her sudden "hot-flash" and she went over to lean on the radiator, thrusting her breasts forward. I had to pretend to ignore the whole thing, and quietly resumed grading papers. I mean, can you think of a more childish level on which to compete with a friend? She's also obessed with talking about my dietary restrictions (for an insulin problem). She has repeatedly claimed that she would "die" if she had to follow the same restrictions, and frequently tries to start conversations on the subject. I can't imagine what her aim is, except to make me feel bad and find a basis for her own "superiority." But it's hard to point these things out when they happen, and like I said--I'm always looking to avoid confrontation.

Another thing that's really turned me off to her is an incident that took place shortly after she returned from her summer travels. She and two other college friends stayed over my place one weekend. They all came home early, but I stayed out drinking pretty late. When I did return, I was walked home by a guy from the bar. We made out on the roof of my building for a little bit and then he walked me back to my apartment. Maybe this was "shocking" to my square friends, but their stick-up-the-ass response was to tell me that I was a bad friend because "not only was I risking myself, but I put their lives at risk as well." (A little dramatic, n'est pas?) If they really did find my behavior to be life-threatning, instead of showing concern and support for me, they were critical and judgemental, got up on a moral high-horse and made it all about them. They put me down for being a "bad friend" to them. I mean, what the fuck did it have to do with them anyway? Whatever, before I get mad about this whole thing all over again, I should continue with the dilemma at hand.

Sunday morning (at Narc's place) I checked my email and found the following message from Anxious. (The subject heading was "Mad").

Hyde,

I'm a little bit mad at you. As you know, I've always counted you among my very best friends. We've been very close for years and had a lot of fun together. But lately, I feel like I don't hear from you, don't see you, and don't get much of a sense that you particularly care what's going on with me. That's a really lousy feeling. Close friends make time for each other and make an effort to keep up with what's happening in each other's lives. We live close enough that we could see each other all the time if we made any kind of effort. I've been in the city every weekend since August, but we haven't spent any time one-on-one since September. You texted me a couple of times in October to say we should make a plan to get together, but you never offered any concrete dates or times or ideas. And every time I've suggested a particular time, not only does it not work for you, but you never counter-propose a date -- if you respond at all. I feel like I've called and called and tell you I miss you and propose plans and get a brusque, belated response. I also don't hear from you much generally. I know we're all busy. But I used to get long, chatty e-mails from you -- not every day like when we had more time years ago, but somewhat frequently. Now I get the odd text, which is not all that satisfying. I don't think I've ever picked up the phone here and heard your voice. So I feel really out of touch, like I don't know what's going on with you, and I miss the casual closeness of regular e-mails.

I sent you an invite to join MSN messenger so we could IM now and then; I know you do messenger because you discovered my silly screen name. But you never responded to my invite.

And I've sent a bunch of e-mails lately with photos and a suggestion for a girls' night and haven't heard a word in response. I don't mean to sound like a jealous lover, but I feel like lately you've given total priority to the people who are closest and most convenient. You see VJ all the time, even though she's not half the friend I've been to you, just because she's right in the city. I know you have a new best friend -- don't remember her name, but I met her at your birthday party -- whom you see a lot at school. I know you've said over the years that you really like having friends who are right in the city whom you can just get together with at the drop of a hat, and I agree that's nice. But you've always made an effort in the past to get together with me, even though I haven't been fortunate enough to be able to live in Manhattan. I'm not asking you to schlep to wherever I live. I'm in the city all the time and it shouldn't take 6 months to find time for a drink or an afternoon of shopping. I don't know what's going on with you.

You might be having some kind of turbulent, crazy time that explains all this. I wish I knew. All I do know is I feel really blown off during a period in my life when I need my friend Hyde most.

Love,
Anxious

Let the guilt trip begin!
Have I been a been a very bad friend to her? Has she been needing me and I've been ignoring her? Am I a hypocrite for every time I've been annoyed at a friend who hasn't been there for me? Am I a shitty person? I didn't know how to respond or explain. I mean, how do you tell someone that you've been avoiding them because you find them judgemental, stressful, hostile, competitive, passive agressive, generally unenjoyable and certainly unbearable without hurting their feelings?

I composed a really long email trying to explain some of it, but held off on sending it. I didn't want to start a war. I'm glad I waited though, because despite my silence, this morning I received a second message:

Hyde,

I've been thinking and I didn't mean to be so harsh. It's just that I miss you and need your friendship and feel hurt that you haven't made time for me. But I know you've got a busy life. Listen, I'm having a really hard week. XXXXX broke up with me.

Please write back. I love you.
Anxious

Now I was really feeling guilty. I wrote back immediately, telling her I'm so sorry that I hurt her feelings and that if she needs me, I'm here for her. I told her that we should make plans right away for this weekend and that I'm very sorry about her breakup. In a few following emails, she thanked me for responding and told me that she does "kind of need to talk," but that I "know that's difficult" for her. She asked if she could stay over my house for the whole weekend, as she has two classes in the city (one on Thursday and one on Monday) and wants to combine plans to avoid the additional commute if possible.

While I want to be a good friend, there is no fucking way I can manage a whole weekend with her! I told her that I teach on Friday and have a party on Saturday night, but if she wants, we can hang out on Sunday afternoon and she can stay over until Monday. I mean, with the way I've been feeling, even that's a lot. Her response--to ask if she can "tag along" to the party on Saturday. That would mean that I would have to host her for Saturday and Sunday night. I really don't want to do that. I just can't handle her constant jabs, her preaching and moralizing, her insane anxiety and her body-image obsessions. On the other hand, all of those things have become much worse because she has been going through rough times, so as a good friend, I should try to ride it out with her, right? I don't know.

Where should the line be drawn between my own happiness and my obligations as a friend? What should I do about this one?

Any suggestions?